Paranoia Will Destroy Ya

"Panic is the sudden realization that everything around you in alive." - William S. Burroughs

I have to get keep this relatively brief today so let's simply cover the facts. Spencer has used the POV to remove himself from the block and Candice has gone up in his place. This means that Howard, Candice and Amanda are up for eviction. Howard is the target who should have gone home last week, but Production reached out, interfered and kept their favorite token (the one that gives a controversial season some sort of meaning) safe. If you'll recall, J-U-DD would frequently come out of the Diary Room mumbling things like, "Ahummina I don't think they want Howard to go on the block hummina." And so, long story short, a very boring and uneventful player is finally on the block where he belongs. He is the intended target for the week, but wait! Here comes Spencer...

Spencer, Howard's best good friend, believes he has devised a plan to save Howard and get rid of Amanda. Earlier, Spencer spoke with J-U-DD and Andy promising them a shiny new alliance with himself, Howard and Candice. Andy and J-U-DD wisely decided to let Spencer think he has the game by the balls. In actuality however, they ran back over to their side of the house and told everyone about how Spencer is doing anything he can to save Howard and get rid of Amanda. Naturally, this infuriated Amanda and paranoia began to set in.

After the POV Ceremony, Amanda became visibly upset and worried that someone in her own alliance could turn on her. Everyone, McCrae included, advised her to tone down her game for the week and stop playing so hard. Easier said than done. All Amanda does is strategize. She's good at it, she's convincing, she targets people targeting her and she has pretty much run the entire game since week 1. Obviously, this is threatening to others... namely, Spencer.

Speaking of Spencer, he feels like he has this week all locked up. After the POV Ceremony, he tells Howard that they have the votes to keep him in the game this week - J-U-DD, Andy, VaGina (GinaMarie) and Jessie. The plan is for J-U-DD to tell Jessie to switch her vote at the last minute on Thursday. Spencer will then pop up during the live show and make a speech to Aryan about how Amanda is running the game. Somehow, this is supposed to make Aryan break the tie in favor of Howard. Let's break this down, shall we?
A) The only vote Spencer might actually have to save Howard is VaGina.
B) Spencer isn't on the block anymore. There are no speeches to made by him during the live show!
C) Andy and J-U-DD are masterfully playing Spencer like a fiddle.

Andy, who I think is in a great position so far game wise, knows he needs to keep this Spencer ruse going all the way up to the live show. He quickly meets with Jessie and tells her everything about how Spencer is trying to flip the house, how Andy and J-U-DD are fake playing along and how J-U-DD is supposed to go to Jessie on Thursday and tell her to evict Amanda. Jessie listens to all of this and wonders why she's always out of the loop. Andy tells her that's the point! She's supposed to be out of the loop. But in the case that she actually hears something about Spencer's cockamamie new plan, Andy needs her to keep pretending she's out of the loop until Thursday. On Thursday, right before the live show, Andy will tell Spencer that they don't have the votes after all and it's probably best he just evicts Howard so he doesn't get a bigger target on his back next week. Hearing this, Jessie nods and agrees to play along. Andy believes that on Thursday the vote will be either 7-1 or 8-0 to evict Howard.

Up in the HOH, Amanda is frustrated because she thinks people are playing too far ahead. Instead of getting rid of targets people (HELEN, HELEN, HELEN) are obsessed with filling the Jury with potential votes. Amanda tells Helen and Aryan that they have an army. Evicting one of their troops now (like herself) will only dissolve the giant alliance they have and put the house into a tailspin. She says it is ridiculous for people to start planning for final two right now.

As far as MVP goes, Amanda is still certain that Howard was the one who nominated her. Between Helen spreading rumors about Howard being Danielle's (BB3) sister and others saying he was a well known football player, Amanda and others think Howard must have a large fan base. Aryan, on the other hand, thinks Candice could be MVP because she was on Oprah's network (OWN) and Oprah has the biggest following in the business. Aryan also worries that after Howard leaves, people in the house will side with Candice. Helen tells her that Candice is her friend, but she's the worst player in the house so there is no way in hell she plans on playing this game with her. Helen then advises Amanda to tone down her game this week. She says Amanda is a huge player and needs to lay low. Amanda nods and says she will - not bloody likely!

And then something magical happened. Elvira (Elissa), willingly and without force, went up to the HOH room to talk to Aryan. For the moment, the two can actually be in each other's company without Elvira snapping her neck open and releasing the demon that lives inside of her. The two sit pleasantly on the HOH bed as Aryan fills Elvira in to Spencer's plan and how Andy and J-U-DD are fake playing along. She also tells Elvira how Howard was acting ridiculous after the POV Ceremony and telling people that if Candice leaves the house, he'll self evict. Aryan says Howard is using reverse psychology on the house in order to save himself (not just save himself, but get rid of Candice!).

Elvira wonders aloud if Howard has the Comb d'pa. Aryan giggles and corrects her, "Coup d'etat!" I waited with bated breath for Elvira to shove Aryan's extensions up her nose, but nothing happened. Whew! Elvira must be back on her meds again. Aryan then tells Elvira that she is sure Elvira will win HOH next week (so am I!). Elvira replies, "Hnmm mnmm, I want to see my little boy, unh. He's such a treasure. He's like my biggest investment in life. I don't have a social life because of him, hnmmm mnmmm. The little bastard... I mean, treasure. He's my investment banking treasure, hnmm mnmm. I want to bite him and gnaw on his flesh." Aryan nods and says she hopes that Elvira gets to see her family because she feels the same way about her pets. Only, she actually has a social life. Again, I waited for Elvira to remove Aryan's tongue with some tweezers. She didn't! We're making progress, folks.

