I Want To Shove His Yarmulke In The Trash!

There are many many ways to die. You could fall off a jagged cliff, get an appendage stuck in the motor of a speedboat, acquire a festering and fatal sexual disease from Ass Licker, trip and fall while trying to leap onto a moving train while going through your "hobo stage", or maybe you test out an array of products from work and slip on some bath beads only to electrocute yourself in the bathtub with a hair dryer (Name the movie I just referenced in the comments and you're a big weiner!). I wonder though, if there's such a thing as "Death By Giggling". I'm thinking it's a slow and very very painful death. First, you'd start to twitch and maybe feel a slight tingling in your ears. You'd do that "water in the ear" hopping thing in an effort to make the discomfort stop. Then the pain creeps it's way up your brain stem, your neck gets tight, it's difficult to turn from side to side, you're still hopping up and down only now you're addicted to morphine and you've begun talking to yourself. Your friends stop calling, you start to lick the walls, the imaginary ferret living under your couch starts giving you attitude... Weeks go by and all you hear is the giggling - that godforesaken neverending giggling. It'll never stop. It'll never end. You curl up into a ball on your living room floor, you try to send out 911 tweets, but you're too frail from not eating for weeks, and then... you die. Your brain explodes, the imaginary ferret licks up the remnants, and no one finds your body until well after BB12 is all said and done. It's sad really. I'm thinking about doing a walk around the block to raise money for this newly invented "Death By Giggling" disease. Something must be done to combat this illness. We could even all wear ribbons or some shit like that. *sigh* Let's recap, shall we?

We started our day with a pissed off gargoyle from the bowels of hell. Her human name is "Britney", but let's just go ahead and call her Bitchney. Bitchney has a bad feeling in her gut. Something inside tells her all that gossiping and tearing apart every piece of Giggles' appearance might just come back to haunt her in the form of a Nomination. She scurries up to the HOH to do some major damage control. Bitchney swears on the fiery embers in her soul that Giggles and her Bitch Boy aren't her targets at all if she ever becomes HOH. Yeah right. For some reason Bitchney has a major problem with Andrew and she wants to shove his yarmulke in the trash and do something to it with a sausage. She's creative. I'll give her that. He probably smiled or something and that ticked her off. Who knows? Anyhow, Bitchney gulps back her urge to spew fire and instead tells Giggles that she's positive and fuzzy and that those traits will take her far in this game. Giggles giggles *piercing pain in my brain* and says she'll never play Big Brother dirty. Bitch please. If killing innocent home viewers isn't "dirty" then I don't know what is. The conversation ends and nothing was really accomplished except for Giggles putting on her first layer of mascara for the day. Seriously, all day she'll be doing her make-up.

Downstairs Enzo and Bitch Boy (Brendon) are on a mission. They're out to find those beeping things Mr. Salvatore left around the house. They manage to find three total and then they proceed to play with them sending beep after beep deep inside my skull. The beeps coupled with the giggles will surely kill me. I just know it. Oh, how I suffer!

In another room Monet is talking to Kathy about how she's worried about being nominated. Monet says that if it happens, she'll have to get up quietly from the table and walk away or else bitch will get all gangsta on everyone and bust a cap in their asses. I gotta be honest, at this point I'm kind of hoping she goes through with it. BB will be forced to bring back Annie, the giggling will be forever put to rest, and I'll live to see 2011. Sounds good to me! While Monet continues to ponder going postal, Kathy remains lying down. From here on out, let's just assume that Kathy's always lying down. It'll save me precious time if I only have to report when she actually stands up and moves around.

