Wednesday, August 17, 2011
The Slap Heard Around The World
Alcohol. Nectar of the gods. Bacchanalian delight. It makes your inhibitions fall to the wayside and your secrets bubble to the surface. Robert Louis Stevenson once said, "Wine is bottled poetry." Well, that's all fine and good Bobby, but I would argue that wine, in the Big Brother house, is bottled asshole-ishness. It doesn't quite roll off the tongue like that poetry line, but it'll work for now. In the Big Brother house wine is not only your unzipping, but it is your undoing. One sip of the good stuff sloshing around inside your mouth and your lips gets loose, your tongue goes wagging, and those gums, they go a'flapping. Stone-faced players turn into bowls of transparent Jell-O. Wicked hosebeasts turn into even wickeder hosebeasts. And, naturally, I'd like the entire backyard turned into a vineyard as soon as is humanly possible. Let's recap, shall we?
Not much happened during the day yesterday at all. It was basically a bunch of useless people being useless by the pool. Shelly smoked (her skin) and Jordan paddled around in the water. Apparently, Kalia got a warning from the DR about her singing. If she keeps it up, not only will they give her a penalty nomination, but they'll dock her stipend. Finally! If you don't watch the feeds, you should know that Houseguests are not allowed to sing in the house and everytime they do sing, the feeds go down until they shut their giant traps. Kalia sings ALL THE TIME. Therefore, the feeds go down ALL THE TIME. It's been going on since week one and I'm not sure who or what made CBS finally threaten her, but I'd like to write that person a thank you note. Actually, I think it was a Michael Jackson song that finally pushed CBS over the edge. Can you imagine the price of having to pay for the rights to use an MJ song? Astronomical, I would think. I would also think that Kalia's measly stipend wouldn't even cover 1/10th of it. So, thank you Michael. Shamon.
I'm going to fast forward right to BBAD where we find Shelly furiously cleaning and Daniele dipping into her HOH wine. The HG's are preparing for the big hot dog eating contest between Adam and Brendon. Giant glasses of water are poured and a huge plastic bowl of weiners is delivered. Jeff splits open all the buns while Adam plans his attack. Each bun is carefully placed over a napkin lining the counter while Shelly sneaks outside for a quick smoke. Somehow a raw egg became a bonus round and Kalia stood by somewhere and drooled.
Finally, the contest is ready to begin. Brendon ninja kicks the air. Adam adjusts his bandana. Kalia hides under the counter waiting to catch any crumbs and Jeff banishes Rachel from the contest area. On your mark, get set, go!
Adam uses the separating method and immediately sends 5 weiners to his belly. Brendon daintily nibbles on a hot dog while Adam furiously shoves buns into glasses of water. Brendon whips out a knife and fork and chops his dogs into tiny little ladylike pieces. Rachel stands on the sidelines and fans her man with a towel. Meanwhile, the entire crowd is cheering for Adam. "You got this Adam! Take your time Adam! Go Adam!" Rachel jumped up and down banging on an inflated trash bag. "Bren-don! Bren-don! Bren-don!" I took my rifle out from underneath my bed and shot her right between the eyes. Try saying "Bren-don" now, bitch. *blows on the end of the barrell*
Adam finishes his 10th dog, cracks an egg into a glass and guzzles it down. With a primal metal scream and a string of belches, Kalia, I mean Adam, is the winner.
While the dogs settle and burps subside, Rachel sneaks upstairs to make her final pitch to Daniele about keeping Brendon in the game. She begins the conversation with, "Isn't Brendon so fun?" Daniele rolls her eyes and says, "Oh my god, that's really how you're going to pitch this to me?" Daniele quickly assures Rachel that she'll work on Porsche for her vote to keep Brendon. Rachel thinks it's a waste of time and wonders what the chances are of getting Kalia to flip. Daniele thinks that in the end Kalia will do what she wants to do. Rachel asks Daniele how she'll vote in the event of a tie. Daniele asks her who she thinks the 3 will be to keep Brendon. Rachel says herself, Jeff and Jordan. Daniele confesses that if the vote comes to a tie, it puts her in a really bad spot. Rachel understands, but tells Daniele that she needs to think about who will help her get to the end. Is Shelly really that person?
Rachel wants to talk to Kalia with Brendon and pitch a deal. Daniele tells Rachel that all Kalia cares about is people in the house liking her. This little fun fact goes in one of Rachel's ears and out the other. Actually, Daniele is pretty astute in her assessment of Kalia. I said last week that Kalia was insecure and self-sabotaging. She destroyed her own HOH out of a need to please others. Rachel would do well to pay attention to these little tidbits as they could be used to reel Kalia in at a later date. The conversation continues and I'll admit that I'm a little lost. Daniele swears she'll help Rachel try to keep Brendon and all I can think is, "Wait. What? Really? How come?" Usually Daniele is pretty straightforward about not wanting to keep certain people in the game so I have to scratch my head and wonder why the hell she wants Brendon to stick around.
Daniele tells Rachel that she told Brendon that if he leaves, she has Rachel's back. Now, I'm really confused. Daniele assures Rachel that they are in a secret alliance that she will keep from Kalia. If Rachel ever tells anyone about their secret alliance, then Daniele will deny it to her death and go back on it. But, for now, Daniele wants to work with Rachel. *sigh* Really? Come on! I hope she's lying, but, to steal a phrase from Shelly, Daniele has always been a "striaght shooter" when it comes to telling Rachel where her head is at. If she didn't trust Rachel, she'd tell her to her face. She's done it in the past so I'd assume, if she felt the same way, she'd do it again now. But, she's not doing it again now. She's Team Rachel now. *throws hands in the air* I don't get it. If I missed something, let me know in the comments. I asked people last night on Twitter about this and no one else seems to know what's going on either. I welcome any explanations.
