Tuesday, August 23, 2011
And You Can Be My Cowgirl
Whenever I'm feeling sad and blue, a haughty cowgirl mosies into my life and takes those blues away. She hitches up her britches, shakes her wispy hair, and does a saunter that'll make you swoon. Bony-legged and smelling of Folgers Crystals, Shelly is my cowgirl. She may not know what guacamole is, but she knows what straight shootin' is. Actually, I take that back. What's "straight" to Shelly is a giant zigzag to the rest of the world. When Shelly shoots straight, heart monitors blip and polygraphs spike. It's ok though. We forgive her these things. We forgive because we love. In a stagnant house of parrot poop and bacon turds, who else can we turn to but Cowgirl Shelly to breathe some life into this joint? We certainly can't count on those phony lovers up in the HOH room. We definitely can't count on the bald fat man who shouldn't be allowed within 100 yards of an elementary school. Shelly is the belle of the ball or the big man on campus. I'm not sure. Who cares! Let's recap, shall we?
Big Jeff has decided to go back on his word, like we all knew he would, and use the POV. Jeff takes Porsche off the block and puts up Daniele. Daniele, the person who saved him week after week after week. Daniele, the girl who went out of her way to make Jeff feel comfortable throwing comps in order to take cash prizes. Daniele, the one who didn't even use his dimwitted blonde sidekick as a pawn. This is who Jeff chooses to get rid of this week. You see, Jeff is still holding onto that Week 3 bungle that Daniele made - the one where she suggested backdooring the giant douchebag. I still maintain it was a genius plan. That asshole would be out of the house and we'd finally be done with him. That's all I've ever wanted all season long - to be done with Jeff Schroeder. With his homophobic rants and phony love affair (you don't really think that's real, do you?), I'm downright sick of CBS's golden boy. If I could go the rest of my life without ever having to hear his annoying midwestern accent, I'd be one happy girl.
Before I get to my recap, let's discuss how completely and utterly phony Jeff's love affair is with Jordan is. These two have been in the house for 96 weeks now and not once have they shared a tender moment or a kiss. Sure, he calls her "Love", but you know what? He's also called Shelly and Daniele "Love". As a purveyor of terms of endearments (I give everyone and everything a nickname), Jeff might as well be calling his dog "Love". Other than calling her cute in the Diary Room (which I'm sure is scripted by CBS), Jeff treats Jordan like a college best friend who happens to be a girl. Look at Brendon & Rachel in contrast. Now those two are in love. Sure, it's creepy and dysfunctional, but they never pass up a chance to kiss, cuddle, or touch one another. It's tender and real. I'm not saying Jeff & Jordan need to have full blown sex in the house, but not sharing at least one real kiss after over a month in the same space is weird. It's weird and suspicious and PHONY. They can lie in the game all they want, but I think it's about time to knock of the "Jejo" ruse. They have different goals, different dreams. They said it themselves. Jeff wants to move to L.A. and Jordan has no desire whatsoever to head west. Jordan is about as loving as a paper bag and Jeff is about as genuine as cubic zirconia. Fans of theirs should be angry not smitten. I'm surprised more people haven't wised up to the wool that's being pulled over their eyes. C'mon cat ladies. Surely, you're smart enough to know when you're being tricked, right? Nevermind. I'm probably giving you too much credit. As you were. Continue making your Jeff & Jordan decoupage if you must. You're beyond help.
So Jeff has put Daniele up for eviction and, naturally, the three girls (D/K/P) are upset about it. However, up in the HOH room, Rachel is thrilled. Her bohunk boyfriend will be avenged and she couldn't be happier about it. She can't wait for Brendon to clap when he sees Daniele enter the Jury House. Jordan tells Rachel not to say such things because she'll jinx them. Personally, I thought it was an awfully silly thing for Jordan to say, but little did I know that the jinx is not only real... it was actually materializing. A puff of smoke escaped Rachel's bird beak when she spoke of Brendon's glee and now it's traveling downstairs to plant itself inside Shelly's tanned hide of a brain. Whirling and swirling amongst the Coppertone and Camels, Ole Jinxy makes itself comfortable and gets to work. Unsuspecting and ravenous, Rachel shovels Jeff's HOH food into her mouth while telling Jordan that they need to prepare for the next HOH. Rachel thinks it's going to be True or False. Jordan says there's no way to prepare for that and, besides, she always gets those wrong. Rachel insists they think up scenarios to test each other on. They need to practice day and night as it's imperative one of them win the next HOH.
