Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Young love. Young ooey gooey stick your finger down your throat love. Exasperating, infuriating, hallucinating love. When acid drips tenderly from tongues, it's love! Eyes yellow, zits pulsate, skin crawls and romance is afoot. Long haired freshly scrubbed virgins dance in fields of thorns. Knights in shining armor trip clumsily over their swords. Yet somehow they find each other, rub their skins together and create a love so pungent it burns a hole in the atmosphere. Love isn't always wrapped in tinsel and sprinkled with powdered sugar you know. Sometimes love has gnarly claws and oozes pus. Sometimes it's Satanic and secreting cat intestines. It's all in the flip of the coin of life that determines which one you'll get. Either way, love is beautiful and it is this beauty that I want to talk about today. Let's recap, shall we?
The day began with a fart. A loud gaseous putrid fart. Kalia is awake, my friends, and it's time to grab all the canned goods and freeze-dried apocalyptic meals and head down to our nuclear fall out shelters. Homegirl is hungry and unless we all run and hide forthwith, District 13 will suffer a famine the likes of which no society has ever seen before. Thanks to my extreme couponing, I am also contributing 123 bottles of dish soap and 462 tubes of toothpaste to our stockpile. We should be fine for at least several months. I realize Kalia is an unstoppable beast with an abyss for a stomach but, seriously, how much dish soap can one heifer eat?
With a fart to propel her, Kalia heads to the Storage Room to stick her face into a bag of ham. Dominic enters and the two get to talking. Kalia is thrilled she wasn't nominated this week and says that she, Dominic and Lawon could really could some damage if they wanted to. Damage? *looks around the room* What kind of damage? Soiling the bedsheets kind of damage? Eating some ceramic fruit because you thought they were real kind of damage? What is this damage you speak of Kalia? The damage Kalia is referring to is a flimsy sort of a scotch-taped together Newbie alliance. They've been in the house for weeks and now, today, they decide that a Newbie alliance might not be that bad of an idea. Dominic insists he'll have no problem nominating Brendon & Rachel while Kalia insists that the pepperjack brick of cheese she just ate is about to eek out of her butthole. It's a conversation that leads nowhere, accomplishes nothing and leaves behind a stench so powerful it'll burn your eyelashes off.
Trudging on... Brendon is cooking up some slop confit and Rachel kids that Brendon must not love her because he hasn't prepared her a bowl as well. Well, by the way Brendon reacted you would have thought Rachel had pointed and said, "Penis boy! Penis boy! You're a skanky penis boy!" But no, all she wanted was some slop. For some reason, this made Brendon furious and thus begins fight #2065. Brendon scolds Rachel for being too emotional and affectionate in front of the other Houseguests. Rachel whines and says Brendon is overreacting. Brendon insists he's not trying to control her and round and round and round we go. Meanwhile, in the other room, an innocent pot of slops begins to burn.
The young lovers take their squabble outside so as not to alert the rest of the house that something is amiss. Rachel begins by saying that she won't hang out with Dominic anymore. I have no idea how Dominic got into this conversation, but let's just roll with it. There's a lot of shit we won't understand, but that doesn't mean it's not fun to watch or relive. Brendon says that all of the events of this past week have put huge targets on their back and Rachel is pretty much to blame for all of it. Typically, Rachel resonds with a whimper and a whine, but today Big Red responded with, "I'm fucking pissed off right now! You're being such an asshole!" *bites fist and reaches for a bowl of glitter* She continues her tongue lashing telling Brendon to stop controlling her and "You're not my father!" *dips one booby into the bowl* Wide-eyed and lurching, Brendon tells her to keep her voice down. Just at that moment, Shelly sauntered out with a cig hanging from her lips and a jaunty strut. Brendon grabbed his harlot by the hair and inside they head into the Tarot Room.
Immediately, Brendon tells Rachel never to call him an asshole again. It's not befitting a pretend doctor like him. It affects his research and his career will vanish into thin air if she keeps calling him names like that. Rachel replies saying that Brendon has essentially ended their relatioship because he didn't make her some slop. Well, that infuriates Brendon and he clenches his fist and punches the air. He didn't punch Rachel. He wasn't going to punch Rachel. He just punched the air. I saw a lot of people getting upset that he was about to beat her up or something, but that's simply not true. He emotionally abuses her and she emotionally abuses him. It's very tit for tat with these two. They have the uncanny ability of sucking the life from one another and turning each other into the most vile representations of themselves. Clearly, they get off on it so let them have their fun and let me continue to watch it all play out.
