Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Shake, Rattle, and Roll

It began as a low rumbling. Garble garble rumble rumble. And then, the ground convulsed and the windows shook. Exciting and scary, loud and strange, confusing and thrilling. Was it Jordan creating a thought? Was it Adam saying something even remotely interesting? Was it Rachel angering the Baby Jesus with her Bible reading? The seismologists of the world say it was an earthquake - an east coast earthquake. Pshaw right! I think you and I both know it was the wrath of the Big Brother gods. Those bored bastards can't take it anymore so now they're beating on their drums all angry like and demanding the fresh blood of young virgins to keep this season afloat. Let's recap, shall we?

Admittedly, I didn't watch a whole lot of the feeds yesterday, but I'm sick of you people calling me a cunt whenever I don't post (Although I think there's a compliment buried in there somewhere. I mean, there has to be. Why else would you be so angry? Whatever.). I shall begin with a continuation of my love affair with Shelly - the only woman doing a damn thing in this game. Our leathery goddess, our scuffed briefcase, starts bright and early making yet another pitch to Adam to keep Daniele in the house. Shelly is itching to make a big move in the game and she needs Adam by her side to do it. Adam, however, thinks he'll get to the end by "winning competitions". Uh, come again? He's also scared that Jordan will nominate him if he sides with the Newbies. Ok, never in my life have I ever heard of anyone being scared of Jordan which proves my next point - ADAM IS A GIANT PUSSY.

Adam is indeed a giant pussy. He's weak. He's feeble. He likes being bossed around. He's scared of idiot blonde girls. And, he can't think for himself. I hate to say "I told you so" (not really), but I had this guy pegged from the get-go. All talk, no pizazz. No wow factor. Just a superfan who's a superdouche. He thinks his love of 90210 and penchant for girly drinks makes him quirky and lovable. Wrong! It makes you an insufferable nerd with nothing to offer the world but a nauseatingly scratchy voice. I said from the start that he was a waste of a good casting spot and I stand by it. How fucking hard is it to find someone interesting to place in the house? I mean, seriously? Robyn Kass should be kicked out of Hollywood for her complete and utter inability to cast reality shows in a successful manner (Hey, I saw Love In The Wild. That was also a giant sucky borefest.) I could go up the road to the local 7-11 and pick up a whole gaggle of interesting people. Sure, they'd be drunk with Slim Jim's hanging out of their noses, but they'd be interesting.

(I want this photo poster sized - beautious!)

So, Shelly is trying. God bless her, she's trying. She knows what the deal is. She knows she'll never win this game if she keeps protecting Jeff & Jordan. More importantly, she knows she needs to stop Rachel from taking home $50,000. So far, Adam hasn't ratted her out to Jeff & Jordan which, let's face it, is nothing short of a miracle. He shirks her suggestions and goes on and on about how scared he is of Daniele, but he still hasn't told Jeff & Jordan that Shelly is conspiring against them. It is because he hasn't ratted that I'm holding onto a tiny little frayed smidgen of hope. Hope that he's still weighing his options. Hope that he's noncommittal. Hope that he'll see the light before Thursday. I think it was Kalia who said the other day that she's annoyed how all the votes seem to linger on which way Adam will swing. I'm annoyed too. It's extremely frustrating when all the power lies in the hands of a useless lump.

Speaking of Kalia, she like literally, obviously, literally 100% point plank, period, won't shut up. Maybe she started the earthquake. Perhaps the bedrock and tectonic plates began to pucker and shift because she's using up all the earth's oxygen. I guess she has to try and save herself, but it's still annoying. She tells Adam that she's really not sleeping as much as people think she is. In fact, she's daydreaming about her boyfriend. Are we assholes because only an asshole would believe a line like that? Speaking of boyfriends, Kalia wonders why Rachel is with Brendon. Especially since she hates Los Angeles and can't get a job. Kalia thinks something very dark and twisty must have happened to Rachel when she was little to make her so dependent on someone else. Adam wonders why Rachel doesn't just commute back and forth to Vegas (it's 4 hours away!) and Kalia says she doesn't want to be away from Brendon at all during the week. It's a dumbass conversation that really has no bearing on the game, but I sat and listened so now you have to sit and read about it.

