Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Loose Lips Sink Ships
Let us take a trip back to the 1940's. Back to the pompadour and the snood, shoulder pads and zoot suits. Big bands and swing. Hemingway, Sartre, Camus... Orwell. The microwave oven, the jet airplane, commercial television, and the Slinky. It was a time of change and a time of heartache. There's a World War going on and the United States is in a constant state of paranoia. Desirable items are rationed while Rosie The Riveter is on her way to becoming a cultural icon. "Propaganda" is a dirty word and "gossip" is even dirtier. Throughout all of this, one phrase, one teeny tiny phrase - an idiom, a saying, an expression - served as a warning that holds true to this very day. Loose lips sink ships. Gums flapping in vain. Verbal diarrhea tumbling out. And, let's face it, when you have diarrhea on your shoes all you have is a big stinky mess. Ugh. Good job Britney. Let's recap, shall we?
Let's be honest here - the past 24 hours in the Big Brother house has been a giant clusterfuck. We all thought it was just another day of wearing flip flops and playing flippedy flop, but ohhhhh no. Oh no! In the wee hours of the morn a pair of very loose lips went to crazy town and now we've got Kate and Leo sinking to the bottom of the ocean. Bear with me because this is going to be either very long or very confusing. And please, feel free to correct, amend, or add on in the comments. Like that creepy lady said in Poltergeist, "All are welcome. All are welcome."
We begin in the HOH with Wilie and Britney. Willie is adamant that Kara is the best person to go home next week. He's worried about her winning HOH and putting up people that are in The Golden Apples. Britney isn't so sure. She asks Willie if he's worried about how difficult it's going to be to get Frank out later. Willie isn't worried at all. He's more scared of Kara. Kara! Quiet, lame, shy Kara. Kara, who's too scared to talk to anyone on her own. Kara, who needs permission to move from one room to another. This is who Willie is scared of.
Britney then relays a conversation she had earlier with Janelle. Janelle says that Wil is her number one team member with Britney replying that Willie was hers. Willie hears this and isn't happy. Hasn't he told everyone to stop talking about him? To keep all of his secrets? To never mention his name until he says it's ok? Willie reprimands her and says, "I wish you wouldn't a' said that. You shoulda said Shane was yer number one."
Britney shrugs her shoulders and continues. She doesn't think JoJo will make it far in this game because she's getting on everyone's nerves. She even gets on Britney's nerves! Willie brushes off the JoJo comment (they're a team now) and says that he thinks Ashley could win the whole game. He also thinks she's a good secret keeper because she never talks game with anyone. Then he flips back to his anti-Kara speech. "The people who want Kara out this week don't make no sense!" It sounds like his grand master flash plan is to get rid of Kara this week and then Danielle next week which would send Dan out of the game. Britney who wasn't all that on board for the "evict Kara plan" about two seconds ago, now approves of the plan and wants to use it to convince Boogie not to go after one of Janelle's people. She then begins to worry about the Coaches' Competition. What if Dan wins? What if Boogie wins? What if Janelle wins? One thing is for sure, Britney doesn't think she'll win. Way to be confident Brit! Her insecurities and wishy-washiness are a dream come true for Willie. He couldn't have asked for a better Coach.
Downstairs Janelle (wait, Janelle?) is busy making a birthday cake for Boogie. Janelle, the person who talks shit about Boogie nonstop is delicately placing red hots on a cake in the shape of a 'B'. I told you she wants to sleep with him!
After the cake is done, Janelle and Britney begin talking about this week's eviction. Janelle doesn't even care who goes home anymore. She says there's no working with Boogie in this game. He said earlier that if he were in the BB13 house, there's no way he would have worked with the vets. Janelle takes this as a sign that there's no way he'd work with the girls in an effort to get rid of Dan. Looking back on day one, Britney and Janelle now think Dan was smart in making the picks he did. He purposely picked quiet, weak, "float under the radar" girls who can play a game similar to his own back in BB10.
Janelle sighs and says it's such a waste to get rid of Kara this week. Britney then begins a new habit she has picked up. I call it "Williegurgitation". It's when Britney absorbs everything Willie says and then goes around and uses it as the basis for every future decision/explanation she makes in the house. Watch how it works - "I think Kara and Ashley could win this whole game," she says. Keep in mind, she's only saying Kara because Wilie is so scared of her. AND she's only saying Ashley because Willie TOLD HER Ashley could win the entire game. For all intents and purposes, Britney is Willie's conjoined twin. They're attached at the brain. Willie thinks something and then Britney says it. It's like in Stuck On You when Greg Kinnear could drink all the alcohol, but Matt Damon would get the hangover because he had most of the liver. In this case, Willie has most of the brain.