And then we had a little controversy. Or, at least, I did. On twitter. Aryan, J-U-DD. McCrae and Amanda are talking about Howard when Aryan says that Howard uses race as a reason to win the show. I agree with her. Now, before you jump on me and start calling me a racist yet again, allow me to explain myself. BEFORE THE SHOW BEGAN, let me say that again... BEFORE THE SHOW BEGAN, Howard talked incessantly in his pre-season interviews about wanting to be the first African American to win Big Brother. Every other word out of his mouth was either "God" or "African American". Listening to it, my Big Brother Gossip Show co-hosts and myself laughed and rolled our eyes thinking this guy was going to use the race card while he was in the house. In Howard's defense, he didn't use it too much in the beginning of the game. BUT, when all the race stuff was being spewed and the DR conversations were race, race, race, race, then, yes, race became a dominate force in the house. And how could it not?! For a solid week the Diary Room did nothing but asks the Houseguests about race. Obviously, Aryan got wind of it, became upset, and, I think since then, has successfully begun to censor herself from saying things that might be construed as racist.

And because I didn't disagree with Aryan or have no desire to attack her any longer and ruin her life, I was then called a racist. Someone even said that because of people like me, people die. *scratches head* So because I don't hate Aryan and don't want to go out of my way to destroy her any more than people already have, I suddenly hate black people and may or may not be a serial killer. How people like this tie their shoes in the morning is a mystery to me. But there you go. You can't reason with crazy so I'm not even going to try.

I will end today with a new sort of paranoia. It mumbles in the darkness and often makes no sense.... it's J-U-DD! Amanda, Helen and Aryan are all convinced that J-U-DD is a secret brainiac who could quite possibly be the next Dan Gheesling. You see, J-U-DD confessed to Amanda that he invented the lie that Eyebrows (Kaitlin) wanted Helen out of the game. It came to him while he was in his solitary confinement and actually played a role in Eyebrows' departure. The girls sit in a feverish tizzy talking about how J-U-DD could quite possibly be brilliant. Amanda begins to wonder if he's been MVP all along instead of Howard and Helen begins to rethink her plans of who she wants in the Jury. The paranoia rose to such a feverish pitch that J-U-DD could seriously be in danger sooner rather than later. That in itself isn't a big deal. What is a big deal is if J-U-DD catches wind of this speculation before Thursday. If he hears that the women in his alliance want him out of the game, he could very easily jump over to Spencer's side. The girls still have Andy so I don't think Spencer will ever get the votes he's after to evict Amanda, but it could definitely tip the scales a little next week and leave Jessie wondering where the hell to go.

So, does Spencer have a chance in hell to save Howard? Is VaGina lying to the girls or the boys? How long until Elvira's meds wear off and she remembers she's supposed to hate Aryan? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Thorny Balls

(What is wrong with this picture?)

A passing comment. A mumble on the wind. A teeny tiny little droplet of syllables. So seemingly harmless yet, over time, it can grow thorns. Razor sharp little daggers to pierce the soul and let all the happiness ooze out leaving a lifeless wet noodle in its wake. If you dwell on it, the burrs will multiply and stick clinging to your hair, your sweater vests, your comfy woolen socks... Best to shake off the ugly and smile a toothy grin. Best to pretend you never heard it at all. Best to hold your head high... and your middle finger higher. Let's recap, shall we?

The day began under a lazy haze. After an eventful POV Saturday night, the Houseguests happily slept away half of Sunday. Of course Helen has been up since the crack of dawn prancerizing hither and thither and being all around awful. J-U-DD and Elvira (Elissa) are somewhat early risers as well. And this is where we begin... outside listening to, "Hnmm mnmm ahummina hummina hnmm mnmm."

J-U-DD and Elvira are discussing who they'll be friends with after this season ends. J-U-DD tells Elvira that he thinks Aryan likes her now. Elvira replies, "Oh wow! I feel like the luckiest girl in the world now! Hnmm mnmm." And then she rolled her eyes and launched into another one of her 18 hour long rants about how she would never associate with someone who says derogatory remarks... "I'd never be friends with someone like that, hnmm mnmm. It's all about people's character. Just because they go from mean to nice doesn't change who they are, unh." Pot meet kettle. If we tally up our score cards of people who have said mean things in the house, Elvira would be champion of the universe.

In addition to hurling insults with unparalleled aplomb, Elvira is a master whiner. And we are once again treated to her bitching and moaning about how all the girls in the house are so mean to her. They always talk about her, hnmm mnmm, and say like the meanest things. Mind you, this is coming from the girl who told Amanda to her face that she was disgusting and J-U-DD that he was a crazy ridiculous liar. Speaking of J-U-DD, listening to this his eyes kind of glaze over and we all smile happily to ourselves knowing he's floating along that Xanax highway of his.

Evira then asks J-U-DD what he thinks of Amanda. J-U-DD says he really likes Amanda. Elvira replies, "Hnmm mnmm, people in the house are saying you want her out." J-U-DD brushes the cobwebs out of his face and asks, "Who said that? I never said that." Elvira tells him that like 3 people said it. J-U-DD asks her if it was Candice, Howard and Spencer. Elvira tells him no and then asks, "So you never said Amanda made you mad by picking your nominations?" J-U-DD tells Elvira that Amanda didn't pick his nominations at all. Amanda wanted Howard on the block, but J-U-DD never nominated him. This may sound relatively innocuous, but here is what you need to know. Helen was the one going around the house telling people that J-U-DD was all broken up and shattered that Amanda was running his HOH. It was Helen, Elvira's best good friend, that has been spreading these lies. Is Elvira starting to suspect that Helen isn't 100% trustworthy? Will the two eventually turn on one another? I hope so!

