Friday, July 16, 2010

A Cinderella Story Makes Me Puke

Before I get to today's blog, I need to address something that's infuriating me. Anti-Semitic, racist, and any other hate filled comments you assholes try to post on this blog will NOT be published. Yes, I have sometimes referred to Andrew as "Jewy JewBoy". This is not an invitation for Nazi propoganda. It's actually an homage to Sarah Silverman. Anyone who follows me on Twitter knows I recently read Silverman's autobiography Bedwetter. I'm an admirer of her comedy and the fact that she calls herself "Jewy" makes me laugh. Most of the comedians I'm attracted to push political and social boundaries rather than get caught up in the rigid and clearly unfunny political correctness infecting everyone today. Comedians like Lisa Lampanelli, Chelsea Handler, Jeffrey Ross, etc. not only inspire me and sometimes influence my writing, but they also make me laugh my ass off. I realize some of you might not have beyond an 8th grade education, but that's not my fault. I refuse to accommodate idiots and overly explain myself everytime I make an off color joke. I work blue. Deal with it. If you don't like my style, my honesty, or my profanity then please do not read this blog. I don't want you here and neither do the rest of us with the correct number of chromosomes. Fuck off. Let's recap, shall we?

(I've conveniently put a link to Sarah Silverman's Bedwetter on the right hand side. It gets Lala's stamp of approval.)

Well, let's start with last night's live show. What. The. Hell. Was. That? Annie gets voted out unanimously in favor of an overly giggly idiot with a built in alliance? Oh for Christ's sake, you've gotta be kidding me. And then.... and then... we find out that Annie was Mr. Salvatore! I really don't think last night could have gone any worse. Oh wait, of course it can! You wanna know how? Rachel, with the laugh of a thousand deaths, goes on to win HOH! *stabs self in the jugular with a fireplace poker* Why not just kill my puppy and tell me wine is now illegal? That would be easier to endure than Rachel giggling her way into the HOH.

Annie, I will miss you. I won't miss your turtleneck flip-flops, but I'll miss your conversations with Lane. I'll miss your will to fight. Most importantly, I'll miss your ability not to giggle AT EVERY FUCKING THING YOU SAY. Please come back Annie. I demand a "do over". Holla at your girl!

OK so yeah, Giggles wins HOH and Brendon pees himself with joy. He runs to embrace his concubine and they giggle together as the credits run. *puke* I, on the other hand, sat here contemplating the best way to mutilate my own ear drums while I waited for the Feeds to return. I decided an ice pick was a good choice as it's not only quick and effective, but it's also an homage to Basic Instinct and I make it a point to do at least one thing Catherine Tramell-ish everyday. Yesterday, ice pick. Today, commando.

The Feeds finally return and Giggles and Brendon are on cloud nine. They escape to a bedroom to embrace and suck face while, at home, I sterilized my ice pick and poured a tumbler of gin to numb the pain I was about to feel. Brendon even calls Giggles "my queen". All together now: Ewwwwwwwww. Apparently, Britney was feeling kind of like I was because she was sullen, quiet, and mad at the world. One thing that really got her goat was how Andrew made a big fuss congratulating Giggles when she won HOH. He was happy for her and happiness is like kryptonite to Britney so she was understandably pissed. She goes right up to Andrew and tells him point blank that he shouldn't have been happy for Rachel and that it personally offended her. Andrew runs and tells Matt how psycho Britney is while Britney and Monet sit together convinced they're going on the block.

Staying with Britney... for some reason Badda-bing is now convinced that Britney is Mr. Salvatore. Well, they were also convinced that Annie was the perfect person to evict. Let's just say I don't think I'm going to be taking any financial advice from Badda-bing anytime soon. They fucked up. They fucked up big time. Hayden knows he messed up. You can see it in his face. He'll never admit it though. I'm thinking his helmet is on too tight or something. Anyhow, Badda-bing now doesn't like Britney and their dream nominations would be Britney and Monet - just like the girls predicted.

