At The End Of The Day

It was supposed to be so simple. It was supposed to be a learning experience. Teach a woman a lesson and get her back (for the first time) into your hunky muscular tribal-tattooed waiting arms. But as we all know, "The best laid plans of rhinestone cowboys often go awry." Love, that tricky trickster, can't be planned. The line from point A to point B is rarely ever straight. Instead, it's more like a polygraph with peaks and valleys, zigs and zags, lies and manipulations. So while the world's rhinestones have collectively dimmed on this most solemn of days, let us remember something Ray Bradbury said, "But you can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them." I guess it takes some people longer than others to recognize the wreckage for what it is. Let's recap, shall we?

So it is the morning of the big POV Ceremony and the fit is about to hit the shan! Man Hands Caleb thinks Amber will be going up in Jocasta's place as a way to teach her a lesson. Actually, to teach her many lessons. Lessons like... 1) Say thank you when a bedazzled cattle wrangler risks $500,000 for you 2) Say yes to an offer of a date and mean it 3) Never ever ever thank others for blankets when the blankets came from only one lone star, not four. 4) And lastly, get your passport in order because you're going on a cruise, no questions asked.

All of these lessons were meant to make Amber see the error of her ways and run screaming from into this Romantic Cowboy's arms. In addition to the lessons, there were tests. Many many tests. Actually, there were no tests whatsoever, but the Detonbombtators wanted Caleb to believe there was a test. The alliance told Caleb that if Amber went up on the block and "blew up" the Bomb Squad (that everyone already knows about, mind you), then she is disloyal and needs to vamoose out of the house. But if she keeps her trap shut and becomes impregnated with a Cowbaby Reynolds, they'll go ahead and keep her.

And so, Caleb was confident. He was John Travolta struttin' confident. He unbuttoned his shirt, flashed his boxer briefs, put on his struttin' boots and got himself ready for Amber to come a' runnin'. And then the POV Ceremony happened...

Firstly, Hayden didn't take Jocasta off the block. He took Victoria off the block. This would have been quite the shock for Caleb only Hayden had the wherewithal to tell Caleb beforehand that he was taking Victoria down since Victoria picked him to play for her in the POV comp. Caleb understood, shined his belt buckle and continued to wait with open arms.

Secondly, Zach was supposed to give some sort of epic speech outlining all the ways that Amber has dissed Caleb. I'm a little confused as to why Zach would be talking at all. Hayden won the POV and Frankie is the actual HOH. Ah, who cares? I think it should be mandatory for Zach to give speeches whenever he lifts his head from his pillow. The speech was designed to make Amber feel bad, but apparently she just sat there with a stupid smile on her face and acted unfazed. Can she be even more boring?!

This brings us to the feeds turning back on. We all huddled around our laptops and flipped from camera to camera. Camera 1... Where's Caleb? Where's Amber? Camera 2... Is Frankie talking about his dead grandpa again? Camera 3... Is Zach working on a folllow-up speech? Is he doing his evil devil laugh? Camera 4... Oh, it's Derrick and Pussy (Cody). Ugh, ok. I guess they'll do.

So Derrick and Pussy are sitting in the Hive and Pussy is doing that thing he does best... embracing paranoia with all of his might. Remember how last week he was skerred over Caleb coming after him? Well now he's freaked out about his best good friend Zach. Never mind the fact the house is waiting for Caleb to explode. Never mind how Amber might be crying somewhere. Pussy is chattering his chompers over how one day, no one knows when, but one day Zach will come after him.

In additions to being scared of Zach, it really chaps Pussy's ass when Caleb struts all over the house claiming he's a beast when he's only won one competition. Caleb keeps telling everyone he's the number one target when, in all likeliness, Frankie, Hayden, and probably Veronica will beat him in a future comp.

Upstairs, Zach is very pleased with himself except for one tiny thing. He really wants everyone in the house to hate him, but they just won't. Drat! Frankie giggles and tells Zach that he now needs to chill for the rest of the week. He's done his part now go night-night.

