Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Dear Annie,

I woke up this morning and thought to myself, "What in the sam hell am I going to talk about on the blog today?" I crawled out of bed, took the dog for a walk, kicked some acorns on the ground, ate an overpriced muffin from Whole Foods, and then stared blankly out the window begging for inspiration to come. Sitting with my chin in my hand, I sighed lazily and scratched at a mosquito bite on my leg. Should I make up something about Lane and Hayden making sweet love to each other last night? Should I write about how Rachel and Brendon have probably sacrificed Matt to some ancient fertility god? Maybe I should talk about how I've hired an Israeli commando named Ziva to blow up the Big Brother house... *sigh* While I waited for the muses to molest me I turned on my laptop to check my email and see what was shakin' on Twitter. Maybe, just maybe, Ragan had made a fabulous pelt out of Enzo's skins or possibly someone somewhere said something stupid and I can call 'em out on it. I loaded my Twitter screen, took a look at the morning tweets, and all of a sudden a slow knowing smile crept across my face. Score! I am suddenly inspired. Let's recap, shall we?

Way back when, in the olden timey days of BB12, I picked my personal favorite for the season. It's a little tradition I do every year and it's not something I take lightly. I base my blog fave purely on pre-interviews and bios. First thing I do is look for telltale signs of douchebaggery and little hints that someone may or may not have an extra chromosome. Those people are immediately crossed off the list never to be considered again. Secondly, I make colorful and complicated flow charts and diagrams. I crunch some numbers, I consult astrologists, and at the end of my laborious research I narrow in on someone whom I feel I can 100% support no matter what. Last year my pick was Lydia and she paid off in spades. Lydia was colorful, hysterical, wore shiny space-like futuristic pants, and called Ass Licker a bipolar tranny. She wasn't scared to speak her mind, dump out someone else's beer, or construct intricate make-out tents in the HOH. Lydia is what all HG's should aspire to be - ENTERTAINING.

For BB12, my task was strenuous and labor intensive. No one person lept off the screen to me like Lydia had. The guys were boring, the gals were typical, and, looking back on it, I should have known then and there that this would be the worst season in Big Brother history. I trudged forward though. I wiped the sweat from my brow, went without showering for days, and smoked cigarette after cigarette as I hurled crumpled bits of unsatisfactory notes about the room. My diet consisted solely of broken pencil bits, post-it's, and Sharpie caps. My hair was a wild tangled mess with paper clips sticking out every which way and thumb tacks embedded into various parts of my skull. The BB12 premiere date was rapidly approaching and I still didn't have my favorite.

It was the day before the premiere and I knew I had to make a decision. Rachel's video was phony and loud. Kathy's voice made my brain bleed. Ragan could either be really likable or really annoying. In the end, I took the safe route and settled on one Miss Annie Whittington. She was personable enough, seemed headstrong, and Chelsia kept saying how much she liked her. I know, I know, what the hell was I thinking agreeing with anything Chelsia thought? So, I picked Annie, gave her a nice little write up, and spent the first 7 days of my recaps defending her. Sure, she could be a little loquacious and didn't know when to shut the hell up, but I thought maybe she was just overexcited at being in the house. True personalities never really emerge until about the 2 week mark so I forgave Annie and chalked it up to early onset Big Brother jitters. Little did I know that Annie was actually the poster girl for insecurity with a doctorate in immaturity.

I've been following Annie on Twitter for several weeks now and it's a lot like what I said the other day about how Ass Licker fans must be so disappointed everyday of their lives. When someone you like or admire turns into a psychotic nutbar, it's only a matter of time before you question them on it or abandon ship. Initially, I turned a blind eye when Annie tweeted some of these gems...

The game is 90% luck and a popularity contest dumbass

(Translation: This game kicked my dumb ass in the nuts!)

If i have to block one more person...

(Translation: No one ever in the history of the entire world is allowed to disagree with me. Fuck off. I hate you all. Why doesn't anyone love me?)

Could the people who go bi-polar writing me horrible messages on eBay get a friggin' life? Don't you get it... I DON'T CARE!!

(Translation: This is really a tweet to get you to look at my eBay auctions. Maybe I'll trick you into bidding on my overpriced sombrero.)

PS obviously I don't need fashion advice from an administrative assistant looking blondie! And some advice, quit flirting while you're engaged.

(Translation: Britney is so much better than me and I hate her! My turtleneck flip-flops are fashion forward. Why doesn't anyone get that??)

