Monday, July 26, 2010

Someone Shut That 'Coon Up!

(The title of this blog refers to an animal and is in no way a racial slur.)

She begins her day hiking down to the stream 2 miles away for some fresh water. Lugging giant buckets on her shoulders, Kathy Faye eagerly anticipates her morning cup of Sanka and the long tasty Marlboro 100 she hides in the floorboards for maximum freshness. It's not easy living on the side of a mountain, but she makes it work. "The cancer" may have taken all her cash and healthy vibrant cells, but it will not take away her determination. That squirrel and tree bark she had last night for supper suited her just fine. It keeps her regular and reminds her how warrior women must have lived way back when - roasting meals over an open flame, nothing but the hum of the insects to keep 'em company. Those gals didn't have "the cancer" to contend with. They were healthy husky ladies who didn't need the ease and comfort of a Tudor mansion with central A/C on a hot summer day. If they could it, so could she. She would do it, dammit. Life has thrown her curve ball after curve ball yet she just keeps hitting back harder than the time before. When the letter came telling her she was gonna be on Big Brother 12, she made herself fight back the tears of relief. That $750 a week sure would come in handy. The screen door on the trailer barely survived that bear attack last Fall and the mosquitoes are eatin' her up something awful. She looked up to the heavens and asked Jesus what to do. He speaks to her sometimes you know.... but not this time. The sky answered back with silence and Kathy Faye knew this was one decision she'd have to make on her own. When "the cancer" came a'calling, her buddy Jesus helped her out of a jam on plenty of occasions. His silence now can only mean one thing. He's not thrilled with the prospect of one of his children going on the Big Brother show. That Jameka made him look like an asshole and he's not about to go through that again. Kathy Faye was desperate though. She's got a hard Winter to prepare for and her clothes at this point are nothing but rags. She promised Jesus then and there that she'll do the show, but she won't do bad things to get the prize. If she can make it to the jury, she can buy herself a blanket and a case of Marlboros and that'll be the end of it. She'll make it to Spring with no worries and after that... well, she'll cross those hurdles when they get here. Let's recap, shall we?

The day began with a hacking cough and a new outlook. Jesus finally answered Kathy Faye's prayers and his answer came in the form of a plan. While Kathy slept and tossed fitfully in her sleep, Jesus whispered that she should expose the red-headed harlot for the two-faced ho bag she is. Now, I'm not exactly sure if Jesus really used the phrase "ho bag", but just go with it. You have to suspend disbelief sometimes in order for my blogs to make any sense at all. Kathy Faye awoke with a renewed feeling of freshness and vibrancy. She took a deep breath (well, as deep as her weathered lungs would allow), threw back her covers, and said to herself, "I can do this. I will do this." With no time to waste, Kathy Faye marched right up to Kristen. Luckily, Kristen was in her human form today. The night before is another story altogether. She got caught in between her frog and human form and all hell almost broke loose. She looked human on the outside, but inside she was all amphibian. She was eating insects and hopping up on the kitchen counter. It was a close call where she narrowly escaped detection.

Kathy approaches Kristen under the guise of being sad and beaten down. They talk about how unfair it is for Kathy to go home when she really hasn't done anything at all to warrant such a drastic step. Kristen nods and sighs offering Kathy a friendly smile. Kathy saw that as her opening so she took it, "You know that Rachel is telling everyone you and Hayden are a showmance and she wants to break you guys up, right?" There. She did it. Whew! Kristen's normally chipper and upbeat face fell into a crestfallen misshapen mass of confusion. Rachel was supposed to be her friend. She defended Rachel. Hayden and Kristen aren't a showmance. Sure, they steal kisses in the night sometimes, but they're not grabbing ass and sticking appendages in various holes under the blankets or anything. Where the hell does that Rachel get off?!

