Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Zip It

Young love. Young ooey gooey stick your finger down your throat love. Exasperating, infuriating, hallucinating love. When acid drips tenderly from tongues, it's love! Eyes yellow, zits pulsate, skin crawls and romance is afoot. Long haired freshly scrubbed virgins dance in fields of thorns. Knights in shining armor trip clumsily over their swords. Yet somehow they find each other, rub their skins together and create a love so pungent it burns a hole in the atmosphere. Love isn't always wrapped in tinsel and sprinkled with powdered sugar you know. Sometimes love has gnarly claws and oozes pus. Sometimes it's Satanic and secreting cat intestines. It's all in the flip of the coin of life that determines which one you'll get. Either way, love is beautiful and it is this beauty that I want to talk about today. Let's recap, shall we?

The day began with a fart. A loud gaseous putrid fart. Kalia is awake, my friends, and it's time to grab all the canned goods and freeze-dried apocalyptic meals and head down to our nuclear fall out shelters. Homegirl is hungry and unless we all run and hide forthwith, District 13 will suffer a famine the likes of which no society has ever seen before. Thanks to my extreme couponing, I am also contributing 123 bottles of dish soap and 462 tubes of toothpaste to our stockpile. We should be fine for at least several months. I realize Kalia is an unstoppable beast with an abyss for a stomach but, seriously, how much dish soap can one heifer eat?

With a fart to propel her, Kalia heads to the Storage Room to stick her face into a bag of ham. Dominic enters and the two get to talking. Kalia is thrilled she wasn't nominated this week and says that she, Dominic and Lawon could really could some damage if they wanted to. Damage? *looks around the room* What kind of damage? Soiling the bedsheets kind of damage? Eating some ceramic fruit because you thought they were real kind of damage? What is this damage you speak of Kalia? The damage Kalia is referring to is a flimsy sort of a scotch-taped together Newbie alliance. They've been in the house for weeks and now, today, they decide that a Newbie alliance might not be that bad of an idea. Dominic insists he'll have no problem nominating Brendon & Rachel while Kalia insists that the pepperjack brick of cheese she just ate is about to eek out of her butthole. It's a conversation that leads nowhere, accomplishes nothing and leaves behind a stench so powerful it'll burn your eyelashes off.

Trudging on... Brendon is cooking up some slop confit and Rachel kids that Brendon must not love her because he hasn't prepared her a bowl as well. Well, by the way Brendon reacted you would have thought Rachel had pointed and said, "Penis boy! Penis boy! You're a skanky penis boy!" But no, all she wanted was some slop. For some reason, this made Brendon furious and thus begins fight #2065. Brendon scolds Rachel for being too emotional and affectionate in front of the other Houseguests. Rachel whines and says Brendon is overreacting. Brendon insists he's not trying to control her and round and round and round we go. Meanwhile, in the other room, an innocent pot of slops begins to burn.

The young lovers take their squabble outside so as not to alert the rest of the house that something is amiss. Rachel begins by saying that she won't hang out with Dominic anymore. I have no idea how Dominic got into this conversation, but let's just roll with it. There's a lot of shit we won't understand, but that doesn't mean it's not fun to watch or relive. Brendon says that all of the events of this past week have put huge targets on their back and Rachel is pretty much to blame for all of it. Typically, Rachel resonds with a whimper and a whine, but today Big Red responded with, "I'm fucking pissed off right now! You're being such an asshole!" *bites fist and reaches for a bowl of glitter* She continues her tongue lashing telling Brendon to stop controlling her and "You're not my father!" *dips one booby into the bowl* Wide-eyed and lurching, Brendon tells her to keep her voice down. Just at that moment, Shelly sauntered out with a cig hanging from her lips and a jaunty strut. Brendon grabbed his harlot by the hair and inside they head into the Tarot Room.

Immediately, Brendon tells Rachel never to call him an asshole again. It's not befitting a pretend doctor like him. It affects his research and his career will vanish into thin air if she keeps calling him names like that. Rachel replies saying that Brendon has essentially ended their relatioship because he didn't make her some slop. Well, that infuriates Brendon and he clenches his fist and punches the air. He didn't punch Rachel. He wasn't going to punch Rachel. He just punched the air. I saw a lot of people getting upset that he was about to beat her up or something, but that's simply not true. He emotionally abuses her and she emotionally abuses him. It's very tit for tat with these two. They have the uncanny ability of sucking the life from one another and turning each other into the most vile representations of themselves. Clearly, they get off on it so let them have their fun and let me continue to watch it all play out.