It all came to a head this morning when Annie continued to tweet her jealous obsession of Britney. I dared to call her on it and she blocked me. This is how I choose to respond:

Dear Annie,

I went into this season wanting to like you. I supported you from Day 1 and thought your game ended way too soon. Bitchy Blog readers weren't always your fans, but I managed to warm some of them up to the fact that you were probably cool in person. Then, unfortunately, you started to tweet. Bitter jealous insecure tweets about how Britney was still in the game and you weren't. I wondered if maybe Britney had done something horrible to you, but after I saw how you began to block each and every person who dared to disagree with you I knew that deep down inside you're a woman with an extraordinary amout of unresolved issues.

Never has someone been so transparently awful in 140 characters. This morning you went on a little rant about how Britney wanted all girls in the end and how, because she got rid of you, her entire game has suffered. Uh, sweetie pie, the entire house got rid of you not just Britney. Does the fact that Britney is still in the house keep you up nights? Do the miserable failures of your eBay auctions with the obnoxious reserve prices not tell you how the public now perceives you? Does the phrase "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar" not compute? I see how right after I tweeted you you deleted the offensive Britney tweets. That was smart and good on you for doing that. Blocking me and everyone else who saw them and bothered to question your motive, however, was something my 3 year old niece would do. Actually, she'd probably flick off the tweeters and stick her tongue out at them. Blocking them all would be a waste of her time as she actually has shit to do like watch Dora and show off her new sparkly non-turtleneck gold sandals.

Sugar tits, you need to realize that no hardcore BB fan wants to hear running insecure commentary from someone who was evicted from the house in WEEK 1. You had the opportunity of a lifetime being the Saboteur and you blew it because you're an attention hungry gal with very little self-esteem. You had so much potential and you pissed it away by running your mouth. Had you been normal, diplomatic, and radiated a good attitude about the season you wouldn't find yourself bombarded with people questioning your sanity and your angry tweets. Hell, you might have even gotten a bid or two on eBay. Instead, you spend your time obsessing over Britney and blocking anyone who doesn't fawn all over you. It's kind of like watching Neely O'Hara in Valley Of The Dolls spin out of control and turn on the very people who made her famous in the first place. You know what happened to Neely, don't you? She ended up in a Sanitarium screaming incoherantly and scratching at the walls wondering where it all went wrong.

So, Annie, here's what I'm gonna do... I'm going to give you some very valuable advice that could quite possibly make your post-BB life just a tad more enjoyable.

#1 Stop tweeting about how you'd play the game better than all the other HG's combined. You're a crap BB player who blew the chance of a lifetime so, seriously, who wants to hear anything strategic you have to say?

#2 Get over your Britney obsession. You knew her for a week my dear. Spiteful jealous HG's will very quickly find themselves alone and forgotten and, sweet cheeks, you're half way there.

#3 Yelling and blocking your fans and supporters might not be the best idea. Who knows? You might get entire blog posts dedicated to how awful you are in return. Also, did you know that some of your fans have contacted me saying that they were defending you yet you still blocked them? You're making enemies who could have otherwise been your friends!

#4 Be happy and grateful that you had a unique experience that not many people get. Sure, you went out in a blaze of failure, but if you're gracious and pleasant to be around you'll find yourself with a lot of lovely fans willing to follow you on your journey and offer support whenever they can.

#5 Stop trying to be something you're not. You're not a clever snarky wit like some fabulous bloggers are and your jabs at people are neither funny nor true - they're simply catty and malicious. You're also not a notoriously evil villain like Ronnie so stop trying to act like you are. You're simply a person who's mad she didn't get the love (or bids) she wanted so now you're taking it out on your fans.

Look, I'm sorry your game didn't turn out well. I was really truly rooting for you and I was also more than willing to help you get some post BB love from my readers. Instead, like an ornery dog who can't get laid, you pissed all over everything trying to mark territory that doesn't belong to you. You can delete your tweets and block people to your heart's desire, but ask yourself if shutting people out is really the best way to go in life? As an opinionated person, I sometimes get hate messages too. You know what I do? I post them ALL. I never block a comment disagreeing with me or calling me names. I figure if someone has taken the time to write to me, good or bad, then it deserves to be seen. I actually learned that from Alexis Stewart (daughter of Martha). She gets bombarded with vile hateful comments every single day yet she prints them all and gets more readers because of it. Just laugh at the comments. Don't take them personally. Some might be childish and malicious (that comes with the territory when you're a public person), but some might actually contain some good advice. If you make everyone scared to even talk to you, you're going to find yourself awfully alone in this world.