Meanwhile, Caleb is pacing in the backyard and waiting. Just waiting. Amber comes out at one point to get her laundry and doesn't say a word. She immediately heads back inside to fold it. And fold it she does! Thin-lipped and with lots of huffs, she balls up her khakis, ties her t-shirts into knots and strings her bras together all in a neat pile. Grrrr Amber, grrr! Donny watches her and mumbles, "Aye know how yer fill." Amber snaps something back about being the only girl in the house (no you're not) and how she's used to betrayal. Wahhh wahhh.

After putting her clothes conveniently next to Valerie's make-up brushes (that Amber likes to steal make-up supplies), she clops into the Hive to have a word with Pussy about why she's on the block. Pussy, Sarah Bernhardt herself, shrugs his shoulders and claims innocence, "I'm just as confused as you are!" Amber whines that she doesn't understand why they didn't backdoor Zach. Derrick and Pussy tell her over and over again, "We're voting to keep you." (No they're not) They say that they have no idea what Frankie was thinking. Derrick then tells Amber that she has to get Caleb's vote.

Amber sighs and says, "I don't know if this is personal." Derrick replies, "Are you kidding me?! Didn't you listen to the speech? Of course it's personal!" Folks, this girl is an idiot. Amber then tells Derrick and Pussy that they need to go talk to Christine and Nicole for her. Why Amber, why? Why can't you do your own campaigning?

Amber then puts on an act to end all acts. She tells the boys that if this is all about Caleb and how she doesn't want a relationship with him, she has very specific reasons for not wanting a relationship with him. She insists she won't share her reasons with the boys, but then she basically shares her "reasons" with the boys. She gets up, the tears start and she says that she lost someone close to her and that's why she doesn't want another relationship. *Achoo "BULLSHIT!"* Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Amber doesn't want a relationship with Caleb because she doesn't like him like that. That's it! He's a douchey weirdo douchebag and she's not attracted to that. So don't give me this crap that some personal tragedy is keeping your love from Caleb. Look, if you want to play the sex game, play it! If you want to flirt, flirt! If you want to manipulate, I'm all over it! But don't go around the house claiming to be the innocent princess when all you are is a lousy player. Don't insult us like that.

Up in the HOH, Zach is busy pumping up Caleb. He high fives Beast Mode Cowboy and says how stunned he was when Hayden used the POV on Victoria (lie). Caleb explains how Hayden explained that to him beforehand and how it makes sense to him now, "At the end of the day, we control Valhalla's vote."

Caleb then comments how he kept his head covered during the POV ceremony. Zach exclaims, "Dude, that was money!" Caleb mumbles, "It was golden." Oh sure Amber could be confused and crying and all that jazz, but what Caleb is really hoping is that CBS airs everything that went down in the POV Ceremony. Me too, Caleb. Me too!

Pussy then enters the HOH and says that Amber was crying and can't figure out why Zach didn't go on the block instead of her. He recaps the Hive convo to them and when he's done, Zach cracks us all up by telling Caleb, "That plan you came up with, genius! That was fucking genius!" Haha!

Hold onto your reins cowgirls and cowboys because here comes what will turn out to be trouble...

Frankie then enters the HOH and without taking a breath says that they were all right in their assumption of Amber. She absolutely isn't trustworthy and has already been seen talking to Nicole. Caleb, my sweetness in his shiny new boat shoes, doesn't even exhale. The room is silent.

Dun, dun, DUN!

Frankie leaves as quickly as he entered. Caleb's only reply to all of this most unsettling news is, "You guys have to tell Amber, 'Why are you talking to everybody, but Caleb? He's the one you should be talking to.'"

Frankie magically reappears after talking with Vlad downstairs. Now he says, "Amber is already trying to start a new girl's alliance with Christine and Nicole." Zach asks, "Should I go down and blow it up?" Frankie cries, "No!" Zach says, "Well then put me in a cage and throw away the key!"

Yadda yadda yadda, Pussy bitches about Zach some more to Hayden. Yadda yadda yadda Hayden says if next week is a Double Eviction, he'll get rid of Zach over Caleb.