So, Brendon punches the air and then threatens to leave the game. He doesn't care anymore. He'll throw HOH's. He'll leave. He'll stop playing his "social game". Basically, he's a baby not getting it's way. He's hurling his binky across the room and tossing his oatmeal on the floor. Rachel takes one look at him and calls him a psycho. Uh oh. Brendon likes the word "psycho" about as much as he likes the word "asshole". You don't call Brendon a psycho! Rachel scoffs and tells him, "You're the worst fighter." *giggles* Brendon replies with "Stop it! Keep your voice down." And thus begins the "Shhhh" part of the fight.

Apparently, Brendon has very delicate eardrums. The sound of a feather falling or a fairy burping is like a sonic boom to one Mr. Brendon Villegas. His dainty ears simply can't take the noise and this is a little taste of what the conversation morphed into:

Miraculously, this clusterfuck turns into some game talk. Rachel thinks that Jeff & Jordan are going to turn against them. Brendon tells Rachel to keep her voice down and then insists that they're not. Rachel burbles and Brendon tells her she needs to change her attitude about the game. Rachel calls him stupid and says her attitude is fine. She'll just win all the competitions from here on out and there will be no problems. She gets up and tries to leave, but Brendon won't let her. He wants to straighten this out before they part in anger. Rachel sighs and says they're the biggest targets in the game because everyone is scared of them. Brendon freaks out because she's simply not "shushing" enough. Shhhh! Shh a'shh shh a'shh a'shh. Rachel replies with, "You're so ridiculous." Brendon responds, "Shhh." Rachel replies, "You're so insensitive!" Brendon says, "Shhhh!!!! Keeeeeeep your voice down!!" Then Rachel smacked him across the face with her lizard tongue. Seriously, this shit went back and forth and back and forth for an eternity.

The worst part about the fight was the ending. The tongue wrestling ending. My headphones echoed with slurps and gropes. My ovaries crawled up into my esophagus and I knew I'd never procreate... ever. The low moans, the little wriggles... *gag* Hands searching over bodies, eyes clenched shut, tongues probing. I'm never eating again. Hey Kalia, you hungry? Here, have my fridge. Help yourself to my pantry as well. I don't need them anymore. I've decided to live off of air and hope. Hope that I'll never allow myself to sit through another Brenchel make out session for as long as I live.

After a thorough scrubbing of my eyeballs, I was able to catch a conversation with Cassi & Shelly. Apparently, Dick told Shelly to watch out for Cassi and that Cassi was up in the HOH all that first week working on getting a Golden Key. I don't believe it. Shelly doesn't believe it. And, Cassi was pissed. She wonders if Dick saw a chink in her relationship with Rachel from the very beginning and then set out to utilize it to his advantage. It's possible, but I guess we'll never know. Cassi swears to Shelly repeatedly that she wasn't doing what Dick said she was doing. Shelly is totally cool about it and says she never believed Dick in the first place.

In between bites, Kalia found some time in her busy day to bitch about Cassi. She's sick of Cassi going around saying that she played with integrity and then she promptly tells Daniele everything Cassi has ever said about anything. Kalia is so far up the Oldies asses, it's unreal. She's ratted out Lawon, Dominic, Adam, Cassi, Shelly, the alternates, those of you thinking of applying... everyone. Kalia likes to run her mouth almost as much as she likes to eat. I can't stand this girl and the sooner she's out of the house, the happier I'll be.

Checking in with Jeff & Jordan, we find a little paranoia. Jordan thinks that Rachel is beginning to turn on them and I wonder WHY THE HELL SHE COULDN'T FIGURE THIS OUT SOONER! Of course Rachel wants to get rid of her! Brendon & Rachel are already fuming that Jeff has America's Favorite in the bag. You don't really think they'll let Jordan sneak to the end again with her sweet Southern Belle routine, do you? Brendon & Rachel are the polar opposites of Jeff & Jordan. They're intense, strategic, prepared and hate, more than anything, to see people who don't "deserve" to be in the game stay in the game for long periods of time.

Jordan checks in with Rachel in the HOH and I'm not sure what Jordan expected to hear, but Rachel basically told her what she wanted to hear. "Of course I'm not after you. Of course we'll fight to the end together. I haven't said a word about Jeff. Yes Jordan, you're just being paranoid." Jordan seemed pleased with that explanation and that was that. They'll stick to their plan and Rachel assures Jordan that she won't be separated from Jeff before Jury. Final four all the way baby! Yeah, rrrrrright.

Dear Baby Jesus in heaven, Please have Rachel evict Jeff from the house the week before Jury starts. Thank you. Amen.

And that's where I'll end this today. How long do you think it'll take before the Oldies implode? Have you hidden your rations safely from Kalia? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!


