Friday, August 26, 2011
It's A Got Got Celebration!
I'd like to open today's blog with an exact reenactment of what I did last night. Please to enjoy:
Let's recap, shall we?
When all hope seemed lost, when the sadness overwhelmed us, when it appeared we had nothing left to live for... a miracle happened! A sexy little miracle wrapped up in velvet and tied tight with a giant ribbon bounced into our lives. The man who thought he had it all - the perfect fake relationship, the coaching from the Diary Room, scores of adoring menopausal women - is gone bitches! He got punched in the face with a jolt of reality and was sent packing. It's ok though. He'll be fine. Surrounded by past issues of Homophobic Monthly, he'll spend the rest of his summer shrouded in embarrassment and regret. It's a Festivus miracle! It's a Got Got celebration! Grab those bowls of glitter I told you to put on your windowsill at the beginning of the season and get ready to do some dippin' - some nipple dippin' that is.
Daniele is gone, Jeff is gone (woohoo!), and two very happy young ladies take an opportunity to celebrate. Giddy with excitement and bursting with joy, Kalia and Porsche are beside themselves with glee. Once again, Kalia dominated a question comp while Porsche finally sailed her way to a physical comp victory. As that POV competition was clearly designed with a Jeff victory in mind, Porsche nailed it while Jeff hurled one of the very shoes he was looking for right out of the box. Hahaha sucker!
Not everyone is happy though. There are two more little girls who are sad. Awww. Sad and weepy to be exact. *giggles* Jordan is furious things didn't go her way so now she's going to throw a gigantic tantrum and attack a woman who did only what was best for her game. You see, it's fine for Jeff, Jordan, and Rachel to play skillfully and tell lies. It's fine for Jeff to attack Shelly minutes before the live show, but somehow, in that tiny little raisin Jordan calls a brain, it's not fine for Shelly to defend herself and play strategically. Immediately after the live show ends, Jordan flies off the handle and accuses Shelly of mocking Jeff & Jordan in the DR throughout the entire game. Shelly tells Jordan she's not there to play Jeff's game. *Oh snap!* Shelly is there to play her own game. Jordan screams, "I gave you a fucking phone call!" and at home I poured a magnum of Cristal all over my naked chest. Sensing that Jordan was about to do or say something really stupid (which is pretty much par for the course), Rachel rushes in and escorts her to the Starburst Room where together they cry and lament over how their men did everything they could to protect them. *gag*
Jordan whines about how evil Daniele is, "She's such a dumb bitch. Wearing too much eye make-up!" Really Jordan? Really? You have nothing better to criticize about Daniele than her make-up? How very stoic and mature of you. Jordan continues burbling about how she should have never voted out Brendon. I suppose you could say Jordan feels like she "got got" by Shelly. *fireworks burst overhead* It's poetic really. It's all perfect and Aesop-y how everything that goes around comes around and people finally get what they deserve. I've always felt that stupidity and ignorance should never be rewarded. Jordan winning her season of Big Brother made me question the order of the universe and what the grand master flash plan was for all of humanity. Sure enough, she's spent thousands of her prize money on Jeff and now she has nothing to show for it, but a phony relationship and a disturbing complacency about it all.
Through the tears and the moans, Jordan finds one thing to be happy about. She's used her fingers to do some adding and she's realized that the Oldies control the votes in the Jury House. LOL so what Jordan? You're still going to have to vote for a Newbie to win. You're still going to have to reward that money to someone you feel doesn't deserve it. It's sort of like when you got the money your season, isn't it? Again, what goes around, comes around. Beauteous.
Meanwhile in the Tarot Card Room, Adam is busy doing his usual Thursday night flip. It's a weekly ritual he's become quite good at. It involves sucking the teat of the side of the house that's in power. It's gotten him this far. Why not try it again? Adam tells Kalia he voted the way he did against Daniele because Jeff, Jordan, and Rachel treated him well. Clearly, he missed out on all the convos that took place behind his back - the ones where Jeff mocked him and Jordan planned his eviction. Add another idiot onto the fire. If there was an "America's Favorite Floater" award, Adam would be the undisputed winner.
