Monday, July 15, 2013
People Are People
The slow torture of waiting for the guillotine to fall is worse than the blade itself. Just do it already, we cry. End the agony of this "People's HOH". The holding hands, the kumbayas, the sharing circles and trust exercises. No Helen, no, I will not do team building activities with you. I will not sign the "Big Brother is for friends" contract. Justin Timberlake brought sexy back. I, however, would like to bring evil back. This is me kicking you in the ass, Helen, and right out the door. Let's recap, shall we?
The people, the people. The people are idiots. The people keep voting Elvira (Elissa) MVP. And now, after that barbaric edit last night, the people will probably find a way to reward this, our "People's HOH". If you are a CBS-only viewer, know that Amanda orchestrated the demise of The Moving Company not Helen. Amanda worked tirelessly while Helen sat around thinking Spencer and Howard were the two most trustworthy men on the planet. A story is being carefully crafted on that there television, a highly fictional story.
We begin yesterday with Jessie. Sad, lonely spinster Jessie. Now that she has left that horrible "cool people" alliance, she is surrounded by friends and people who will stand up for her. She has found herself a backbone. A very whiny backbone. Seeing Asshat (Jeremy) outside, Jessie approaches him and wants to know why he is mad at her. If anyone should be mad at anyone, it is she who should be mad at him. Asshat scratches himself and moans about he is angry because he truly deserves to stay in the game. No one else is as driven as he is. No one else plays as hard as he does. No one else had their alliance so spectacularly detonated. Jessie replies, "I don't think you deserve to be here." Asshat tells her that all he's been doing in playing the game and any rational person would see that, out of anyone, he absolutely deserves to be there.
The incredibly infantile conversation continues with Jessie telling Asshat that he lied to her face. Asshat says, "I never lied. I withheld information." Jessie continues, "I've heard about everything you've been saying about me. About how you told people you had me in your pocket." Asshat tells her that he never said that (he did) and that she's going to feel pretty stupid when she watches the tapes (she will, but for different reasons entirely). The two continue to bicker because Jessie simply won't let it drop. She is desperate for an apology, but Asshat has no intention whatsoever of giving her one. Finally, she ends the conversation by telling him how obvious it is that he has no respect for me (yup, or any other woman for that matter).
Oh, but Jessie isn't done. She marches upstairs to the People's HOH and tells everyone that there is no way she'll be friends with Asshat when the show is all said and done. She'll be friends with everyone else, but not him. He doesn't respect her.
Hearing this sets off our one and only People's HOH, Helen. Helen explodes into a lengthy anti-Asshat rant that elevated to eardrum piercing decibels. She begins to pace around the room shrieking about how Asshat doesn't deserve to make $1 from Big Brother. She hollers, "America wants him to go home!" Jessie sits pouting in the corner and mumbles, "I'm so glad he never won any money. Helen then shouts to a camera in the corner, "You know what you get to leave with? A Never-Not pass!" Meanwhile, Andy sits on the bed horrified by the lunacy Helen is displaying. He stares blankly into the distance and for once, for once!, he is actually stunned into silence.
But Helen isn't done yet. She isn't even close to done. With the adrenaline and endorphins kicking in, Helen marches up to a camera and begins to yell at Asshat's mother about how what a jerk her son is. Jessie once again grumbles, "I can't understand how Eyebrows (Kaitlin) can overlook what a jerk he is." It is obvious that Jessie is still extremely bitter that Asshat chose Eyebrows over her. Bu we can't dwell on that now because Helen is still hollering up a storm and assaulting an innocent camera. "Go sail on your South American cruise with a Never-Not pass! Have fun!" She then leans in closer to the camera, "America, I hope you're rooting for us. Mrs. Asshat, your son wasted a lifetime opportunity. I gave him a thousand chances. Unfortunately, he's just a jerk!"
And downstairs, in the kitchen, Asshat chuckles to himself. He can hear Helen screaming his name over and over up in the HOH room. That is how loud she was screaming. What a psycho.
Elsewhere in another room covered in tears and farts, Eyebrows is whining to Aryan about how what she is going through this week has never happened on Big Brother before. She is making Big Brother history. Apparently, production has told Eyebrows that a lover has never replaced another lover o the block and then backdoored out of the game. I have no idea why this is even significant, but they told it to Eyebrows and now she is simultaneously thrilled and depressed. She is thrilled she'll go down in some nonexistent Big Brother World's Record book and she is depressed her bohunk boyfriend is leaving.
Aryan listens to all of this and asks, "So, are you thinking of not using the POV?" LOL Aryan's dream is to have Eyebrows leave so she can Asshat all to herself. Eyebrows tells Aryan that she will absolutely use the POV because she doesn't want to go home. She tells Aryan that they should be OK for a few weeks because the other side is targeting the men, not them. Aryan mumbles in that scratchy monotone voice of hers, "We need to win HOH." She says that she knows she has to work with the other side, but she will never put Eyebrows or VaGina (GinaMarie) up on the block no matter how much the other side wants her to.
Aryan then wonders if Eyebrows and Asshat are falling in love. Eyebrows sighs and says, "I don't know. That word really scares him." Eyebrows pouts some more and wonders how badly Big Brother will milk her emotional turmoil on TV this week. On the outside she may be pouting, but on the inside she is beaming. Aryan stares at her silently before asking Eyebrows if she told the people upstairs that she didn't want to have anything to do with Aryan because of her negativity. Eyebrows shakes her head vigorously, "That's not true. I never said that." Oh yes, she did. We even played a clip on the last episode of the Big Brother Gossip Show. Aryan drops it and says that if VaGina doesn't shut up about Nick, she could find herself a target soon. Eyebrows nods before stealing away to the inner recesses of her mind and planning her outfit for Asshat's eviction.
Upstairs in the HOH, we find Spencer trying to convince a room full of people that he never wanted to get rid of them. He tells them that he's tearing his chest open for them and he's back to square one now. Back in the olden timey days when he lied and manipulated them all, he didn't really mean it. Plus, it made him feel icky inside. Listening to this J-U-DD mumbles, I woulda joined yer alliance if Nick was nice to me." This has been a recurring theme all day with J-U-DD. The poor guy is a little miffed that he was never invited in the MC. But when he sits and rolls around the idea of the MC in his head, he decides that maybe it's better not to have been invited in. Look at the MC now. They're all going home!
Elsewhere, Andy is raping Eyebrows with his voice. He rapes everyone with his voice. You can shout no, but he'll just ignore you. He'll keep thrusting and thrusting his words into your face and there's nothing you can do about it. Today, he is checking in with Eyebrows to make sure she will use her POV to take herself off the block. He tells her that if she doesn't, she is going home. He tells her that when Asshat leaves, Eyebrows should take that opportunity to get her head in the game. He says he can tell that she is a good person and kind hearted (no, she's not). If anyone knows everything about everything, it's Andy. Eyebrows squinches up her face and replies, "This is going to be Big Brother history. By the way, when are we getting rid of Aryan?" Andy tells her she'll be going soon. This pleases Eyebrows. It pleases her almost as much as making Big Brother history.
And there you have it. It wasn't a terribly exciting day yesterday with Helen pontificating hither and thither. And I'm not really sure why Asshat dressed up as a baby while campaigning. *shrugs shoulders*
So, is Helen driving you nuts yet? How unfair was that edit last night? Would you like to see Asshat somehow save himself and Aryan go home instead? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!