BB Mobile App FREE for BB14

Perhaps as an apology for inflicting Adam upon us for an entire summer or merely out of the pure goodness of their hearts, Superpass has decided that you won't have to pay for the BB Mobile App this year. That's right. With a Superpass subscription, the BB Mobile App is INCLUDED. Free! Gratis! This is good news, my friends.

With your Superpass subscription, you'll be able to access the Live Feeds wherever you and your iPhone, iPad, iTouch, or Android are. A bar? No problem! While driving? You betcha! From the brothel you frequent twice a week? Absolutely!

Superpass is also making quite a few improvements and upgrades in an effort to make this year's Live Feed experience sleeker, faster, more fun, and agile. So get ready bitches. Big Brother 14 is already better than Big Brother 13. Let's get real, how can it not be?

Stay tuned to this here little bloggy blog for more updates and BB14 news. I'll make posts as soon as the information comes in.

Have you got BB14 fever yet?

It's Stammertime!

What a difference a day makes? When the day before yesterday all we had to work with was Brenchel counting the blades of grass and Jordan morphing into a pillow sham, yesterday blessed us with a hotbed of activity. Keef (that's Keith's new name) done lost his e'erluvin' mind while Dum Dom (that's Dominic) is going around the house thinking he's a BB legend even though he's only been playing the game (and I use "playing the game" very loosely) for about a week. The whispers creeped out from the beneath the floorboards. The hushes hid underneath the beds. But oh the stammers. The sta-sta a'sta-sta,-stam it on the one, sta-sta-stam wich yo bad self, a'sta-sta... It's Stammertime! Let's a re-re-recap, a sha-sha-shall we?

We begin our beautious BB day with Keef setting his sights on a new target: Lawon. Kapow! (Kapows just naturally follow Lawon wherever he goes) Keef's mission is to get his own ass off the block and offer up Lawon's as a replacement. Now, I know I've been sleeping a lot throughout most of the season, but I'm not exactly sure where Keef's anger for Lawon stems from. Kalia thinks it's because Keef wants to be the "The Token". As in, the token black man whereas Lawon thinks that Crocs make completely suitable daytime footwear (they don't). Whatever the reason is really doesn't matter. All that matters is that it's stammertime and Keef is a kerfluffle of spittle and mooshmouth. When he gets going, grab a slicker. You're gonna need it.

So Lawon is sitting outside on the hammock minding his own business when Dum Dom skips over and asks him what he thinks about this week's vote. It's already taken care of as far as Lawon is concerned. Way back on day one or so, Lawon shook Keith's hand and that was all it took. Lawon, come hell or high water, come backstabbing or bus rolling, absolutely will not vote out Keith this week. A hand shake is gold to one Mr. Lawon Exum. A hand shake separates the fabulous from the not so fabulous. Lawon - kapow! - I love you babydoll, but you're doing exactly what Jameeka did back in BB8 to Jen Johnson. You need to learn the famous saying by Benjamin Franklin: "Handshake shmamshake."

Meanwhile Keef has begun his "Lawon is the devil" publicity tour and he's hitting up all the big players with his "homina homina's" and his "uh uh uh's." It would take an eternity for me to transcribe it all and, in all honesty, I'm actually considering banning Keef from my feeds - I can't take it anymore! The spit, the gums flapping, the quivering hands and the shifty eyes - I just can't do it. Basically, all you need to know is Keef wants his ass off the block and Lawon's on and he'll do anything and say anything he has to in order to make that happen.





So while Keef is busy trying to make Lawon look bad, Dum Dom is on a very different sort of crusade. He wants to talk a little shop with the oldies. Jeff, Jordan and Brendon are all chilling at the pool when up saunters Dominic with his Target t-shirt, his faux Ray-Ban's and his little cubic zirconia adorning his ears. He begins with what I like to call some "softball questions". It goes something like this, "Who do you think is the biggest threat on our side? You know you're all targets, right? Why would I want to team up with you while you're all targets? Can you teach me how to play Big Brother?" Seriously, if you didn't see it, flashback that bitch (around 1:30 BBT Sat.) because the awkward cocky defiance coupled with the reactions from the oldies is worth it's weight in gold. Dominic isn't a dumb guy in that he's figuring out that BB is a numbers game, but he's a fucking idiot when it comes to feeling out his opponents and coming up with some sort of social game. Watching it I had a reaction very similar to how I would suspect Boston Rob would react. It went something like, "Use the POV. Get Dom out. Stat." You just can't let some kid saunter up to you, call you a target and then walk away. How much clearer can his agenda get? Even Brendon said, "Do you even hear what you're saying?"

After Dum Dom plowed through the backyard he headed inside to steal a word or two with Daniele. Get this - he wants Daniele to vote to keep Keef in the house so Keef remains a target. Daniele immediately objects knowing that having Keef wandering around safe for the next 4 weeks is a bad idea for everyone. Then... THEN Dom says that wouldn't it be better for Daniele if the couples (Rachel/Brendon & Jeff/Jordan) were split. *clutches pearls* Who is this kid? Either he has gigantic rhinocerous balls or tiny little snowflakes for brains. Daniele didn't really give Dom a response and yes, in the future, it would serve her well to have the couples split, but right now, while she's safe yet still essentially powerless, she can't go into the final 8 surrounded by mostly newbies. She needs to have some oldies to back her up and since Rachel and Brendon are much bigger targets than Daniele, they serve as a decent buffer.

Up in the HOH room Jeff proposes to the other oldies that they bring in another team they can trust. He submits they open their arthritic arms to Cassi and Shelly. He spoke with Cassi earlier and discovered that she is not in an alliance with Dum Dom and is in fact pretty cool and smart. The crew already likes Shelly so this acquisition of a newbie duo makes sense. They bring Shelly upstairs, show her the secret handshake (it's a lot of fist pumping mixed in with a pimple cream applying mime) and it's a done deal. Shelly and Cassi are now in an alliance with the oldies.

Shelly leaves and Rachel suggests they have a house meeting to settle the Keef/Lawon thing once and for all. Daniele calls house meetings, like everything else in life, "stupid", but Brendon and Rachel are hellbent on figuring out if any of Keef's stammers hold any truth. Apparently, he's saying that Lawon said Jeff & Jordan laughed when Dick left, told everyone Keef wasn't really a matchmaker and said that Kalia didn't have Keef's best interest in heart. To be honest, it's all petty bullshit. It's just the stammerings of a desperate and very annoying young man. Here's my thoughts on Keef: I take one look at him doing his arm raising, spitting, stammering routine and I know he's lying. And if he's not lying then he's certainly not coming from a place of happiness. He's a creepy Christian with nothing but pussy on his mind. It's disturbing. Hey, I watch a lot of Investigation Discovery and believe me, it's always the pastors or deacons who seduce the women in the congregation. On Investigation Discovery they usually kill the women too, but I don't think we're quite there yet with Keef. Right now the lad just wants a piece of ass, lily white ass.