And this brings us to what we've all been waiting for - the big Caleb and Amber confrontation! He'll don his chaps, tell her what's what and then slam the saloon door in her face! Right? Right?!

Wellllll, not exactly.

Ok so Caleb is in the Hive reading the Good Book (Fifty Shades Of Grey) when Amber enters. She asks him if he has anything to say to her and he replies, "No! Do you have anything to say to me?" You see, Caleb doesn't like to speak first. Ever! In order to talk to Caleb, you have to contact his secretary and schedule a meeting. Amber ignores the protocol and continues wanting to know if it was Zach's plan for her to go on the block. Caleb slams Fifty shut and says that it was his plan! Amber replies, "So it was personal?"

Caleb then reaches back for Fifty and says, "I want to read you this verse, 'You're not just a pretty face. You've had six orgasms so far and all of them belong to me." Amber scratches her head and wonders how he knew she's had six secret orgasms in the house. Finally she tells him to shut the damn book. Caleb sighs, adjusts his shorts, and tells Amber that she's on the block because she said she didn't trust anyone in the house. Amber insists she's been loyal to the Turdaflambé Squad. To which Caleb tells her that she was put up to test her loyalty.

And THEN he tells her that it was all a big test to see if she'd out the Calling Dr. Bombay Squad and blow them all up (Caleb! Shush!). Ole Diarrhea Mouth continues and tells her how he heard she went to Nicole to try to start a new Vagina Alliance. Amber denies the claim and wants to bring Nicole in to straighten this out. Amber then says, "This is a big slap in the face to me!" Caleb replies only how Caleb knows how, "What about ME?" Yeah Amber, what about Caleb?! You selfish cow.

Eventually Caleb goes to hunt down Nicole. He says I want to read you this verse from the Good Book, "I don't make love. I fuck... HARD." Nicole looks at him quizzically, squeaks out, "Zach!" and then runs away to find Christine.

Caleb then moseys over to the backyard where he asks Derrick if all of this was Zach's doing. Derrick says that Frankie told him about him the new Vagina Alliance. And then suddenly it all dawns on Caleb. Aha! Frankie wants Amber out of the game!

Caleb runs back to Amber with what he has discovered. He tells her how Frankie and Zach must have orchestrated all of this and that everyone knew about it. But don't you worry your pretty little head, Amber, Caleb is gonna blow this mutha up and rid the house of the infidels!

Outside of the Hive it is chaos. Chaos I tell you! Frankie gets a whiff that things are unravelling so he heads to the Hive to talk to Caleb. Privately. Only, Amber won't leave. Frankie says, "Oh ok, I just left Pussy out back in a jock strap oiling up. He's about to work out." Amber leaps up off her seat and races out the door.

Now we are left with a very heated and confused Caleb. He's so heated that he can't sit down. He must stand for this. Frankie, on the other hand, lies back and gets comfortable. Caleb asks Frankie why he told him up in the HOH that Amber was trying to form a Vagina Alliance. Caleb says he talked to Nicole and Nicole was acting very strange and blamed Zach. Caleb then insists that Amber never tried to form any Vagina Alliance. Frankie calmly replies, "Fine, but how does that change that Amber is trying to get rid of us?"

Frankie then asks what Caleb's goal is. Caleb looks down at his well-read Fifty and he isn't really sure. Instead he says that they accused of Amber of blowing up the alliance to Nicole when it was really Zach who did it. And come to think of it, Caleb now thinks that everyone was lying to him when they told him Amber went on the date with him so she wouldn't hurt his feelings. She told hundreds of other people she had a great time! Frankie can't hold it in anymore and fights back some chuckles.

Frankie then collects himself and says, "You just threw me under the bus to Amber and I don't appreciate it. Go get Nicole." Nicole enters whining, "Oh my gawwwwd, I don't want to be pulled around. I'm getting frustraaated."

