Friday, August 9, 2013

Wounded Bear


If J-U-DD was Native American, his name would be - Wounded Bear Walking Into The Distance. Wounded because he never saw it coming. Wounded because it was a surprise attack. Wounded because that insufferable Jessie is still around and he isn't! Keep your chin up, Wounded Bear. Ahummina hummina. Who knows? You might even get to come back. It is a well known fact that wounded black bears awaken from their hibernation perfectly healed. Jury is your hibernation, J-U-DD. Use it to heal. And when you awaken, ahummina hummina, girls from here to Wal-Mart will be throwing themselves at your feet. Let's recap, shall we?

A fast paced night filled with cheers and tears left a lot of Big Brother fans waking up with sad faces today. Namely, McCrae and Andy, but more on that later. Let's tend to some housecleaning first. So, Candice went home with a unanimous 7-0 vote followed by Aryan win HOH. Aryan nominated Spencer and Jessie for eviction. The blonde powerhouse continued her winning streak by also winning POV. Here is where things get interesting. Over the week Amanda has convinced herself that J-U-DD was up to no good and working against her. Since Amanda pretty much runs the house, Aaryan used her POV and replaced Jessie with J-U-DD. Ugh! Why?!? Yes, I am an Amanda fan, but, no, I am not happy about this. If I have to listen to Jessie analyze another one of her stupid dreams, I'll kill myself. Long story short, J-U-DD went home 6-0.


The feeds come back and, surprisingly, everyone is pretty down about J-U-DD's eviction. Everyone, that is, except for Jessie. Jessie could be heard whining in that horrible valley girl twang of hers, "Karma is a bitch! J-U-DD went home because he told me to shut the fuck up." It is true that J-U-DD told Jessie to shut the fuck up earlier in the day, but he wasn't tempting karma. He was doing the Lord's work! Everyone wants Jessie to shut the fuck up. EVERYONE. She's needy, homely and whiny.


So, everyone is sad and quiet. We see Andy in the corner wiping away his tears and questioning whether or not he made the right decision with his vote. Someone in the room breaks the morose silence and says, "He went out in his bear shirt." Amanda asks Elvira (Elissa) if Candice was wearing Elvira's belt when she was evicted (Candice has a nasty habit of borrowing other people's things without asking). Elvira replies in the affirmative and says she'll get it back from Candice in the Jury house. An interesting statement, if you ask me. Does Elvira assume she won't make it to the final two?


Speaking of Amanda, she also starts to cry and says that J-U-DD was the biggest BB fan next to McCrae. BUT, he was in a shitload of alliances - including one where he had a final two deal with Aryan (This is mainly why Amanda wanted J-U-DD gone. With J-U-DD out of the picture, she can have Aryan to hersself.) Amanda tells the group that she is convinced J-U-DD was trying to get her out of the game (Not really. Not yet. Jessie has been though.) Still, love or hate Amanda, she has successfully run yet another HOH.


And then we have VaGina (GinaMarie). VaGina, in her bright blue not-Nick's hat is mad that Candice went out like a slag. She's not classy, yo! Sta-en Island represent! I need to interject here in order to discuss another misused word. Today's lesson is about the word "classy". Candice thinks she is classy and VaGina thinks she is classy. Sorry home skillets, neither of you are classy. When trying to decipher whether or not someone is truly classy, ask yourself, "Would Catherine Deneuve do that? Would Kate Middleton shriek at the top of her lungs like that?" If the answer to either of these questions is no, then you are NOT CLASSY. I can freely admit that I, too, am not classy. As I type this, there is an empty yogurt next to my bed and a thong thrown on a chair. Would Kate Middleton do that? Probably not.

Back to VaGina... VaGina is mad Candice went out like a piece of trash since VaGina left her such a nice goodbye message. VaGina then, for reasons only known to herself, says, "I live wit my mom and drive a piece of shit car! I live in a piece of shit room and wear blue contacts!" I don't what that has to do with the price of tea in China, but there you go. A little VaGina wisdom to get your day started.