So, Brendon punches the air and then threatens to leave the game. He doesn't care anymore. He'll throw HOH's. He'll leave. He'll stop playing his "social game". Basically, he's a baby not getting it's way. He's hurling his binky across the room and tossing his oatmeal on the floor. Rachel takes one look at him and calls him a psycho. Uh oh. Brendon likes the word "psycho" about as much as he likes the word "asshole". You don't call Brendon a psycho! Rachel scoffs and tells him, "You're the worst fighter." *giggles* Brendon replies with "Stop it! Keep your voice down." And thus begins the "Shhhh" part of the fight.
Apparently, Brendon has very delicate eardrums. The sound of a feather falling or a fairy burping is like a sonic boom to one Mr. Brendon Villegas. His dainty ears simply can't take the noise and this is a little taste of what the conversation morphed into:
Miraculously, this clusterfuck turns into some game talk. Rachel thinks that Jeff & Jordan are going to turn against them. Brendon tells Rachel to keep her voice down and then insists that they're not. Rachel burbles and Brendon tells her she needs to change her attitude about the game. Rachel calls him stupid and says her attitude is fine. She'll just win all the competitions from here on out and there will be no problems. She gets up and tries to leave, but Brendon won't let her. He wants to straighten this out before they part in anger. Rachel sighs and says they're the biggest targets in the game because everyone is scared of them. Brendon freaks out because she's simply not "shushing" enough. Shhhh! Shh a'shh shh a'shh a'shh. Rachel replies with, "You're so ridiculous." Brendon responds, "Shhh." Rachel replies, "You're so insensitive!" Brendon says, "Shhhh!!!! Keeeeeeep your voice down!!" Then Rachel smacked him across the face with her lizard tongue. Seriously, this shit went back and forth and back and forth for an eternity.
The worst part about the fight was the ending. The tongue wrestling ending. My headphones echoed with slurps and gropes. My ovaries crawled up into my esophagus and I knew I'd never procreate... ever. The low moans, the little wriggles... *gag* Hands searching over bodies, eyes clenched shut, tongues probing. I'm never eating again. Hey Kalia, you hungry? Here, have my fridge. Help yourself to my pantry as well. I don't need them anymore. I've decided to live off of air and hope. Hope that I'll never allow myself to sit through another Brenchel make out session for as long as I live.
After a thorough scrubbing of my eyeballs, I was able to catch a conversation with Cassi & Shelly. Apparently, Dick told Shelly to watch out for Cassi and that Cassi was up in the HOH all that first week working on getting a Golden Key. I don't believe it. Shelly doesn't believe it. And, Cassi was pissed. She wonders if Dick saw a chink in her relationship with Rachel from the very beginning and then set out to utilize it to his advantage. It's possible, but I guess we'll never know. Cassi swears to Shelly repeatedly that she wasn't doing what Dick said she was doing. Shelly is totally cool about it and says she never believed Dick in the first place.
In between bites, Kalia found some time in her busy day to bitch about Cassi. She's sick of Cassi going around saying that she played with integrity and then she promptly tells Daniele everything Cassi has ever said about anything. Kalia is so far up the Oldies asses, it's unreal. She's ratted out Lawon, Dominic, Adam, Cassi, Shelly, the alternates, those of you thinking of applying... everyone. Kalia likes to run her mouth almost as much as she likes to eat. I can't stand this girl and the sooner she's out of the house, the happier I'll be.
Checking in with Jeff & Jordan, we find a little paranoia. Jordan thinks that Rachel is beginning to turn on them and I wonder WHY THE HELL SHE COULDN'T FIGURE THIS OUT SOONER! Of course Rachel wants to get rid of her! Brendon & Rachel are already fuming that Jeff has America's Favorite in the bag. You don't really think they'll let Jordan sneak to the end again with her sweet Southern Belle routine, do you? Brendon & Rachel are the polar opposites of Jeff & Jordan. They're intense, strategic, prepared and hate, more than anything, to see people who don't "deserve" to be in the game stay in the game for long periods of time.
Jordan checks in with Rachel in the HOH and I'm not sure what Jordan expected to hear, but Rachel basically told her what she wanted to hear. "Of course I'm not after you. Of course we'll fight to the end together. I haven't said a word about Jeff. Yes Jordan, you're just being paranoid." Jordan seemed pleased with that explanation and that was that. They'll stick to their plan and Rachel assures Jordan that she won't be separated from Jeff before Jury. Final four all the way baby! Yeah, rrrrrright.
Dear Baby Jesus in heaven, Please have Rachel evict Jeff from the house the week before Jury starts. Thank you. Amen.
And that's where I'll end this today. How long do you think it'll take before the Oldies implode? Have you hidden your rations safely from Kalia? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!