I do wish you the best Annie just please stop acting like a child who didn't get a cookie. It's unbecoming and makes you look, quite frankly, like a monumental douche bag.

Love and other indoor sports,
Colette Lala


  1. And with another successful bitch slapping complete, can we get that delightful sounding narrative about Lane and Hayden tomorrow? As I'm sure no one cares what's going on in the house.

  2. I don't understand all the blocking going on lately...Ronnie blocked a ton of people, me included...people that hadn't attacked him at all!

    You're turns potential fans and friends into enemies. People tend to get real turned off if they are blocked for simply disagreeing with someone!

    All I can think is that someone in Annie's life is blowing smoke up her ass, telling her she's better than Brit...that Brit is the sole reason she was voted out. My question for Annie is this: Where is the hatred and resentment for Hayden...the person who actually nominated you for eviction? I haven't heard a word on her opinion of him.

    Great blog today, Lala...if people IN the house can't dance for us, then at least we have the evicted ones!!!

  3. Yay!!! Needed to be said. I love your smackdowns. Who would have ever thought that Natalie (BB11) would be classier on Twitter than Annie (or anyone else, for that matter)?...

    Based on her bio, I hated her. When I watched her interview, I liked her. I was pulling for her too, the first week. I guess she's mad no one wanted to buy her rotten-mayo stained sombrero. I guess I would be too.

    Deion, I wanna come hang out with you.

  4. It's a shame that this season is such a drag we are resorting to focusing on past houseguests and reading your fairytales of what would make BB12 more entertaining. I guess we will see Annie soon on the reunion show...lucky us. In the meantime, I look forward to more "As The Houseguests Bore" via your Bitchy Blog. Maybe you should send Alison Grodner some scripts for the remainder of the (un)scripted season.

  5. My guess is that she doesn't follow your advice.

  6. Loved your blog! She did the same thing to me this morning. I even tried to apologize for the misunderstanding and she still blocked me. I defended her and all the others that were being trashed without the opportunity to defend themselves. I just don’t get it. I was a fan too. I hated that she got the boot week 1, but now “whatever”. I have better things to than to worry about how I offended her.

    I also agree that this cast is horrible! I’m a HUGE BB fan! I couldn’t be more disappointed…I’m not really rooting for anyone now, just waiting for finale night when all the lies, trashing and bashing are exposed. I can’t wait to see them squirm  I know, it’s mean, but I waited a whole year for this? Ick! Anyway, sorry for blabbing on. Your blog rocks!! Have a great day!!

    (I'm new at the twitter/blog replies, so please forgive me if you get this twice; I'm still learning:)


  7. Love this blog! I haven't really been rooting for anyone since Kristin got booted....but now I am a huge Britney fan! Go get 'em girl!!!! How messed up would that be for Annie and she can't even vote. How a person who got evicted the 1st week in the house can be anything but humble is amazing!


  8. I still don't get why everybody thinks this season is boring. I loved Matt, and made only one mistake (the same on Lane just made (keeping Brit), but I really enjoyed this season. The only 2 I didn't care for Were Rachel and Brendon, but I cancelled Showtime this week, and can't wait for the CBS shows. I salivating waiting for tonite's show, even though I know the outcome. Nicki

  9. Love your writing...I am soooo jealous! I am telling you up front, that dog pissing on shit that ain't his....I am so stealing that line.

    I am also a begrudging (is that a word) Brit fan...I wish I was that smart at 23...little blonde rocks this season. I am on pins and needles waiting to see if Oilman Lane will make my day out kick Haydung out.

    Thanks for the first smile/chuckle of the day Lala, as usual.

    Juanita Diaz

  10. CoLa, read your blog everyday. Just wanted to know if you are going to have another contest like last year? It was a fill in the blank essay regarding the BB afterparty! Just wondring, because I enjoyed entering the contest. By the way? Are you E! News Entertainment's "Ask The Bitch" - it the new column on their website!

  11. Anonymous,

    That's a good idea about another contest. Let me think about it and I'll see what I can come up with.

    No, alas, I'm not Ask The Bitch. I should be though, right?

  12. Ooh this letter is fantastic.. However, I do wish you would have re-capped how Lane put up Hayden instead of Britney as a replacement nom!! I don't have the live feeds this year (first time) and really look to your blog for a feel of what's going on... Don't get me wrong.. I love ya and this blog and really look forward to it everyday.. but today you made me look at other BB websites to find out what happened! I suppose I'll find out tonight on the show CBS's version of how Lane put up Hayden and not Britney.. so far I thought or he's come across at least as a "Bros before Hos" type of guy.. Although I am glad Britney is safe this week.. is there any possibility of Ragan staying? He really needs to work on Britney to work on Lane..