While Badda-bing and the Evil Twins should probably be teaming up, they're waging wars against each other instead which, as Annie predicted, just serves to make Giggles and Brendon that much stronger. Speaking of Giggles, she's now sauntering around the house like she's some sort of goddess. She's looking into mirrors and giggling. She's touching her boobs and giggling. She's giggling, giggling, and fucking giggling. (kill me now) Eventually, she makes her way outside to sit in the hammock and receive well wishes from the lowly peasants occupying her house. I take one look at her in that hammock and I'm reminded of the Lady Of Shalott. I'm not really sure what the Lady Of Shalott did or why poetry was written about her, but I think it had something to do with evil curses and onions. Yeah, that sounds about right.

How genius is this comparison? I mean, come on! It's so good.

(Giggles in her hammock)

(J P Waterhouse's The Lady Of Shalott)

So proud by my Pre-Raphaelite comparison I dug a little deeper into The Lady Of Shalott. It turns out she saw Lancelot and he saw her and something wonky happen and she floats down a river and dies or something. Thank god... a happy ending! I call The Lady Of Shalott's death a "happy ending" in order to prepare you for the hammock conversation that is about make you hurl your innards. Are you ready? Grab a barf bag. Here we go:

Brendon and Giggles are sititng in the hammock talking about how blessed they are. Giggles turns to Brendon and says they can most definitely get to the final two together. Once they've won BB and America's hearts, they'll go on The Amazing Race just like Jeff and Jordan did. Brendon feigns ignorance and asks, "Oh, were they on The Amazing Race?" Giggles says, "Yeah, but they lost because Jordan isn't a competitor. I'm a competitior. I can win." Giggles turns to a camera and says, "Ya hear that CBS? We should be on The Amazing Race." Awful, isn't it? Wait, it gets better...

BBAD starts and Giggles prepares to get her HOH room. She comes sailing out of the DR all sing songy and asking, "Who wants to see my HOH roooooom?" Everyone kind of lays there and begrudgingly gets up. Rachel literally giggles for the next hour straight. This is not an exaggeration. This is not for comedic effect. This is bone hard fact. She. Just. Won't. Stop. Giggling.

The HG's gather outisde the HOH room and Rachel giggles her way into opening the door. She giggles over her photos. She giggles over her gifts. She giggles through a complaint that she didn't get her stuffed rottweiler. Then, she screeches, "I got tequila!" Since when has BB ever given the HG's hard liquor? It's a small bottle of Patron I think, but it's a bottle nonetheless. Then, it happens. We hear Rachel's letter from home. I'm thinking Rachel wrote it before she left and merely had her mom sign her name to it. It went something like this:

Dear Giggles,

Wow! My fantastic wonderful amazing Rachel, you're the most perfect person on the planet. I'm so blessed to have endured months of ankle swelling and inexplicable pain to give birth to you. If only all other mothers were half as lucky.

I'm not surprised at all that you won HOH. You win at everything in life. You're so brave to move to Vegas. It takes skill, perseverance, and raw talent to be a cocktail waitress. You are a bright beacon of light in that desert wasteland of sin and debauchery. Wouldn't it be amazing if you got your own tv show? You'd be such an inspiration to crackwhores and small breasted girls everywhere. My dying wish is that you become famous and make your poor sick mother proud. Of course, I'm not dying or anything, but if I were, that would be my wish.

Have I mentioned yet that you're beautiful and perfect? We love you with all our might and we love you love you love you love you. Do you remember that time when we selflessly helped that hillbilly homeless family on the block? We're so nice to have done that. It's memories like that that I cherish. You're so selfless and giving - especially when you give your vagina to strangers. Your courage, sense of humor, and vivaciousness to take a Chemistry job and then quit it is unparalleled. Your brain power alone continues to astound me daily.

Continue to enjoy your journey and never hesitate to take a big bite out of whatever ass comes your way. Always remember your roots (psssst I enclosed some hair dye). Always remember who you are and that you were wanted because, well, it was too late to abort you in the third trimester. You'll always be a winner to me.



(Portions of this letter have been embellished. Scarier still, portions are word for word what her mother really wrote.)

It was not long after I heard this letter that I shot myself in the face. My eyeball is hanging on by some sort of stringy membrane. I'm bleeding all over my tank top and pieces of brain are coating my keyboard.

