Saturday, July 17, 2010

I Want To Shove His Yarmulke In The Trash!

There are many many ways to die. You could fall off a jagged cliff, get an appendage stuck in the motor of a speedboat, acquire a festering and fatal sexual disease from Ass Licker, trip and fall while trying to leap onto a moving train while going through your "hobo stage", or maybe you test out an array of products from work and slip on some bath beads only to electrocute yourself in the bathtub with a hair dryer (Name the movie I just referenced in the comments and you're a big weiner!). I wonder though, if there's such a thing as "Death By Giggling". I'm thinking it's a slow and very very painful death. First, you'd start to twitch and maybe feel a slight tingling in your ears. You'd do that "water in the ear" hopping thing in an effort to make the discomfort stop. Then the pain creeps it's way up your brain stem, your neck gets tight, it's difficult to turn from side to side, you're still hopping up and down only now you're addicted to morphine and you've begun talking to yourself. Your friends stop calling, you start to lick the walls, the imaginary ferret living under your couch starts giving you attitude... Weeks go by and all you hear is the giggling - that godforesaken neverending giggling. It'll never stop. It'll never end. You curl up into a ball on your living room floor, you try to send out 911 tweets, but you're too frail from not eating for weeks, and then... you die. Your brain explodes, the imaginary ferret licks up the remnants, and no one finds your body until well after BB12 is all said and done. It's sad really. I'm thinking about doing a walk around the block to raise money for this newly invented "Death By Giggling" disease. Something must be done to combat this illness. We could even all wear ribbons or some shit like that. *sigh* Let's recap, shall we?

We started our day with a pissed off gargoyle from the bowels of hell. Her human name is "Britney", but let's just go ahead and call her Bitchney. Bitchney has a bad feeling in her gut. Something inside tells her all that gossiping and tearing apart every piece of Giggles' appearance might just come back to haunt her in the form of a Nomination. She scurries up to the HOH to do some major damage control. Bitchney swears on the fiery embers in her soul that Giggles and her Bitch Boy aren't her targets at all if she ever becomes HOH. Yeah right. For some reason Bitchney has a major problem with Andrew and she wants to shove his yarmulke in the trash and do something to it with a sausage. She's creative. I'll give her that. He probably smiled or something and that ticked her off. Who knows? Anyhow, Bitchney gulps back her urge to spew fire and instead tells Giggles that she's positive and fuzzy and that those traits will take her far in this game. Giggles giggles *piercing pain in my brain* and says she'll never play Big Brother dirty. Bitch please. If killing innocent home viewers isn't "dirty" then I don't know what is. The conversation ends and nothing was really accomplished except for Giggles putting on her first layer of mascara for the day. Seriously, all day she'll be doing her make-up.

Downstairs Enzo and Bitch Boy (Brendon) are on a mission. They're out to find those beeping things Mr. Salvatore left around the house. They manage to find three total and then they proceed to play with them sending beep after beep deep inside my skull. The beeps coupled with the giggles will surely kill me. I just know it. Oh, how I suffer!

In another room Monet is talking to Kathy about how she's worried about being nominated. Monet says that if it happens, she'll have to get up quietly from the table and walk away or else bitch will get all gangsta on everyone and bust a cap in their asses. I gotta be honest, at this point I'm kind of hoping she goes through with it. BB will be forced to bring back Annie, the giggling will be forever put to rest, and I'll live to see 2011. Sounds good to me! While Monet continues to ponder going postal, Kathy remains lying down. From here on out, let's just assume that Kathy's always lying down. It'll save me precious time if I only have to report when she actually stands up and moves around.

Back up in the HOH, Giggles is holding court and receiving the HG's one by one. She'll listen to what they have to say, but let's get real here... Bitch has had her noms planned since the day she walked into the house. She's meeting with Hayden and making it a point to say over and over again that Bitch Boy isn't influencing her decisions at all this week. Giggles has thunk up these nominations all by herself and isn't Bitch Boy just so amazing? He's the most amazing person Giggles has ever met. His hair is amazing, that science thing he does is amazing, his heart is amazing, his farts are amazing... amazing, amazing, amazing! It was at this point that I invented a drinking game on Twitter. I told all my bitches to do a shot everytime Giggles said the word "amazing". I'm sorry to report that there are a lot of dead bitches out there today. Alcohol poisoning. So sad.