    Thanks for tickling my no-no..

  13. This sounds like war, you will be glad to know that Sausage Fingers is a true blood Scotsman and is off to get his battleaxe. I support the Lala clan, I even have the tattoo.
    Ps. Did I see the word sugartits? all of a sudden I am horny and hungry and stopping off at the market to buy a pound of sugar and a push-up bra for the wifey.

  14. I can't believe Annie blocked YOU of all people! Doesn't she know who you ARE? I bet YOU have more fans than she does. I don't get how someone can WANT to be a public figure (by going on BB) and then start blocking the hardcore fans of that show. Whatever!

    Did you find another leprachaun to sacrifice to keep Ragan? Can we have SOMETHING go right this season? Brit better win HOH & POV. She is the last saving grace of this show. Are you going to go to Vegas Bash this year? Aren't you curious as to what kind of woman is really into Enzo? Thanks for keeping on with the blog... not much time left until we have Survivor, The Amazing Race and Dexter to make BB12 a distant memory.

  15. Incoherant... hmmm, is that an incoherent rant?

  16. YAY LALA!!!! I really don't get Annie. If you tweet something that sounds really bitter and someone deszcribes it as "bitter" how can you get mad at that person. This girl needs serious therapy before she interacts with the public.

    and I would like to add a PS to this..

    P.S You are not a rock star. You are not a celebrity. You have done nothing to achieve any kind of status. Stop acting like you are some uber god who shits on the little people. You are just like the rest of us. SO maybe act like it.

    Its Me. Prettyplainjo.

  17. It's official. BB12 sucks. Did they just show a whole segment of someone CLEANING THE DAMN FRIDGE? Why yes. Yes they did. Someone needs to be fired. Seriously, BB? Get it together for season 13. Please bring on the mentally unstable and confrontational contestants. While I'll hate them the entire time they're on at least they'll be interesting.

    Survivor starts in two weeks. Thank God.

    (And I wouldn't waste any more breath on Annie. In three weeks no one will even remember who she is.)

  18. Your bitchiness level was in rare form today. I loved it. Im a huge fan of a good old fashioned (and much needed) bitch-slap...the poor soul probably didnt know what hit her. You rocked the bitch pendulum today! Okay...I can only kiss ass for so long before I break out in these awful red itchy hives so let me move on. .

    First things first, please tell me that youve come up with a spell/potion to save my boy have, right? You have less than 24 hours...make it happen.

    How about a fill in the blank "Ratings Arent Everything" letter to Allison Grodner? I think the poor woman has lost it.

    I want to hang out with Deion too.


  19. Wow. I loved reading this. What is up with these people going on a reality show seeking fame and then they act like asses to people who could potentially be a fan. Annie needed a good ole verbal bitchslap and Lala delivered. Thanks!

  20. just because we havent seen enough of michele bb11....aka, ass licker....this is something i found...yikes, is all i can at own is vomit inducing if you and everyone here doesnt rock!!! fan-tab-ulous blog writer ever!

  21. You are a bitch and I hate you now. Lets see if you post that one. Britney is horrible and ONLY a horrible person like you would actually like her. You disgust me.
    See ya next season.
    Big Brother 12 was officially over when Brendon was evicted, and now Ragan is leaving...ugh.

  22. I wonder why Annie didn't bring any of this controversy to the show-oh that's right she was evicted the first week. She's lucky to have people to block-I mean to tweet.

  23. So you didn't find an extra leprachaun? Damn!!!! Ragan is gone and now I'm hitting the bottle.

  24. lala, she is so beneath you. you're a rockstar. she's not worthy to be your roadie.

    i loved when ragan yelled "you're the dirtiest" over and over at britney during the live show when she was bitching about how dirty her fellow housemates were (HAHAHA). she seems oblivious to how messy she is herself. he totally called her out and i think it still did not register with her. i have this feeling britney's mom followed her around picking up her trash, while momma's little angel constantly scolded those around her for their messiness. her garbage magically disappeared, why didn't theirs?!?. but you gotta still love brit for her often hilarious while always super quick wit. in between her incessant whining that is. still, unfortunately her roots are threatening to become more interesting than she is at this point.

    enzo screaming his own praises after he won veto almost made me physically ill. but his "shunning" of the penguin suit was funny, i gotta admit.

  25. Brendon was awesome, Britney is a dirty, nasty snizz. I agree with the letter tho Lala, Annie sucks.