Out in the backyard, Shelly gets a tingling in her noggin and it dawns on her... there's no way she can win BB13 if she goes to the final three with Jeff & Jordan. Finally! Finally the cocoa butter queen has come to her senses. I knew it would hit her sooner or later. I knew the glossy Jeff & Jordan ruse would one day wither away and turn into a crusty globule of dried pus. Shelly is a smart lady and it was only a matter of time before the bloom was off the rose. She turns to Daniele and tells her she has to fight to stay in the game. Daniele says the house is full of hypocrites and clearly Jeff's word means nothing. Shelly nods and asks Daniele if she'll put her on her block if she stays in the game. Daniele says no and asks Shelly if she'd ever put her up. Shelly says no. And just like that, in the blink of an eye, Shelly leaps off the Jeff & Jordan ship and hops aboard the Dani Train.
It may seem hasty and strange, but, in truth, this was a long time coming. You see, Shelly hates Rachel. She hates the words she says, the things she does, and the way she acts. It's bothered Shelly these past few weeks that Jeff & Jordan want to keep someone like that in the game. Seeing the shiny sparkly Jeff & Jordan she's admired so much align themselves with a wretched woman like Rachel troubles Shelly. She's tried reconciling it in her mind. She's tried to work with them and see the big picture, but the more she adds up the numbers in her head, the more it's looking like Jeff & Jordan would take Rachel to the final three before they'd ever take Shelly. J&J know they could beat Rachel. They could especially beat her in the final two. Rachel getting to the final two means she walks away with a cool $50K in her greasy palms and this, THIS, drives Shelly insane. Knowing that Jeff & Jordan would willingly let that harlot get some prize money doesn't sit well with her. It makes her question their intentions and loyalty. What's worse, it makes her question their character. Could it be J&J aren't as fascinating as CBS wants her to think they are? Yes, Shelly, yes. They're just regular people (although slightly dimmer than the average American) with a great edit.
Back in the Have-Not room Porsche and Daniele are talking about what they need to do this week to keep Daniele in the game. Daniele says she's can't go home. She has to stay and they have to get rid of Jeff next week. Daniele doesn't feel entirely comfortable campaigning against Kalia so she tutors Porsche in how to do it for her. They decide that they need to use Kalia's long time deal with Jordan (the one where Kalia promised to never put up Jordan) against her. Daniele tells Porsche to follow Kalia everywhere and thwart any opportunity she has to campaign to others. Daniele also thinks there's a good chance that Kalia could sink herself since she runs her mouth so much.
Porsche nods and listens intently to all of the instructions. In order to make sure that Porsche absorbs everything she's saying and understands how the numbers may fall, Daniele pulls out some painted corn kernels and assigns each one to an HG (the blue one is Shelly). Methodically, Daniele runs through all the scenarios of what could happen next week depending on who wins HOH. They try to guess how everyone will vote, but one person always comes up as a question mark: Shelly. Completely unaware that Shelly has already jumped ship, Daniele wonders how she can get Shelly on her side instead of Jeff & Jordan's. She decides that pushing a Shelly/Rachel fight is the best method. Daniele says they need Shelly to blow up on Rachel. They need Shelly to believe that Jeff/Jordan/Rachel are a tight unit that has no room for a Banana Boat Bathing Beauty. Better yet, they'll make Shelly believe she's even lower than Adam in the J/J alliance.
Meanwhile, outside, Shelly is marinating. Covered in olive oil with a Pall Mall dangling from her lips, the Wizard is ruminating and planning. The jinx is working it's magic and plans are beginning to form. Kalia smells the olive oil roasting in the sun and makes her way over to Shelly. If only she had a bag of oregano and parmesan in her pocket. She could fake trip on her flip-flop and sprinkle it all over Shelly. Oh the smell, the heavenly food smell! Since Kalia doesn't have any fresh herbs or cheeses up her sleeves, she wanders over to Shelly and begins campaigning to stay in the house. She tells Shelly that Daniele assumes she'll be going home anyways this week. If she stays in the game, she'll be a big threat. Shelly nods and agrees. The conversation turns to Rachel and both are annoyed that there's a distinct possibility that she could walk away with $50K by the time all is said and done. I'm inclined to agree. I don't want Rachel walking away with anything but a tarnished reputation and a package of Pro-Activ.
