Sunday, July 17, 2011

Kill, Kill, Kill!

The great American Philosopher Heidi Montag once said, "He who refuses to embrace a unique opportunity loses the prize as surely as if he had failed." And it's opportunity that I want to talk to all of you good people about today. Opportunities are fleeting little flecks of beautious goodness that float in and out of our lives. We never know when one will present itself and we never know how long it'll last. All we do know is that you've got to grab it by the balls, wrap your legs around it and then hump it like there's no tomorrow. Miracle upon miracles, Jeff and Jordan have found themselves with the Hope Diamond of opportunities nestled cozily right in the middle of their dimwitted little laps. Will they stare at it wide-eyed while scratching their heads? Will Jordan try to eat it? Will Jeff call it a pedophile? *shrugs shoulders* I have no idea, but why don't we try to figure it all out together? Let's recap, shall we?

The day began with a game of chance. Actually, let me rephrase that... The day began with a completely rigged bowl of fuckery. Adam & Dominic are up for nomination and now it's time to pick players for the POV competition. Since they're nominated, Adam & Dominic will play. Since they're HOH, Jeff & Jordan will play. And since the bag was only filled with the names of one duo, Brendon & Rachel will also be playing. Conspiracy theories have always surrounded the POV name picking ceremony and here's why: For god knows what reason, the house is not allowed to ensure that all of the names are really in the bag. It is a rule that the HOH cannot look inside the bag. Now, ask yourselves why this is a rule. What's the big friggin' deal with double checking that everyone has a fair and equal chance in playing in the competition? I move that CBS make "The checking of the bag" part of the name picking ceremony. It's simple, effective and would quell any rumors of shenanigans on the part of the producers. All the HOH has to do is walk out with the bag, dump the bag out on the living room table, assure that all the names are present, put the names back into the bag, shake the bag and then pick. Voila! Problem solved.

So Brendon & Rachel are playing in the POV comp and Kalia is completely fine with this. She'd rather fall asleep with an ice cream cone in her hand anyways. Playing in a competition means getting up, changing out of the sweatshirt covered in potato chip crumbs, combing her hair and burning a calorie or two. Lest you think I'm being harsh, all Kalia does in this house is eat and sleep. Oh, and fart. She farts too. She's a gem, isn't she? Carrie Bradshaw indeed! So while Kalia plans her next nap, Rachel gets busy plotting and scheming in the HOH with all the other Oldies. She wonders if Adam will still throw the competition. She wonders if the comp will be for couples. She wonders why the hell Cassi is so much prettier than she is. Everything, and I mean everything, out of Rachel's mouth always comes back to Cassi. Cassi this and Cassi that. "Cassi's such a bitch", "Cassi doesn't like women", "Cassi's such a victim", "Cassi, Cassi, Cassi!" Jeff flat out doesn't understand Rachel's fuss over Cassi. It shouldn't matter to Rachel if he and Jordan happen to like her. They're allowed to talk to her if they want to. Brendon intervenes, yet again, and tells his harlot to reel it in and stop playing so emotional. Rachel whines in response and then eats her own face.

Forlorn and faceless, Rachel retreats to the Starburst room with Daniele in tow. Whisper, whisper, whisper... what if Rachel lets Adam & Dominic win the POV and forces Jeff & Jordan's hand into backdooring Cassi? Or maybe she should just win the POV herself and remove them from the block? It doesn't matter who does it or how it happens, all that matters is that Jeff dared to disagree with her, Cassi is way prettier and now all of them must pay. Daniele likes the plan, probably because it protects Dominic, and encourages Rachel to go forward with it. They can't stand that Jeff & Jordan get along with Cassi and Rachel suspects that Jeff will, one day, try to actually evict Brendon. Umm DUH. One day everyone will try to evict everyone! That's why it's called Big Brother you trollop.

Some time passes with general chitchat and whatnot, but it's clear that Rachel only has one thing on her mind: THAT BITCH CASSI! Rachel pulls Brendon into the Storage Room and pitches her plan to wipe that bitch Cassi off the face of the Earth once and for all. She uses Jeff's shortness with her as the reason, but I think you and I all know the real reason: THAT BITCH CASSI IS SO FUCKING PRETTY!!! That last sentence there is what runs through Rachel's head on a constant loop. It haunts her days and nights. It dances around her dreams. Its written on the inside of her eyelids. Brendon seems a little reluctant with the plan and flat out refuses to throw the competition. He warns Rachel again about her emotions and cautions that she keeps her thoughts about Jeff to herself. She is to never, under any circumstances, let Jeff & Jordan know that they are making plans that don't include them. Rachel tries to scrape the THAT BITCH CASSI IS SO FUCKING PRETTY from the inside of her skull and agrees.

