Monday, August 30, 2010

Lords Of The Dance

Like Sarah Jessica Parker in Girls Just Want to Have Fun... I love to dance. My one guilty pleasure in life (other than opium, gin, glitter, little people, and gratuitous violence) is dance movies. As a matter of fact, when I'm rich and famous from my bestselling novel Eat, Bitch, Fuck, I'm gonna start a basic cable station that plays nothing but dance movies on a constant loop... Center Stage, Coyote Ugly, Fame (the original), Save The Last Dance, Footloose, Flashdance, Staying Alive (the best movie ever made I'll have you know), etc. You know that feeling you get when you're at the theater and the curtain lifts and the music swells? Your heart begins to flutter, a rush of emotion takes over your body, and you wait with bated breath to be delighted. That's how I feel when there's a dance sequence in a movie. So imagine my glee when Big Brother announced that the newest and last "punishment" from Lane's Pandora's Box is that the HG's must dance for one minute every hour. I envisioned buff bodies in leotards leaping and pirouetting across the backyard while Britney floated in the air on Lane's shoulders kicking her legs this way and that. I thought at the very least I'd get headbands, legwarmers, and pointe shoes. My jete pas de bourree jazz hands dream was not to be. Instead I got a lot of marching in place, raising the roof, and clenched fists. Let's recap, shall we?

OK so let's begin by talking about last night's Big Brother show... which I watched after the Emmys and fell asleep half way through. Lane won HOH and everyone in the house and on Twitter are now all ticked off that Lane comes from money. Former HG's were commenting about Lane's finances and the same hypocrites who hated Ragan's "most deserving" speeches began mouthing off on how Lane now doesn't "deserve" to win because he already has money. Did Big Brother become a charity program that I'm not aware of? I didn't realize that Big Brother is now some kind of scholarship or welfare institution. I don't give a shit if a player is a multi billionaire and lives on a private island in the Bahamas. If the player is the best at competitions and strategy, then that player deserves to win the game. To say Lane shouldn't win just because he already owns a house and his dad has airplanes is moronic. Lane shouldn't win because he's a crap player who bores me to tears. That's why he shouldn't get the money not because he has a mortgage to pay.

Watching Annie, of all people, sit in judgment and analyze game play out of bitterness is most disappointing. I was on her side. I was ready to defend her. She only lasted a week, but I would have given her publicity and helped her out with whatever future endeavor she had. I hate it when I like someone and then they do something stupid to make me scratch my head and go, "Really? You just said that?". I get that way sometimes over Elizabeth Wurtzel. I'll get all excited to read a new article she's published only to discover it's a thousand word elitist rant written out of jealousy. I'll push it to the back of my head, chalk it up to a lapse in judgment, and try to forget I ever read it. It's when it happens over and over and over again that you're forced to say to yourself, "Maybe she's not that inspirational after all..." I imagine Ass Licker fans must experience that disappointing feeling everyday of their lives. It's kind of impossible to defend her anymore now that she's doing porn. I hate to say it (no I don't), but I told you so.

OK so back in the house Lane is having trouble trying to figure out who to put up in Enzo's place. If he puts up Britney, she's gonna get pissed off and Enzo could actually vote her out. If he puts up Hayden, he risks hurting his hairy friend's feelings. Britney gets word that she might go on the block and she's very quick to tell Lane that there's no way he can win against Hayden in the Final 2. She tells Lane that Hayden needs the money and that his family may have financial difficulties while Lane has a new house, a cushy job, and no monetary woes at all. I'll say what I said before, this stuff shouldn't matter, but to these chuckle heads it does. Britney has a point though when she says Lane could never beat Hayden in the end. Hearing this annoys Lane and the expression on his face the rest of the night is proof positive he is not a happy camper. He spent hours sitting in quiet contemplation looking stressed out and confused. If he wants to make a big move, he should just get rid of Hayden now and go ahead and make a Final 2 deal with Britney. He should stack that jury house with as many Bra-gade members as possible and skate his way to victory. The problem, of course, is that he's a total pussy. For someone so large who has no problem beating the shit out of people (uh yeah, I read that article too) he's unusually cowardly and cautious. The only way I can see Lane winning this game is if he gets rid of Enzo and Hayden and takes Ragan or Britney with him to the final. I'm pretty sure this little nugget has dawned on Lane as well because watching him sit with a pained look on his mug you just know he's wrestling with a difficult decision.

