Someone Shut That 'Coon Up!

(The title of this blog refers to an animal and is in no way a racial slur.)

She begins her day hiking down to the stream 2 miles away for some fresh water. Lugging giant buckets on her shoulders, Kathy Faye eagerly anticipates her morning cup of Sanka and the long tasty Marlboro 100 she hides in the floorboards for maximum freshness. It's not easy living on the side of a mountain, but she makes it work. "The cancer" may have taken all her cash and healthy vibrant cells, but it will not take away her determination. That squirrel and tree bark she had last night for supper suited her just fine. It keeps her regular and reminds her how warrior women must have lived way back when - roasting meals over an open flame, nothing but the hum of the insects to keep 'em company. Those gals didn't have "the cancer" to contend with. They were healthy husky ladies who didn't need the ease and comfort of a Tudor mansion with central A/C on a hot summer day. If they could it, so could she. She would do it, dammit. Life has thrown her curve ball after curve ball yet she just keeps hitting back harder than the time before. When the letter came telling her she was gonna be on Big Brother 12, she made herself fight back the tears of relief. That $750 a week sure would come in handy. The screen door on the trailer barely survived that bear attack last Fall and the mosquitoes are eatin' her up something awful. She looked up to the heavens and asked Jesus what to do. He speaks to her sometimes you know.... but not this time. The sky answered back with silence and Kathy Faye knew this was one decision she'd have to make on her own. When "the cancer" came a'calling, her buddy Jesus helped her out of a jam on plenty of occasions. His silence now can only mean one thing. He's not thrilled with the prospect of one of his children going on the Big Brother show. That Jameka made him look like an asshole and he's not about to go through that again. Kathy Faye was desperate though. She's got a hard Winter to prepare for and her clothes at this point are nothing but rags. She promised Jesus then and there that she'll do the show, but she won't do bad things to get the prize. If she can make it to the jury, she can buy herself a blanket and a case of Marlboros and that'll be the end of it. She'll make it to Spring with no worries and after that... well, she'll cross those hurdles when they get here. Let's recap, shall we?

The day began with a hacking cough and a new outlook. Jesus finally answered Kathy Faye's prayers and his answer came in the form of a plan. While Kathy slept and tossed fitfully in her sleep, Jesus whispered that she should expose the red-headed harlot for the two-faced ho bag she is. Now, I'm not exactly sure if Jesus really used the phrase "ho bag", but just go with it. You have to suspend disbelief sometimes in order for my blogs to make any sense at all. Kathy Faye awoke with a renewed feeling of freshness and vibrancy. She took a deep breath (well, as deep as her weathered lungs would allow), threw back her covers, and said to herself, "I can do this. I will do this." With no time to waste, Kathy Faye marched right up to Kristen. Luckily, Kristen was in her human form today. The night before is another story altogether. She got caught in between her frog and human form and all hell almost broke loose. She looked human on the outside, but inside she was all amphibian. She was eating insects and hopping up on the kitchen counter. It was a close call where she narrowly escaped detection.

Kathy approaches Kristen under the guise of being sad and beaten down. They talk about how unfair it is for Kathy to go home when she really hasn't done anything at all to warrant such a drastic step. Kristen nods and sighs offering Kathy a friendly smile. Kathy saw that as her opening so she took it, "You know that Rachel is telling everyone you and Hayden are a showmance and she wants to break you guys up, right?" There. She did it. Whew! Kristen's normally chipper and upbeat face fell into a crestfallen misshapen mass of confusion. Rachel was supposed to be her friend. She defended Rachel. Hayden and Kristen aren't a showmance. Sure, they steal kisses in the night sometimes, but they're not grabbing ass and sticking appendages in various holes under the blankets or anything. Where the hell does that Rachel get off?!

Meantime outside, Bitch Boy is having a raucous session with his abs when he comes to the conclusion that he's just gonna go right up to Kathy and tell her he's voting her out. He doesn't like having the stress of making game decisions looming in the corners of his mind when he's trying to get ripped. He'll just break Kathy's heart and then work on his glutes. That's his plan for the day. Rachel approves of Bitch Boy's plan and decides out loud that next week she needs to get rid of Kristen. Kristen's super cute in a bikini and the fact that she's tight with Hayden means that Brenchel could be losing valuable air time. Best to split them up now and worry about the consequences later. Rachel spent minutes planning her BB12 debut and she's not about to let another pretty girl fuck it all up for her. You see, every night when the clock strikes 9 (BB time), Rachel and Bitch Boy very strategically begin their canoodling sessions. To filmmakers about 5 pm is known as the "magic hour", but to Brenchel it's 9 pm... the time Showtime starts sending their images out to their millions of subscribers. Jeff and Jordan monopolized about 80% of BBAD last year and Rachel's made her mission to get Brenchel up to the 90% mark. She's doing a hell of a job, let me tell ya - which might explain my new "early to bed, early to rise" schedule.