Britney is insistent that if they get rid of Kara this week, everyone will go after Danielle next week. Janelle purses her lips and says, "I still think it's a bad move to get rid of a shy little girl." Again, Britney insists that Frank isn't working with anyone. Janelle replies that Frank has Ian, Jenn, and Boogie. Plus, he's trying to work Shane. Britney stares blankly as this information doesn't quite compute. Janelle begins to wonder out loud how they should knock out Dan next week. Should they throw the Coaches' Competition to Boogie? After some thought and listening to Britney's Williegurgitaion, Janelle, strangely enough, seems to finally be on board. She replies, "[Dan] needs to go." and tells Britney that they'll get rid of Kara. Britney chews her lip and responds, "I don't know." I don't know? I don't know! After all of that you're going to say, "I don't know?!" *smacks self in head*
This I don't knowitis is as contagious as Williegurgitation because now, two seconds later, Janelle wonders again about evicting Kara. One the one hand, Frank is a threat in the game. On the other hand, Dan is a threat to them if they reenter the game. Remember this because you'll need it later: Janelle and Britney are convinced that they will be reentering the game.
Some time passes and we find Willie and Frank in the HOH room. Willie is doing the Willie song and dance of telling Frank that he hasn't been playing this game for hisself, he's been playing in order to keep Frank safe. Willie can't even imagine how stressful it's been for Frank this week, but he believes that whatever person he wants to keep safe this week is the person that will end up staying. "I'm not bein' arrogant. I'm just bein' honest." And here's where we encounter what I like to call HYMBOE. HYMBOE stands for "Hush Yer Mouth, Baby, Or Else." It's a talent that Willie has for threatening people to keep their mouths shut, but he does it in such a way that whomever he's talking to doesn't realize they're being threatened. It's pretty awesome. It's like a Tony Robbins Shallow Hal trick. I have NO idea how he pulls it off!
So here's how HYMBOE works: Willie tells Frank that he'll keep him safe, but if Frank says a word about anything Willie has told him - to anyone - the deal is off and Willie will have Frank evicted. To your regular average non-hypnotized person, this is basically a threat to do what Willie says. But to Frank, staring into Willie's pinwheel eyes, it's an assurance that Willie is on his side and will keep him safe. And Willie doesn't stop there, folks. He next tells Frank that if he goes against him, he'll ruin Frank's game. Franks nods dumbly in response and says he wants Danielle out next. Willie says, "Yes Frank, yes. Now tell Dr. Willie why you want Danielle out." Franks replies in a robot voice, "To get out Dan. To make Willie happy." Willie sits back satisfied, "I hep you and you hep me." ('Help' is 'hep' in WillieSpeak - I wouldn't be surprised if we're all talking like Willie by the time September rolls around.)
Frank then asks Willie how much he thinks he can trust Janelle's team. Frank says he has heard that Janelle's team wants to get rid of Shane (this doesn't sound right to me - can anyone confirm?). Willie shoos away Frank's questions and says that if Frank wins HOH next week, they can talk about all that stuff, but for now "Hush Yer Mouth, Baby, Or Else!"
In the Lounge, we find Wil, Janelle, and Joe having a meeting of the minds. Janelle tells her peeps that if Willie isn't enough of a man to take out Frank this week, then they'll do it next week. *bites fist* Janelle is now completely convinced that Willie is suspicious and untrusting of Janelle, Britney, and all women everywhere working together. At some point, Janelle's team had heard Frank telling people to stick together against Britney and Janelle. Joe chimes in saying that he heard Frank talking to Shane about joining a boys alliance. The wheels in Janelle's head start to creak as she slowly begins to realize that Willie is in a Man's Alliance. Men, as in no women. *gasp* That's Janelle's worst nightmare! She's all about girl power.
Janelle is officially scared of Willie now. "He's so controlling," she says. Yet, in the midst of this revelation, in the middle of this Oprah aha moment, Janelle concludes that they'll still all vote together with Britney's team to evict Frank. What the... ?!
Wil mentions how Willie is always so paranoid about everyone sticking together and no one going behind his back (apparently, Wil is immune to HYMBOE). The sky parts and it's all beginning to make sense to everyone now. Joe asks what they should do if Willie, at the last minute, decides to vote out Frank. Wil says they should do whatever Willie does so as not to arouse his suspicion. Joe isn't satisfied with that. He's worried what will happen if Willie ends up changing his mind and voting out Frank. Janelle is confused and doesn't understand the point Joe is trying to make. Joe wonders if Willie thinks they all have an alliance with Kara. Wil says, "That's bullshit. I'm playing her and she's playing me." Joe decides then and there that he'll go talk to Willie later and pick his brain.
