Saturday, July 21, 2012
A Devil On The Run
In On Grief and Grieving, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross theorizes that there are five stages of emotions a person goes through when experiencing loss. The first stage is Denial and goes something like this: Willie will be back. He's fine! Everybody is such a liar. He's probably just having a private Bible Study in the Diary Room. Then we move on to the second stage, Anger - Goddamn CBS m*therf*ckers! Don't EVER talk to me again! I hate you and I wish you were never born! Bargaining is the third stage - Maybe if we protest, maybe if we boycott... The fourth stage is Depression... Leave me alone. I don't have to get out of bed if I don't want to. The laundry can wait. I have a bundt cake to eat. Finally, we come to Acceptance - I accept that Allison Grodner can't make a goddamn TV show to save her life. I accept that her dumb ass twists are ruining Big Brother. I accept that my summer has officially been ruined. I accept that eating a bundt cake in the bed was a bad idea. Basically, I've gone through all five stages in about six hours. I didn't really eat a bundt cake but I did inhale an entire package of Twizzlers while chugging a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon with ground up sleeping pills floating in the glass while simultaneously yelling at my friends on Twitter. Now I'm just tired and cranky and wondering where the hell all my Twizzlers went. Let's recap, shall we?
The day began with a fart. A big old stinky Frank fart. A squishy wet "someone's gotta change their shorts" fart. And then it was all downhill from there. The house is in a tizzy over dear sweet fairy sprite Willie and all anyone can talk about is that new Coach Power that allows a Coach to trade one of their players for another player.
Britney is especially bunged up about everything as she advises Shane and JoJo to keep their distance from Willie. Shane agrees wholeheartedly and blames his upcoming shitty week in the house on fluffy puppy Willie. Since whining is contagious (thank you very much Britney), Shane whines, "We're in this situation because of him!" JoJo nods her head emphatically and agrees. The bitch actually agrees. Last night she was a loyal solider in our fight against the Coach Tyranny and today she's turning state's evidence and wearing a wire. You know how people say chivalry is dead? Well I think loyalty is dead. You can't trust anyone anymore and it's depressing.
Britney then turns to JoJo and tells her to keep her mouth shut this week (I wonder where she learned that from - Saint Willie!). "Do not say anything to anyone on Janelle's team." Then, for the two thousandth time, Britney has another pity party for herself over the how the other Coaches are essentially telling her to throw up her white flag this week.
Up in the HOH room where all of the most hideous smells of the universe are trapped, Boogie is telling Frank that even though they have Ian on their side 100%, it's tempting to trade him for Shane if he wins the Coaches' Challenge. Boogie isn't all that confident in Ian pulling through for them in a future crucial competition. Wil then enters and Boogie mentions the possibility of Britney trading Willie for Wil. Wil leans over to tie his mukluks and says it doesn't matter whose team he's on, he won't change his allegiance. He just doesn't want to be with JoJo because he hates her.
Britney enters and asks to speak to only Frank and Boogie. I swear, any room that Jenn is in, she's guaranteed to get kicked out of. So Britney wants to know what the dilly-o is and Frank says he needs to wait and see who wins the Coaches' Competition. Boogie, however, is chock full of ideas and does all of the speaking for that loser Frank. Boogie throws scenario after scenario at Britney wondering what she'd do, who she'd trade Willie for, who her team would nominate down the road, etc. Britney, on the other hand, is basically looking for someone to tell her that it's OK to trade Willie. She needs the boys in the HOH to be behind her idea of trading Willie for Danielle and getting Dan out of the game. Frank tells Britney that that's the only scenario he'll look down upon favorably. If Britney trades Willie to any other team, he'll nominate two of her players. No questions asked. That sounds threatening Frank. That sounds like bullying. (Note: I hate it when people bring up bullying. It's the word/cause du jour and I'm sick of it. Frank is a tool for turning his nomination speech into an anti-bullying PSA.)
Britney then goes on and on about how, to no avail, she tried to control Willie. No offense Britney, but this isn't your game. It's their game. You shouldn't be trying to control anyone. You shouldn't even be there. The beauty of Willie was that you couldn't control him. Do you really think we want to sit here and watch you idiots play puppet masters? Oh yeah, stifled personalities... that's fun! She then goes on a rant about how her game is over, her only options are which route to take to losing, and how it's all Willie's fault. Oh Britney... silly horrible Britney. Who was it that told Willie about the Coaches entering the game? Who was it that told Willie people were calling him homophobic?