OK so back to Helmet and Giggles... Giggles wants to know from Helmet who is coming after her and Mr. Amazing. You know, what, if anything, has Helmet heard down in the trenches? Helmet shrugs his shoulders, shakes his shaggy head, and says that Annie wants Giggles and Bitch Boy out. Ummm, that's great and all Helmet, but Annie has already left the building. Let's get with the program buddy. Giggles giggles, cocks her head to the side, and proceeds to go on the most annoying rant I think I've ever heard. She's just repeating herself really: "hee hee hee, Bitch Boy is amazing, who wants to split us up?, I'm so blessed, this game is hard..." *begins to sterilize melon baller*

Next up is Ragan. Ragan sails into the HOH and immediately announces that he's never had an erection in the BB house. Why, thank you Ragan. I can now cross that off of my list of things that keep me up at night. The conversation quickly turns to Annie and how rude she was when she left the house. She only said goodbye to certain people yadda yadda yadda and this is when Bitch Boy enters. Again, the convo focuses on who wants to split up Brenchel. *sigh* It's all Brenchel, all the time. Don't the HG's see how monumentally stupid it was not to split them up when they had the chance? Anyhow, Ragan tells them that they should probably focus on what's going to happen in Week 3 when chances are one of them won't be HOH. Ragan says he'll bet a thousand dollars that the next HOH comp is Endurance and this is where they begin to worry about Monet. She's a fierce competitor and rumor has it she's got a nine strapped inside her panties.

Then, Matt pokes his head in the HOH. He's got big news to share with everyone and he's busting at the seams. He's a genius you know and guess what? He's figured out who Mr. Salvatore is! He's done amazing and fascinating things with formulas and equations. He's been locked down in his lab pouring strange and exotic liquids into beakers and he's finally solved the big mystery that's been plaguing the house. Get ready for it... Matt wipes the sweat off his brow, adjusts his stained lab coat, and announces, "Bitchney is the Saboteur! I'm 100% positive!" Are you now? Giggles continues to put on her make-up. Bitch Boy checks his hair in the mirror and says, "Well, even if she's not the Saboteur, she'a a bitch." Ouchie Bitch Boy. Ouchie.

This brings us to the Have/Have-Not competition. It must have been a doozy because Feeds were down for HOURS. I had time to set up my altar, bless some candles, call the four corners, and creatively visualize Bitch Boy being a Have-Not. (Yes, I take all my religious cues from movies like The Craft and Practical Magic) I chanted, I danced naked (hot!), I jingled bells, I burned sage, and I might have even sacrificed a goat. That's for me to know and you to find out. I don't want PETA on my ass or anything. So anyhow, I was spiritually and physically spent when the Feeds returned. My eyes flitted back and forth across the screen for clues... any clues as to who's a Have and who's a Have-Not. And then it hit me... the giggling had stopped. That can only mean one thing: BITCH BOY IS A HAVE-NOT!!! Yes! I'm so magical. Next time I'm doing a spell to remove Rachel's vocal chords. Oh, also... Enzo, Monet, and Bitchney are Have-Not's as well.

As quickly as the Feeds came back, they disappeared again. This time it was because Big Brother was revealing that Annie is Mr. Salvatore. The Feeds return and it's chaos. Everyone is claiming they knew it all along. They're thrilled they've outwitted Big Brother and they're absolutely convinced that the feedsters are overcome with joy that the twist is now no more. Ragan, especially, assumes that we're all in awe of how smart they are. Actually, assholes, I think it sucks you fucked things up. I was looking forward to watching Mr. Salvatore mess with you. And don't go fooling yourselves. You didn't get Annie out because you thought she was Mr. Salvatore. You got her out because you mistakenly thought she had secret alliances with everyone. The funniest part of the Mr. Salvatore aftermath had to be Matt, the Mad Scientist himself, declaring, "We are a fucking awesome cast!" Ummmm no you're not. You sleep too much, you make crap decisions, and I'd like to see 3/4's of you come down with a severe case of scabies. Now, shut the hell up.