Caleb then asks Nicole if Amber tried to form a Vagina Alliance. Nicole says that Amber said she kind of knew she was going up and that the girls should work together to go after the guys. Frankie then asks Nicole if Amber said anything about the date last week. Nicole says that Amber said that she has no feelings for Caleb at all and went on the date so she wouldn't have to tell him no.

Oh. Shit.

The wind immediately goes out of Beast Mode Cowboy's sails and he looks at the ground forlorn and lost. Nicole says again, "Amber said that the girls should stick together." Oh just twist the knife, why don't you?!

Caleb can no longer stand. He sits and leans his head against the wall. His copy of the Good Book tumbles to the floor.

Caleb then puts his head in his hands and says repeatedly, "I don't know, Frankie. I don't know." Frankie tells him, "Caleb, Amber is doing everything everyone said she was. She's lying to you. She's lying to you about the motherfucking date. You're going to go home and you're going to see the DR sessions and you're going to be so upset. I'm sorry. I should have told you earlier, but I didn't want to hurt you. You are blinded by her and now you're making mistakes for her. She doesn't love you like you love her."

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

And that's where we'll end this today. Woo doggy! What a day! Was it good for you? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Meth Attack

(A Parisian night, 1892)

My great grandmother Nightingale Honeypot Lala was a fighter. A fighter! She fought against adversity in a tightly wound corseted world. When women sipped tea, she chugged gin. When men came calling, she tied them to her bed posts with an exquisite piece of old lace. She was a spitfire, that Nightie. My aunt Seraphima Biddy Lala was no slouch herself. She invented glitter. One night while she was shit faced with Toulouse-Lautrec in the 18th arrondissement, the sand she always held in her pockets (Virginia Woolf was a close friend) accidentally fell into her absinthe glass and created the most sparkling, the most shimmering, the most gleamingly brilliant chartreuse-colored tiny particles. Together, Toulouse and Será (for short) tossed her new invention off the top of the Eiffel Tower blanketing Paris in the most scintillating and majestic sparkle the city had ever seen. It is for these two women that I blog... and drink and throw glitter when I am joyful. Never forget where you come from, dear readers. Unless, of course, you're in the throes of a nationally televised game and ANY OUTSIDE INFORMATION AND ALLOWANCES ARE JUST PLAIN CHEATING!!! Let's recap, shall we?

OK so this is going to be short and sweet today for two reasons. Both of which are - Zach is insane! But I'm jumping ahead a bit. Here is what we know: Zach and Frankie have won HOH. Frankie won because he had an incredibly unfair sympathy advantage which has most likely already guaranteed him a final 3 position. Don't even get me started on this giant clusterfuck. But believe you me, I will have a shit load to say about it tomorrow night on the Big Brother Gossip Show. I have yet to do one of my epic rants and, I don't know, tomorrow just feels right. Don't miss it! Saturday at 10pm. Follow me on Twitter for links and iTunes info.

I'm going to try my best to summarize the labyrinth of crazy that took place last night so follow along if you can. When the feeds turned back on, Frankie was in full Frankie mode. He's oh so grateful for getting to receive yet another letter from home in addition to getting photos of his now deceased grandfather. Death is sad. Obviously. But we're also playing a game here, folks. A game where you're locked away from the outside world. A game where everyone should have the exact same chance as the next person to win. A game where production shouldn't bend to the ranting and raving of mentally incompetent fans on twitter. A game where one player shouldn't be allowed to give a 25 minute soliloquy to the viewing public.

So Frankie is sad and moved and grateful and once again giving an abridged version of that Oscar speech he practices in the mirror ever so often back at home. Obviously, I ignored every bit of this nightmare and decided to focus of Zach. Crazy - like Meth Crazy - Zach. You know how meth addicts like to take things like telephones and radios apart when they're high? Well, Zach likes to take apart the entire Big Brother game. He is the personification of a loose cannon. It is a wonder that he sleeps as much as he does because when he's awake, he's firing on all cylinders and giving everyone, viewers included, crazy anxiety.