The Feeds go down and for the first time in my life I found myself wishing that Jeff & Jordan would win, but since the world never spins in my direction: Adam & Dominic have won the POV. Shiiiiiiiiit. *whines and kicks a random squirrel* But I don't waaaaant Cassi to leave. I don't care that she's pretty. All I care about is Rachel not getting her way. Rachel, Rachel, Rachel!

Up in the HOH room, Jeff is doing a "Rachel, Rachel, Rachel!" of his own. Apparently, one Ms. Rachel Reilly said some shit to Jordan during the POV and wouldn't shut up with her "Go Brendon! Come on baby! You can do it Brendon!" throughout the competition. And now, Jeff is dropping f-bombs like me on a Tuesday afternoon. "Fuck her", "Who the fuck does she think she is?", "I fucking can't stand her", etc, etc. He's livid that Rachel always has to be the center of attention. He can't understand why she can't conduct herself like human being. Jordan chimes in saying that Rachel wants America to like her, but that she's doing the exact same stuff she did last season. Not only are these two furious with Rachel's tomfoolery, but they don't really want Cassi to leave. Cassi is a nice girl. Jordan gets along with her and thinks that maybe they can work together as the game progresses. Jeff is bummed out as well. Shelly & Cassi would be very valuable to have on their side when all the Golden Key business is done with.

Well, I have a solution to everyone's problems. Let Adam & Dominic remove themselves from the block and then PUT BRENDON & RACHEL UP IN THEIR PLACE you ninnies! This is a no brainer. It's a game changer. Who knows when the house will get the opportunity to backdoor Rachel again? Jeff & Jordan need to spend the next 24 hours making alliances with every person in the house by offering to get rid of Rachel for everyone. No one likes her. Everyone is scared of her. Having Rachel gone makes everyone else's game a tad bit more promising. Shelly, Cassi, Dominic, Adam, Lawon and Kalia all hate Rachel. I know I give Jordan a hard time about not playing the game, but this is her opportunity to kick a little ass. There is no way in hell that Jeff & Jordan can beat Brendon & Rachel in future competitions. They will always be crippled by Brenchel's presence in the game. Jeff & Jordan have a good thing going with Shelly & Cassi right now. Dominic's target has always been Rachel. Bring all these people together and let's get a game going here folks!

Another option, which will never happen, is to have the Newbies band together and all vote Shelly out instead of Cassi. There is no reason why Kalia's tongue should be so far up the Oldies asses. The same goes for Adam. The Newbies can get some of their numbers back if they vote Shelly out and send a crystal clear message to the Oldies that they're not playing around. If they can't cut off the head of the dragon (Rachel, Brendon, Jeff, Jordan), then they should be plotting for ways to at least maim it or something. Jeff & Jordan have Shelly in their back pocket and it doesn't take a savvy player to figure that out. Shelly worships those two and hasn't been the least bit secretive about it. Her vote from last week may still be a mystery to the others, but her glaring allegiance to Jeff & Jordan is no secret at all.

So while Jeff & Jordan are up in the HOH bitching about Rachel yet not realizing the golden opportunity they've been handed, Brendon is once again scolding his harlot. Whatever Rachel said to Jordan during the POV competition was insensitive and rude leaving Brendon with another damage control challenge. He tells her she can't be saying the shit she's saying and acting the way she's acting. He can't be policing her every second of everyday. Her social game sucks and it's beginning to become a real problem. Daniele enters and immediately says to Rachel, "You have to stop it! You're fucking up your social game!" Rachel sits stone faced thinking, "Cassi, Cassi, kill Cassi." and eventually agrees to apologize to Jordan later.

Up in the HOH Jeff & Jordan are talking to Shelly about the possibility of her and Cassi going up on the block. Shelly understands and says that if Cassi goes home, then they should work on trying to bring Dominic into the fold since his only target has always been Rachel. Bitch, just say what you need to say! Tell those two blockheads to put up Brendon & Rachel and then get to work on organizing a new and improved alliance with Dom, Cassi, Lawon, Jeff, Jordan and yourself. Christ, even Adam would join that group! The complacency of these morons is unbelievable.

