Saturday, August 7, 2010

You Can Pay My Penalty Baby

As a child little Rachel Reilly was a handful. Her family wasn't poor, but they definitely weren't rich. They lived in a comfortable planned community in North Carolina where Rachel could skip rocks on the lake and torture frogs by the light of the moon. Yes, Rachel was one of those kids. She had an insatiable hunger for seeing living things squirm and writhe in pain and, as a result, her family could never have a pet. Just ask poor Sprinkles. Sprinkles was the family cat who worked hard to avoid the buck-toothed auburn haired child. Whenever Rachel came into a room Sprinkles would dart under couches or leap up on top of bookcases. The first time Rachel yanked on Sprinkles' tail, he chalked it up to an unfortunate accident and decided to give the loquacious child another chance. But when Rachel decided to hang Sprinkles in a netted laundry bag above the family's backyard firepit, he decided this child could not only not be trusted, but that perhaps a good old fashioned institution that featured Electric Shock Therapy just might be a better idea. Fortunately, Sprinkles survived the firepit incident. It was Rachel's older sister who'd rescued the frightened pussy cat. Yes, Sprinkles was a survivor. He managed to escape the medieval torture chamber made of the kitchen knives her mother had ordered off of tv and the underwater bag with cinder blocks attached. Fortunately for Sprinkles, a percocious 10 yr old isn't exactly the best engineer or the most conscientious of inventors. No, it wasn't any of Rachel's "experiments" that claimed the poor kitty's life. It was Rachel herself. One day at dinner when the family was going over Rachel's report card, her father had shouted at her in anger over the D she brought home in English. He took away her chemistry sets, her beakers, and the construction paper lab manuals she had made. Rachel sat tight lipped searching her brain for the perfect form of retribution. It just so happened that in that moment Sprinkles had lazily walked by the child's feet brushing his furry tail on her leg. Without even a second thought, Rachel reached down, grabbed the stunned cat by the neck, took her knife and fork out and ate the poor kitty's paws one by one. Needless to say, a pawless cat isn't really a cat at all. It's kind of a moaning whimpering stuffed animal of sorts. They tried prosthetics for poor Sprinkles, but nothing worked. His life was miserable; lying on his back, stumps in the air. That's not the way for a cat to live. So, one day, Sprinkles managed to wriggle his way over to the venetian blinds in the family room. He stuck his head in between the strings and jerked down hard. It was a cat suicide that claimed poor Sprinkles' life. To this day, in the dark of night, Rachel can still hear the teeny tiny meows of Sprinkles off in the distance somewhere. When she hears the familiar sounds she just stops and stares. Thin-lipped and wide-eyed she stares as if possessed. *shivers* Let's recap, shall we?

It's nomination day bitches and if all goes well the evil duo that is Brendon and Rachel will be on the block and their terrifying torturous love affair will finally be over. The plan is to get rid of Rachel this week. Yes! She's too strong in quizzes and chances are that next week's HOH might be a quiz and a double eviciton. Big ole dumb goofy Brendon will be much less of a threat if that happens. Since the house is planning on keeping Brendon, the Brigade begins to plot their move for next week. They decide that since Brendon already seems to like Enzo, he'll be the one to get on Brendon's good side and form a partnership with him. Maybe they'll even include Hayden on the deal so when next week arrives and Brendon happens to win HOH he'll probably nominate a Brigade member and Kathy with Kathy being the one to go home. It's not really a bad idea as it also lulls Brendon into feeling somewhat safer thinking he has an alliance.

So, the morning progresses and Bitch Boy and Hyena Fuckface are trying to get a little face time with Matt. This shouldn't be that difficult a task, but with the rest of the house protecting Matt from being alone with Brenchel it's proving to be quite the challenge. Finally, Rachel spies Matt and Ragan sitting alone in the Cabana Room. She approaches and says she wants to talk to Mat. Ragan, out of sheer terror at having to listen to Rachel defend herself for however many minutes, decides to get up and walk away. He very politely excuses himself when Rachel snarls and drools and says, "Why are you leaving? You guys are a pair anyways." *snarl, snort, snarl* Ragan, having an aversion to snarls and ass breath, turns back around and let's Rachel have it. He's not in a partnership with Matt!(yes, he is) He's not in a duo! (yes, he is) He's not in a pair like she is with Bitch Boy! (yes, he is) He hoots and hollers something fierce so Rachel hoots and hollers back. Brendon, in the kitchen cooking a giant vat of olive oil with some sprigs of basil, hears the commotion, drops his apron, and runs to protect his fair maiden. He starts yelling at Ragan, Ragan's still yelling at Rachel, and Rachel is trying to control the drool escaping from her fangs. Matt just sat back and chuckled while Britney was in the other room making the "they're cuckoo" motion with her fingers.