Aryan then comes outside - which is Elvira's cue to run away and hide. J-U-DD asks Aryan who she is going to put on the block as a replacement nominee (Spencer won POV). Aryan tells him she is definitely putting Candice up, but she doesn't really care if Candice or Howard goes home. J-U-DD mumbles that it would be silly to get rid of Candice right now because Howard is a much bigger threat and can win HOH next week. I am inclined to agree with J-U-DD on this. Production will do whatever they can to save and protect Howard. And if by some miracle he survives the week, expect next week's HOH to be a "Name that book in the Bible" comp.

Inside, we find Helen and Andy in the cockpit. Like I discussed on the Big Brother Gossip Show this weekend, Helen has one thing on her mind and that is JURY. Jury this, Jury that, hurry hurry hurry, let's get these people to Jury. Her entire game strategy is stacking that Jury with people who will vote for her to win. So, when you wonder why Howard is going before Candice it's because Helen doesn't trust Howard to vote for her to win. Helen's worry after Howard is Spencer and how he could possibly vote were he to get to Jury.

Helen asks Andy if he thinks Spencer knows about the deal she made with Aryan (if Aryan won HOH, she would let Helen's alliance pick her noms). Andy tells her that Spencer absolutely knows about the deal because Aryan told him about herself. Helen then asks Andy if he thinks Spencer will go after her if he wins HOH. Andy tells her that he doesn't think so. He also tells her that he can control Spencer because they're really close (Ha!). Helen brings up Jury again and worries about letting certain people get too far. Andy then tells Helen that he wants Elvira out sooner rather than later. He doesn't like the fact that she's a loose cannon. Helen nods and says, "For sure", but honestly she wants Elvira there for the long haul. Helen not only knows she can win against Elvira, but she knows that Elvira is most likely a Jury vote she's got in the bag.

Helen then tells Andy that it was Jessie who came up with the plan to keep Aryan safe. True, Jessie was anti-Eyebrows (Kaitlin), but Helen is the one who told Aryan that if she won HOH, the alliance should control her nominations. Helen loves taking credit for huge moves that Amanda makes, but she hates taking credit for shady moves she makes herself. Personally, I don't find anything wrong with Helen wanting to control Aryan's HOH, but it really chaps her ass that Spencer and others now know about it. Speaking of Amanda, Helen is obsessed with Amanda and McCrae NOT going to Jury together. She doesn't want Amanda voting for McCrae to win over Helen. Again, and totally out of nowhere, Andy says how much he wants Elvira out. Helen automatically nods and mumbles, "Sure, sure." She's totally lying.

Andy then tells Helen that J-U-DD was upset with her yesterday for feeling bad that Howard was crying after nominations. J-U-DD became convinced that Helen would flip and save Howard. Helen nods absently, but she is really still deep in thought over building her ideal Jury. She tells Andy that they have to get rid of Aryan because the longer she stays around, the stronger she makes Amanda and McCrae.

And here is where things gets interesting. Here is where I cleverly reference back to my opening paragraph. For some reason, Helen decides to tell Andy that there are people in the house that think he is floating through the game. Andy asks her who is saying that. Helen tells him J-U-DD and other people. Helen then tells him that people have also said how Andy constantly pops into everyone's conversations. The strained look of hiding pain that flashed across Andy's face in that moment was miraculous. In one split second we caught a glimpse of his entire being crumbling. All the bones and gristle and ginger parts began to buckle, but he quickly snaps out of it and declares, "I'm happy people think I'm a floater. You have to choose when to make a strategic move and now is not my time."

So, yes, Andy is happy to be called a floater. In fact, he's so happy he immediately corners J-U-DD in the Storage Room and tells him how much he loves people thinking he's a floater. Up until this point in time, I think Andy was convinced that he is a hardcore gamer. To hear the word floater attached to himself is freaking him out something fierce. But, Andy is Andy. He'll dust himself off, accept the floater label, and tell everyone it was part of his grand master flash plan all along. Before Andy scurries off to tell more people how much he loves being thought of as a floater, he tells J-U-DD to stay on Candice's good side in case she gets HOH next week.

Outside, we find Helen and Spencer in the hammock talking about Candice. Helen says that Candice isn't helping Howard's game at all. In fact, Candice threatened Helen the other day in the cockpit and Helen just can't let it go. Apparently, Candice was trying to push Helen to make a deal to get her alliance to keep Howard. When Helen didn't respond, Candice told her that if Helen doesn't get her side of the house to save Howard, she'll go after Helen and her friends and take them all down. Helen complains to Spencer how she was surprised and appalled that Candice would threaten her like that. Helen says that she told Candice ok just to get her to shut up. She again tells Spencer how it really ticked her off that something she thought as her friend, Candice, could threaten her and treat her so poorly. Truth be told, Helen threatens people everyday!