So, the stage is set. Brendon and Rachel needle Keef into confronting Lawon in the backyard. It went something like this, "Uh uh uh ummm you uh uh uh LIAR!" Lawon sat there confused at first and then it dawned on him real quick what Keef was doing to him. It was awkward and kind of painful to watch. Lawon denied all the fake allegations and openly admitted to the real ones Keef had completely blown out of proportion while Rachel and Brendon sat in stony silence quite pleased with themselves. That smug bitchassness wouldn't last long though because the very public mockery those two chose to make of it all sent my precious pony, Lawon, running inside and crying. The sky got cloudy, unicorns impaled themselves, fairies fell from the sky one by one and a fabulicious black man cried his little heart out.

Lawon doesn't lie. He doesn't roll like that. That's not how he wants to play the game. That's not his bag, ya hear? Don't you EVER accuse Lawon of spreading falsities across this great land of hours. Because you know what you'll get? You'll get a handsomfied, lovified, pimpified chocolate morsel of deliciousness ready to treat the world like it's his own catwalk. That's what you'll get people. Werd. *snap snap snap* Kapow! Oh, and that handshake thing from earlier? Well, Lawon listened to my good friend Benjamin Franklin and it's null and void bitches. Null and void. Kapow again!

Whoosh. Splat. Kerplunk! This all brings us to BBAD where a superhero production is playing out. Dum Dom is Dominus (I'm completely offended that he probably got the idea for the name from Spartacus - that's my show dammit) and Brendon is some sort of caped crusader. It was merry and fun with Lawon narrating and Cassi providing the soundtrack. The turtle Franklin needed saving and hijinks ensued. There were bloopers, stunts and a rump shakin' booty dance. Most of the house served as the audience, but Keef chose to grumble to himself on the hammock instead.

Adam joins Keef in Hammock Land and the two begin to discuss the days events. Adam is adamant (Ha!) that Keef needs to shut the fuck up and stop stirring the pot. Keef's ever so eloquent response is "uh um uh bu-bu-but I'm tryin' t-t-t-t-to save myself." Adam growls, takes a drag of his cig and replies, "But you're only making the target on yourself bigger." Keef retorts, "I-I-I-I'm what?!?" It's insufferable. Truly it is. I take back what I said earlier about getting Dom out now. Keef needs to go. He's no real threat or anything but he's driving ME batshit crazy. Allow me to illustrate exactly how batshit crazy he makes me. This should put it all into perspective. I'd rather watch Rachel and Brendon fight, cry and make up for the rest of the summer than watch Keef hold a conversation for 30 seconds. I've got hot pokers and shish kabob spears on permanent stand by. I HATE KEEF!

For this next segment I think I'll just stick my head into a burlap sack of rabid foot long rats and try to type. Dum Dom and Keef are in the Star Wars Room where Keef has decided that he has the entire game completely figured out. This rocket scientist is uh uh uh absolutely certain that his uh-uh buddy Dom and Cassi are uh-uh in with the oldies. Dom says, "Absolutely not. I've been 100% honest with you. I've told you this from day one. I'm voting for Porsche." Keef's tongue swallows his whole head and he says, "You-you-you aligned with them and made a deal a-a-a-a-uh-uh fine lily white ass, you lyin'!" Essentially here's what happened: Keef saw Dom playing with Brendon outside and now he thinks Dom is in an alliance with the oldies. He couldn't be more wrong as the oldies don't trust Dom in the least bit. Dom, as a matter of fact, is on their short list of who to get out of the house. It's almost comical how wrong Keef is. Somehow he's managed to not only piss off all of his adversaries, but he's managed to alienate his friends too. It takes a very skillfully ignorant mouthbreather to pull that off. Congratulations Keef. You win my Mouth Breather Of The Day award.

The rest of the night was a lot of chitchat about food, dating, smoking, etc. There was one little tasty nugget though. Jordan revealed that Dick called Jeff after finding out he was returning to the show. Can you say "cheater"? Speaking of Dick, he'll be making a statement today about what went down. My guess is that it all has to do with Daniele. I think he realized that the house wasn't making their relationship any better and out of some sort of latent fatherly obligation, he left. I think it was probably emotional and I'm going to predict we see tears from the DR next Wednesday. If I'm right, I wonder if he got his full paycheck. Returning HG's get a lot more than the $750 a week my friends. I'm predicting Dick gets a decent edit, emerges as the damaged dutiful father and the relationship he's trying so hard to mend will never really amount to much. Daniele is cold. Very cold. I don't know what goes on between these two or what went on in the past, but I don't think quitting Big Brother is enough to mend it. That's just my two cents. I guess we'll see how it all plays out soon enough. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

It looks like the game is officially on. Yesterday was one of those live feed days you hope for. Don't miss out on all the uh-uh-uh madness. Try the free trial and check it out for yourselves! ALSO, Famous Food behind the scenes footage is coming tomorrow (I think) to Superpass. The show premieres tonight on VH-1. I don't know about you, but I miss Daniele Staub. The Real Housewives of New Jersey just isn't the same without her.

A Whole Lotta Kissassness

After a night fraught with mystery over the willing departure of a man who looks like he never showers, Big Brother 13 is off to a somewhat slow start. The BB train is chugging and sputtering up that hill of fruity backstabbing deliciousness, but it keeps getting its wheels stuck on the tracks littered with the corpses of houseguests past. Lydia's thigh bone, Kevin's skull, Ronnie's kneecap, Ass Licker's... wait for it... TAILBONE are all cluttering up the path to BB13 greatness. You see, in my opinion, BB11 was the last great season. Those hot messes were tearing at each other's throats before they even bothered to unpack their toiletries. The house divisions were made nice and early, strategy was talked about day and night and they all had a enough screws loose to merit a healthy dose of halcion with a twist of lithium. I loved those bitches and I think of them fondly whenever the feeds go four or five hours without a tantrum or a drive-by "bipolar tranny!" insult. Keith is showing signs of buckeling under the pressure and Porsche is definitely the future poster girl for the "This is the face of insecurity" campaign you'll see on the subway come Fall 2011, but can they deliver? Can they bring us to the fist biting "Oh no she di-in't!" moments we all pine fore? We'll just have to wait and see. Let's recap, shall we?

I'd like to begin today talking about Rachel. I know, I know, I can hear your groans loud and clear, but here's the thing - this isn't the Rachel of yesteryear. This is Rachel 2.0. That's not to say she's "improved" or "better". She's just "different". The wardrobe you might find in an abandoned storage unit is still the same, but the pasty person stuck inside is Rachel Part Deux. Her hair is a little longer. She's freshly botoxed. That competitive air that just naturally surrounds her is thick and smoky, but there's a problem. Rachel is suddenly and very annoyingly hyper aware of what the cameras are seeing. She's pausing to find the appropriate words. She's biting her tongue. She's regretting things she said in the Diary Room minutes after she's said them. I don't know if someone on the outside gave her a pep talk full of shit like, "You can win back America!" or what, but I know I don't like what I'm seeing now. Rachel's one redeeming quality is that she brought drama. Sure, she did it in an awful and repugnant way, but she brought it. I'm woman enough to admit that last season went downhill the second she left the house. Let's face it, the Ragan/Rachel ooey gooey cookie fight never would've happened had Rachel not been a complete asshole from the underbelly of hell. Laughing at her psycho devil stares was part of the fun. Unless the conversation is strictly about game, she's fidgety, awkward and relying on Brendon to make her feel worthwhile.