It was a dumb argument with dumb people. It had nothing to do with Bitch Boy whatsoever, but he begins to cry and tinkle in his pants if his red headed harlot is annoyed is in any way so of course he had to jump in. Ultimately, Rachel starts fake crying and apologizing to Ragan. She didn't mean it, she's sorry, she considers Ragan her friend yadda yadda yadda. Ragan just nods and walks away. In the end Rachel got her 5 minutes with Matt which was spent, inexplicably, blaming Kristen for everything that's gone wrong. The lovely Kristen has left the building yet Rachel's obsession remains. She tells Matt that Kristen threw everyone under the bus last week, pitched a four person alliance, and, at the same time, threw Hayden under the bus. I think she blamed a suicide bombing in Pakistan on Kristen as well, but I can't be sure.

The Feeds go down and feedsters assumed it was nomination time. No, my dear readers, it was Pandora's Box time! Matt went into the HOH and was confronted with Pandora's Box. Apparently, there was a briefcase with a note saying that if Matt chose to open Pandora's Box there was a chance he could win great wealth and also unleash something on the house. He decides to open the box and inside was a dollar... one lonely dollar. And that was it. Nothing else. No little people running around, no barber shop quartet, no money raining from the sky... just one measly dollar.

OK so Matt goes outside and tells the other HG's what went down. Immediately, Bitch Boy doesn't believe him. He thinks Matt probably won $25,000 and is lying about the whole dollar thing. He could be right, but there actually was a dollar sitting up in the HOH room. I doubt BB delivered $25,000 big ones all in singles. Ragan thinks something good for the house will come out of it all and that's when I knew. Ragan has accepted the job of the new Mr. Salvatore. There was something in Ragan that changed in that moment. Not only was he wearing sunglasses indoors, but he was soothing the HG's with his talk that they'll all get prizes out of this.

After a hectic morning of avoiding Brenchel and making a dollar, Matt finally gets to make his nominations. Gather round bitches and get your glitter ready. It is with great pleasure that I announce that BRENDON AND RACHEL ARE UP FOR EVICTION!!! *throws glitter in the air* You're all invited to my place for gin and Smartfood popcorn. It's not wine and cheese... it's better. It's tangy, it melts on your tongue, and you can lick the white cheddar goodness off your fingers. Nudity is required and there will be jugglers and fire eaters for your entertainment. Creme Tangerine will perform a burlesque show. Quote Man will grill burgers in the backyard. James Bond will sit in a corner and fondle his banjo for everyone. ubetboy will recite some beat poetry for the ladies. crazycatlady will unleash her pussy for you to pet. Sausage Fingers will pleasure ladies in the back room with his, uh, sausage fingers and Alli will be offering ointment and therapy for after the party ends. It'll be a Bitchy celebration with all the twisted and perverted Bitchy Blog readers. Someone will leave pregnant (Deion's number is 555-DADA) and some might not survive the night. It's a risk I'm willing to take.

So yeah Big Red is on the block and, for some reason, she's not feeling the same glee I am. She's wandering around tight-lipped clenching her fists and muttering to herself how stupid Matt is. Watching it from home was pure heaven. The munchkins came out and sang, we blew bubbles together and strung together leis of daisies to wear in our hair. Fairies fluttered, the clouds parted, Farrah peeked out, smiled her winning smile, and waved. It was bliss... pure crystal bliss. I'm pretty sure that whenever Rachel is mad, babies are born and terrorists die. It's like her anger fuels an inner goodness in the universe that begins to reverse all the wrongs. Rare indigenous plant life that can cure Lupus is discovered in the Amazon, great white sharks in Australia suddenly decide they're no longer hungry for people, and a cable channel is invented that shows nothing by Coyote Ugly and Little Darlings on a constant loop. The Earth breathes a sigh of relief and everything is, in that moment, OK.

