Insane In The Membrane

Albert Einstein once said, "Insanity is doing the the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Oh puh-lease, don't flatter yourself Albie. I have the right to express my opinion here on this little blog and my opinion is...hnmm mnmm. You know what? I don't want to talk you. I never even think about you. Science is totally ridiculous anyways. Religion is what is important in my life. Religion and my ministry. Ministering little gumballs of hate to all the ridiculous pathetic people is my true passion. Not that I even think of other people at all. They're so not worth my time and they should really stop flattering themselves. Hnmm mnmm. And I don't appreciate you sitting in your laboratory with your beakers and bunsen burners making fun of my religion. I have the right to put a stop to your hypothesizing and theorizing and jazzercising. You're just a ridiculous liar. I would never associate with someone as disgraceful as you. Hnmm mnmm. I would also never do that to you - make fun of something that's important to you. Science is like so offensive anyways. Don't flatter yourself thinking I sit here giving science a second thought. It means nothing to me. But you can't keep making defamatory remarks about my religion. I'm telling Production right now! Whatever. Let's recap, shall we?

With two feet, let's jump right in and get to the good stuff. Elvira (Elissa) is completely insane and I can't believe her nurses have let her out in public without her thorazine drip. She is a danger not only to herself, but to society as a whole. Hnmm mnmm.

We begin with Andy, J-U-DD, Amanda, McCrae and Elvira sitting outside. Elvira is talking about how she doesn't like that Howard uses his religion to further himself in the game. Her voice gets louder and louder carrying the hnmm mnmm's across the vast expanse of the backyard with reckless abandon. Andy mimes to her that she needs to lower her voice because there are other people nearby - other "friends with Howard" people. McCrae, seeing Andy motioning to Elvira to pipe down and stick a cork in it, begins to giggle to himself.

Oh shit. McCrae laughed. Elvira was talking and McCrae laughed. Hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife!

Elvira then goes ballistic telling Andy that she can't believe he sat there and mocked her religion to her face. Como what? She says that religion and her ministry are very important parts of her life and she doesn't appreciate people belittling her passions. Andy quickly tells her that all he was doing was trying to get her to lower her voice because she was talking loudly about Howard. Elvira purses her duck lips and says, "Whatever. You know I would never make fun of something that was important to you. I don't appreciate you making fun of my religion." She then gets up and walks inside mumbling to herself about how offended she is.

With Elvira safely inside, Andy, J-U-DD, Amanda and McCrae all look at one another quizzically. Andy asks the group, "What the fuck just happened?" Amanda says, "I think she misinterpreted it." Andy explains to them that all he was trying to do was to get Elvira to lower her voice. Andy sighs to himself and says, "I better go fix things." Amanda then motions to McCrae to go with Andy.

The two boys head inside to the bathroom to wait for Elvira to finish her Colace shits (Colace is a laxative often used in mental institutions because medications can make patients constipated).

When Elvira finally emerges from the toilet, Andy says, "Come here when you're done." Elvira snaps, "I don't want to talk to you guys. Like, that was so rude." McCrae then jumps in and tells her that she was getting loud outside and they were trying to discreetly tell her to lower her voice when she was talking about Howard. Elvira barks, "Howard wasn't even there!" Andy replies, "VaGina (GinaMarie) was!" Elvira snorts, "Whatever."

Andy apologizes again and tells her that what happened wasn't about religion at all. And here is where Elvira opened up her skull and released the alien living inside of it, "Don't flatter yourself! I would never put on a show for any of you. Religion is something very important to me." *scratches head* What the hell is this bitch talking about? I mean... what. the. hell.

McCrae again insists they weren't laughing at her but Elvira just keeps rolling her eyes. Andy interrupts them both and says, "Hang on just a sec. I'll explain what happened. Howard is in a secret alliance with VaGina and Eyebrows (Kaitlin) and you were talking about Howard using his religion and they were right there. That's why I was like..." Elvira interrupts him and snaps, "I don't do that! So to laugh about it is like..." Andy interjects, "McCrae was laughing at ME because I was trying to tell you to lower your voice." Andy tries to explain again and again how this psychotic hosebeast was squawking too loud, but she refuses to hear it. Refuses!

Andy tells her, "I would never make fun of your religion. I think you carry your religion amazingly." Whatever that means. Elvira replies, I would never do that to you guys... make fun of something that's important to you." Seriously folks, it's like talking to a brick wall. A psychotic botox-filled brick wall. The conversation ends when Jessie trundles in and tells them they're being loud. Elvira makes a quick escape while Andy and McCrae simply stare at each other and wonder to themselves what the hell just happened.

We then fast forward to a mandatory lockdown where all of the Houseguests have to wait in the HOH room. Amanda, for some reason, takes this as an opportunity to pluck her bikini line. A note to all the women out there: NEVER pluck! It makes more hairs grow. Anyhow, Amanda is sitting in the shower taming her forest when Elvira enters and joins her. She immediately begins to moan about how everything everyone says in the house totally offends her. She reveals that she even asked Production to let her go home the first week. And then, like clockwork, she brings up the religion thing again.