Meantime outside, Bitch Boy is having a raucous session with his abs when he comes to the conclusion that he's just gonna go right up to Kathy and tell her he's voting her out. He doesn't like having the stress of making game decisions looming in the corners of his mind when he's trying to get ripped. He'll just break Kathy's heart and then work on his glutes. That's his plan for the day. Rachel approves of Bitch Boy's plan and decides out loud that next week she needs to get rid of Kristen. Kristen's super cute in a bikini and the fact that she's tight with Hayden means that Brenchel could be losing valuable air time. Best to split them up now and worry about the consequences later. Rachel spent minutes planning her BB12 debut and she's not about to let another pretty girl fuck it all up for her. You see, every night when the clock strikes 9 (BB time), Rachel and Bitch Boy very strategically begin their canoodling sessions. To filmmakers about 5 pm is known as the "magic hour", but to Brenchel it's 9 pm... the time Showtime starts sending their images out to their millions of subscribers. Jeff and Jordan monopolized about 80% of BBAD last year and Rachel's made her mission to get Brenchel up to the 90% mark. She's doing a hell of a job, let me tell ya - which might explain my new "early to bed, early to rise" schedule.

Back inside, Kathy and Kristen are getting ready for the day and Kathy is reminding her that Rachel basically hates her and wants her dead. Kristen doesn't understand where the hate could be coming from. She and Hayden decided early on they'd never be a showmance. They thought it would be bad for game play. Kathy tells Kristen that if she leaves the house, it's up to Kristen to go after Brenchel on her own. If Kathy stays, she vows to put BOTH Brenchel up on the block like that pussy Matt was supposed to do this week. Kathy doesn't mind getting blood on her hands. Shoot, she gets blood on her hands every time she covers a cough. No biggie. Kristen sighs in response and says she hates that she has to be fake now whenever she's around Rachel. Knowing that Rachel is after her makes her wants to convert into a cheetah and claw her eyes out. Staying in her human form is going to be a challenge this week.

Outside Britney is talking with Badda-bing about how strong a competitor Andrew is. So far, he's been in the top 3 in all the competitions. She asks the boys, "Who would you rather go up against in the Final HOH, Andrew or Kathy?" She smacks her head indicating it's a no brainer and that there's no way in hell Kathy's gonna win HOH anytime soon. They all comment on how Kathy just wants to get to the Jury House anyways. She doesn't even care if she wins. She just wants that stipend. Enzo says, "This guy Andrew is friends with everyone. I didn't know this stuff. I'm gonna need to think about this a little more." Enzo's main concern is that he thinks keeping Kathy is a vote for Brenchel. Little does he know, Dragon Lady is busy throwing Rachel under the bus in the other room. Kristen needs to tell Hayden what Rachel is up to and Hayden needs to tell Badda-bing and it's all gotta happen in 4 days. I'm confident Andrew could go home and that weasel Matt will get what's coming to him... disappointment.

Speaking of Mr. Hands Down His Pants... was I right or was I right about him not wanting to backdoor Brendon? I was SO fucking right! It's a gift I was born with, I swear. The world discovered last night via Matt's uber obnoxious DR's that he had NO intention of getting Brenchel out of the game. His target all along was Kathy. The idiocy of his HOH coupled with the fact that he keeps calling himself a "diabolical genius" really makes me hate this kid. He thinks he's playing a game so advanced that no one will ever catch onto him when, in actuality, it's only a matter of time before Badda-bing figures out what he's up to and sends his shrimpy ass home.

Britney, whose game I have yet to figure out, is still outside talking to Badda-bing about Kathy only now she's completely switched gears and is telling the fellas how Kathy approached her saying that since she voted to keep Monet last week, Britney now has to vote to keep her. Lane and Enzo laugh and begin to make jokes like, "Hey Kathy, if you take my whites outta the dryer, I'll vote to keep you in the game." and "Hey Kathy, if you put my dishes away I'll give you a vote." Meanwhile Matt rubs his eyes with his tiny fists (he was sleeping you see) and declares that Kathy is stupid and her logic makes no sense.