Back up in the HOH, Giggles is holding court and receiving the HG's one by one. She'll listen to what they have to say, but let's get real here... Bitch has had her noms planned since the day she walked into the house. She's meeting with Hayden and making it a point to say over and over again that Bitch Boy isn't influencing her decisions at all this week. Giggles has thunk up these nominations all by herself and isn't Bitch Boy just so amazing? He's the most amazing person Giggles has ever met. His hair is amazing, that science thing he does is amazing, his heart is amazing, his farts are amazing... amazing, amazing, amazing! It was at this point that I invented a drinking game on Twitter. I told all my bitches to do a shot everytime Giggles said the word "amazing". I'm sorry to report that there are a lot of dead bitches out there today. Alcohol poisoning. So sad.

OK so back to Helmet and Giggles... Giggles wants to know from Helmet who is coming after her and Mr. Amazing. You know, what, if anything, has Helmet heard down in the trenches? Helmet shrugs his shoulders, shakes his shaggy head, and says that Annie wants Giggles and Bitch Boy out. Ummm, that's great and all Helmet, but Annie has already left the building. Let's get with the program buddy. Giggles giggles, cocks her head to the side, and proceeds to go on the most annoying rant I think I've ever heard. She's just repeating herself really: "hee hee hee, Bitch Boy is amazing, who wants to split us up?, I'm so blessed, this game is hard..." *begins to sterilize melon baller*

Next up is Ragan. Ragan sails into the HOH and immediately announces that he's never had an erection in the BB house. Why, thank you Ragan. I can now cross that off of my list of things that keep me up at night. The conversation quickly turns to Annie and how rude she was when she left the house. She only said goodbye to certain people yadda yadda yadda and this is when Bitch Boy enters. Again, the convo focuses on who wants to split up Brenchel. *sigh* It's all Brenchel, all the time. Don't the HG's see how monumentally stupid it was not to split them up when they had the chance? Anyhow, Ragan tells them that they should probably focus on what's going to happen in Week 3 when chances are one of them won't be HOH. Ragan says he'll bet a thousand dollars that the next HOH comp is Endurance and this is where they begin to worry about Monet. She's a fierce competitor and rumor has it she's got a nine strapped inside her panties.

Then, Matt pokes his head in the HOH. He's got big news to share with everyone and he's busting at the seams. He's a genius you know and guess what? He's figured out who Mr. Salvatore is! He's done amazing and fascinating things with formulas and equations. He's been locked down in his lab pouring strange and exotic liquids into beakers and he's finally solved the big mystery that's been plaguing the house. Get ready for it... Matt wipes the sweat off his brow, adjusts his stained lab coat, and announces, "Bitchney is the Saboteur! I'm 100% positive!" Are you now? Giggles continues to put on her make-up. Bitch Boy checks his hair in the mirror and says, "Well, even if she's not the Saboteur, she'a a bitch." Ouchie Bitch Boy. Ouchie.

This brings us to the Have/Have-Not competition. It must have been a doozy because Feeds were down for HOURS. I had time to set up my altar, bless some candles, call the four corners, and creatively visualize Bitch Boy being a Have-Not. (Yes, I take all my religious cues from movies like The Craft and Practical Magic) I chanted, I danced naked (hot!), I jingled bells, I burned sage, and I might have even sacrificed a goat. That's for me to know and you to find out. I don't want PETA on my ass or anything. So anyhow, I was spiritually and physically spent when the Feeds returned. My eyes flitted back and forth across the screen for clues... any clues as to who's a Have and who's a Have-Not. And then it hit me... the giggling had stopped. That can only mean one thing: BITCH BOY IS A HAVE-NOT!!! Yes! I'm so magical. Next time I'm doing a spell to remove Rachel's vocal chords. Oh, also... Enzo, Monet, and Bitchney are Have-Not's as well.

