Don't You Touch My Piggies!

Dear Allison Grodner,

I don't care for you. I think you're delusional and possibly in need of medication. Every year your twists pretty much suck ass and every year you force HG's down our throat with inaccurate CBS editing. Last night you went overboard. Editing Lane to look like a moronic hillbilly while simulataneously making Brenchel look somewhat normal pushes the boundaries of good taste. And, for the love of god, do NOT bring Jeff back. I realize he makes you wet and all gooey inside, but enough already! He's a moron with an annoying accent who's really not all that good looking when you stop and think about it. Furthermore, the handling of the Feeds this year is beyond atrocious. Technical problems aside, 4 cameras on someone eating (loudly and grotesquely) is ridiculous. Scheming being cut short so I can see a nauseating redhead on an elliptical is nonsensical. Please retire and leave the show to someone with taste - and take Robyn Kass with you.

Love and other indoor sports,

Colette Lala

The day began with a frustrated man-child in a little hat yelling at some half naked women. Yup, Andrew's angry and, for some reason, he can't hold it in. Kristen and Kathy were in the bathroom getting ready for the day. Kathy was about to step into the shower and Kristen was either brushing her teeth or blowdrying her hair. In walks goofy awkward "worst eater of the year" Andrew. He marches up to the girls and begins shouting "Stop playing me like a fiddle!". Look, Fiddler On The Roof, no one's playing you like a fiddle so just pipe down. Kristen is shocked and says, "I have no idea what you're talking about." Andrew, wide-eyed and crazy, huffs, stomps his feet, then turns around and walks out. Kristen mutters that he better talk to her like a normal person from now on or she might shift into a grizzly bear and show him what's what.

A few minutes later Captain Douchebag is at it again. He finds Kristen in the bedroom and begins to scream at her for not consoling him. Andrew's big beef (with no cheese on it mind you) is that Kristen has been spending time all week with Kathy. He actually says, "I want to be comforted!". Kristen shouts back, "You're digging your own grave!" Andrew retorts, "You're digging YOUR own grave!" Aaaaaand scene!

Was it good for you? Yeah, I dug it too. It was great to see Kristen shake her calm exterior and really let loose. Unfortunately, the whole shouting match was cut incredibly short by that nosy overly jealous bitch Rachel when she walked in naked and wrapped in a towel. The other HG's at least had the decency to stay back and eavesdrop outside the door like any normal person would, but Rachel knows a good clip opportunity when she sees one. She's no dummy. Fights get aired on CBS and what does Cunty McCunterson want more than anythng else in life? Attention and air time. Worse still, the only part of the fight Rachel really caught was Kristen saying, "You're digging your own grave." so of course she interprets it as Kristen threatening death. Outside the bedroom Matt, who's slightly douchey yet much more open-minded than Rachel, tells Ragan and Britney, "Andrew digs his own grave everytime he speaks." Ahhh I see someone has finally had a change of heart. Welcome Matt. The sane world is a fun place to be. Please take a brochure and have a look around. You're a little late to the party (no sane person would let Brenchel be safe), but you're welcome to some refreshments and appetizers. We hope your stay is a pleasant and comfortable one.

So after all the excitement everyone begins approaching Kristen wondering what the hell just happened. She recaps the story accurately and says that Andrew was upset because he thought that she was only consoling and comforting Kathy. In fact, Kathy was the one who sought out Kristen not the other way around. Kristen was open to talking to anybody all week long. It's not her fucking fault Andrew hides away by himself doing god knows what.

Speaking of hiding all by himself, that's exactly what Andrew did after attacking Kristen. He shuffled back to his little Have-Not room and began to cry like the little bitch he is. A grown man, a father, a doctor runs and hides so he can cry over a 20-something girl not consoling him. Go back and reread that sentence again. I want the full weight of it to really hit you. I'm sorry, but if I ever happen to be in Miami and a foot problem arises, Dr. Andrew Gordon is the last fucking man I'm letting lay his hands on my little piggies. Worse still, he turns to his Bible for comfort. Maybe he's looking for the Leviticus passage that says, "Thou shalt throw baby tantrums and cry for hours." Who knows?

As if Andrew wasn't bad enough, we're now treated to Ragan putting on airs and making the "necessary" visits to everyone letting them know that he's going to vote for Andrew to leave. He doesn't just say, "Look bitches, I'm keeping Kathy. Deal with it." No. He launches into a speech about good and evil, spirit, sanctity, equity, something about the truth setting you free, and he may or not have quoted Lincoln at some point. I don't know. It was ridiculous and I don't really have time to go through it all. In a nutshell, Ragan told Brenchel, Andrew, and Matt that Andrew said something snarky about the Have-Not's which was a clear indicator to him that Andrew's character was tainting the spiritual equity of the house so now he's voting him out. Whatever. I hope you get laringitis Ragan.

This brings us to the juicy part. OK so Andrew is still crying and Brendon sneaks in and tells Andrew that he needs to fight to stay. Andrew says that on Thursday he's gonna make a speech that'll shock everyone and leave Brenchel in good standing. Brendon isn't too thrilled with the idea of Andrew making another one of his speeches so he advises Andrew to hold a "house meeting" to apologize to everyone. Andrew starts to weep again saying that apologizing won't help. They begin stealth whispering and it was really hard to hear, but I think I heard Brendon telling Andrew to tell Lane that he's after Brenchel. Brendon was also saying something about how the votes may go and I heard Andrew say, "Are you serious? Are you really that clueless?" That kind of made me laugh.

In the end, there was a lot of blubbering on Andrew's end and hot air on Brendon's. Andrew actually agreed to do the "house meeting" plan and, at home, we all got super excited for some fireworks. Miraculously, Andrew managed to sop up his tears and go outside for a breath of fresh air. He begins to talk to Enzo and he mentions the "house meeting" he wants to have. Enzo sighs and tells him that he can't blow up on people like he's been doing. He's on the block! He needs to watch himself. Andrew blames stress and the slop diet for why he's so douchetastic this week.

Then, we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

While we waited, Andrew started to cry again. Oh for fuck's sake, he cries more than I did when I found out Jeff was going to be visiting the BB12 house for a night. I just can't escape that guy. So yeah, Andrew is now doing that loud, snorty, hiccup like crying thing and Brendon sneaks in to console him... again. Brendon starts talking about Andrew's daughter and how he needs to stay in the game and it's so not helping cuz Andrew is only crying harder. Brendon tells Andrew how genuine he is and, for a second, I thought they were gonna make out or something. I think it might have been the only time I actually wished Rachel would have entered the room. She's still not too keen on Andrew and it drives her nuts that Brendon has little secret plans with him.

After hours of waiting, the house meeting finally happened. Of course, I missed it, but those sassy bitches over at onlinebigbrother.com informed me that it was like 3 minutes long and all Andrew did was cry and apologize to Kristen, Brendon, and Rachel.

Unfortunately, this is where I leave you today. I have some personal stuff to take care of today that sucks so much more than you could ever imagine. I'd much rather sit here and write for you assholes. The good news is all these interruptions I'm having will soon be over. I don't know if I'll be able to blog tomorrow. I'll be gone most of today and into tonight, but I'll try my best. Perhaps I can cover the HOH room reveal.

So, who do you bitches want to go home tonight? Who do you absolutely do NOT want to win HOH? Would you ever trust your feet to a crying baby like Andrew? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

The Worst Person On The Planet

She awoke with a grumble. It had been another long night working the floor at the Stardust Hotel. She leaned over the side of the bed, coughed up something with some body to it, and spit it into an old pair of crusty panties. Waking up was never easy for Rachel. The sweaty Efficiency she lived in let the light stream through the windows much earlier than she would have liked. Mrs. Bunton's cat upstairs was always squealing and the couple next door spent yet another night hooting and hollering at a tractor pull on the TV. She'd gotten shmammered at work again which didn't please her boss, but always paid off in spades in tips. Lying on the dirty futon she willed herself to get up and begin the laborious 5 hour process of making herself presentable. There were hairs to pluck out of moles, giant whiteheads to pop, pony extensions to comb out, and fake nails to apply. The morning was the time of the day she dreaded the most. She knew the second her feet hit the floor, she'd hear that familiar scurry of cockroaches running to their hiding places. If only she could find a man to rescue her, a knight in shining armor if you will. He'd have to be tall, fit, and rich, of course. He better not make her sign a pre-nup though. Women who sign pre-nups are idiots and she didn't go to community college to be 3 credits shy of a Chemistry degree to be called an idiot! Let's recap, shall we?

