Friday, July 20, 2012
He Will Rise
The martyr. Someone who gives up something of great value - like $500,000 - for the sake of principle. A person who fights the good fight. Someone who stands up for a group, and when the rest of that group turns into spineless sniveling whiny bitches, maintains decorum and resolve through the tyranny of a thousand farts. I give you Willie - our intrepid leader, our brave General, our Spartacus. He sought to free the slaves only to have them run back and leap into the arms of their captors. And now, like Jesus, he is subjected to persecution, alienation, subjugation, and, eventually, transubstantiation. But he will RISE. He will Maya Angelou rise godammit. He will rise and he will triumph! *shakes a rotting carrot at the sky* I don't care how many virgins I have to sacrifice on his behalf. *drags a duct taped Ian to the ritual altar* I do this for US bitches. I do this in the name of entertainment! Let's recap, shall we?
What can I say? What can I say that hasn't already been said? How many more tears must I shed? A pioneer, a leader, a visionary has been kicked off of his pedestal and replaced by a man who propels himself forward by the sheer velocity of his own farts. A Shirley Temple with gastrointestinal issues and pungent body odor. A walking cornucopia of cumin and bleu cheese.
The HOH competition is over because a bunch of lazy ninnies can't remember how an overweight cat burglar shaves his legs and now we have to deal with the aftermath. Stank Frank is a smug gloating anti-Febreze while Boogie is now free to soundly sleep through another week. Even more surprising is the cult of no personality hanging onto Frank's every word and move. The same people who didn't want to be bossed around by someone charismatic and innovative are now grovelling at the acrid feet of a pigeon-toed douchebag. Janelle won't let Frank out of her sight while Ashley sits in a corner and cries over voting out her friend. You know what Ashley? Shut up. Just shut up. Cowards don't get to feel sorry for themselves.
Alright so let's get down to business. There is a new "twist" this week that allows the winner of the Coaches' Competition to either save one of their own or trade a player with someone on another team. Willie, like myself, assumes that if Britney wins, she'd use the power to save him. He tells Boogie and Shane that he'd rather Britney not use the power on him at all. He'd rather she use it to save someone else. Boogie thinks the new power altogether is strange. He thinks it's way too early for Coaches to start trading players.
Random house chitchat continues and we discover that Ian thinks he lost the HOH competition because of his terrible spatial perception - whatever the hell that means - while Jenn calls the cat burglar a "fat asshole" for sitting weird while shaving his legs. Meanwhile, Ashley and Wil talk about the upcoming week with Ashley saying she's going to stay quiet this week. She has to be careful what she says out loud. She trusts Wil and Joe, but Joe scares her so she doesn't plan on sharing anything with him.
Over in the Lounge we find Britney and Shane. Britney, gnawing on her cuticles, asks Shane if she should trade Willie if she wins the Coaches' Competition. She worries that if she trades Willie, the other teams will target Shane instead. She advises Shane to keep his distance from Willie this week. Shane sighs and says that this week is the worst possible scenario they could have envisioned. Shhh Shane! Britney has to talk about herself some more. Stop interrupting! Britney again says, "If I trade Willie, they may target another member of my team." Uh, you already said that dumb ass. Shane looks down at his hands and says, "Well, I hope you'd try to save me, but you need to do what's best for you." Britney says that she thinks Boogie and Janelle have a deal. She thinks they might vote out Danielle so they can get rid of Dan (Oh happy day!). Britney says she knows Boogie can't stand Danielle.
Britney then turns the conversation back to Willie and mocks him for telling her not to save him if she wins. She says it's Willie's fault that Kara lost $500,000. Shane nods and says that thanks to Willie, his game is probably ruined too. Oh give me a break. This is all Britney's fault! If she hadn't said all of that crap about the Coaches entering the game, we wouldn't be in the position we are now. Britney continues saying that Willie needs to learn some humility. She thinks JoJo will stay loyal to Willie and has no idea that she's on a sinking ship. Shane sighs again to himself and says that Ashley really fucked them over. Britney replies, "I know, but I have to be nice to her." So let me get this straight, if Ashley had voted how she was supposed to, everything would be fine? Well then why are you mad at Willie?!
Over in the foot room it's a celebration. A depressingly phony celebration. Frank is the second coming and Janelle is still refusing to leave him alone with anyone. Dan is similarly scared to leave Danielle on her own. He wants everyone to think that they've created this amazing bond so she won't get voted out. Then Joe bursts into the room and leaps on Frank while Ashley stares at everyone with an open mouth. I'm not sure if she's as nauseated by the scene as I am or if she's trying to catch enough flies for dinner. Either way, she looks like a space cadet.
Meanwhile, out in the dining room...
