It was supposed to be so simple. It was supposed to be a learning experience. Teach a woman a lesson and get her back (for the first time) into your hunky muscular tribal-tattooed waiting arms. But as we all know, "The best laid plans of rhinestone cowboys often go awry." Love, that tricky trickster, can't be planned. The line from point A to point B is rarely ever straight. Instead, it's more like a polygraph with peaks and valleys, zigs and zags, lies and manipulations. So while the world's rhinestones have collectively dimmed on this most solemn of days, let us remember something Ray Bradbury said, "But you can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them." I guess it takes some people longer than others to recognize the wreckage for what it is. Let's recap, shall we?
So it is the morning of the big POV Ceremony and the fit is about to hit the shan! Man Hands Caleb thinks Amber will be going up in Jocasta's place as a way to teach her a lesson. Actually, to teach her many lessons. Lessons like... 1) Say thank you when a bedazzled cattle wrangler risks $500,000 for you 2) Say yes to an offer of a date and mean it 3) Never ever ever thank others for blankets when the blankets came from only one lone star, not four. 4) And lastly, get your passport in order because you're going on a cruise, no questions asked.
All of these lessons were meant to make Amber see the error of her ways and run
And so, Caleb was confident. He was John Travolta struttin' confident. He unbuttoned his shirt, flashed his boxer briefs, put on his struttin' boots and got himself ready for Amber to come a' runnin'. And then the POV Ceremony happened...
Firstly, Hayden didn't take Jocasta off the block. He took Victoria off the block. This would have been quite the shock for Caleb only Hayden had the wherewithal to tell Caleb beforehand that he was taking Victoria down since Victoria picked him to play for her in the POV comp. Caleb understood, shined his belt buckle and continued to wait with open arms.
Secondly, Zach was supposed to give some sort of epic speech outlining all the ways that Amber has dissed Caleb. I'm a little confused as to why Zach would be talking at all. Hayden won the POV and Frankie is the actual HOH. Ah, who cares? I think it should be mandatory for Zach to give speeches whenever he lifts his head from his pillow. The speech was designed to make Amber feel bad, but apparently she just sat there with a stupid smile on her face and acted unfazed. Can she be even more boring?!
This brings us to the feeds turning back on. We all huddled around our laptops and flipped from camera to camera. Camera 1... Where's Caleb? Where's Amber? Camera 2... Is Frankie talking about his dead grandpa again? Camera 3... Is Zach working on a folllow-up speech? Is he doing his evil devil laugh? Camera 4... Oh, it's Derrick and Pussy (Cody). Ugh, ok. I guess they'll do.
So Derrick and Pussy are sitting in the Hive and Pussy is doing that thing he does best... embracing paranoia with all of his might. Remember how last week he was skerred over Caleb coming after him? Well now he's freaked out about his best good friend Zach. Never mind the fact the house is waiting for Caleb to explode. Never mind how Amber might be crying somewhere. Pussy is chattering his chompers over how one day, no one knows when, but one day Zach will come after him.
In additions to being scared of Zach, it really chaps Pussy's ass when Caleb struts all over the house claiming he's a beast when he's only won one competition. Caleb keeps telling everyone he's the number one target when, in all likeliness, Frankie, Hayden, and probably Veronica will beat him in a future comp.
Upstairs, Zach is very pleased with himself except for one tiny thing. He really wants everyone in the house to hate him, but they just won't. Drat! Frankie giggles and tells Zach that he now needs to chill for the rest of the week. He's done his part now go night-night.
Meanwhile, Caleb is pacing in the backyard and waiting. Just waiting. Amber comes out at one point to get her laundry and doesn't say a word. She immediately heads back inside to fold it. And fold it she does! Thin-lipped and with lots of huffs, she balls up her khakis, ties her t-shirts into knots and strings her bras together all in a neat pile. Grrrr Amber, grrr! Donny watches her and mumbles, "Aye know how yer fill." Amber snaps something back about being the only girl in the house (no you're not) and how she's used to betrayal. Wahhh wahhh.