The afternoon continued lazily and we now find Helen and Aryan in the hammock. Aryan is upset because all weekend long Candice has been bringing up the race stuff. Aryan apologized to Candice last week for flipping her bed and Candice forgave her. But now that Candice and Howard are in trouble this week, race is all that Candice can talk about. Aryan tells Helen how when she found out that people thought she was racist, she cried so hard that she couldn't breathe. She says she has nightmares about it every night and extremely scared to leave the house because a rumor like that could make her unsafe in the outside world. This is true. And no, I'm not saying Aryan should be completely absolved for what she has said. BUT, I wonder if CBS making Aryan the racist poster girl for the season has indeed put her in danger. Look, we all know she is going to have a miserable time the second she leaves the house. And, believe me, she'll learn a lesson so fast it'll make her head spin. If I think back to all the racist comments made over the season, I find VaGina's (GinaMarie) much more offensive than Aryan's. For the most part, Asshat (Jeremy) and Bouffant (David) have emerged from the scandal unscathed. It strikes me as incredibly unfair that Aryan will be walking into a nightmare. and taking all the blame for every hateful thing ever uttered in that house. Yes, VaGina lost her job too, but I don't think she'll be getting 1/100th of the ire that Aryan has coming her way.

Listening to all of this, Helen admits that she only ever heard Candice and Elvira's side of the story. She tells Aryan that she understands that the comments probably weren't made out of malice, but that sometimes people don't understand how others could be offended by their comments. Helen says this is especially true in a house like Big Brother where all people are looking for is took a comment and twist it something that could get you evicted. Helen tells Aryan that at one point the house was so against Aryan that if she said hello, people would attack for it. The conversation ends with Helen telling Aryan she is glad she has gotten to know her better now.

The day continued fairly uneventfully. We had Andy telling more people how happy he is to be a floater and Aryan organized another nail party in the HOH (to keep Helen happy). That's where I'll end this for today. This afternoon expect Candice to go up in Spencer's place. Will she lose her shit and cry all day? The magic 8 ball says yes.

So, what do you think of Helen playing her game around the Jury? Have you begun to warm up to Aryan at all? Will Andy stop popping into conversations now? (that last one was rhetorical) Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Insane In The Membrane

Albert Einstein once said, "Insanity is doing the the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Oh puh-lease, don't flatter yourself Albie. I have the right to express my opinion here on this little blog and my opinion is...hnmm mnmm. You know what? I don't want to talk you. I never even think about you. Science is totally ridiculous anyways. Religion is what is important in my life. Religion and my ministry. Ministering little gumballs of hate to all the ridiculous pathetic people is my true passion. Not that I even think of other people at all. They're so not worth my time and they should really stop flattering themselves. Hnmm mnmm. And I don't appreciate you sitting in your laboratory with your beakers and bunsen burners making fun of my religion. I have the right to put a stop to your hypothesizing and theorizing and jazzercising. You're just a ridiculous liar. I would never associate with someone as disgraceful as you. Hnmm mnmm. I would also never do that to you - make fun of something that's important to you. Science is like so offensive anyways. Don't flatter yourself thinking I sit here giving science a second thought. It means nothing to me. But you can't keep making defamatory remarks about my religion. I'm telling Production right now! Whatever. Let's recap, shall we?

With two feet, let's jump right in and get to the good stuff. Elvira (Elissa) is completely insane and I can't believe her nurses have let her out in public without her thorazine drip. She is a danger not only to herself, but to society as a whole. Hnmm mnmm.

We begin with Andy, J-U-DD, Amanda, McCrae and Elvira sitting outside. Elvira is talking about how she doesn't like that Howard uses his religion to further himself in the game. Her voice gets louder and louder carrying the hnmm mnmm's across the vast expanse of the backyard with reckless abandon. Andy mimes to her that she needs to lower her voice because there are other people nearby - other "friends with Howard" people. McCrae, seeing Andy motioning to Elvira to pipe down and stick a cork in it, begins to giggle to himself.

Oh shit. McCrae laughed. Elvira was talking and McCrae laughed. Hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife!

Elvira then goes ballistic telling Andy that she can't believe he sat there and mocked her religion to her face. Como what? She says that religion and her ministry are very important parts of her life and she doesn't appreciate people belittling her passions. Andy quickly tells her that all he was doing was trying to get her to lower her voice because she was talking loudly about Howard. Elvira purses her duck lips and says, "Whatever. You know I would never make fun of something that was important to you. I don't appreciate you making fun of my religion." She then gets up and walks inside mumbling to herself about how offended she is.

With Elvira safely inside, Andy, J-U-DD, Amanda and McCrae all look at one another quizzically. Andy asks the group, "What the fuck just happened?" Amanda says, "I think she misinterpreted it." Andy explains to them that all he was trying to do was to get Elvira to lower her voice. Andy sighs to himself and says, "I better go fix things." Amanda then motions to McCrae to go with Andy.

The two boys head inside to the bathroom to wait for Elvira to finish her Colace shits (Colace is a laxative often used in mental institutions because medications can make patients constipated).

When Elvira finally emerges from the toilet, Andy says, "Come here when you're done." Elvira snaps, "I don't want to talk to you guys. Like, that was so rude." McCrae then jumps in and tells her that she was getting loud outside and they were trying to discreetly tell her to lower her voice when she was talking about Howard. Elvira barks, "Howard wasn't even there!" Andy replies, "VaGina (GinaMarie) was!" Elvira snorts, "Whatever."

Andy apologizes again and tells her that what happened wasn't about religion at all. And here is where Elvira opened up her skull and released the alien living inside of it, "Don't flatter yourself! I would never put on a show for any of you. Religion is something very important to me." *scratches head* What the hell is this bitch talking about? I mean... what. the. hell.