Kathy continues to work on Kristen for most of the day while Rachel and Matt come to the conclusion that this house is gonna be fucking boring this week. Tell me something I don't know assholes. Rachel jokes that they should call another house meeting to liven things up. Matt says all the boring footage must be tough to edit.

In the other room Kathy is fretting over losing Hayden as a friend. She loves him like a son and this is where she begins to cry. She wants us to think she's crying over Hayden, but I think she's crying over the prospect of going back to her sweltering tiny cabin where her pet raccoon keeps her up all night scratching on the walls. She has no running water or electricity and it's tearing her up inside knowing that all that waits for her is an ornery raccoon and a couple tins of Spam. She cries for her future. She cries for her past. This life has been hard for Kathy. Watching these young girls in the house with their whole healthy lives ahead of them depresses her. Her 20's and 30's were spent fighting off sexual advances at the police academy and then fighting off "the cancer" with her own concoction of ammonia and bleach. She thought the summer of 2010 would be a nice break from the hell that's become her life. Little did she know it's just be more bullshit to wade through.

I've hated on the Dragon Lady in the past and she's still not my favorite player, but, between her and Andrew, I say we get rid of Andrew. Andrew's annoying and boring and I miss way too many conversations in the house because of his eating habits. If ever Andrew is in a room and is eating, my ass won't be anywhere near it. It's truly disgusting and, like Rachel, makes me want to do vile things.

I think I'm gonna have to wrap this up here. I watched the Feeds ALL DAY yesterday and this blog was pretty much all that happened. One thing Rachel is right about: this week will be boring. Prepare yourselves. The only excitement I can anticipate is maybe Badda-bing officially switching their votes to Kathy. I don't foresee any fights, shouting, or arguments. Websites/blogs promising you drama in an effort to get you to buy Feeds from them are basically just lying to you. No one can predict when or if drama will happen and you're a sucker if you fall for it.

So, what did you bitches think of last night's episode? Did it change your mind about Matt? Who do you want to go home this week? Have you voted yet in my poll? Will Badda-bing figure out what Matt is up to in time to save themselves from certain disaster? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


  1. I hope the Bada Bings don't figure it out in time. The only reason this is all happening is because Meow Meow stuck Matt with a lame nickname, instead of something cool like "Metal Monster" or "Fucking Genius". If he had, Matt would have been a loyal Brigadier, instead of playing to win $500k for himself.

  2. They spent 23 minutes on that stupid surfboard competition that basically everyone who watches Big Brother already knew the outcome for anyway.

  3. I am so over Brenchel! and yes R.. his parents hate you.. I know I would kill my son if he came home with someone like her.. as for matt.. everytime he opens his mouth it's like nails on a chalk board... Kathy "obvi" owns stock in Maybelline mascarra... The shapeshifter.. well gotta admire the talent...All in all.. I really don't like anyone in the house at this time.. mostly I am waiting for Baddabing to implode..

  4. you may not totally like kathy, but your character "kathy" is intriguing, and i'm looking forward to the novel. do they have mountains in 'bama?

  5. Matt, Matt, Matt...I still don't know. I really wanted to like him. He started slow, but I really loved how he stood up to Brenchel (barf) at the house meeting, and of course I was thrilled when he won HOH, but so disappointed when he didn't put up Rachel and Brendon. I can't fault him for playing the game for himself and not for us. He has no idea how bad we want those two gone. But still. I think his reason for wanting Kathy out was dumb. So what if she voted against what if she votes against you every week. You have more votes than she does, especially if Brendon or Rachel left. I dunno. I still want to like him, especially in his onesie pajamas...I can't help but admire a man who's not afraid to rock onesie pajamas on TV...I just wish he'd made a better move this week.

    Also, thanks for this: "Kathy doesn't mind getting blood on her hands. Shoot, she gets blood on her hands every time she covers a cough." Dying laughing, again, as usual.