Out in the backyard, Rachel tells Shelly that she's nervous that Porsche and Adam will vote to keep Daniele. Shelly counters by saying that she wonders where they (she and Rachel) will fall in the alliance when it comes to the end. What a sly puss she is. Rachel shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, we'll need to win HOH's." *sigh* Stupid harlot. Rachel confesses that there are times when she and Jeff don't get along. She wonders aloud if maybe one day they'll nominate her, but then quickly poo-poo's the idea saying that she'd never nominate them. No way. No how. *Grrrr!* Shelly takes a long drag on her cigarette and agrees. What else can she do? Rachel is alone in the game at this point and her beefy bohunk boyfriend has instructed her to stick with Jeff & Jordan. Rachel would be one tough nut to crack even for a mindfucker like Shelly.

It's no secret that I want to Daniele to stay in the game, but I've gotta say that she's going about it all wrong. I don't know if it's slop brain or brattiness, but her ability to campaign yesterday was extremely weak. She begins by telling Adam that there's no way he'll make it to the end unless he starts winning competitions. Strange to insult the very guy whose vote you're trying to get. Daniele assures him she'll get the next HOH if she stays in the house. Adam flounders and says he's incredibly intimidated by Daniele in the game. Daniele is confused. She asks him how she's more of a threat that Jeff, Jordan, and Rachel. Adam says that he sees Rachel as more of a target than a threat. Daniele, in a very accusatory voice, says, "Are you kidding?" *sigh* Daniele, pumpkin, you can't act holier than thou when you're trying to reel someone in. I realize you're angry. I realize Adam is an idiot, but you really need to work on your people skills.

Here's what I would have done: I would have run down what is going to happen in the last final weeks. I'd ask Adam who he thinks would go on the block if only Jeff, Jordan, Shelly, and Rachel were left in the game. I'd reiterate over and over exactly just how low he is on that totem pole. Then, I'd go in for the kill. I'd offer him a final two deal. I'd tell him I'd nominate Shelly and Porsche before I'd ever nominate him. I'd tell that asshole anything and everything he wants to hear in order to get his vote. This bitchy bullshit that Daniele is pulling isn't savvy and it isn't smart. Adam is looking for a people pleaser. He's looking for protection. So, offer it to him! Point out how Jeff & Jordan can only protect him for maybe one more week. Offer him the world. Tell him he'll never win against J/J/R in a final two. Tell him anything! Tell him everything! Just, tell him! Sitting around eye rolling and making him feel like a dumbass won't win him over. It's actually shocking how poorly Daniele is trying to save herself. Shelly is better at saving Daniele than Daniele is at saving Daniele.

The conversation continues but it's flimsy and lackluster. Daniele tries to reiterate how much of a target she is. Adam responds by calling her a threat. Round and round it goes. The real cringeworthy moment was when Daniele said her dad would hate Adam for evicting her. Oy. Really? Adam just laughs it off and says Evel Dick already hates him. Shelly approaches and the conversation ends. No progress is made and, if anything, Daniele just hurt her case even more.

With Daniele doing such a shitty job trying to save herself and Adam being so stubborn, it seems like only a miracle could get Kalia out of the house this week. Could that miracle be Jeff himself? Much later on, Jeff tells Adam he knows about his secret alliance with Porsche. He's pissed off about it and he can't have that from him as they go forward in the game. That, right there, should have been a big giant flag to Humpty Dumpty that Jeff will turn on him lightening quick. In all honesty, I'm surprised Jeff even went there. One would think he'd simply kiss Adam's ass to get through this week and perhaps next week too should Adam win HOH. Thankfully, Jeff's short temper and arrogance makes it very hard for him to keep his trap shut. Still, regrettably, Adam doesn't flinch. In fact, he turns up the brown nosing. He kisses Jeff's ass even harder (if that's possible). That's the problems with men with no balls - they are utterly USELESS.

As it stands right now, Adam isn't budging on his vote to evict Daniele. Daniele did a shit job trying to save herself and Shelly can really only do so much. It looks like we'll be stuck with the delicious morsel above for at least another week. Hide yo' crackers. Hide yo' chips. I'm off tomorrow, but I'll be back on Thursday and hopefully I'll be writing about Porsche up in her HOH. I can't believe I'm rooting for Porsche now. Who would a' thunk it? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!


