Friday, July 22, 2011

Inferno, Purgatorio, Suckaholio



I am lost. I am in a dense wooded area with only my wits and a thesaurus to guide me. To my right is a jagged crevasse. I can hear the shrill shrieking voices from deep within. Blood-curdling and full of pain, they beg for help, to be saved. To my left is a mountain of razor blades covered in stagnant festering body parts. Rotting arms, legs oozing maggots, an ear a cockroach has made his home. Before me runs the bubbling boiling acidic River Of Souls. Chartreuse in color, it sizzles and crackles while a cacophony of tiny whispers beg for redemption. Behind me is the Valley Of Death. Heads on spikes line its perimeter. Rabid wolves drool in wait. Everywhere is death. Everywhere is pain. Welcome to Big Brother 13 assholes. God, I hate this place!

Abandon all hope, you who enter here...



The eternally jealous beak-nosed red-headed harlot is our new HOH and I want to die. I want to jump into the River Of Souls and have it slowly eat away at my young nubile flesh. I don't care if the skin on my legs peels off into gnarled pieces of poisonous beef jerky. I don't care if my hair flakes off into a pile of ash. I don't care if my lungs bubble and boil while trying to take their last breath. I'll live here in this cesspool of putrid death and I'll smile while doing it. I've had quite enough of Rachel Reilly and her laughter. Quite enough of her temper tantrums. Quite enough of her incessant ugliness. I don't want her satisfied and smug or gloating and comfortable. I want her writhing in pain and feeling the hate America feels for her. I want every heinous thought a Big Brother fan has about Rachel Reilly to dig into her skin like a sadistic corkscrew. She's ruining my summer and I'm sick of it!



I take no pleasure in seeing Big Red happy and in charge. I look at her pasty skin and her hooked nose and all I want to do is shove her into a burlap sack of starving rats and listen to her scream. That would bring me joy. I could sit out on the terrace, pour myself a glass of wine and nibble on some foie gras if I had that soundtrack playing in my house. Instead I'm huddled in a corner jabbing rusty shish kabob spears into my eardrums trying to feel something, anything. I wear a bear trap on my ankle just for fun. I eat light bulbs because they go down smoother than one would imagine. Battery acid might as well be apple juice and poison oak makes a surprisingly delicious summer salad.




So Big Red gets her HOH room, but not after being attacked with pillows (filled with oranges) and Jordan threatening to leap to her death. You see, Rachel went into the DR to get her HOH key and the merry band of malcontents decided to prank her with a pillow fight when she finally emerged. It all went down as planned and everyone got their chance to pummel her about the head. Daniele joked they should have used knives instead and I was inclined to agree. When it was finally time to enter the HOH room, Jordan lurked behind and stared longingly over the edge of the balcony. It would be so simple if she just jumped. All of her problems would vanish. Sweet, merciful death is better than having to pretend to be happy for Rachel. I feel you Jordan, I truly do.

The HG's enter the new HOH room and immediately Brendon isn't happy. Why aren't there any photos of him in the room? Why isn't the letter full of playful anecdotes from his family? Why isn't the basket full of his favorite foods? Rachel, Rachel, Rachel! You see, Brendon claims that he gave up HOH for Rachel and now he's not getting any recognition for his oh so selfless deed. Give me a fucking break. Brendon did not throw HOH. His girlfriend is better at competitions than he is and to a controlling Marc Anthony like Brendon, it's more than humiliating. He spends a good portion of the evening pouting and eating his face.

Rachel, on the other hand, is angry for different reasons. She's angry that everyone is talking to Jeff and Jordan instead of her. She's the HOH. She's the HBIC. Why aren't the peasants up in the HOH kissing her ass? Daniele rolls her eyes and mumbles something about not caring and I'm sure the word "stupid" was sprinkled in there somewhere as well. Brendon cautions Rachel to cut it out and warns her that she is to under no circumstances talk game with anyone unless he is around to moderate the conversation. Rachel agrees and talk turns to who to nominate this week. At first it seemed like Kalia & Lawon were good candidates, but now Rachel is leaning a little bit more towards Adam & Dominic. Daniele would prefer to keep Dominic safe, but she can't outright tell Rachel to keep him off the block so she instead tries to convince Brendon & Rachel to set their targets on Adam. She says Dominic is trustworthy and on their side.