*dabs tears from eyes* You know what? At least JoJo is loyal! At least she's sticking by her friend and not abandoning her alliance. Those other chuckleheads ran away faster than you can say "coward". If JoJo or Shane had won HOH, they wouldn't be anywhere near Frank right now. Sheep! Sheep! Here's the church. Here's the sheeple. Open the door and throw a lit match inside.
And here is where we come to the most unbelievable conversation you'll ever witness. It's unbelievable for a great many reasons, but mainly it's unbelievable that anyone anywhere consented to marry Britney. If you don't have the live feeds (you fools!), I can 99% guarantee we'll have snippets of it on the Big Brother Gossip Show tomorrow night so definitely tune in to get a taste of the awfulness.
OK so let me set the stage for you. Britney and Willie are sitting in the Lounge and Willie feels terrible. Look, he's not perfect. I know I'm a big fan of his, but Willie isn't a genius and he's certainly not flawless. What he is, however, is honest with himself. He knows he screwed up last week by confronting Frank and he feels really shitty about it because it has put Britney in a horrible position. He's not defending himself. He's not trying to change history. He's simply apologizing to Britney and telling her that he loves her. Britney scoffs in response and furrows her brow, "You didn't have to act that way." Willie tells her that where he comes from you defend yourself. If someone spreads lies about you (Frank telling people Willie is homophobic), you have to defend yourself especially since your family is at home watching. Britney tells them that that's not the way you play Big Brother. Willie says he just couldn't, in good conscience, let someone drag his name through the mud. (Note: Willie has a gay nephew which might help explain why he got so angry over Frank's lies.)
Britney replies, "You only think about yourself. If you win POV this week, you're ruining the game for JoJo and Shane." What a bitch! Willie asks, "So you don't want me to try to win?" Before she can answer, Willie tells her to go ahead and trade him. Britney whines, "No! Because then Shane will go home!" Willie tells her that if she needs to get rid of him, then go ahead. Britney says that if she could she'd rip out his trachea and only let him speak when she wanted to let him speak. Willie laughs in that lovely lilting way he was, but Britney isn't joking around. She doesn't even crack a smile.
Britney makes all sorts of faces and continues in a whine that would make anyone's brain bleed. She goes on and on about how because of Willie's behavior, she's going to lose a team member now. Meanwhile, Dan is sitting somewhere with only Danielle left. She tells Willie that the reason Ashley voted the way she did is because of Willie. It's his fault.
Willie, who is surprisingly calm and docile, tells Britney that he doesn't want to fight with her. Britney is having none of it though. She pokes and prods and needles and picks and scratches. It's a relentless assault where Britney, in the worst whine you can ever imagine, tells Willie over and over again how it's all his fault she's in the position she's in now. Willie says, "I feel bad. You can't make me feel any worse than I do." He tells Britney he's the type of person that forgives people. You want to know how Britney replies? "I thought you'd be an asset and you're not!"
Willie tells her that Dan is in a much worse position than she is because he only has one person. Britney spits back, "Dan is not worse off than me!" Willie recoils and apologizes. He's letting her vent and he's not arguing back yet Britney, my god Britney, goes on and on and on and on and on about how awful he is, how he's messed up everything, how her life is over now, how no one in the world is going through the pain that she is. Basically, she's telling Willie he should pretty much kill himself.
Now, I know I'm biased. I know I'm clearly going to take Willie's side in everything, but I sometimes like to check out how the anti-Willie people feel about certain situations just so I'm better equipped to deal with them down the road. You want to know what I found amongst the anti-Willies? Sympathy! An overwhelming display of sympathy! Britney was redefining the word awful in such a glorious manner that my Twitter pals who loathe Willie couldn't help but feel sorry for the poor guy. Here are just a few examples of the tweets I got last night:
@ColetteLala I commend him for keeping it together while Britney berated him like he's a little kid. I doubt many would have been that calm
@ColetteLala I loved him an hour ago, and I love him still. How he stayed calm through Britney's tongue lashing is beyond me.
@ColetteLala This could be Willie's redemption arc starting. I hate most of the HGs and I don't hate Willie now ... #pleaseshootme #lol
@ColetteLala Maybe being an underdog suits him better than a powerful leader
@ColetteLala I don't even like Willie and I think he's coming across 100x better than she is in this convo. What a selfish brat. #BB14
@ColetteLala Can you imagine when she has kids? #BB14
@ColetteLala I muted...couldn't watch anymore.. Hubby is watching in the kitchen.. Heard him say "Whiney bitch" lol
@ColetteLala I have lost all respect for Brit...period! #BB14
@ColetteLala the monotone voice is sickening, I hope she DORs, please.