Amanda tries to explain to her what happened, but Elvira doesn't want to hear it. She tells Amanda proudly that she told Andy not to flatter himself and that he means nothing to her. Remember these lines because they're just about all Elvira has in her arsenal. Elvira sighs again and says, "I'm going to tell them I want to go home." Amanda asks, "Andy and McCrae?" Elvira replies, "No, Production. I shouldn't be subjected to defamatory remarks like this." The feeds go to fish and I take the break as my opportunity to pluck out my own eyeballs with a melon baller.

Fortunately (or unfortunately) for me, the feeds return before I'm able to start scooping. They return and I hear that voice saying, "Everything in my life is so good. Hnmm mnmm. I don't need this. This is so stupid." Amanda gently asks her if she is OK with Andy. Elvira says he's so stupid and it's obvious that he's lying to her. And then, once again, she starts with the whole, "I shouldn't have to be made uncomfortable for my religion. I feel weird reading my Bible now." WHAT IS SHE EVEN TALKING ABOUT?! No one said anything about her religion! No one insulted her! No one breathed on her or looked at her wrong... *yanks hair out* 

But she's not done! There's more!

"We're on this show for 3 months. Can't you not hold it together and not make defamatory comments on religion or race? I've never been around a group of deceitful people, just like, lack of etiquette, like social graciousness. I'm going to talk to them (Production) after this. This is like ridiculous. It's the most important thing in my life and it's not funny. Hnmm mnmm. I don't want Andy to apologize. It's rude and it never should have come out of his mouth."

How Amanda didn't attack Elvira viciously with her tweezers, I'll never know. And how Amanda managed to say, "I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt" with a straight face is an even greater mystery. And I hope you didn't think Elvira was actually done, BECAUSE SHE'S NOT!!!

"I think I'm created from a higher power and that's what I believe in. I have never been in such a disgrace. This is disgraceful. I'm building a ministry. They shouldn't flatter themselves. They don't matter anything to my life. It's like totally disrespectful."

I shit you not, the crazy continues for like another 10 hours. After the HOH lockdown is over, Elvira immediately goes to the DR to get one of her microchips replaced.

When Elvira emerges from the DR, she makes a bee line for Eyebrows in the kitchen. The two stand at the sink and Elvira tells her that if she doesn't confront everyone in the house, she'll be going home this week. She says that Aryan is spreading a rumor that Eyebrows is in a secret alliance with Howard and Spencer. Lies. Lies, lies, lies. Aryan didn't say anything. Truth be told, it was J-U-DD. But, if you'll remember, Elvira was just in the DR and Production is doing everything they can to get rid of Aryan this week. So, basically, they fed Elvira a bunch of bullshit, gave her some instructions, and let her loose on the house. She is their puppet. She is a mole. She is in the house to manipulate the game and control the outcome. She is privy to everyone's secrets and she is personally guided on how to navigate through week after week. If this doesn't bother you, you're just as insane as she is.

Anyhow, as Elvira is feeding Eyebrows this line of bullshit, Aryan overhears it all in the bathroom. She immediately goes to Helen and tells her that Elvira has told Eyebrows she's going home. Helen's eyes bug out of her head as she says, "I have no idea what Elvira is up to." I do! She wants Aryan gone and Production is helping her do it! Christ, even Aryan knows what's going on. She tells Helen that Elvira wants her out of the house so bad that she's purposely screwing everything up. If you have the Live Feeds, then you know that Elvira is part of an alliance that is planning on voting out Eyebrows this week. What Elvira just did in the kitchen was betray her alliance in an effort to serve her own selfish desire to get rid of Aryan.

Meanwhile, Eyebrows is freaking out because she thought she was safe all this time. She flits from person to person telling them how Elvira told her she's probably going home unless she confronts the whole house in a house meeting.

And that's just what we get a house meeting. Or what I like to call, diving into the bell jar. With everyone gathered in one of the bedrooms, Helen asks Elvira what's going on. VaGina jumps in and starts cracking up hysterically, "Yo, yo, yo, Imma supposed to like be in a alliance with all youse peoples. ahahahahaha!!!!" J-U-DD shrugs his shoulders and mumbles, "I hummina hummina stay up late at night ahummina hummina." Elvira announces, "You guys are nuts. I'm sick of everyone lying to me. Aryan needs to go."

Cue Aryan walking into the bedroom. There is an incredibly long discussion about whether or not Elvira said Aryan's name at all when talking to Eyebrows in the kitchen. She did, but Elvira insists she didn't. And since Aryan overheard the kitchen conversation, Aryan insists, "I heard you say my name! Eyebrows, you told me she said my name. Tell her what you said." Eyebrows then crawls under the chair and hides. Elvira turns to Aryan smugly, "I don't know why you're attacking me. You always twist my words. This has nothing to do with you!" Aryan replies, "You said my name. It has everything to do with me." Elvira chews her face and says, "Don't flatter yourself! I never even think about you. You know what, I don't want to talk to you anymore."