As quickly as the Feeds came back, they disappeared again. This time it was because Big Brother was revealing that Annie is Mr. Salvatore. The Feeds return and it's chaos. Everyone is claiming they knew it all along. They're thrilled they've outwitted Big Brother and they're absolutely convinced that the feedsters are overcome with joy that the twist is now no more. Ragan, especially, assumes that we're all in awe of how smart they are. Actually, assholes, I think it sucks you fucked things up. I was looking forward to watching Mr. Salvatore mess with you. And don't go fooling yourselves. You didn't get Annie out because you thought she was Mr. Salvatore. You got her out because you mistakenly thought she had secret alliances with everyone. The funniest part of the Mr. Salvatore aftermath had to be Matt, the Mad Scientist himself, declaring, "We are a fucking awesome cast!" Ummmm no you're not. You sleep too much, you make crap decisions, and I'd like to see 3/4's of you come down with a severe case of scabies. Now, shut the hell up.

Giggles climbs back up into her Ivory Tower and holds more meetings that really aren't worth it to recap. It's the same conversation over and over again. All she cares about is Bitch Boy. She wants to get rid of the people who want to split up their love and make deals with the people who'll help throw her a bridal shower. Giggles is scared to death that someone will nominate Bitch Boy somewhere down the road. I so don't get this. Better him than you bitch! From what I can tell he hasn't pleasured you, he's not getting you off all hours of the day, and he's kind of a pussy just wanting to cuddle all the time. Why the hell are you sacrificing your game for this douchebag? God, you're an idiot.

Feeds go down again and we discover what we knew all along: Monet and Bitchney are nominated. Better yet, they're both crying. Monet says Rachel is playing personal and she almost went off on her after the noms. Apparently, Giggles brought up the $10,000 Monet won and that pissed off Monet just a tad. Unfortunately for us, she got up quietly from the table and kept her gat hidden in her underthings. The Plastics continue to cry and they vow not to campaign against each other. Bitchney sniffles to herself and in the funniest line of the day says, "I was nice to Rachel!" LOL Sure you were. Calling her boobs lopsided and saying she needs a dye job is right up there with sainthood.

Enzo enters the crying room to see what's going down and it hits me. Enzo has pretty much run every HOH since he's entered the house. It was his idea to put up Brendon and Rachel. It was his idea to evict Annie and 2 nights ago he planted the seed with Giggles about getting out Monet and Bitchney. The best part is, no one even knows he's doing all of this! He's a pretty loud guy. It's not like he's subtly sending messages to people. It's amazing no one's picked up on it yet. I have to respect him for it. I want to kill him for the way he eats, but I'll go ahead and respect him for being somewhat of a puppet master.

Alright well this is getting long and I've got shit to do and diseases to fight. Basically, the rest of the night was Monet and Bitchney crying. Giggles swears that Bitchney isn't her real target and Monet lies and tells herself she'll be happy to go home. Somehow Bitchney blames Kristen for her nominations and she's not shy in telling us over and over again just how much she hates her. How can she blame Kristen?! She was a fringed pillow for most of the day!

So bitches, do you think Enzo is the master of the house? Are you delighted that Bitch Boy is a Have-Not? What color ribbons should we wear to combat "Death By Giggling"? Should Mensa revoke Matt's membership? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

A Cinderella Story Makes Me Puke

Before I get to today's blog, I need to address something that's infuriating me. Anti-Semitic, racist, and any other hate filled comments you assholes try to post on this blog will NOT be published. Yes, I have sometimes referred to Andrew as "Jewy JewBoy". This is not an invitation for Nazi propoganda. It's actually an homage to Sarah Silverman. Anyone who follows me on Twitter knows I recently read Silverman's autobiography Bedwetter. I'm an admirer of her comedy and the fact that she calls herself "Jewy" makes me laugh. Most of the comedians I'm attracted to push political and social boundaries rather than get caught up in the rigid and clearly unfunny political correctness infecting everyone today. Comedians like Lisa Lampanelli, Chelsea Handler, Jeffrey Ross, etc. not only inspire me and sometimes influence my writing, but they also make me laugh my ass off. I realize some of you might not have beyond an 8th grade education, but that's not my fault. I refuse to accommodate idiots and overly explain myself everytime I make an off color joke. I work blue. Deal with it. If you don't like my style, my honesty, or my profanity then please do not read this blog. I don't want you here and neither do the rest of us with the correct number of chromosomes. Fuck off. Let's recap, shall we?