Zach's grand master flash plan is to backdoor Caleb. Frankie seems to be on board with it, but who the hell knows. He's still thanking ole Jebediah Scrimples Grande for inventing air. In order for Zach to backdoor Caleb, he wants to nominate someone who will throw the BOB comp and keep Amber on the block. I know, I know, it's odd. Ideally, he wants to nominate Christine and Amber and have Christine throw the comp. That way Frankie gets to stay HOH, Amber stays on the block, possibly removes herself and Caleb goes up in her place. As any Big Brother fan can see, there are a lot of problems with this plan. What if Caleb gets picked to play in POV and wins? He'll take Amber off making them both safe which will undoubtedly make Zach a target next week. But that, my friends, is common sense. And we're talking about Zach here - where common sense doesn't exist.

Zach refuses to put up Victoria because he's finally gotten back into her good graces. He also refuses to put up Donny because Donny has been a pawn way too many times already. Then there's Christine. Zach is annoyed beyond belief that Christine has yet to do anything for the alliance - for any alliance! - Bomb Squad, Detonators, Douche Canoes, what have you. Zach firmly believes that Christine needs to prove her loyalty and agree to throw the BOB comp. The problem is that Christine says, "No way Jose!" She's seen the show too many times to throw a comp.

There were also some discussion about Zach putting up Hayden and maybe Nicole or maybe someone in Production. Maybe they'll agree to Zach's cockamamie plans. At one point Zach even had the balls to hint to Caleb that he should go on the block and throw the comp himself. Caleb simply batted his beastmode Covergirl eyelashes and said, "No siree bob." He's done with volunteering and he'll never do it again. Which brings us back to Christine. Zach hates her. All she does is giggle and flirt with Cody. She does nothing for the alliance and she needs to prove her loyalty.

Christine, the big mouth that she is, naturally goes to spill everything to her best good friend Nicole. Nicole kind of listens to it all and shrugs her shoulders. You see, Nicole has more important things on her mind - like keeping her own ass off the block.

So after hours of Zach flitting this way and that asking everyone to throw the BOB comp and then getting more heated and angry when everyone refuses, Zach decides he'll put up Christine and Amber. HOWEVER, there is one little problem with this. Princess Amber has told everyone that if she goes on the block again, she'll out the alliance and sing like a canary. Obviously, this scares the crap out of Pussy (Cody). He tells Zach, "You can't put her up! She'll out the alliance!" Zach replies, "To who, Victoria? Everyone already knows about the Bomb Squad." Pussy then popped a couple of Midols and placed a heating pad on his ovaries.

Zach then announces that he is adamant that he will not put up Nicole, Victoria or Donny. Until, that is, he talks to Nicole. He tells Nicole how he wants Christine to throw the comp, then have Amber win the POV so he can send Caleb home. Nicole listens and whines, "But I don't think you should put me up." Huh? Bitch, he wasn't talking about you! Nicole's M.O. in the game is to talk shit about everyone else in that godforsaken voice of hers and then whine whenever her name is mentioned. It's brutal.

After his talk with Nicole, Zach wonders if maybe he should just put up Nicole and Hayden and have Hayden throw the comp so they can backdoor Amber.  (I'm so fucking confused) I thought his target was Caleb, but now it might be Amber. Next it'll be Nona so she can join Grandpa. *throws hands in the air*

So while Zach is going ape shit insane pacing back and forth while wearing his HOH robe and hollering about getting Carrie-sized buckets of blood on his hands, the rest of his alliance is nervous. Frankie doesn't want to nominate Jocasta and Victoria. In all honesty, he'd rather not nominate anyone because he's a coward afraid to hurt anyone's feelings. Meanwhile, Pussy is scared that somehow all of this will backfire and make him a target (huh?) while Caleb, sweet Caleb, sits in the Hive busily carving a portrait of Amber into his arm with a plastic knife. It's madness, I tell you!