Meanwhile, Andy says that voting out J-U-DD was the hardest decision he's ever had to make. Helen jumps in and they both tell Jessie that they couldn't let her know about the plan to get rid of J-U-DD. Andy tells Jessie that J-U-DD really wanted her out of the game - what's wrong with that?! Jessie replies, "Why me?!" Helen mentions that it had something to do with Howard (?). Amanda then enters and tells the group that J-U-DD would tell her things and then tell her not to tell Andy about it. Jessie seems pleased to know that everyone was trying to protect her (they weren't. Amanda was protecting herself) and she actually appears to have forgiven Amanda for all their past b.s..

Aryan then enters and laments, "Two members of Jury hate my guts!" Helen quickly tells her that it was the biggest move in Big Brother history. Aryan sighs and says that she is glad she won the HOH she did. She didn't want to win the next one. She says she has slept up in the HOH room too much already.

The sadness then suddenly turns to relief. Andy is relieved to have the $13,000 he'll make since he lasted until Jury. He quit his job before entering the game and needs that money. Jessie, too, is relieved. You know who's not relieved? Me. ME! When Jessie is happy, I feel all sorts of things. Relief is not one of them.


But then, THEN!, the camera quickly switches to the cockpit where one lingering sentence hangs in the air. McCrae is heard whispering to Spencer that Amanda will beat him and she has to go home. OH. MY. GOD. Amanda and Andy then enter the cockpit and the conversation turns to Howard and Eyebrows (Kaitlin). Aryan and VaGina then enter and both bitch about Candice's speech. Aryan then says Candice is a racist which totally makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Mean girl Aryan is my favorite Aryan. I prefer her over sweet and nice Aryan any day of the week. The room then compliments Spencer on his speech during eviction.

VaGina then tells Andy that she heard J-U-DD saying his name. Andy stares back at her very confused. Basically, VaGina has no idea what she's talking about. VaGina NEVER has any idea what she's talking about. She says, "I don't like to tawk. Conferdentialiality and all that shit. I ain't no fuckin' rat, but J-U-DD is gone so..." *scratches head* Umm, thank you, VaGina. Thank you for your contributions to society.

Back in one of the bedrooms, Elvira and Jessie now want the Diary Room to start giving them Adderall. They blame all of Aryan's wins on Adderall which is ridiculous because look at Amanda. Amanda takes Adderall too and she hasn't won shit! Plus, you should know, that just the night before Elvira was busy telling everyone that Adderall is like crystal meth. Elvira is a twit.

Speaking of Amanda not winning any competitions, she lost another one last night. The second HOH competition was last night and, get ready, heyyy Andy won! Andy is overjoyed, naturally, but Amanda became extremely upset because she still hasn't won anything. Helen tries to console Amanda and tell her that she is the best strategic player in the house. Helen says that she thought she'd be good at everything too, but it turns out that she's not.

The day ended with McCrae crying over J-U-DD and claiming that his game is over now. Amanda tries to console him saying that if he makes it to final two, J-U-DD will definitely vote for him. She also tells him that if they both make it to final two, she definitely won't win and she's ok with that. She really wants McCrae to win.

So, what did you think of last night's show? What's up with Aryan kicking ass in all the challenges? Do you think a Jury member will return to the game? Will McCrae start plotting against Amanda? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

CBS Interactive Inc.



31 comments:

  1. Colette! Thank goodness you're back. I tried to pretend all last week that I didn't really need this blog cause there are plenty of other BB blogs online. But I finally had to admit that I genuinely missed your dry sarcasm and witty interjections.(Sorry to be creepy : ) Anyway, I agree that GinaMarie is thoroughly without class. And unfortunately for Candice, who I believe is more civilized than VaGina, she let the horrible people in that house bring out the worst in her. I understand her desire to call them out as she was being evicted, but she should have done it in a way that would not have allowed that moron from Staten Island to make a mockery of the whole thing. I'm sorry, GinaMarie is trash; she's a predator and an idiot: what a horrible combination! Poor Candice was trying defend herself at the last minute. Failed.