  6. LOL I have no idea if they have mountains in 'bama. Whenever I think of poor people my mind always goes to a VC Andrews novel or Coal Miner's Daughter... thems mountain folk - the best kind of poor people if you ask me.

  7. We do have mountains in 'bama. And sushi, and all kinds of other things Kathy acts like she's never heard of. But then, Kathy is from Arkansas. Maybe they don't have sushi there.

    And Coal Miner's Daughter is dead on. I bet if Kathy's ever been married, it was to a 30 year old man when she was only 14.

  8. First off Kathy being a cancer surviver she should really lay off the cancer sticks! Matt is sssssooooo disgusting to me!!!! With his hands always on his crotch and always talking about how awesome he is, making up fake diseases! I CAN'T Stand him! I don't care who goes home this week but I'm hoping for a double eviction soon! Hopefully one where Matt goes home, Enzo get HoH and puts up Brenchal, Rachel gets voted out immediately and has to leave so then we can see security come in and remove her from Brendon's leg.. Then Kristen gets HoH. I think Brendon 's position in the game would change dramatically if Vegas was out! Any way wishful thinking and a boring week ahead. yay exciting.

  9. I love Brenchel.. These 2 are just blinded by each other and who can balme them for wanting to keep each other in the game? seriously ppl.. if your husband was in (not saying theyre that serious but) you would sure not want him out so shut it plz.
    As for rachel getting off to being called a whore? where did that come from? she is just giggly and allowed herself to flirt with brendon! Lighten up people. you guys act like 50 yr olds who neevr had their panties touched!

    BRENCHEL i love these 2... as for kristen and Hayden... now thats hromones and lust. obviously theyre not serious and not in for the long run... its just th emoney and booty touching for these 2!
    Kathy needs to go! tired of everyone focussing on her and andrew.. I like andrew but Kathy as the main topic for the week is getting a bit bornig..
    Can someone call her out on throwing ppl under the bus already??

    PLUS offcourse i agree with MATTS decision.. BRENCHEL are so naive... Kathy voted for you PUT HER OUT! he sees brenchel buying into his lies so get rid of public enemy number 1 first!

  10. When is the America's choice vote that will ask which HG should be dropped in a vat of acid. Matt is at the top of my list. What a waste of noms. This is only my second year watching but are showmances this strong every year? Seriously, its a question.

  11. Kathy is from Texarkana AR - which is about an hour away from me. Yes we have sushi :) (Yes cry for me Argentina. I live in Louisiana.)

    I'm so bored by BB. I need them to start backstabbing and fighting with a quickness. I ordered Showtime for BBAD and frankly it's not delivering. It feels like it does when there's 4 people left in the house.

    I think the problem is they didn't cast a sassy, loudmouthed diva. Maybe they were gun shy because of the Chima situation. Whatever the reason, I'm starting to be convinced that this season blows.

  12. I'd rather see Kathy go, only so Andrew can keep cock-blocking Rachel. That girl is annoying, to say the least. Kristen & Hayden are a much cuter couple and at least they are smart enough to realize that a showmance makes them an instant target. Rachel really seems like she doesn't understand why people are after her. I mean, COME ON, YOU DITZ! Ragan is worthless and Matt is a douche. There isn't anyone in that house that I can truly say I like, except maybe Kristen - because she has a kick ass name, and I'm even starting to half-like Britney and Enzo because at least they're funny. THIS SEASON SUCKS! GRRRRRRRRR!

  13. Ha ha, Brendon's a Scientologist...that makes sense! This cult must appeal to gay guys in the closet...Tom Cruise, Will Smith, Brendon...yeah closeted gays love the scientology...go figure.