While all of this is going on, our leathery goddess is having herself a good cry as well. She feels bad about having to turn on Jeff & Jordan. She never meant to hurt them and we all know she's telling the truth. She went into this game looking up to them and defending them a little too much, but we all knew that eventually the glossy veneer would dull and she'd see those two assholes for who they really are - selfish and entitled. It's Jeff own fault really. Had he not been such a bullying dick to everyone, he'd probably still have Shelly in his back pocket. So now Shelly is sort of wiped out and exhausted. You know those cries you have when you're plum tuckured out? Your body is spent and you just want to curl up in bed and veg out to a My So-Called Life marathon or something. Well, that's where Shelly is right about now. She's spent.
Kalia tells Shelly that from here on out it's four against two. They just need to stick together and ride this thing out to the end. Shelly nods and sniffles about what a hypcrite Jeff is. She doesn't understand why it was ok for him to play his own game, but it was never ok for her to play her own game. Porsche tells her not to worry about. Jordan already won the $500K two years ago. She doesn't need or deserve to win it again. Shelly is thankful for her new sisters in the house and it's sort of sweet how Kalia & Porsche have rallied around her to buoy her spirits.
Back in the Starburst Room, a delicious festival of tears is taking place. Jordan is still yammering on and on about she controls the vote in the Jury House and Rachel wonders if perhaps one of them can still make it to the end. Jordan thinks it's a lost cause for both of them and Rachel says they should have all just gone out of the game in the first four weeks and collected their guaranteed stipend. In case you're wondering, the Oldies are getting paid twice what the Newbies are and it sounds like they were either guaranteed a spot in the Jury House (which would explain why Brendon came back into the game) or getting paid for the entire run of the season regardless of when they got out of the game.
As sniffling is only fun to Rachel when she has a sympathetic audience, she wipes her nose and wonders where her stuffed dog, Colonel Quackers, is. If those meanies out in the Living Room can send her and Jordan's doofus boyfriends home, then Rachel wants Colonel Quackers back and she wants him now. With a furl of her lip and a stomp, Rachel marches out of the Starburst Room and says to Shelly, "You took out my fiance. You took out Jeff. I want my stuffed dog back." Shelly replies, "I didn't take your dog sweetheart." Ha! Sweetheart! God, I love Shelly. Rachel puts her hands on her hips and says in a tough menacing voice, "Who hid Colonel Quackers?" *laughs* It's hard to be scary when you say the name "Colonel Quackers" you harlot. Rachel is insistent, but Shelly, Kalia, and Porsche swear they have no idea where it is. (Note: I am told that Shelly did indeed hide the stuffed dog which, of course, means my admiration for her grows exponentially.)
Frustrated and angry, Rachel stomps back into the Starburst Room where Jordan is still miserable and crying. *dumps an entire bowl of glitter over self* All I've wanted all season long is Jeff gone and Jordan crying about it. Jordan says herself she never wanted to come back to the Big Brother house in the first place and, to hardcore fans like all of us, it's incredibly infuriating to hear something like that. Watching her spend the entire summer hiding under the covers and sleeping is an insult to Big Brother fans. She took up a space that could have been occupied by Matt, Ragan, Ronnie or a slew of other people who'd be more than happy to play and play with a vengeance. I understand that people like and adore Jordan and to those people I ask... Doesn't it bother you that she never wanted to be there? Doesn't it rattle some sort of anger inside of you that she wants to get evicted next week and be done with the whole thing? We all invest so much time in this show and to see someone not give a shit about the opportunity they've been given is a slap in the face.