McCrae again insists they weren't laughing at her but Elvira just keeps rolling her eyes. Andy interrupts them both and says, "Hang on just a sec. I'll explain what happened. Howard is in a secret alliance with VaGina and Eyebrows (Kaitlin) and you were talking about Howard using his religion and they were right there. That's why I was like..." Elvira interrupts him and snaps, "I don't do that! So to laugh about it is like..." Andy interjects, "McCrae was laughing at ME because I was trying to tell you to lower your voice." Andy tries to explain again and again how this psychotic hosebeast was squawking too loud, but she refuses to hear it. Refuses!

Andy tells her, "I would never make fun of your religion. I think you carry your religion amazingly." Whatever that means. Elvira replies, I would never do that to you guys... make fun of something that's important to you." Seriously folks, it's like talking to a brick wall. A psychotic botox-filled brick wall. The conversation ends when Jessie trundles in and tells them they're being loud. Elvira makes a quick escape while Andy and McCrae simply stare at each other and wonder to themselves what the hell just happened.

We then fast forward to a mandatory lockdown where all of the Houseguests have to wait in the HOH room. Amanda, for some reason, takes this as an opportunity to pluck her bikini line. A note to all the women out there: NEVER pluck! It makes more hairs grow. Anyhow, Amanda is sitting in the shower taming her forest when Elvira enters and joins her. She immediately begins to moan about how everything everyone says in the house totally offends her. She reveals that she even asked Production to let her go home the first week. And then, like clockwork, she brings up the religion thing again.

Amanda tries to explain to her what happened, but Elvira doesn't want to hear it. She tells Amanda proudly that she told Andy not to flatter himself and that he means nothing to her. Remember these lines because they're just about all Elvira has in her arsenal. Elvira sighs again and says, "I'm going to tell them I want to go home." Amanda asks, "Andy and McCrae?" Elvira replies, "No, Production. I shouldn't be subjected to defamatory remarks like this." The feeds go to fish and I take the break as my opportunity to pluck out my own eyeballs with a melon baller.

Fortunately (or unfortunately) for me, the feeds return before I'm able to start scooping. They return and I hear that voice saying, "Everything in my life is so good. Hnmm mnmm. I don't need this. This is so stupid." Amanda gently asks her if she is OK with Andy. Elvira says he's so stupid and it's obvious that he's lying to her. And then, once again, she starts with the whole, "I shouldn't have to be made uncomfortable for my religion. I feel weird reading my Bible now." WHAT IS SHE EVEN TALKING ABOUT?! No one said anything about her religion! No one insulted her! No one breathed on her or looked at her wrong... *yanks hair out* 

But she's not done! There's more!

"We're on this show for 3 months. Can't you not hold it together and not make defamatory comments on religion or race? I've never been around a group of deceitful people, just like, lack of etiquette, like social graciousness. I'm going to talk to them (Production) after this. This is like ridiculous. It's the most important thing in my life and it's not funny. Hnmm mnmm. I don't want Andy to apologize. It's rude and it never should have come out of his mouth."

How Amanda didn't attack Elvira viciously with her tweezers, I'll never know. And how Amanda managed to say, "I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt" with a straight face is an even greater mystery. And I hope you didn't think Elvira was actually done, BECAUSE SHE'S NOT!!!

"I think I'm created from a higher power and that's what I believe in. I have never been in such a disgrace. This is disgraceful. I'm building a ministry. They shouldn't flatter themselves. They don't matter anything to my life. It's like totally disrespectful."

I shit you not, the crazy continues for like another 10 hours. After the HOH lockdown is over, Elvira immediately goes to the DR to get one of her microchips replaced.

When Elvira emerges from the DR, she makes a bee line for Eyebrows in the kitchen. The two stand at the sink and Elvira tells her that if she doesn't confront everyone in the house, she'll be going home this week. She says that Aryan is spreading a rumor that Eyebrows is in a secret alliance with Howard and Spencer. Lies. Lies, lies, lies. Aryan didn't say anything. Truth be told, it was J-U-DD. But, if you'll remember, Elvira was just in the DR and Production is doing everything they can to get rid of Aryan this week. So, basically, they fed Elvira a bunch of bullshit, gave her some instructions, and let her loose on the house. She is their puppet. She is a mole. She is in the house to manipulate the game and control the outcome. She is privy to everyone's secrets and she is personally guided on how to navigate through week after week. If this doesn't bother you, you're just as insane as she is.

Anyhow, as Elvira is feeding Eyebrows this line of bullshit, Aryan overhears it all in the bathroom. She immediately goes to Helen and tells her that Elvira has told Eyebrows she's going home. Helen's eyes bug out of her head as she says, "I have no idea what Elvira is up to." I do! She wants Aryan gone and Production is helping her do it! Christ, even Aryan knows what's going on. She tells Helen that Elvira wants her out of the house so bad that she's purposely screwing everything up. If you have the Live Feeds, then you know that Elvira is part of an alliance that is planning on voting out Eyebrows this week. What Elvira just did in the kitchen was betray her alliance in an effort to serve her own selfish desire to get rid of Aryan.

Meanwhile, Eyebrows is freaking out because she thought she was safe all this time. She flits from person to person telling them how Elvira told her she's probably going home unless she confronts the whole house in a house meeting.

And that's just what we get a house meeting. Or what I like to call, diving into the bell jar. With everyone gathered in one of the bedrooms, Helen asks Elvira what's going on. VaGina jumps in and starts cracking up hysterically, "Yo, yo, yo, Imma supposed to like be in a alliance with all youse peoples. ahahahahaha!!!!" J-U-DD shrugs his shoulders and mumbles, "I hummina hummina stay up late at night ahummina hummina." Elvira announces, "You guys are nuts. I'm sick of everyone lying to me. Aryan needs to go."

