Friday, July 19, 2013
The Reign of Terror has come to a close. We can pack up the guillotine and roll Jeremy's head into the nearest ditch. Fare thee well cocksure dandy with the slicked back hair. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon karate chopped you out of the house (Was that racist? I can't tell anymore.) and in her place now sits an incoherent good ole country boy. With ears pressed firmly against speakers, we'll try to decipher his gibberish and make English out of it. We'll try to take "ahummina hummina" and form it into "My name is J-U-DD and I'll be your HOH this week." We may not always succeed, but we'll do our best. Let's recap, shall we?
So the big oily bohunk Asshat (Jeremy) is out of the house. In his wake, we find a soggy pair of eyebrows and her young Aryan friend. Eyebrows (Kaitlin) and Aryan, dressed like Venetian courtesans waiting for gondola to pick them up, commiserate and speculate on what this coming week means for them. Aryan is sure she will be a target while Eyebrows thinks the house might go after Howard instead. Speaking of Eyebrows, she's not all that broken up about Asshat leaving. In fact, she thinks she has a much better chance of getting farther in this game without him in there pissing everyone off. She thinks Asshat made the game too serious.
Elsewhere, Howard and Candice are busy whispering about what the new twist could be. Candice thinks someone could be voted back in. Hearing this, Howard tells her that they'll just vote whomever it is back out again. Little do they know that the twist is simply a surefire way to get Aryan on the block. Let's face it, after weeks of "this girl is a wicked racist" clips, there is no way she won't end up on the block. Unless of course you try to pull a trick like I did last night and tell everyone to vote Elvira (Elissa) for MVP. I figure the Elvira fans probably aren't all that intelligent and upon seeing the words and "Elissa" and "MVP" they'd start click, click, clicking away. If this whole MVP thing can't be fair, then it needs to go away once and for and all. Looking back over the weeks, doesn't it piss you off that Elvira has essentially handpicked each and every person who has been evicted? It's as if she scrunches up her face, points her finger at someone and says, "You! Hnmm mnmm. I don't like you. Go home. Hnmm mnmm." It's completely ridiculous!
Candice and Howard aren't the only ones speculating about the twist. Amanda and McCrae are also busy coming up with theories. Amanda wonders if maybe the last evicted person gets to pick an MVP since Elvira wins it all the time while McCrae thinks it might be a Coup D'etat. Elvira enters the Lounge Area and Amanda wastes no time pouncing on her. Amanda asks her who she would put up for MVP and Elvira says Aryan, Spencer or Howard. Amanda poo-poo's Aryan and Spencer and is insistent that they backdoor Howard this week. She says Howard has sworn on the Bible and lied, he has thrown competitions and is now using his race to win the game. That last part might tick some people off, but if you'll remember Howard's pre-season interviews, all he talked about was being the first African American to win the game. It is something extremely important to him and, with all the race scandal this season, I'm sure it's even more important than ever before.
Meanwhile, Jessie is busy whispering in J-U-DD's ear, "Eyebrows, Eyebrows, Eyebrows!" She hates that wicked bully Eyebrows and wants to her to go home this week. When making her case to J-U-DD, Jessie points out that they're running out of men in the game. She says they need to get rid of a girl this week. The idea of being stuck in the house with a gaggle of girls doesn't exactly appeal to Mr. J-U-DD. He likes having some boys around to bond with. On the other hand, he worries that putting up two girls will make the other girls in the house mad at him. What to do, what to do!
What to do, indeed! Well, here comes Amanda to tell you what to do. The plan is to backdoor Howard. She wants J-U-DD to put up a combo like Eyebrows and Spencer because then Elvira will nominate Aryan with her MVP (this could still happen if America votes how I think they will). It is too risky to put up VaGina immediately because she's not strong enough to win POV and remove herself from the block. J-U-DD listens to all this and replies "shjfdyudos husoafydoi hdoftjer." I believe that translates to, "I'll think about it. We have time." Well, this doesn't pacify Amanda in the least. She is incredibly worried about dumb ass mistakes being made this week that could keep Howard in the game. Not only does Howard have Candice and Spencer on his side, but he's been targeting Amanda for weeks now. She stresses how it is much more beneficial to the group to get rid of Howard instead of Aryan. Plus, Elvira screwed up the MVP last week by putting up Spencer so what doesn't say she'll screw it up again this week?
Speaking of Elvira, J-U-DD tells her that Amanda is worried she won't work with the alliance when choosing her MVP nominee. Elvira gnaws on a chunk of her hair and whines, "I'm like soooo nervous hnmm mnmm." Elvira is all freaked out that something will be unleashed on the house. J-U-DD tells her not to worry and that she's definitely not going on the block. Again, Elvira replies, "I'm sooo nervous." J-U-DD cocks his head and looks at her, "What are you not telling me?" Elvira stammers and the feeds cut. (A little side note here: I think Elvira knows about this week's twist. Late last night in the wee hours of the morn, many Houseguests made comments about how weird Elvira has been all day and how she always gets called into the DR right before the live show.) When the feeds come back we can hear Elvira say, "I'm excited. This is so much fun. I need to workout. I feel weird. Hnmm mnmm." Dude, don't feel weird. You are weird!
And this is where I fell asleep.
But! I woke up in time to catch a drunk J-U-DD. If you thought he was incoherent sober, then you haven't heard him drunk. Instead of mumbles, words get chewed. They get mashed and stuck in his cheeks. All that comes out is something like "svrmmmmmhu heh." Spencer thinks it's hysterical while Amanda keeps asking, "What? What was that?" J-U-DD walks in and out of rooms for most of the rest of the night. He flergles and klarps. He sheeshes and gorts.
What I'm able to gather from it all is that the plan is to nominate Eyebrows and VaGina. Elvira's target is Aryan. Jessie's target is Eyebrows. Amanda's target is Howard. Andy, Amanda and McCrae think Elvira is a robotic freak and Spencer likes Jessie's ass. What we don't know, because we haven't constructed a primer to decode it yet, is who J-U-DD's target is. We know for sure it's not Spencer. He's J-U-DD's best good friend and wants him to stick around.
So, what do you think of our new HOH? Can you understand a damn thing he says? Who do you think America will nominate? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
Hurry up and get your live feeds! The season passes will be gone on Monday!