The demented dance continues and it goes something like this...

Aryan: I'm so sick of you making shit up about me.
Elvira smiles.
Aryan: Why are you doing this to me?
Elvira: Get a life! You're attacking me!
Helen: Aryan is telling the truth.
Aryan: I'm so sick of rumors being made up about me.
VaGina: Nick! I love you Nick! Holla for a dolla!
Elvira: Aryan told people she was safe this week!
Aryan: I never said that!
Elvira: Why are you even talking to me? I never think about you. Stop flattering yourself!
Aryan sighs.
Elvira: It's not all about you! This has nothing to do with you! Hnmm mnmm.
Elvira: I can't be in this house with Aryan!
Eyebrows whimpers.
VaGina: We're all like genuine people here. Ya know.
Elvira: Aryan just attacked me and I refuse to be manipulated like this!
And... scene!

The meeting disperses and only one thing is for sure... Elvira, time for your meds!

In the Storage Room, it is finally dawning on Helen that Elvira is Queen of the Shit Stirring People. She clutches her head and moans, "She's ruining everything!" Andy replies, "She's a loose cannon. She's pushing her own agenda of getting Aryan out and not the alliance's agenda."

Meanwhile, Aryan is shaken to the core with frustration. Aryan may be an ignorant twit who doesn't know much about race relations or tact, but she doesn't deserve Elvira's twisted manipulations. There's a difference between saying something mean out of ignorance and saying something mean out of malice. Aryan is ignorant. Elvira is malicious. Ignorance can be eradicated over time with education and understanding (and, believe me, Aryan will get herself one hell of an education when she leaves the house). Malice is something within you, a part of you. Malice cares not of the consequences. Sociopathic personalities like Elvira will never learn from their mistakes because, to them, they simply don't make mistakes! Let's just say, it takes a pretty awful person to make us sympathize with someone who was formerly the house pariah. But sympathize we did. We looked at Aryan being manipulated unfairly and it angered us.

The madness didn't end there and Elvira continued to assault even likable people like J-U-DD. She told him to his face that he was a crazy ridiculous liar. Clearly, all of this was Elvira desperately trying to get Aryan out of the house this week. Unfortunately for her, I think her plan backfired. Had she not lost it earlier in the day over the stupid religion thing, the house might have been more likely to believe her. She shot herself in the foot though when she called Andy, harmless Jazz Hands Andy, a manipulative liar. Nice try Elvira. You need to reel in the crazy not roll it out.

So, what did you guys think of yesterday's shenanigans? Why did Elvira go batshit crazy over the religion stuff? How much instruction did the DR give her before she attacked Aryan? Will Elvira strike again today? Who do you think is going home this week, Aryan or Eyebrows? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Who's Cooler Than Me?

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Hnmm Mnmm

I   like   thiiiink   that   all   of   you   are   soooo   disgusting. Hnmm mnmm. Whooores   and   sluuuts   annnd... where did I put my granolaaa? Unh. Maybe   laterrr   I'll   do   some   yogaaa, mnmm, or   maybe   I'll... you know, I   don't   appreciate the look you're   giving   me   right   nowww. Hnmm mnmm. I left my family   to come   here. My little boy   is suuuch a treasure. Who   made   these   cookiesss? I'm only going to have   one, hnmm mnmm. *eats a dozen* I like  think   it's   really ruuude   that you left   those   cookiesss on the counter   for me   to eat. Pine cone. You should probably  like   apologize   to   me, mnmm. The   fact that you're   such a nonentity   is   so   ruuude of you. Hnmm mnmm. Will   youuu wrap   my   head in   tin foilll? Uhn. Do it   tiiighterrrr, mnmm, I feel liiiike... ceiling faaan unh... what   are   you   doinnnng? Why   did   you   wraaap   me in   tin foilll? I said   duct taaaape. Hnmm mnmm. If you   sayyy you're   sorrry, I can for... maldehyde. That's   what   they   put   dead  baaabies innn, unh . Or   maybe   you put   some in   your cookiessss. If you're   goinnng to   beeee aggressive with  mee, fabric softener. Hnmm mnmm. Let's recap, unh, shall wweee? Hnmm mnmm.

If any of that made any sense to you, you are far better people than I. You also probably do a lot of drugs. Nevertheless! Nevertheless, we have another fun-filled day in the Big Brother house to tackle. Let's begin bright and early at 7am. This is not by choice, mind you. This is because Helen's prancercizing is keeping me from sleeping! *clomp clomp clomp... swish swish... clomp* Helen's 8pm curfew may bring us some much needed peace in the nighttime, but it also means she's bright-eyed and ready to go at the buttcrack of dawn. After endless clippety-clopping around the house, Helen ponies her way into Elvira's (Elissa) room, "Oh good, you're awake!" "I wasn't... hnmm mnmm. You're soooo louddd."

