Monday, July 16, 2012
The Dance Of The Two Hankies
The Dance Of The Seven Veils. A mystical interpretative expression of the tale of the execution of John The Baptist. In Salome, Rita Hayworth taunted us with her slow striptease version of the dance. In "Mandinka", Sinead O'Connor sang "I'm dancing the seven veils/Want you to pick up my scarf/See how the black moon fades/Soon I can give you my heart." Throughout history the seven veils have taunted and teased. Salome, the timeless symbol of dangerous female seductiveness, gave birth to the femme fatales we know and love today with her slithering pleading for the head of John. She writhed and tempted, flung sheets of silk hither and thither, but not even Salome could be prepared for the 2012 version: The Dance Of The Two Hankies. Herky jerky arm flails coupled with buoyant leaps as only Glitter Wil can perform. Let's recap, shall we?
It's the day of the POV ceremony and the house is filled with pre-ceremony jitters. Boogie stands alone in the filthy kitchen angry that his boy Frank is on the block, angry that he's probably not coming off, and angry at the ant colony that has taken over. He's had enough. Enough! Ian leaves his dishes everywhere like his mommy is going to come clean up after him. Britney makes cookies every night and leaves the pans lying around. Dishes, pans, bowls, caked cutlery... all invitations for the ant people to come and declare this kitchen as their own. Joe looks on in disdain. Hell, he might even nominate someone in the future based on cleanliness alone. Hang on there Chef Joe, wasn't it you I saw on the CBS show last night whipping up crazy concoctions and expecting the nonexistent busboys to clear it all away? Anyhow, Boogie is angry and looking for a fight. He's looking to get everyone riled up because he has nothing to lose. What's the house gonna do, evict him? They can't!
After Boogie throws his mini temper tantrum, Joe and Wil are in the Storage Room and Joe is about to flip the entire house upside down. He tells Wil that Jenn and Frank approached him last night wanting an alliance. They're gunning for Shane and Willie and want Joe to join forces with them. Apparently, Jenn also told him that Boogie is killing her game. It's clear that Britney and Janelle are after Boogie who is sort of a joke of a coach because he can't even control that spaz Ian. Wil marinates on this new development and tells Joe that they need to tell Willie everything. Joe agrees and says he doesn't want to get caught keeping secrets from his alliance.
Wil tells Joe that he thinks Frank and Willie have an agreement together. Joe agrees and worries that Frank is going to stab Willie in the back. He thinks they should go to Janelle before the POV ceremony starts. Wil replies, "We should just go tell Willie. It's not the Coaches' game." *whispers "Revolution"*
Let me interject here with this: no one, AND I MEAN NO ONE, can confirm whether or not what Joe is saying is true. There are rumors he fabricated the entire conversation with Frank and there are rumors he's only mildly exaggerating the conversation. I wasn't watching the feeds when the Frank/Jenn/Joe conversation took place and apparently the viewers that were around were gnawing on their brain matter at the time. So, it's a big mystery as to whether or not Joe is outright lying. If he is, good for him! I love it when players lie to mess with the others players' minds. If he's not making it up, then Willie could really screw up his game putting his faith in Frank.
Joe hurries up to the HOH room in search of Janelle. He finds her in the bathroom and regales with the tale of Frank's plans to get rid of Willie and Shane. Janelle is stunned. Stunned! She tells Joe that they need to tell Willie immediately. Then, the feeds go down for the POV Ceremony. Gah! Did Janelle reach Willie in time?
When the feeds return, we discover that Shane did not use the POV. The nominations remain the same and Frank and Kara are still on the block.
Up in the HOH room, Willie is holding court with his bitches (Britney, JoJo, Shane, Janelle). Britney says that Boogie doesn't care about Frank at all. He just wants to get Dan out of the game. Britney and Janelle are adamant that Willie cannot trust Frank. Willie mulls all of this new information over and thinks he needs to sit down with Kara again to pick her brain. He needs to get rid of her at some point, but maybe he can work with her for the time being. Britney says that later on down the road it'll be easier to get rid of players like Kara and Danielle whereas Frank might be a little more difficult. Boogie could win the Coaches' Comp again and again and keep saving Frank.
Next week's HOH competition is incredibly important and it's making Willie nervous. Britney says she'll meet with Kara too and start building a friendship with her so she doesn't put up a member of her or Janelle's team were she to win HOH. Willie says that over the next 3 weeks Ian, Jenn, and Kara need to go. Danielle can stick around for a while because she's lame (No! I want Dan gone!). The group then discuss how cool Joe is and how he's definitely down for their cause. He has only their safety in mind which comforts Willie and his bitches.