Watching Brendon and Rachel this time around is like watching a couple of camp counselors. They love reminiscing about the old days while, at the same time, organizing group activities to keep everyone out of trouble. Camp Killjoy's philosophy is to keep the returning five HG's together and win back America's hearts while doing it. I wanted Rachel and Brendon hurling throwing stars at Jeff and Jordan. My fantasy was Jeff would get called to the Diary Room and then Rachel would descend on Jordan like a hungry zombie. Instead I'm stuck with what's tantamount to sitting around the fire roasting marshmallows. Rachel spends her time avoiding confrontation while Jordan is satisfied beaching herself on a bed and never moving for 8 1/2 hours. I hope, dear lord baby jesus, hope with every fiber of my being that this is just a merry facade that will soon crumble and implode because I'll tell you what: I think "Nice Rachel" is worse than "Hosebeast Rachel". And yes, lest a rumor fester into fact, I'll take Rachel over Jordan any day of the week. The visceral reaction I find myself having to Jordan this season is shockingly up there with how I feel about Ass Licker. Weird, huh?

Daniele is a different animal entirely. Her father's sudden and mysterious departure has given her a pass for the month yet somehow, she's mad about that. She feels useless. She's like a balloon with no air, a ball without it's bounce, a whine without purpose. She says, "I'm good for nothing for the next month." Bitch, you just leapfrogged the embarassing first 4 evictions! Just watch, study, learn, vote wisely and prepare to make your triumphant return to the competition portion of the game when the time comes. You have what all the other players want. Only you, Queen Sourpuss, could be annoyed by that. Let's face it, whether Dick stayed or whether Dick left, Daniele would've found a way to have been pissed off by her surroundings regardless. She's one of those people who is just inherently annoyed by everything.


Early in the day Keith approached Daniele in the Storage Room and gave her one of his fillbertygibbet herky jerky pep talks. "You, uh uh uh, you just need to homina homina know that you're um, uh uh uh, a killer at this game. You'll uh, fine ass, see how um uh I meka leka hi meka hiney ho said good things about you in my um uh uh diary room sessions." Both Daniele and myself had no idea what the hell he was talking about. I think in his mind he was buttering her up, but it all just came across as very kiss assy. I assure you that if I'm not falling for it, then neither is Daniele. Anyhow, Keith goes on to say that he's worried about the returning HG's having all the numbers in the game. Let's review that, shall we? There are 5 returning HG's and 8 new HG's. Which one has more numbers? Exactly. Next, Keith goes on to say that Porsche is extremely disloyal and that none of the returning HG's should trust her. Daniele sort of blows him off and tells him to talk to Rachel and maybe he can strike a deal. More "homina homina's" and - scene!


Since kissassness is the theme of the day, it's Shelly's turn to do a little puckering. It appears as if Rachel had at one point considered quitting the game. Yeah right. And I'm a kind hearted charitable person who loves her fellow man. *makes a 'W' with her fingers* What-ever! Rachel wouldn't quit Big Brother if he sat at a computer and skyped his penis to all the girls in the land. I don't know if she was having a brief moment of insecurity or what, but it was enough to make Shelly want to bend over and smooch. So again we head to the Storage Room for another fucking pep talk - you realize the ridiculousness of all this, don't you? - a pep talk from a newbie to an oldie is RIDONKULOUS. Don't fucking peptalk them! Gather your troops and pick 'em off one by one. What's going on in the house right now is very similar to a Survivor merge. Just stick with your tribe and do what you came on the show to do. But noooo, Rachel is a big scary red headed harlot and all the people who so vehemently hated her in their pre-show interviews are now scared to say "boo" whenever she's around.

So here's Shelly in her Tuffskins with a tool belt hanging off her hips looking to bring some serenity to the red-headed giant. According to Shelly (who I'm very close to renaming "Babs" - I think every tough lesbian with a Harley should be called Babs), she'd very much like to see Rachel and Brendon get what they came for this summer. She wants them to win oodles of cash and all sorts of luxurious vacations to put toward their wedding. Look Babs, you don't go on Big Brother to see the other person win things. You go on Big Brother so you win things. Wouldn't you like a new tool set hon? Every gal needs a new monkey wrench now and then. The ladies down at the motorcycle club need a new karaoke machine and I'm pretty sure they're counting on you to finance it. Look, Shelly's not a bad person. She's just not seeing the big picture right now. In her mind, it's easier to pledge allegiance to Rachel then have her get all riled up and spewing fire everywhere. Rachel is like a dormant dragon. One of these days, she's going to discover that she indeed has the power to breathe fire and the whole house will turn into a pile of ash with only a wild-eyed scarlet haired behemoth left to wander the rubble. Angering a dragon is tricky business, but then again so is befriending one.

After the houseguests have had their breakfasts and brushed their teeth Rachel, Brendon and Daniele head on up to the HOH room to talk a little game. The plan is that if one of them win POV, then Keith will be going home. Porsche is a hot mess, but Keith is a hotter mess whose sleazy gaming/flirty is not only transparent, but creepy. Best to get rid of him now and be done with it. In this little meeting Brendon also reveals that he doesn't care too much for Lawon. He doesn't know if Lawon is trustworthy or not. To that I say, kapow! Bam! Beautiful people, love it! Lawon is just a slow starter much like Kevin was. If you'll remember back in BB11 it took a while for Kevin to really sink his teeth and start playing. Since Lawon makes me laugh, I'm going to allow him the same grace period I allowed Kevin.

Speaking of Lawon, downstairs, where the nongamers reside, a little contest is taking place. It appears as if everyone wants Lawon to be the one to host most of the challenges. Well, douchey Dominic isn't having it. He wants to host the competitions as well and thus begins a good-natured "host-off". Think of it as a dance-off for hosting. With Jeff and Jordan as the judges, the two men throw opening statements for imaginary competitions back and forth at one another. The funny thing is Lawon is really bad at it. The one everyone pegged the winner kept forgetting half of his intro and flubbing all his lines. To me it was a little bit of a chink in the armor. One of the things I loved about Lawon in the first place was all of the promises he made before the game started. He'd be gay if they wanted him gay. He'd be straight if they wanted him straight. But, most importantly, he'd be fabulous. On a fabulosity scale of 0-100%, Lawon is maintaining around a solid 12%. Those are some disappointing figures, but, like I said, I'll give him a few more weeks.

Now, news of the host-off may not seem important, but let's look a little deeper. Who did I say the judges were? Jeff and Jordan, right. While the old HG's were upstairs going over who they can or can't trust and who's the best person to evict, Jordan was firmly affixed to her mattress like she's Big Edie Beale or something. I half expected a gaggle of cats to take up residence on her lap while she leaned over and cooked corn on a hot plate. You can love Jordan all you want, but homegirl is not playing the game just like she's NEVER played this game. People always ask me why I dislike Jordan so much and I'd end up writing War and Peace if I really took the time to list all the reasons, but the main reason is she doesn't play, she never tries, she relies on others to play for her and she won her season, for the most part, because of luck. All you have to do is look at Jordan's face to know that she has no desire to be in the house right now. Quite frankly, it's an insult. Just take a look at Twitter. Look at all the old HG's dying to get into that house while there sits fucking Jordan on her ass contributing nothing. It's infuriating to watch. It really is. She's only there for Jeff and if you think otherwise you need to check yourself into your local mental health facility as soon as possible. Jordan is a waste of space who has no business playing the game with the likes of Rachel and Brendon. More on this later.