Before I can get any angrier about Jordan wasting my time, she very graciously gives me another precious gift. The tears begin to fall more rapidly and her face contorts into all sorts of glorious shapes. A fairy friend fluttered nearby and together we took tiny thimble shots of gin. I threw my top off and Bindweed Rainbowtree (that's my fairy's name) tried to take her top off too, but it got tangled in her drunken wings. Together we laughed and laughed. Her laugh is high and lilting while mine is more of an Anderson Cooper fit of giggles. Bindweed and I decided to take a shot everytime Jordan sniffled and then another shot everytime she wiped her eyes. By the end of the night we were both pantsless and face first into an empty bathtub. I've got a hell of a hangover and a crick in my neck, but it was all worth it. In fact, I've recorded a loop of Jordan crying and I plan on playing it whenever life decides to serve me lemons. A couple seconds of "Sniffle, sniffle, burble, burble, Jayeff..." and I'll be right as rain again. Thanks Jordan!
While the cryfest continues, Kalia's confidence grows into that motormouth thing she does whenever she wins something. She's telling story after story of inane crap that no one cares about while simultaneously wondering where her HOH basket is and if she can eat it yet. Porsche & Kalia discover the basket in the Storage Room and are both thrilled to find Nair inside. Kalia's letter is from her boyfriend and I don't think I'm the only one surprised he actually exists.
Let's check back into the Starburst Room, shall we? Awww would you look at that? Now both Rachel and Jordan are bawling their eyes out. Seriously ladies, you're spoiling me. Feel free to spread out your hiccup-y nonsense over the course of the next several days. There's no rush here. While instant gratification is nice and all, I'll also take little spurts here and there.
The feeds go down for a little while and when they come back, guess what happens? Porsche is our new HOH! *glitter falls from the sky* Can this week get any better? Of course it can. Check it out...
She's gone fetal! *fanfare* They both start bawling again over one of them going home and Jordan says that all the old HG's are probably cheering right now (yup). She admits that they all hate her (well, that's what happens when someone undeserving gets a prize and then alienates themself). Not one to be outdone, Rachel admits that they all hate her too. Actually, that's not true. Rachel has much more support from the old HG's than Jordan does. But who cares about all that? All I care about is that now these two sappy morons have to pack up Jeff's things for him. While they pack Jordan takes yet another opportunity to bash Daniele. She keeps saying Dani is trying to be like her dad which I don't understand at all. It's a flimsy argument that holds no weight. Daniele is nothing like her father and I think she's proved that she played her own game this season. Jordan is just so incredibly trite that the only things she can think to criticize Daniele for areher make-up and whatever the Zingbot said about her. Original thoughts aren't exactly Jordan's forte. Little snippy bursts of childlike petulance are more her speed.
The pouting continues throughout most of BBAD while Porshe dances around the house and talks to imaginary Jeff's in the mirror. "Sorry I had to beat you," she says. "I simply couldn't let you win the POV, could I?" Normally, something like this would annoy me, but I'm in a good mood tonight so let Porsche have her moment. Rock it out girl. You deserve it.
Finally, Porsche gets her HOH room. She nixed her plan to wear a bikini during the reveal and settled on her standard pink tracksuit instead. She scurries around the room pointing out who's who in all the photos while Shelly shouts, "Yay!" and Jordan chokes back tears. Rachel wanders from photo to photo with her arms crossed while Kalia scopes out the treats in Porsche's HOH basket. Porsche continues to scamper around whooping everytime she discovers something new. "My own bible, whoop!", "My bitch mints, whoop!", "That's my older brother, whoop!", "Whoop! I got a Ped Egg, yes!" She reads her letter from her little brother while Jordan is literally weeping to herself. It was a perfect ending to a perfect evening and I couldn't have asked for anything better. Thank you Big Brother gods for finally listening. I was running out of virgins to sacrifice.
The plan is to evict Rachel and, to be honest, I'd much rather they got rid of Jordan first. It scares me when people let her slither through the game, but, then again, maybe she'll fight with Shelly some more. We'll see. So, what did you guys think of last night? Did you dip your breasts in glitter (willy's for the men) or did you hurl your body off of the top of your nearest skyscraper? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!