  1. First off, great blog as usual. It's amazing how you can take a horrible season and make it interesting.

    Second, I'm so glad you said that about Rachel and Brendon. People have lost their minds this season over those two. I agree 100% that they both do the exact same thing to each other. As much as Brendon berates Rachel, Rachel berates Brendon. Her way is just more a bitchy, whiny way of doing it. But they both treat each other like crap. You're totally right...they get off on it. They also probably know that this will get them the most attention on the feeds and the episodes. If you notice, they both look to the camera a LOT during fights. Rachel always looks at the camera before she goes into one of her fake, tearless cries. It's nauseating.

    Anyway, that's my two cents. Thanks for keeping us all entertained. With the house filled with boring idiots, I know it can't be easy.

  2. All last year and then again this year I have heard the crap from Brendon and Rachel about how they want to "compete" to win the game. But who do they target? Not Kahlia, not Lawon, not Whoopdee do for Subaru. They target the people who are most capable of competing against them so who will be left in the end? The people they think they can cakewalk through. Old vs new aside, Jordan really blew it last week when she did not backdoor those two idiots and I cringe at the thought of having to see the Brenchel show all damned summer

  3. Let's all take a moment to hope that Rachel and Brendon NEVER breed !

    Can't wait for Dani to put Kalia in her place by nominating her the first chance she gets.

  4. I agree that Jordon blew it, not backdooring them. I barely caught the feeds yesterday, but it looks like I got the majority of it anyhow :P I saw Dom flirt with Dani, Brenchel fighting (I just walked away from my computer at that point), and Kalia eating. That seems to be about it :P

    Since Jordon was a fucking idiot this week, let's hope that Rachel wins HOH next week and blows J/J out of the water. THEN, I hope someone takes Rachel out.

  5. I wanted to go make something to eat so I could snack while I read this...but the cupboards were bare. I was Kalia'd. :(

    Ya know what I think about Kalia? I think she is the type of person who after she leaves BB, after she gets a sense of how the audience saw her, after she's viewed all of the episodes and some of the flashbacks, she will still NEVER see herself for what she truly is. In her mind she is and always will be Carrie Bradshawesque and will think we are al crazy for not seeing it.

  6. Girl. Please don't ever put up a picture of Brenchel tongue wrestling again. I got vomit on my dress. That'll be a bitch to get out. Bleck... ugh I can't stand these two.

    Where the hell is Honda Civic? Is it me or do we never see that girl?

    I want drama. I hope Cassi steps it up today. I want a fight. I want crying. SOMETHING.

  7. I don't get it - - what would this show be withOUT B&R? Boring that's what. I can see not liking them, getting on people's nerves, they fight about stupid shit, but they are PURE entertainment. I don't get how soooo many people can't seem to stand B&R, yet that is what the majority of the Big Brother comments seem to be about - B&R. Without them, what would we all talk about? I'm glad I can enjoy this season knowing that B&R at least bring the entertainment and are pretty good competitors too. I'm looking forward to when the time comes for B&R to go up on the block - no because I want them to go, but for the entertainment factor alone. This show would be pure shit if they didn't put people on that we all love to hate. Just my 2 cents on B&R :)

  8. At this point, think it would be great if Big Brother threw some kind of twist/power-play option in that would go to someone that really can't stand Brenchel & Kalia the Hut, & enable the holder to get em' all out in one fell sweep, with them all looking totally dumbfounded & stupid.

    That'd be something to see.

    Thanks, as always, for the great, hilarious recap that's so much more fun & entertaining than the actual show itself.

  9. I am getting to the point where I am ceasing to care about this season. I am bored, nauseated and the only good thing coming out of it is this blog. The five vets are going to sail through, everyone else is acting like barnacles. I do not care which of the five win. I am hoping that a newer person wins HOH, puts up JJ, backdoors BR and fireworks will ensue. Sadly, this will not happen. HOH will be handed to the vets and...the cycle begins again.

  10. If B&R weren't on the show, I'm sure the majority would focus even more on Jeff and Jordan and maybe the Cassi/Dom/Danielle triangle. They would also have no easy cop-out for Cassi going home because of her LACK of gameplay. There you go.

  11. "Penis boy! Penis boy! You're a skanky penis boy!"
    That made me LOL...literally. If I was assured someone would actually point and say that to him Id spend the money I cant afford to buy the feeds. Thanks for the laugh.
    Oh yeah, the rest of the blog was great too. But "Penis boy! Penis boy! You're a skanky penis boy!" ....words of beauty!

  12. The people who are saying that Brendon and Rachel are the only dramatic people on the show have a point. But the problem with them is that they are so overdramatic and attention sucking that they are practically the only focus. If they left then the others would come out of their own respective dramatic shells and we would get a VARIETY of drama instead of the Brenchel Mafia.