In the middle of all this tough game playing, Big Brother tells the HG's to dance whenever they hear the music. In the first paragraph I said I expected an exquisitely choreographed celebratory number that expressed the human struggle within. I wanted Michael Douglas sitting in the dark smoking a cigarette telling everyone they sucked. I wanted Bob Mackie costumes, wanton popping of Dexedrine pills, and clever overly sexual grinding and writhing ... or something like that. Here's what I got instead: five buffoons jauntily walking with nary a spirit finger in sight. Ragan and Britney actually gave it a good effort. Ragan would hump the kitchen counter while Britney strutted shaking her money maker in her Ugg boots. Enzo, on the other hand, morphed into a West Coast rapper pursing his lips and raising the roof. Lane did some sort of awkward skipping thing and you just knew that he was totally the Chris Penn character in Footloose who refused to dance at school functions. This leaves Hayden... strange and awkward Hayden. For some reason, the infectious beats turned Hayden into a majorette of sorts. He clenched his fists, stood up tall, and marched his way across the backyard. I don't know if he thought he was in a parade or what, but it was disturbing and made me concerned for his lovemaking skills.

Not much else happened and that's all I got for now. I'm not sure if I'll be able to post tomorrow. It all depends on whether or not my vajazzle appointment comes through. Until I return, I leave you with the best opening to any movie ever in the history of filmmaking. Please to enjoy:

So, who do you think will go up as the replacement nomination? Is there a chance Hayden goes home this week? Will Hayden ever be recruited by the American Ballet Theatre? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


  1. Only you can write a blog that makes me laugh til I you Bitch sugarfreeNJ

  2. You left out the mother of all dance movies and my personal favorite: Dirty Dancing. How awesome would it have been to see Ragan walk up to Britney, hold his hand out to her, and say "Nobody puts Britney in a corner"? They didn't have to do the lift, but a few little moves would have been nice.

    I can't wait to read "Eat, Bitch, Fuck". I know it's gonna be a bestseller.

  3. I totally agree with you! I hate it when, on BB and Survivor, the contestants begin analyzing who "needs" the money. Who gives a fuck? The question these fucktards need to be asking themselves is "who EARNED the PRIZE?". Big Brother is not a charity or scholarship program, it is a game.

    What stuck out to me on last night's show was, at the beginning, Enzo is sitting in the DR talking about how you have to start winning HOH/POVs at this point and earn your position in the game. He said, and I quote, "if you go home, you got no one to blame but yourself". So, he seems to grasp that you have to play, you have to win, you can't depend on anyone but yourself and if you don't win in order to GUARANTEE your own safety, you have no one to blame but yourself. Then, fast forward to the end, after Lane puts him on the block and he is in the DR bitching and moaning about Lane putting him on the block. Apparently, Enzo was referring to everyone else's safety in the beginning of the show but the same logic doesn't apply to himself.

    I would be so happy if Britney's talk works and he puts Hayden on the block. I would be even happier if Hayden went home. I can't stand to look at his shaggy hair and upside down mouth another day.

  4. Lala, Your blog is the highlight of Big Brother. How you can consistently write at such a high level based on "nothing" I don't know. I'm a little bored by this season and I'm surprised because I've wanted a mix of more civil contestants for a few years. These are smarter than the usual bunch and playing with more subtle strategy. However, who knew it would be so boring to watch.

  5. well you can tell by the way that hayden walks,
    he's a loser's man, no time to talk.
    lane is rich and now he's torn,
    been a pussy babe, since he was born.
    but now it's all right, it's ok,
    he can still vote out the gay.
    then he'll come to understand,
    that enzo is more shit than man.

    whether he's a floater or a britney motor-boater
    lane is stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
    hayden's hair is growin' while enzo's scalp is showin'
    lane is stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

  6. Oh my god CheapRobot! Amazing. I die.

  7. After watching these HGs "dance", I have a new found confidence in my abilities. Wow! Such inept, uncoordinated individuals. Great fun, tho', for me-I got to feel superior!
    By the way, this page of comments, especially robot, added the crumb topping to my blueberry muffin. :-)

  8. I enjoy your blog very much. I found it all by my little self and have told my BB-watching friends about it. When you mentioned the episode of "Charmed" where the in-love couple were separated because he was an owl and she was a lizzard (or whatever the hell 'day' animal she was) I knew we were in synch. But Collette, a "Staying Alive" reference with a clip....well, I just think I'm meant to do your bidding. And the Chris Penn-"Footloose" honorable mention was certainly not lost on me either. I played your "Staying Alive" clip and at the beginning of that tension-fueled music I too began thrusting my shoulders back and forth, much like Tony Manaro (played by my one true love in life, the fabulous John Travolta. Hallowed by thy name).

    But you had me at "Charmed".

  9. Loved the post. I'm also a sucker for a good dance off. No matter where or with whom.. solving an issue with a battle of dance moves does it for me every time. Too bad they all suck at it and even worse that having to move quickly to music every hour for a min was the best punishment production could come up with.
    I'm curious what Annie had to say about the HG and their finances. Can't belive its even an issue to anyone! People were tweeting yesterday that they've been blocked by Annie and I almost died laughing. Really? She's that bent out of shape? Strange.
    Keep up the good work. I love reading you blog. You're a great writer dear.

  10. I found your blog today and I LOVE it!!
    I do have one question though, and I feel stupid asking but.. who is Ass Licker LOL
    Can't wait for you next blog!

