Thursday Vacay

After a harrowing week of watching my early favorite getting raked over the coals, I'm going to take a much needed day off. In fact, I think Thursdays off might be a new weekly "thing". Wednesdays are typically slow and I rarely fire up the Thursday feeds until after the live show anyways. I'll be back freshly scrubbed and sparkling tomorrow.


Here's all you need to know: Cassi, barring a major miracle from the land of fairies, will be going home tonight. It's sad and it sucks because I really would have liked her to have had a shot. Unfortunately, a horribly jealous crimson haired creature simply couldn't handle the competition and now our fair Cassi must suffer for it. *tear*

Tonight, I want Dominic to win HOH and I want chaos to ensue. It's about time the power shifted in the house and I'd like to be able to call this upcoming week "Rachel's Hell Week". I'll cast my spells if you cast yours. Now, where did I put that toadstool?

Zip It

Young love. Young ooey gooey stick your finger down your throat love. Exasperating, infuriating, hallucinating love. When acid drips tenderly from tongues, it's love! Eyes yellow, zits pulsate, skin crawls and romance is afoot. Long haired freshly scrubbed virgins dance in fields of thorns. Knights in shining armor trip clumsily over their swords. Yet somehow they find each other, rub their skins together and create a love so pungent it burns a hole in the atmosphere. Love isn't always wrapped in tinsel and sprinkled with powdered sugar you know. Sometimes love has gnarly claws and oozes pus. Sometimes it's Satanic and secreting cat intestines. It's all in the flip of the coin of life that determines which one you'll get. Either way, love is beautiful and it is this beauty that I want to talk about today. Let's recap, shall we?

The day began with a fart. A loud gaseous putrid fart. Kalia is awake, my friends, and it's time to grab all the canned goods and freeze-dried apocalyptic meals and head down to our nuclear fall out shelters. Homegirl is hungry and unless we all run and hide forthwith, District 13 will suffer a famine the likes of which no society has ever seen before. Thanks to my extreme couponing, I am also contributing 123 bottles of dish soap and 462 tubes of toothpaste to our stockpile. We should be fine for at least several months. I realize Kalia is an unstoppable beast with an abyss for a stomach but, seriously, how much dish soap can one heifer eat?



With a fart to propel her, Kalia heads to the Storage Room to stick her face into a bag of ham. Dominic enters and the two get to talking. Kalia is thrilled she wasn't nominated this week and says that she, Dominic and Lawon could really could some damage if they wanted to. Damage? *looks around the room* What kind of damage? Soiling the bedsheets kind of damage? Eating some ceramic fruit because you thought they were real kind of damage? What is this damage you speak of Kalia? The damage Kalia is referring to is a flimsy sort of a scotch-taped together Newbie alliance. They've been in the house for weeks and now, today, they decide that a Newbie alliance might not be that bad of an idea. Dominic insists he'll have no problem nominating Brendon & Rachel while Kalia insists that the pepperjack brick of cheese she just ate is about to eek out of her butthole. It's a conversation that leads nowhere, accomplishes nothing and leaves behind a stench so powerful it'll burn your eyelashes off.




Trudging on... Brendon is cooking up some slop confit and Rachel kids that Brendon must not love her because he hasn't prepared her a bowl as well. Well, by the way Brendon reacted you would have thought Rachel had pointed and said, "Penis boy! Penis boy! You're a skanky penis boy!" But no, all she wanted was some slop. For some reason, this made Brendon furious and thus begins fight #2065. Brendon scolds Rachel for being too emotional and affectionate in front of the other Houseguests. Rachel whines and says Brendon is overreacting. Brendon insists he's not trying to control her and round and round and round we go. Meanwhile, in the other room, an innocent pot of slops begins to burn.



The young lovers take their squabble outside so as not to alert the rest of the house that something is amiss. Rachel begins by saying that she won't hang out with Dominic anymore. I have no idea how Dominic got into this conversation, but let's just roll with it. There's a lot of shit we won't understand, but that doesn't mean it's not fun to watch or relive. Brendon says that all of the events of this past week have put huge targets on their back and Rachel is pretty much to blame for all of it. Typically, Rachel resonds with a whimper and a whine, but today Big Red responded with, "I'm fucking pissed off right now! You're being such an asshole!" *bites fist and reaches for a bowl of glitter* She continues her tongue lashing telling Brendon to stop controlling her and "You're not my father!" *dips one booby into the bowl* Wide-eyed and lurching, Brendon tells her to keep her voice down. Just at that moment, Shelly sauntered out with a cig hanging from her lips and a jaunty strut. Brendon grabbed his harlot by the hair and inside they head into the Tarot Room.



Immediately, Brendon tells Rachel never to call him an asshole again. It's not befitting a pretend doctor like him. It affects his research and his career will vanish into thin air if she keeps calling him names like that. Rachel replies saying that Brendon has essentially ended their relatioship because he didn't make her some slop. Well, that infuriates Brendon and he clenches his fist and punches the air. He didn't punch Rachel. He wasn't going to punch Rachel. He just punched the air. I saw a lot of people getting upset that he was about to beat her up or something, but that's simply not true. He emotionally abuses her and she emotionally abuses him. It's very tit for tat with these two. They have the uncanny ability of sucking the life from one another and turning each other into the most vile representations of themselves. Clearly, they get off on it so let them have their fun and let me continue to watch it all play out.


So, Brendon punches the air and then threatens to leave the game. He doesn't care anymore. He'll throw HOH's. He'll leave. He'll stop playing his "social game". Basically, he's a baby not getting it's way. He's hurling his binky across the room and tossing his oatmeal on the floor. Rachel takes one look at him and calls him a psycho. Uh oh. Brendon likes the word "psycho" about as much as he likes the word "asshole". You don't call Brendon a psycho! Rachel scoffs and tells him, "You're the worst fighter." *giggles* Brendon replies with "Stop it! Keep your voice down." And thus begins the "Shhhh" part of the fight.