(I've conveniently put a link to Sarah Silverman's Bedwetter on the right hand side. It gets Lala's stamp of approval.)

Well, let's start with last night's live show. What. The. Hell. Was. That? Annie gets voted out unanimously in favor of an overly giggly idiot with a built in alliance? Oh for Christ's sake, you've gotta be kidding me. And then.... and then... we find out that Annie was Mr. Salvatore! I really don't think last night could have gone any worse. Oh wait, of course it can! You wanna know how? Rachel, with the laugh of a thousand deaths, goes on to win HOH! *stabs self in the jugular with a fireplace poker* Why not just kill my puppy and tell me wine is now illegal? That would be easier to endure than Rachel giggling her way into the HOH.

Annie, I will miss you. I won't miss your turtleneck flip-flops, but I'll miss your conversations with Lane. I'll miss your will to fight. Most importantly, I'll miss your ability not to giggle AT EVERY FUCKING THING YOU SAY. Please come back Annie. I demand a "do over". Holla at your girl!

OK so yeah, Giggles wins HOH and Brendon pees himself with joy. He runs to embrace his concubine and they giggle together as the credits run. *puke* I, on the other hand, sat here contemplating the best way to mutilate my own ear drums while I waited for the Feeds to return. I decided an ice pick was a good choice as it's not only quick and effective, but it's also an homage to Basic Instinct and I make it a point to do at least one thing Catherine Tramell-ish everyday. Yesterday, ice pick. Today, commando.

The Feeds finally return and Giggles and Brendon are on cloud nine. They escape to a bedroom to embrace and suck face while, at home, I sterilized my ice pick and poured a tumbler of gin to numb the pain I was about to feel. Brendon even calls Giggles "my queen". All together now: Ewwwwwwwww. Apparently, Britney was feeling kind of like I was because she was sullen, quiet, and mad at the world. One thing that really got her goat was how Andrew made a big fuss congratulating Giggles when she won HOH. He was happy for her and happiness is like kryptonite to Britney so she was understandably pissed. She goes right up to Andrew and tells him point blank that he shouldn't have been happy for Rachel and that it personally offended her. Andrew runs and tells Matt how psycho Britney is while Britney and Monet sit together convinced they're going on the block.

Staying with Britney... for some reason Badda-bing is now convinced that Britney is Mr. Salvatore. Well, they were also convinced that Annie was the perfect person to evict. Let's just say I don't think I'm going to be taking any financial advice from Badda-bing anytime soon. They fucked up. They fucked up big time. Hayden knows he messed up. You can see it in his face. He'll never admit it though. I'm thinking his helmet is on too tight or something. Anyhow, Badda-bing now doesn't like Britney and their dream nominations would be Britney and Monet - just like the girls predicted.

While Badda-bing and the Evil Twins should probably be teaming up, they're waging wars against each other instead which, as Annie predicted, just serves to make Giggles and Brendon that much stronger. Speaking of Giggles, she's now sauntering around the house like she's some sort of goddess. She's looking into mirrors and giggling. She's touching her boobs and giggling. She's giggling, giggling, and fucking giggling. (kill me now) Eventually, she makes her way outside to sit in the hammock and receive well wishes from the lowly peasants occupying her house. I take one look at her in that hammock and I'm reminded of the Lady Of Shalott. I'm not really sure what the Lady Of Shalott did or why poetry was written about her, but I think it had something to do with evil curses and onions. Yeah, that sounds about right.

How genius is this comparison? I mean, come on! It's so good.

