Friday, July 8, 2011

Hide Yo' Dick

Big Brother 13 burst through the door like a beaked nosed red headed harlot with an attitude problem. Crimsons and tangerines, bicycles and surfboards, astroturf and shag... the tacky cheapness of the house enveloped us like a scratchy yet comforting Ikea duvet smelling of beer, Pall Malls and Febreze. The sweet anticipation coupled with the horrifying reality of well, you know, HER struck this little blogger dumb with silence. I mean, I knew she was coming. I knew before the sites new. I knew before the tweeters knew. I knew before everyone knew. I knew it and I squashed it. Sometimes when you squash things - like a creepy crawly bug skittering across the floor - they die. DIE! They die and you flush them down the toilet. That's what should happen, but that's not what did happen. That duck-lipped freak with her fake lashes and her straw extensions soldiered on with a "Guess who's baaaaaack?! It's the dynamic duo!" [insert hyena laugh here] If you want to know the truth, I was prepared to give Rachel a shot. I figured that if Ragan liked her and Chelsia liked her then maybe, just maybe, I could like her. Well, that little experiment ended approximately 2.5 seconds from the moment she opened the door. The smirk, the guffaw, the stench (I'm convinced there's a stench) blackened out any good intentions I ever had and replaced them with a big giant festering ball of hate. It is with that pus filled ball that I bring you today's blog. Let's recap, shall we?

8 shiny fresh faces danced their way into the house so full of hope and promise. It's a pity it wouldn't last. After pairing up into duos (Keith/Porsche, Adam/Dominic, Cassi/Shelly, Lawon/Kahlia) and learning that said duos would indeed be nominated as a couple, a truckload of funsuckers paraded through the front door killing all the hopes and dreams of the innocent newbies. As rumored, Brendon & Rachel, Jeff & Jordan and Dick & Daniele are back. Rachel is still loud and unnerving. Brendon is still feeble and uncharismatic. Jeff is still a giant bore, but now he's also gray and aging poorly. Jordan is still as sharp as a stick of butter. Dick is still wearing the same clothes from 5 years ago only now he's incredibly paunchy and sporting the telltale red face of a guy who just pulled a bender in sequester. That leaves us with Daniele. Not only was she annoyed and bothered by the whole ordeal, but she also refused to speak while in front of her father. Basically, she was the most likable of the bunch. I've never been a fan of Daniele in the past, but five years have gone by. She's more mature now (as displayed by the "silent treatment"). I admire her unflinching willingness to get rid of her father as soon as possible. If there's any returning HG I could root for, it would be Daniele.

Click. Boing. Whoosh! The feeds turn on and we're whisked away to a magical world (the Storage Room) where Porsche is busy telling another woman (Rachel) exactly just how pretty she (Porsche) is. First off honeybuns, if there's one sure way to destroy any sort of radiating beauty and invite the evil naysayers (i.e. me) in, it's to go around talking about how great you are. Secondly, you're all gums babe. Gummy gummy gumdrops - that's what I think when I see your face. I also think of smacking it head on with a golf shoe but that's neither here nor there. You're not the "pretty one" in the house Chevrolet. Cassi is. Get used to it. Surprisingly enough, there actually are a few things we learn from this vapid conversation: 1) Porsche doesn't like Cassi and will nominate her the first chance she gets 2) Porsche and Keith are up for nomination and 3) Rachel's fashion sense is woefully stuck somewhere in between Forever 21 irregulars and Vegas tramp doing the walk of shame. It's almost comforting knowing that some things will never change.

Outside the Storage Room a mystery is unfolding. Apparently, Dick has been missing for quite some time. My first instinct was to check Brendon's hard drive. I'll bet there's lots of dicks to be found there. Burly gruff Adam's first instinct is to check under the pillows in the Living Room. I mean, I guess a dick could fit under there, but I still say the My Documents folder on a Villegas laptop is a better bet. Well, wouldn't you know it? Right there underneath the pillow of one of the nomination chairs lies a pink piece of paper with the word "Dick" on it. Immediately, various HG's blame Adam for planting the paper himself. Rachel wonders if there's a saboteur again while Porsche says over and over again in her mind, "I'm pretty. I'm pretty, right? Who else can I tell I'm pretty?"