  1. I started out rooting for Porsche and you yelled at me. But since I'm not an Adam I just laughed at you, knew you'd come around to my way of thinking.

    Daniele may be doing a bad job of saving herself but what can she do? Big Doosh I mean Jeff won't shut up about Daniele trying to backdoor him. GET OVER IT. It's Big Brother you Chicago Cornball. If someone isn't scheming against you, they're useless. Jeff and Jordan don't get that. It's funny, once you're popular or America's sweethearts at something then you see everything through that prism. It's why Tom Cruise won't admit he;'s gay or Julia Roberts won't admit she's an overrated bitch.

    Adam won't change his vote because he's afriad the captain of the football team and his dumb cheerleader girlfriend won't like him. Meanwhile the captain of the softball team is trying to play the actual game and she'll get voted out next week when Rachel reveals Coyote Ugly's machinations.

    this game sucks

  2. All Adam wants is to be buddy buddy with JE/JO post show. I mean, Friday night dinners, sleep overs, drinks on Saturday nights. On top of that, he its scared of them hating him. He is a wannabe loved by all superfan who does nothing but kiss Jeff's rear 24 hrs a day.
    He is afraid Dani will stab him in the back? Won't he be surprised when it will be Jeff or Jordon putting him up instead.

    Adam is "playing" {if you can call it that} in all past seasons and totally blind to the actual game he is currently in. He thinks he is the "Enzo" of this season, loved by all, funny, quirky, catch-phrase spewing snugglebunny whatever. What he will be known for is a creepy elf with a disgusting voice, snucking back post nasal smoker's drip every 2 seconds. Blech.

    Then, Rachel almost saying..twice..that she and Brendon were guarenteed jury? Yay. (not)

    Kalia deserves 43 penalty nominations for causing 90% of the feed breaks. There, Dani saved.

  3. The high rollers in Vegas are missing the $50.00 ho rabid Rachel.

  4. I was hating on Porsche early on, too. I know that I do not want jjr to make it to the final three. So, I guess I am on the Shelly/Porsche wagon. (banging head on desk)

  5. Isn't it amazing how far the game has come (or is it we who're being pushed to the wall)?? For the first three weeks I couldn't stand Porsche, then that changed...Up until last week I could literally puke at the mere sight of Shelly! But Alas! Today I confess, I'm team Shelly/Porsche - like 100%!!!

  6. Adam is not making a dumb move, Dani would get rid of him as soon as possible. You can't believe a word Dani says and Adam knows this. She whines about Jeff not keeping their deal when she had know intentions of keeping the deal. She just back doored Benda and laughed about it, a real back door by the way, she got to play in the veto so she's not being back doored. Only a moron would think they didn't have to win veto to be safe. Which brings us to Dani's problem she's a terrible Big Brother player, without her Dad to tell her what to do she's made one dumb move after the other and aligned herself with incompetent people. She has nobody but herself to blame, like all spoiled brats she will not be blaming herself.

  7. shelly again. why is she here.ahh. what are her skills?em.who does she benefit? (slugs). porsch, is that a car?Uhh. what does it do? (slithers and burps). what will they do when the puppet master leaves? their strings will fall and desolve to the floor returning to the slugs they are,crawling endlessly from side to side and squashed.

  8. Who cares who is on the jury Rachel? If you're playing Big Brother and you don't win or finish second, big deal. There's no money. Yeah Janelle and a couple of others got minor celebrity out of not finishing in the top 2 but I dont care about that. If I ever made a Big Bro house, vote me out 1st or 2nd or let me finish 1st or 2nd.

  9. I can't decide if flipping would really benefit Adam or not. I'm leaning towards it helping him a little bit, because Dani would go after J/J/R before him. I'm really just annoyed that he is playing such a boring safe non-game. He's a terrible superfan, and has no chance of making the finals either way, so he might as well make some waves. At least last season's superfan made big moves.

