Friday, August 19, 2011

Big Jeff, Tiny Bubbles


The big ole rusty pendulum of life has swung back in the other direction and now a bunch of insufferable maggots are in power again. Three weeks of promise are gone and all we have to show for it is one lurching penis skyper nestled cozily in a mansion somewhere. So many mistakes have been made. So many opportunities passed by. *sigh* Now I have no choice but to spend the rest of the week referring to myself in the third person. Big Colette is angry about how things went last night. Big Colette shakes her head with disdain while polishing her rifle. Big Colette can't remember where she put her bullets, but, once she finds them, Big Colette plans on shooting her face off. Let's recap, shall we?



The HOH gets off to a decent start with everyone keeping pace and shuffling their little hearts out. Straight away we knew the pretzels, hot dogs, pound cake, fish sticks, pork tendorloin, and sides of beef couldn't have been doing Kalia any favors jostling around in her stomach like that so it was pretty safe for Big Colette to assume that Kalia wouldn't even come close to winning. Besides Big Jeff, Porsche was the break out star with Jordan right behind her, but could they keep up? Only time would tell.







Shelly, the wonderful wizard of leather, was a speed demon. With her Meg Ryan hair matted to her face she raced back and forth, back and forth, on her bony legs keeping a decent pace for a smoke-filled ole broad. The only problem was she kept spilling half her bounty before making it to her giant gumball tank. It was an error she had no idea she was making and one that she'd never recover from. Thankfully, her animated fish faces kept Big Colette giggling and clapping with delight. It was somewhat comforting to know that when Shelly concentrates her tongue takes on a life of it's own and peforms a little dance for passersby. I can just imagine Shelly on a fly fishing adventure in Montana with one of her big money clients. The fish would leap out and latch onto her tongue instead of the bait. Everyone would guffaw and laugh while Shelly, cheerfully posing with both hands on hips, beamed proudly with a ten pound trout hanging off her tongue. I'm sure there are lots of stories about Shelly and her tongue. Lots of softball locker room stories.






The suds kept building and the rain kept falling. Since an injury was the only way Big Jeff would slow down and give Porsche a shot at winning, Big Colette crafted a quick and rudimentary "Break an ankle, Jeff" spell. No matter who many virgins Big Colette sacrificed or how far Big Colette sprinkled her hemlock, Big Jeff just wouldn't slow down and fall. Briefly, he choked on some suds and Big Colette takes full credit for that, but it wasn't enough to effect the outcome.



And so it is with great sadness and regret that Big Colette tells you that Big Jeff is our new HOH.

It takes Rachel about 2.3 seconds to morph from Depressed Rachel right back into Bitch Rachel. With Big Jeff in charge, Rachel is safe and she knows it. Shelly, however, isn't amused. She hates Rachel when she's sad. She hates Rachel when she's mad. She hates Rachel in a car. She hates Rachel in a bar. Shelly hates Rachel. It's a delicious hate Big Colette loves to wrap myself in. Shelly is the one person who isn't intimidated by Rachel and she won't hesitate to let Rachel know exactly how she feels about her, but more on that later.



So Big Jeff is in charge and Kalia & Porsche know they're in a little bit of trouble this week. Kalia beaches herself on her bed and says, "Oh well. If one of us goes home this week, then the stress will be over." Como what? Kalia is ready to give up that quickly? Porsche disagrees and says that she doesn't want to leave the game without winning at least one HOH. Kalia sighs in response and fingers a tub of frosting underneath the covers. If Big Colette heard Kalia was ready to give up so easily, Big Colette would've hightailed it right up to Big Jeff and told him what Kalia said. Big Colette would do what those bitches on America's Next Top Model do. Whenever they hear that someone really doesn't want to be there, they march up to Tyra and tattle. Since Tyra hates a defeatist attitude, she sends home the bitch who doesn't appreciate the opportunity she's been given. As a result, the negative energy is gone and the smizing can continue. Problem solved.