I hate Rachel Reilly. I hate her with every fiber of my being. She speaks and my insides tremble in fear. She laughs and I can feel bile creep it's way up my throat. She pouts and my pet unicorn impales himself with his own horn. She's the second most vile creature on the planet. (The first is Ass Licker - Ass Licker will always be first.) It's work to watch her on a daily basis and I've begun to develop several strange and intolerable ticks as a result. My neck involuntarily spasms, my eyes blink and twitch a lot, and I mutter the phrase "Stop it... just stop it!" over and over again to no one but myself. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that, at some point, Rachel will discover that millions upon millions of people despise her. Maybe she'll even read this blog one day. Who knows? Just in case she does, I want her to know in painstaking detail exactly how repugnant I find her to be. In fact, it'll be my mission to clue her in. It'll be difficult and there will be pain, but I'll do it. On behalf of you, my lovely and slightly perverted readers, I will do it. *sigh* I feel like Joan of Arc preparing for battle or Billie Jean trying to get Christian Slater's money back for the scooter. Fair is fair bitches... fair is fair!

The day began very slowly yesterday. Lots of random chitchat about movies and whatnot. Britney muses that Russell's behavior to Ronnie wouldn't be tolerated in the house this season. I agree with her and therein lies the problem. The big stinky problem that's ruining Big Brother 12 on a daily basis. Political correctness and the paranoia it incites runs rampant in this house and I've had just about enough of it. This idea of always doing the right thing or picking the correct approach is systematically ruining a show I so dearly love. No one yells, no one expresses themselves - individuality is stifled. I want my Big Brother house to be more like a mental institution where the walls themselves, although they keep a person locked in, grant permission for the most honest and free expression of behavior. Instead, we're tortured with incessant conversations about feelings and understanding. Throw caution to the wind, assholes, and get down and dirty. For the love of god... I beg you.

I ask for crazy and I'm given Brenchel. While it's close, it's not exactly the crazy I'm looking for. Anyhow, Bitch Boy and Hyena Fuckface are lying down together having the first of many little tiffs that will plague us throughout the day. Rachel, that incessant bird beaked fun sucker, is still mad that Brendon trusts Andrew. Brendon tries to appease her, but his ruffled panties and pacifier are getting in the way. Rachel's mind is set - she does not trust Andrew and nothing, not even a George Michael impression, will change her mind. Brendon tries to no avail to convince Rachel that Andrew threw the POV for him the other day. In fact, Brendon is so convinced he threw it that he'll go ahead and throw HOH to Andrew next week. Hold up Shirley Temple! Aren't you the same guy who bitches every week about people throwing comps? I thought so. Go back to your corner and make your macaroni art. I've had just about enough of you.

The discussion then turns to Kristen. Fair haired banging bodied Kristen who'd never hurt a fly unless, of course, it was her day to be a frog. Rachel is pea green with jealousy over Kristen. Kristen didn't systematically stage a showmance yet one fell naturally into her lap. Kristen doesn't have to be phony and laugh like a hyena for attention yet all the boys like her. Kristen speaks with a soft valley girl voice and people pay attention. She doesn't need to cackle and flare her nostrils while getting red wine intravenously pumped into her veins. Kristen is everything Rachel is not and it's drives Rachel batshit crazy. Rachel spends hours upon hours thinking up ways to hate Kristen. The jealousy she feels is like a flesh eating virus slowly eating away at her skin. Kristen's never really done anything heinous or gross so Rachel is forced to invent reasons to hate her. Rachel says that Kristen cut the boys hair on purpose. That was her way of getting in good with them. Umm you stupid duck lipped cunt, Kristen cut the boys hair cuz YOU fucked it up last time. The boys already liked her! She's a nice girl who doesn't have to flaunt and create drama to get attention yet Rachel is convinced that Kristen wants to be the only girl left in the house before she turns her evil nonexistent rage on all the boys.

Jealousy, to a person like Rachel who craves all the attention for herself, will make a person do evil and wicked things - things like spreading malicious lies. Rachel is already hard at work planting seeds in the rest of the HG's minds that Kristen is up to no good. She "accidentally" let it slip to Hayden that Kristen said she could control him. *pause* God, I hate that. If only Rachel knew how ugly this envy is making her. Kristen never said any such thing about Hayden and nor would she. Control over people is so completely out of character for someone like Kristen whereas Rachel salivates and writhes in ecstasy over control. Just look at her little Bitch Boy boyfriend. If she's not controlling his every thought and desire, she's throwing tantrums and pouting in a corner.

So while Rachel has set her sights on destroying Kristen, Brendon is more focused on Andrew and the love he feels for him. He tells Rachel that Andrew will publicly apologize to both of them for the speech he gave and then he'll hang out with Enzo and his crew and report back all he's discovered to Brenchel. Really? Why don't I ever see Brendon and Andrew having these pow wows? Is this what's going in another room when all 4 feeds are showing me Lane playing pool or Ragan whining about baby food? When I stop to think about it, sometimes the feeds will go 8 hrs without showing certain individuals. I sure hope we're not missing pertinent discussions and important game play. I don't know who's running the feeds this year, but that person needs to be fired and never allowed to work in television again. I swear they left it up to a stoned intern who's busy scraping his bowl and sneaking out back for a smoke rather than following the action in the house.

Speaking of Andrew, apparently he told Britney that Kathy was gunning for her. Britney, in turn, told Kathy and now Kathy is pissed. She spent most of the day telling everyone what Andrew said and how it's a complete and total lie. Up in the HOH she told Matt she couldn't believe Andrew would do such a thing. They promised not to play like that. Matt tells Kathy that if the vote comes to a tie, he'll vote to keep Kathy. I have no idea is this is true or not. I can't tell anymore with Matt. He's playing so many damn sides of the house that it's impossible to uncover what his true intentions are. To Kathy, he's appearing very anti-Andrew and all things Brenchel. He tells Kathy that he's sure Andrew is working with Brenchel and asks her if Brenchel is on her radar at all. Kathy says without a doubt she's on the warpath to get rid of them. If she wins HOH, they're both going up and one is definitely going home. Sounds good to me!

Hayden and Kristen share a brief moment in the bedroom where Kristen reveals that she likes to wear sunglasses all the time so she can feign sleep and carefully watch other HG's without them knowing about it. Hayden laughs, leans in to give her a peck on the lips, and Kristen says, "Is that all I get?" Hayden nods his shaggy mane and heads to the door. Now, these two are cute. They're normal, they're not trying to shove their showmance down our throats, and they don't make me want to barf up a lung. I'm not gonna be some psycho fan who obsesses over these BB romances though. If they hit it off, great. If they don't, oh well. No biggie.

Now I'm gonna fast forward to the big show that happened in the early evening. Brendon made some comment about wanting a pre-nup and Rachel completely lost her shit. First off Bitch Boy, pre-nups are for people with money not swim coaches who want to be physicists. You wanting a pre-nup is like when George Costanza wanted a pre-nup in that episode of Seinfeld. His fiance laughed in his face and said, "You don't have any money! Sure, I'll sign it. Get me the papers." Secondly, you've known Rachel for less than a month! You're both insane to even be muttering any words associated with marriage. Call me crazy but I have a feeling that Brendon is a major momma's boy and if I know anything about mothers, especially Latin ones, it's that they're very judgmental about who their kids date - especially the boys. I picture Brendon's mom at home clutching her rosary beads and having prayer circles to get that red-headed harlot out of her son's life. I guarantee the Villegas house has been plagued with Spanish curse words ever since BB12 went to air earlier in the month. I am dying to see that home interview by the way. I'm 99% sure Brendon's parents hate Rachel. I mean, come on, how could they not?

OK so Bitch Boy wants a pre-nup and Rachel thinks that's gross yadda yadda yadda. They go outside to the hammock where Bitch Boy declares his love for Rachel and Rachel responds with... silence. Yes, silence. She doesn't tell him she loves him back. He's putting his cape on and trying to figure out how to strap a sword to his hip and she's just sitting there not saying a word. She thinks he's being too clingy, Brendon begins to whine, and the Feedsters go nuts on Twitter. I'm gonna be honest - I missed the fight. I knew it was happening and I was reading about it on Twitter, but I was already lying in bed and I just couldn't be bothered to get up and plug my laptop back in - not for Rachel anyway. I'll be damned if I let that bitch make me inconvenience myself. Besides, I knew that as soon as BBAD started that they'd be kissing and making up. It's uncanny really. I think both of them had a device implanted into their brains that begins to click when 9 PM is approaching.