  10. I agree with LALALALALAH! I am absolutely going to write to Janice Joplin's long lost love child and demand that her casting director go to a 711, Circle K, or any gas station to cast Big Brother 14! If she doesn' the bitch!>:D

  11. Ms. Lala. There are at least a dozen reasons why I'd call you a cunt. Not posting is but one of them ;)

  12. Your evil witch is weaving her magic...Dani might go...but from the ashes she is trying to weave a new alliance. Now, if one of them could actually win something....

  13. Big Collette, I would never call you that! (Just me being Adam: suck ass, kiss, kiss)
    But I'm glad the jabs got your creative juices flowing. I wake up, walk downstairs and refresh Bitchy Big Brother to get your take on these idiots.
    I've so lost any feeling for J/J. Always hated R. And am so glad B is gone. So now are we going to lose Dani? Hold your horses there.....she's making progress with the lump. The convo earlier today had the meat head thinking and now Porche was doing her thing so who knows? Stranger things have happened.

  14. I just watched gay pron for the first time. Adam interacting with Jeff.


  15. Unfortunately, Dani's a goner - Adam is too afraid of Jeff to keep her. I, too, am now a Shelly and Porsche fan. As far as BB14 goes - get those folks from the 'Walmartian' e-mails - they are unbelievable!!

  16. @Boo
    BRILLIANT! There is one scenario Dani has not thought of, getting Kalia to sing herself out of BB! She thought of getting Rachel to smack her in the face, thereby "production exiting" her, but Kalia singing would be sooo much easier, better and way less painful! AND Dani would for sure stay, which is not so certain with Rachel going, considering she is not on the block and with the double eviction tomorrow. You are my new favorite commenter! Aside from Lala, of course! Lala, can I go get you an iced tea?? (My Shelly inspired sycophant is showing!)
    That's my 2¢... for now anyway!

  17. Dani needs to go up and whisper in Rattbags(Rachel) ear that if Dani is evicted she will be all alone with Brendan at jury house and she will conceive a LOVE child with him!!!!

  18. Ugh I was all high on Shelly until she jumped ship from Jeff and Jordan. She's been playing an amazing game even though she hasn't won anything, which proves the point that you can play the game without winning competitions and still be a bigger player then those winning. But I'm done with Shelly and would choose Adam over her as his loyalty is great. I know he's going to have to flip at some point because he doesn't want a vet to win, but he's done good to keep it together thus far. As long as he votes to get rid of skelatore then I am happy. I need to see Danielle walking out the door!

  19. Dear big baby Jesus in heaven, please hold a triple elimination night and end this Worst. Season. Ever. of BB.

  20. These people call you a cunt, then some say it sucks ass anyway? Assholes! Or should I say, Adamholes! During cheesegate, when Dani invited Porsche up for "cheese," during her HOH reign, the two talked about gameplay and other girly things. An hour or so later Porsche left and went outside. Almost immediately JJBR (when Brendon was still there) began to have a hissy fit in front of her, badgering her on what went on in the HOH room and what was talked about, and how could she even THINK of talking to Dani. Porsche was so flustered by their berating she walked away and WENT BACK IN THE HOH ROOM. The 4 knuckleheads single handedly gave Porsche to Dani. My point is, as much as people think Porsche is a lump, she at least has a brain and she stands up for herself. Porsche don't take no shit from no one, ya dig? Unlike the asslicker (kisser is too generous) that is Adam, who could very well be so starved for friendship like Kalia, that he'll just do whatever the hunky good looking Jeff tells him to. I'm surprised Jeff has pissed in a bowl and told Adam to drink it because if he doesn't it means he can't trust him. Adam would put his chugging skills to good use. And Lala, you have to give Dani a break, on Day 50 when these idiots still need their hand held to cross the street, you can't expect her not to get frustrated while talking logic to some. You can't expect also to try and make deals, say you'll give them the world, because it's pretty transparent, especially when Dani did very little through the whole game to try and work with Adam. That shipped sailed long ago. I asked Evel Dick himself should Dani try and get Shelly and Adam on her side or is it too late, and that was like....4 WEEKS ago. So's very too late. Take your time with the updates, Quality over Quantity bitch! :D

  21. OMG Did Dani spin some magic???? Seems like last night she flipped Rachel (unless Rachel is playing her) Would LOVE to see the look on Jeff's face if Rachel stays. For all those (like me) in Irene's path - stay safe!!!