Giggles climbs back up into her Ivory Tower and holds more meetings that really aren't worth it to recap. It's the same conversation over and over again. All she cares about is Bitch Boy. She wants to get rid of the people who want to split up their love and make deals with the people who'll help throw her a bridal shower. Giggles is scared to death that someone will nominate Bitch Boy somewhere down the road. I so don't get this. Better him than you bitch! From what I can tell he hasn't pleasured you, he's not getting you off all hours of the day, and he's kind of a pussy just wanting to cuddle all the time. Why the hell are you sacrificing your game for this douchebag? God, you're an idiot.

Feeds go down again and we discover what we knew all along: Monet and Bitchney are nominated. Better yet, they're both crying. Monet says Rachel is playing personal and she almost went off on her after the noms. Apparently, Giggles brought up the $10,000 Monet won and that pissed off Monet just a tad. Unfortunately for us, she got up quietly from the table and kept her gat hidden in her underthings. The Plastics continue to cry and they vow not to campaign against each other. Bitchney sniffles to herself and in the funniest line of the day says, "I was nice to Rachel!" LOL Sure you were. Calling her boobs lopsided and saying she needs a dye job is right up there with sainthood.

Enzo enters the crying room to see what's going down and it hits me. Enzo has pretty much run every HOH since he's entered the house. It was his idea to put up Brendon and Rachel. It was his idea to evict Annie and 2 nights ago he planted the seed with Giggles about getting out Monet and Bitchney. The best part is, no one even knows he's doing all of this! He's a pretty loud guy. It's not like he's subtly sending messages to people. It's amazing no one's picked up on it yet. I have to respect him for it. I want to kill him for the way he eats, but I'll go ahead and respect him for being somewhat of a puppet master.

Alright well this is getting long and I've got shit to do and diseases to fight. Basically, the rest of the night was Monet and Bitchney crying. Giggles swears that Bitchney isn't her real target and Monet lies and tells herself she'll be happy to go home. Somehow Bitchney blames Kristen for her nominations and she's not shy in telling us over and over again just how much she hates her. How can she blame Kristen?! She was a fringed pillow for most of the day!

So bitches, do you think Enzo is the master of the house? Are you delighted that Bitch Boy is a Have-Not? What color ribbons should we wear to combat "Death By Giggling"? Should Mensa revoke Matt's membership? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


  1. I feel like every giggle that escapes Rachel's dirty pirate skank mouth causes brain tumors and Brendon's constant consoling and touching of the ladies gives us all breast cancer. They are both deadly and annoying. Brenchel is the next form of the swine flu.
    I actually like Britney, her snarky, catty comments are my favorite things on the feeds so far. Monet is like the Diet Coke to Britney's Cherry Coke. I hope she goes home because she is so bland to me.
    Oh and the movie is What Women Want {insert Mel Gibson criticism here}, and Enzo is running that house! I like him and Matt but hate "The Brigade".

  2. The ribbons have to be Ronald McDonald Red to match Rachel's hideous never-found-in-nature hair color. I just hope these halfwits have come to their senses enough to know that if Brendon doesn't win HOH next week, one of these two HAS TO GO. Even though Brendon has got to be the biggest pussy on the planet.

    I love watching Britney pissed off. I loved it when she called Kristen a hooker. Not that I have anything against Kristen. I just enjoy hearing people call each other hookers. I was so proud of Britney and Monet saying that they were ready to be nominated and just wanted to get it over with. It was very "Titanic" to me. Cut to a couple of hours later and they're both bawling like babies. It was a little disappointing.

    I really want Britney to cozy up to Enzo. Convince him he needs to get his boys to vote to keep her. And that "Brenchel" needs to go back on the block next week.

  3. I think the color of Giggle's hair should be the official ribbon color for the disease... but how do you call that color? Maybe it's because I'm french and my vocabulary is short or something...