Of course, I was right. They cuddled and kissed just in time for the BBAD theme song. Oh, it should also be noted that while they were fighting Brendon brought up the fact that he doesn't really care for Britney at all. For some reason, this angered Rachel so, in response, she marches inside to take a bath with... wait for it... Britney. It was disturbing. It completely warped my sense of good and evil. It kept me up all night. I was thisclose to calling an exorcist or a demonologist. I can't explain it, but the anger I felt seeing them in that tub together shredding Kristen to bits hurt me from within. When Rachel made fun of Kristen's laugh (I know, right? How dare she?!) I took a fire place poker and stabbed myself between the eyes. I was hoping for some emotional release or for maybe the pain of iron embedded deep inside my skull to distract me from what I was witnessing on the tv screen, but nothing worked. I tossed and turned, kicked the covers every which way, moaned in agony, and frantically placed crucifixes all around my bed for I knew that what I was seeing was truly demonic. I pondered calling those Paranormal State kids over for a consultation, but then I realized I'd have to listen to Ryan Buell talk into his tape recorder so I quickly nixed that idea. Seriously, that guy is the worst.

So while all this crap is polluting my brain, Andrew is in the HOH with Matt threatening to expose a super secret house alliance that only he knows about. *sigh* He's talking about Hayden and Kristen. Matt tries to get Andrew to reveal what he knows, but Andrew shakes his head and promises all will be revealed on Thursday during his speech and it'll make everyone reconsider their votes. First off, what kind of glitter sprinkled fantasy land is Andrew living in because I definitely want to move there? Telling the group that Hayden and Kristen are a couple isn't going to make them want to keep Andrew. It's gonna make them say, "Duh, we already knew that. Now, buh bye Captain Kosher." When Matt retells Andrew's mad rantings to the Badda-bing boys, Hayden gets a slightly nervous look on his face, but Lane saves the day proposing that Andrew is probably just making shit up now to stay in the game. Lane says something like, "What if he just starts naming random people like me and Enzo? We know it's not true." Thank you Lane. Bless your heart. They all laugh at Andrew and what a freak he is and I was suddenly able to fall asleep knowing that I only have to endure a little more than 24 hrs off his vile and wretched eating habits. At least, I hope that's all I have to endure.

So, what did you bitches think of the big Brenchel fight? Is the halo around Brendon's head dimming? Is Britney really friends with Rachel? Does Andrew have any hope of saving himself? Shouldn't that bath water have been put into a toxic chemicals container with a biohazard sign on it? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

And a super special ass smacking Happy Birthday to one Mitchievous Write. Happy Birthday Bitch! No, I will not have sex with you.

Swear On Arkansas

After she went down to the creek to fetch her water for the day, Kathy Faye would then begin to do the washing up. Everyday she has to bury her bucket of feces downwind of the tiny cabin that often looked like a small breeze could knock it off it's mountaintop perch. The wooden porch may as well have been put together with toothpicks. It was her granddaddy who built the cabin back at the turn of the century. It was intended as a place for the moonshiners to stay when they were out working late at night in the hollow and solid longlasting contstruction wasn't really his forte or his intention. He was a grumpy man with a scruffy beard who shuffled around with one suspender and a screw top jar full of the 'shine in his front pocket. Kathy Faye had only known him briefly as a child and even though he was scary and gruff, she knew the formula for how much sugar and yeast to use would always get her out of a jam if she was desperate. And Pappy Faye's 'shine did exactly that... how do you think she paid for all them oncology tests? Well, let's just say it wasn't the HMO down at the Sheriff's office. It was long nights swatting at the 'skitos', clutching the double barrel in her lap, and smoking cig after cig making sure Sheriff Dobkins didn't swing by at the end of his night down at the honky tonk. Yup, Kathy Faye was a tough broad who's been to this side of hell and back. She's expects the worst to happen now. It's just easier that way. Expect it and you'll never be surprised. Let's recap, shall we?

It's POV Ceremony day and the whole house is still confused as to whom to vote out and who to keep. Kathy Faye has been avidly working Kristen over by telling her about Brenchel's hate for her and Hayden while Andrew has pretty much kept to himself planning his jars of baby food for the day. Yesterday, dear friends, that all changed. The morning began with Kathy Faye and Kristen dreading the pending POV Ceremony. Kristen sighed languidly wondering why both Brendon and Rachel had to play in the POV. This would all be so much easier if they'd just backdoored Brendon and been done with it. I like Kristen. I always have. When I see people on Twitter gets all bitchy and nasty over some silly socks she's wearing I can't help but think how petty and childish it all is. I don't know. If you dislike someone make it for something more than her fucking socks.

OK so everyone is whispering and chitchatting over the big POV Ceremony. I sat home and wondered why. We all know Brendon's not going to use the damn POV. The noms will stay the same. What could possibly happen to shake things up? Lane sits and wonders if there's actually a way they can convince Brendon to use the POV after all. Maybe tempt him into getting out another strong male in the house? Look, unless Brendon is met with an untimely accident where he slips on the kitchen floor and half his brain oozes out of his ear, there's no way in hell he's using that POV. While Lane is busy making wishful thinking plans, Enzo tells the other Badda-bing members, "I'm telling you man, I say we get rid of fucking Andrew." Enzo has always thought that Andrew was a bit of a shady character. For one, he's creepy. B) He keeps to himself so who the hell knows what he's thinking. Thirdly, he seems to have a lot of acquaintances in the house ready to jump to his defense. You add it all up and he's too much of a wild card.

Hayden and Lane head up to the HOH to wait for Matt and have a Badda-bing meeting of the minds. While they wait, they run through various scenarios of who Brenchel would put on the block if they won HOH next week. They're thinking two members of Badda-bing could end up on the block and this freaks them out. Eventually, Matt makes his way upstairs but hot on his heels is Ragan. I swear that guy can smell a meeting about to go down from a mile away. Homeowners meetings, AA meetings, Girl Scout meetings... you name it, Ragan will find it.

Lane and Hayden decide, for Ragan's benefit, to ask Matt how he thinks the votes will go. Matt thinks the house is split right now. Lane tells the group that Andrew hasn't approached him at all yet Kathy has approached him twice already. Both nominees leave such a question mark in Lane's mind that he decides he'll vote for George Clooney to stay instead. He's a popular guy. Besides he's got that house on Lake Como and maybe he'll invite the HG's to visit one day. All of a sudden, BB comes over the loud speaker and calls Ragan to the DR. Feedsters were thrilled and Lane says, "Good job DR!". With Ragan safely out of the way, the meeting resumes and all guys confess to being really confused at to exactly what the house is thinking. Matt thinks Kristen is a great resource as she's close to both nominees. She'd be the best person to find out what Andrew is really thinking. Matt lies and says over and over that he really doesn't care who goes home. He claims he has no loyalties either way. It seems to me that Matt has loyalties to everyone but Badda-bing! He's loyal to Andrew, he's loyal to Ragan... this asshole even wants Brenchel to win HOH next week! I understand he's playing for himself and that's fine, but doesn't he realize that as soon as the house puts two and two together his ass is gonna be alone with nary a vote to help him? He's lucky Badda-bing was built on loyalty and trust. It's a brotherhood that wouldn't even consider to question betrayal from within. That's their one downfall. They believe too much in themselves.

Matt laughs and jokes that whatever they decide as a group will probably will wrong anyways. Lane secretly hopes they can piss someone off so much that a fight will break out and someone will be removed saving poor Lane from having to vote. Hayden muses aloud that he remembers Brendon boasting back in week one how he's "got Andrew". Instead of all this guessing and conjecture, I can't help but wonder why one of them doesn't just make a deal or something. Badda-bing is entirely too complacent. Lane and Hayden are beginning to step up and question moves, but it's all happening a little too slow for me. If I had things my way, Badda-bing would recruit Britney and Kristen, figure out Matt is double crossing them, systematically take out the entire house, then at the end turn on each other and duke it out for Final 3. I've written my wishes in blood by candlelight on some really old parchment paper (in fact, I think it was Egyptian papyrus) while chanting in the all powerful Ancient Enochian so I'm pretty sure the powers that be got my message and will make it so.