  14. So BB made the big time. Matt's big ole lie made it to The View.

    And, Milly, are you serious? Brenchel sucks ass. And here's why: they are insipid fools. They are there to play a game - I need them to focus on the game. Otherwise go home. And Rachel is the worst. I wouldn't call her a whore - she hasn't done anything whorish. But I would call her the one of the most annoying, self-righteous, idiotic HG to play the game.

    Her laugh is annoying. Her conversation juvenile. Her self absorption tiring. Her assumption that no one should ever want to break up their alliance is absurd.

    And why you think Brenchel is about love why Krisden is lust is beyond me. Who made you the love/lust police? Please. Brenchel is a showmance. And a very annoying one.

  15. Theyre playing a game... by any means if you think you love someone you would obviously want PDA all the time.. Kristen and Hayden they may like each other ... but clearly its some form of lust!
    its a game but I dont think brendon and Rachel Cares! they should but they dont give 2 hoos because theyre so engrossed in each other..

    hence my assumption... They're closer to The Love/Like than hayden and kristen will ever be...

    Hayden wants to keep kristen around for mroe late nigth sessions...

    Clearly we see 2 showmances on BB12 whether we dont want to or we do! its there... once just not highly publicized as the other...
    IM porbably immmune to being annoyed with laughs like that and people being so into themselves! i see it evryday but I am not going to hate her for it.. everyone else is beyond coniving.. I respected Kathy just a bit but she needs to chill with her bullshit! that cancer card... and always smoking.. WTF!
    its annoying and its clear she doesnt wantt o get better!

  16. Milly...I love my husband but I don't need PDA all the time - that's for lovesick teenagers and people out for attention from others, which obviously these two are ALL about attention. Unfortunately, drawing attention to yourself in this game isn't always the right way to play it. You obviously identify with Rachel and that scares me that there may be others out there just like her. Maybe you're related to her? I can't see ANYONE else defending her like you do. Everytime she laughs I want to shoot myself in the head.

  17. Glad you said husband... Its hould be noted that these people just met...
    And I do have to note most people fresh ont he scene do PDA ALOT.

    I am not defending her. I am simply not dislikng her for her personality. I dont relate to her exactly. I just see her as a girl who is really naive and sticking to that one person she apparently trsuts in the house..
    You are definitely going in smartly on this issue.
    I simply states I am immune to giggles like hers cause I hear it alot..
    sorry but People do PDA like that all the time.. and you and your husband maybe tired of it all but ALOT OF PEOPLE do PDA!!
    Rachel is probably just ignorant about playing the game. By the looks of it she doesn't even care about winning- she just wants to be in with Brendon!

    I'd stick up for her anyday before i do for someone who lacks a personality like Kathy right about now. always attempting to lie and throw everyone. Its so apparent Rachel can't fake shit to save her life!

    And please, drive 1 hour and send Kathy that message: Lay off the Cancer sticks! for a Cancer survivor she is definitely riding those sticks all day long...

    PS: there are alot of people on different blogs defending Rachel!

  18. Brendon and Rachell Make this boring season worth WATCHING!
    all the drama is surrounded around them!
    so the attention they bring is deinfiitely something good for my viewing..
    atleast I regret paying for live feed just a bit less THANKS to them!

    I Hope they Stay for the integrity of this SHOW!

  19. Matt ugg.The guys not that smart & he looks like a two year old in his stupid pajamas.

    Susan in FL

  20. OK blog great BB crap. I have an appointment with my doc this afternoon begging for a 4 week induced coma. When is something going to happen. This year is so booring if it weren't for this blog i might just give up bb. Matt is an idiot, i was so happy he won and had both the brachels by there respective balls. Well i thought his idea was not bad but like him i was soooooo wrong. Can not believe Brandong won again. He is the perfect man like Boobsie said. Hated the boys at the beginning but at least they had a plan. Still love my Brit but really need so see the crying return and those beautiful red eyes. Just want to see most of them gone or someone doing some game. They are just so pc its killing me. Well if the doc wont do me i may be back for more. Kisses to you Co Co, love you girl.