Apparently, Brendon has very delicate eardrums. The sound of a feather falling or a fairy burping is like a sonic boom to one Mr. Brendon Villegas. His dainty ears simply can't take the noise and this is a little taste of what the conversation morphed into:




Miraculously, this clusterfuck turns into some game talk. Rachel thinks that Jeff & Jordan are going to turn against them. Brendon tells Rachel to keep her voice down and then insists that they're not. Rachel burbles and Brendon tells her she needs to change her attitude about the game. Rachel calls him stupid and says her attitude is fine. She'll just win all the competitions from here on out and there will be no problems. She gets up and tries to leave, but Brendon won't let her. He wants to straighten this out before they part in anger. Rachel sighs and says they're the biggest targets in the game because everyone is scared of them. Brendon freaks out because she's simply not "shushing" enough. Shhhh! Shh a'shh shh a'shh a'shh. Rachel replies with, "You're so ridiculous." Brendon responds, "Shhh." Rachel replies, "You're so insensitive!" Brendon says, "Shhhh!!!! Keeeeeeep your voice down!!" Then Rachel smacked him across the face with her lizard tongue. Seriously, this shit went back and forth and back and forth for an eternity.



The worst part about the fight was the ending. The tongue wrestling ending. My headphones echoed with slurps and gropes. My ovaries crawled up into my esophagus and I knew I'd never procreate... ever. The low moans, the little wriggles... *gag* Hands searching over bodies, eyes clenched shut, tongues probing. I'm never eating again. Hey Kalia, you hungry? Here, have my fridge. Help yourself to my pantry as well. I don't need them anymore. I've decided to live off of air and hope. Hope that I'll never allow myself to sit through another Brenchel make out session for as long as I live.



After a thorough scrubbing of my eyeballs, I was able to catch a conversation with Cassi & Shelly. Apparently, Dick told Shelly to watch out for Cassi and that Cassi was up in the HOH all that first week working on getting a Golden Key. I don't believe it. Shelly doesn't believe it. And, Cassi was pissed. She wonders if Dick saw a chink in her relationship with Rachel from the very beginning and then set out to utilize it to his advantage. It's possible, but I guess we'll never know. Cassi swears to Shelly repeatedly that she wasn't doing what Dick said she was doing. Shelly is totally cool about it and says she never believed Dick in the first place.







In between bites, Kalia found some time in her busy day to bitch about Cassi. She's sick of Cassi going around saying that she played with integrity and then she promptly tells Daniele everything Cassi has ever said about anything. Kalia is so far up the Oldies asses, it's unreal. She's ratted out Lawon, Dominic, Adam, Cassi, Shelly, the alternates, those of you thinking of applying... everyone. Kalia likes to run her mouth almost as much as she likes to eat. I can't stand this girl and the sooner she's out of the house, the happier I'll be.

Checking in with Jeff & Jordan, we find a little paranoia. Jordan thinks that Rachel is beginning to turn on them and I wonder WHY THE HELL SHE COULDN'T FIGURE THIS OUT SOONER! Of course Rachel wants to get rid of her! Brendon & Rachel are already fuming that Jeff has America's Favorite in the bag. You don't really think they'll let Jordan sneak to the end again with her sweet Southern Belle routine, do you? Brendon & Rachel are the polar opposites of Jeff & Jordan. They're intense, strategic, prepared and hate, more than anything, to see people who don't "deserve" to be in the game stay in the game for long periods of time.



Jordan checks in with Rachel in the HOH and I'm not sure what Jordan expected to hear, but Rachel basically told her what she wanted to hear. "Of course I'm not after you. Of course we'll fight to the end together. I haven't said a word about Jeff. Yes Jordan, you're just being paranoid." Jordan seemed pleased with that explanation and that was that. They'll stick to their plan and Rachel assures Jordan that she won't be separated from Jeff before Jury. Final four all the way baby! Yeah, rrrrrright.

Dear Baby Jesus in heaven, Please have Rachel evict Jeff from the house the week before Jury starts. Thank you. Amen.

And that's where I'll end this today. How long do you think it'll take before the Oldies implode? Have you hidden your rations safely from Kalia? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Puppet Master Fairy Killer

The black hole. A region of space in which nothing can escape, not even light. The black hole continues to grow and absorb all of the matter around it. Suck, suck, suck goes the vacuum. Poof, poof, poof goes life. Nothing can exist inside of a black hole. When objects enter they lose all of their recognizable features and are lost forever to the ouside observer. I submit, dear readers, that Jordan Lloyd's brain is an infinite black hole of oblivion - thoughts and ideas go in and nothing but gas and interstellar dust come out. Little burbles of idiocy. Hiccups of insanity. Imbecilic farts. Jordan isn't playing Big Brother for Jordan. She's playing for Rachel Reilly, the merciless leader of the underworld. So when Ms. Really gnarls Jordan's head free from her body, I'll be here watching... with a gin fizzy in my hand. Let's recap, shall we?



We're going to continue our tale of woe up in the HOH room where Cassi, Shelly and Jordan are having a meeting about nominations. Jordan is essentially telling Cassi that her hands are tied and that Cassi will be going on the block. First off, no Jordan. Your hands are not tied. Your brain stem might be - in a complicated nautical sort of a knot - but your hands surely aren't. Stop saying you want Cassi to stay and just go ahead and make Cassi stay. YOU have the power princess. If Brendon & Rachel scare you so goddamn much, then put up Kalia and Lawon and start building your own alliance. While getting out Brendon or Rachel would be a killer move that will forever change the face of the game, I'm happy to settle for the less appealing option #2 of Kalia and Lawon. Sure, I like Cassi and I want her stay, but what disappoints me the most is how you're letting Rachel run your HOH. Yes, my little butter ball, you are not HOH anymore. Rachel is. Isn't that miraculous?! For two weeks in a row Rachel has dictated every move the house has made. Congratulations Jordan! It takes a special sort of girl to have someone you hate constantly yanking at your puppet strings.



So the conversation in the HOH is everything we've already heard before... over and over again. Jordan wants Cassi to stay. She likes Cassi. She really wanted Dominic out. All the girls are jealous of Cassi. She really likes having Cassi around. Cassi is so pretty, but that's not the reason she's going on the block (Yes it is! It's Rachel's reason!). Cassi starts to tear up. She tells Jordan that she didn't even get a chance to play in the POV. Jordan feels bad. Shelly scratches her balls. And round and round we go.