After more craziness with everyone and their dead grandfather being considered as options, Zach seems to have decided to nominate Christine and Nicole (Hey, what the hell happened to Amber?). His plan is to give an epic speech where he compares Christine to JennCity and says, "If you look up 'floater' in the dictionary, there will be a picture of you and JennCity holding hands." *giggles* He then plans on telling Nicole that she's a dingus froot loop of a super fan. I have no idea what that means. All I know is that I love the sound of it.

So where does that leave us? Hell if I know! One thing I can guarantee is lots of fireworks after Zach delivers his nominations today. No matter who he decides on, he'll deliver it in a way that only the Zach Attack can and people - probably everyone - are going to be pissed off. Bless his heart.

So, did you understand one word of what went on last night? Is Zach an evil genius putting on an act? Or does he simply need to up his Ritalin prescription? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Live Feed Subscriptions end TODAY!

Big Pussy

Annoying. Whiny. Selfish. The world revolves around them and, for some reason, everyone gives in to their every whim. "Gimme, gimme, gimme." "Love me, hold me, feed me." "Give all of your attention to me and don't you dare walk away!" What could I possibly be referring to? Who could possibly be so unnervingly selfish? No, dear readers, I'm not talking about Man Hands Caleb. I'm talking about babies! Those little life suckers who spread disease and scream on airplanes. I hate them! Let's recap, shall we?

The day started out innocently enough. It's POV Ceremony day and the plan is to replace Victoria with Donny keeping Jowls (Brittany) as the true target. Now, I'm not sure if you know this, but Donny has become quite the little game player. He knows alliances in this house exist and, more importantly, he knows that he is not a part of them. That Team America (fuck yeah) thing is all well and good, but Donny is increasingly dubious especially when it comes to Derrick's actions. Donny has the sneaking suspicion that Derrick is the house mastermind running all of the plays. And Donny would be absolutely right!
Try It Free! Get 24/7 access to the house PLUS more for 48hrs before you decide!

Whether it was Donny's fine-tuned intuition or something more mystical like a speaking-in-tongues phony freak named Jocasta, Donny has that not so fresh feeling that he is going on the block. The outwardly shy timid country boy takes his one last chance to convince Cody that my lover, Man Hands Caleb, should go up instead.

Donny goes up to the HOH to deliver a speech he has prepared to Cody. It goes something like, "I'int wawnt yew ta make uh deecijun fer yew. Don' play ether peeples games." Cody scratches his head and replies, "You gotta say more than that Donny." He then tells Donny that he has been thinking hard all weekend about maybe putting Caleb on the block (DON'T YOU DARE!), but that it might piss of some other people (YES IT WOULD). Donny nods in that hunky dory way of his and let's Cody continue to vent. You see, Cody is petrified of Caleb staying in the game and coming after him. He has this nagging feeling that next week will be a Double Eviction. Donny advises him to play for this week. He says you can't play for the weeks that aren't even here yet because you don't know who's in power.

Cody then starts going on about his brother at home and how his brother would call him a pussy and flush his head down the toilet if he doesn't nominate Caleb this week. Donny rightly takes the bait and calmly says, "Dew wut yer brother wood wawnt yew ta dew." Cody nods and says, "I think I've just made my decision." *panic panic fluster panic*

Cody then gets up and heads outside to where Frankie and Hayden are hanging out. He announces, "I'm putting Caleb up." In that moment, my world turned black. My nipples went inverted and my fallopian tubes curled up like one of those rolly polly bugs. If I don't have my Man Hands Caleb in the house, then I don't have my crazy and if I don't have my crazy, then there is no reason to live anymore. Fortunately, Frankie feels the way I do and mumbles, "I don't think that's a good idea." Hayden, however, nods and says, "Yo, I understand." (Die Hayden Die) Cody paces around some more and finally heads inside. As soon as he shuts the door behind him, Hayden says, "Yeah, that's probably not a good idea. *smacks self in head*

And then the feeds go down. I paced back and forth across my living room wringing my hands against one another. What if I lose my Caleb? What if he goes home and I don't get to see him shirtless on the broadcast anymore? What if I never hear, "I'm going Beast Mode Cowboy y'all!" ever again? It's too gruesome to imagine.