Fast forward a few hours and we find Porsche crying and yelling at Keith. You see, Porsche found out that Keith has been avidly campaigning against her to the other HG's and is thinking of throwing the POV competition in an effort to ensure that Porsche goes home all the while wanting to do the hibbidy gibbidy with her. Keith, just like I said from the very beginning, is an idiot. Throwing a competition this early in the game and essentially handing Rachel & Brendon all the power in the world is beyond stupid. Keith & Porsche should be fighting with everything inside of them to get their asses off the block. There is entirely way too much time between now and next Thursday for a number of things to wrong - mainly, Keith doing/saying something inapporopriate or ignorant to any number of people in the house.


The fight ends with Porsche refusing to forgive Keith. She pretty much says, "I don't like you! I don't want to be friends with you!" and then she scurries up to the HOH and announces, "I should totally an Oscar for what I just did." She tells Rachel & Brendon how she cried and how now the house all feels sorry for her. I know I was half asleep when I was watching this unfold, but I just don't understand Porsche. First off, like I said earlier, why is she catering to the oldies? She should be building alliances with the newbies and thinking of a team to replace her on the block when she goes out and wins that POV. Instead she's absolutely certain that she's safe and, get this, she plans on throwing the POV as well. *throws hands up in the air* What is wrong with these people?! Who does that? Porsche is just an unlikable as Keith and runs the risk of something happening between now and next Thursday that'll put her safety in jeapordy. If these two don't win the POV, either one can go home. It's simply too early for anyone to make any promises that'll stick.

And this brings us to the POV competition. Rachel/Brendon, Jeff/Jordan and Porsche/Keith are the players. From what I can gather, it sounds like it was a puzzle type of game where the competitors were flying in the air. Part of it involved placing bricks and the brilliance that is Jordan decided to place her bricks in an up and down fashion. When Jeff informed her that bricks go horizontally, Jordan sprinkled some salt on his head and ate him. You see, pretty princess Jordan is on her period right now and not only does that scare the living daylights out of Jeff, but it makes her eat anything within her peripheral vision. In the end, probably since Keith and Porsche threw that shit, Rachel & Brendon won POV.

Immediately after the POV, Rachel, Brendon and Jeff were in the HOH room recapping the comp and going over how the POV ceremony will play out. Actually, let me rephrase that. Rachel & Brendon were planning and plotting while Jeff sat there glassy eyed and stunned at just how hardcore these two are. Without a break or a pause for dinner, Brenchel went right to work going over what the next HOH competition could be, what measurements it could entail, how 5ml translates into gallons and what the velocity is when a houseguest in motion stays in motion. I won't lie. It was intense. Those two NEVER stop. All they do is study and speculate and plan and maneuver. It's exhausting watching them. The look on Jeff's face said it all. His inner monologue must have been something like, "Oh shit, are these two for real? Jordan won't understand what milliliters means! I'm fucked."

Eventually, Jeff left the room - probably before his brain started smoking - but Brenchel kept going! It doesn't matter who said what. All you need to know is that this is what it sounded like: (read it out loud and extremely fast for the full effect) "We need to get Jordan to win the next HOH that way we can still compete and have Jeff on our side. You want some tacos baby? No baby I'm OK. If we throw HOH to Jordan then we can nominate who we want but I don't feel comfortable relying on Jeff and Jordan to win a POV if we end up on the block. I'm going to take a shower. How many milliliters are there in a shower? We should figure that out. Yeah, we should figure it out. You take a shower and count and I'll stand out here and do some Tae Bo. After we're done we can count the amount of threads in the carpet and then I think you should divide the number of hairs on my head by the number of hairs on your head. I'll bet that number will come up at some point in a future competition. Speaking of future competitions, I think they'll do the one where we have to guess the amount of things. That's probably in week 3. I wonder if Jordan knows how to count. I don't know. Are you sure you don't want any tacos baby? Ok I'll have a bite of yours. Let's give Jordan counting classes. How many drops of water in that glass? I don't now. Let's count. I'll go get an eye dropper!" Exhausting. Simply exhausting. I guess I can admire their drive, but fuck me! They're too intense. It creeps me out.

I'm so sorry sorry sorry, but I have to end this here. Something personal came up and I've got to take care of it. I swear by Monday/Tuesday I'll have a much more normal schedule. Please check onlinebigbrother.com for any of the overnight stuff I missed. I watched most of BBAD, but I didn't really catch anything too noteworthy other than that godawful "Would you rather?" game. Port-a-potty liquids or a bloody juicy tampon, come on! It makes me all gaggy just typing it. Anyhow, comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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Hide Yo' Dick

Big Brother 13 burst through the door like a beaked nosed red headed harlot with an attitude problem. Crimsons and tangerines, bicycles and surfboards, astroturf and shag... the tacky cheapness of the house enveloped us like a scratchy yet comforting Ikea duvet smelling of beer, Pall Malls and Febreze. The sweet anticipation coupled with the horrifying reality of well, you know, HER struck this little blogger dumb with silence. I mean, I knew she was coming. I knew before the sites new. I knew before the tweeters knew. I knew before everyone knew. I knew it and I squashed it. Sometimes when you squash things - like a creepy crawly bug skittering across the floor - they die. DIE! They die and you flush them down the toilet. That's what should happen, but that's not what did happen. That duck-lipped freak with her fake lashes and her straw extensions soldiered on with a "Guess who's baaaaaack?! It's the dynamic duo!" [insert hyena laugh here] If you want to know the truth, I was prepared to give Rachel a shot. I figured that if Ragan liked her and Chelsia liked her then maybe, just maybe, I could like her. Well, that little experiment ended approximately 2.5 seconds from the moment she opened the door. The smirk, the guffaw, the stench (I'm convinced there's a stench) blackened out any good intentions I ever had and replaced them with a big giant festering ball of hate. It is with that pus filled ball that I bring you today's blog. Let's recap, shall we?


8 shiny fresh faces danced their way into the house so full of hope and promise. It's a pity it wouldn't last. After pairing up into duos (Keith/Porsche, Adam/Dominic, Cassi/Shelly, Lawon/Kahlia) and learning that said duos would indeed be nominated as a couple, a truckload of funsuckers paraded through the front door killing all the hopes and dreams of the innocent newbies. As rumored, Brendon & Rachel, Jeff & Jordan and Dick & Daniele are back. Rachel is still loud and unnerving. Brendon is still feeble and uncharismatic. Jeff is still a giant bore, but now he's also gray and aging poorly. Jordan is still as sharp as a stick of butter. Dick is still wearing the same clothes from 5 years ago only now he's incredibly paunchy and sporting the telltale red face of a guy who just pulled a bender in sequester. That leaves us with Daniele. Not only was she annoyed and bothered by the whole ordeal, but she also refused to speak while in front of her father. Basically, she was the most likable of the bunch. I've never been a fan of Daniele in the past, but five years have gone by. She's more mature now (as displayed by the "silent treatment"). I admire her unflinching willingness to get rid of her father as soon as possible. If there's any returning HG I could root for, it would be Daniele.