Cue Aryan walking into the bedroom. There is an incredibly long discussion about whether or not Elvira said Aryan's name at all when talking to Eyebrows in the kitchen. She did, but Elvira insists she didn't. And since Aryan overheard the kitchen conversation, Aryan insists, "I heard you say my name! Eyebrows, you told me she said my name. Tell her what you said." Eyebrows then crawls under the chair and hides. Elvira turns to Aryan smugly, "I don't know why you're attacking me. You always twist my words. This has nothing to do with you!" Aryan replies, "You said my name. It has everything to do with me." Elvira chews her face and says, "Don't flatter yourself! I never even think about you. You know what, I don't want to talk to you anymore."

The demented dance continues and it goes something like this...

Aryan: I'm so sick of you making shit up about me.
Elvira smiles.
Aryan: Why are you doing this to me?
Elvira: Get a life! You're attacking me!
Helen: Aryan is telling the truth.
Aryan: I'm so sick of rumors being made up about me.
VaGina: Nick! I love you Nick! Holla for a dolla!
Elvira: Aryan told people she was safe this week!
Aryan: I never said that!
Elvira: Why are you even talking to me? I never think about you. Stop flattering yourself!
Aryan sighs.
Elvira: It's not all about you! This has nothing to do with you! Hnmm mnmm.
Elvira: I can't be in this house with Aryan!
Eyebrows whimpers.
VaGina: We're all like genuine people here. Ya know.
Elvira: Aryan just attacked me and I refuse to be manipulated like this!
And... scene!

The meeting disperses and only one thing is for sure... Elvira, time for your meds!

In the Storage Room, it is finally dawning on Helen that Elvira is Queen of the Shit Stirring People. She clutches her head and moans, "She's ruining everything!" Andy replies, "She's a loose cannon. She's pushing her own agenda of getting Aryan out and not the alliance's agenda."

Meanwhile, Aryan is shaken to the core with frustration. Aryan may be an ignorant twit who doesn't know much about race relations or tact, but she doesn't deserve Elvira's twisted manipulations. There's a difference between saying something mean out of ignorance and saying something mean out of malice. Aryan is ignorant. Elvira is malicious. Ignorance can be eradicated over time with education and understanding (and, believe me, Aryan will get herself one hell of an education when she leaves the house). Malice is something within you, a part of you. Malice cares not of the consequences. Sociopathic personalities like Elvira will never learn from their mistakes because, to them, they simply don't make mistakes! Let's just say, it takes a pretty awful person to make us sympathize with someone who was formerly the house pariah. But sympathize we did. We looked at Aryan being manipulated unfairly and it angered us.

The madness didn't end there and Elvira continued to assault even likable people like J-U-DD. She told him to his face that he was a crazy ridiculous liar. Clearly, all of this was Elvira desperately trying to get Aryan out of the house this week. Unfortunately for her, I think her plan backfired. Had she not lost it earlier in the day over the stupid religion thing, the house might have been more likely to believe her. She shot herself in the foot though when she called Andy, harmless Jazz Hands Andy, a manipulative liar. Nice try Elvira. You need to reel in the crazy not roll it out.

So, what did you guys think of yesterday's shenanigans? Why did Elvira go batshit crazy over the religion stuff? How much instruction did the DR give her before she attacked Aryan? Will Elvira strike again today? Who do you think is going home this week, Aryan or Eyebrows? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Hnmm Mnmm

I   like   thiiiink   that   all   of   you   are   soooo   disgusting. Hnmm mnmm. Whooores   and   sluuuts   annnd... where did I put my granolaaa? Unh. Maybe   laterrr   I'll   do   some   yogaaa, mnmm, or   maybe   I'll... you know, I   don't   appreciate the look you're   giving   me   right   nowww. Hnmm mnmm. I left my family   to come   here. My little boy   is suuuch a treasure. Who   made   these   cookiesss? I'm only going to have   one, hnmm mnmm. *eats a dozen* I like  think   it's   really ruuude   that you left   those   cookiesss on the counter   for me   to eat. Pine cone. You should probably  like   apologize   to   me, mnmm. The   fact that you're   such a nonentity   is   so   ruuude of you. Hnmm mnmm. Will   youuu wrap   my   head in   tin foilll? Uhn. Do it   tiiighterrrr, mnmm, I feel liiiike... ceiling faaan unh... what   are   you   doinnnng? Why   did   you   wraaap   me in   tin foilll? I said   duct taaaape. Hnmm mnmm. If you   sayyy you're   sorrry, I can for... maldehyde. That's   what   they   put   dead  baaabies innn, unh . Or   maybe   you put   some in   your cookiessss. If you're   goinnng to   beeee aggressive with  mee, fabric softener. Hnmm mnmm. Let's recap, unh, shall wweee? Hnmm mnmm.

If any of that made any sense to you, you are far better people than I. You also probably do a lot of drugs. Nevertheless! Nevertheless, we have another fun-filled day in the Big Brother house to tackle. Let's begin bright and early at 7am. This is not by choice, mind you. This is because Helen's prancercizing is keeping me from sleeping! *clomp clomp clomp... swish swish... clomp* Helen's 8pm curfew may bring us some much needed peace in the nighttime, but it also means she's bright-eyed and ready to go at the buttcrack of dawn. After endless clippety-clopping around the house, Helen ponies her way into Elvira's (Elissa) room, "Oh good, you're awake!" "I wasn't... hnmm mnmm. You're soooo louddd."