After another quick 15 jumping jacks, Helen scurries up on Elvira's bed for a whisper sesh. Helen sighs and can't believe that Elvira isn't able to play in the next POV. Elvira replies, "I just need to win HOH, uhn." And, you know what? Something tells me she will. Something in my groins or my guts is telling me that next week will be a grueling Ashtanga Yoga/Reilly Trivia Endurance Competition... "Are you ready, Houseguests? Surya Namaskara to Padangushthasana to Utthita Trikonasana to the Reilly Family Tree where you must identify Rachel's 2nd cousin once removed. Go!" Yeah, I have a feeling that Elvira unable to play in the next POV will be no problem at all for the lass.

Helen suggests to Elvira that maybe they should try to help Howard or Jessie win HOH so they'll get rid of Amanda while Helen and Elvira keep the blood of their hands. Speaking of Amanda, Elvira thinks Amanda is the MVP that nominated her. Now, you and I both know better than that. You and I know that we were the MVP. We also know that after last night's CBS edit, Amanda is most likely the third replacement nominee. It's either that or she's simply a tool in the "Let's make Howard look charming and untouchable so he wins it all" plan. Either way, I'm not happy about it.

Next Helen chasses over to Andy and without any hesitation whatsoever she launches into a lecture about how Amanda and McCrae wanted her to put up Howard last week. Earlier, Helen whispered under the door to J-U-DD and he told her that he was upset at how Amanda and McCrae are pressuring him to put up Howard this week. All along J-U-DD thought Aryan was the target. And, according to Helen, J-U-DD is frustrated and upset at how Amanda and McCrae appear to be running the show. I didn't see the conversation between Helen and J-U-DD myself, but Helen has a knack for exaggeration so take anything she says with a grain of salt.

Helen then tells Andy that she think Amanda will put her up if she wins HOH next week. Andy immediately shakes his head and disagrees. He tells her that that isn't true at all (and he's right). Helen again reiterates how angry J-U-DD is with Amanda. She warns Andy that they need to be extremely careful when dealing with Amanda and McCrae, "We have to be really careful. I trust McCrae, but we have to be really careful."

Elvira then enters the bathroom and tells Helen and Andy that she's been paying attention to who gets called into the Diary Room. She thinks this will reveal who the real MVP is. She also tells them that she doesn't particularly like talking to Howard because he always talks in circles and it bothers her, hnmm mnmm. Before leaving the bathroom, Elvira reiterates that Aryan is still the target this week.

As Elvira leaves, Jessie enters and is just itching to tell Helen and Andy all about McCrae's birthday party last night. Before Jessie can tell them about how rude Elvira was to Amanda, Elvira reenters the bathroom forcing Jessie to just talk about the party in general. Jessie says, "It was super scandalous." Elvira nods and agrees. First off, it wasn't the least bit scandalous. Everyone was involved in it. Everyone was cracking up. Basically, Amanda put on a one piece bathing suit and pretended she was a dominatrix. Spencer and Howard held McCrae captive as Amanda kissed McCrae's torso 24 times. She then spanked McCrae with a plastic spoon 24 times as everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, counted very loudly from 1 to 24. The party was fantastic and everyone was laughing, giggling and having a great time. It was probably the happiest I've ever seen the house. McCrae even announced to everyone that it was his best birthday ever. No one's clothes came off. No sex acts were performed. It was just a group of people having a blast.

The problems came about because Elvira is a heinous bitch who can't stand not being the center of attention. After the spankings were over, someone in the room (I can't remember who, but it wasn't Amanda) suggested that Amanda put whipped cream between her breasts and let McCrae lick it off. Amanda laughs and then we hear it... from just off camera, "If you dooo thaaat, I'm going to vommmiiit. Hnmm mnmm. That's so disgusssting, unh." The entire mood of the room immediately shifted to an awkward silence. Amanda sat in the chair trying not to look hurt and says, "That was rude." But Elvira wasn't done. Oh no siree bob. Elvira then launched into a rant about how gross one piece bathing suits are and why would anyone anywhere in the world ever wear one. Amanda, sitting there IN A ONE PIECE BATHING SUIT, mumbles an excuse about how she left something downstairs and she quickly leaves the HOH room. Once downstairs, she breaks down in tears.

(Bacchanalia)

Jessie's version of the story made the party sound like an Bacchanalian orgy full of hedonism. It wasn't! And, if I recall correctly, Jessie was clapping and singing and chanting along with everyone else. Hearing Jessie's version of the party, Helen shakes her head and says, "I'm so glad I wasn't there. I don't want my husband seeing that. He wouldn't approve." Bitch, shut up.