I have to end this post here, because I just can't take it anymore. Let me first say that I was right. Annie should have stayed. Even Monet and Britney agree with me now. Their decision has gone horribly wrong and now we're all forced to a week of laughing, guffawing, giggling, snorting, and french kissing.

I think I might cry.

So, what did you bitches think about last night? Are you happy Annie left? Will Rachel and Brendon weasle their way onto TAR18? Can an eyeball be superglued back into it's socket? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


  1. I just want to start off by saying that I love Chelsea Handler. Now I have heard rumors that Annie is in sequester, and with one of the houseguests backing out before the show even started I think Mr. Salvetore will be back, which will be Brenchel's worst nightmare and some serious drama! Hopefully this comes sooner than later! When the HOH Comp was in between Brit, Rachel and Monet. I'm not going to lie I was all for Rachel because I did not want Britney to be on her high horse and I know that even though Monet doesn't trust Britney she would never put her on the block. I was hoping for Lane or Kristen but oh well, maybe next week. Fingers crossed that Brit will be enjoying a week of catfish and candy corn!

  2. Love your posts! Hope your eye is ok.
    I am right there with you. Rachel's giggle is horrendous and I am glad that they are editing her correctly. Brendon, on the other hand is a douche on the feeds but his edit makes him look like a sweet angel. Britney, although a rabid demonic Barbie, is my favorite in the DR and I hope she stays around awhile. If the sab lied about escaping the block, do you think the other message on the pair is a lie? If not I really think it might be Ragan and Matt (they looked really comfy on the hammock last night). So lucky to have your recap daily!

  3. Not as big of a fan of Annie as other people but I absolutely am sick of Rachel and her "showmance" with that Alien Brendon. I'm starting to see a lot of Rachel/Brendon supporters UGH throw up in my mouth!
    Today "I hate you CBS"

  4. Can't. Stop. Laughing! This may be you're best recap so far!

  5. Who needs to watch the show-your take is soooooo much better-like reading the book, skip the movie! There is no humor on the show and I find myself LMAO at your bits! Thank God you are here to save the show. :D (Have you read Chelsea Handler's books-I laughed so hard I cried-kinda like reading your posts) Cant wait for the next one!!!

  6. Loved the blog Colette, I was laughing hysterically as usual. I am glad that Annie is gone. I don't think I could have handled her smug, self-appreciating attitude much longer. I'm interested to find out though why she is in Sequester and also, how they are going to handle the SAB thing. With that said, I must point out that Badda-Bing was the FIRST HG to point out Annie as the SAB which is why he and Matt went to Hayden about putting her up.
    OH God, a whole week with Brenchel as HOH. By Tuesday (if not sooner) I will be needing to borrow your fireplace poker, Colette.

  7. Just can't do the Rachel and Brenden thing.....she is just too stupid. I was a huge fan of Jeff and Jordon and I don't quite understand how Rachel compare's her "showmance" with Jeff and Jordon's. If Rachel isn't kicked out soon, I am really hoping Brendon wakes up and sees the Rachel we all do. Annie needed to go, but I was hoping the HG's would wake up and vote Rachel out-but they're stupid and really deserve Rachel winning HOH-I'm with you though! By the end of the week I'll probably have slit my wrists. CBS better play this smart and not give this "showmance" too much air time.

  8. No to the superglue, snip off the eye and be a pirate, ARRRR!

    OH, HELL NO to TAR18, just freaking kill me now. And, just to tweak your nipples, did you see the promo for Jeff's new show?

    Best speech in BB history goes to Annie. The rest of the morons in the house got what was coming to them. They should have listened. That speech would have swayed me, it was an intelligent argument. (But I would have been voting for the redhead anyway.)

    And what's up with not one person throwing a vote Annie's way just to screw with everyone? I would totally vote opposite of everyone else for that reason alone. Paranoia, anyone? You can break alliances that way. Morons, CBS casts morons.

    Yes, some have degrees in Physics, or Chemistry and we even have a bonafide genius in the house and yet, I haven't seen any evidence of anything other than morons.