Britney enters the meeting and again makes the point that Andrew is a strong player and she'd much rather have to compete against Kathy than him. This is where Matt comes up with his new "target" tactic. He tells Britney that keeping Andrew in the house essentially keeps another target around that the house will go after. It's moronic and makes very little sense. He'll continue to pitch it throughout the day to other HG's. No one really buys it and Matt is forced to rip up the "target plan" index card he pulled out of his shorts that day.

A bunch of other pre-POV Ceremony speculating goes on, but it's all pretty much the same old same old. Where does Brenchel really lie? Is Andrew with them? How will Kathy vote next week? Why is Matt's hand always down his pants? Is he digging for gold? Yadda yadd yadda fast forward to right after the POV Ceremony...

The Feeds return and we find the house stunned. I clutched my pearls and prayed that Brendon used the POV. It turns out Andrew, the dreidel meister himself, made a hell of a speech that may or may not have involved Rachel snorting fire through her nose. It's all very confusing so I leaned in close hoping I could piece together the mystery. Here's what I came up with...

Andrew gave a speech that specifically named Brendon and Rachel in some capacity. I think he said he was gunning for them and, upon hearing this, Rachel began to huff and puff and rock back and forth while making fists with her hands. Her reaction was so over the top and phony that it made the entire house question whether or not it was all a big set-up and that all along Andrew has been secretly working with Brenchel. It may not sound like that big of a deal, but, seriously, it must have been a doozy because right after all was said and done not only had Kristen firmly cemented her decision to boot Andrew, but so has Ragan! That's HUGE. If you remember, Ragan has been dead set against Kathy because she lacked a certain fire in her belly that he deems necessary to stay in the game. Ragan and all his highfalutin talk of integrity and mumbo jumbo was completely turned off by what Andrew and Rachel did in that meeting.

Conversely, Kathy gave a heartfelt and emotional speech that was authentic and genuine. She's been a fighter all her life and she's gonna continue to fight to stay in this game. She sits with Ragan in the HOH and finally we hear the real story of why she needs to stay in the Big Brother house. She's scared she might get sick again and she wants to make sure her son and mom are provided for. Apparently, the type of chemo they gave her makes her a strong candidate to now contract Leukemia. Up until right before the Molasses Have-Not competition she was still getting medicine intravenously which is why she was so bruised up. She just happened to mention in passing that her bruises had finally gone away and it was this statement alone that lit a teeny tiny ember in Ragan's heart. He wants Kathy to approach everyone and mention that no one has been more beat up in these challenges than her. He wants her to explain to everyone what a true fighter she is. All along he thought she just really didn't want to be there when, in actuality, she might want to be there more than anyone else.

OK I realize I'm getting my charming Kathy Faye all mixed up with the real Dragon Lady and that's my perogative. What I refuse to understand though is how Feedsters who so vehemently supported Matt's "My wife has a disease" lie are the same Feedsters blasting Kathy for using her own very real disease to garner sympathy votes. Uh... hypocrite much? You can't be in favor of Matt using a disease to get votes and not be in favor of Kathy doing the exact same thing! The premise is the same. One just happens to be a lie while the other is a truth. Look, make fun of Kathy all you want for smoking and drinking soda. That's fine, but don't tell me she's being weak for doing the exact same thing your precious Matt is doing. If sympathy works, use it! You use whatever you can to stay in the game. It's overwhelming the hypocrisy I see amongst fans and it really pisses me off.

While I'm good and mad, let's talk about fans calling Rachel a whore. From the behavior I've seen in the house thus far from Rachel, she is not a whore. Sure, she's annoying, repugnant, and makes me wants to strangle kittens on a daily basis, but a whore that does not make. It drives me crazy when women rush to call other women a whore just because they're hooking up and you're not. I said the same thing last year with Lydia. Sure, Jessie was gross and whatnot, but it doesn't make her a whore if she wants to hook up with him. What is it about Big Brother that turns it's fans into a bunch of puritanical radicals better suited for 1692 Salem, Massachusetts rather than the liberated 2010 we're now living in? It happens every season. Cat ladies and chat hags alike get on their moral high horses and blast young girls just trying to having fun. Look, I HATE Rachel with a burning passion that sets my loins ablaze, but I'm not gonna go and call her a whore just because she's hooking up with a guy she genuinely likes. If she gets naked and fucks Brendon violently while winking to the camera, then we'll talk, but until then you might wanna lay off the whore accusations. It only makes you look uptight and jealous.

Alright, where were we? OK so Andrew gave a moronic speech implicating Brendon and Rachel and afterwards Brendon goes around the house and still pledges to keep Andrew in the game. Uh, hello red flag! Brenchel, by reputation, are uber paranoid of anyone who might give a whisper of a hint of being after them. All of a sudden they're named loud and clear in a speech and they're suddenly alright with it? Nuh uh. Not ok. It turns out, and grab your glitter for this one, that Rachel wasn't in the know when it came to Andrew and Brendon secretly working together. *bites fist* She had no idea that it was a plan designed to throw off the other HG's. In the middle of Brendon begging Rachel for forgiveness with baby talk, he says that Andrew threw the POV competition so Brendon would win. Um, exsqueeze me? Baking powder? Andrew, while being on the block, THREW the POV comp?! Oh hell no.

Rachel clenches her teeth and purses her lips. She's furious Brendon actually thought for himself before consulting her. She tells him that she can't in good conscience vote to keep Andrew now. She's already told people she was pissed at him! Brendon grabs her hand and nuzzles her neck, "Don't doubt your man. Gosh you're so feisty." Rachel shrieks, "Feisty?!? What the hell do you mean by that?!" Brendon replies, "No baby, I meant it's cute. You're amazing. You're so great. Don't be mad." Rachel crosses her arms across her chest and pouts.

I took the break in the conversation as an opportunity to retrieve my new torture device. I ordered it online and it just arrived yesterday. I'm very excited about this one. It dates back all the way to Medieval Pillars Of The Earth times so it must be cool. What it is is a giant burlap sack filled with really pissed off rats who haven't eaten for days. I simply insert my leg into one of the holes and let the rats do their thing. It's the most effective way I could think of for not only Sepsus and Typhoid to infect me, but also the Bubonic Plague and a good healthy dose of Meningitis. From now on, anytime Brendon whines or Rachel cackles I just very simply slip an appendage inside the sack and I'm good to go.

After Andrew's stunning speech, the rest of the house is obviously in turmoil. Ragan and Kristen have vowed to save Kathy, but how are Badda-bing reacting? Well, Matt, their tiny leader, attempts to coach Andrew on how to stay in the house. He advises Captain Kosher to approach everyone and even offers up his HOH as a place to do it in. Andrew really had no plans to campaign until Tuesday or Wednesday because he thought Monday was way too early. Andrew's big gripe is that he doesn't want to be controlled. He tells Matt that he sees Kathy being controlled and he doesn't want that to happen to him. Matt corrects him and tells him that Kathy isn't being controlled at all. It's exactly the opposite. She's doing her own thing which, in essence, makes her more of a liability. Matt still very much wants Andrew to stay, but Andrew's shenanigans are making it harder and harder for Matt to legitimately defend him. Andrew's going to have to pull something stunning out of his ass to help switch the house back to his favor.

The rest of Badda-bing is leaning is towards Kathy - especially Hayden and Enzo. Lane is still running scenarios and flip flopping, but he'll most likely vote how his alliance votes. So, for the time being, it looks like Kathy will stay. However, if Andrew manages to work some magic and convince Badda-bing he's the better choice, it can all flip again. With Matt helping Andrew out, anything can happen at this point.

So, who do you guys want to stay now? Andrew with buddy boy Brendon in his corner or Kathy the chain smoking cancer survivor? Will Rachel vote with Brendon or will she vote her own conscience? Are you surprised Ragan flipped and can he flip again at this point? Would you like to reserve my rats in a sack for the next time Brenchel gets HOH? I'm taking reservations as we speak. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Evil Comes In Many Forms

It's not a well known fact, but the Devil is actually a family man. If you think about it, it really shouldn't be all that shocking. He likes decadence which means he's probably a fan of late nights out at the club, lots of promiscuity, drugs, drinking, and general hedonism which naturally lends way for lots and lots of kids. The problem is keeping up with all of his relatives. Fortunately, I'm always on the hunt and can spot a member of the "Satan Clan" pretty easily. I singlehandedly uncovered Lucifer (Russell Hantz) last Fall and, now, I'm quite sure I've uncovered another member. This one is unlikely and very very evil. He masks himself with a mission for "good", but I know his real mission is to make my life a living hell. He's thin, wiley, quick, a hell of a hunter, has a nose for mischief and if you know Ancient Enochian like I do, then you know that the word "Ragan" actually translates to "major pain in the ass". Double entendre should obviously be noted. I may not be in the house myself, but "major pain in the ass" is deftly hunting me down minute after minute, hour after hour. I try to run. I try to hide. I even traded my tumbler of gin for a can of diet coke to try to throw him off my scent, but he still found me. I may be up against something I'll never be able to destroy. Let's recap, shall we?