Big Jeff gets his HOH room and everyone does that sappy girly, "Awwwww!". It's not just a normal, "Awwww!" It's one of those, "Awwww's!" that go up a few decibels at the end. Like when girls see a litter of puppies... "AwwWWWW!" Annoying.



Anyhow, Jeff gets a letter from his brother, some chapstick, a t-shirt, beef jerky (which Adam tries to shove down his pants), cereal (which Jordan immediately confiscates), a cheese platter and corn nuts. Now, Big Colette takes issue with the corn nuts. Watching and listening Big Jeff pop them one by one into his giant trap was about as appetizing as listening to BB11 Natalie gnaw on a log of taffy. Excruciating!

After the initial merriment dies down, you can tell Jeff & Jordan just want to be left alone. Jeff has no desire to talk game and Jordan has her face half into a bowl of Lucky Charms. The problem is that Shelly & Rachel have no intention of leaving. They both want to get a little face time with Jeff as soon as possible. A week of sucking off Brendon has loosened Rachel's lips and she's in full on smooching mode. She says to Jeff, "Aren't you so excited?! Thank god!" She tells him how well he did in the competition and wonders where his head is at as far as nominations go.

Meanwhile, Shelly is waiting on Jordan hand and foot and is in the kitchen getting the princess some iced tea. She bitches to Daniele and Kalia about how annoyed she is with Rachel. She says that since she's off the block this week, she'll lay down the law to Rachel and tell her to cut out all of her antics. Big Colette was surprised at how open Shelly was in admitting she's safe this week, but couldn't wait to see Shelly lay into Rachel.

Big Colette wouldn't have to wait long because as soon as Shelly delivered the iced tea to Princess Jordan, she turned to Rachel and said they needed to talk. Shelly says she's sick of all the devil looks Rachel is giving her. They're on the same team and they should be supporting each rather than talking about one another behind each other's backs. Shelly says it's not her fault she was on the block against Brendon and won. *bites fist* Shelly tells Rachel that it's because of all of her hard work that Rachel has remained safe for this long. Shelly takes all the credit for keeping Rachel in the house during Kalia's HOH (as she should). Rachel sits in stony silence and doesn't say a word.

Seeing that Rachel has no intention of speaking, Jeff & Jordan jump in and say that they agree with Shelly. They want to start this week off with a clean slate. It's important they all support each other and work as a team. Shelly interrupts and says that when she hears others in the house talking about the private conversations she's had with Rachel, it makes her angry. Shelly expected a thank you from Rachel and all she got was devil looks and squinty eyes. Again, Rachel says nothing. Jeff begins popping corn nuts in his mouth and Big Colette starts to go a little mad.

Shelly eventually leaves the room and Rachel laughs, "Oooook." Jeff stops her before she can anything bad about Shelly and reiterates how they need to support each other. Rachel drops the Shelly issue for the moment and turns the conversation back to nominations. The one question on everyone's mind is whether or not they should just go ahead and nominate Daniele or backdoor her. Daniele has the Veto Ticket so she'll play in the POV regardless. Jeff worries that if they try to backdoor Daniele and she wins the POV, she'll take Porsche or Kalia off the block and Jeff will be forced to put up one of his own alliance. He asks Rachel if he were to put up Shelly, would Rachel hold a grudge and use it as an opportunity to get her out of the game? Rachel assures him that she'll vote however he wants. The goal is to get one of the three girls (Daniele, Kalia, or Porsche) out of the game. Rachel seems to be pushing for Porsche to go. She says Porsche is good in physical competitions, but we all know it's because Porsche isn't her lap dog anymore.

So, that's where we stand. Jeff is targeting the three girls, but wonders about how to nominate Daniele. If one of the three have to go home this week, Big Colette hopes it'll be Kalia. What do you guys think? Comment it out bitches and have a great day! Also, be sure to make all comments in the third person. Please preface your names with the word "Big". Thank you.



Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!