Adam tells the HG's in the other room about the pink paper and everyone begins to wonder if it's some sort of clue or merely coincidence. The paper is identified to have come from a shoebox that all of the HG's were given at some point. Dani shrugs her shoulders and doesn't seem to care a fig about where her dad is while Jordan sits ripping her hair out of her head wondering why they don't have a puppy in the house and whether or not Dick is doing his "show" while in the DR. Jordan, my little rack of lamb, if you keep pawing at your hair like that you won't have any left by the end of the season. Adam, on the other hand, is thrilled and do you know why he's thrilled? It turns out Adam suffers from the Matty McDonald disease (no, not jailbird crabs) where he never met a camera he didn't like. I pegged Adam from the start as an annoying yuck-yuck and I'm sticking to it. The DR growls we were introduced to during last night's CBS show are unfortunately a staple from this idiot teddy bear. So is beating on his chest, pointing to his head and addressing "America" more often than is necessary. Now, Adam swears he didn't plant the paper and he even promises to give up bacon and cigarettes for the rest of the week if it's proven he did it, but you have to admit that the timing of it all is really weird. Were the HG's on an outdoor lockdown right before the feeds went up? That's the only way production could have slipped in and placed the paper there intentionally for Dick has been missing for almost 2 hours.

Brendon, Keith and Adam search Dick's things for more clues while Dani holds court in the Tarot Room refusing to give a damn. She says it's all "stupid" and continues to pull her pageboy cap further down her brow. Jeff joins the boys in their search and I'm immediately struck by something. Jeff's looking a little rough, isn't he? Stand him next to Brendon and he's no longer the shower nozzle masturbation material the menopausal women of the world think he is. He's just a normal guy with a fuck-all annoying accent and premature grays. Brendon's a douche, don't get me wrong, but he's quite "pretty" when put in the same room as Jeff.

Soon the "where is Dick?" fascination wanes and Rachel decides the house should play some games. Because, yes, games are so fucking fascinating for us to watch. Rachel wants a fashion show but ultimately they decide on "Find The Difference". It's the same crap they did last season and it's a big ole bucket o' lame.

After "Find The Difference" fizzles, Porsche and Jeff begin to bowl in the kitchen with tiny decorative bushes. Adam, sensing an "On Air" moment crashes the party and growls his way into the game. Dominic and Keith join the party as well while Shelly sits at the counter and grills Jordan about how long it took her to get her prize money from BB11. Jordan replies by counting on her fingers and declaring "Twelveteen days!" She continues by telling Shelly that while the Big Brother cameras never bothered her before, the Amazing Race cameras scared her to death. Apparently, it was stage fright that caused her to perform like a wet noodle with that glazed stoned look on her face and not the enchilada overdose I blamed it on over at the Bitchy Amazing Race Blog. Shelly asks about the contestants on TAR and Jordan replies that they're much more normal than the BB people and aren't very cutthroat at all. One little nugget that actually surprised me was that Jeff & Jordan had to go through the entire TAR casting process just like all the other teams. We also learned that Jeff has an agent while Jordan does not. She just tags along with Jeff to the "gigs" without a care (or a brain cell) in the world. La dee da. The conversation ends with Jordan cramming a giant pickle in her mouth and saying it reminds her of a frog. Ribbit.

The conversation turns to Dick again. Lawon thinks Dick going missing is a twist, Jordan thinks Dick will come back and host a competition and Jeff thinks Colonel Mustard did it in the Living Room. They recap the minutes leading up to Dick's disappearance and from what I can gather: Dick was asleep outside in his bathing suit and t-shirt. He got up to go to the DR and was never heard, or seen, again. Lawon thinks he went into the DR with his bathing suit on, but Jeff thinks he saw the skull bathing suit in Dick's room. They all get up and go investigate. This cracker jack group of investigators is about as effective as Shaggy and Scooby.

Over in the Have-Not room - which looks like Ass Licker's vacation home (a padded cell) - there aren't any clues regarding Dick. Instead we find Cassi ridding Dominic of his unibrow. Keith watches in the background green in envy. Why, oh why, does Dominic get touched by Cassi is such intimate ways? The second Dominic is done, Keith leaps into his place and insists Cassi waxes him next. He has no stray hairs to speak of and looks like he was manscaped right before entering the house, but Keith doesn't care. He wants some lady attention and he wants it now.