Eventually, the topic of Kalia and Lawon come up. Jordan's reason for not wanting to put them up is because "they're not good" in competitions. That's it. That's all she can come up with. Cassi retorts by asking Jordan what would happen if the tables were turned. What if Rachel was HOH right now and, let's say, Jordan wanted someone out of the house? Would Rachel listen to her and do her bidding? Jordan says no and then begins to play with her hair. Cassi just perfectly illustrated how Rachel is controlling Jordan's every move and Jordan just doesn't get it. She'll never get it. Having a brain of marshmallow fluff doesn't leave one with much to work with.



Now, I'm not entirely biased here. Cassi should have pushed harder. If the Brendon & Rachel thing is definitely not an option for Jordan, then Cassi (and Shelly) needed to push and push and push for Kalia & Lawon to go on the block. Throwing in one sentence or one suggestion doesn't work with Jordan. Like I said in my opening paragraph, Jordan is a black hole of idiocy. You've got to rinse and repeat with this one. You've got to keep talking and talking and use a lot of one syllable words that are easy for her to digest. Cassi never once brought up forming an alliance with Jeff & Jordan. All she said was that if she stays and wins HOH, then she'll be going after Rachel. That's all fine and good, but how does that help Jordan? I realize Cassi has only seen DVD's of the CBS show, but I wish she understood the art of the deal a little better.

Cassi & Shelly leave and Jeff enters. Jordan recaps the entire conversation for Jeff and he genuiniely feels bad for Cassi. He's proud of Jordan for handling the conversation all on her own, but he's also furious that Cassi has to go home while Rachel gets to keep her lapdog Porsche. UGHHHH!!!! Watching these two talk is like watching an Abbot & Costello routine. Jeff wants Cassi like Rachel wanted Porsche. Well then, JUST DO IT. Keep Cassi, get rid of Kalia or Lawon and there you go. The Oldies alliance won't implode. Sure, Rachel will be pissed off, but when is Rachel not pissed off? I'm completely floored that these two are letting the one person, whom they both loathe by the way, run their HOH. Why not just let Rachel wash Jeff's balls, Jordan? You're letting her run everything else in your life. Your "boyfriend" is the next logical step.



Next, Rachel enters. Wearing a muumuu, a giant straw hat and Envy by Gucci, she sashays in and innocently asks what's up. Shut up. Shut. Up. You want to know what's up? You're getting everything you ever wanted. That's what's up. You've got a crouton for an HOH and the entire house is scared of you. And as jealousy always brings out the inner heinous in someone, you're looking pretty rough this week Maude. Pasty, sallow, covered in zits. You're the personification of the hatred that resides within.



Rachel leaves and now it's Dominic's turn. After a failed attempt to murder Dominic, Jeff & Jordan ask him what he would do if he was in their shoes. Dominic says he'd split up Brendon & Rachel sooner than later, but at the same time he doesn't really seem all that concerned with Cassi leaving the house. He's more concerned with Adam winning future quizzes. They discuss how much they hate Porsche and that as soon as the Golden Keys are over, she needs to be the first one out so she doesn't go to Jury. The conversation ends with Dominic agreeing to put Kalia & Lawon on the block if he wins HOH. If they win a POV, he'll then put up Brendon & Rachel. I hope he's lying. I hope he puts up or backdoors Jeff & Jordan. They deserve it for the colossal fuck up they're making this week.



As the evening progresses, the angrier Cassi gets. She calls Rachel a "firecrotch" (unfortunately not to her face) and toys with the idea of making Rachel cry before she leaves the house. Her blood begins to boil and feedsters knew that something miraculous was about to happen. It's what we live for - the fights. Lovely, beautious, extension yanking, insult hurling fights. When the Houseguests finally let down their guards and let it rip, it's as if a dainty little fairy sits on your lap and giggles. She's delicate and perfect and the fact that she loves to see the spit fly as much as you do makes you want invent tiny little posies to lay upon her head. I'm going to name my new fairy friend, Nettle Rainbowtree because that's what the Fairy Name Generator said my fairy name should be and who am I to question science?



So there Nettle Rainbowtree and I sat when Cassi and Rachel met in the Have-Not Room to have a little talk. Rachel is angry that Cassi said shit about Porsche - which as we all saw last night on the CBS show is a TOTAL LIE. Cassi didn't say a damn thing about Porsche. Rachel was just looking for ammunition and since she couldn't find any, she made some up instead. Cassi tells Rachel that she's never lied to her and the second she sees the footage from the house she'll finally understand just how wrong she was about everything. Rachel then proceeds to call Cassi both a ringleader and a floater. Now, I'm not a wizard or a doctor, but how can that be? How can someone be both a floater and a ringleader? My basement laboratory is rudimentary at best, but the floater/ringleader equations keep equaling "cow dung".



Rachel continues to hurl accusations at Cassi. Silly, baseless accusations that amount to nothing more than an ugly girl hating her station in life. She addresses Cassi as "you guys" and Cassi asks, "Who's 'you guys'? I'm playing for myself." Rachel licks her face with her lizard tongue and replies, "Well, you're acting like you're 12!" Cassi just sort of smirks as the realization that she's arguing with a couch cushion becomes clearer and clearer to her. Rachel continues by accusing Cassi of kissing Jordan's ass the second she became HOH. Cassi says she's been friendly with Jordan all along. Rachel then saw a fly buzzing in the corner of the room and ate it.

Cassi switches gears a little bit and goes in for the kill. She tells Rachel that the others in the house are saying that Rachel has a difficult time getting along with females. Nettle Rainbowtree erupted into a high pitched giggle fest and I had to cover her mouth with piece of dental floss so I could hear what was going on. Rachel gasped and sputtered and finally spewed out, "You just insulted my character!" That did it. The idea that Rachel has "character" coupled with the fact that I tied the floss a little too tight killed my precious Nettle Rainbowtree. She just sort of spontaneously combusted and now all that's left it a tiny pink spot of glitter dust on my pants. Damn you Rachel Reilly. You'll burn in hell for that.



The conversation ends with Cassi walking out on Rachel because trying to talk to Rachel is like talking to a curtain rod. It's a gigantic waste of time. Rachel, on the other hand, changes her clothes, puts on her crying face and marches up to the HOH to bawl about that manipulative bitch Cassi. *smiles to self* Cassi-1, Rachel-0. Remember how Cassi said she wanted to make Rachel cry before she left the house. Well, voila! Mission accomplished.