Now, let's move on to what had Twitter all a'twitter last night... the big Rachel & Brendon fight. It was probably the biggest one we've seen yet and, if I do say so myself, it was awesome. The fights are what I live for. Salty, delicious, crumbly fights. Rachel leaves the HOH and Brendon immediately pounces on her saying that by the look on her face, it didn't go well with Dani. Au contraire mon frere! It went swimmingly. Rachel is in a secret alliance and has her ass covered in the event that you leave. We all wondered if Rachel would spill her new deal to her bohunk boyfriend, but, to everyone's delight, she kept her mouth shut. All Rachel tells Brendon is that their only hope is Kalia and that if they can't get Kalia, Daniele probably wouldn't save him in the event of a tie. She shrugs her shoulders and acts defeated. But, BUT, really, deep down inside she knows she's ok. Her silence is impressive. Too bad the rest of her isn't.
Brendon lurches into the kitchen to make some coffee and Rachel approaches shortly after. They whisper to each other some more with Rachel firmly strapping a "sad face" on. Suddenly, she mopes over to the fridge, leans in, takes out a beer, snaps it open, smiles with daggers in her eyes and then closes the fridge again. Brendon says, "What the hell are you doing?! That was Porsche's beer, wasn't it?" Rachel giggles in response and that was all it took. The opening of a beer can. So innocent and so evil all at the same time. Brendon says, "Stop it! You're fucking pissing me off now!" He summons his harlot into the Have-Not room and here we go...
Rachel tells him to please not yell at her, but her request falls on deaf ears. That's what they're here for - for Brendon to yell at her. He immediately launches into a tirade about how he's worked so hard for her to stay in the game and then she goes and does something stupid like opening Porsche's beer. On this point, Brendon is right. He sacrificed himself for her and she very flippantly does stupid little shit that could destroy her (and his) credibility in the game. I get it. I completely understand where he's coming from. Brendon wonders why he's killing himself to keep her in this game and Rachel says, "I don't know. You shouldn't have come back. Basically." *bites fist* Ahaha!
Brendon sighs and then paces around the room beating on his own chest like an angry gorilla. He asks why she's giving up so easy. Is it so she can hang out with him in the Jury House? Rachel says yes and explains that she'll never make it to the final two. Now, I don't know what Brendon did in sequester (Skype), but it seems like he really doesn't want Rachel around him in Jury. Is it because he wants her to win or is it because she's a vile exhausting hag? *shrugs shoulders* Who knows? He's mad she's giving up so easily. Rachel whines that she's not giving up. And around and around we go.
The frustration builds and Brendon begins to wave his arms more than usual. Rachel perches herself on a dresser while Brendon continues wearing the floorboards thin. Rachel insists she'll fight as hard as she can and with one quick "Shh!", Brendon tells her through clenched teeth to keep her mouth shut and lower her voice. He can yell as loud as he wants, but she's not allowed to speak. I realize her voice is annoying, but does he have scientific proof that it carries much further than his own voice? Does he have a marble journal of scientific data back in his studio apartment at UCLA? In this situation, Brendon is being an asshole, but why Rachel doesn't ignore him and tell him to keep his own voice down, I don't know. If I could reach through the tv and strangle some sense into her, I would. It's incredibly frustrating to watch someone sit glassy-eyed and not respond how you want them to.
For some reason, Brendon becomes very angry with Rachel sitting on the dresser. I think it's because he wants to sit on the bed and, like the Dalai Lama, no one else can sit higher than he does. That's the only explanation I can come up with because the second he insists she gets down from the dresser, he sits down on the bed. Once they're on the bed, Brendon becomes very angry with the mattress and begins to punch it. I don't know what the mattress ever did to him, but it's going to suffer for it... Ohhh, it'll suffer! The best part about the matress punch is how Twitter blew up in response. "If he can punch the bed, he'll punch her next!", "Oh my god, he's abusing her!", "@CBS should remove him from the house for beating her!" Lots of ridiculous ranting from some really uptight people who don't see the promise of what could be.
Let me lay it out for you, I want Brendon to punch Rachel. Before you get all angry, hear me out. Can you imagine the backlash that would come from Brendon smacking Rachel on the feeds? Ho.Ly. Shit! He would be removed from the house, he'd probably get kicked out of school, his future would be over, his reputation done and the world would hate him. I don't know about you, but that sounds fantastic to me. Am I the only one who has the foresight to see Brendon splashed all over the tabloids with the headline, "The Slap Heard Around The World!" We can all see how bad this relationship is for Rachel. Clearly, the girl needs a wake up call before she ruins her life for this kid. I don't like Rachel at all, but I also don't want to see any woman in a suffocatingly abusive relationship. Better to get it all over with with one solid punch and then move on. Besides, the show could use the ratings boost. It's a win-win for everyone. He's a sadistic asshole. Let's let him suffer a bit. I mean, why not?
Apparently, in the wee hours of the morning, Daniele got drunk and had two game changing conversations: one with Shelly and one with Jeff & Jordan. I haven't seen them yet and it'll take me a while to Flashback so I'll let you guys leave your thoughts on it in the comments. From what I can gather, Daniele may have spilled everything to Jeff & Jordan while at the same time begging them to take her back. It sounds messy and fascinating all at the same time, but, then again, that's what wine does to you. One second you're the life of the party and the next you're searching for your panties on the floor of some random person's apartment. Bottled poetry indeed! Comment it out bitches and have a great day! Tomorrow is my day off so I'll see you on Friday.