Click. Boing. Whoosh! The feeds turn on and we're whisked away to a magical world (the Storage Room) where Porsche is busy telling another woman (Rachel) exactly just how pretty she (Porsche) is. First off honeybuns, if there's one sure way to destroy any sort of radiating beauty and invite the evil naysayers (i.e. me) in, it's to go around talking about how great you are. Secondly, you're all gums babe. Gummy gummy gumdrops - that's what I think when I see your face. I also think of smacking it head on with a golf shoe but that's neither here nor there. You're not the "pretty one" in the house Chevrolet. Cassi is. Get used to it. Surprisingly enough, there actually are a few things we learn from this vapid conversation: 1) Porsche doesn't like Cassi and will nominate her the first chance she gets 2) Porsche and Keith are up for nomination and 3) Rachel's fashion sense is woefully stuck somewhere in between Forever 21 irregulars and Vegas tramp doing the walk of shame. It's almost comforting knowing that some things will never change.


Outside the Storage Room a mystery is unfolding. Apparently, Dick has been missing for quite some time. My first instinct was to check Brendon's hard drive. I'll bet there's lots of dicks to be found there. Burly gruff Adam's first instinct is to check under the pillows in the Living Room. I mean, I guess a dick could fit under there, but I still say the My Documents folder on a Villegas laptop is a better bet. Well, wouldn't you know it? Right there underneath the pillow of one of the nomination chairs lies a pink piece of paper with the word "Dick" on it. Immediately, various HG's blame Adam for planting the paper himself. Rachel wonders if there's a saboteur again while Porsche says over and over again in her mind, "I'm pretty. I'm pretty, right? Who else can I tell I'm pretty?"



Adam tells the HG's in the other room about the pink paper and everyone begins to wonder if it's some sort of clue or merely coincidence. The paper is identified to have come from a shoebox that all of the HG's were given at some point. Dani shrugs her shoulders and doesn't seem to care a fig about where her dad is while Jordan sits ripping her hair out of her head wondering why they don't have a puppy in the house and whether or not Dick is doing his "show" while in the DR. Jordan, my little rack of lamb, if you keep pawing at your hair like that you won't have any left by the end of the season. Adam, on the other hand, is thrilled and do you know why he's thrilled? It turns out Adam suffers from the Matty McDonald disease (no, not jailbird crabs) where he never met a camera he didn't like. I pegged Adam from the start as an annoying yuck-yuck and I'm sticking to it. The DR growls we were introduced to during last night's CBS show are unfortunately a staple from this idiot teddy bear. So is beating on his chest, pointing to his head and addressing "America" more often than is necessary. Now, Adam swears he didn't plant the paper and he even promises to give up bacon and cigarettes for the rest of the week if it's proven he did it, but you have to admit that the timing of it all is really weird. Were the HG's on an outdoor lockdown right before the feeds went up? That's the only way production could have slipped in and placed the paper there intentionally for Dick has been missing for almost 2 hours.

Brendon, Keith and Adam search Dick's things for more clues while Dani holds court in the Tarot Room refusing to give a damn. She says it's all "stupid" and continues to pull her pageboy cap further down her brow. Jeff joins the boys in their search and I'm immediately struck by something. Jeff's looking a little rough, isn't he? Stand him next to Brendon and he's no longer the shower nozzle masturbation material the menopausal women of the world think he is. He's just a normal guy with a fuck-all annoying accent and premature grays. Brendon's a douche, don't get me wrong, but he's quite "pretty" when put in the same room as Jeff.



Soon the "where is Dick?" fascination wanes and Rachel decides the house should play some games. Because, yes, games are so fucking fascinating for us to watch. Rachel wants a fashion show but ultimately they decide on "Find The Difference". It's the same crap they did last season and it's a big ole bucket o' lame.

After "Find The Difference" fizzles, Porsche and Jeff begin to bowl in the kitchen with tiny decorative bushes. Adam, sensing an "On Air" moment crashes the party and growls his way into the game. Dominic and Keith join the party as well while Shelly sits at the counter and grills Jordan about how long it took her to get her prize money from BB11. Jordan replies by counting on her fingers and declaring "Twelveteen days!" She continues by telling Shelly that while the Big Brother cameras never bothered her before, the Amazing Race cameras scared her to death. Apparently, it was stage fright that caused her to perform like a wet noodle with that glazed stoned look on her face and not the enchilada overdose I blamed it on over at the Bitchy Amazing Race Blog. Shelly asks about the contestants on TAR and Jordan replies that they're much more normal than the BB people and aren't very cutthroat at all. One little nugget that actually surprised me was that Jeff & Jordan had to go through the entire TAR casting process just like all the other teams. We also learned that Jeff has an agent while Jordan does not. She just tags along with Jeff to the "gigs" without a care (or a brain cell) in the world. La dee da. The conversation ends with Jordan cramming a giant pickle in her mouth and saying it reminds her of a frog. Ribbit.


The conversation turns to Dick again. Lawon thinks Dick going missing is a twist, Jordan thinks Dick will come back and host a competition and Jeff thinks Colonel Mustard did it in the Living Room. They recap the minutes leading up to Dick's disappearance and from what I can gather: Dick was asleep outside in his bathing suit and t-shirt. He got up to go to the DR and was never heard, or seen, again. Lawon thinks he went into the DR with his bathing suit on, but Jeff thinks he saw the skull bathing suit in Dick's room. They all get up and go investigate. This cracker jack group of investigators is about as effective as Shaggy and Scooby.



Over in the Have-Not room - which looks like Ass Licker's vacation home (a padded cell) - there aren't any clues regarding Dick. Instead we find Cassi ridding Dominic of his unibrow. Keith watches in the background green in envy. Why, oh why, does Dominic get touched by Cassi is such intimate ways? The second Dominic is done, Keith leaps into his place and insists Cassi waxes him next. He has no stray hairs to speak of and looks like he was manscaped right before entering the house, but Keith doesn't care. He wants some lady attention and he wants it now.


Dominic has a brief freak out when he discovers that Cassi has waxed his face with the same tools she used to wax Adam's chest. Apparently, Adam had a bad reaction to it and is now covered in herpe-like sores. He vows to never take his shirt off again for the rest of the season while Dominic (dubbed "Pretty Boy" by Adam") wanders from room to room exclaiming "Ewwwww!" over having herpified tools used on his face. Did I not say this kid was annoying from the get go?


Up until now there hasn't been much of any game talk whatsoever. From what I can gather though, the plan is to get rid of Porsche (yes!) if the nominations stay the same after tomorrow's POV competition. Dominic thinks no one will miss her while Keith is preoccupied with where Kalia's loyalty lies and how unfair it is to have to play against returning HG's. Keith wonders if maybe he should throw the POV competition to ensure that Porsche goes home. Dominic is 100% for the plan which, in turn, throws a huge red flag up in Keith's eyes. Why does Dominic want him to throw the comp so badly? Adam, who seems to dislike Dominic much more than the innocent "Pretty Boy" name calling tells Keith to "fuck Dom" and play his heart out tomorrow.