Rachel went to the HOH seeking sympathy and understanding. Instead she got reprimanded by Jordan (of all people) for her behavior in the house. Jordan tells Rachel that she can't keep acting bitchy, she can't keep getting emotional and that she's jeopardizing everyone's alliances in the house. Rachel moans and says, "But Cassi wants to backdoor you!" Lies, lies, all lies. Jordan continues telling Rachel how important it is for her to keep her shit together and Rachel continues to snot about Cassi saying shit about Porsche. Again, curtain rod. Completely useless. The conversation continues it's nauseating back and forth scold/whine/scold/whine. Rachel whimpers that she's always the villain. The ghost of Nettle Rainbowtree threw a tiny tomato at the screen and nothing was really ever accomplished. The only reprieve we got was when Daniele entered, saw Rachel crying and said in an exasperated voice, "What's wrong now?"



Meanwhile, outside Cassi is recapping a much more accurate version of the Rachel convo with Jeff. Cassi says she knows that she's going home, but it sucks that someone as ugly on the inside as Rachel gets to stay in the house. Jeff says that nothing is decided yet. Cassi replies, "I think I just sealed it." Jeff responds, "You could have just saved it." Right there is where Cassi should have made her case again and pushed Jeff to not let someone like Rachel get her way. Getting Jeff & Jordan to put up Brendon & Rachel might be futile at this point, but the Kalia/Lawon option is still a card Cassi can play. She needs to keep pushing and pushing Jeff & Jordan to not let Rachel dictate their HOH. Time is running out unless a miracle happens, Rachel will get her way again just like she did with Kristen. The beast needs to be stopped! Why don't these numbskulls see that?

So, that's where we're at. It looks like Shelly & Cassi will be nominated today and unless Shelly has sex with Brendon in the next 72 hours, Cassi will be going home. It's a pity Jordan can't think for herself. I would have given her a break had she shown some chutzpah and not let Rachel be HOH. At this rate, Rachel will be HOH until the end of time. Good luck with that Houseguests. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Kill, Kill, Kill!

The great American Philosopher Heidi Montag once said, "He who refuses to embrace a unique opportunity loses the prize as surely as if he had failed." And it's opportunity that I want to talk to all of you good people about today. Opportunities are fleeting little flecks of beautious goodness that float in and out of our lives. We never know when one will present itself and we never know how long it'll last. All we do know is that you've got to grab it by the balls, wrap your legs around it and then hump it like there's no tomorrow. Miracle upon miracles, Jeff and Jordan have found themselves with the Hope Diamond of opportunities nestled cozily right in the middle of their dimwitted little laps. Will they stare at it wide-eyed while scratching their heads? Will Jordan try to eat it? Will Jeff call it a pedophile? *shrugs shoulders* I have no idea, but why don't we try to figure it all out together? Let's recap, shall we?

The day began with a game of chance. Actually, let me rephrase that... The day began with a completely rigged bowl of fuckery. Adam & Dominic are up for nomination and now it's time to pick players for the POV competition. Since they're nominated, Adam & Dominic will play. Since they're HOH, Jeff & Jordan will play. And since the bag was only filled with the names of one duo, Brendon & Rachel will also be playing. Conspiracy theories have always surrounded the POV name picking ceremony and here's why: For god knows what reason, the house is not allowed to ensure that all of the names are really in the bag. It is a rule that the HOH cannot look inside the bag. Now, ask yourselves why this is a rule. What's the big friggin' deal with double checking that everyone has a fair and equal chance in playing in the competition? I move that CBS make "The checking of the bag" part of the name picking ceremony. It's simple, effective and would quell any rumors of shenanigans on the part of the producers. All the HOH has to do is walk out with the bag, dump the bag out on the living room table, assure that all the names are present, put the names back into the bag, shake the bag and then pick. Voila! Problem solved.



So Brendon & Rachel are playing in the POV comp and Kalia is completely fine with this. She'd rather fall asleep with an ice cream cone in her hand anyways. Playing in a competition means getting up, changing out of the sweatshirt covered in potato chip crumbs, combing her hair and burning a calorie or two. Lest you think I'm being harsh, all Kalia does in this house is eat and sleep. Oh, and fart. She farts too. She's a gem, isn't she? Carrie Bradshaw indeed! So while Kalia plans her next nap, Rachel gets busy plotting and scheming in the HOH with all the other Oldies. She wonders if Adam will still throw the competition. She wonders if the comp will be for couples. She wonders why the hell Cassi is so much prettier than she is. Everything, and I mean everything, out of Rachel's mouth always comes back to Cassi. Cassi this and Cassi that. "Cassi's such a bitch", "Cassi doesn't like women", "Cassi's such a victim", "Cassi, Cassi, Cassi!" Jeff flat out doesn't understand Rachel's fuss over Cassi. It shouldn't matter to Rachel if he and Jordan happen to like her. They're allowed to talk to her if they want to. Brendon intervenes, yet again, and tells his harlot to reel it in and stop playing so emotional. Rachel whines in response and then eats her own face.



Forlorn and faceless, Rachel retreats to the Starburst room with Daniele in tow. Whisper, whisper, whisper... what if Rachel lets Adam & Dominic win the POV and forces Jeff & Jordan's hand into backdooring Cassi? Or maybe she should just win the POV herself and remove them from the block? It doesn't matter who does it or how it happens, all that matters is that Jeff dared to disagree with her, Cassi is way prettier and now all of them must pay. Daniele likes the plan, probably because it protects Dominic, and encourages Rachel to go forward with it. They can't stand that Jeff & Jordan get along with Cassi and Rachel suspects that Jeff will, one day, try to actually evict Brendon. Umm DUH. One day everyone will try to evict everyone! That's why it's called Big Brother you trollop.


Some time passes with general chitchat and whatnot, but it's clear that Rachel only has one thing on her mind: THAT BITCH CASSI! Rachel pulls Brendon into the Storage Room and pitches her plan to wipe that bitch Cassi off the face of the Earth once and for all. She uses Jeff's shortness with her as the reason, but I think you and I all know the real reason: THAT BITCH CASSI IS SO FUCKING PRETTY!!! That last sentence there is what runs through Rachel's head on a constant loop. It haunts her days and nights. It dances around her dreams. Its written on the inside of her eyelids. Brendon seems a little reluctant with the plan and flat out refuses to throw the competition. He warns Rachel again about her emotions and cautions that she keeps her thoughts about Jeff to herself. She is to never, under any circumstances, let Jeff & Jordan know that they are making plans that don't include them. Rachel tries to scrape the THAT BITCH CASSI IS SO FUCKING PRETTY from the inside of her skull and agrees.