Matt has nominated Kathy and Andrew which really makes sense to no one. I'm not even sure it makes sense to Matt. I sometimes wonder if he wants us to think he's got index card after index card of BB schemes hiding in his pants (this explains why his hand is always down there), but really he's just doing random shit in an effort to appear smarter than everyone - like it's all part of some big Master Plan. Matt wants us to think he's nominated Andrew and Kathy under the guise of backdooring Bitch Boy and splitting up Brenchel. If this was the case, he would have just nominated Bitch Boy and Hyena Fuckface from the start. Even if one won the POV, the other would go home. Boom. Bam. Done. Easy peasy, but nooooo Matt has to perform all these slight of hand tricks with lots of smoke and mirrors where random people become pieces in his own personal fantasy chess game. Whenever I see Matt speak, I always picture him with a top hat and tails. He's pacing back and forth, to and fro, across his "stage" flitting his hands here and there. We don't quite know where to look. We want to catch him doing something, but quite often the performance ends and we're all like "That's it? That's magic? Ummm yeah I want my money back."

So Matt, I want my money back. I don't care for you anymore. I stuck up for your lie, but I'm sorry, I just can't forgive anyone who had the opportunity to split up Brenchel and wastes it getting out someone who's so easy to write about. That someone is Kathy Faye, Dragon Lady Extraordinaire. I first need to say that the POV came and went and, of course, Bitch Boy won so expect the nominations to stay the same. Matt's target is now Kathy. Sure, she's lazy and that voice makes me stab myself in my pancreas, but I don't think I'm ready to see Kathy go yet. I feel like I'm just getting to know her. She's slowly revealing herself to me and I can't help but want to climb inside and swim around for a while. Whenever I'm at a loss for words or struggling to find my way through a story, I know I can always count on Supine Sally to lift me up and take me to places I've never imagined.

*inhale*

You know, sister, I ain't ready to go yet. I've been through hell and back *exhale* and I can tell you stories about things you've never imagined ever existed. *inhale* I've chased a peacock down the Texas Panhandle in the dark of night while a crackwhore named Bertha shouted cuss words to me from her 5th floor walk-up. *exhale* Oh yeah sister, I've performed cavity searches on women with no legs, old ladys with Amazonian jungles in between their legs, and one gal, 'Peanut' they called her, who actually handed me her leg while she undressed. *inhale* Have you ever tried one of them thighmasters? I ordered one off a, one of them, info-mercials they play on the tv. *exhale* That daggum thing almost poked my eye out. It DID poke my cats eye out! I tried doing it standing up and the shit went flying, poor Sprinkles got caught in the crossfire, and $400 later I'm stuck with a cat with one eye. I do like that Suzanne Sommers though. *inhale* Hell of a woman. She had the cancer too, but beat it with fruit juices and some nonsense like that. Not me. I like the hard stuff. *exhale* Stick Pine-Sol in my veins if you gotta. No sissy organic shit for me. *inhale* That Peanut *laughs to self* she just looooved to take that leg off and swat it at the officers. I keep her photo on my dash to remind me: things can always get tougher, but no matter what *exhale* you never let it get you down.

See? I told you. She can be likable... once I get done with her.

OK so the POV didn't go exactly as planned and Matt is in his room smacking the bed and saying over and over again, "This wasn't supposed to happen!" You know, Matt's not a very good actor. It was during his faux tantrums that I realized that he had no intention of getting rid of Brenchel. Brenchel is a duo dumb enough to buy into his lie about his wife. They're votes for him in the Jury House. He'd never be willing to sacrifice a vote. Kathy, on the other hand, well, she doesn't care too much for Mr. Matt. She voted against him once and you can believe she'll do it again.

Matt's big problem now, of course, is Andrew. How do you solve a problem like Andrew? More importantly, how is it that Andrew was actually able to play in the POV? Not only was it a game and a competition on the Sabbath, but it was the "Hold & Fold" POV which, I think, could count as gambling. I'm penning a letter to Israel as we speak. I must get to the bottom of this. In the meantime, Matt is preoccupied with the fact that Andrew really doesn't care for him. Not to get off topic or anything, but isn't Matt a Jew too? Hoffman = Jewish. No? Could Andrew's anger stem from more than just being pissed at the whole pawn scheme? Is Matt not pious enough? I know Jews don't care for tattoos. Our young Matt Hoffman is a tattoed freak. I believe Leviticus and Andrew would have a HUGE problem with that. Of course, this is all just speculation on my part. Not the Leviticus thing, the "Matt is Jewish" thing. Leviticus was one tough bitch though, let me tell you. He was full of all sorts of rules and dietary/sexual restrictions. Leviticus, Levy to his friends, must have been such a buzzkill at parties, but I digress.

Matt's big new plan is to - wait for it - push a tie so he can be the tiebreaker and come to Andrew's rescue. First off, I'd never trust the HG's to vote how you tell them. Switching a vote at the last minute would be a genius way to fuck up Matt's game. That's totally something I'd do. I'd tell Matt I'm voting one way and then I'd vote another just to get revenge on him for keeping Brenchel together. Secondly, Andrew wouldn't care if Matt saved him. He knows how much Matt hates Kathy. He's just the lesser of two evils. Besides, Matt is still a bad Jew (I think). Tie or no tie, that'll never change.

This brings me to Mr. Pain In The Ass himself, Ragan. *sigh* Ragan. Bugs. The. Shit. Out. Of. Me. This phony righteous attitude he has is really chapping my ass. I want to know who told him he could be the judge of who's "deserving" enough to be in the game. His big thing now is that Andrew is more deserving than Kathy because Andrew is stronger in the competitions. LOL Idiot. Wouldn't getting out a strong person be, like, I don't know, a smart idea?! Yes, Andrew has proven to be a strong competitor. He's also proven to be the world's worst eater. Hence, therefore, heretofore, I want the asshole gone. Never in my life have I heard anyone eat as loud and as disgusting as he does. He makes the Ragamuffin with a fistful of toffee sound positively saintly. Besides, like most repressed religious men, Andrew is kinda creepy. The only reason he's been quiet for the past few weeks is cuz Rachel told him to his face to stop giving the women the heeby jeebies. No pun intended.

So Ragan is on this mission to save Andrew and this is where our game of cat and mouse began. I was watching Matt in the HOH trying to come up with a way to win back Andrew's love when Ragan enters and turns the conversation into a seminar on Honesty & Integrity. I left that conversation (because my ears were bleeding all over my keyboard) and went downstairs and outside to watch Kathy and Andrew mumble a few words to each other. Kathy was hot on the trail of a Lighter Thief and Andrew was saying that he wouldn't campaign against her. Kathy was sighing and smoking and hinting at there being a much bigger reason as to why she's in this game. She wouldn't say why, but, according to her, she has to stay in the house. I was intrigued. Did she embezzle money from her police station? Did a convict she busted just get released and is now out for blood? My head was swimming with all the possibilities as to why Kathy needed to hide out in the Big Brother house (Surely, they don't get CBS in the pen) when out of nowhere I swear I heard Ragan whisper, "Ha! I found you!" (he was referring to me of course). Ragan saunters into my "Kathy is on the run from something" fantasy and plops right down to, again, teach a course on feeling and understanding. I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists in fury.

Out of anger, and only anger, I decided to check in on what Brenchel was up to. I know, I know, why torture myself? It turns out they didn't disappoint. They were canoodling and kissing, of course, which has pretty much pushed my gag reflex to the limit when Rachel whispers that she can't believe how amazing Matt has been to them. Brendon agrees and says that they need to focus on getting more people, like Matt, on their side. Rachel then and there decides not to be mean to Britney anymore. She also decides that Kristen needs to go. Wha, wha, what?!? I thought she and Shapeshifter were good buddies? It turns out that Rachel thinks that Kristen is singlehandedly trying to get all the girls out of the game. You know what I think? I think Rachel is threatened by another couple in the house and she wants to squash it ASAP. Rachel declares she's now going after Kristen. I bit my fist and wondered how to slip a note to Kristen. I was thinking a pigeon might work when out of nowhere I heard a foreboding and suspenseful soundtrack. It was the music you hear when a killer is about to be revealed. Then, the door opens...