Jessie then tells Helen that when Amanda was downstairs crying, Aryan, Eyebrows (Kaitlin) and VaGina (GinaMarie) were the ones comforting her and talking shit about Elvira. Jessie says they need to be careful of Amanda now because the other side of the house is clearly trying to recruit her.

Outside, McCrae's birthday party is still a hot topic. With righteous Helen constantly jabbering on and on about how glad she is that she wasn't there because of her curfew, the others have no choice but to agree with her and tsk tsk tsk over Amanda's behavior. Spencer even shakes his head saying that he'd never be involved in something he wouldn't want his family to see. Oh really, Spencer? Is that why you were grinning ear to ear at the party? Is that why you were doing the white man's dance and cheering during the band-aid striptease last week? Is that why you leer creepily at Jessie's ass and make remarks about how you want to eat her tampon? You sure are a paradigm of pious behavior. Your girlfriend and family should be very proud about how you told J-U-DD to finger Jessie so you could smell his fingers. And wasn't it just last night you said, "I'm in a secret alliance with Jessie's nipples." Shut your trap, you hypocrite.

The puritanical bullshit party continues with Helen repeating, "I'm so glad I was in bed. I'm so glad I wasn't there. I'm so glad I went to sleep." Perhaps Jessie began to realize how much Helen was blowing everything out of proportion because she begins to change her tune and say how entertaining Amanda was. She says Amanda is so funny and outgoing that she reminds her of Chelsea Handler. Jessie says that Amanda's fun personality might help her with a career in comedy. Helen shrugs her shoulders while Spencer leered up Jessie's shorts from behind his sunglasses.

Inside, Candice and Elvira are in the Storage Room. Word has gotten back to Elvira that she made Amanda cry last night so she begins to push Candice for information. Candice tells Elvira that she hurt Amanda's feelings last night. She says perhaps the all the alcohol Elvira consumed was to blame. Elvira then says, "I wasn't drunk at all last night. I only had one glass of wine." Ha! Not. Elvira was flicking off the cameras, telling all the producer's to eff themselves and she even started talking about the wives of the crew. She better hope for her sake that she was drunk. Otherwise, she's truly psychotic. Andy then enters the room, "Heyyyy!" Elvira turns to Andy and asks him why Amanda was crying. Andy tells her the same thing Candice did, "Amanda's feelings were hurt."

Candice, now with a serious case of Helen-itis, heads outside to tell her version of the birthday party. She begins by telling Helen that what Amanda did wasn't the least bit scandalous. She says that Amanda was in a leotard and there was nothing distasteful going on at all. Candice continues and tells Helen how Elvira was calling Amanda a whore and saying she was disgusting. So far, Candice is being accurate and I felt a little proud of her for telling the truth. But then, she loses my pride and claims that Amanda ran downstairs crying and was being a total drama queen. She claims that Amanda was "acting". Ugh.

So I've watched the party a few times now and, like I said before, when Amanda got upset she left the room all alone. It was Aryan and Eyebrows who entered the bathroom and found out that Amanda was crying in the toilet. Aryan and Eyebrows consoled Amanda which then turned into all of them bitching about Elvira. Aryan was relieved that finally everyone could see what she's being saying all along about Elvira - Elvira is a mean girl.

The game of Telephone continues on and on with Candice stopping to chat with everyone about Amanda just like Helen did. Let's fast forward a bit to where Amanda is finally awake. She quickly discovers that this Elvira "whore" thing has become an issue. She tells Helen she is completely over it and doesn't want it to be a big deal today. Last night her feelings were hurt, but today she's not going to hold a grudge about it. Helen advises Amanda to talk it out with Elvira. Hearing this, McCrae nods and tells Amanda that they need Elvira's vote for the numbers.

Elvira eventually comes outside and sits on the couch next to Amanda. Amanda tells Elvira straight up that the comments about the whipped cream hurt Amanda's feelings. Amanda said that at the time she interpreted it as an attack on her weight. It also didn't help that Elvira mentioned the Spearmint Rhino (a strip club) when she was trash talking Amanda. Amanda tells Elvira that she's body conscious being bigger than the other girls and that Elvira's comments made her feel like her sexuality was disgusting. She also tells Elvira that alcohol was probably a factor in why things turned sour. Elvira says, "I only had one glass of wine." Amanda says, "We shared the bottle. You kept flicking off the cameras and calling out the producers." Elvira insists she wasn't drunk at all. Then she looks down at the plate on her lap and says, "I have an issue with food. I've never even been to a strip club." What? What does have to do with anything?