Dominic has a brief freak out when he discovers that Cassi has waxed his face with the same tools she used to wax Adam's chest. Apparently, Adam had a bad reaction to it and is now covered in herpe-like sores. He vows to never take his shirt off again for the rest of the season while Dominic (dubbed "Pretty Boy" by Adam") wanders from room to room exclaiming "Ewwwww!" over having herpified tools used on his face. Did I not say this kid was annoying from the get go?

Up until now there hasn't been much of any game talk whatsoever. From what I can gather though, the plan is to get rid of Porsche (yes!) if the nominations stay the same after tomorrow's POV competition. Dominic thinks no one will miss her while Keith is preoccupied with where Kalia's loyalty lies and how unfair it is to have to play against returning HG's. Keith wonders if maybe he should throw the POV competition to ensure that Porsche goes home. Dominic is 100% for the plan which, in turn, throws a huge red flag up in Keith's eyes. Why does Dominic want him to throw the comp so badly? Adam, who seems to dislike Dominic much more than the innocent "Pretty Boy" name calling tells Keith to "fuck Dom" and play his heart out tomorrow.

Meanwhile, Porsche is preoccupied with why BB hasn't told Dani anything about her dad. He's her blood relative and she deserves to know what's going on. Well, maybe in a normal family that would be true, but when your father is the reality equivalent of Michael Lohan, it's not all that strange to secretly wish for his permanent disappearance. Eventually Daniele, perhaps bothered by the other nagging HG's, heads to the Storage Room alone and demands to know where her father is. She emerges without an answer and then bitches to Brenchel about how she doesn't understand why they just don't tell her something. The underlying feeling is that maybe, just maybe, Dick has had a medical emergency. This isn't all that far-fetched. Did you see Dick when he entered the house? He was bloated, red and couldn't even bother to shave for his triumphant return to the game he once dominated. I still maintain he was wasted throughout his entire sequester. Could it be withdrawal from the powdery stuff? Heart palpitations? Beerless tremors? No one knows. Adam is pretty much convinced Dick's dead. He wonders out loud if Daniele would leave the game if Dick had an emergency. On the outside he appears somewhat concerned, but on the inside you know he's thinking "2 down. 11 to go! Grrrrrr!! Rowr!!"

In the end, Dick is gone. He is out of the game. Daniele was called into the DR, the feeds went down and when they came back up it was official. Dick is no longer in Big Brother 13 and Daniele is the bearer of the first Golden Key. Whatever went down it was something big. I can't go into too much detail, but let's just say that the powers that be at Big Brother were scrambling all night trying to figure out how to deal with this mess left by Dick's departure. Personally, I could care less that Dick's gone. I was never a fan and the less bravado in my life, the better. That doesn't change the fact that the mystery still remains. Does it have to do with video below? Or is it because of all those phone calls Dick made as soon as he found out he was going in? You didn't really think he kept this all a secret, did you? An attention whore never passes up an opportunity to brag. Remember that and you'll go far in life. The secret spilling and the video don't add up to a valid reason to have him removed from the game so... until we hear from the man himself, let the speculation begin. Was it a medical emergency? Did Dick throw a tantrum? I'm leaning towards the latter, but what do you guys think? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Evel Dick - Season 13 from Patrick ONeill on Vimeo.

To find out what happened in the house in the wee hours after I passed out (I had every intention of staying up, but a diet of gin and pop-tarts tends to lead to a heavy crash around the 5am hour), I encourage you to check out for the rest of the night's drama. Give me a few days for my schedule to adjust. I was clearly no match for the overwhelming crankiness I felt last night after seeing one Miss Rachel Reilly. Mix that with a half a valium and it's curtains for me.

Or, if you want to want to watch the live feeds yourself, click below and take advantage of the free trial.

Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!


  1. "Outside the Storage Room a mystery is unfolding. Apparently, Dick has been missing for quite some time. My first instinct was to check Brendon's hard drive. I'll bet there's lots of dicks to be found there."

    I've never laughed so hard in my life. BRAVO! Love you and your blog!

  2. Re: Dick's video: Does he live with his grandma? What up with the frilly curtains and knick knacks?

    I'm disappointed that he's gone. He was my first hope at keeping things interesting. People on Twitter are speculating we'll never know what happened. But I'm they'll show us, just like they did with Chima.