Meanwhile, Porsche is preoccupied with why BB hasn't told Dani anything about her dad. He's her blood relative and she deserves to know what's going on. Well, maybe in a normal family that would be true, but when your father is the reality equivalent of Michael Lohan, it's not all that strange to secretly wish for his permanent disappearance. Eventually Daniele, perhaps bothered by the other nagging HG's, heads to the Storage Room alone and demands to know where her father is. She emerges without an answer and then bitches to Brenchel about how she doesn't understand why they just don't tell her something. The underlying feeling is that maybe, just maybe, Dick has had a medical emergency. This isn't all that far-fetched. Did you see Dick when he entered the house? He was bloated, red and couldn't even bother to shave for his triumphant return to the game he once dominated. I still maintain he was wasted throughout his entire sequester. Could it be withdrawal from the powdery stuff? Heart palpitations? Beerless tremors? No one knows. Adam is pretty much convinced Dick's dead. He wonders out loud if Daniele would leave the game if Dick had an emergency. On the outside he appears somewhat concerned, but on the inside you know he's thinking "2 down. 11 to go! Grrrrrr!! Rowr!!"

In the end, Dick is gone. He is out of the game. Daniele was called into the DR, the feeds went down and when they came back up it was official. Dick is no longer in Big Brother 13 and Daniele is the bearer of the first Golden Key. Whatever went down it was something big. I can't go into too much detail, but let's just say that the powers that be at Big Brother were scrambling all night trying to figure out how to deal with this mess left by Dick's departure. Personally, I could care less that Dick's gone. I was never a fan and the less bravado in my life, the better. That doesn't change the fact that the mystery still remains. Does it have to do with video below? Or is it because of all those phone calls Dick made as soon as he found out he was going in? You didn't really think he kept this all a secret, did you? An attention whore never passes up an opportunity to brag. Remember that and you'll go far in life. The secret spilling and the video don't add up to a valid reason to have him removed from the game so... until we hear from the man himself, let the speculation begin. Was it a medical emergency? Did Dick throw a tantrum? I'm leaning towards the latter, but what do you guys think? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


Evel Dick - Season 13 from Patrick ONeill on Vimeo.

To find out what happened in the house in the wee hours after I passed out (I had every intention of staying up, but a diet of gin and pop-tarts tends to lead to a heavy crash around the 5am hour), I encourage you to check out onlinebigbrother.com for the rest of the night's drama. Give me a few days for my schedule to adjust. I was clearly no match for the overwhelming crankiness I felt last night after seeing one Miss Rachel Reilly. Mix that with a half a valium and it's curtains for me.

Or, if you want to want to watch the live feeds yourself, click below and take advantage of the free trial.

The Final Countdown

It all ends today bitches. The Early Bird Discount, a full night's sleep, the healthy glow I've acquired from cavorting outdoors. All of it. Gone. Poof!

If you've already gotten your Live Feeds from this here little bloggy blog, thank you. I'm a one woman show who's about to sacrifice her entire summer/social life/sanity in favor of coming here and writing succulently delicious blogs for you everyday. Every. Day. EVERYDAY! It's a daunting task, but as Bryan Adams once said, "Everything I do, I do it for you."

If you haven't gotten your Live Feeds yet, today is your last chance to get in on the Early Bird Discount. $29.99 for the entire summer. After today the price goes up to $14.99 a month. If you're a hardcore Big Brother fan, the Live Feeds are truly the only way to watch the show. I can't imagine going back to only watching the CBS show. It's a mere skeleton of what really goes on in the house. Click on the link below and you'll be whisked away to a sign in page where you'll also have the opportunity to add on the mobile app.





Here's how it'll work... I'll stare glassy-eyed at the Live Feeds til kingdom come and then I'll come here daily salivating at the mouth where I'll write about what I saw. It may take a few days for me to get a routine going. It all depends on how late this new cast stays up at night. I prefer to write when the HG's are sleeping so blogs can go up anywhere between 10am - 2pm EST during this first week. Once I get a schedule going, they'll go up at roughly the same time everyday. Follow me on Twitter or friend me on Facebook for instant updates whenever a new blog post goes up.

Agree with me, disagree with me - all comments (except spam, ads, plugs for own crappy sites) will be approved.

So, pass my link on and tell your friends where to find me. I'm taking no prisoners this summer. The gloves are off and here I sit wearing nothing but a smile and clutching my pitchfork. If the rumored returning Houseguests are indeed the ones in the house right now, I can promise - with every fiber of my being - that this is going to be one ca-razy summer. Souls will be crushed, girls will cry, men will be douchey and here I'll sit laughing at it all. I'll probably like who you hate and hate who you like. It's part of my charm. I don't do it intentionally. I just go with my gut. For instance, right now my gut is telling me that I'm going to make a lot of enemies this summer. Hooray! Let the madness begin.

A Noodle In Your BB13 Kaboodle

Before you fire up the grill, spread macaroni salad all over your naked body and wrap the neighbors cat in fireworks, don't forget to get those Big Brother 13 Live Feeds! Time is running out bitches - like sands through the hourglass - and you don't want to find yourself next Thursday saying, "Oh shit. I knew I forgot to do something!"

Click on the link, get it over with and then go have yourselves a kickass holiday weekend. Just remember though, a noodle stuck in your kaboodle is no fun for anyone. Wash yourselves thoroughly. And, if you shove a firework up a bodily orifice, send me a photo of the aftermath. Thank you.

Shelly: Coifing It

Last one! Shelly Moore is a 41 year old Corporate Executive from Baton Rouge, Louisiana. She's incredibly tan and likes to talk a lot with her hands. I think I'll refer to her hair as a "coif" - it's a Meg Ryan coif. Nothing wrong with that. Ms. Shelly loves herself some Big Brother and it's sort of precious the way her eyes light up when talking about the show. On my gut instinct, I like her. She puts her whole body into whatever she's saying and she's got a nice throaty voice with a southern drawl - I wonder if she's a smoker.

Her plan is to be classy with a sprinkle of ruthlessness. How about ruthless with a sprinkle of classy? That's sounds more my style.

Shelly's got a big personality and I'll bet she's one of those people who approaches life with excitement and fervor. She's what I might call a "tough broad". There's not much for me to pick on here. I mean, she seems like a nice lady. I dig her enthusiasm. My only real concern is who she teams up with. We've all heard the rumors and let's just say I can see her teaming up with a certain duo and then never leaving their side for the rest of the game. That would be a tragedy for Shelly... at least on this blog it would be. I don't play fair. I will judge you for who you team up with. It's part of my charm.

My hopes for Shelly is that she plays her own game and doesn't fall for the rusty remnants of star power she'll be confronted with. Only time will tell...

Let's check out her CBS video:




What do you guys think? She's definitely not bland. I think there's something there. Do you agree? Disagree? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Thanks to everyone who's been supporting this blog. Every click helps. You guys rock my world.

Porsche: Nothin' Special

Porsche Briggs is a 23 year old cocktail waitress from Florida and is, for some reason, named after a car. I can't take her seriously when all I'm wondering is "Did her parents name her that? Is she considering a career in porn?" I'm going to be really honest here, I'm watching her video and hoping that those ruffles on her shirt come to life and strangle her. I'd like little tiny yellowing claws to jut out of that blouse and pierce her jugular. Just a nick. That's all I need. Just one really quick swipe and then she'll be out of my life forever.