And this is where things became very creepy. Elvira shrugs her shoulders and says, "I had nothinnnng to doooo with the strippp showww, unh. I don't understaaaand why I was brought into ittt. Hnmm mnmm." Yo, home skillet, you were brought into it because YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WAS THERE TALKING SHIT!!! Amanda replies, "What do you mean?" Elvira says, "I don't think I said anythinnng offennnsive, mnmm." Amanda brings up the one piece bathing suit crap Elvira was saying and how she interpreted it as an attack on her weight. Amanda says, "You hurt my feelings." Elvira replies, "That offends me." Wait, como what? Baking Powder? This bitch is completely insane!

Realizing she's not going to get anywhere with Elvira, Amanda apologizes to Elvira for offending her. It was horrible and frustrating and I hated watching Amanda stoop to Elvira's level. But, as McCrae warned her earlier, they need Elvira's vote. So, instead of calling out Elvira and making her own up to her remarks, Amanda apologizes and the two hug it out. It was a mind boggling scene that you should Flashback if you haven't seen it. The ability Elvira has to turn herself into a victim is a fearsome thing to behold.

Later that evening, when VaGina approached Elvira for making fun of her for not having a college degree, the same thing happened again. VaGina ended up complimenting Elvira , chit chatting about hair extensions and apologizing to her. It was truly bizarre and horror movie scary.

So, that's that for yesterday. Elvira is completely insane, but she somehow gets away with it and makes people kiss her ass. Today we find out who goes up in her place on the block. While I hope it's not Amanda, the target for this week is still Aryan. Elvira is hellbent on getting Aryan out of the game as soon as possible. Will something happen between now and then to change things up? Probably.

So, what did you think of the birthday party? Were you grossed out watching Amanda apologize to Elvira? Who do you think will be the third replacement nominee? Is Elvira even human? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Ahummina Hummina

The Reign of Terror has come to a close. We can pack up the guillotine and roll Jeremy's head into the nearest ditch. Fare thee well cocksure dandy with the slicked back hair. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon karate chopped you out of the house (Was that racist? I can't tell anymore.) and in her place now sits an incoherent good ole country boy. With ears pressed firmly against speakers, we'll try to decipher his gibberish and make English out of it. We'll try to take "ahummina hummina" and form it into "My name is J-U-DD and I'll be your HOH this week." We may not always succeed, but we'll do our best. Let's recap, shall we?

So the big oily bohunk Asshat (Jeremy) is out of the house. In his wake, we find a soggy pair of eyebrows and her young Aryan friend. Eyebrows (Kaitlin) and Aryan, dressed like Venetian courtesans waiting for gondola to pick them up, commiserate and speculate on what this coming week means for them. Aryan is sure she will be a target while Eyebrows thinks the house might go after Howard instead. Speaking of Eyebrows, she's not all that broken up about Asshat leaving. In fact, she thinks she has a much better chance of getting farther in this game without him in there pissing everyone off. She thinks Asshat made the game too serious.

Elsewhere, Howard and Candice are busy whispering about what the new twist could be. Candice thinks someone could be voted back in. Hearing this, Howard tells her that they'll just vote whomever it is back out again. Little do they know that the twist is simply a surefire way to get Aryan on the block. Let's face it, after weeks of "this girl is a wicked racist" clips, there is no way she won't end up on the block. Unless of course you try to pull a trick like I did last night and tell everyone to vote Elvira (Elissa) for MVP. I figure the Elvira fans probably aren't all that intelligent and upon seeing the words and "Elissa" and "MVP" they'd start click, click, clicking away. If this whole MVP thing can't be fair, then it needs to go away once and for and all. Looking back over the weeks, doesn't it piss you off that Elvira has essentially handpicked each and every person who has been evicted? It's as if she scrunches up her face, points her finger at someone and says, "You! Hnmm mnmm. I don't like you. Go home. Hnmm mnmm." It's completely ridiculous!

Candice and Howard aren't the only ones speculating about the twist. Amanda and McCrae are also busy coming up with theories. Amanda wonders if maybe the last evicted person gets to pick an MVP since Elvira wins it all the time while McCrae thinks it might be a Coup D'etat. Elvira enters the Lounge Area and Amanda wastes no time pouncing on her. Amanda asks her who she would put up for MVP and Elvira says Aryan, Spencer or Howard. Amanda poo-poo's Aryan and Spencer and is insistent that they backdoor Howard this week. She says Howard has sworn on the Bible and lied, he has thrown competitions and is now using his race to win the game. That last part might tick some people off, but if you'll remember Howard's pre-season interviews, all he talked about was being the first African American to win the game. It is something extremely important to him and, with all the race scandal this season, I'm sure it's even more important than ever before.

Meanwhile, Jessie is busy whispering in J-U-DD's ear, "Eyebrows, Eyebrows, Eyebrows!" She hates that wicked bully Eyebrows and wants to her to go home this week. When making her case to J-U-DD, Jessie points out that they're running out of men in the game. She says they need to get rid of a girl this week. The idea of being stuck in the house with a gaggle of girls doesn't exactly appeal to Mr. J-U-DD. He likes having some boys around to bond with. On the other hand, he worries that putting up two girls will make the other girls in the house mad at him. What to do, what to do!