I have other ideas though. I'd like Rachel to nominate Kalia & Lawon. And then I'd like Adam & Dominic to get picked to play in the POV. I want them to win and then I want them to take Kalia & Lawon off the block. That leaves Rachel with only one option: to nominate Jeff & Jordan. Jeff will go ape shit insane, Jordan will be devastated that her worst nightmare of being separated from Jeff is about to become a reality and I get at least a moderately interesting week where I get to say "I told you so! I told you so!" over and over and over again. Jordan screwed up last week and I'll never let anyone convince me otherwise. I want her to go through the pain I'm going through right now. I want her to feel it ripping through her heart and tearing through her bones. You did this to us Jordan! And now, you must pay.

Today is both the food competition and nominations. Kalia will continue to push for Lawon to go home, Daniele will continue to try to save Dom and I can pretty much guarantee at least three Brendon & Rachel fights this week. You all know how I feel so now tell me how you feel? Are there any woodland creatures still alive in your neighborhoods? What body parts are you missing today? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Despite the heinous wretchedness ruling over the house, this could be an excellent week for feeds. Sign up for your free trial and experience the insanity for yourselves.

Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!

29 comments:

  1. jeff and jordan backdoored = the highpoint of my week...

    a gal can hope !

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  2. "I'd like Rachel to nominate Kalia & Lawon. And then I'd like Adam & Dominic to get picked to play in the POV. I want them to win and then I want them to take Kalia & Lawon off the block. That leaves Rachel with only one option: to nominate Jeff & Jordan. Jeff will go ape shit insane, Jordan will be devastated that her worst nightmare of being separated from Jeff is about to become a reality"

    Couldn't agree more with a better outcome. I hope this is what actually happens :)

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  3. While I am sure everyone would like to see J/J spanked for not nominating B/R, does anyone really want to envision a house with B/R but not J/J?? You think Rachel is powertripping now? Wait until one of Jeff or Jordan is gone.

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  4. I just wish that Julie Chen could have fudged the facts a little and made Brenchel eliminated so that a newbie would be HOH.

    This is the worst thing that could have happened this week. Ridiculous.

    All of these newbies suck! If they banded together from the beginning they would have been running the house! Idiots. No, they side with the veterans who will throw them under the bus at the first intersection because they don't really give a sh*t.

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  5. Sadness plays the violin in my head and my testicles have gone back inside my body. The simple fact that Big Red won again.... and the newbies could do nothing in that comp makes me miserable, is medically possible for a couple to switch parts? if so Brendum should give Rachel his dong and he should have her vagina aka slavering hole of red death....
    They both sicken me and the fact that BB brought them back to fuck up another summer must mean that Armageddon is not far off.
    BASTARDS......

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  6. I've decided that those chips with the names on them in the POV competition bag are rigged. Come on, first J/J get to play then the next week B/R are picked. Something is rotten in Denmark. Nothing personal if you're Danish ;-)

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  7. Dead on. When Rachel won last night, I wanted to kill a unicorn.

    Given Cassi's exit interview, though, I am thinking she is in sequester and may have an opportunity to come back in the game. It may be wishful thinking.

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  8. The only thing that consoled me last night after Horribleness won is that I knew Bitchy Big Brother would have a good blog post about the situation. I just can't stand her.

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  9. Yep,... this outcome from Thursday night most certainly sucks big time,... but, if in the coming week, that scenario like you outlined with Jeff & Jordon ending up on the block instead of a lame newbie,.. they'll still be hope for some eventual justice against annoyingly lame-o Brenchel.