  22. I hope Rachel flips, not purely because I'm pro-Dani, but I'm pro-anything that results in standing up to Jeff and Jordan. I was a JeJo fan because they were the underdogs against the Jessie and Co. alliance that bullied everyone in BB11, but it seems that Jeff and Jordan are now doing the bullying. It's just how I see it. Now, I'm more apathetic towards them and won't be mad if one of them wins because it has been the sole purpose of everyone except Dani to play for 3rd place behind JeJo.

    Brendon probably will berate her for the 11 billionth time, if she flips, but that's clearly the norm in their relationship. I'm confused. Is Brendon her fiance or her pimp? I ask because he's one "B****, betta have my money!!" away from going down in the Playas Hall of Fame because he has mind control over this chick. His wish = her command.

    Looking forward to tonight to see if anyone actually wants to play this game.

  23. BOTH kalia & Dani are getting evicted tonight.
    Sack of shit production!

  24. "Big" Jeff gone!! too cool!!

  25. ,.... and may a BB vet never again win an HOH or a POV for the remainder of this damn game!!!!

  26. @Oz I totally agree - Jeff got too big for his britches this season, became a bully. What goes around, comes around - he and Dani can discuss that in Jury - I hated to see Dani go, but tonites show was exciting. I think from now to the end will be boring tho..

  27. Drama!!! I love how Jordan is crying to Rachel, who did not get voted out. I guess that might show Adam who J really trusts (of course not, he is too wrapped up in his "alliance"). I really think Adam is going to try to "protect" Jordan from here on. Maybe he will try to win something. Thank goodness for you and OBB, b/c y'all are where I am getting my info!

  28. Sorry Adam! maybe Jeff will let you suck his cock in jury house. Who's coat tails will you ride on now? You useless sack of shit!
    "Wull....ummmm.. wull....ummmm"
    Seeing Jordan cry made my night! Your fucked after all there is only so much a toddler with Downs can do. since douche #1&2 are out I'm back to watching. DRAMA!!!!

  29. And BBdish is a shitty blog....

  30. after everything that went down tonight I cannot wait for the next blog!!!

  31. Jeff is such a hostile bully that even Julie felt like backing up a few inches while he tiraded (a little too late now, sport!) during their interview! I LOVE HER!!
    My 2¢ for now... No doubt I'll have more to say later...

  32. OMG! Rachel telling Jordan ro chill out and not act out when *her man* just got EVICTED! HA!

  33. OK, this is weird. Re-watching yesterday's feed, at exactly 5:10 p.m. Feed 1/2 (it's buggy at 5:09 to 5:10, so had to go quad, grrr), in the HOH. JJ are talking with Adam, who can find nothing more compelling to talk about with them than the same re-hashing of how he's not *really* listening to Dani but she is saying this and that about you, Jeff [*yawn*]. 

    Then they begin another insipid dialogue about what the HOH is gonna be, and they speculate, maybe this, maybe that. 
    Then Jeff says "We won't know 'til we see dat thing..." 
    "The button in the yard," says Jeff
    "Or the red ball,"says Adam
    "Or da f-ing clown's mouth," says Jeff. 
    (Obviously minus the dash--it's Jeff after all!)

    Uh, um, well, uh, how did you know about clowns being involved in the HOH, Jeff?! 

    (Who, had he not tossed out one of the clown shoes from his ball bin, which were clearly right there near the top, would have easily won the Veto to save himself! I call conspiracy!!)

    I feel absolutely certain that there is some degree of manipulation throughout the game, and have felt that strongly since one nearly identical competition where it was clear who they set up to win. NOT who I wanted to win, of course. And Jeff, with that robot thing, right! He could not puzzle his way out of a paper bag with a Garmin and exit lighting. He's almost as "tay-ruh-bull" at "puh-zuhls" as Jordan is, yet he got that thing together like a mechanic on meth, eons ahead of the others. Yeah, right, that superlong DR he had that day was, I'm certain, just a coincidence...

    My two cents' worth, or a dollar and a half, whichever....  ><))))°>