    Awesome first blog of the season. Nailed it.

  3. "You're not the "pretty one" in the house Chevrolet. Cassi is. Get used to it."

    I about spit my coffee across the room reading this. Love it!!!

  4. I was hoping to see Dick destroy Rachel this year... I wish he would of taken Dani with him

  5. I too was hoping for a Dick v Rachel.

    Totally rumored but I thought I heard it had to do with Dick's girlfriend?

  6. Yep! Great first blog! This line was the fav: She just tags along with Jeff to the "gigs" without a care (or a brain cell) in the world. LOVED IT! But I do like Jordan, just couldn't spend much time around her and it really isn't her fault, every southern girl that walks the red earth down there acts like that. Wow, am I going to get some shit for that.
    I thought even before the DRs that Adam loves the camera. Just too showy.
    You have a way CoLa! Keep it up please!!!

  7. I haven't heard the girlfriend rumor yet. Could be. But I'd imagine it would have to be something MAJOR to make Dick willingly leave the game. Like if she was injured or something.

    Whatever it is, I'm sure Dick will talk about it openly at some point. He's not one to shy away from inquiring minds.

  8. Hilarious blog! You should be the writer for the zingbot.. or Tracey Morgan, whichever pays more.

  9. If he got booted for breaking a rule, it'll be a BB first. They never enforce the rules unless it means better ratings (right, Chima?).

  10. When I saw that your blog was up, I got so excited that I had sex with my husband. While this may be TMI, it is a huge compliment and he thanks you very much.

    You totally NAILED Rachel's fashion sense.

    I had several LOL moments in this blog and I loved your take on the events. I think it is going to be a good season. I'm a little miffed about the Dick situation, but whatever. I have to hear the story before I really think about it.
    And you were very right about Adam. I liked his pre season interviews, but I was so annoyed by him like 5 mins in.
    None of the returning HGs are really bothering me yet. Actually I like the dyanamic between them, but Porsche........god I hate her. She reminds me of a hybrid of Rachel, Laura from 11 and Jen from 8. (I liked Jen, but she had some bad qualities)
    I look forward to more!!!!!!!!! People who make me laugh are the most important to me.

  11. Aww, my heart is heavy that I don't get to hear about how Dick made Jordan cry. But when he proclaimed himself the only Big Brother winner in the house last night, that was golden. So the noms are null for this week, huh? And now my strike begins. I'll get all my BB news here until the harpy, the dough girl, and the boring boob are out.

    Excellent first day out, Lala.

  12. I do agree on the disturbing gum to tooth ratio of car girl(Porsche ). I don't care about dick either. Although I wish it was Rach,with her kool aid colored hair and cackle was the one leaving.saggy tits McGee is proving to be a disappointment. The general consensus is That nobody likes her. Cassie is growing on me. Kieth is nasty and showed Porsche his penis. Boy did I call that one!

  13. I was wondering if ED was locked in the Diary room with Jessie and hadto call surrender

  14. Yeah cause all southen girls are dumb. And we don't have any teeth, walk around barefoot and have mullets. dumbass.

  15. Good Riddance, Evil Dick! Hope the Cackling-Fake-Boobied-Kool-Aid-Colored-Haired-Loony-Toon & her seriously-dim witted partner are next.

  16. jessjess78,

    Yes, that's EXACTLY what I said. I said that all southern women everywhere are dumb. Your reading comprehension skills are out of this world.

  17. Lol! Hey! My reading skills are excellent. I read your blog! And my humor skills are fully intact. I keep forgetting sarcasm doesn't translate too well over the net. My bad girlie! I was responding to QTs comment. Not your blog.

  18. Ohhh lol. You gotta be specific freak.

  19. Love your blog! Hate the minister guy. Keith? Such a fucking pervert!

  20. Lala! Love you as much as ever! I have imagined what you would have to say in this first blog of the season all day at work. You did not disappoint, can't wait for your thought tommorrow. I am still holding out without the feeds so far but you might be able to talk me into coming back this year. Hugs!