The Feeds go down and for the first time in my life I found myself wishing that Jeff & Jordan would win, but since the world never spins in my direction: Adam & Dominic have won the POV. Shiiiiiiiiit. *whines and kicks a random squirrel* But I don't waaaaant Cassi to leave. I don't care that she's pretty. All I care about is Rachel not getting her way. Rachel, Rachel, Rachel!



Up in the HOH room, Jeff is doing a "Rachel, Rachel, Rachel!" of his own. Apparently, one Ms. Rachel Reilly said some shit to Jordan during the POV and wouldn't shut up with her "Go Brendon! Come on baby! You can do it Brendon!" throughout the competition. And now, Jeff is dropping f-bombs like me on a Tuesday afternoon. "Fuck her", "Who the fuck does she think she is?", "I fucking can't stand her", etc, etc. He's livid that Rachel always has to be the center of attention. He can't understand why she can't conduct herself like human being. Jordan chimes in saying that Rachel wants America to like her, but that she's doing the exact same stuff she did last season. Not only are these two furious with Rachel's tomfoolery, but they don't really want Cassi to leave. Cassi is a nice girl. Jordan gets along with her and thinks that maybe they can work together as the game progresses. Jeff is bummed out as well. Shelly & Cassi would be very valuable to have on their side when all the Golden Key business is done with.


Well, I have a solution to everyone's problems. Let Adam & Dominic remove themselves from the block and then PUT BRENDON & RACHEL UP IN THEIR PLACE you ninnies! This is a no brainer. It's a game changer. Who knows when the house will get the opportunity to backdoor Rachel again? Jeff & Jordan need to spend the next 24 hours making alliances with every person in the house by offering to get rid of Rachel for everyone. No one likes her. Everyone is scared of her. Having Rachel gone makes everyone else's game a tad bit more promising. Shelly, Cassi, Dominic, Adam, Lawon and Kalia all hate Rachel. I know I give Jordan a hard time about not playing the game, but this is her opportunity to kick a little ass. There is no way in hell that Jeff & Jordan can beat Brendon & Rachel in future competitions. They will always be crippled by Brenchel's presence in the game. Jeff & Jordan have a good thing going with Shelly & Cassi right now. Dominic's target has always been Rachel. Bring all these people together and let's get a game going here folks!

Another option, which will never happen, is to have the Newbies band together and all vote Shelly out instead of Cassi. There is no reason why Kalia's tongue should be so far up the Oldies asses. The same goes for Adam. The Newbies can get some of their numbers back if they vote Shelly out and send a crystal clear message to the Oldies that they're not playing around. If they can't cut off the head of the dragon (Rachel, Brendon, Jeff, Jordan), then they should be plotting for ways to at least maim it or something. Jeff & Jordan have Shelly in their back pocket and it doesn't take a savvy player to figure that out. Shelly worships those two and hasn't been the least bit secretive about it. Her vote from last week may still be a mystery to the others, but her glaring allegiance to Jeff & Jordan is no secret at all.



So while Jeff & Jordan are up in the HOH bitching about Rachel yet not realizing the golden opportunity they've been handed, Brendon is once again scolding his harlot. Whatever Rachel said to Jordan during the POV competition was insensitive and rude leaving Brendon with another damage control challenge. He tells her she can't be saying the shit she's saying and acting the way she's acting. He can't be policing her every second of everyday. Her social game sucks and it's beginning to become a real problem. Daniele enters and immediately says to Rachel, "You have to stop it! You're fucking up your social game!" Rachel sits stone faced thinking, "Cassi, Cassi, kill Cassi." and eventually agrees to apologize to Jordan later.



Up in the HOH Jeff & Jordan are talking to Shelly about the possibility of her and Cassi going up on the block. Shelly understands and says that if Cassi goes home, then they should work on trying to bring Dominic into the fold since his only target has always been Rachel. Bitch, just say what you need to say! Tell those two blockheads to put up Brendon & Rachel and then get to work on organizing a new and improved alliance with Dom, Cassi, Lawon, Jeff, Jordan and yourself. Christ, even Adam would join that group! The complacency of these morons is unbelievable.

They talk about how Cassi really does like Jeff & Jordan and it's a shame that she may have to go home now. Jeff chimes in about how resentful he is that he's been making deals protecting Brenchel all this time when apparently they've only been making deals protecting themselves. Plus, as a result of the POV competition, Rachel is now on slop for 2 weeks and Jeff is dreading having to deal with her martyr bullshit about taking the slop option in a game she didn't even win. Oh my god, this is so frustrating! Put her up, put her up, put her up! I can't tell if Jeff is simply dancing around the issue or is truly genuinely stupid enough to let this opportunity pass him by. Is it laziness? Is it dimwittedness? Is it a lack of education? If they hate Rachel so much, if they know she's a huge threat, if they truly want to play the game with "integrity" then cut the bitch loose and go down in history. Just do it!



Shelly leaves, Cassi enters and the atmosphere is all kinds of awkward. Cassi knows she's in deep shit, Jordan is devastated and Jeff is still mad about Rachel's existence in the world. Cassi tells Jeff & Jordan that she's completely onboard with whatever they want to do because they're playing the game exactly how she wants to play the game. They don't get sucked in by the petty bullshit and she thinks they're genuinely good people. She leaves the room quickly and Jordan says, "I don't want to get rid of her." She's visibly upset and wonders if there's another option. Why yes, you lump of vapidness, there is another option. As of matter of fact, there are two options. Option #1: Get rid of Rachel. Option #2: Put up Kalia & Lawon and keep Cassi in your alliance.



Before any decisions can actually be made, Big Red comes barging through the door to apologize to Jordan. Jordan says she didn't even hear the remark and that it was Jeff who was upset about it. Jeff tells Rachel that when she does the shit she does, they all have to deal with the repercussions. And now they have to deal with Brenchel being on slop for two weeks - for nothing. Brendon assures Jeff that slop won't bother them and Rachel says she needs to be on a diet anyways for her wedding that's never going to happen.