  11. Incredible just incredible! We loved the writing and the bonus music at the end. What a way to bring on the day. Thank you once again for the "lift".

  12. Oooh Flashdance that movie got me through 7th grade, every now and then I beg Mrs. Sausage to don the leg warmers and shag a pole for me while I chuck a bucket of cold water on the funbags, memories...
    As far as the season its' getting more and more boring, as much as I hate to admit it the Pimpley red carrot and her douchebag penis attachment are the type of players needed to cause some bloody drama in this vanilla house.
    I know you have said it before but who cast these people? Matt? really!! what a fucking drip, I would rather make love to a wet mop than hear his bullshit every day.
    Good luck with your vajazzle appointment, hope everything is in place, you will be in our thoughts......

  13. You are almost at 100 followers, nice... we all need directions to the "100 followers summer blowout bash and booze-up" I can bring chips
    all the best..

  14. Sausage baby, I'm at about 200,000 hits. Followers on blogger count for a teeny tiny percentage of my readers. Methinks you just want an excuse to party.

  15. Center Stage. Zoe Saldana's first movie. I own it and watch it regularly. Judge me.

  16. Only had to watch Staying Alive clip seven times to get over that crap i saw last night, omg these guys are hopeless. Lane go spike lee on them, DO THE RIGHT THING, get rid of hair boy. He has got to go. Then hair pulgs can go next and we can have a nice Lane, Brit, Reg final. CoLa i am just barely hanging in there with this crap. If not for you i would not even watch it anymore but i need it as a touch stone so i can follow your writings. kisses baby and i will pray the vajaz stays alive.

  17. Ok I fully admit to missing the dancing in the BB house...I guess once again I didn't miss anything spectacular so I really don't feel bad.

    I will also fully admit to loving to dance....if I had a speaker come over in my house telling me I had to dance every hour on the hour I would be totally in heaven. I would have to break out my Girls just want to have fun moves...yeah I own that movie and I watch it often. I always want to find me a nice looking man and wear Catholic School outfits while we try out for a cheesy dance show. Why are there no kick ass cheesy dance shows like from the 80s anymore anyway....I would totally go on and shake my ass and dry hump the stage like it seems they were always doing in those shows.

    Great blog Lala and I am glad I didn't miss anything by watching the emmys while it was on. I did turn it over a couple times to learn Lane actually did win $91.17...I wonder if he learned his greedy boy lesson with that one...hmmm

  18. The problem with the "you can't win against Hayden" scenario is that Lane is perfectly happy with 50K. That's where money difficulties make the difference -- Lane's parents bought him a house, paid for his car, gave him a job, and pay off his legal fees when he and his brother go on a rampage. He doesn't NEED the money so he's not going to try as hard for 500K. Snowboard bunny / eternal student Hayden also comes from a wealthy family and Enzo has a sugar mama who earns a pretty penny as the CFO of a NYC-area based Fortune 500 company. Notice a theme between the do-nothings this season and their well-off status?? The lazy THREE who are all doing it for post-show Hollywood offers rather than for the money? Whereas for bar maid Rachel, chip-on-his-shoulder Brendon, and hugely in debt Ragan, there would be a huge difference in their life between 50K and 500K.

  19. I thought you were joking about ass licker and then I found this link today

    She is doing some 24 hour show called Foursome on Playboy TV. UGH.

    On the upside, Ragan finally talked with Lane and Lane told Britney that he made some valid points. He also told Brit that Hayden told him that he took all the prizes. Pray a little prayer that Lane makes a power move and votes out Hayden!!!! AND Brit or Ragan get HOH & POV. It really isn't too much to ask.

    Since I have already had my hand slapped... can you find a different leprechaun to sacrifice please?

  20. Stacked, you need to join the BN. We've been talking about Ass Licker's antics for a few weeks now. It's allllll happening at the BN baby.

  21. Love your blog -- you are a wonderfully gifted writer.

    Question unrelated to anything above: does anyone know the make/model of the elliptical machine in Big Brother's backyard?

  22. I have one helpful suggestion, if I may. I would love if you would add links to stuff when you mention them in the posts. Like the reference to ass licker, and lane getting in fights. I love to read about this stuff but only hear about it when you mention it here.

  23. what is the BN lala?

  24. The BN is the Bitchy Network. Go here to join:

  25. Brooke,

    Duly noted. I will try to do this from now on.

  26. I enjoy your blog very much. I found it all by my little self and have told my BB-watching friends about it. When you mentioned the episode of "Charmed" where the in-love couple were separated because he was an owl and she was a lizzard (or whatever the hell 'day' animal she was) I knew we were in synch. But Collette, a "Staying Alive" reference with a clip....well, I just think I'm meant to do your bidding. And the Chris Penn-"Footloose" honorable mention was certainly not lost on me either. I played your "Staying Alive" clip and at the beginning of that tension-fueled music I too began thrusting my shoulders back and forth, much like Tony Manaro (played by my one true love in life, the fabulous John Travolta. Hallowed by thy name).