Look, I don't care who she's friends with or what movie star she's dated, I don't like her. Maybe it's because she's following the scrumptious Lawon or maybe it's because she seems really really fucking boring. If you say Daniele Donato is your favorite Houseguest, I simply have to assume you're just not very bright. Daniele Donato was a whiny little snot who gave us nothing but booty shorts and Uggs.

It's not all a lost cause for Miss Chevrolet though. She could team up with some of the people I'm rooting for or possibly get rid of some of the unsavory returning characters I hate. That would win her some points with me, but on first impressions - eh. I'm not feeling it at all. Nothing sparkles here. Nothing stands out. She's cute, but that's not enough.

I kind of want to cruise (car joke intended) through this one and move on:




What do you guys think? Does anything about her personality seem exciting? She could get into some fights I suppose. I guess I can see that happening. I just can't shake that "insufferable" vibe I'm getting from her. Fingers crossed she doesn't hook up with Lawon. Comment it out and let me know what you think.

No more lagging. Just get the feeds already dammit!

Lawon: Buckwild, Wow!

Lawon's real name is Lafayette and he currently stars on a killer show called True Blood. In his regular everyday life as a legal file clerk, you may refer to him as 39 year old Lawon Exum. Lawon is not only a long time Big Brother fan, but he's a pretty snazzy dresser. Giant collar, wide tie, denim suit and hair that says, "Hey there!". Lawon is a delicious southern specimen who thinks "vainness" is a word. It's really "vanity" Lawon, but we forgive you! It's that southern drawl with a hint of assuredness that sucks us right in, doesn't it? I'm only a few seconds into his interview, but I'm thinking he's glitter worthy. I've got my two bowls sitting here waiting for a booby dip. Let's see how the rest of his interview goes...

Just what I thought... AWESOME. If I could shrink Lawon down into the size of a tchotchke, I'd keep him forever on my mantel. Hands perched under my chin, I'd just stare and wait for a Lawonism -"I'm a ray o'sunshine", "Beautiful people, love it!", "You gotta be sexxxay!". I could listen to him talk for days. He's fabulosity in a denim suit with a 10,000 watt smile. How has he never entered my life before? I feel so robbed.

As soon as Big Brother ends, I want Lawon on a boat to Bravo and given his own show. Filing legal documents may not sound interesting, but when Lawon does it... Mmmph! Kapow! Werk.

Lawon is the full package - funny, smart, honest, conniving, witty, stylish, delicious. You can quote me right now - Lawon is going to give us some grrrreat DR. You have no idea how excited I am over a summer with Lawon. Beautiful people, love it!

Here's this tasty little morsel on CBS:





*pause for a booby glitter dip* Do you love him as much as I do? He's so good, right? Thank god! Comment it out bitches.

Lawon is SO feed worthy!

Keith: Keeping His Pimp Hand Strong

Keith is a 32 year old Human Resources Manager from Bolingbrook, Illinois and he is going to get on my every last nerve. He's a bit of a stammerer and it's kind of unnerving to listen to. "I'm a uh uh uh H.R. professional and umm uh uh I can I can I can I can read people very well and a homina homina homina Evel Dick." Meka leka hi, meka hiney ho.




As a religious man (Oh Christ!), Keith has no intentions of calling people out or talking badly about his fellow Houseguests. He won't be saying words like "shitdick", "cuntrag" or "festerpussy". His Christianity guides him and there's definitely a line drawn in the sand (probably the same sand with those silly footprints in it), but he'll still play the game and backstab. He'll just do it in a "different kind of way". How else do you backstab? Knife. Back. Stab. Hmmm, I'll go down to my laboratory and try to figure out a new way to backstab. I'll get back to you later with the results.

This devout Christian not only plans to bring his bible with him, but he plans on doing the hibbidy gibbidy with a lady friend or two - a WHITE lady friend or two. Bowm chicka wow wow. Yup, Keith's got jungle fever - blonde, brunette, he loves 'em all. No offense, but he's like the last person I want to see dipping his dipstick. I know a lot of Big Brother fans hate the showmances, but I'm all for the random slutty hook ups. I'm just not for Keith's random slutty hook ups. I'm going to call it right now - Keith will be hardcore all over Cassi which makes my hope that Cassi is a lesbian all the more delicious.

Absolutely nothing (other than a tasty piece of white ass) will ever make Keith stray from his religion. Both Ollie and Jameeka were weak. Weak! They gave into the devil and started cursing when put into high pressure situations. Keith isn't like that. Instead he'll just dip his dong into the closest blue-eyed blonde he can find. At least it's not cursing!

Keith isn't only about religion. Oh no sonny jim. Keith has his entire stay in the house all mapped out already. When he's not rubbing his skin against a luscious white girl, he'll be winning competitions, assembling alliances and making his select group of ladies ("Keith's Angels") do all the work for him. He'll have a harem of three who will work the rooms of the Big Brother house at night and then bring all the info they've acquired to Keith the next day. Now, I'm not a genius or anything, but that sounds a lot like what a pimp does. I just hope he does it while wearing platform shoes, bell bottoms and a large brimmed hat with a feather sticking out the top. If your strategy is to keep your pimp hand strong, you might as well go all out. Why the hell not?

Let's drink some Courvoisier and check out his CBS video, shall we?

So, what do we think of the religious fornicator? Personally, I'm not the least bit impressed. I'd like him out sooner than later. Comment it out and let me know your thoughts.

Get your live feeds! Get your live feeds!

Kalia: Voudoun Princess

Kalia Booker is a 30 year old writer from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania who belched in a P.A.'s face right before her interview started. Why she belched, I do not know. Maybe she was hitting up the craft services table a little too hard before her shoot began. Or, maybe she just didn't care for the P.A. adjusting her mic. All I know is she's wearing feathers in her ears and she might be a voodoo princess. In my mind, she sacrificed a chicken the morning of the interview for good BB mojo so we'll go ahead and run with that angle and see where it takes us.

Kalia is a long time Big Brother fan and insists that no other black girl on the show was ever as cute or as young or as vivacious as she is. *sigh* Really? You're pulling the race card out now? You couldn't wait at least a week or so to do that?

Kalia is a brow furrower as well, but what she brings to the table (that Dominic doesn't) is a wonderfully sassy neck twitch. Back and forth, back and forth, side to side. It's says "Oh no you di-in't!" and "Bitch, you crazy!" all at the same time. As long as she doesn't do the Jameeka hand clapping thing we might get along famously. I kind of like her, "There's no other girl like me" confidence. I say that very same thing to my mirror everyday.

And, let's be honest here, I think the word "Kalia" is Sanskrit for "Drama". If there's one thing I'm sure about, it's that Kalia probably won't let anyone push her around. I'm pegging her for a fighter. Had she shown up in a past season, I probably wouldn't have liked her right off the bat, but I've grown bitches. I've learned. Big personalities are live feed gold. We may dislike them, we may want to take their red extensions and flush them down the toilet, but big personalities are what keep us watching. Kalia may turn out to be horribly wretched or incredibly gaseous (she keeps talking about farts!), but I don't think she'll be boring and that's all I really care about anymore.

Look for Kalia to absolutely 100% throw the first HOH competition. She'll try to be subtle about it, but she'll definitely throw it. She thinks winning the first HOH will put a huge target on her back and she's looking at the bigger picture rather than the short game. This vegetarian is all about the money and she's not afraid to admit it. No in-house romances for her. Although, she will eat meat if she has to. Double entendre intended.