  13. ''It's not befitting a pretend doctor like him.''


    Great blog. Made me giggle from start to finish.

  14. @Brooke

    Good point,but I do prefer fresh meat to hate every season. I think most of us are just making due with the houseguests we have.

    As punishment for their stupidity J&J must be sentenced to death and fed to the two headed beast.

    Great blog,lala. Having a shit day here in the real world. Thanks for cheering me up with your witt.

  15. Priceless as usual. "Kalia insists that the pepperjack brick of cheese she just ate is about to eek out of her butthole" OMG! I'm still laughing. These visuals are amazing! Hopefully, I can get that particular visual out of my head before dinner time. Sucks for me if I don't. :-)

  16. Funny observation. They( Cassie,smelly & Jor) have tyler perry saying "ya'll" in her monotone valley girl voice.

    I noticed ducklips jackin on Cassie's style last night with her side swept hair and newsboy hat.

  17. How'd I know you watch Extreme Couponing? It's a bit repetitious, but on the whole...fascinating. LOL

    Great riff on Kalia.

    Brendan sure seems to have grown a backbone this season. His therapist must have really toughened him up after watching last summer.

    Yeesh! That pic of them kissing. Thank goodness I finished supper. I'm off food for the rest of the night.

    "In between bites, Kalia found some time in her busy day..." LMAO. Everybody's talking about Kalia & the eating. Maybe instead of a sex columnist she can become a food columnist when she leaves the BB house.

  18. LOL I've seen a few episodes of Extreme Couponing. They always buy shit I never need and thus the fascination. Why are there never coupons for wine or chocolate covered macadamia nuts? It's not fair.

  19. I am so tired of BR telling everyone who they can and cannot hang out with! They are bullies and I can't wait for them to leave.

  20. I just subscribed to the livefeeds-

    I will admit that I didn't believe all that I had been reading about how disgusting Kalia is. But 3 minutes into having feeds the beautiful Kalia finishes her cup of soup, belches louder than my large, angry German grandfather and begins stirring a giant bowl of jellybeans with a spatula- while making the ugliest face. How did this woman get cast?

  21. This was one of the funniest things I've read so far about the season. Hilarious stuff. I can't even tell when Rachel and Brendon are fake fighting, actually fighting, fake/real crying? Being upset? What couple fights 30 times in a week and always ends in kissing and hugging? Are they so starved for tv time? I had to laugh when you said they get off on this, cause there's no other explanation. For someone who's so self-conscious, paranoid, insane and talking about self mutilating herself all the time, I suppose Brendon's aggressive, abusive and controlling personality is perfect for Rachel, so by the heavens they're actually a perfect couple. I have no idea if the vets will implode because today Cassy was talking to Jordan about how Rachel will backstab and run over anyone in her way, including her and Jeff... and somehow Jordan ended up talking about her season, how Jesse ruled the house, and how she doesn't like guys with big muscles... So yeah, if it ain't Jeff who comes up with it, or Dom, or hell, anyone, Rachel and Brendon have this season in the bag. "She's ratted out Lawon, Dominic, Adam, Cassi, Shelly, the alternates, those of you thinking of applying... everyone." Definitely my favorite line lol. Keep up the great work.

  22. CBS should rethink their decision to cast people
    who passed the psych test...excluding B and R,
    of course. I doubt there is a shortage of crazies
    for reality shows. Why, oh why didn't Jordan
    backdoor B and R??? I'd cry, but I'm still
    laughing about "ginger dick cozy" from previous
    comments. Ms. Lala, if you want some macadamia
    nuts, contact Roseanne Barr.

  23. Dear Baby Jesus in Heaven, Please have Mike Burnett awake from his coma and select a good group of Survivor contestants this year.

  24. I would bet my left tit that Brenchel splits either before the end of the season or shortly thereafter. And then god help the next victims they latch onto.
    So sad to see Cassi go. Please, pretty please laden with fairy dust, bring Cassi back for another chance this season. Ratings would skyrocket if Rachel was still in the house and all other house guests were pissed at her. Cassi could have sweet revenge.
    * My money (or maybe even right tit) is on Adam to win this next HOH. I think he might be good at reading people and it will be a quiz on their personalities.

  25. Mistress Lala I love you, as always.

    It's obvious Rachel's laser focus campaign of reformation of her public persona will reap the harvest of her super human competitive efforts of the past. America will breathe a collective *sigh* of relief that we now know the "real" Rachel.

    Oh and lest I forget, Dr. Felis Catus triggers projectile emesis.