The night continues with little else to report on in the way of Jeff & Jordan actually, you know, playing the game. Shelly delights everyone with her tales of how to skin a mule deer and a strange homeless lady eats enough to feed a small village.


If Jeff & Jordan don't do what they need to do to save Cassi and build a strong alliance, then they deserve to be evicted by none other than Brendon & Rachel. Stupidity should never rewarded so I say, the hell with them. Maybe a miracle will happen today. I have no idea. Until then, comment it out bitches and have a great day!


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Pile Of Poop

Girls, girls. Catty, ridiculous, jealous girls. There's an entire legion of petty girls who walk the planet and Rachel Reilly is their Commander In Chief. Narcissistic and average with a heaping tablespoon of insecurity, Rachel roams the Earth looking for more likable, prettier girls to squash with her wrinkly talons. She did it with Kristen and now she's doing it all over again with Cassi. There will always be prettier girls. There will always be more talented girls. Most of them, if not all of them, don't give a shit that Rachel Reilly exists cowering in her corner of self-loathing waiting to strike. They're busy being successful. I think it was Kelly Bensimon who said, "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands in times of challenge and controversy." Well, Rachel Reilly stands in a big ole pile of poop and that Kelly Bensimon is one smart lady. Let's recap, shall we?



We'll start this here little bloggy blog with the Have/Have-Not competition. Apparently, it was violent and dangerous as everyone returned looking tore up from the floor up like an Ass Licker on a Friday morning. HG's were examining bruises, clutching their heads and carefully bandaging the burns on their knees. The word on the street is that Rachel puked during the competition and that the players might have been piggy-backed in some way. There was a lot of talk about whether it was better strategy to have the heavier person in the front or in the back. Anyhow, Shelly, Cassi, Dominic and Adam are all Have-Not's. Rachel & Brendon won the competition and, from what I can gather, Brendon may have been able to assign who was a Have-Not. Cassi was unthrilled that even though she and Shelly beat Lawon & Kalia, they were still chosen to be Have-Not's. As for America's Vote, you guys (not me because I never vote for this crap) voted to give the HG's Jellybeans and Jerky. I can't remember what the other choices were, but Jellybeans and Jerky doesn't sound all that bad.



After the washing up was done and the knees were bandaged, it was time for some last minute campaigning before nominations. My favorite conversation had to be between Dominic and Jeff & Jordan. Sitting in the HOH, Dominic lays out every single thought he's ever had in the game up until now. He tells Jeff & Jordan that his real target is Brendon & Rachel and that he knows he's the one everyone is after to get out of the house. Jeff sorts of laughs to himself and says, "You're not the number one target." Instead of being relieved upon hearing this, Dominic is angry and annoyed. He demands to know why he's not the number one target and then cites all the reasons that he should be the number one target. Look, Dominic is an idiot. The way he talks to people and his undeserved arrogance rubs everyone the wrong way and makes him not only untrustworthy, but a little creepy. This kid saw some DVD's of some seasons of Big Brother in his hotel room and now he thinks he has all the answers. He had no idea who Dick was yet he's worked out all the intricacies of Big Brother. Rrrrrrright.

Cassi is called in next and Jordan tells her right off the bat that everyone is throwing her under the bus. Cassi doesn't understand why as all she wants to do is play the game honestly and forego the petty squabbles. Jeff wants to know where Cassi's head is at and she tells them that neither Jeff or Jordan have ever been her targets. Down the line, she'd like to see Brendon and Rachel go because they're intimidating and everyone is scared of them. She doesn't think anyone has the balls to put them on the block. All Cassi wants to do is play the game and not embarrass her family. Jordan and Cassi seem to hit it off and in a roundabout way Jordan lets Cassi know that she is safe for this week.

Jordan gets a feeling in her gut that Dominic isn't someone she wants to keep around for very long so Dominic & Adam have been nominated for eviction. The plan is for Adam to throw the POV and, since the Oldies have the votes, Dominic will be evicted. The effect should be twofold: the Oldies earn Adam's trust and Cassi is left all alone to fend for herself. Daniele is the only Oldie not exactly thrilled with the plan. Like Rachel, she wants Cassi out sooner than later. Not to mention, Daniele has been laying the groundwork with Dominic for a future alliance. Personally, I'm not a Dominic fan and I never have been, but keeping someone so insanely boring and useless like Adam and Kalia in the game drives me up a wall. I'm not happy with the way these evictions are panning out. If Dominic goes this week and Cassi goes next week, then what the hell are we left with?

Save a pimp suit or a glittery kerchief, Lawon has turned out to be a stick in the mud. Kalia can keep telling people that "everything I do or say is calculated", but we all know she's full of hot air. Literally, hot air. Never has a more gaseous girl graced the feeds with her bodily functions. It's depressing. This Golden Key bullshit has completely ruined the game. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that it was designed for the specific purpose of keeping the Oldies in the game. Whether or not an Oldie is nominated, doesn't matter. One will always be safe and thus last longer in the CBS ratings race. The only way for a season with returning players to be fair and interesting is for the entire cast to be veterans. It levels the playing field and forces scrambling from the word "go". This mixing of old and new is a star killer. I said it with Survivor and I'm saying it again now: bringing in old players prevents the new players from becoming personalities/stars/players in their own right. There is too much preoccupation on the interpersonal dynamic with the veterans and it is a flat out "season killer". Survivor: Redemption Island is a classic example of Oldies ruining a cast of fresh-faced Newbies. No one is allowed to blossom and "asskissing" actually becomes strategy.

I can't help but wonder how much better off we'd be without the Oldies running the game. Of course the Newbies are going to be lesser players and not up to par. They haven't had time to wade through the "figuring out the game" phase. The typical first few weeks are usually fraught with scrambling, deals, alliances, plotting, planning and then as people get to know each other and learn who to trust, savviness flourishes and the smart weed out the weak. I realize this is turning into more of an editorial than a recap, but I'm mad. I'm Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest "Damn mad!"