Boogie then asks Britney what she thinks about his new theory that the evicted HG's are in sequester and, eventually, a Coach in the house will be able to choose one to come back. Britney thinks the chances are very high. She wonders if she trades Willie for Danielle and they evict Willie and Dan, would Dan come back if Willie does? Boogie strokes his chin and replies, "That's a great question, but I don't think so." Britney also wonders what would happen if someone came back and joins a team of 3, could that team then have a team of 4 (which is more than they had to begin with)? Boogie thinks it's a possibility.
Here is where it gets interesting and gross... Britney tries to tell Frank how loyal JoJo and Shane are. They were so loyal to Willie that they stayed with him even though his ship was sinking. Boogie likes hearing this because, in his mind, actions speak louder than words. He likes the loyalty potential lying within Shane. Frank, who has been reclining on the bed trying to keep his odors contained, finally pipes up and says that the reason he told Wil about Willie being homophobic was so he could get Ashley's vote. At first I didn't think anyone in the room caught it - Frank said it so fast and said it at such an odd moment in the conversation - but then Britney gets awkwardly quiet and you know the wheels are turning. I'm all for inventing lies to mess with someone else's game, but Frank was being outright malicious. The guy isn't clever enough to invent an alliance rumor or a phony conversation. He goes right to something personal that not only messes with someone's reputation, but hurt an innocent person's feelings. Frank is the worst kind of person because he does these things with an air of ease. With a shoulder shrugging, "So what?"
The conversation quickly turns back to whether or not to trade Willie. Britney says that trading him to Dan might actually be good for Willie. If anyone can rehabilitate Willie, Dan can. Boogie agrees saying that Dan takes gang members and turns them into football players for a living. His job is literally changing who people are. Then, it dawns on Boogie. "I never thought of it that way. That could be a problem." Grrrreat Britney. Just great. Is it your mission in life to ruin everything?
Next it's Shane's turn in the HOH and if you watched this then you know what I'm about to say - SHUT UP SHANE! Boogie is seriously considering trading for Shane and is trying to tell him what the plan could be, but Shane keeps interjecting and interrupting with "Willie did it!", "It's all Willie's fault!", "I just couldn't get through to Willie!" I think Shane thought that blaming everything on Willie would get him sympathy, but it's only making it harder for Boogie to get a word in edgewise. I do have to admire Boogie's patience though. I would have told Shane to shut up and stick a cork in it.
While watching Boogie workshop the "trade for Shane" idea, we get a few glimpses of stink bomb Frank and you can tell that he is not happy. First off, Boogie is totally running his HOH. Secondly, I don't think Frank wants Shane to join them. I think he wants to be the only strong guy on his team. Boogie, however, loves the idea of having two "sick athletes" on his team.
At one point Boogie asks Shane if he'd be up for making a one week deal that keeps Frank and the rest of Boogie's team safe next week. If Shane keeps Boogie's team safe, Frank will nominate Shane immediately so he can play for POV. I don't know if Shane heard the word "deal" and then did a verbal diarrhea thing or what, but he blurts out, "I'll do it for 2 weeks!" And that's how Shane actually gave Frank permission to nominate him as well as agreeing to keep him safe for 2 weeks. He's either a giant idiot or Boogie is some kind of a wizard. I vote idiot.
Meanwhile, Britney and Willie are downstairs hatching a plan. Britney is telling Willie everything that Boogie said in the HOH and overly emphasizing how smart Boogie is. She doesn't think Willie will be nominated outright. He might be backdoored. Willie is happy to hear this and plans to win POV so he can take Shane off the block and safe them both. Ahhh loyalty! Britney reminds him that he needs to have his name picked in order to play or someone needs to pick him as their Houseguest's choice.
Britney then asks Willie who he thinks she should trade him for. I'm completely confused here because they were just talking about saving the team. Anyhow, Willie says Ian and a light bulb goes off in my head. If Britney wins, she should trade Willie for someone on Boogie's team! Boogie is all about keeping his team safe and intact. And wouldn't that be amazing if Frank was told not to nominate Willie? Sure, Frank would go after Britney's team, but who cares? Frank would be stymied and that's all that matters.