    I hope that changes soon. And I hope they let Annie keep messing with them. It would have been sweet if she could mess with them all, kept her identity safe and still get 50 grand, even if she got kicked out. Now, THAT would be great TV.

  9. AWESOME blog! Too funny! We are CRUSHED that it is Annie, NOT Giggles/Jiggles that was put out of the house. Oh my, oh my. What a week we are in for... M&L

  10. I hate that Annie is gone... but I think she will be back. I loathe Brenchel and I really might have to stop watching BBAD and stick to the regualr episodes 3 times a week. That's all I can handle. Anyhoo... I will admit... in the HoH comp... when it was down to Brit, Monet, and Rachel... I was hoping Rachel would win. We all know that if Brit & Monet would have won... Brenchel would be right back on the block... been there. They didn't have a meltdown. Annie did. So I would like to see someone new on the block. Brit and Monet will go up... probably. And I cannot wait to see THAT meltdown. And the backstabbing will be glorious. I also can't wait to see them on slop.

  11. I think the whole neighborhood heard me scream when Rachel won HOH last night. She was happy she got "Goldfishes" & "Ex-presso" - what a fucking idiot. And I hope BB plans out handing bottles of booze to every HOH from here on out - or were they just hoping that they'd get drunk and have some HOH porn going on? Watching Brendon try to stomach those shots of Patron was wonderful. I kept praying for him to projectile vomit on Rachel's Bozo the Clown wig. And then they crawled under the covers and started talking about their future together and how much her parents were going to love him...ewww! Brendon couldn't run away from her fast enough and get downstairs. And am I the only one that thinks Rachel was trying to act way more wasted than she really was? She reminded me of a 14 year old girl that was getting drunk for the first time and being more obnoxious than ever. This is going to be a long, long week.

  12. I love your blogs.It would be fantastic if they brought Annie back in the future. Rachel and her showmance is nauseating. Watching them make out with all the slurpping is just creepy. BB is setting her up, no one has ever gotten hard liquor and whipped cream before for in their HOH basket. Should make for interesting feeds this week! Keep the blogs coming love it!

  13. laughing my ass work! I keep getting looks...I am so sick of giggles and was hoping that Annies words before the vote would have sunk in to some of their brains but noooooooooooo...Love your recap!!

  14. Love, love, love your recaps. Makes the pain of watching BB12 all worthwhile.

    Am I the only one who thinks Brendon is totally faking his interest in Giggles ... and perhaps in any female???

    Hey, why not put that hanging ocular orb on a slinky-type coiled wire? Pretty cool, huh?

  15. To those asking about Chelsea Handler: I love her. Haven't had a chance to see her live yet, but I've read all her books and I even just finished Heather McDonald's You'll Never Blue Ball In This Town Again. She's one of Chelsea's writers who often appears on the show. I'll put a link to it here on the blog.

  16. Girl, you need a book deal or something. You're hilarious!

    Can we talk about Brendon for a hot sec? Ummm wtf was up with him whining when Rachel wasn't understanding about him feeling bad for Annie. Dumbass, please. Rachel may have the most annoying laugh OF ALL TIME but I'm with chick on this one. How are you gonna come at her with this whining about Annie when SHE'S also on the block? And then the douche had the nerve to ACTUALLY say "it's about me." Really? What an asshole.

    I'm just surprised they didn't do it last night. I totally thought they'd do it.

  17. "Rachel, with the laugh of a thousand deaths" -- LMAO

    I heard the same Annie's in seclusion rumor re: possible return. Guess BB can't live without their saboteur. After all, she did such a great job. She lasted 1 whole week!

    Ok, who believes Annie when she told Julie Brendan made a move on her before Rachel.
    Raise your hand.

    While I would love to see Britney & Monet go, seems to me the ladies are being evicted 1 by 1. That can make for a dull summer boy alliance.

    BTW, I loved Britney's (and Monet's to a lesser extent) faces while Rachel was going through her HOH stuff. Britney looked as if she were sucking on a lemon while she sat there watching.

    Great goodbye to Annie from Britney, huh? That girl holds nothing back. Wouldn't want to meet her in a dark alley.