    I hope it comes to be,.... 'cause I'm sick of both dem' silly bitches!

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  10. I totally see where you are coming from with Jeff and Jordan getting backdoored. I would love to see them pay for not getting Rachel out. BUT I think I would rather see a newbie ousted because if there is a vote or something for an evicted HG to come back in and a Vet is in the mix, then you know it will be the Vet (Jeff) coming back. If they are having a HG come back in I would rather it be one of the newbies and it would be an even playing field.

    Actually they have no right to even give a Vet the option of coming back in. They've already had their second chance and it would be completely unfair to put someone like Jeff who has had 2 years to make fans, against someone like Keith who had a week.

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  11. First things first. Excellent blog today considering. My soul died a little bit when those vile creatures walked in the door the first episode. Brendon is just as bad as her, and them together is just absolute hell. When she won last night I literally could have punched a kitten I was so fucking mad. Jordan DESERVES to stay in the house with them after they get back doored and Jeff is sent home. It would be wrong for them to let her out of that house. She should be just as miserable as us, if not more. This week is going to be so fucking miserable. Yes, she will gloat, bitch, moan, and fight with brendon, but who is really going to talk shit back to her. Cassi probably would have, but that's all fucked. There's no "Ragan" this year. Damn it all to hell, those other house guests are all good for nothing.

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  12. @summer
    I agree those chips are rigged.

    I remember Smelly telling the others that she told Cassie that she was the mystery vote( customer she felt shitty). Yet they edited that part out out. They never did a post interview either. A twist is coming I hope the joke is on the two headed beast!

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  13. A cheery thought. The Lawon/ backdooring JJ option goes down. JJ go to everyone and say that if they vote poor Jordan out, Jeff will make BR life a living hell. They will be begging to leave. He then spends the rest of the time (W/ the other hg's votes) putting them up for eviction, calling B out for his internet antics, eating chocolate chip cookies in front of R and partying hard drinking TEQUILA!!! with the other house guests.

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  14. I'd like whoever Rachel doesn't want to go to be evicted. Anything she wants I want the opposite. She is the devil's spawn here to torture us and ruin the summer. The only way to conquer her is to not let her have her way.

    Ugh. I can't stand her. I loathe her almost as much as I hate those orange crocs Lawon insists on wearing. Almost. *shivers*

    And why is everyone letting Dani slither around unchecked? That girl will be the downfall of all if they don't watch out.

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  15. Incredible opening, as usual. You mentioned the two things I was thinking last night as well. Rachel does a lot of things that irk me, but nothing more than when she said "I'm HOH, why is everyone talking to Jeff and Jordan?" Besides making EVERYONE cry after Cassi left, she STILL didn't understand people just don't like her... at all. It's like in her mind, once Cassi was gone, she'd be Queen, the prettiest, the Greek Goddess everyone would adore. Sorry Rachel, you still need to get out Daniele, Porsche, Jordan, Kalia, and shit, I'd have sex with some of the guys before her. And I agree, I really hope Jeff and Jordan get backdoored, as much as I like them, it's their damn fault this shit happened. It sucks I missed Brendon acting like a drama queen again, but the more he tries to control her, the more I hope she punches him out and BB throws her out... hey, none of these other dickheads can win anything, it might be the only way.

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  16. e Kalia & Lawon are so boring and add nothing to the show. Lawon has been the biggest let down he is funny in the diary room but does nothing around the house. Thesr two are so boring they should go this week. Racheal at least gives us something to watch with all her antics.

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  17. Did you hear the sad tale that Jordan had of her relationship with Jeff? It was very telling. She said that he won't let her snuggle him because he gets too hot. Not hot- hot, but throw off the blanket it's too warm hot. (Jordan also commented about the sheets Big Red and Brendon left behind as Pinto squeezed her pimples)

    Does anyone know what Brendon said to Cassi as she hugged him goodbye? It sounded like he was gloating over her leaving. It sounded like he said "Rachel and I got into your head in the end" I have listened to this an inordinate amount of times for a grown woman to admit, but Brendon is just as bad as Rachel.