After Britney finishes talking to Willie, Wil yanks her into the Have Not room for a discussion. He tells her that he doesn't want her to trade Willie for him and that if she does trade for him, he's not above throwing HOH's or POV's to make her team lose. He doesn't like JoJo and Willie and will not, under any circumstances, do anything to side with them. At the end of the conversation he tells Britney that he knows it wasn't fair to bully her like that... oopsie! He catches himself using the word "bully" to describe his own actions and says, "Well, not bully." Oh shut up Wil. You're a hypocrite just like Frank. Look, I don't care that you strong arm people into doing your bidding (in fact I enjoy it), but don't act all chaste and innocent while calling Willie a bully (when he never was!) when you're ten times worse than he is. You hear me Vicki Gunvalson?
The rest of the morning and well into the afternoon was spent with more conversations about possible trades and nominations. I got sick of watching them after a while because I knew the second the Coaches Competition was over, the conversations would start all over... again!
So the feeds finally go down and, if the Cab Sav hasn't wiped my memory completely clean, I believe it was a pretty long competition. When the feeds return, we discover that Willie, JoJo, Shane and Ian are Have-Nots. Apparently, Ian volunteered because he loves the Have-Not room. Some people find this part of Ian charming. I do not. I still don't like this kid. It also sounds like Janelle won the Coaches Competition and that Dan may have thrown it again.
Something else happened though. Something... not right. Willie is angry. He is really angry and I'm getting the impression that something took place during that competition. To me, it looks like he's pissed off at much more than being a Have-Not. Like, the HG's did something to him or laughed at him or ganged up on him. I'm not sure.
So the General is pissed off and he is pacing around the house. JoJo looks on with wide eyes because she knows, she just knows, that something is about to go down.
Then it happened. In a whirl. Our little fig newton was not only chasing tornadoes, he was a tornado. A silent seething tornado. First he marched through the house with an eerie expression of peace and calm on his face. His body told a slightly different story though. It had purpose. It was driven. It took Willie right upstairs to the HOH room where he bursts in and announces to the assholes inside that he's going to get evicted before he gets evicted. He leaves as quickly as he entered and the HG's start laughing at him. Joe thinks Willie's cryptic message means he wants to fight.
Willie returns downstairs where Shane is now trying to calm him down. Shane tells him to chill, but Willie says it's too late. He's already gone up to the HOH and told them. Then, the feeds go down.
And they stay down.
And they stay down.
There must be so much blood to mop up because they stay down some more.
And some more.
About 4 hours later they return. My eyes flit from camera to camera. Where is he? Where's Willie?! Someone somewhere in the house says that Wilie is gone, but everyone in that house is a fuckwit so of course I don't believe them. I go room to room searching for the General. In the distance, I can hear Shane and JoJo talking about being nominated. WHO CARES? WHERE. IS. WILLIE.
I slowly sit back into the couch cushions and stare at the screen of my laptop. With vacant eyes, it washes over me. The realization that Willie is gone. Gone.
The Revolution is over and when a Revolution ends you pour an entire bottle of wine down your throat and dread the months to come because deep down you know that you got greedy. You had it great for nine days. Nine amazing days. But that's it! That's all you get. The universe giveth and the universe taketh away.
The story that we can piece together is that Willie did not quit. In fact, he went out in what Jon Bon Jovi calls a "blaze of glory." Our Willie, our six gun lover, our candle in the wind, most likely threw some kind of pork product at Janelle's head while calling her a cunt and then he may have head butted Joe a few times. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with any of that. What's the big freaking deal?! So Joe got a few of his face pubes disheveled. So. What.
And that's where we are. I stopped watching the feeds after that. There was no point really. If you think I want to watch Frank and Joe gloat, you're nuts. I need some mourning time. I'll have much more to say tonight on the Big Brother Gossip Show where I'm going to try to not throw a tantrum, but I can't make any promises.
Until then, Willie I thank you. You were an amazing Houseguest and you gave me a wealth of material to work with. All I ever want out of Big Brother is to be entertained and to not be bored. I was never bored with you in the house. Good luck, godspeed, and thank you for throwing pork at Janelle. You will be missed.
So, what do you guys think? Are you sad to see Willy go? Can of the dumb asses left entertain us? Who do we root for now? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!