They talk about how Cassi really does like Jeff & Jordan and it's a shame that she may have to go home now. Jeff chimes in about how resentful he is that he's been making deals protecting Brenchel all this time when apparently they've only been making deals protecting themselves. Plus, as a result of the POV competition, Rachel is now on slop for 2 weeks and Jeff is dreading having to deal with her martyr bullshit about taking the slop option in a game she didn't even win. Oh my god, this is so frustrating! Put her up, put her up, put her up! I can't tell if Jeff is simply dancing around the issue or is truly genuinely stupid enough to let this opportunity pass him by. Is it laziness? Is it dimwittedness? Is it a lack of education? If they hate Rachel so much, if they know she's a huge threat, if they truly want to play the game with "integrity" then cut the bitch loose and go down in history. Just do it!

Shelly leaves, Cassi enters and the atmosphere is all kinds of awkward. Cassi knows she's in deep shit, Jordan is devastated and Jeff is still mad about Rachel's existence in the world. Cassi tells Jeff & Jordan that she's completely onboard with whatever they want to do because they're playing the game exactly how she wants to play the game. They don't get sucked in by the petty bullshit and she thinks they're genuinely good people. She leaves the room quickly and Jordan says, "I don't want to get rid of her." She's visibly upset and wonders if there's another option. Why yes, you lump of vapidness, there is another option. As of matter of fact, there are two options. Option #1: Get rid of Rachel. Option #2: Put up Kalia & Lawon and keep Cassi in your alliance.

Before any decisions can actually be made, Big Red comes barging through the door to apologize to Jordan. Jordan says she didn't even hear the remark and that it was Jeff who was upset about it. Jeff tells Rachel that when she does the shit she does, they all have to deal with the repercussions. And now they have to deal with Brenchel being on slop for two weeks - for nothing. Brendon assures Jeff that slop won't bother them and Rachel says she needs to be on a diet anyways for her wedding that's never going to happen.

The night continues with little else to report on in the way of Jeff & Jordan actually, you know, playing the game. Shelly delights everyone with her tales of how to skin a mule deer and a strange homeless lady eats enough to feed a small village.

If Jeff & Jordan don't do what they need to do to save Cassi and build a strong alliance, then they deserve to be evicted by none other than Brendon & Rachel. Stupidity should never rewarded so I say, the hell with them. Maybe a miracle will happen today. I have no idea. Until then, comment it out bitches and have a great day!

The feeds are heating up so why not get a free trial and see what you'll never see on TV?

Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!


  1. Just like last HOH was Brendon's, This HOH is Jeff's. Total disrespect for their partners. And I hope they both go out because of it. I was sort of hoping the Noms stayed the same with Dom and Adam still on the block. I wanted it to some how backfire on Adam for being such a dumb ass to allow himself to be put on the block and he was going to throw the VETO. But this house is so dumb that it wouldn't in a million years go down that way. Now Jordan has a chance to think for herself and make a big power move like backdoor Brenchel and she will end up letting Jeff make all the decisions for her. This is why I never got on that stupid bandwagon of people saying Jordan is playing good game right now. Look at how she is playing people. Bullshit she is about to fuck up the most important part of this season.

  2. Jordan may never get the opportunity to stick it to Brandon/Rachel again... Jordan needs to seize the moment.

    And, all of them must have short memories ... Danielle is a little monster. Just wait until she gets the opportunity to dump any of them.

  3. I absolutely agree Rachel needs to go. I haven't decided which I loathe more, last years Rachel or this years, but I like neither!
    I have always liked Jordan, to most degrees, on the other hand. I just can't figure out why she seems to think that all the oldies have to play as a group and why actually evicting Rachel has not crossed their minds. It would have been first on my list ... just sayin'

  4. Oh, please....please....please.....let Jordan grow a brain and a backbone!!! Put up Brenchel or Kalia/LaWon....Kalia or Rachel would go in a heartbeat.

  5. Jeff and Jordan are slow starters. In their minds, its not time to start backstabbing. Until now they thought Brenchel was a good ally and wanted to coast on that for as long as possible. That's what will send J&J home, in my opinion. But what do I know, I thought this was "Flavor of Love" until yesterday...

  6. Colette, can I just say that your recaps are not only hilarious, but spot-on. I'm kicking myself for only just recently discovering this blog.

    And I agree with the first Anonymous, Danielle is going to come out swinging when her chance comes.

  7. This is so frustrating. And I totally agree with you that the most frustrating part is that Rachel will once again get her way. There is a small part of me that thinks Cassi deserves to go home if she doesn't show Jordan how getting rid of Rachel would be an option. What she should do is make a Chocolate Chip cookie cut out of Rachel and bite its head off. Then Jordan will go "Ooooh! I get it" and then that's that.

