I woke up this morning and thought to myself, "What in the sam hell am I going to talk about on the blog today?" I crawled out of bed, took the dog for a walk, kicked some acorns on the ground, ate an overpriced muffin from Whole Foods, and then stared blankly out the window begging for inspiration to come. Sitting with my chin in my hand, I sighed lazily and scratched at a mosquito bite on my leg. Should I make up something about Lane and Hayden making sweet love to each other last night? Should I write about how Rachel and Brendon have probably sacrificed Matt to some ancient fertility god? Maybe I should talk about how I've hired an Israeli commando named Ziva to blow up the Big Brother house... *sigh* While I waited for the muses to molest me I turned on my laptop to check my email and see what was shakin' on Twitter. Maybe, just maybe, Ragan had made a fabulous pelt out of Enzo's skins or possibly someone somewhere said something stupid and I can call 'em out on it. I loaded my Twitter screen, took a look at the morning tweets, and all of a sudden a slow knowing smile crept across my face. Score! I am suddenly inspired. Let's recap, shall we?
Way back when, in the olden timey days of BB12, I picked my personal favorite for the season. It's a little tradition I do every year and it's not something I take lightly. I base my blog fave purely on pre-interviews and CBS.com bios. First thing I do is look for telltale signs of douchebaggery and little hints that someone may or may not have an extra chromosome. Those people are immediately crossed off the list never to be considered again. Secondly, I make colorful and complicated flow charts and diagrams. I crunch some numbers, I consult astrologists, and at the end of my laborious research I narrow in on someone whom I feel I can 100% support no matter what. Last year my pick was Lydia and she paid off in spades. Lydia was colorful, hysterical, wore shiny space-like futuristic pants, and called Ass Licker a bipolar tranny. She wasn't scared to speak her mind, dump out someone else's beer, or construct intricate make-out tents in the HOH. Lydia is what all HG's should aspire to be - ENTERTAINING.
For BB12, my task was strenuous and labor intensive. No one person lept off the screen to me like Lydia had. The guys were boring, the gals were typical, and, looking back on it, I should have known then and there that this would be the worst season in Big Brother history. I trudged forward though. I wiped the sweat from my brow, went without showering for days, and smoked cigarette after cigarette as I hurled crumpled bits of unsatisfactory notes about the room. My diet consisted solely of broken pencil bits, post-it's, and Sharpie caps. My hair was a wild tangled mess with paper clips sticking out every which way and thumb tacks embedded into various parts of my skull. The BB12 premiere date was rapidly approaching and I still didn't have my favorite.
It was the day before the premiere and I knew I had to make a decision. Rachel's video was phony and loud. Kathy's voice made my brain bleed. Ragan could either be really likable or really annoying. In the end, I took the safe route and settled on one Miss Annie Whittington. She was personable enough, seemed headstrong, and Chelsia kept saying how much she liked her. I know, I know, what the hell was I thinking agreeing with anything Chelsia thought? So, I picked Annie, gave her a nice little write up, and spent the first 7 days of my recaps defending her. Sure, she could be a little loquacious and didn't know when to shut the hell up, but I thought maybe she was just overexcited at being in the house. True personalities never really emerge until about the 2 week mark so I forgave Annie and chalked it up to early onset Big Brother jitters. Little did I know that Annie was actually the poster girl for insecurity with a doctorate in immaturity.
I've been following Annie on Twitter for several weeks now and it's a lot like what I said the other day about how Ass Licker fans must be so disappointed everyday of their lives. When someone you like or admire turns into a psychotic nutbar, it's only a matter of time before you question them on it or abandon ship. Initially, I turned a blind eye when Annie tweeted some of these gems...
The game is 90% luck and a popularity contest dumbass
(Translation: This game kicked my dumb ass in the nuts!)
If i have to block one more person...
(Translation: No one ever in the history of the entire world is allowed to disagree with me. Fuck off. I hate you all. Why doesn't anyone love me?)
Could the people who go bi-polar writing me horrible messages on eBay get a friggin' life? Don't you get it... I DON'T CARE!!
(Translation: This is really a tweet to get you to look at my eBay auctions. Maybe I'll trick you into bidding on my overpriced sombrero.)
PS obviously I don't need fashion advice from an administrative assistant looking blondie! And some advice, quit flirting while you're engaged.
(Translation: Britney is so much better than me and I hate her! My turtleneck flip-flops are fashion forward. Why doesn't anyone get that??)