While we all enjoy the pleasures of a mad Rachel, Rachel herself is having a very different experience. She's in the kitchen violently chopping up a cucumber - Bad cucumber! She's hurling lettuce into a bowl while her scared boyfriend prepares an olive oil dressing with a pinch of pepper. The couple takes their salad feast and retreats to the Cabana Room to enjoy it all alone. Rachel stabs the Romaine repeatedly. What the hell did Romaine lettuce ever do to you Rachel?! It's been nothing but fabulous to me. I enjoy it in Casear salads and sometimes on a turkey sandwich. Never in my life has Romaine done me wrong to deserve being stabbed by a greasy dirty loud mouthed wench like yourself. Chill the fuck out bitch. She doesn't hear me so I sat at home and girded my loins. If she ever breaks free from that house and comes across a Ginsu knife I know I'm in trouble. She's formulating a list of whom to kill. First on the list - Me. Second, Kristen. Third, every other pretty girl on the planet. I've been invited to the Big Brother Vegas Bash, but let's just say that despite my current woes I'd still like to live a long healthy life. Having Ass Licker, me, and Hyena Fuckface all in one place probably won't end well. There'd be a lot hair pulling and ovary punching and I'm a lover not a fighter. So, no, I'm not going to Vegas.

The 2010 Romaine Massacre comes to an end and Rachel begins to cry. *giggles* At least, I think she's crying. I can't really tell anymore. She's lying down with her legs spread wearing a outfit that belongs at a Renaissance Faire while Brendon lies on top of her and kisses her face. She moans about not having any friends in the house and America probably thinking she's a bitch because of her DR's (yup!). Bitch Boy calms her down by telling her that if she wins the money she can pay the penalty on his Grad student apt. and they can move in together. So romantic Bitch Boy!

Hyena Fuckface kept bitching because I'm convinced she's entered a "Bitch and Moan" contest that we're not aware of and the excitement over nominations begins to wane, that is, until Mr. Salvatore decided to make an appearance. Yup! It was very exciting. Mr. Salvatore came on the screen and feedsters were actually able to watch it all. He delivered a message saying that since Matt opened Pandora's Box, he unleashed a new saboteur on the house. He said something about cruising his way to the $500,000 and then as soon as he appeared, he was gone. Enzo immediately got pissed. He doesn't really care for the whole saboteur thing. Britney guessed that America probably voted for who the new person would be and Brendon sat pouting as he came to the realization that the house would not be raining money this time around. Seriously, he sat there with his arms crossed and said, "So I guess we're not getting any money." Oh shut up you greedy fuck.

Now Ragan was the funniest of all. He sat with his knees up to his chest and he was all red and wide-eyed. At first he didn't say anything and then I think he realized that silence was tantamount to guilt. He then started to say that he thinks Mr. Salvatore must have some great power that can affect the game. Well, that got Rachel's attention. She's hoping that somehow she and her subservient bitch will be saved. Dream on Greasy!

The Mr. Salvatore talk continues into the night and Enzo is absolutely flummoxed as to why anyone would even accept the job. Hayden wonders the incentive might be. As a group they decide it's either cash or power. Eventually, Rachel gets her head back into the game and she decides then and there that she will win POV and she and Brendon will stay in the house. OK Warty. We'll see...

So, what do you guys think of nominations? Did you rip your clothes off and fondle yourselves? Do Brenchel have a chance in hell both surviving the week? Will Mr. Salvatore somehow affect the nominations? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


  1. I find it hard to believe that Rachel is capable of achieving a D in English.

  2. Oh lala I really enjoyed this...I just find it extremely hysterical to hear bredan say that he would give the pov to rachel if he won it. That is supreme lunacy. The only people to evergive pov to a fellow nom was E.D. and Danielle in BB8. However, that makes since cause there blood. These two macaroons have only exchanged bodily fluids.
    Oh Lala I wonder how you reacted when Rachel realized that everyone was doing good in SURVIVOR bowling and she sucked at it.

  3. First of all, you have the funniest blog that there is out there. Seriously, i have never laughed out loud or so hard reading any other blog. You sure have a way with words, thank you for all your blogging reports.
    Second, it is hard to believe that Rachel or Brendon really went to a bonafied college. If they did, the entire staff needs to be fired. Rachel must have gone to Uncle Fester's University for HoBags, or Deliverance College, majoring in alcoholism and the fine art of screwing. Brendon surely went to some fine college that taught grown men how to grovel, and how to keep his head up some slut's ass 24/7. Wonder what the class was called that taught him how to always have an excuse when he didn't win, and how to whine on cue when the going gets rough. What a moron, his goes around with this slack-jawed look that makes him look like a dimwit. Last night on BBAD Britney said that she was going to slit her throat with Brendon's toenail. Britney cracks me up sometime, she can be catty, but she can be really funny also.