After nominations, the former HG's sit around and talk about the reactions from the Newbies. Adam seems to be playing his part well as Jordan worries that he's really upset about being on the block. Dominic, on the other hand, seems unphased. He names one of the cameras "Greg" and begins to talk to it about the food competition and how much Adam sucked in it. You see, Dominic, just like Adam, thinks he is safe this week. The only thing he seems worried about is how to play POV this week. Should he throw it so Adam definitely goes home or should he try to win and risk Cassi being put on the block? Cassi tells him to play for himself and not to worry about her.

Up in the HOH, Jordan is explaining her nominations to Daniele. In that flippant "Who cares? I don't care" way of hers, Daniele seems fine with the nominations, but hints that she'd rather get Cassi out instead of Dominic. Jordan doesn't trust Dominic at all, but Daniele has been working on Dominic since Dick left. She tells Jordan that Dominic has no idea what he's doing and is way out of his league whereas Cassi's game is to make everyone believe that she's honest. Jordan genuinely believes that Cassi is honest and we can tell by her wide-eyed surprise that she's dumbfounded with what Daniele is telling her.

Outside, Shelly is in rare form. Up until now, Shelly has been nothing more than the Swiffer Queen playing one hell of a social game, but yesterday we got to see a little bit of Bitch Shelly. She was ripping into Porsche and Rachel with such gusto that even I was impressed. Shelly just can't understand why a guy like Brendon would hook up with a psycho piece of work like Rachel. She finds Rachel nauseating, phony and all around unbearable. The Rachel being jealous of Cassi thing is also not lost on Shelly as she thinks that Porsche is seething with jealousy as well. There's nothing that gets under Shelly's skin like Porsche going around the house telling everyone how she pretty is. Seriously, who does that? I mean, besides Rachel and Porsche. You've got to be a ball of low self esteem to walk into a house full of strangers and announce, "I'm pretty." Like being pretty is going to excuse the wretched human you're about to exhibit yourself to be.


Speaking of Porsche, in a conversation with Dominic in the hammock she lays out exactly just how perfect her life truly is. She's got famous friends, she's living in a loft for $500 a month, she's on Big Brother and there's no doubt in her mind that she'll emerge from the house a superstar. She's oh so blissfully happy. The "psychos", as she calls all the feedsters, will make her famous. Nevermind the fact that she has no talent to speak of, isn't really all that remarkable looking and has a personality that makes people cringe. I have yet to come across a Porsche fan. Do they even exist? Her family and friends don't count. I'm talking about strangers who are only now getting to experience this big breasted ball of ridiculousness. *knocks on screen* Hello? Are you out there? Come out, come out wherever you are. So yeah, Porsche is heinous.

The Rachel/Cassi thing continues to brew and I thought we were going to get a fight last night, but nothing ever really materialized. It'll happen though. I'm just not sure when. You'd think Rachel was Jan Brady with all the exasperated "Cassi, Cassi, Cassi!" talk she's doing. No joke. The bitch talked about Cassi all day long. She talked about her with Brendon, with Porsche, with Daniele, with Jordan and probably with all of the Koi in the fish tank as well. It's Kristen all over again and you better believe that if Rachel wins HOH, Cassi will be her target.

So, that's it for now. We've got a POV competition today and I'm almost hoping that Shelly & Cassi win and take Dom & Adam off the block. Something needs to happen to stir the pot and it needs to be happen quickly or else we're looking at a summer of Oldies with a smattering of boring Newbies. I'm gathering my hemlock, mugwort and paprika as we speak. This is going to require a complicated spell on my part. If it suddenly starts raining where you are, that's just me fiddling around with some measurements. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

The Big Green Red

Some things change and some things stay the same. It's the ferris wheel of life. Either you learn and grow or you remain stagnant and fester. One might think a red headed harlot raked through the coals would keep her ego in check and staple gun her ducklips shut, but noooooo it's just more of the same old same old. With a new faux leader in charge, the game trudges on. It's a little swampy, a little sweaty, a little ooey and a lot gooey. Everyone swung their mallets towards China and now Jordan - squishy vapid Jordan with nothing more than two chocolate chips to rub together in order to create a thought - is our new HOH. I would have preferred it if a Newbie had won - not because I'm rooting for any of them in particular - but because I want the game fresh and exciting. That's all I want out of Big Brother - drama. I don't watch for the stealth whispering and the careful plotting. I watch for the hair pulling and the venom dripping from their tongues. My request is simple - ENTERTAIN ME. Do that and you've got me for life. Let's recap, shall we?



Honda Civic has gotten hersef a Golden Key and now she can sit for the next three weeks and plot her path to fame and fortune. You see, Oldsmobile is here for one reason and one reason only. She wants to parlay her Big Brother experience into a ticket to stardom. If hanging out at half empty convention centers and having your breakfast comped at a Best Western is your idea of "stardom", then hats off to you Suzuki because that's about all you're going to get. So Camry has the Golden Key and now she's quite pleased with herself. In fact, she's so pleased with herself that she's going to go around the house and rub it in everyone's face. Most everyone just rolls their eyes in response and hopes that eventually the lazy valley girl drawl will run out of steam. One lone Houseguest sits unamused though and her name is Cassi. Cassi and Porsche are like Keith and articulation. The two just don't mix. It's that pretty girl thing where one is jealous of the other and no matter how hard to try to ignore each other, the jealousy continue will grow and grow and eventually start eating away at their souls.



The feeds didn't return in time for us to see exactly what went down, but apparently Cassi expressed her annoyance with Audi and Rachel got all bent out of shape about it. If you ever need reminding of exactly how horrible Big Red is, just check in with her a few seconds after her side has won an HOH. All those violent loathsome feelings you had back in BB12 will flood right back in and you'll wonder how you ever could have given her a day pass of sympathy. A good test of someone's authenticity is if they're likable throughout both the bad and the good. Unfortunately, Rachel fails this test with flying colors. When she's down and out and being bossed around by her bohunk boyfriend, she's tolerable because we feel bad for her. But when she's strutting around the house like her shit don't stink because she's safe for another week, she's just as unpleasant as we always knew her to be. Big Red gets pissy with Cassi and makes sure everyone in the house knows about it. Cassi's response is one of pure exhaustion. She's tired of Porsche, she's tired of Rachel, she's tired of all the petty bullshit. All she wants to do is pretend Porsche is dead and get on with her life.