"Hey beautiful people! It's me, Ragan! Let's chat!" At home I sat with my jaw on the floor. My heart almost leaping out of my chest, I scrambled to get up and find a crucifix. In my headphones, I heard Ragan put on his big boy voice. It was very low and very deep, but I swear to whatever is holy he said, "You can never run from me.... I'm coming for you... Mwahahaha!" It sent chills down my spine I tell you. Ragan, AKA "Major pain in the ass", has declared war on not only what is good and decently evil BB game play, but on me. Sweet, innocent, charming, devastatingly beautiful me. I've called my Native American healer, my Feng Shui designer, and a very sassy Ecuadorian lady to cleanse my house from top to bottom. I need to find and close whatever evil portal Ragan is accessing me from. There's a tree in the backyard that's always looked at me the wrong way. I think I'll start there.

While I'm running from demons and making sure my ch'i is flowing properly, what do you bitches think Matt is up to? Was Brendon ever his target? Do you want Andrew or Kathy to stay? Can Ragan ever be stopped? How will you hurt yourself if Rachel becomes HOH next week? And exactly how much did you miss me yesterday? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

All photos in this blog were taken by me. I didn't have time to label them.

No blog today.

No blog today. :(

I will return tomorrow.

Kathy Faye Baker

The Showmance. I never really quite hated it so much as I do now. The cooing, the canoodling, the tiny whispers in the night that make me reach for the barf bag I saved from that flight to Nepal that we just won't talk about. Now, don't get me wrong, I like when people slut around and then give each other dirty looks the next day. Hell, that's my entire relationship history in a nutshell. What I don't care for though are the sly looks out of a corner of an eye to check that the cameras are picking up every hug, every tear, every whisper, every ass grab. And when the couple is comprised of a hyena and a testosterone-lacking doofus, why, I get suicidal. I almost took my own life yesterday by plunging shish kabob thing-a-ma-jigs into my gorgeous mug. Sure, I'm a little swollen and stuff is oozing out of my cheeks, but it was worth it dammit. It was worth it!

I've gotta be honest, I slept half the day yesterday. The doctor, Murray I think his name was, insisted propofol was completely normal for a shish kabob trauma so I went with it. It turns out I didn't miss too much as far as the BB house is concerned. Tweets were scarce. Hyena and Doofus made out. Kathy slumbered and I think Bitchney poked the eyes out of some innocent squirrels. Just your average BB12 day really.

There was one little nugget I found interesting: Rachel/Hyena/Giggles divulged that she'd love to be a sexy science host of a tv show. Does this sound like anyone else we know? As much as I loathe Rachel and wish she'd get a bad case of Mange, I still hate Ass Licker more. So... if there were to ever be a battle of the Science Nitwits, I'm rooting for Rachel. Let's face it, Ass Licker's face looks like a foot, the word "charisma" doesn't compute, her boobs are now growing on top of each other, and her awkwardness sends television viewers into a rage... kinda like that episode of Charmed when the Demon of Illusion made all the moviegoers really pissed off and want to kill each other. That's Ass Licker!

We learned that the POV Ceremony will take place today and then people tanned. Bo-ring!

BBAD started with Ragan telling us about his poetry slams. Poetry slams are basically places that really angry people who can't sing like to hang out. Their cadence and meter is all wonky and I'm quite sure they're all mad at "The Man". Although, when I think of "poetry slam", I think of taking one of those gigantic heavy poetry college textbooks and then slamming it right into Ass Licker's face. It might improve her nose. I'd be doing a public service really. Oh, but enough about Ass Licker, she'll be appearing at the BN soon enough. It's something you won't want to miss.... trust me!

Moving on... Kathy goes from one lying position to another and she's got Britney on the brain. Apparently, Britney came up to her when she was "fixing" to do laundry and was all like, "Why are you different to me now?" Kathy said, "I'm not different. I'm fixing to do laundry." Britney said, "You're different." Kathy said, "Well, I'm standing up. That's different." No, Kathy Faye, that's not what's different. Don't you remember how way back when last week you were the one reclining with Britney making fun of everyone? Don't act like you're all innocent now chicken fried steak. You, my dear, were the ring leader for the Plastics. You'd get them all into a frenzy and then after 45 cigarettes you'd pass out and pretend you knew nothing about nothing. God, I hate you. You are the most useless HG ever to grace the BB house. All you do is lay around, sigh, and mumble how you never have time for things. What in the sam hell are you talking about you don't have time for things? Do you have important meetings, shopping to do, meth houses to break into? You. Have. NOTHING. To. Do. Your job for the next 8 weeks is to play Big Brother. That's it. Play the goddamn game or get the fuck out. Seriously, I have no patience for people like you. Please quit. I beg you. Just quit. You can go home and sleep and add to your mascara collection or something. Look, I'm on my knees with my oozy face begging you to quit this game.

Damn I'm angry today, aren't I? There's a reason actually. I'm about to start a sort of "Hell Week" if you will. No, I'm not pledging a frat, but I might be trying out for the Navy Seals like Demi Moore did in G.I. Jane. I'll never tell. The point I'm trying to make, without getting too personal, is that this week is going to suck my luscious ass. It's the culmination of a very long and trying 2010 and it's all going down in a matter of days. I will TRY my very best to blog when I can, but I might have to miss a day or two this week. I know, I know, you're all crying already. Believe me, I'm crying too. I've never in my life missed a BB blog and it's not like I'm looking forward to this or anything. So, they may be short and quick until Saturday, but then I'll make it up to you guys I SWEAR. I've got a big juicy BB11 bombshell as well as a Survivor Nicaragua surprise so stick with me, you won't regret it. If you don't stick with me, I'll hunt you down and give you a wedgie or something.

Alright so Kathy is bitching to Kristen about Britney and they both decide that's it's completely unfair if Andrew gets backdoored this week. I disagree. It's the nature of the game. Besides, I need more Rachel enemies in the house for the time being. Kathy threatens to be on the "warpath" if Andrew leaves. Oh really, Kathy? What will you do? Roll over? Give up one of your blankets or pillows? Shut up you worthless idiot.

This brings me to Kristen. We all know I like her, but I'm having sort of an inner struggle with who she's aligning with and choosing to give tongue too. Krayden, Haysten, whatever awful name you bitches have decided for the infant Showmance #2 will not be tolerated here. If Hayden and Kristen develop into something, you will kindly refer to them as "HelmetShifter". Thank you.

And to all you bitches asking for my leprechaun, he's in Thailand at the moment procuring some "product" *wink wink*. He'll be back in the States either by this weekend or early next week. Patience. I miss the little guy too. I've had no one but my face to take my anger out on. Mr. O will get what he's been missing when he returns. You can count on that.

New readers must be totally confused. Mr. O'Shaugnessy is my leprechaun and he "does things" for me. He's not really a BB fan, but he tolerates it. He drinks a lot, packs my opium pipes, and worships Olivia Newton-John. He likes to give blog readers prizes with his ass on them (although I have no idea why) and he even has his own Twitter account ( http://twitter.com/mr_oshaugnessy). I know, I know, he's so arrogant.

Oh shit.... I'm wathcing BBAD on DVR right now and Rachel just burst into the HOH clutching a bottle of red wine screaming "Who waaaants some Merlot?!?" Ok. That's it. I'm out. I can't right now. I just can't. All I hope is that someone peed in that bottle.

Alright bitches, I'm really sorry for how short this is. Seriously, it's killing me, but this bitch has some asses to kick and life to grab by the balls. In the meantime, please check onlinebigbrother.com to fill in any gaps I missed. So, what do you guys think of Kathy? Do you change the feed when Rachel appears just like I do? Do you still like Kristen? Will you support HelmetShifter if it happens? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Expect The Unexpected - OH SHUT UP!

Back in the olden timey days if a woman repeated herself over and over again, gallavanted in the open air, and muttered nonsensical phrases, I'm quite sure they'd cut out her tongue and send her to a sanitarium of some sort. There she would be free to apply and reapply mascara all day long. She could fingerpaint, maybe make some friends with the terminally comotose (because, seriously, let's face it, those are the only type of people who'd be able to tolerate her), and putter around all day in shoes without strings. I'd like to bring back this long lost tradition of willy nilly locking up women that the powers that be deemed unfit for society. I hereby name myself one of those "powers that be" and my first order of business is to commit Rachel to an indeterminate period of time in a padded cell. Let's recap, shall we?