That chat turns to Adam and how he hasn't done shit this entire summer. Kalia points out that he plays week to week and jumps to whichever side is in power. Shelly agrees and says he needs to go. In her mind, she thinks he's useless, but I'm also guessing she thinks he has usurped her in the J/J alliance. Kalia warns Shelly to be very careful with Jeff & Jordan. Rachel has been feeding them bad info all summer long and it hasn't exactly been in Shelly's favor. Shelly knows and says she can't believe Rachel told them she said Dani was a disgusting human being. LOL Oh Shelly. Truth be told, Shelly did say that Daniele was a disgusting human being. I don't know why, but I forgive Shelly her lies. It just doesn't bother me so much coming from her. She's doing what she needs to do to stay in the game while trash talking everyone that bugs her and mindfucking the weak. I find it endearing. There's something about a tough old smoky broad that I have a hard time hating.
Some time passes and the jinx has firmly latched onto Shelly's brain stem. She needs to feel out the other voters and see how hard it'll be to keep Daniele in the game. Out in the backyard with Adam and Porsche, Shelly asks Porsche where her loyalties lie. Porsche says she's with the newbies, but she'll be voting out Kalia this week. Adam says he'll be voting out Daniele. Shelly lights up a smoke, takes a deep breath, and says, "I think we need to keep Daniele in the game and here's why..." She tells them how even though she likes and cares for J&J, if they make it to the final three, none of the newbies have a chance of winning. Porsche nods and agrees. She says there's no way J&J will vote out Rachel. Shelly nods. If they flip the house this week and keep Dani in the game, then they have the numbers. It's something for them all to seriously think about. Before the conversation can progress, Jeff comes out and everyone shuts up.
Eventually, Jeff leaves and Shelly sees her opportunity to talk with Adam. Too bad talking with Adam is like talking to a hunk of bacon. Shelly tells Adam that they need to split up Jeff & Jordan. It makes no sense to let them run the house all the way to end. If they make it to the finals, they'll win. Also, Shelly thinks that the second Rachel gets chance, she'll put Shelly on the block. Shelly asks Adam if he'll be willing to talk to Daniele with her and Porsche. Adam says he'll talk to Daniele on his own and admits that he doesn't trust Daniele at all. He hasn't trusted her for weeks. Back when he was on the block, Daniele would've been fine with him going home. He says if they keep Kalia, she'll go after Rachel next week. Shelly counters back saying that if they keep Daniele, she'll go after Rachel and Jeff & Jordan. Shelly reiterates that they'll have more numbers if they go to the other side. It's so frustrating how right she is. Remember, Jordan wants Adam out ASAP. Yes, I'm a fan of Daniele and want her to stay in the game, but common sense dictates that it would actually behoove Adam to flip right now. How he can't see that J/J/R are on the fast track to the final three (that doesn't include him!) is a mystery to me.
Shelly tells Adam that there's no way Rachel would protect either of them. Adam dimwittedly says he doesn't think Rachel can win another HOH. *smacks self in head* Oh and you can Bacon Boy? What purpose do you serve? Please, I'd love to know. You've done NOTHING this entire game. I've been writing about this show for almost 7 weeks and not once has Adam been featured as the center of anything. He hasn't fought, he hasn't entertained, he hasn't done shit. All he'll be remembered for is the guy who shaved his beard to look like a child molester. That's it! That's his claim to fame.
Shelly continues saying that neither of them can put up Jeff, but Dani can. Yes! Dani can and Dani will. Adam burbles that he thinks Kalia will keep them safe. Kalia? Kalia! Oh puhlease. Kalia has the backbone of a slinky. She'll stick her tongue up Jeff's ass and ask him, "Faster? Should I do it faster? Please like me. Please!" Nearby, Jeff approaches so they switch the conversation to a neutral topic.