    And as for Amanda, I think she's equally horrible, but just might win this shit. I don't know how these sheep let her run them! I hope McCrae votes her out.

    I am preparing myself for the feeling of utter horror that is going to come upon me when Amanda and Aryan are the final two bitches left in this game.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lovely lady lala, my classy bitch! You have class oozing out from your toes in comparison to GM. Ah....drama. Love it.

    Also, interesting side note here. I live just outside Chicago, and have a friend who is going to dupage for school (Andy's school.) She was super pissed because a couple of weeks ago, she signed up for classes with Andy because she'd heard great things about him, not knowing he was on big brother. They only JUST canceled his classes like....last night lol. So, if jazz hands there did legitimately quite, his job did not get the memo until now.

    -Elle Rose

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think Andy is just taking a semester off because last night he said something that implied that he will be back next semester, of course unless he wins!

      Delete
    2. Ella - I work at a college and one of the things I've seen admin do is try to fund an adjunct to teach first rather than outright cancel the class. so maybe they were going someone else would teach or Andy would get booted before jury before canceling the class. because if they cancel - they have to refund money if it's been paid for. as bad as things are for some colleges right now, that's probably a last resort.

      Delete
  3. Thank you! While I love the podcast I was broken hearted on a daily basis this week without your blog! It was just crushing to have the page load and say out loud Pill Envy hoping a new title would come up.
    I needed my Bitchy fix more than my Adderall! I think I need to read this twice!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes!! Lol, I did the same thing. Every day it just kept saying Pill Envy and I was waiting and waiting for a new post!

      Delete
  4. I am probably in the minority here, but IF an evicted houseguest returns, I choose Candice.
    I did not expect to like her, but she was my favorite . She was smart, she figured things out and had no problem stirring the pot, going against the house and she actually wanted and (somewhat) tried to make moves. Hard to do when all you have is Jessie whose allegiance changes by the minute.
    JUDD is a nice enough dude (that Xanax was doing a helluva job last night during the exit interview) but he brought nothing to the game. If he returns, it is the same old, same old.
    Candice? I see folks shitting bricks, hiding behind others and paranoia would run rampant as hell, if only for a week.

    ReplyDelete
  5. What do you mean saying Jessie is homely? She told us she's the pretty one, the very first night. And they ALWAYS hate the pretty ones!

    ReplyDelete
  6. GM and Amanda are trash, period. I have never seen grown woman act so terribly. I thought Aryan set the bar low, but they slid right under it. The only silver lining to EITHER of those failed abortions is that Amanda's boyfriend at home dodged a huge bullet by losing her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OOOOOOOOOOOO WEEEEEEEEEee. failed abortions........wow.........

      Delete
  7. Stumbled apon this & I have to admit, I love love love your sarcasm! Excellent review!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Why oh why didn't Julie tell the HGs about America being MVP? That could have saved poor Judd. I really hope he gets a chance to come back into the game somehow. I feel bad he has to spend a whole week alone with Candace in jury.
    Your blog post was extra hilarious today so thanks for all the entertainment!

    ReplyDelete
  9. They will wait for Elvira's eviction, and then announce America gets to choose which houseguest returns. It's Grodner's Plan 9 to keep her Reilly in the game.

    ReplyDelete
  10. First of all where the hell have you been for the past week?! I thought you died or something but then I heard your BB Gossip show so I knew you were at least alive. Missed your blog, glad you're back. Now let's get down to business.

    I don't know why everyone thinks Amanda is running things. It was Helen that convinced Aryan last night to backdoor Judd. It has been Helen who has convinced all of the HOH's to put up certain people and then convinced her "friends" to vote them out. It has been Helen that has told MVP Elissa who to put up and who to vote out. Helen is the real mastermind behind EVERYTHING. But I like Helen and would like to see her win cuz I think she is genius. To be able to manipulate EVERYONE in the house the way she has is Fan-tab-u-lous. She even said last night that getting Amanda out makes her the next big target so she needs to keep Amanda.