After another quick 15 jumping jacks, Helen scurries up on Elvira's bed for a whisper sesh. Helen sighs and can't believe that Elvira isn't able to play in the next POV. Elvira replies, "I just need to win HOH, uhn." And, you know what? Something tells me she will. Something in my groins or my guts is telling me that next week will be a grueling Ashtanga Yoga/Reilly Trivia Endurance Competition... "Are you ready, Houseguests? Surya Namaskara to Padangushthasana to Utthita Trikonasana to the Reilly Family Tree where you must identify Rachel's 2nd cousin once removed. Go!" Yeah, I have a feeling that Elvira unable to play in the next POV will be no problem at all for the lass.

Helen suggests to Elvira that maybe they should try to help Howard or Jessie win HOH so they'll get rid of Amanda while Helen and Elvira keep the blood of their hands. Speaking of Amanda, Elvira thinks Amanda is the MVP that nominated her. Now, you and I both know better than that. You and I know that we were the MVP. We also know that after last night's CBS edit, Amanda is most likely the third replacement nominee. It's either that or she's simply a tool in the "Let's make Howard look charming and untouchable so he wins it all" plan. Either way, I'm not happy about it.

Next Helen chasses over to Andy and without any hesitation whatsoever she launches into a lecture about how Amanda and McCrae wanted her to put up Howard last week. Earlier, Helen whispered under the door to J-U-DD and he told her that he was upset at how Amanda and McCrae are pressuring him to put up Howard this week. All along J-U-DD thought Aryan was the target. And, according to Helen, J-U-DD is frustrated and upset at how Amanda and McCrae appear to be running the show. I didn't see the conversation between Helen and J-U-DD myself, but Helen has a knack for exaggeration so take anything she says with a grain of salt.

Helen then tells Andy that she think Amanda will put her up if she wins HOH next week. Andy immediately shakes his head and disagrees. He tells her that that isn't true at all (and he's right). Helen again reiterates how angry J-U-DD is with Amanda. She warns Andy that they need to be extremely careful when dealing with Amanda and McCrae, "We have to be really careful. I trust McCrae, but we have to be really careful."

Elvira then enters the bathroom and tells Helen and Andy that she's been paying attention to who gets called into the Diary Room. She thinks this will reveal who the real MVP is. She also tells them that she doesn't particularly like talking to Howard because he always talks in circles and it bothers her, hnmm mnmm. Before leaving the bathroom, Elvira reiterates that Aryan is still the target this week.

As Elvira leaves, Jessie enters and is just itching to tell Helen and Andy all about McCrae's birthday party last night. Before Jessie can tell them about how rude Elvira was to Amanda, Elvira reenters the bathroom forcing Jessie to just talk about the party in general. Jessie says, "It was super scandalous." Elvira nods and agrees. First off, it wasn't the least bit scandalous. Everyone was involved in it. Everyone was cracking up. Basically, Amanda put on a one piece bathing suit and pretended she was a dominatrix. Spencer and Howard held McCrae captive as Amanda kissed McCrae's torso 24 times. She then spanked McCrae with a plastic spoon 24 times as everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, counted very loudly from 1 to 24. The party was fantastic and everyone was laughing, giggling and having a great time. It was probably the happiest I've ever seen the house. McCrae even announced to everyone that it was his best birthday ever. No one's clothes came off. No sex acts were performed. It was just a group of people having a blast.

The problems came about because Elvira is a heinous bitch who can't stand not being the center of attention. After the spankings were over, someone in the room (I can't remember who, but it wasn't Amanda) suggested that Amanda put whipped cream between her breasts and let McCrae lick it off. Amanda laughs and then we hear it... from just off camera, "If you dooo thaaat, I'm going to vommmiiit. Hnmm mnmm. That's so disgusssting, unh." The entire mood of the room immediately shifted to an awkward silence. Amanda sat in the chair trying not to look hurt and says, "That was rude." But Elvira wasn't done. Oh no siree bob. Elvira then launched into a rant about how gross one piece bathing suits are and why would anyone anywhere in the world ever wear one. Amanda, sitting there IN A ONE PIECE BATHING SUIT, mumbles an excuse about how she left something downstairs and she quickly leaves the HOH room. Once downstairs, she breaks down in tears.

(Bacchanalia)

Jessie's version of the story made the party sound like an Bacchanalian orgy full of hedonism. It wasn't! And, if I recall correctly, Jessie was clapping and singing and chanting along with everyone else. Hearing Jessie's version of the party, Helen shakes her head and says, "I'm so glad I wasn't there. I don't want my husband seeing that. He wouldn't approve." Bitch, shut up.

Jessie then tells Helen that when Amanda was downstairs crying, Aryan, Eyebrows (Kaitlin) and VaGina (GinaMarie) were the ones comforting her and talking shit about Elvira. Jessie says they need to be careful of Amanda now because the other side of the house is clearly trying to recruit her.

Outside, McCrae's birthday party is still a hot topic. With righteous Helen constantly jabbering on and on about how glad she is that she wasn't there because of her curfew, the others have no choice but to agree with her and tsk tsk tsk over Amanda's behavior. Spencer even shakes his head saying that he'd never be involved in something he wouldn't want his family to see. Oh really, Spencer? Is that why you were grinning ear to ear at the party? Is that why you were doing the white man's dance and cheering during the band-aid striptease last week? Is that why you leer creepily at Jessie's ass and make remarks about how you want to eat her tampon? You sure are a paradigm of pious behavior. Your girlfriend and family should be very proud about how you told J-U-DD to finger Jessie so you could smell his fingers. And wasn't it just last night you said, "I'm in a secret alliance with Jessie's nipples." Shut your trap, you hypocrite.