  21. I see porsche has some kind of clit Bonner for Kieth now. Or is she just demented? Is she jealous of "just one of the guys" Cassie? Is she that desperate for male attention, no matter how gross? I can't stand him. All I see is teeth& eyes.:-p

  22. QK, you could not possibly be more wrong if you tried. Actually, wait... you got 2 things right: Yes, we do have some red dirt, and yes, you are gonna get some shit. I was born, raised, and spent most of my life on the south, and I'm nothing like Jordan. Nor do I know anyone who is. Even Lala will agree that I don't sound like Jordan. Unless she just feels like fucking with me, which is entirely possible. I'm not gonna throw a fit over it and I'm not gonna hold it against you, I'm just gonna chalk it up to taking a cheap shot at an easy target. I don't know where you're from, but I'm positive that you have just as many morons there as we have here, if not more. So please get your facts straight before you start talking out of your ass. Kisses.

  23. BTW...what's a clit Bonner??? It sounds fun. Wanna know where I can get one.

  24. I hate to hear ED has left the game, the sheer potential of absolute bedlam with him in the game would have been fabulous!

    And barefootdrunk, just tell that ass to go fuck himself. One characteristic of Southern women that I dearly love is their ability to say the most horrible thing about a person, and then follow up with "bless their heart" and that makes the entire statement sound like they really care about the person. And believe it or not, there's a lot of idiots that actually buy into it being "concern" rather than a total bitch slap.

    Most Southern women (I actually include country girls in the group, they act the same way) are cool in that they're more women than most men can handle, and more man than lots of peckerheads I've known. You give em hell darlin, I got your back! I'm married to a good old country girl, and have loved the hell out of being the guy who she chose for 25 years now.

    But I was really wanting to see the interaction between ED and Adam, when he learned Adam's job. The "stock-boy" digs would have been well worth it.

    This season looks to be interesting, but they lost a lot of truly evil content losing ED.

    I'm kinda rooting for Cassi and Shelly being final 2, and let them battle it out for the cash.

  25. What's with all the junior high games? "What's the difference " ,"would you rather .." seriously? Would you suck on another chicks...even your grandmas used tampon? Maybe you need to take a junior high health class,and learn what menopause is.But alas,Cassie you are a dirty whore! And I like that.;-) Random footwear observation; Lawon I think its cute that you dress like Andy Bernard from the office.But WTF is up with the Crocs?! And Dani I like your Toms I have the same ones in black. They are not just for douchey hipsters. I see Brachel. & Jeff want to "train" Jordan like Mr.Miyagi so she can win HOH. Good luck with that.

  26. I am SOOOO glad I didn't buy the live feeds - BBAD is a train wreck with the 'slap, snap, clap All NIGHT LONG!!! These people are grown 5 yr olds. At least I won't lose much sleep this season. Great blog, Lady LaLa!!

  27. Ok, Ok. I got it. lol I won't bash southern girls anymore. Although I do not get where slammin' someone and then saying "bless their heart" is a good thing. I spent 10 years in SC and I heard that 10K times if I heard it once and it always pissed me off. But, NO, I shouldn't have categorized. I just had bad experiences down there is all. So, my apologies. Friends??? :-0

  28. I would rather listen to the port-a-potty or dirty tampon conversation for 5 hours a day on the live feeds than to hear Brendon talk about how he great he is at all things BB for 2 minutes.

  29. Pat--you are 10 kinds of awesome.

    QK--Of course. Bless your heart. :)

  30. Barefoot: LOL! My heart is blessed. ( That's 10K + 1) Just go with it. :-)

  31. “Big Brother 13 burst through the door like a beaked nosed red headed harlot with an attitude problem…”

    OMG, the first line I read and I burst out laughing. Thank you so much. It’s a rough time around here today and that sure helped.

    I am liking her hair color better this year. Not as brassy a red.

    Is it just me or do Brendon & Jeff look an awful lot alike? I never noticed it till I saw them together.

    I liked Daniele, too. The 'not speaking'. She looked cool & confident. I really disliked her during her season. Maybe this year, things will be different.

    OMG, the games, the games. I can’t stand them. The one good thing about the games is it makes watching BBAD a short experience. I just ff through almost everything.

    Dominic thinks he’s G-d’s gift to BB13. What an annoying kid.

  32. I am SO sad to see ED go! I was definitely hoping for him to put the smackdown on Rachel. Her laugh... her laugh could suffocate baby kittens within a 10km radius.