  4. Oh, my, yes! I strummed my banjo until I broke a string when I found out it was official. Thank you so much, Matthew! She said, "Bring it on!"; it got brought on. HER MAN is already sliding her carefully under a Vegas-bound bus by buddying up to Enzo and Hayden.

    I'm shocked Ragan accepted the Salvatore Mantle; he's been trying all season to not win anything that would require him to make a tough decision, and he goes for this? They must have offered him more than the cash; maybe they'll be broadcasting his podcast on CBS Radio and sending him and Neil Patrick Harris to Jamaica for a romantic getaway and cheap ganja.

    Whatever. I have three physical therapy sessions and a dentist appointment this week, but I'll be smiling through the pain thinking about Vegas Red's imminent departure.

    Unless her or her boy-slave win POV. Yes, Dumbnuts told Enzo he'll save Rachel if he wins it.

  5. Oh happy day, oh happy DAAYY!! Lala thank you for brightening up my otherwise craptastic day at work. At least Matt finally decided to do the right thing. Hyena Fuckface has got to go this week.

  6. I should know better by now that I really MUST keep things out of my mouth when reading your blog. This time I almost choked on a Whopper Junior.

    Your "UP FOR EVICTION" party sounds much better than the Playboy Mansion parties that Rachael describes and acts dumbfounded that nobody else in the house goes to them. After all she gets PAID to go to those parties and they are NOWHERE NEAR AS GOOD AS THE VEGAS PARTIES! Even Hef spends more time in VEGAS than in the mansion.

    Either way... I'd rather go to your party.

    BUMMER - you would have your troops there. I can understand that the sound of Hyena's laugh is enough of a deterrent; but still... BUMMER.
    "I've been invited to the Big Brother Vegas Bash, but let's just say that despite my current woes I'd still like to live a long healthy life. Having Ass Licker, me, and Hyena Fuckface all in one place probably won't end well. There'd be a lot hair pulling and ovary punching and I'm a lover not a fighter. So, no, I'm not going to Vegas."

    Love the blog! As always you are right on target and much more entertaining than the live feeds.

  7. Lala- I haven't kissed your ass in a while...but here it is. I am bowing to you now as I type this. A while ago on the BN I said I read your blog more for entertainment, less for accuracy...well you proved me wrong today. This was the most accurate description of yesterday. The way you broke down the Ragan/Rachel "fight" was perfection to a tee. You are the Queen...I grovel at your perfectly pedicured toenails. <3 <3 <3


  8. Awesome always. I can't help but wonder if perhaps Ragan did turn down the offer and Enzo is the sabo. Enzo went a bit over the top last night when it was first announced and then he didn't sit with the others right away when they left the living room, said he was tired and needed a nap. Personally I feel Ragan is to much of a scaredy cat to do it. We'll see. I am ready for Rachel to leave but I wish the constant insults would stop. Can't these people in the house make any conversation other than talking of people on past seasons, each other, or what the next contest will be. And really, Brit can be funny but she is an original mean girl...not a nice person at all.

  9. Should I bring my opium pipe that I haven't smoked since Jeff's eviction at the hands of The Scarfed One?

    Glitter all around!

  10. Yay for Smartfood popcorn! Glitter everywhere! Ding dong the bitch is DONE! And the drama is in full effect today. Things just got interesting!

    This week is gonna be awesome. I seriously bust into a goofy grin whenever Brenchel start whining. And those two are so immature you know there's going to be some good blow ups this week. Fabulous! I'm popping popcorn!!

  11. I really hope they get rid of B first. It would make for an interesting week. BB would have to hide the knives on R. And seriously lets just pretend for a second as the fairy dust gathers around and we close our eyes lets say R stays and she wins HOH wow how exciting this could be she would go on an evil tyrant of vengful pilaging of fairy town. As much as I would like to see the depths of hell openup and swallow this man beast I would love even more to see her loose her Fn mind as her man slave whipping post is in the jury house with other women. I really think R eats her own children and she has already done so once this year on the show. There is no way an incubation period of that beast is 9 months she is a creature of hell remember, they reproduce differently.

    Canadian 1724

  12. Eek! What was that monologue about poor Sprinkles?!?! I'm crying/laughing/and nauseated all at once.

    Aw, go to the Vegas Bash, Colette. No one could enjoy it and then blog it like you could.

    That was interesting. I wonder why they chose to show us (BBADers) the Saboteur live.