19 comments:

  1. I am pretty certain CBS is hoping Kalia doesn't leave quite yet. They haven't budgeted enough money to keep both Brendon and Kalia's mouths full for the next 4 weeks in the jury house

    ReplyDelete
  2. Cathi aka FrogladyAugust 19, 2011 at 12:01 PM

    Big Froglady LOVES Big Lala! Thanks for being the humor in an otherwise humorless BB season. Big Froglady wants Big Red to shut the "f" up and go away NOW!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well, Big QK was wondering when you would pay homage to Big Jeff's reference of himself. My son, Big Joe, asked one day "Who does that? Who calls himself Big?" Now son Joe is big and plays college football but it was way out of his comfort range to hear someone refer to themselves that way. But Big Jeff thinks he's a big deal and I doubt he is referring to his physical size. He just plain thinks he's a big deal in life.
    Big QK also wonders why Rachel isn't winning anything. WTF,she is the best, most physical, most cunning Big Brother player ever and it has got to be somewhat embarrassing for her although excuses abound and I'm sure she justifies her not for shit performances on this or that. Whatever.
    Big QK wants her gone yesterday. I'm so done with her.
    Another amazing recap that kept me laughing. Okay, Big QK thinks that this was Big Collette's best line: "Big Colette can't remember where she put her bullets, but, once she finds them, Big Colette plans on shooting her face off" Don't do it! Don't!
    This week will suck and I don't mean like Rachel's lips! (that was my 2nd favorite line)

    ReplyDelete
  4. I feel like this will be a pretty boring week. My fave line in the blog today was the one about how Rachel has loose lips from sucking off Brendon last week. Good stuff.

    WTF is the deal with Rachel's stuffed dog? I thought the whole thing was bullshit, but now people are saying Shelly took it.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Big Rick in not amused. Big Rick want Bipolar Red to win HOH and watch the house guests piddle all over themselves while kissing her large, Brendon stained ass. Seeing THAT would have amused Big Rick greatly. But alas, much like a expecting to pick a salad bar over a desert line, it was only wishful thinking... Big Rick enjoyed Lady Lala's recap immensely!

    ReplyDelete
  6. "Lots of stories about Shelly and her tongue. Lots of softball locker room stories".

    Hilarious!

    (Also that "Green Eggs & Ham" reference, too)!

    Yep! Kalia can go now. "Her Miss Boringness Personified" has already done enough damage that forced Danni to clean up.

    Kalia goes, then if Danni or some newbie wins next HOH, then Rachel, Jeff or Jordan going next would be just fine.

    "The Wonderful Wizard Of Leather" & her amazin' fish-bait catchin' tongue can stick around for humor & a potential final two win.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Big Jeff's farts smell like virgin vag after a summer rain. Big Jeff's future is so bright, Charlie Sheen prays he'll comes back as Big Jeff in his next life. Big Jeff is what every young man should aspire to become. It will take the slag-head Brendon 4, maybe 5 years to find a cure for cancer. Big Jeff can cure cancer with his tears... except he never cries.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Big Carole has been wondering if Big Red is also sick of Big Jeff getting dubbed w/"Big". Big Carole thinks Big Red wonders why her Bukie isn't given that moniker as well; after all, he IS Neandertal-Man!
    Big Carole wonders how Big Shelly will explain to dear, sweet Josie, why she felt impelled to swipe Big Red's stuffed puppy. After all, Big Shelly imparts the standards of decency in her household at home.
    May this be the impending end to the reign of Big Valley Girl. May she continue to babble in the Big Jury House to Big Brenda about her many maladies & life experiences with her mouth full of jury house fare. Perhaps she can entertain him in the pool by giving herself a Brazillian!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Big Neicy is depressed that she will have to endure at least another week of Rachel's...well just Rachel in the BB house. Big Neicy would love it if Jeff just went balls deep and backdoor Rachel instead of Dani. That way she can go spend her time with her douchebag of a fiance, and they can fight in peace. Big neicy would also be happy if Kalia was voted out. Big Neicy would also like for people to get off Big Wizards balls. Big Brother is not a game show for people who don't lie and backstab to make it to the finals and win money. She will explain all of this to her daughter I am sure.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I would like to see Dani get out and Rachel stay, and when Dani leaves to tell Rachel not to worry she will take care of Brandon.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Wow! Kalia with a week of eating hard boiled eggs and jalepenos. That ought to smell up the place!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. The Big O-Z is always amazed how words like "honesty", "integrity", "loyalty", and "trust" continue to be a part of the vocabulary of anyone inside of the Big Brother house. Shelly is starting to piss me... Shelly has pissed me off with the self-righteous soapbox garbage she spews about being so above board in the game. I don't even care that she's laying, it's for 500K, but invoking her daughter Josie is in poor taste.