Willie makes good on his promise to feel out Kara and the two meet in the HOH to discuss where they both stand. Kara assures Wilie that if she wins HOH next week she'll put Ian and Jenn on the block. Kara is especially scared of Ian. Willie is pleased to hear this and replies, "That would be excellent." Only he did it with a drawl and a giggle. Can we talk about Willie's laugh for a moment? How cute is it? Come on! It's like a high pitched tinkle on the wind. His little stocky body jiggles in tandem with his giggles and you just kind of put your arms up under your chin and sigh. Not in a "Willie is hot" kind of way, but in an "Awww I want to be his friend" kind of a way. When Willie laughs, the world laughs.
The conversation continues and Willie wants to know that if he ends up on the block next week, would Kara vote to save him? Kara says yes. Willie tells her that now it's looking pretty good for her to stay in the house this week. He leaves her with one warning though - "Don't go runnin' your mouth. Keep it low." Willie's biggest fear is all of the people he's confided in running wild around the house telling each other his secrets. Like I said on the last Big Brother Gossip Show, I'm worried for Willie when it comes to his mouth. He tells everyone who he's targeting and he's always dropping different names. All he needs is for someone to tell one of his targets about his plans and he's screwed. If anyone needs to start keeping it low, it's Willie.
Now, we never really see too much of Boogie advising Frank but we did catch a nauseating nugget yesterday. In a quick drive by meeting, Boogie tells Frank he needs to meet up with Willie and Shane to solidify, wait for it... The Brigade 2.0. *stabs face with a hot poker* Here's what's interesting though - Frank is one of those Revolution Resistance people who doesn't like his Coach. If it's true that he wants to go after Willie and Shane (which makes sense because after last night's show Willie totally stabbed Frank in the back), Boogie has no knowledge of it. Boogie is a lazy Coach who once in a while points in a direction and mumbles, "Yeah, go join them. Got any ointment?"
Speaking of Boogie, earlier in the day (or maybe the night before?) he asked Kara out on a date. Kara was grossed out by it and has no intentions of being alone anywhere with Boogie. As soon as Janelle hears the news, she begins another one of her Boogie obsessed tirades. I think Janelle would like us to think she's standing up for womankind, but I'm guessing she's secretly attracted to Boogie. Why else is she so obsessed with him? Someone in the house could say, "Boogie went outside to sit in the sun." and Janelle will reply with a two hour recap of his game play in season 7 which is exactly what happened yesterday. Kara brings up the date thing and Janelle goes on and on warning her that that is how Boogie operates. He finds a naive girl, sleeps in her bed with her, and then has her take him to the end. It's probably true, but Janelle is just so whiny about it. It's definitely a point of contention for her because she just won't let it go.
While talking with Kara and Danielle about Boogie, Danielle does what Danielle does best and turns the conversation around to focus on her. She mumbles, "I think Shane is cute." Kara and Janelle kind of ignore her and begin to discuss how Ian thinks he was cast as a villain. Kara thinks he's harmless, but Danielle saw him snap at Ashley the other day and think he's a festering pool of evil. Then, of course, she brings up Shane again. Here's the thing, Danielle pretty much came on Big Brother to find a husband. She's one of those nauseating home viewers enraptured by Jeff and Jordan and Brendon and Rachel. At home she spends night after night studying The Rules (remember that awful book from the 90's that told us all to stop sleeping around - horrifying!) and making wedding dioramas. She's already registered at Crate & Barrel just in case.
After Janelle manages to escape from Danielle she heads up to the HOH for a little meeting with Wil and Willie. Willie thinks it's weird that Boogie won't talk to him. Janelle tells him that he talks to Shane because he thinks he can recruit Shane, not Willie. Willie then declares that if anyone leaves their big alliance, they're done! It'll be a Big Brother suicide if they defect and join Boogie or Dan.
Janelle and Wil then start scheming about what would happen if Willie had to break a tie on Thursday. Janelle is insistent that Willie makes a big asshole speech before evicting Frank. She wants Boogie humiliated on live TV. Plus, she thinks he'll lose his shit and not be able to focus on pumping up his team for the next HOH competition. Janelle then leaps out of her chair and starts waving her arms all around, "It will make such good TV! You could say that since Frank was working with Booger, he has to go home. It will be such great TV!" At home I watched and wondered if she was drunk again. She was wild eyed and slurring her words. Unless she hid some beer cans in her bikini, I think it might have been a manic spurt coupled with her lip injections that made her crazed and incoherent.