  18. I for one am tickled that everyone voted Annie out. Not that I didn't like her. Loved that she made very compelling arguements on why she should stay. But, I also love how everyone ignored her and now they are reaping what they sow. If anyone thought BM twins were going to help them with the game, I am really sad for them. Not really. I can't wait to see those two being have nots! I hope they both break out in fuscia pimples and turn on each other for being "gross".

  19. Love the post- I look forward to your recap every day.

    I found it more amusing that you posted a picture of the famous Catherine Tramell "flash" scene- if you noticed, last night when Annie was talking to Julie Chen, she gave America a show as well.

    Can't listen to Rachel laugh or Enzo eat anymore!!!!!

  20. OMG...this is so funny, we were just talking about you at work yesterday and speculating that you may or may not be Chelsea in disguise lol! You and her comedy styles are so much alike...dirty, irreverant, mouth-like-a-truck-driver comedy that makes me laugh out loud at my desk.

    Thanks again for the ROCKSTAR post!

  21. I'm sending you a bill for a tank of oxygen. I am laughing so hard I can't breathe...bitch!!

    Too fing funny

  22. This is the best BB write up I've read in ages. LOVE it!

  23. My boyfriend and I are starting to question if we really want to sit through BB12.

    Season 12 of Big Brother, or "Jeff and Jordan Redux," as I like to call it, is, so far, a season of "Here We Go Again" contestants.

    You want a lunkhead alliance - Here, take BaddaBing.

    You want a semi-MILF? Here, take Kathy.

    You want fabulous? Here, take Ragan. (He's fabulous, I assure you. Give it time.)

    You want a bitch from the lowest pit of hell? Here, take Britney.

    And, of course: You want a cloyingly sweet power couple? Here, take Brendon and Rachel.

    I don't know if we can do it all again this year. Probably, we'll hang in there.

    The one thing we DO know is we love to read this goddamn blog !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  24. I couldn't believe that Annie was gone! I was kinda glad to hear that she was the saboteur because now her will to fight actually had a reason. I just hope that some angel out there will slap CBS and NOT tell the house guests who the saboteur is and let Annie come back with one hell of a revenge card!

    And now the next time I will see the word giggle I will not even laugh at it... all I will think about is a bustygiggling-shoudln't wear bikini red/pink/purpleish haired thing that pretends to be the Queen of reality TV. ew.

    I just hope to my heart and soul (both something Giggles doesnt have.... *it's been replaced by saliva to bathe Brendon with!*) that the show will get better. Because last night's eviction episode was the worst in my big brother experience!!

  25. For the eye, Duct Tape! You can fix anything with it and now it comes some fabulous colors! And if you can't find a color to match your outfit, silver goes with everything!

  26. WOW. Thanks so much everyone for all the nice comments - even if you are half drunk. Anyhow, if I have to sit here and watch this crap everyday, then I must insist you bitches do too (I'm looking at you David in Boston). We can make it through if we do it together. Think of it as a big orgy if you will.

    And no, I'm not Chelsea Handler. I'm much cuter. ;-)

  27. I'm fucking dying over that recreation of the letter. I can't think of much to add that hasn't already been said, except that this blog is the best part of this season so far. Thanks for doing it every day.

  28. I love your blog it is brilliant! I have had to put my intestines back in after puking them up last night not just from the hoh but the feeds too. I really wish Annie had stayed just so my toxic Rachel exposure could be reduced. The longer she stays on there the longer it is going to take me to detox her poison apple giggle from my mind. I back you 100% on what you said at the beginning of the blog. You say the things I think and love the comedians I love I think I have died and gone to bitch heaven. :)

  29. This post just made my morning! I laughed my ass off!!

    [As I'm responding I'm listening to the flashback and all I hear is that horrid Rachel laugh! BARF!]

    Somebody please tell Rachel to SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP!

    I can't believe those idiots voted Annie out. This season has proven to me that your degree or membership in Mensa means NOTHING! They let Rachel stay and now that bitch think she is so 'powerful'. If I hear her talk about being on other shows [Amazing Race] or HGs from other BB seasons, I am going to throw my laptop out of the window of my 12th floor apartment.