  8. You had me until you quoted Heidi Montag. I am totally "Team LC". I keed, I keed.

    I am crossing my fingers, my toes and even my legs (for once), hoping that Jeff and Jordan will see the light and get rid of Brendan's ginger dick cozy. I would love for Kalia to leave. Watching paint dry would be more entertaining.

  9. Wow, how frustrating. You are right ~ this is the perfect opportunity to get Rachel out! You don't even have to put up with her bullshit for too long because as we all know, she will scream bloody murder. Maybe "sensitive little Jordo" can't take Rachel's venom.
    Dani is about on my last nerve too. She and Por are untouchables (for now).
    Let's all send vibs to Jordo to get her to wake up and see what is before her.
    Thanks for the great blog!

  10. Renee Hooper-PeanJuly 17, 2011 at 3:58 PM

    It seems as if J&J get a little more irritated with Rachel every passing minute. The light bulb started to flicker in Jeff's head yesterday - he realized R&B and Dani have been creating alliances w/newbies to make it easier for them to get rid of J&J. I feel hopeful (delusional?) they will come around before the Veto ceremony.
    Can someone tell me if Danielle is closer to R&B or J&J? Please and Thank you.

  11. Part of me just thinks that this show will go to hell...moreso...if Rachel leaves. As annoying as she is, I've been entertained. Get rid of Brendon! His pouty whiny baby voice when he talks to Rachel is revolting, he's awful, just awful. I forgot how much i loathed him..memories of the Rachel part of Brenchel clouded out Brendon completely. But now i remember my hatred for him. He's cute, i enjoyed the skype pics, but that personality, gawd! In summary, I vote to Back Door Brendon.

  12. I REALLY hope Rachel will read this blog someday. She lives in a fantasy land where she is the president and she needs a wake up call! I agree with the above comment. I would like to see how Rachel would crumple without Brendan in the house. It would be an absolute hell to live in for the other houseguests though. Rachel would probably win by default because everyone would quit.

  13. I unfortunately do not think Jeff or Jordan have the brain power to make any power moves. The biggest thing they did in 11 (without producer help) was get rid of Russell when they could have gotten rid of Kevin and get rid of Lydia when they could have gotten rid of everyone else.

    They basically got rid of someone that could not win a thing and then someone else who was already on their side and had a huge target on his back (IE, the first victim when the other side wins HOH).

  14. Heidi Montag, Kelly Bensimon. You're in rare form!

    Love the idea of putting Brendan & Rachel up. As long as J&J don't feel the newbies will band together & throw them out.

  15. You have to give Rachel credit....she's even more annoying and deranged than last season.

    Cassi and Dominic have played everything wrong. If one or noth survive this week, they better win HoH and or veto next week.

    I don't like Porsche but she and Dani have leverage. Jordan/Jeff need to hook up with them and wreck some havoc.

    Kalia may be on Biggest Loser after she leaves the house.

  16. I don't which side would be more entertaining to watch...Rachel getting evicted and shitting her sequined panties cause brendon would be left with all the pretty girls OR Rachel shitting her sequined panties because her "man" got evicted and how unfair that would be. And as far as the veto bag controversy goes, I thought there were laws about game shows being rigged and stiff fines if it is found out? Wasn't that because of the games in the 50s being rigged? There was a movie made about it I think? Quiz show or something.

  17. Jordan says " I wish i could do something dramatic in this game."
    jeff says "If we were a couple weeks in I would be behind u on that telling u to pull the trigger."

    OH! come on! They are so fucking close. She is seeing the light and Jeff is fucking it up.

  18. I have said it all week, the red headed bitch needs to go. There will never be a better opportunity to get rid of her. Why is Jeff so damned stupid saying they need them to get to jury? Nobody other than Suzuki and Brendon would be pissed if Rachel left. He can't play in any competitions either until final 10. I keep watching and keep hoping Jeff will get his head out but as they say... It aint gonna happen. And everyone watching knows that they will be Brenchels first target when there is nothing but Bacon eaters and idiots left. It's sooooo simple.

  19. It really isn't looking good for Cassi on the feeds. Dumb & Dumber aren't going to pull the trigger on Brenchel it doesn't appear. Shit! Do they want to stand next to Brenchel in the end? It would be smart to be up against one of them at the end BUT you gotta get there first and they can't be trusted. Shit again.