There's lots to cover so let's jump right into the POV competition and end at our gloriously disturbing denouement that will surely haunt our souls for years to come. The POV competition was one where the HG's had to hang onto something and try to determine when one hour had passed. Whoever was closest to the hour without going over was the winner. As it turns out, our own little Mistress Of The Dark Bitchney ends up winning. She dropped at around 52 minutes with Enzo dropping at 1 Hour and 14 seconds. 14 seconds! That's a phrase we'll be hearing until the end of time. Trust me. 14 seconds! Enzo swears there's no way he waited longer than 8 minutes to drop after Bitchney and some of the HG's, the ones who lost, begin to suspect if maybe Big Brother fudged the numbers and rigged it so Bitchney would win. Who the fuck cares? Bitchney won POV, thank god, and we get at least one more week of her threatening to kill people. I, for one, am thrilled.

I didn't care for Britney earlier and I thought she was catty and judgmental, but, at this point in time, all I want to see in the BB12 house is anything and everything happen that will make Rachel and Bitch Boy's life a living hell. It is my distinct opinion that these two assholes are completely ruining the house, the game, and my sanity. I want them split up and I want it to happen sooner rather than later. Again, I must warn that anyone who wanted Annie out last week might be infected with a dangerous parasite like in The Matrix. Of course, you could also just be an idiot, but I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt here. Please seek medical attention as soon as possible and get that thing distorting your ability to reason and use logic sucked out of your bellybutton ASAP. Ok? Thanks.

With the competition over Monet cries and probably barfs up her lunch while Matt is up in the HOH reprimanding the players for not dropping immediately after Bitchney did. Rachel and Brendon look at each other realizing that maybe they should have put some more thought both into their nominations and how they were going to compete. After a minute of super hard thinking, Bitch Boy shivers and declares, "Monet is going home no matter what." Oh, is she Bitch Boy? Well, last I checked you're were not the HOH. Your flighty giggly excuse for a girlfriend was in charge and assuring all of us that you had no say in her reign.

The conversation turns to what will happen next week during the HOH competition. Ragan is still convinced it'll be Endurance. Rachel declares that there's no way Britney will win it. Both Ragan and Hayden are quick to tell Rachel that small girls always do well in Endurance comps. Apparently, Chelsia even told Matt in his pre-interview that it was good he was so small. Big meaty asshats never win Endurance comps. Rachel is dismayed to hear this news and decides herself that Britney still won't win. Rachel literally thinks she's got this whole game figured out when, in fact, she's ignoring what she needs to focus on and focussing on the minutiae that doesn't even really matter. She even says that if Britney wins next week she'll be fine, because Britney hates Andrew more and he'll be her target. The whole HOH room laughs at Rachel and informs her that no, Britney won't be after Andrew, she'll be after RACHEL for nominating her in the first place. Rachel cocks her head to the side and says, "Really?".

Ragan begins to steer the conversation to who the replacement nominee should be. He says it should be someone who's a pawn, someone they're not necessarily super tight with, and someone they could make a deal with. He's basically telling Brenchel to put up either Matt or Lane. I don't mind Ragan, but I'm getting really sick of him always helping out and being the voice of reason. Later on in the night, he'll just about infuriate me. If I had things my way, I'd get Kathy's ass up on the block. She's useless and lazy. Remember how last year I made a little challenge for myself to always snap a pic of Jordan eating? Well, this year I've decided the challenge will be to capture a photo of Kathy always laying down. I'm thinking I'll be super awesome at it. For example:

I gotta be honest. I'm having a really hard time typing this today. I got 3 hours of sleep and I can hardly keep my eyes open. I'm just going to jump ahead to the crap that went down last night and hopefully get myself a nap before the drama starts up again. My apologies, but that BBAD last night completely traumatized me.

OK so at some point Matt actually offers to go up as the pawn. He thinks it'll throw off people into not knowing that Badda-bing exists. I don't understand the logic. I no longer trust him since he was so convinced Britney was Mr. Salvatore and I could really care less if he goes home any time soon. He does nothing for me.

Well, as soon as Rachel hears that Matt has volunteered himself she immediately assumes he's up to something. She says, "Who the fuck volunteers to go up on the block?" She second guesses herself and, for some reason, decides that putting up Andrew instead is the better idea because at some point in time Andrew may or may not have criticized her. Now, you and I both know that if Andrew goes up on the block, there's a really good chance he's going home which is why I AM LOVING this plan. All I care about at this point is keeping as many people in the house as possible who'll go after Brenchel and break them up. Monet is on that list of people and so, for this week, I'm her biggest cheerleader.

This brings us to BBAD. It started with a lovers quarrel. Bitch Boy accidentally told Andrew he was going on the block when Rachel distinctly told him to keep it a secret. I almost sympathize with Bitch Boy for a millisecond because for the previous hour Rachel had been nagging and whining and complaining about Bitch Boy not being her everything in life. In reality, Bitch Boy just wanted to work out and maybe catch a catnap. All this game stuff is annoying him. He thought games were supposed to be fun. Pretty princess Bitch Boy doesn't like that all Rachel wants to do is talk strategy. Like a snotty teenager he keeps sighing and asking Rachel if they're "done now". It's pretty gross. Both of them are assholes and both of them are wrong. Here's why:

Bitch Boy is in Big Brother. He should suck it up, realize it's not Camp Thunderbird or the Paradise Island Atlantis and develop some sort of game play instead of being all pissy that he can't do his jazzercise. On the other hand, Rachel needs to calm the fuck down, stop obesssing over every little thing, and , for chrissake, stop being such an obnoxious nag. Why Brendon puts up with her shit is beyond me. If any chick ever nagged me like that, I'd grab my keys, call her fat, and march my ass right out the door. Rachel is beyond incessant. She takes incessant to a new level that incessant itself has never even reached before... repeating herself over and over again about things that happened in the past and can't even be fixed now. She's just arguing to argue and it's driving me insane. Rachel is the worst person on the planet and, for this, she must die.

Bitch Boy actually manages to walk out of the room leaving Rachel alone with her big fat phony crocodile tears only to return 5 minutes later with his dick tucked up in his asshole like Buffalo Bill in Silence Of The Lambs. He's on his knees, apologizing, begging forgiveness, and even sniffling along with Rachel. They tell each other they have "forever" and I promptly stuck one of those shish kabob things into my temporal lobe. It doesn't hurt that much. I promise. The image on the screen hurts much more. Trust me. The numbness on the left side of my face is almost a relief at this point.

After they kiss and make up, Rachel starts getting into the red wine and then she starts to talk... and talk... and talk... and talk. She's in the BY surrounded by Kristen, Ragan, and I forget who else. It was a mummified corpse so it's not like it matters. Anyhow, Rachel is very concerned with "expect the unexpected". She's so concerned with it, in fact, that she's making sure she says it a million times. She also reminds her fellow HG's that they're on "re-a-li-ty television." I'm sure they were thankful for the reminder because it's not like the microphones and cameras everywhere were clues or anything.

So she's standing there with her feather boa, red wine dribbling out the corners of her mouth, her goblet clinging and clanging here and there, and she's stumbling around saying, "Like we're on re-a-li-ty tv right now. Expect the unexpected. Do you know how like blessed we are to be here? Like *burp* I never imagined myself here. Expect the unexpected.... do you even know what that means? It's like amazing. It's like reality tv. I mean, we are on television. If we don't expect the unexpected then like why are we here? That's what Big Brother is.... expect the unexpected. Like, we are in the Big Brother house. Oh my god.... expect the *belch* unexpected or else you're going home. They can watch us right now. People out there *pauses and points to the sky* are watching us right now. I don't think they expect the unexpected, but it's a good thing we do or else why are we here? Reality television is sooooo weird. We're like characters yet we're not. We're acting, but we're expecting the unexpected which is soooo much better than not expecting the unexpected. You know what I mean?"

*** Ummm hi, this is Colette Lala's personal assistant typing now. I regret to inform you that Colette has taken it upon herself to insert every shish kabob thing she could find into her head and now she looks like this:

I have to find a way to get her into the car and to the hospital without scratching the leather upholstery. She's mumbling something about bitches, giggles, and being sorry. I think she's saying, "Comment it out bitches and have a great day!"