It all came to a head this morning when Annie continued to tweet her jealous obsession of Britney. I dared to call her on it and she blocked me. This is how I choose to respond:
I went into this season wanting to like you. I supported you from Day 1 and thought your game ended way too soon. Bitchy Blog readers weren't always your fans, but I managed to warm some of them up to the fact that you were probably cool in person. Then, unfortunately, you started to tweet. Bitter jealous insecure tweets about how Britney was still in the game and you weren't. I wondered if maybe Britney had done something horrible to you, but after I saw how you began to block each and every person who dared to disagree with you I knew that deep down inside you're a woman with an extraordinary amout of unresolved issues.
Never has someone been so transparently awful in 140 characters. This morning you went on a little rant about how Britney wanted all girls in the end and how, because she got rid of you, her entire game has suffered. Uh, sweetie pie, the entire house got rid of you not just Britney. Does the fact that Britney is still in the house keep you up nights? Do the miserable failures of your eBay auctions with the obnoxious reserve prices not tell you how the public now perceives you? Does the phrase "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar" not compute? I see how right after I tweeted you you deleted the offensive Britney tweets. That was smart and good on you for doing that. Blocking me and everyone else who saw them and bothered to question your motive, however, was something my 3 year old niece would do. Actually, she'd probably flick off the tweeters and stick her tongue out at them. Blocking them all would be a waste of her time as she actually has shit to do like watch Dora and show off her new sparkly non-turtleneck gold sandals.
Sugar tits, you need to realize that no hardcore BB fan wants to hear running insecure commentary from someone who was evicted from the house in WEEK 1. You had the opportunity of a lifetime being the Saboteur and you blew it because you're an attention hungry gal with very little self-esteem. You had so much potential and you pissed it away by running your mouth. Had you been normal, diplomatic, and radiated a good attitude about the season you wouldn't find yourself bombarded with people questioning your sanity and your angry tweets. Hell, you might have even gotten a bid or two on eBay. Instead, you spend your time obsessing over Britney and blocking anyone who doesn't fawn all over you. It's kind of like watching Neely O'Hara in Valley Of The Dolls spin out of control and turn on the very people who made her famous in the first place. You know what happened to Neely, don't you? She ended up in a Sanitarium screaming incoherantly and scratching at the walls wondering where it all went wrong.
So, Annie, here's what I'm gonna do... I'm going to give you some very valuable advice that could quite possibly make your post-BB life just a tad more enjoyable.
#1 Stop tweeting about how you'd play the game better than all the other HG's combined. You're a crap BB player who blew the chance of a lifetime so, seriously, who wants to hear anything strategic you have to say?
#2 Get over your Britney obsession. You knew her for a week my dear. Spiteful jealous HG's will very quickly find themselves alone and forgotten and, sweet cheeks, you're half way there.
#3 Yelling and blocking your fans and supporters might not be the best idea. Who knows? You might get entire blog posts dedicated to how awful you are in return. Also, did you know that some of your fans have contacted me saying that they were defending you yet you still blocked them? You're making enemies who could have otherwise been your friends!
#4 Be happy and grateful that you had a unique experience that not many people get. Sure, you went out in a blaze of failure, but if you're gracious and pleasant to be around you'll find yourself with a lot of lovely fans willing to follow you on your journey and offer support whenever they can.
#5 Stop trying to be something you're not. You're not a clever snarky wit like some fabulous bloggers are and your jabs at people are neither funny nor true - they're simply catty and malicious. You're also not a notoriously evil villain like Ronnie so stop trying to act like you are. You're simply a person who's mad she didn't get the love (or bids) she wanted so now you're taking it out on your fans.
Look, I'm sorry your game didn't turn out well. I was really truly rooting for you and I was also more than willing to help you get some post BB love from my readers. Instead, like an ornery dog who can't get laid, you pissed all over everything trying to mark territory that doesn't belong to you. You can delete your tweets and block people to your heart's desire, but ask yourself if shutting people out is really the best way to go in life? As an opinionated person, I sometimes get hate messages too. You know what I do? I post them ALL. I never block a comment disagreeing with me or calling me names. I figure if someone has taken the time to write to me, good or bad, then it deserves to be seen. I actually learned that from Alexis Stewart (daughter of Martha). She gets bombarded with vile hateful comments every single day yet she prints them all and gets more readers because of it. Just laugh at the comments. Don't take them personally. Some might be childish and malicious (that comes with the territory when you're a public person), but some might actually contain some good advice. If you make everyone scared to even talk to you, you're going to find yourself awfully alone in this world.
I do wish you the best Annie just please stop acting like a child who didn't get a cookie. It's unbecoming and makes you look, quite frankly, like a monumental douche bag.
Love and other indoor sports,