I can imagine the conversation at home. "I told you to get Charmin. How could you embarrass me like this?" #BritneySucks #bb14
Dammit, Britney, you're going to make me feel bad for a Hantz! #bb14
And then, something miraculous happened. I saw it. I fucking saw it. A bright welcoming light at the end of the tunnel. No, it wasn't my Sheryl Crow tumor causing me to pass out. It was promise. It was hope. It was beauty. It. Was. Redemption. I saw, with my own eyes, the title of my blog next Friday. Wait for it... FROM REVOLUTION TO REDEMPTION: The Willie Hantz Story.
Here's what Willie needs to do: He needs to lay low. REAL low. He needs to lay low, shoot the shit, be charming, make the girls laugh, hide any bitterness he may have towards Frank and the others, and then pull a Boogie and disappear whenever drama breaks out. Essentially, he needs to play this week by not playing. He should try to win POV and all that, but if it doesn't work out, he can't appear broken up about it. He can't act defeated.
You think I'm crazy, right? Well, hang on to your tits kids because a little later in the evening we hear Boogie telling Dan that maybe it's smarter to get rid of Shane this week instead of Willie (Yes!). Boogie thinks Shane is entirely too comfortable and is seemingly more of a physical threat. Plus, Boogie doesn't think that Shane is all that smart. Both Coaches agree that keeping Willie around might be a good idea. Keeping Willie is not only good for the universe, world peace, me, the live feeds, and you. It's good for the house. Willie will always remain a target and having a target milling about the house takes the heat off of some of the other players.
Boogie and Dan also wonder about the Twist and what Britney would do if she won the Coaches Competition. Boogie would love to talk to Britney about having her trade with someone on Janelle's team - maybe Willie for Wil. Dan thinks Willie would probably go home in a scenario like that to which Boogie replies that that's still better than Dan going home. Oh shut up Boogie.
Britney then joins the conversation and Dan begins to lay it on really thick how close he is with Danielle (this is plan to save himself and keep her from traded). Boogie chimes in saying that Shane is a much bigger target and Britney would suffer more if she lost him rather than Willie. With thin lips and a piercing glare, Britney is pissed off. She doesn't like it that they're telling her to to just accept losing a player this week. It really chaps her ass that her team might not be fully intact. I think she expected to make it through the next several weeks with no one on her team going home.
Britney starts her "woe is me" crap again and she just can't understand why she's the target all of a sudden. Ohhh I don't know... because you have a big mouth, because you were clearly in an alliance with Janelle, because you acted like an asshole last week, because you caused the Revolution. Boogie then takes a set of pan pipes out of his pocket and plays the sweetest tune I've ever heard. The wood nymps and myself twirled and danced. The fairies fluttered and the woodland creatures giggled. Boogie suggests to Britney that maybe there's a way for Willie to fix his reputation to where people like him again. He adds that he may not even go after Willie this week. Just because it's what the house wants, doesn't mean it's what he wants. *a single solitary speck of glitter floats through the air*
It's not much, but it's all I have to hang on to.
And then we get Frank's HOH reveal. Not only does he have diarrhea (Seriously, he does. Like every other one of his bodily functions, he announced it.), but now we have to endure watching him get his HOH room. All we see is his basket though. The feeds show his basket and the switch to Trivia. We still get the sound but no images of him looking at his photos or reading his letter.
From what I can gather he got pretzel M&M's, beef jerky, "good coffee", sushi, strawberries, raspberries, beer, and plumaisins which are diced up prunes. That last thing this guy needs is something to make him shit or give him gas. His letter from home says that his Nana is taking notes on strategy he should use... notes he'll never see until he gets out of the house mind you.
We do manage to get a quick clip of the HOH merriment where Frank is applauding himself. Oh my god I hate him so much. I hate him! My hate doesn't even have anything to do with Willie. There's just something about him that makes me absolutely crazy. Maybe it's the B.O. or the farting. Or maybe it's the laziness and lack of charisma. Who knows. All I know is I hate him and I'm extremely bitter about it.
And since Frank won, Boogie also gets some photos from home. Apparently, his baby has grown into a full man over the past 2 weeks. He's shaving, driving, and applying to grad schools now.
I've got to end this here for today. I heard there was some weirdness with Danielle talking about her possessed dad again *sprinkles holy water around* , but I don't have time to look it up right now. I wanted to get at least something up for you guys since I couldn't blog yesterday. Most importantly, I wanted to deliver hope. My gift to you and all rational Willie fans everywhere is hope. We will not give up! He will rise! The blog will be back to normal this weekend. Promise! Thanks for bearing with me while I try not to be homeless.
So, what do you guys think of Frank as our new HOH? Were you as disgusted as the rest of us by Britney's behavior? Does Willie actually have a chance to survive? Will Janelle ever leave Frank alone? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!