    Of course we know Monet and Britt will be on the block this week. Last week they had SO much to say about Annie "freaking out"..well, I predict they will act the same fucking way! I can't wait to see them breakdown, cry, and most likely end up hating each other for campaigning too hard.

    Catch ya on twitter and the live feeds! :)

  30. The day just wouldn't be right without reading your blog Lala. Your insight into everything you write about is amazing and I'm so glad that I totally get your sense of humor (feel sorry for those who just don't get it)

    I am right on course with just about everyone on here. BB is SO trying to make Brendon and Rachel into this year's J&J, even focusing most of BBAD on them, just like you said the other day. One thing: J&J, in their unbelievable lack of awareness or intelligence plus their losing brain cells at the speed of light conversations, no matter how annoying sometimes, at least were comical and dare I say kinda endearing. However with B&R (refuse to call them the latest celebrity way of combining names since they're NOT celebrities) they are just so totally irrating, frustrating to listen to, nauseating, fingernail pulling and definitely eye-gauging worthiness and making BBAD watching down to less than 1 hour since I zip right on past them. There is nothing humorous about them to make me want to waste my time. They so completely think America is going to love them even more than J&J - which Rachel already said. Man are they in for a shock and rude awakening!

    Ok just to throw this out there and see what sticks. Some of you have implied about Brendon faking this showmance since he so wants to be Jeff and I was glad some picked up on the in the face clues. Twice he has blatantly halted (ie cock blocked himself -- or her rather) by talking about Annie once when they started to slurp their way on screen and then again in the HOH - first night when Rachel (who said she could down the whole bottle of Patron and it wouldn't faze her... yeah and cows actually do jump over the moon) wanted to full on go for it and he stopped AGAIN to go downstairs. This is one huge RED flag the size of Las Vegas waving all up in everyone's faces. No guy I know who is into fake chicks with god awful sounds coming out of her mouth constantly would walk away from that given the opportunity. I would type in "just sayin'" but now that has a very awful tag along with it so just can't use that at all anymore.
    Ok rant is done for now. Just had to let that go... Can't wait for tomorrow and your next installment which is making this season bearable! thank you thank you

  31. Sooo pissed that Annie left! Oh, @ AA - TOTALLY believed Annie when she told Chenbot last night that Brendan had hit on her first & she didn't go for it, so he went to Rachel.

    I only watch the live shows, but Brendan's every move & facial expression seems to be carefully choreographed. Like, he seriously studied from the book of Jeff. His interest in Rachel seems to be very fake. Once Annie stated that, it just confirmed my feeling that Brendan came into the house with a specific plan & just honed in on one particular stupid girl that would go along with it.

    Oh & what was up with dumbass Rachel's goodbye message to Annie? Saying that Annie tried 'going after her man'?! Vom. No, Rachel. No one wants that fake meathead except for you! Dumbass.

    @VioletHeart - good eye! Catching the 'cockblocking' technique that Brendon's been using! That never even occurred to me! I just assumed that when he put the brakes on the slobbering session with Rachel & started talking about Annie (no guy is so daft nor has anything else on his mind in the middle of getting some ass that he would verbalize his thoughts on another chick), that he was just plying for screen time & had read his Jeff bible chapter on "How to appear sensitive & sympathetic to the viewer". I swear, it's a wonder that this douche doesn't stare directly into the camera & produce a tear. It was sooo fake. But, now I know. His own cockblocking is just to further his showmance. He sure as hell doesn't want to wind up with footage of him engaging in sexy times with some chick that dyes her hair with Kool-Aid to be all over the internets.

  32. Haha I totally studied The Lady of Shallot in English this year! Hahaha. Lala this blog is great. And do you think Annie might be in sequester? They might try to bring her back which would be interesting. And you are so right about Britney, I see evil in that bitches eyes. Even in her profile pic on the CBS website, she looks like she is gonna pounce on a tiny kitten and tear it apart like a turkey drumstick. uggghh

  33. thanks for the laughs, Sam and I finally caught up together and were PISSED that Annie went and was the Saboteur, she was hilarious and they were idiots to not get rid of Rachel, that showmance is SICKENING!!! keep up the hilarious blogs, I agree they are better than the show a lot of the time!!