But you know what? I don't have to imagine it! It turns out that Cody is a giant pussy and didn't put Caleb on the block after all. And are we all a little bit thankful for that? Thank you Cody, you giant wonderful pussy you. You're a lovely welcoming warm pussy that we can all climb inside and curl up in. You're a pussy that just saved the feeds if you want to know the truth.

You know what this means, don't you? We have a new nickname! Cody will hereby be referred to as Pussy. So Pussy and Frankie are in the hammock swinging back and forth and talking about all sorts of pussy things. Pussy is absolutely terrified of Caleb finding out about how he almost put him on the block. He tells Frankie that he better keep his mouth shut about all of this. He says, "This better not come back to fuck me." But Pussy, pussies are meant to be fucked! Ba dum bum!

Pussy continues and moans about just how smooth Donny was went he entered Pussy's lair. I must admit that those smooth entries are sometimes nice. But what worried Pussy the most is having his brother call him Pussy when he gets home. Well, get used to it, buddy. Not only will your brother be calling you Pussy, but so will everyone who reads this here little bloggy blog. Hearing all of this, Frankie simply nods and tells Pussy, "Your brother will be proud of you."

Try It Free! Subscribe now to the official BB16 Live Feeds

Frankie then wonders if Jowls hinted to Donny that he was going on the block. Pussy isn't so sure and begins to hem and haw again over being such a... pussy! Frankie tells Pussy that he doesn't need to prove his manliness in the house. As a matter of fact, the move he just pulled was the most manly thing he could have done. Hayden then approaches the hammock and tells Pussy that Caleb is dumb as a rock and they can get rid of him at any time.

And this brings us to Jowls. Boy is she angry! With her jowls flapping in the breeze, she marches upstairs to Pussy's HOH room and begins an enormous bitch session of how it is all so unfair that she is on the block. She has kids, you see. Three of them! She came in the house and she has three kids (So?). She risked everything to come here. Her ex-husband is probably seeking full custody as she sits here right now playing this totally unfair game. Look, if you think you are in danger of having your screaming brats taken away from you, celebrate! Ha! Just kidding. Seriously though, don't go on Big Brother if you think your devil children will be taken from you. Don't hang out in bars and follow that silly recruitment whim to the very end where you find yourself on national TV for the entire summer.

I haven't the foggiest idea why people think Jowls has such a good game. All she does is bitch and whine and moan about how this is all so unfair. You know what's really unfair? Me having to listen to all of it. That's unfair! And my upchuck reflex begins to heave violently when Jowls talks about how she deserves to be there (She has kids! Kids!) when others don't deserve to be there. Look bitch, none of you deserve to be there. It's a game show. It's not a charity. You had an option to be there and you said yes so quit your bitching and start playing the damn game.

Back outside we find Caleb and Frankie sunbathing and talking about that often neglected topic: Amber. Caleb is mighty upset at how Zach keeps saying that Amber is playing the game and lying. Caleb insists that Amber is going anywhere until they get to Jury where he can lock her in a bedroom and seduce her. Zach, however, keeps saying that Amber is teaming up with the girls and starting a covert vagina alliance. Caleb scoffs at that saying that if Amber is talking to the girls, it's probably because she wants to talk about girl things like ribbons and buttons and periods.

Caleb continues and says that he really doesn't like how Zach wants Amber gone. It's not gonna happen! The other HG's might think that the Bomb Squad no longer exists, but it does because Caleb saved it with his washboard stomach and his "good talkin'."

After listening to all of this, Frankie remarks that they only have to win 1 more HOH, then they're all in the Jury. Caleb says that if it's a hanging competition he might not be able to win because of all his rippling muscles. Frankie might be able to though. He probably weighs about 35 lbs less than Caleb. Frankie nods and says that lighter and leaner is best. This week he'll work on that. Caleb agrees and says that he'll eat healthy this week too. He'll eat stuff like chicken and broccoli and sunshine. The sunshine gives him his inner glow.