Ashley then joins them in the Lounge and the conversation is more of the same... circles and circles. Ashley wants to know where JoJo's head is at. Janelle replies that JoJo is all over the place while Wil declares that she's dangerous. Janelle and Ashley then agree that JoJo is way too mean when it comes to Danielle. They don't like the way JoJo is always talking shit about her. Are you kidding me? I love it! That's JoJo's one redeeming quality!
So now we move upstairs to Joe and Willie in the HOH room. Joe asks Willie straight up why he would keep Frank over Kara. Willie's says to take out Dan's team and increase their chances of being saved during Coaches' Competitions. Willie says reason #2 is because Kara could stay in the game and hurt them with votes. He says Frank would go after Danielle while Kara would go after Ian. Plus, Kara is listening to her Coach while Frank is ready to jump off of Boogie's ship.
Willie then reaches up and flips his pinwheel switch. He leans in towards Joe and says, "You A OK with me man. I got yer back." He tells Joe that if anyone ever mentions going after him, he'd take that information straight to Joe. The pinwheels don't seem to be working on Joe as he asks, "What makes you so sure Frank isn't playing you?" Joe finds it hard to believe that someone would break away from their Coach this early in this game. Willie disagrees and says it can easily happen.
Joe asks Willie if he minds if Joe goes and has an in depth conversation with Frank so he can feel him out for himself. Willie says OK but he doesn't want Joe making Frank nervous or anything. And just in case Joe is thinking of doing something hinky, Willie lays down a threat, "If you get Kara out, you may go home soon. If Frank stays, you could last long in this house." It's not exactly a HYMBOE, but it's a threat, baby, and I'm not sure it's really sinking in with Joe. Joe's main concern is that Boogie isn't running all of this and Frank is playing them. The last thing he wants to see is Frank and Boogie in the DR flexing their muscles over how they duped everyone. Willie replies, "If [Frank is] lyin', I'm dyin'."
Britney then joins the conversation and she's completely under Willie's spell. She tells Joe if they keep Kara, she'll come after them. She then says that Frank talks too much and that Kara is playing a better game because she doesn't talk as much. *stares blankly* Britney, you're nuts. You're a pistachio. You're a walnut. You're a freaking acorn. She says that since Dan didn't talk a lot and he won his season, Kara will now win this season because she's also not talking a lot. Tell me that's not insanity on a platter.
This brings us to BBAD where we catch Boogie and Willie talking. Boogie is very complimentary of Willie for realizing that keeping strong players in the game (like Frank) is the key to winning. He also sees how popular Willie is in the house. It took Boogie months to figure out that little nugget way back when in the olden timey days. Willie tells Boogie that he's worried that Boogie is working with Dan. Boogie shakes his head and tells Willie he'd rather work with another player than another Coach. That's good enough for Willie! Time to roll out HYMBOE. Willie then pitches a deal with Boogie. Willie is willing to work with Boogie, but only if he keeps it a secret and doesn't tell anyone. Willie tells Boogie that they should get out Danielle next and kick Dan out of the game. What's Boogie going to say, no? Not bloody likely!
The cameras cut to Joe getting a little uppity with Frank, "You better not fuck with me. Are you ready to play with us?" Frank is all curly and wide-eyed, "Yeah, yeah." Joe's main concern is that Frank is playing with Boogie and, I'll tell you, I don't like the look Frank gives Joe. It's a one of those hasty furrowed brow shoulder shrugs that someone who is guilty does to convince someone else that they're not guilty. From this one gesture alone, I think Frank is full of it. He's full of it! If he stays in this house, it'll be mayhem I tell you. Mayhem! *whispers "Awesome"* Now, I'm a Willie fan and I'm a Wil and Joe fan. And, believe me, it bothers me to no end that Frank smells bad. But, BUT, I have one Mistress above all else. Her name is Drama and she's faaabulous. Drama twirls with a lit cigarette, a goblet of gin, and her tits hanging out. She knows they're hanging out yet she doesn't care. With bronzed testicles hanging from her earlobes and MAC cat eyes she'll eff your brains out then give you the finger when it's all over. Yes, I bow to Drama and, call me crazy, but Frank staying in this house is gonna make Drama dance. She's the better of two evils and I've got to take her side on this one.
Here's where I make the mistake of going to bed. Luckily, I checked Twitter at about 5:30am and saw the shit storm unfolding. I've been flashbacking and catching up all morning so forgive me if this next part is a little disjointed and out of order. It all leads to same outcome though.