Shelly goes inside and runs into Kalia. Kalia tells Shelly she must be in a weird position this week. Shelly shrugs her shoulders and says, "Don't worry about it." They begin to talk a little game, but Shelly is uncomfortable being in front of the cameras that Jordan can watch from the HOH room. They move into the Tarot Card Room where Shelly asks Kalia how she thinks Porsche will vote. Kalia says she thinks Porsche will vote with the house and evict Daniele. She thinks Porsche won't want to piss off Jeff. Not everyone is a pussy like you Kalia. The conversation turns to Adam and Kalia says Jeff wants Adam in his pocket because Jeff can't play in HOH this week. Kalia goes on to say that Adam isn't even a very good liar. He was supposed to go home 4 weeks ago. Kalia says that no matter who stays in the game, Daniele or herself, Shelly needs to team up with the Newbies and get the Oldies out. Kalia can't believe how, as a superfan, Adam is so content to spend his time in Big Brother playing for the Oldies to win. How embarrassing! Too right. Embarrassing indeed. The guy is a buffoon. Can you imagine how he'll be milking his 15 minutes when he gets out? Gross. He's another one I won't even bother to follow on Twitter. I mean, why would you? What can Adam say that's the least bit interesting or funny? If he didn't entertain you in the house, he's certainly not going to entertain you out of it. Can a primal scream even translate into a tweet?
My favorite part of the day is all thanks to Porsche who is quickly growing on me. She made a fleeting comment to Rachel about how this week a girl will be joining Brendon in the Jury House. You should have seen Rachel's face. Thin lipped, flaring nostrils, furrowed brow. Homegirl was fuming! Shelly, Porsche, and Daniele giggled about it all day long and plan to keep bringing it up to Rachel in the hopes that it'll drive her insane. Awesome. Love it. Yes. Lala approved.
I'm going to fast forward a smidge to BBAD. Shelly grabs her 86th cup of coffee for the day and saunters over to Jordan soaking her feet in the hot tub. Straight Shooter Shelly shoots straight (for once) and tells Jordan flat out that there's no way she can win against her and Jeff in the final three. Jordan replies, "Wull (that's how she says "well"), you didn't have to..." and then she trails off. Shelly says, "Here's the thing, I can't beat you guys." She tells Jordan that if by some miracle she did win in the final three, she'd take Jordan for sure to the final two. Jordan replies, "Wull, Shelly, you do what's best for you." Way to inspire confidence Jordan, you useless idiot. Jordan asks if Daniele has gotten to Shelly at all. Shelly says no. She started thinking about all of this last night.
They head upstairs to continue the conversation in private. Shelly tells Jordan that Daniele is upset because Jeff & Jordan swore they wouldn't backdoor her. Jordan swears on her family that that isn't true. Somewhere in the back hills of North Carolina, Jordan's family dropped dead. Jordan rambles on in her idiot speak about what went down with Jeff's HOH decisions. It's basically lots of "ummm uhhh ummm wull Jayeff". Mind numbing. Completely mind numbing. Jordan goes all the way back to Cassi and, I'll be honest, I can't understand what the hell she's trying to say. Shelly tells Jordan she refuses to take Rachel to the final three and Jordan agrees with her. Jordan says J&J have no plans to bring her either. *ahem* Bullshit *ahem* I'm watching this as I'm typing and I can literally feel the IQ points leaving my body with every frustrated exhale. Out of respect for my precious brain, I'm going to end this here.
I'm not sure what Shelly is thinking at this point. I saw some tweets saying she's flipped back to J&J, but you never know with the Wizard. She's a crafty one who likes to say whatever she needs to in order to fish for information. She's got a couple of days to work on Adam so the big questions are: Will Shelly minfuck Adam within an inch of his life? Will Adam rat to Jeff & Jordan? Will Shelly end up voting for Kalia if she can't wrangle Adam? It'll be an interesting next couple of days which is a LOVELY change of pace. Thank god! I don't think I'm asking too much from Big Brother to insist on gameplay and drama. When I'm inspired, the words flow. When I'm bored to tears, I'm as backed up as Kalia on slop. I need my no-no tickled every once in a while. Doesn't everyone?
Comment it out bitches and have a great day!