What to do, indeed! Well, here comes Amanda to tell you what to do. The plan is to backdoor Howard. She wants J-U-DD to put up a combo like Eyebrows and Spencer because then Elvira will nominate Aryan with her MVP (this could still happen if America votes how I think they will). It is too risky to put up VaGina immediately because she's not strong enough to win POV and remove herself from the block. J-U-DD listens to all this and replies "shjfdyudos husoafydoi hdoftjer." I believe that translates to, "I'll think about it. We have time." Well, this doesn't pacify Amanda in the least. She is incredibly worried about dumb ass mistakes being made this week that could keep Howard in the game. Not only does Howard have Candice and Spencer on his side, but he's been targeting Amanda for weeks now. She stresses how it is much more beneficial to the group to get rid of Howard instead of Aryan. Plus, Elvira screwed up the MVP last week by putting up Spencer so what doesn't say she'll screw it up again this week?

Speaking of Elvira, J-U-DD tells her that Amanda is worried she won't work with the alliance when choosing her MVP nominee. Elvira gnaws on a chunk of her hair and whines, "I'm like soooo nervous hnmm mnmm." Elvira is all freaked out that something will be unleashed on the house. J-U-DD tells her not to worry and that she's definitely not going on the block. Again, Elvira replies, "I'm sooo nervous." J-U-DD cocks his head and looks at her, "What are you not telling me?" Elvira stammers and the feeds cut. (A little side note here: I think Elvira knows about this week's twist. Late last night in the wee hours of the morn, many Houseguests made comments about how weird Elvira has been all day and how she always gets called into the DR right before the live show.) When the feeds come back we can hear Elvira say, "I'm excited. This is so much fun. I need to workout. I feel weird. Hnmm mnmm." Dude, don't feel weird. You are weird!

And this is where I fell asleep.

But! I woke up in time to catch a drunk J-U-DD. If you thought he was incoherent sober, then you haven't heard him drunk. Instead of mumbles, words get chewed. They get mashed and stuck in his cheeks. All that comes out is something like "svrmmmmmhu heh." Spencer thinks it's hysterical while Amanda keeps asking, "What? What was that?" J-U-DD walks in and out of rooms for most of the rest of the night. He flergles and klarps. He sheeshes and gorts.

What I'm able to gather from it all is that the plan is to nominate Eyebrows and VaGina. Elvira's target is Aryan. Jessie's target is Eyebrows. Amanda's target is Howard. Andy, Amanda and McCrae think Elvira is a robotic freak and Spencer likes Jessie's ass. What we don't know, because we haven't constructed a primer to decode it yet, is who J-U-DD's target is. We know for sure it's not Spencer. He's J-U-DD's best good friend and wants him to stick around.

So, what do you think of our new HOH? Can you understand a damn thing he says? Who do you think America will nominate? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Hurry up and get your live feeds! The season passes will be gone on Monday!

Star-Crossed Gropers

The timeless tale of tragic love. Lovers meet under unusual circumstances only to be torn apart by a motormouth prancersizer. Their time running out like sands through the hourglass brings them all the more close together. Legs intertwined, ringworm spreading, kisses stolen poolside, that familiar burn when you pee... ah, romance! And as with all great romantic stories, our hero must either die like Jack did in Titanic or be sent home in shame with only a rash to remind him of all he has lost. Let's recap, shall we?

We'll begin our day with the POV Ceremony. POV winner, Eyebrows (Kaitlin), has decided to use the POV on herself which, unfortunately, means her bohunk boyfriend Asshat (Jeremy) is now on the block. This was HOH Helen's diabolical plan this whole time - to backdoor Asshat. After the ceremony we find the two lovers in a warm embrace. Eyebrows has plastered blood red kisses on his face - See that Jessie? He's hers, not yours! - as the two coo and sigh. Asshat tells her that this is the end of his Big Brother season... THIS season. Eyebrows gazes up at Asshat and says, "You'll try out again next season!" Asshat shakes his head, "If they want me, they'll call me and ask me." 

Here's the thing, Asshat is a douche canoe. We all know this, BUT I am not ready for him to leave yet. He is a large arrogant personality who can be trusted to bicker with someone at least once a day and I would hate to lose that so early in the game. If I had it my way, I'd like Spencer to go this week. Yes, that means Aryan can stick around to. You know how I love myself some drama. I can't have all the shit stirring people going home before Jury!

Downstairs in the Storage Room we find Elvira (Elissa) and Amanda having a quick meeting. Amanda says it is annoying how Helen keeps offering protection to people. She made a deal with Eyebrows and now that she's removed herself from the block, the others aren't allowed to go after her next week. Elvira nods and agrees, "We can't keep promising everyone protection." Amanda tells Elvira that Helen is making Elvira do her bidding. Elvira insists that Helen isn't. She has no intention of continuing to be the middle man as the game goes on. 