    I am sick of Amanda's shit but kind of agree with Helen. As long as Amanda stays in there and keeps causing all the drama it keeps the heat off of Helen.

    I did not read the live feed blogs for Wed. and Thurs. and was not aware of the plan to back door Judd. I was positive Jessie was leaving and was so shocked and pissed when they back doored Judd. I finally caught up with the reading last night and realized that they had been planning that all day long. I am kind of glad I didn't know ahead of time cuz it would have ruined my whole day.

    I am glad Judd finally told Jessie the whine baby to shut her friggin trap. I just wish everyone would quit suckin each others asses whenever they cry like little bitches. McCrae keeps following Amanda whenever she leaves the room to throw a tantrum and kissing her ass to try and get her to stop. Just let her go off in a corner by herself and be a little crybaby. When she sees he's not going to follow her around like a little puppy dog she'll get over it.

    The same goes for VaGina, Everyone keeps kissing her ass whenever she has a crybaby hissy fit. Just ignore her and she'll realize nobody gives a shit and she will get the fuck over it.

    I hope it is not another damn week before you blog again. Keep up the excellent work bitch.

    ReplyDelete
  11. If McCrae said more words then "yeah" and "uh huh", he might be doing a little better in the game. (Also love that you blogged again!!)

    ReplyDelete
  12. I badly want to see McStrange stab Xmanda in the back, breast, thigh or any other of her chicken parts. I think it has finally dawned on him that he's throwning away half a mil for a women he's gonna hate in 3 months! I wasn't worried about Xanax DD being back doored because none of these pussies have the juice to do that except of course for Poopy. Apparently his downfall was trying to make out with Poopy and ButterScotch, two things that obviously don't mix. I too hope ButterScotch is Levon this week and the wars began.

    ReplyDelete
  13. The living embodiment of Boomhauer from "King of the Hill"...Judd was a beer and Skynyrd away from happy normalcy again anyway...He should have actually played the game if he wanted to get further...LOL...Candice would have slapped Gina Marie into next week if she ever really lost it...she at least spared us some WWE mayhem...(gratuitous violence: YAY!)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Loved the Wounded Bear analogy! The bear shirt is officially gone...
    Okay onto GM. She is the most disgusting and nasty person ever. The revolting sounds that come out of every orifice of her body, it is no wonder why she is 33 and can't find a man. She is clueless - clueless, I say. I would like to see someone from Staten Island speak up and please tell us that GM is not the norm for that community. Rat, didn't she say something about a rat? Well, I swear last night when the back of her nasty hair was to the camera, I saw a rat peaking out of that mess on top of her head which she calls "her world". There is nothing worse than an unattractive person who boasts of their beauty. I hope Andy follows through and gets her out.

    JayEs

    ReplyDelete
  15. I could forgive Amanda a lot of things but her victim tantrum at never winning was disgusting. If ever you needed proof that what we hate about others is what we hate in ourselves, then look no further than Amanda and Jessie. I almost wrote Am off but fortunately Helen came in to blow her comfort smoke and wrestle back the focus of detestability.
    Please, please let her get her comeuppance ASAP. I beg that Andy laughs as he twists the knife. Oh, and I hate Elissa too.

    ReplyDelete
  16. If everyone was so upset to see J-U-DD leave, maybe they shouldn't have "sadly voted" for his eviction. The way Chenbot was hinting, maybe they'll have a vote to see who America wants back in the game (a la Kayser)?