Back inside, Kathy and Kristen are getting ready for the day and Kathy is reminding her that Rachel basically hates her and wants her dead. Kristen doesn't understand where the hate could be coming from. She and Hayden decided early on they'd never be a showmance. They thought it would be bad for game play. Kathy tells Kristen that if she leaves the house, it's up to Kristen to go after Brenchel on her own. If Kathy stays, she vows to put BOTH Brenchel up on the block like that pussy Matt was supposed to do this week. Kathy doesn't mind getting blood on her hands. Shoot, she gets blood on her hands every time she covers a cough. No biggie. Kristen sighs in response and says she hates that she has to be fake now whenever she's around Rachel. Knowing that Rachel is after her makes her wants to convert into a cheetah and claw her eyes out. Staying in her human form is going to be a challenge this week.

Outside Britney is talking with Badda-bing about how strong a competitor Andrew is. So far, he's been in the top 3 in all the competitions. She asks the boys, "Who would you rather go up against in the Final HOH, Andrew or Kathy?" She smacks her head indicating it's a no brainer and that there's no way in hell Kathy's gonna win HOH anytime soon. They all comment on how Kathy just wants to get to the Jury House anyways. She doesn't even care if she wins. She just wants that stipend. Enzo says, "This guy Andrew is friends with everyone. I didn't know this stuff. I'm gonna need to think about this a little more." Enzo's main concern is that he thinks keeping Kathy is a vote for Brenchel. Little does he know, Dragon Lady is busy throwing Rachel under the bus in the other room. Kristen needs to tell Hayden what Rachel is up to and Hayden needs to tell Badda-bing and it's all gotta happen in 4 days. I'm confident Andrew could go home and that weasel Matt will get what's coming to him... disappointment.

Speaking of Mr. Hands Down His Pants... was I right or was I right about him not wanting to backdoor Brendon? I was SO fucking right! It's a gift I was born with, I swear. The world discovered last night via Matt's uber obnoxious DR's that he had NO intention of getting Brenchel out of the game. His target all along was Kathy. The idiocy of his HOH coupled with the fact that he keeps calling himself a "diabolical genius" really makes me hate this kid. He thinks he's playing a game so advanced that no one will ever catch onto him when, in actuality, it's only a matter of time before Badda-bing figures out what he's up to and sends his shrimpy ass home.

Britney, whose game I have yet to figure out, is still outside talking to Badda-bing about Kathy only now she's completely switched gears and is telling the fellas how Kathy approached her saying that since she voted to keep Monet last week, Britney now has to vote to keep her. Lane and Enzo laugh and begin to make jokes like, "Hey Kathy, if you take my whites outta the dryer, I'll vote to keep you in the game." and "Hey Kathy, if you put my dishes away I'll give you a vote." Meanwhile Matt rubs his eyes with his tiny fists (he was sleeping you see) and declares that Kathy is stupid and her logic makes no sense.

Kathy continues to work on Kristen for most of the day while Rachel and Matt come to the conclusion that this house is gonna be fucking boring this week. Tell me something I don't know assholes. Rachel jokes that they should call another house meeting to liven things up. Matt says all the boring footage must be tough to edit.

In the other room Kathy is fretting over losing Hayden as a friend. She loves him like a son and this is where she begins to cry. She wants us to think she's crying over Hayden, but I think she's crying over the prospect of going back to her sweltering tiny cabin where her pet raccoon keeps her up all night scratching on the walls. She has no running water or electricity and it's tearing her up inside knowing that all that waits for her is an ornery raccoon and a couple tins of Spam. She cries for her future. She cries for her past. This life has been hard for Kathy. Watching these young girls in the house with their whole healthy lives ahead of them depresses her. Her 20's and 30's were spent fighting off sexual advances at the police academy and then fighting off "the cancer" with her own concoction of ammonia and bleach. She thought the summer of 2010 would be a nice break from the hell that's become her life. Little did she know it's just be more bullshit to wade through.

I've hated on the Dragon Lady in the past and she's still not my favorite player, but, between her and Andrew, I say we get rid of Andrew. Andrew's annoying and boring and I miss way too many conversations in the house because of his eating habits. If ever Andrew is in a room and is eating, my ass won't be anywhere near it. It's truly disgusting and, like Rachel, makes me want to do vile things.

I think I'm gonna have to wrap this up here. I watched the Feeds ALL DAY yesterday and this blog was pretty much all that happened. One thing Rachel is right about: this week will be boring. Prepare yourselves. The only excitement I can anticipate is maybe Badda-bing officially switching their votes to Kathy. I don't foresee any fights, shouting, or arguments. Websites/blogs promising you drama in an effort to get you to buy Feeds from them are basically just lying to you. No one can predict when or if drama will happen and you're a sucker if you fall for it.

So, what did you bitches think of last night's episode? Did it change your mind about Matt? Who do you want to go home this week? Have you voted yet in my poll? Will Badda-bing figure out what Matt is up to in time to save themselves from certain disaster? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!