After putting her clothes conveniently next to Valerie's make-up brushes (that Amber likes to steal make-up supplies), she clops into the Hive to have a word with Pussy about why she's on the block. Pussy, Sarah Bernhardt herself, shrugs his shoulders and claims innocence, "I'm just as confused as you are!" Amber whines that she doesn't understand why they didn't backdoor Zach. Derrick and Pussy tell her over and over again, "We're voting to keep you." (No they're not) They say that they have no idea what Frankie was thinking. Derrick then tells Amber that she has to get Caleb's vote.
Amber sighs and says, "I don't know if this is personal." Derrick replies, "Are you kidding me?! Didn't you listen to the speech? Of course it's personal!" Folks, this girl is an idiot. Amber then tells Derrick and Pussy that they need to go talk to Christine and Nicole for her. Why Amber, why? Why can't you do your own campaigning?
Amber then puts on an act to end all acts. She tells the boys that if this is all about Caleb and how she doesn't want a relationship with him, she has very specific reasons for not wanting a relationship with him. She insists she won't share her reasons with the boys, but then she basically shares her "reasons" with the boys. She gets up, the tears start and she says that she lost someone close to her and that's why she doesn't want another relationship. *Achoo "BULLSHIT!"* Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Amber doesn't want a relationship with Caleb because she doesn't like him like that. That's it! He's a douchey weirdo douchebag and she's not attracted to that. So don't give me this crap that some personal tragedy is keeping your love from Caleb. Look, if you want to play the sex game, play it! If you want to flirt, flirt! If you want to manipulate, I'm all over it! But don't go around the house claiming to be the innocent princess when all you are is a lousy player. Don't insult us like that.
Up in the HOH, Zach is busy pumping up Caleb. He high fives Beast Mode Cowboy and says how stunned he was when Hayden used the POV on Victoria (lie). Caleb explains how Hayden explained that to him beforehand and how it makes sense to him now, "At the end of the day, we control Valhalla's vote."
Caleb then comments how he kept his head covered during the POV ceremony. Zach exclaims, "Dude, that was money!" Caleb mumbles, "It was golden." Oh sure Amber could be confused and crying and all that jazz, but what Caleb is really hoping is that CBS airs everything that went down in the POV Ceremony. Me too, Caleb. Me too!
Pussy then enters the HOH and says that Amber was crying and can't figure out why Zach didn't go on the block instead of her. He recaps the Hive convo to them and when he's done, Zach cracks us all up by telling Caleb, "That plan you came up with, genius! That was fucking genius!" Haha!
Hold onto your reins cowgirls and cowboys because here comes what will turn out to be trouble...
Frankie then enters the HOH and without taking a breath says that they were all right in their assumption of Amber. She absolutely isn't trustworthy and has already been seen talking to Nicole. Caleb, my sweetness in his shiny new boat shoes, doesn't even exhale. The room is silent.
Dun, dun, DUN!
Frankie leaves as quickly as he entered. Caleb's only reply to all of this most unsettling news is, "You guys have to tell Amber, 'Why are you talking to everybody, but Caleb? He's the one you should be talking to.'"
Frankie magically reappears after talking with Vlad downstairs. Now he says, "Amber is already trying to start a new girl's alliance with Christine and Nicole." Zach asks, "Should I go down and blow it up?" Frankie cries, "No!" Zach says, "Well then put me in a cage and throw away the key!"
Yadda yadda yadda, Pussy bitches about Zach some more to Hayden. Yadda yadda yadda Hayden says if next week is a Double Eviction, he'll get rid of Zach over Caleb.
And this brings us to what we've all been waiting for - the big Caleb and Amber confrontation! He'll don his chaps, tell her what's what and then slam the saloon door in her face! Right? Right?!
Wellllll, not exactly.
Ok so Caleb is in the Hive reading the Good Book (Fifty Shades Of Grey) when Amber enters. She asks him if he has anything to say to her and he replies, "No! Do you have anything to say to me?" You see, Caleb doesn't like to speak first. Ever! In order to talk to Caleb, you have to contact his secretary and schedule a meeting. Amber ignores the protocol and continues wanting to know if it was Zach's plan for her to go on the block. Caleb slams Fifty shut and says that it was his plan! Amber replies, "So it was personal?"