A Cinderella Story Makes Me Puke

Before I get to today's blog, I need to address something that's infuriating me. Anti-Semitic, racist, and any other hate filled comments you assholes try to post on this blog will NOT be published. Yes, I have sometimes referred to Andrew as "Jewy JewBoy". This is not an invitation for Nazi propoganda. It's actually an homage to Sarah Silverman. Anyone who follows me on Twitter knows I recently read Silverman's autobiography Bedwetter. I'm an admirer of her comedy and the fact that she calls herself "Jewy" makes me laugh. Most of the comedians I'm attracted to push political and social boundaries rather than get caught up in the rigid and clearly unfunny political correctness infecting everyone today. Comedians like Lisa Lampanelli, Chelsea Handler, Jeffrey Ross, etc. not only inspire me and sometimes influence my writing, but they also make me laugh my ass off. I realize some of you might not have beyond an 8th grade education, but that's not my fault. I refuse to accommodate idiots and overly explain myself everytime I make an off color joke. I work blue. Deal with it. If you don't like my style, my honesty, or my profanity then please do not read this blog. I don't want you here and neither do the rest of us with the correct number of chromosomes. Fuck off. Let's recap, shall we?

(I've conveniently put a link to Sarah Silverman's Bedwetter on the right hand side. It gets Lala's stamp of approval.)

Well, let's start with last night's live show. What. The. Hell. Was. That? Annie gets voted out unanimously in favor of an overly giggly idiot with a built in alliance? Oh for Christ's sake, you've gotta be kidding me. And then.... and then... we find out that Annie was Mr. Salvatore! I really don't think last night could have gone any worse. Oh wait, of course it can! You wanna know how? Rachel, with the laugh of a thousand deaths, goes on to win HOH! *stabs self in the jugular with a fireplace poker* Why not just kill my puppy and tell me wine is now illegal? That would be easier to endure than Rachel giggling her way into the HOH.

Annie, I will miss you. I won't miss your turtleneck flip-flops, but I'll miss your conversations with Lane. I'll miss your will to fight. Most importantly, I'll miss your ability not to giggle AT EVERY FUCKING THING YOU SAY. Please come back Annie. I demand a "do over". Holla at your girl!

OK so yeah, Giggles wins HOH and Brendon pees himself with joy. He runs to embrace his concubine and they giggle together as the credits run. *puke* I, on the other hand, sat here contemplating the best way to mutilate my own ear drums while I waited for the Feeds to return. I decided an ice pick was a good choice as it's not only quick and effective, but it's also an homage to Basic Instinct and I make it a point to do at least one thing Catherine Tramell-ish everyday. Yesterday, ice pick. Today, commando.

The Feeds finally return and Giggles and Brendon are on cloud nine. They escape to a bedroom to embrace and suck face while, at home, I sterilized my ice pick and poured a tumbler of gin to numb the pain I was about to feel. Brendon even calls Giggles "my queen". All together now: Ewwwwwwwww. Apparently, Britney was feeling kind of like I was because she was sullen, quiet, and mad at the world. One thing that really got her goat was how Andrew made a big fuss congratulating Giggles when she won HOH. He was happy for her and happiness is like kryptonite to Britney so she was understandably pissed. She goes right up to Andrew and tells him point blank that he shouldn't have been happy for Rachel and that it personally offended her. Andrew runs and tells Matt how psycho Britney is while Britney and Monet sit together convinced they're going on the block.

Staying with Britney... for some reason Badda-bing is now convinced that Britney is Mr. Salvatore. Well, they were also convinced that Annie was the perfect person to evict. Let's just say I don't think I'm going to be taking any financial advice from Badda-bing anytime soon. They fucked up. They fucked up big time. Hayden knows he messed up. You can see it in his face. He'll never admit it though. I'm thinking his helmet is on too tight or something. Anyhow, Badda-bing now doesn't like Britney and their dream nominations would be Britney and Monet - just like the girls predicted.

While Badda-bing and the Evil Twins should probably be teaming up, they're waging wars against each other instead which, as Annie predicted, just serves to make Giggles and Brendon that much stronger. Speaking of Giggles, she's now sauntering around the house like she's some sort of goddess. She's looking into mirrors and giggling. She's touching her boobs and giggling. She's giggling, giggling, and fucking giggling. (kill me now) Eventually, she makes her way outside to sit in the hammock and receive well wishes from the lowly peasants occupying her house. I take one look at her in that hammock and I'm reminded of the Lady Of Shalott. I'm not really sure what the Lady Of Shalott did or why poetry was written about her, but I think it had something to do with evil curses and onions. Yeah, that sounds about right.

How genius is this comparison? I mean, come on! It's so good.

(Giggles in her hammock)

(J P Waterhouse's The Lady Of Shalott)

So proud by my Pre-Raphaelite comparison I dug a little deeper into The Lady Of Shalott. It turns out she saw Lancelot and he saw her and something wonky happen and she floats down a river and dies or something. Thank god... a happy ending! I call The Lady Of Shalott's death a "happy ending" in order to prepare you for the hammock conversation that is about make you hurl your innards. Are you ready? Grab a barf bag. Here we go:

Brendon and Giggles are sititng in the hammock talking about how blessed they are. Giggles turns to Brendon and says they can most definitely get to the final two together. Once they've won BB and America's hearts, they'll go on The Amazing Race just like Jeff and Jordan did. Brendon feigns ignorance and asks, "Oh, were they on The Amazing Race?" Giggles says, "Yeah, but they lost because Jordan isn't a competitor. I'm a competitior. I can win." Giggles turns to a camera and says, "Ya hear that CBS? We should be on The Amazing Race." Awful, isn't it? Wait, it gets better...

BBAD starts and Giggles prepares to get her HOH room. She comes sailing out of the DR all sing songy and asking, "Who wants to see my HOH roooooom?" Everyone kind of lays there and begrudgingly gets up. Rachel literally giggles for the next hour straight. This is not an exaggeration. This is not for comedic effect. This is bone hard fact. She. Just. Won't. Stop. Giggling.

The HG's gather outisde the HOH room and Rachel giggles her way into opening the door. She giggles over her photos. She giggles over her gifts. She giggles through a complaint that she didn't get her stuffed rottweiler. Then, she screeches, "I got tequila!" Since when has BB ever given the HG's hard liquor? It's a small bottle of Patron I think, but it's a bottle nonetheless. Then, it happens. We hear Rachel's letter from home. I'm thinking Rachel wrote it before she left and merely had her mom sign her name to it. It went something like this:

Dear Giggles,

Wow! My fantastic wonderful amazing Rachel, you're the most perfect person on the planet. I'm so blessed to have endured months of ankle swelling and inexplicable pain to give birth to you. If only all other mothers were half as lucky.

I'm not surprised at all that you won HOH. You win at everything in life. You're so brave to move to Vegas. It takes skill, perseverance, and raw talent to be a cocktail waitress. You are a bright beacon of light in that desert wasteland of sin and debauchery. Wouldn't it be amazing if you got your own tv show? You'd be such an inspiration to crackwhores and small breasted girls everywhere. My dying wish is that you become famous and make your poor sick mother proud. Of course, I'm not dying or anything, but if I were, that would be my wish.

Have I mentioned yet that you're beautiful and perfect? We love you with all our might and we love you love you love you love you. Do you remember that time when we selflessly helped that hillbilly homeless family on the block? We're so nice to have done that. It's memories like that that I cherish. You're so selfless and giving - especially when you give your vagina to strangers. Your courage, sense of humor, and vivaciousness to take a Chemistry job and then quit it is unparalleled. Your brain power alone continues to astound me daily.

Continue to enjoy your journey and never hesitate to take a big bite out of whatever ass comes your way. Always remember your roots (psssst I enclosed some hair dye). Always remember who you are and that you were wanted because, well, it was too late to abort you in the third trimester. You'll always be a winner to me.

Love,

Mom

(Portions of this letter have been embellished. Scarier still, portions are word for word what her mother really wrote.)

It was not long after I heard this letter that I shot myself in the face. My eyeball is hanging on by some sort of stringy membrane. I'm bleeding all over my tank top and pieces of brain are coating my keyboard.

I have to end this post here, because I just can't take it anymore. Let me first say that I was right. Annie should have stayed. Even Monet and Britney agree with me now. Their decision has gone horribly wrong and now we're all forced to a week of laughing, guffawing, giggling, snorting, and french kissing.

I think I might cry.

So, what did you bitches think about last night? Are you happy Annie left? Will Rachel and Brendon weasle their way onto TAR18? Can an eyeball be superglued back into it's socket? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!