    Like I've told you on twitter I re-read your first paragraph 5 times (actually it's more like 8 times now :P) and man I've never laughed this hard before. To a point where I almost peed on my bed... maybe the disease has affected me??? *runs to cover*
    We'll have a bake sale to raise money! How about selling fish sticks and fruit cakes? I'm sure we'll make a bunch of money with Bitch Boy's leftovers!

  4. Forget about me liking anyone this week. I hate them all. But this week, I really hate Kathy and Hayden.

    Kathy was all for the 'catty gossip' sessions when she was bashing Annie with Bitch & Bitchier. But now that Bitch & Bitchier have been nominated... she's got too many morals, ya'll. I'm not saying she's stupid for distancing herself from them. It's definitley a smart move. But don't pretend to be all flowers and sunshine.

    And Hayden... Oh Hayden. You're a weird one. From far away... you look kinda hot. Then when I see a close-up of your face... I run from the room screaming. That's some scary shit, yo. He BITCHED about Annie endlessly... about her making soooo many alliances soooo soon. But so did you, dumbass. You have one with Kristen(Loony Lovegood). One with the boneheaded "Brogade". And one with 'the most disgusting showmance to ever be televised'. Again, I'm not saying it's a dumb move... but I still hate you because you got rid of my Annie.

    If Matt is a genius then I am the fucking pope.

    I hate them all... but I hope Bitch or Bitchier win the PoV. If anyone else wins... the noms will probably stay the same... where's the fun in that???

  5. i'm thinking reddish/purple ribbons with black roots.

  6. If Brendon isn't gay...he just isn't into redheads. Matt, keep your hands out of your shorts already. Monet, the blandest black girl in America (I can talk)go home for lordy sake. Lane and Bitchney, remind us why the South is so great.....

  7. BBAD has been so boring that I have stopped watching it and have decided to follow Colette and onlinebigbrother for my updates. Saves me tons of time and a lot more entertaining than watching this collection of saps.

    My only hope is Enzo starts a who's got the best breast competition where probably Bitchney's surgeon wins the prize.

    Hopefully ones of the Heathers is booted this week and the other the following week and then the showmance follows so we can possibly get to some decent game play.

    Keep up the good work, Mistress Colette!

  8. i didn't know britney hated jenna bush so much

  9. This season is bad. I mean, really, really bad. I havent sparked up the feeds, there is nothing to watch on BBAD, theres no one to root for. I mean, for all the complaining that was done about Jeff & Jordan, I'd trade this WHOLE CAST for Jorff. Yes, Britney is spawn of the devil but she has fans because she causes drama. I am not one of those people. I can handle catty bitchiness, but not just plain evilness that is Britney.

    I just... this is what Robin has decided America wants to see in a cast. Showmances, large men with no brains, the guy who thinks he knows everything, and Plastics. I'd settle for some James BB9, Jorff, Howie, Diane, Nakomis, Karen, Renny, Chelsia, and people who many thought were awful at the time but they at least played the game and made the feeds fun. The only person who can even hold these people's dirty dish water may be Enzo, because I can see him having a freak out soon.

    The worst, and yet most amazing exchange yesterday while they were all saying what a great cast they were was Enzo's comment to Lane. He said Lane is dull. Cue puzzled look on Lanes face. For a full 2 minutes. Ten he mustered up the response "What does that word mean?"


    Ad Brit aint foolin me. She criticizes Rachel & Kristen's boob jobs with such clinical aalysis of what went wrong that its so obvious she's had a boob job. Yet she denies it. And Monet's bulimia, where she scarfs down 5 cookies, goes to the bathroom to look at erself in the mirror and insist to whoever may be in there that she has a double chin and muffin top, then proceeds to the bathroom itself for 10 minutes.

    And Matt made the mistake of wearing a tank top for a few minutes yesterday, and on his right shoulder I swear I saw a swastika. Or a celtic knot, but it totally looked like the swastika. He quickly changed. This is the only thing worth inestigating about this cast. Good job Robin Kass.


  10. So Misty, are you saying Hayden is a Monet?

  11. Yes, Creme. That is exactly what I'm saying. A full on MONET. Glad to see that you're not Clueless.

    (I hope this comment didn't go through twice. My power went out just as I was posting this comment...)