    ReplyDelete
  17. Totally blindsided by J U DDs eviction. He was the only character I really liked on this disgusting season. Gotta say his 2 timing Aaryn and Jessie is a classic pimp mistake. I am over Amanda. When she has time to review this season she will be ashamed. McCrae maybe on the verge of growing a backbone. I would love to see him call of the bb marriage. thanks lala for your tireless commitment to this blog. COYS.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Thank God you are back. Missed the best BB blog out there. I find myself pecking rocks w these boring HG's that won't rock the boat. Lets hope Andy does something this week. I sure hope Nick has joined the witness protection program. VaGina is scary and is seriously a dope.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Amanda should get a letter and hoh basket every week.

    I really thought no season could be as bad as the one with Enzo and the boys, I was wrong. Hope no one wins.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Anonymous, let me reassure you that the majority of girl's on Staten Island are nothing like GM.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Love this blog! Completely agree. I was an Amanda fan until last week. The vulgarity was hard enough to tolerate, the sight of those boobs hanging there no matter what she was given to wear....bleeech! But the incredibly closed mind was too much--whatever her skull is made of, our space program should be given the formula--nothing can penetrate, even radioactive rays from a super nova. The paranoia showed that she cannot trust anyone (which is the best way to judge what's in her heart and head), and worse, she was sabotaging McCrae on purpose, removing his only alternative to going to the end with her--now he has no 2d to turn to. McCrae has only Amanda now! Spencer better watch out as he gets closer to McCrae...

    I loved the comments above. There was nothing to watch on the feeds last night with Judd gone. My favorite player. To those who say he wasn't playing the game, have you watched the feeds at night? He was the only HG talking game every night after the Bimbo Bible Alliance put away their false eyelashes and hair extensions, prayed to God to give them the money (and some Adderall and alcohol), and then zoned out the rest of the way... He had alliances with Jessie (unspoken, implicit promises to protect each other), Aaryn (who knows what she thought the alliance was for, except to make Jessie jealous?), Spencer (final 5 to final 2 depending...), and the original Goof Troop final 4. He was loyal to all but Jessie (understandable because who can even tolerate her delusions and whining?). Esp to Amanda--who originated the "dump Judd" M.O. for Thursday, which was jumped on by Helen, who just got the numbers to destroy Amanda, the idiot, gleefully evicting her strongest ally, cutting her numbers to let Helen rule again... ]

    My favorite moment was all time champion liar, Helen, telling Aaryn that she's like Jani--who immediately tweeted that they were "morons." LOL I think Helen knows America is the MVP who nominated Amanda. America was the vote the first weeks when giving the title to Elissa. BB wouldn't pull America's vote to give it to someone else and not without a reset. Helen is trained in politics--which requires people to pretend they are idiots to communicate with other idiots to get their votes on phoney issues for false purposes. She's good at it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Helen is trained in politics--which requires people to pretend they are idiots to communicate with other idiots to get their votes on phoney issues for false purposes."

      Lovely prose cyninbend. You too Colette!

      Delete
  22. I'm not sure which is funnier: Your excellent blog or the shit you are getting from people for being gone from our worlds! Don't they know you don't take direction? Kidding aside, I missed you, too. I wondered if you had ditched your writing for your Podcast. Anyway, glad you're back and loved seeing that "New Blog Up!"

    ReplyDelete
  23. I loved this blog, but I do not like your calling Jessie homely. Even the houseguests I despise, I would not want to call ugly because for some reason, being called ugly stings a lot worse than being called whiny or immature; especially for someone like Jessie. That's my opinion though, and you wear yours quite well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Did I call her ugly? I don't think I ever said ugly. Homely is decidedly more descriptive. I'm a wordsmith!

      Delete
  24. VaGina has completely disgusted me! The comments she made on the show about Candice being adopted and not even her mom loving her was about as LOW CLASS as you can get! Last night on after dark I heard her commenting how Candice must be a crack baby. VaGina is clearly a pathetic loser and her reaction to Candice stating the obvious is clearly to grasp at straws that don't exist... Most of the nonPC stuff has gone in one ear and out the other, but this really rubbed me wrong.....

    ReplyDelete