Caleb then reaches back for Fifty and says, "I want to read you this verse, 'You're not just a pretty face. You've had six orgasms so far and all of them belong to me." Amber scratches her head and wonders how he knew she's had six secret orgasms in the house. Finally she tells him to shut the damn book. Caleb sighs, adjusts his shorts, and tells Amber that she's on the block because she said she didn't trust anyone in the house. Amber insists she's been loyal to the Turdaflambé Squad. To which Caleb tells her that she was put up to test her loyalty.
And THEN he tells her that it was all a big test to see if she'd out the Calling Dr. Bombay Squad and blow them all up (Caleb! Shush!). Ole Diarrhea Mouth continues and tells her how he heard she went to Nicole to try to start a new Vagina Alliance. Amber denies the claim and wants to bring Nicole in to straighten this out. Amber then says, "This is a big slap in the face to me!" Caleb replies only how Caleb knows how, "What about ME?" Yeah Amber, what about Caleb?! You selfish cow.
Eventually Caleb goes to hunt down Nicole. He says I want to read you this verse from the Good Book, "I don't make love. I fuck... HARD." Nicole looks at him quizzically, squeaks out, "Zach!" and then runs away to find Christine.
Caleb then moseys over to the backyard where he asks Derrick if all of this was Zach's doing. Derrick says that Frankie told him about him the new Vagina Alliance. And then suddenly it all dawns on Caleb. Aha! Frankie wants Amber out of the game!
Caleb runs back to Amber with what he has discovered. He tells her how Frankie and Zach must have orchestrated all of this and that everyone knew about it. But don't you worry your pretty little head, Amber, Caleb is gonna blow this mutha up and rid the house of the infidels!
Outside of the Hive it is chaos. Chaos I tell you! Frankie gets a whiff that things are unravelling so he heads to the Hive to talk to Caleb. Privately. Only, Amber won't leave. Frankie says, "Oh ok, I just left Pussy out back in a jock strap oiling up. He's about to work out." Amber leaps up off her seat and races out the door.
Now we are left with a very heated and confused Caleb. He's so heated that he can't sit down. He must stand for this. Frankie, on the other hand, lies back and gets comfortable. Caleb asks Frankie why he told him up in the HOH that Amber was trying to form a Vagina Alliance. Caleb says he talked to Nicole and Nicole was acting very strange and blamed Zach. Caleb then insists that Amber never tried to form any Vagina Alliance. Frankie calmly replies, "Fine, but how does that change that Amber is trying to get rid of us?"
Frankie then collects himself and says, "You just threw me under the bus to Amber and I don't appreciate it. Go get Nicole." Nicole enters whining, "Oh my gawwwwd, I don't want to be pulled around. I'm getting frustraaated."
Caleb then asks Nicole if Amber tried to form a Vagina Alliance. Nicole says that Amber said she kind of knew she was going up and that the girls should work together to go after the guys. Frankie then asks Nicole if Amber said anything about the date last week. Nicole says that Amber said that she has no feelings for Caleb at all and went on the date so she wouldn't have to tell him no.
The wind immediately goes out of Beast Mode Cowboy's sails and he looks at the ground forlorn and lost. Nicole says again, "Amber said that the girls should stick together." Oh just twist the knife, why don't you?!
Caleb can no longer stand. He sits and leans his head against the wall. His copy of the Good Book tumbles to the floor.
Caleb then puts his head in his hands and says repeatedly, "I don't know, Frankie. I don't know." Frankie tells him, "Caleb, Amber is doing everything everyone said she was. She's lying to you. She's lying to you about the motherfucking date. You're going to go home and you're going to see the DR sessions and you're going to be so upset. I'm sorry. I should have told you earlier, but I didn't want to hurt you. You are blinded by her and now you're making mistakes for her. She doesn't love you like you love her."
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD
And that's where we'll end this today. Woo doggy! What a day! Was it good for you? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!