Up in the HOH we find VaGina (GinaMarie) and Candice. Take a wild guess what they're talking about. Yup, Nick! Again! Candice is trying to explain to VaGina how The Moving Company fell apart. VaGina listens and shakes her head to herself. Lately, she's been getting the impression from Aryan that she either never liked Nick or has something to tell her about Nick. Uh yeah. Aryan really wants to tell you how you're being completely psychotic about a guy who never liked you. VaGina then starts quoting Roxette... it must have been love, but it's over now. 

Out in the backyard, Asshat and Amanda are talking about the whole racism fight the other night. Asshat firmly believes that it was all blown out of proportion. Amanda says that she was really snippy that day and was getting sick and tired of people picking on Jessie. She says that she wasn't even the first person to bring up the racism stuff (she's referring to the DR). Asshat shrugs his shoulders, "Who knows how people are being portrayed?" Amanda replies, "I know." Asshat laughs at her assuredness. Amanda says they ask her about the racism stuff all the time in the DR. Big Brother then comes on the loud speaker, "Amanda, you are not allowed to talk about your Diary Room sessions." Andy then interrupts and says that Amanda is really bad about talking about production. She asks, "Am I?" Andy says yes and that he is too. He says he's waiting for the day when they both get penalty nominations. 

A little later on we find Asshat in the pool. Candice is lying nearby with Amanda and Aryan reclining on the opposite end. The discussion turns to the votes for Bouffant (David). Asshat insists that he voted for Bouffant to stay (he did), but Candice doesn't believe him. Asshat again says he voted for Bouffant and Candice will be embarrassed when she finally sees the tapes. He'll be waiting for her phone call where she apologizes to him. He then accuses Candice of calling out Amanda and McCrae (I have no idea where this came from). Candice leaps up off the side of the pool and straight into the water. She screams at Asshat, "Don't you lie on me! Don't you lie on me!" She then swims over to Aryan and says that it was Nick she was calling out, not Amanda.

Candice finally steps out of the pool and lies back down in her spot. Asshat can't let the outburst go though. He is the one of those last word people... he always has to have it. Splashing in the water, Asshat begins to chuckle to himself. It's incredibly condescending and you just kind of want to hold his under the water until he's a bloated corpse. Asshat continues to laugh and says he can't believe how upset Candice got. Candice then the one thing she doesn't like is when people call her a liar. Asshat snaps, "You're just mad cuz you got called out." Candice shoots up again, "CALLED OUT ON WHAT?!" Asshat continues to laugh at her. Candice tells him she is a loyal person and that no one was loyal to Asshat which is why he's going home. Asshat replies, "I'm going home because I'm a champ and you'll be going home next because you can't control your emotions." The scene ends with Asshat singing 'Cry Me A River'.

The camera switches to Aryan and Jessie, but we've missed the beginning of the conversation. All I'm able to catch is that they're talking about Eyebrows. Jessie is 100% sure if Eyebrows win the next HOH, she's going up on the block. 

The lazy afternoon continues which brings on the rumblings of a Nail Party. *sigh* Helen wants to have a Nail Party up in the HOH with all the girls. Nothing sounds like a more miserable idea than a party thrown by Helen. It wouldn't be a party, it would be a team building exercise with a Power Point presentation. Amanda, too, wants no part of the party. She's on slop and really doesn't want to watch a bunch of girls much on goodies. Personally, I skipped the party and got all caught up on The Killing. But this morning catching up on BBAD, I see that Asshat crashed the party.

Apparently, Asshat invited himself to the party and people were annoyed. By people, I mean Jessie. She hates breathing the same air Asshat does and she just wants to be left alone by him and his skanky girlfriend. Andy was also at the party because, well, he's Andy! He's everywhere. The discussion turned to first kisses and Jessie said that her first kiss was in a boy's bathroom. Andy shouted, "Ho!" and Eyebrows started laughing really loud. Well, this infuriates Jessie. She storms out of the nail party and outside where Amanda and McCrae are lying on the hammock withering away from hunger. 

Jessie puts her hands on her hips and tells them she is so sick of Eyebrows being mean to her. I don't know if Eyebrows' laugh was full of shrapnel or what, but Jessie is super pissed off about it. She jumps from person to person telling them that Eyebrows laughed SO hard. Mind you, she's not mad at Andy for calling her a ho, she's mad at Eyebrows for bumping uglies with Asshat. Word eventually gets back to Eyebrows who thinks this is all so ridiculous. Andy suggests that Eyebrows apologize to Jessie. Instead Eyebrows bitches and moans to Asshat about how ridiculous Jessie is. Asshat tells Eyebrows that Jessie will always have a problem. Then he smiled to self and somewhere a puppy got run over by a truck.

So that's that! Do you think there is any way to save Asshat? Could the house flip at the last minute? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!