Meanwhile, downstairs, Danielle is positively gooey over Shane. She tells him how much she likes to flirt with him and at home we all kind of cringed and looked away. Danielle is worried that if her best good friend Kara goes home this week, the house will target her next so they can get rid of Dan. Shane tells her that if Dan goes home, Danielle can still play to win the $500,000. Errr, what? Methinks someone has been eating puka shells for breakfast. If Dan goes home, it means that Danielle went home too you dumb ass!
So Shane isn't attracted to Danielle at all. Maybe it's her pudding face or her screechy voice. I have no idea. You know who else doesn't care for Danielle? JoJo! Gold digging delicious JoJo. She hates Danielle. She hates her voice, she hates her face, she hates her body, she hates her boy legs, she hates everything about her! It's like she's reading my thoughts. In a sexy bubble bath with Janelle, JoJo muses that she might start flirting with Shane just to piss of Danielle. Yes! Oh my god, can you imagine? Danielle would go apeshit.
JoJo clarifies that she wouldn't necessarily hook up with Shane in the house but she'll totally do him at the BB after party. You listen to me JoJo - you WILL seduce Shane in the house and you'll do it so Danielle walks in and starts smashing the flatware. She'll claim the devil possessed her and it will be awesome.
The talk then turns to game. JoJo confides in Janelle that her two favorites in the house are Wil and Ashley. Janelle advises her to take Ashley to the final two because a woman has never won Big Brother going up against a man at the end.
This brings us to the time when the CBS show aired. I was trying to focus on the show, but there was a giant meeting going on in the HOH room. Since I had the feeds on mute, all I could see was the big alliance having a meeting and passing around a golden apple when it was their turn to talk. AbFab fans will note the talking stick episode entitled 'The End' when Edina tries to find herself in a new age retreat...
"You haven't got the stick."
"Well give me the stick. How much IS the stick? I'll buy my own stick. Give it to me!"
Since the big alliance was passing around a golden apple and "Big Alliance" is a dumb ass name, let's call them The Golden Apples.
So, The Golden Apples are up in the HOH and they make a monumental pact. The agreement is that none of them will vote each other out until the rest of the house is gone. Willie says he's never been playing this game for himself, he's always been playing for the apples and he'll beat that Abby Lee Miller come hell or high water. Janelle nods and tells them they all need to keep it together because poor stressed out Willie is falling apart. Willie shouts, "I am falling apart!" And then everyone giggled and climbed into a giant orgy. It's the day after and they still can't find that apple. Orifice check!
A couple of hours later we have a stupid dumb ass date between Ian and Ashley. Ian asked her out on a slop date and I loathe him even more now. Here's what, Ian is a show boater. Everything he does, all of his weirdo creepy slithering is to get more air time, more feed time, more coverage, etc. I hate that. I really do. Don't think that asking Ashley on a date for precisely when Showtime is airing After Dark was coincidence. He's a camera whore. Plain and simple.
So the two have a stupid date with Chef Joe preparing succulent slop creations. Ian talks about his chemistry studies and Ashley inquires about what exactly is organic chemistry. Is it like the organic fruit you get at the grocery store? No, organic chemistry is about carbon based chemistry. Ashley says when she thinks of carbon, she thinks of beds. (???) Ian tells her that carbon is everywhere - in our bodies, in graphite, etc. Ashley asks, "So are we made of graphite?" Yes Ashley, we are all graphite. When you write with a pencil, you are really WRITING WITH PEOPLE!!!
I fell asleep pretty early last night, but when I woke up at the butt crack of dawn I saw that JoJo had climbed into bed with Willie to talk a little game. She wants Kara to stay, but for some reason Willie is now eeking back over to keeping Frank. *throws hands up in the air* Willie! He wants Kara to go this week, Ian to go next week, and then Frank after that. After watching the CBS show last night, it's clear to me that Frank is going to target Willie. Willie went back on his word to Frank and why he can't realize that now is a mystery to me. Keeping Frank could be the worst move he makes in this game. I fully expect more flip flopping all the way up until the 11th hour on Thursday.
So, who do you think will end up going home on Thursday? Will JoJo drive Danielle into a homicidal rage? Does Shane understand how Big Brother works? Have you been writing with people all of your lives? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
Posted by Colette Lala at 10:07 AM