Let's see how she answers the fan questions:





So, what do you guys think? She's kind of evil, right? Lots of potential here. I have a feeling the BB fanbase will be very divided on this one. Comment it out and let me know which side of the fence you're on.

If you haven't gotten your feeds yet, please support this here little blog by clicking below.

Dominic: Head On A Spike

Dominc is a 25 year old model from San Mateo, California and he's a giant douchebag. I am exactly 45 seconds into his interview and I'm already annoyed. Douchey McDoucherson is 100% on Big Brother to get famous. That cocky eyebrow raise and furrowing of the brow is only appealing if your name is Chuck Bass. Alright, I'm going to press play again, but I do it with great reluctance. Wish me luck.

"My only roommates are my mom and dad" *eye wink* "It's gonna be ca-razy. It's gonna be intense." Oh shut the fuck up. I hate you. Die.

Look Mario Lopez, you're making me twitch. How long did it take you to hand pluck those eyebrows anyways Phony McPhonerson? I swear to god, if you talk to the camera one more time, I'm telling everyone you have crabs Wilmer.

Ok, that's it. *throws hands up in the air* Dominic's favorite Houseguest is Enzo. No one's favorite Houseguest is Enzo. No one!



It literally pains me to watch this guy.. His bravado annoys me. His fauxhawk annoys me. His stupid shoes with the white laces annoy me. I want to take his face and smoosh it between my fingers until his eyeballs pop out and land somewhere where I can then squish them with the heel of my shoe. I want to watch the blood drain out of the stump of his neck while his face turns an ashen gray color and his fauxhawk wilts. The only way I will ever enjoy watching this kid if his head is on a spike outside my front door scaring away the neighbor kids.

Yeah, so, this guy sucks. Torture yourselves for all I care:





Doesn't he make your innards quiver with hate? Comment it out and let me know.

P.S. He has crabs.

I have yet to even watch the Superpass interviews with these HG's, but sign up and you can watch them yourself!

Cassi: Hosebeast Taker Downer

Next up is Cassi Colvin. She's a 26 year old model from Nashville and will tell you straight up, with no problem at all, that she's a recruit. She's never seen Big Brother before, but after having watched a few seasons she was immediately sucked into the black hole that I'm currently flailing around in. It's a lot like trying to swim through a vat of molasses. Your hair sticks to your eyeballs and, inevitably, your pants come off.

Her accent is thick, but I don't mind it so much. I like her confidence and poise. And, any opportunity for me to type things like, "Ahm jess lookin' ta hayevv a good tahm een tha howse an' meet sum new paypull" is always good fun. Now I know why Rooster Ralph (Survivor: Redemption Island) was put on this Earth - to train me for Big Brother 13.

Cassi is a beautiful girl - there's no doubting that - but she says that she doesn't care for judgmental people. Well, excuuuuuuse me! Judgmental people are what makes the world go round girlfriend. Judgmental people put those pennies in my PayPal account I'll have you know. When you're pretty, you're judged. Bitches get jealous, they key your car, they slip in insults when they want you to think they're complimenting you. That'll never change honeypie. Just get used to it and give the haters the finger.

When asked about the possibilty of a showmance, Cassi became a little tongue tied. She doesn't plan on having one - which is what they all say - but she also doesn't know what she's looking for in a man. Call me crazy (or just wishful), but I'm thinking "closeted lesbian". Oh please please, pretty please, let Cassi be gay. There's nothing I love more than a hot chick with zero interest in the douchebags hitting on her and who instead secretly lusts after the girl in the next bed. Lesbians are great fun and I want one on Big Brother dammit. We always get our token gay man, but we really need a fun sexy lesbian to mix things up. She's probably straight as an arrow, but I'll keep my fingers crossed for a late night coming out of the closet moment.

Cassi doesn't give us many clues about her strategy and I'm ok with that. It's always so silly to me when people overplan and plot elaborate lies before even knowing who they're playing with or what the twist is. She doesn't strike me as a windowlicker and I think she'll pick up her own strategy fairly quickly once the game starts. There's not much for me to dislike Cassie for yet. Her favorite word is "shit" and she seems comfortable in front of the camera. I'm also not getting a famewhore vibe at all. Then again, I completely misjudged Rachel last year and will never live that down so, who knows?

There is, however, a potential for boredom here. I can't tell if she'll be evil and crafty in the house or if she'll float her way through the game with nonconfrontation. It's going to be a waiting game with Cassi, but upon first impressions, she doesn't bug me... yet.

Let's watch her CBS video:





So, what do you guys think of Miss Cassi? Are we sensing any bitch potential here? How do you think she'll get along with the returning Houseguests? I don't know about you, but I think Cassi is my ticket to a certain rancid hosebeast being taken down a few notches. Comment it out bitches and let me know if we're on the same wavelength.

Don't forget to get your Live Feeds! This season just got a hell of a lot more interesting.

Adam: Heavy Metal Chucky Doll

Our first Houseguest is Adam Poch. Adam is 39 and hails from Hoboken, New Jersey. He says he's a music inventory manager, but I think we all know that really means he stocks the CD's at Walmart. Husky voice, burly frame, Adam isn't your typical Houseguest. First, I swear he farted in the middle of one of his interviews. And second, he calls himself "the heavy metal teddy bear". Giving yourself a nickname is right up there with having your name etched on a bowling ball. You just don't do it.

Adam's the guy you see at the local bar pounding beers and shouting, "Put on some Skynyrd!". He's the goofy one who shoves 18 chicken wings in his mouth just to get a laugh. But if he gets drunk enough, he also might break your face if you look at his woman wrong. Car shows are a weekend pastime and Pay Per View wrestling is always a reason to throw a party.

After a quick glance at the rest of the Houseguests, I think Adam will have a tough time fitting in. He's a little older, a little rough around the edges, a little shifty in the eyes. An innocent look at a young hottie in a bikini, if caught, will get him labeled as "The Perv". A giant sense of humor would serve him well. Too bad I'm not seeing any hints of one.




Although, the more I watch his interview, the more I think that maybe he really is a softy. Maybe he'll be a father figure after all. Maybe he'll be the one whose shoulder you can cry on. But hold on there cowpokes. Mr. Adam is angry with BB12 Matt for lying about his wife's disease because now he can't use his own dead parents to win some sympathy. LOL Yup, you sure are a teddy bear Adam - a teddy bear with Manson eyes, acid for saliva and razor blades for fur. I didn't realize dead parents were a strategy now. That's a little creepy, no?

Eh. I don't think I like him. Annoying voices and accents (unless hot and British) really grate on my nerves. Listening to him talk, all I keep thinking is, "Clear your throat! Stop smoking! Shut up!". I'm looking for big confident entertaining personalities this time around and I'm just not seeing it here. In fact, I'm incredibly bored and I really wish he'd hurry up so I can move on.

And tell me this isn't the most boring video you've ever seen:





Maybe he'll prove me wrong. *shrugs shoulders* Who knows? What do you guys think of Adam? Yay or nay? Will he last long in the house? Comment it out bitches and if you haven't ordered the Live Feeds, get on it. Happy Hour should be chock full o' fun today. Don't miss out!