Let's fast forward to the good stuff. So, at some ungodly hour this morning, Britney sees Janelle talking to Dan. Blasphemer! Heathen! Witch! She marches up to the HOH and, just like that, Britney has turned against Janelle. Janelle and Dan were whispering right in front of her! Only Britney is allowed to whisper with Janelle, doesn't Janelle know that?! That's it! Janelle's not loyal. Britney mutters, "This is all because of Kara!" Kara? What the hell did Kara do? It's not Kara, pumpkin, it's Willie. He's made you so freaking paranoid you can't even see straight.
So here's Britney in the HOH saying how a part of her always knew that Janelle wasn't really with her (rrrrright). Willie listens to Britney vent, but all he wants to know is if Janelle will get rid of Danielle next week. Britney doesn't think so. She thinks Janelle is working with Dan now.
Let's switch back to Janelle and Dan... OK so Janelle has told Dan that Kara was going home. Dan appreciates Janelle giving him the information and takes it as a good sign of faith. He will now not seek to go after Janelle's team. While talking in the Lounge, Dan is confident that he can come up with the one vote they need to keep Kara in the game. Janelle wants to know how he plans to do this. Dan says he'll gather up Janelle's team and speak with them. Janelle doesn't like this idea and has no intentions of rocking the boat until this first eviction is over and done with. She says it's too risky to let her team know this week that they'll be going against Britney. She wants Dan to tell them next week and she definitely doesn't want to be a part of it. If she's not a part of it, then why would her team even listen to Dan? Weird.
Again, Dan insists he can get the one vote they need to keep Kara. Janelle isn't at all convinced, but Dan is positive. Positive, positive, positive! Furthermore, Dan can't figure out why Willie is playing the way that he is. He thought Willie would play more like Russell and try to get to the end with girls (Note: This IS Willie's plan - JoJo and Ashley) Janelle agrees and doesn't understand why he's doing all of this work for Frank. She says, "It's so stupid. It doesn't make any sense at all."
If we make our way up to the HOH room, we'll find Britney in the middle of a meltdown. You won't believe what she does next. You won't believe it! She sits down across from Willie and tells him how she and Janelle have always suspected that they'll be entering the game officially around Week 4. Loose lips sink ships. She is convinced that Janelle is doing whatever the hell she is doing with Dan in an effort to ruin Britney's game for when they get to play. If Kara and Danielle stay in the house, that means Dan will get to play in the game too. She explains how Boogie also thinks they'll be entering the game which is why he's been laying low and sleeping for the past 2 weeks.
The color begins to drain from Willie's face and Britney says how she's been bugging the DR to let her see her contract. She was told she wouldn't have to play the game which is why she came back in the first place. She just wants to collect her check (her very handsome check - if you want the details listen to the latest Big Brother Gossip Show) and relax this summer. Now she's pissed off she might have to play (don't entirely believe this - she was fine with it when she was buddy/buddy with Janelle) and she wants to know now if it's definite.
For the most part, Willie is silent. Until, that is, Psycho Willie, comes to play. After sitting in the bed absorbing what Britney has told him, Psycho Willie gets up and confronts her in the bathroom. Psycho Willie demands that Britney tell the entire house in the morning that the Coaches will be playing for $500,000. Britney doesn't want to do that because Big Brother might be listening. Big Brother is listening right now you jackass!
Willie doesn't give a shit what Britney thinks. He insists that she tells everyone in the house (in a house meeting, bitches!) about the Twist. He can't do it because if he does it, it'll put a huge target on his back. Willie is livid now. He says there is no way for him to win against the Coaches. "This twist is gonna kill me." He says he's smarter than everyone in the house, but he can't win if the Coaches start playing.
Britney doesn't say much in response. She just kind of stands there biting her nails wanting Willie to lower his voice so Janelle, who's in the next room, doesn't hear. Willie, however, can't stop moving. He finally tells her. "If you don't tell 'em, I will." Excuse me one sec... *does a double breast dunk into two awaiting bowls of glitter* Oh my god, are you dying right now? What the hell was Britney thinking? Today is going to be AH-mazing. Amazing!
So, what do you guys think? Does Willie have magical powers? Has Britney made a giant mistake? Who do you want staying this week? Are you tinkling over the idea of a Willie-fied House Meeting? Seriously bitches, if you've been waiting to get the Live Feeds, GET THEM NOW. It is going to be insane between now and Thursday. Plus, if you sign up you get a free 3-day trial! There's nothing to lose only gorgeous glittery Drama to gain. I can't wait!