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  18. I'm sure I wasn't the only one that noticed ducklips cunt move of positioning herself by the door. Her Fugly face being the last thing Cassie saw exiting the house.

    @Alli
    Me too! >:-(

    @Danthehafaball
    LOL noticed that.well said

    @Ava
    I noticed that.

    Lawon isn't the sassy..witty black Guy I was hoping for. Tyler perry is human benadryl with her monotone "I went to a white school" valley girl voice.

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  19. Rachel is so much like my ex wife that I shake when I watch the show.

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  20. Just like last year... Nobody can tell me production does not control who wins comps on Big Brother. This is just like last year except for the fact that there is no Matt to offset Brendon and Rachel. They got her out last year, AG brought her back. Why? To make the other house guests and every person in America sick, even if just for a day. They come up with a twist, basically 8 vs 6 and one of those leave early and still that God awful bitch is in control. This isn't pure coincidence people. After this week, if Dom leaves the plan will be made clear since the only person able to win a comp will be Adam, and he will only win if it's a BLT eating contest. I pray the fortune teller drops a card and brings back not only Cassi but Brittney as well for an added bonus (she hasn't been posting on Twitter all that much lately so who knows). Something dramatic needs to happen really fast or I may just quit watching altogether.

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  21. The B&R fans hang out at the pussy ass BBdish blog where you aren't allowed to speak your mind. (Rolls eyes)

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  22. NOOO!!! How could she be HOH again!!! This is the worst thing that could have happened. What a nightmare. Rachel is an attention-w#@$%, brat, liar, snake, conniving b*&#$, ugly, rotten, drama queen. Brendon is a pushover, sticks his lips out when he talks like a dork and is whiny and a jerk. I honestly am annoyed at Jordan but even if her choice pissed me off, I think it was quite logical to realize her alliance would turn on her if she put Rachel and Brendon on the block. I like Jordan and Jeff. I think they are smart (especially Jeff) and Jordan is a sweetheart. I loved Cassie, she is so gorgeous, honest and sweet...I just don't understand why girls have to hate because they weren't born as pretty as her. Suck it up Porscha and Rachel and Danielle! EUW! Porscha should be gone instead of Cassie. Too bad they didn't pair up so it could even have a chance of working that way. I think Rachel is going to put Dom and Adam back on the block.. oh well, I don't care for them much. I think Dom is lame because he liked Cassie but once he started flirting it up with Danielle he threw Cassie to the wolves. And I don't like Kalia, I think she is a big baby from that Have-Not competition.

    Err.. besides my tiny rant... this is quite an intense blog and you guys all have some great feedback, pretty hilarious to be honest :)

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  23. Jordan will regret not getting rid of Brenchel... Her twisted, misguided sense of loyalty to those self-serving assholes frustrated me to no end. Now the regrets... I only hope that someone will clear the fog out of their brains and figure out a way to drain the pus out of this season and put those two out of the house. Brendon and Rachel must go... the sooner, the better. Wake me up if it gets good! LaLa, you ROCK, Bitch! BTW, my Fairy name is "Briar Iceweb".

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  24. I've got the bitchy bb jones, Colette, where are you when we need you? Sunday and no posts for two days. Sup wid that?

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  25. I'll be back tomorrow. I had some personal stuff to take care of.

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  26. Hope it wasn't anything you couldn't handle. This season, more than ever, your column is more interesting and amusing than BB itself. CBS is going to "tweak" it out of existence, as evidenced by the ratings drop.

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  27. Glad you are ok... was getting worried... ran out of fairy dust for healing spell...

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  28. Excellent recap. It hurt to see the Red One win HOH again!!! I'm listening to Juanes to ease the pain :)

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