(Giggles in her hammock)

(J P Waterhouse's The Lady Of Shalott)

So proud by my Pre-Raphaelite comparison I dug a little deeper into The Lady Of Shalott. It turns out she saw Lancelot and he saw her and something wonky happen and she floats down a river and dies or something. Thank god... a happy ending! I call The Lady Of Shalott's death a "happy ending" in order to prepare you for the hammock conversation that is about make you hurl your innards. Are you ready? Grab a barf bag. Here we go:

Brendon and Giggles are sititng in the hammock talking about how blessed they are. Giggles turns to Brendon and says they can most definitely get to the final two together. Once they've won BB and America's hearts, they'll go on The Amazing Race just like Jeff and Jordan did. Brendon feigns ignorance and asks, "Oh, were they on The Amazing Race?" Giggles says, "Yeah, but they lost because Jordan isn't a competitor. I'm a competitior. I can win." Giggles turns to a camera and says, "Ya hear that CBS? We should be on The Amazing Race." Awful, isn't it? Wait, it gets better...

BBAD starts and Giggles prepares to get her HOH room. She comes sailing out of the DR all sing songy and asking, "Who wants to see my HOH roooooom?" Everyone kind of lays there and begrudgingly gets up. Rachel literally giggles for the next hour straight. This is not an exaggeration. This is not for comedic effect. This is bone hard fact. She. Just. Won't. Stop. Giggling.

The HG's gather outisde the HOH room and Rachel giggles her way into opening the door. She giggles over her photos. She giggles over her gifts. She giggles through a complaint that she didn't get her stuffed rottweiler. Then, she screeches, "I got tequila!" Since when has BB ever given the HG's hard liquor? It's a small bottle of Patron I think, but it's a bottle nonetheless. Then, it happens. We hear Rachel's letter from home. I'm thinking Rachel wrote it before she left and merely had her mom sign her name to it. It went something like this:

Dear Giggles,

Wow! My fantastic wonderful amazing Rachel, you're the most perfect person on the planet. I'm so blessed to have endured months of ankle swelling and inexplicable pain to give birth to you. If only all other mothers were half as lucky.

I'm not surprised at all that you won HOH. You win at everything in life. You're so brave to move to Vegas. It takes skill, perseverance, and raw talent to be a cocktail waitress. You are a bright beacon of light in that desert wasteland of sin and debauchery. Wouldn't it be amazing if you got your own tv show? You'd be such an inspiration to crackwhores and small breasted girls everywhere. My dying wish is that you become famous and make your poor sick mother proud. Of course, I'm not dying or anything, but if I were, that would be my wish.

Have I mentioned yet that you're beautiful and perfect? We love you with all our might and we love you love you love you love you. Do you remember that time when we selflessly helped that hillbilly homeless family on the block? We're so nice to have done that. It's memories like that that I cherish. You're so selfless and giving - especially when you give your vagina to strangers. Your courage, sense of humor, and vivaciousness to take a Chemistry job and then quit it is unparalleled. Your brain power alone continues to astound me daily.

Continue to enjoy your journey and never hesitate to take a big bite out of whatever ass comes your way. Always remember your roots (psssst I enclosed some hair dye). Always remember who you are and that you were wanted because, well, it was too late to abort you in the third trimester. You'll always be a winner to me.

Love,

Mom

(Portions of this letter have been embellished. Scarier still, portions are word for word what her mother really wrote.)

It was not long after I heard this letter that I shot myself in the face. My eyeball is hanging on by some sort of stringy membrane. I'm bleeding all over my tank top and pieces of brain are coating my keyboard.

I have to end this post here, because I just can't take it anymore. Let me first say that I was right. Annie should have stayed. Even Monet and Britney agree with me now. Their decision has gone horribly wrong and now we're all forced to a week of laughing, guffawing, giggling, snorting, and french kissing.

I think I might cry.

So, what did you bitches think about last night? Are you happy Annie left? Will Rachel and Brendon weasle their way onto TAR18? Can an eyeball be superglued back into it's socket? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!