The puritanical bullshit party continues with Helen repeating, "I'm so glad I was in bed. I'm so glad I wasn't there. I'm so glad I went to sleep." Perhaps Jessie began to realize how much Helen was blowing everything out of proportion because she begins to change her tune and say how entertaining Amanda was. She says Amanda is so funny and outgoing that she reminds her of Chelsea Handler. Jessie says that Amanda's fun personality might help her with a career in comedy. Helen shrugs her shoulders while Spencer leered up Jessie's shorts from behind his sunglasses.

Inside, Candice and Elvira are in the Storage Room. Word has gotten back to Elvira that she made Amanda cry last night so she begins to push Candice for information. Candice tells Elvira that she hurt Amanda's feelings last night. She says perhaps the all the alcohol Elvira consumed was to blame. Elvira then says, "I wasn't drunk at all last night. I only had one glass of wine." Ha! Not. Elvira was flicking off the cameras, telling all the producer's to eff themselves and she even started talking about the wives of the crew. She better hope for her sake that she was drunk. Otherwise, she's truly psychotic. Andy then enters the room, "Heyyyy!" Elvira turns to Andy and asks him why Amanda was crying. Andy tells her the same thing Candice did, "Amanda's feelings were hurt."

Candice, now with a serious case of Helen-itis, heads outside to tell her version of the birthday party. She begins by telling Helen that what Amanda did wasn't the least bit scandalous. She says that Amanda was in a leotard and there was nothing distasteful going on at all. Candice continues and tells Helen how Elvira was calling Amanda a whore and saying she was disgusting. So far, Candice is being accurate and I felt a little proud of her for telling the truth. But then, she loses my pride and claims that Amanda ran downstairs crying and was being a total drama queen. She claims that Amanda was "acting". Ugh.

So I've watched the party a few times now and, like I said before, when Amanda got upset she left the room all alone. It was Aryan and Eyebrows who entered the bathroom and found out that Amanda was crying in the toilet. Aryan and Eyebrows consoled Amanda which then turned into all of them bitching about Elvira. Aryan was relieved that finally everyone could see what she's being saying all along about Elvira - Elvira is a mean girl.

The game of Telephone continues on and on with Candice stopping to chat with everyone about Amanda just like Helen did. Let's fast forward a bit to where Amanda is finally awake. She quickly discovers that this Elvira "whore" thing has become an issue. She tells Helen she is completely over it and doesn't want it to be a big deal today. Last night her feelings were hurt, but today she's not going to hold a grudge about it. Helen advises Amanda to talk it out with Elvira. Hearing this, McCrae nods and tells Amanda that they need Elvira's vote for the numbers.

Elvira eventually comes outside and sits on the couch next to Amanda. Amanda tells Elvira straight up that the comments about the whipped cream hurt Amanda's feelings. Amanda said that at the time she interpreted it as an attack on her weight. It also didn't help that Elvira mentioned the Spearmint Rhino (a strip club) when she was trash talking Amanda. Amanda tells Elvira that she's body conscious being bigger than the other girls and that Elvira's comments made her feel like her sexuality was disgusting. She also tells Elvira that alcohol was probably a factor in why things turned sour. Elvira says, "I only had one glass of wine." Amanda says, "We shared the bottle. You kept flicking off the cameras and calling out the producers." Elvira insists she wasn't drunk at all. Then she looks down at the plate on her lap and says, "I have an issue with food. I've never even been to a strip club." What? What does have to do with anything?

And this is where things became very creepy. Elvira shrugs her shoulders and says, "I had nothinnnng to doooo with the strippp showww, unh. I don't understaaaand why I was brought into ittt. Hnmm mnmm." Yo, home skillet, you were brought into it because YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WAS THERE TALKING SHIT!!! Amanda replies, "What do you mean?" Elvira says, "I don't think I said anythinnng offennnsive, mnmm." Amanda brings up the one piece bathing suit crap Elvira was saying and how she interpreted it as an attack on her weight. Amanda says, "You hurt my feelings." Elvira replies, "That offends me." Wait, como what? Baking Powder? This bitch is completely insane!

Realizing she's not going to get anywhere with Elvira, Amanda apologizes to Elvira for offending her. It was horrible and frustrating and I hated watching Amanda stoop to Elvira's level. But, as McCrae warned her earlier, they need Elvira's vote. So, instead of calling out Elvira and making her own up to her remarks, Amanda apologizes and the two hug it out. It was a mind boggling scene that you should Flashback if you haven't seen it. The ability Elvira has to turn herself into a victim is a fearsome thing to behold.

Later that evening, when VaGina approached Elvira for making fun of her for not having a college degree, the same thing happened again. VaGina ended up complimenting Elvira , chit chatting about hair extensions and apologizing to her. It was truly bizarre and horror movie scary.

So, that's that for yesterday. Elvira is completely insane, but she somehow gets away with it and makes people kiss her ass. Today we find out who goes up in her place on the block. While I hope it's not Amanda, the target for this week is still Aryan. Elvira is hellbent on getting Aryan out of the game as soon as possible. Will something happen between now and then to change things up? Probably.

So, what did you think of the birthday party? Were you grossed out watching Amanda apologize to Elvira? Who do you think will be the third replacement nominee? Is Elvira even human? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!