So Rachel blows up at Cassi and Daniele is concerned. She tells Brendon to control his bitch and immediately he gets to work running interference. He pulls Rachel aside and tells her she needs to stop acting like a vile hosebeast and get her act together. She can't parade around the house picking fights like she did last year. It puts her entire alliance at risk and she needs to learn to keep emotion out of the game. Rachel whines and says, "But Cassi was talking shit about my frieeeeend." Brendon is unwavering. Porsche isn't Rachel's "friend". She's an opponent they've only known for about a week. Is Rachel really stupid enough to ruin her game for some chick she's only just met? Apparently, yes. Rachel is just as unwavering as Brendon is. No one talks shit about Rachel's "friends" and gets away with it.


The circular staircase to hell continues, but Rachel refuses to listen to reason. This time Daniele jumps in and tells Rachel to cut it out. Glassy eyed and thin lipped, Rachel nods her head in agreement and then promptly marches back into the kitchen to tell everyone what a bitch Cassi is. Brendon grabs her by the hair, yanks her back out and begins lecture #4,075. Rachel stomps up the stairs to the chess board in an effort to escape. Brendon follows and the argument starts all over again. Rachel is upset that Cassi talks shit about Porsche and "What am I supposed to do? It's driving me crazy," Again, Brendon tells her to ignore it and let it go. And again, Rachel is blind to common sense. Round and round we go. Where it stops, nobody knows.



Meanwhile, Cassi is upset that she let Porsche get to her at all. In the outside world, a girl like Porsche would be of no consequence to Cassi. She could ignore her and go about her own business. But in the Big Brother house she's forced to see that bland wet mop daily and it's making her skin crawl. Patron saint Of The Sycophant People, Shelly, is quick to step in and try to make Cassi feel better. She's tells Cassi how beautiful and smart she is. And then she tweaked her nipples and they start scissoring. No, not really, but that would have been funny, right?

Speaking of Shelly, her Newbie alliance has no idea that she was one of the votes to send Keith home. They've suspected everyone from Lawon to Kalia to Cassi to Adam, but never once has any of them suspected Shelly. I guess Shelly deserves kudos for that, right? I mean, she's got the whole house trusting her and that's not an easy thing to do. It looks like the Swiffer Wet Mop Strategy is a strategy to be taken seriously after all. Effortlessly, Shelly floats back and forth, back and forth, a butch in the breeze. The Oldies love her. The Newbies love her. Could Shelly actually be someone to look out for?



After Rachel and Brendon fight about plastic surgery and Rachel threatens to get her boobs removed. Jeff, I mean Jordan, gets her HOH room. The whole ceremony must not have lasted that long because everyone quickly disperses and the talk of what will happen this week ensues. Daniele and Dominic sit in the hammock where Dominic expresses his concern about this week. He knows he's a target and he's willing to make a deal with the Oldies if it means that he can stick around a little longer. Ideally, Dom would like to work with Cassi and Daniele until the end. Daniele doesn't say yes and she doesn't say no. She does, however, try to work with Dom on a way that he can stay in the game. She asks him if he'd rather go on the block and have Adam go home or have one of his friends go on the block and be forced to vote one of them out instead. Dom says he'd rather stay off the block of course. Daniele doesn't know how much pull she has with the couples upstairs, but you can tell she's laying the groundwork for when she needs to split them up. She'll stay friends with everyone and when she's able to compete again is when we'll see the claws come out.

Meanwhile, up in the HOH, Jeff, I mean Jordan, is going over a plan for her nominations. Rachel is obviously hinting that she wants Cassi out, but Jordan doesn't want to risk losing Shelly as an ally by putting her on the block. Jordan also wants to keep Adam in the game because she feels like he would be weak in competitions. The group then wonders if maybe Daniele can get Dominic on their side, but Jordan thinks it might be better to get Dominic out now so Cassi is left alone with nowhere to go. At the mere mention of Cassi, Rachel's face twists and contorts into one of those masks from Scream. Brendon, not missing a beat, takes another opportunity to lecture Rachel on the finer points of the BB social game. He tells her she needs to make up with Cassi and pretend that everything is ok. Rachel snarls and claws at his face, but Brendon insists that she needs to take one for the team. Even Jordan warns Rachel to watch her attitude because the second the Newbies win, they'll remember how Rachel reacted and come after her. Rachel reluctantly agrees, but I think you and I both know that she has no intention of mending fences with Cassi.

A little later on, Adam comes up to the HOH room and admits to voting to evict Porsche. He appreciates the offer the Oldies have given him, but he's just there to play the game and he feels like keeping Keith around would've taken the target off of himself. Adam goes on to admit that he really doesn't have an alliance anymore. What he thought he had was gone and what he'll do now, he has no idea. Jeff and Jordan quickly get to work on him by saying there is no "old vs. new" and that they'll keep him safe he does what they say and vote how they want him to vote. But, Adam also has to promise not to put them up if he wins HOH next week. Adam tells them that if he gets the Golden Key, he'll do whatever they want for the next few weeks. Jordan assures Adam that they have the votes to keep him in the house, but in the meantime Jeff will be telling Dominic that he is safe. Jeff tells Adam that together Cassi and Dominic are dangerous so it's better to split them up now while they can. Adam agrees and promises to act surprised when nominated.

Adam leaves and Daniele enters. Jeff and Jordan explain the plan to get rid of Dominic, but Daniele isn't so sure. She defends Dominic and thinks he'll be easy to manipulate in the game. It's a thin argument, but she's clearly trying to keep all of her budding alliances together. Jeff & Jordan tell Daniele that if the Dominic plan doesn't work out then Cassi is the back up. They're not too eager to dump Cassi just yet because they want Shelly to still be able to win HOH's in the next couple of weeks. Giving Shelly a Golden Key now would mean that she's not able to compete. Daniele and Jeff continue to tell each other that the understand the other's point, but it's still early. Anything can change from now until next Thursday.

And that's where we're at. We might actually have some potential for fights this week. This Rachel, Cassi, Porsche thing is far from over and if the Newbies ever find out Shelly betrayed them, there could be some problems. Food competition and nominations today. Comment it out bitches and have a great day! I leave you with Lawon wearing a glitter kerchief. Kapow!