    After the Shelly/Jordan interview fiasco, I'm convinced that Jordan has the IQ of dryer lint. She's sweet, nice, and kind, but above all that she's cute and without that...yeah... Jordan is very likable, but in the manner that Sean Penn's character was in "I am Sam", the she's-in-over-her-head-but-she's-trying kind of thing. I know there are some pro-Jordan folk saying "she won the game before", yeah but we all know that it was Big Jeff (and the lucky coup d'etat) that helped her do that.

    If someone goes this week I hope it's Kalia. Her piss poor attempt at HOH last week completely screwed her, Dani, and Mitsubishi. If Dani is the only one who's purpose isn't to be liked by everyone and to play her own game, then GO DANI!!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Big Dunkitkat would like to see Big Red driven off a BIG cliff with her BIG fiance to die a BIG fiery death. I would also like to see Big Jordan go on a big vacation to the Big jury house. Big Dunkitkat would like to see Big Jeff, Big Dani and Big Shelly battle it out in the final three.

    It is kind of ironic that both Big Jeff and Big Brendon have been playing with half players, Big Jordan has a great social game and no comps skills, Big Rachel has no social game and good comp skills.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Big Dan thinks Big Big Brother is pretty much Big Over. It was Big Fun while it lasted, but with Big Jeff's Big Win once Big Porsche, Big Kalia, or Big Dani go this week the Big JJAS & R group will have the Big Numbers. Actually, they do NOW. Even if Big Dani stays and wins Big HOH and gets rid of Big Jeff, the Big dumbasses on his side will still want to get Big Dani out. And so on, and so forth. With Small Brendon coming back, it threw a huge... I mean Big Wrench in any chance Big Dani could make the numbers even and ever take control of the game. If Big Dom had come back it would have been JJASR vs DDPK and if Big Dani won HOH like she did, it'd be 4-4 and at least have equal sides. But no, Big CBS was so scared of Big Jeff being voted out, they just had to bring back Small Brendon and ruin what could have been great TV. So I hope Big JJ fans are happy, because it looks like they'll be in F2 since it seems Big Adam and Big Shelly have no desire to win anyway and Big Rachel... who the hell knows where her head will be. Like Big Dan said four weeks ago or so, Big BB should have just given Big JJ $500,000 dollars and brought some other pair to come on the show.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Big Mico says all is not lost. In my fantasy world Dani wins POV and removes Pinto from the block. Jeff replaces Pinto with Shelly and Rachel gets her revenge by voting out the Straight Shooter. Jeff and Jordumb are left with the Bacon. Rachel officially joins The Dark side. Rachel and Dani final 2. Glitter and Gin for everyone

    ReplyDelete
  16. Big Rose disagrees with many people. Big Jeff, though a homophobic idiot who should NOT be representing Big Rose's home town in terms of gay rights, will make this a great week for Big Rose. Big Rose hates Kalia. Big Rose hates Kalia a lot. When Big Rose had to listen to Por Dani and Kal go on and on and ON over the past week about who they will get out after this week, then that, then the next, why Big Rose couldn't take it. Big Rose hates self-indulgent cocky-ness, especially from useless people such as Kalia and Porsche. At least Dani does something. So Big Rose hopes Kalia goes this week, and Porsche next, so that ultimate Karma can ensue.

    Big Rose also thinks people who say Big Brother rigged Brendon back in are paranoid. In most polls Big Rose saw, though Cassi was number 1, Brendon was number 2. Brendon left on a disgustingly noble note, and the general NON internet population voted to reward him. Was Big Rose happy about that? Nope. Big Rose wanted a Cassi Vs Rachel match up, never to be seen. But Big Brother isn't rigging it for JJ. Most likely, one will be gone next week.

    Love you Big Lala!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Jordumb... Good one Big Mico!

    ReplyDelete
  18. This isn't Gin or Glitter, but I wanted to give you a present.

    HYPOCRITE ALERT!!!! Outing Kalia's blog and twitter!

    Last night Kalia tried to school Adam, Dani, Porsche and Jeff that you shouldn't use the word BLACKIES because it is racist. Adam was referring to Jeff's HOH slippers as BLACKIES because they were black... in NO WAY INTENDED TO BE RACIST. Flashback to cameras 3/4 on 8/19 at 12:19 - 12:23 emphasized toward the end by Kalia on how racist that word is. NOTE BELOW WHAT Kalia'S TWITTER NAME IS!!!!!!!

    I saw a link on http://www.dogdave.com/bb.html "Is this Kalia's Sex Blog?" and got to work. Without a doubt I can confirm it is her.

    Kalia Booker's blog:
    http://thatbitchstolemyline.com/
    Kalia Booker's twitter accounts:
    @blackiecollins @kaliabalia and they follow each other as well.

    This is DEFINITELY Kalia's blog and Twitter. I confirmed the address to the website back to the address at THAT salon using the WHOIS lookup on godaddy.com (go to http://who.godaddy.com/whois.aspx?domain=thatbitchstolemyline.com&prog_id=GoDaddy) and check that first!

    domain: thatbitchstolemyline.com
    created: 29-Dec-2009
    last-changed: 30-Dec-2010
    registration-expiration: 29-Dec-2011
    registrant-firstname: Blackie
    registrant-lastname: Collins
    registrant-street1: xxxxxx
    registrant-pcode: 10027
    registrant-state: NY
    registrant-city: New York
    registrant-ccode: US
    registrant-phone: +1.212 xxx-xxxx
    registrant-email: blckcollins@gmail.com


    Then I did a reverse Address lookup and googled it... it had a link to a salon in Yelp at xxx xxxxxxxxx New York, NY 10027 with Kalia's picture showing on 5 of 9 (go to http://www.yelp.com/biz/naturally-healthy-and-beautiful-new-york) and check the picture out.

    If you continue from Yelp to the Salon Website... Kalia is on the initial page... as a stylist! The owner's facebook page reminded me of the pictures of her sister in the HOH. I can't confirm if it is her sisters... but thought that was interesting. http://www.naturallyhealthyandbeautiful.com/

    God I love being a geek! You can run but you cannot hide.

    As a side note... I decided to do the lookup because her blog on Monday, December 14, 2009 "Songs to Make Your Bed Rock" reminded me of a conversation she had with a group EARLY in the season. I think Dom and Lawon were there, but I am not going to research this any further to match up the songs... I'm pretty sure these are identical. The Blackies lecture and this song list sent me on my hunt that wasted a good 45 minutes of my life... Hope ya'll find it worthwhile.

    Dingo at Hamsterwatch did some digging too after I brought it up and confirmed it is Kalia's blog/twitter on Dingo's Facebook Wall.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Big Lance thinks Big Jegg doesn't know to count. Evicting back to back vets, allianced or not, puts the newbies in charge of numbers. Daniele would sell out any of them to stay another week. Big Lance thinks Adam and Porsche are the best noms. If one of them wins veto, put up Kalia. My 7 & 8 year olds are better at math than Big Jeff.

    Big Seacrest out

    ReplyDelete