Frankie then asks Caleb who he'd put on the block if he wins HOH. Caleb says he'll put Jocasta and Victoria up, but on opposite sides of the HOH, not together. Caleb wants to guarantee that Victoria goes home. He doesn't want her winnin' nothin'! Frankie says that the best way to make that happen is to put her up with Jocasta since Jocasta sucks in comps just as much as Victoria does.

Before we end this today, I'd like to discuss an incident that took place in the kitchen. It seems that Caleb hates pickles. He hates them so much that he's never eaten one. Ever! Apparently Amber told Caleb that if he ate a pickle, then she'd go out on a date with him. Reread that last sentence. Amber is not as innocent as everyone thinks she is. She's leading the poor guy on! Well, Caleb being Caleb (i.e. desperate for a date), Caleb accepts the challenge and prepares to eat the pickle.

And it doesn't exactly go well. While Frankie is shouting, "Swallow it! Swallow it!, Amber whines, "You don't have to eat it! You'll get sick!"

Caleb then starts to wretch and dry heave. He takes a drink of iced tea and gets back into pickle stance. Amber, with a worried look on her face, says, "Caleb, seriously, do NOT eat the pickle." Caleb then shoves the whole thing in his mouth which makes Nicole, who hates Amber and would love nothing more than to see her trapped into a date with Caleb, shout, "Ca-leb! Ca-leb!" Caleb starts to wretch so Nicole reprimands him, "No Caleb! Keep it down!" LOL She really hates Amber.

But if you know anything about Caleb then you know that he is a Beast Mode Cowboy with Man Hands. Obviously, Caleb swallows the pickle. Nicole is tickled pink and declares, "Caleb, I'm proud of you." Amber reluctantly gives Caleb a hug. Caleb tells her that the only way she's getting out of the date is if she eats a whole banana (Amber hates bananas). The scene ends with Frankie suggesting, "You guys should go on a date in the house!" I can't decide if that's a horrible or wonderfully awkward idea. Oh well. I'll think on it and get back to you.

And that is where I will end this today. So what do you think about Cody being a giant pussy? Are you as happy as I am? Will the tide turn and send Donny home instead of Jowls? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Love Save The Queen

Power does strange things to people. Some people flourish and prosper finding that inner leader they never knew they had. Other people let it go to their heads and rule with a giant douchey fist hurling their ultimatums across the land. The difference between the two is the difference between peace and unrest. Now, I don't know about you, but when it comes to Big Brother, I'll take a stinking pile of disharmony and war over a boring hand-holding feeling circle. Let's recap, shall we?

Since the house had a very late night Thursday, the HG's slept away most of Friday. Admittedly, I was busy enjoying the holiday yesterday so I wasn't able to catch too much in the house. However, there are two incidents that cannot be ignored. For all the rest and an update on the entire last week in the house, with colorful commentary of course, be sure to listen to the Big Brother Gossip Show tonight at 10 PM. It'll be a doozy of a show. Promise. You can download episodes for free on iTunes. listen live via Mixlr, or stream it online using Stitcher. Check out Big Brother Podcast for the details.

Alrighty then, let's get down to business. Yesterday, as we all know, was the 4th of July. It is a holiday of hot dogs, barbecues, picnics, and mosquito repellent. We gorge ourselves on noodle salad and watch Uncle Horatio drink too many brewskis while feeling up the neighbor. The kids run around taunting the dog with sparklers while Aunt Fanny impatiently fans the flies away from her Ambrosia Salad. It's a fun holiday! It's an outdoorsy holiday. It is friends, family, neighbors and that weird kid from down the street who eats his own boogers and smells like soup. The 4th of July commemorates the adoption of the Declaration Of Independence. This is a good thing. It is not a sad thing. It is not Memorial Day nor is it Veteran's Day. We're not commemorating dead soldiers, lives lost, or the pain of a nation in wartime. We are celebrating pride and joy. Yay!

Unfortunately, we have an HG who didn't get the memo on what a truly joyous occasion the Nation's Holiday is. Instead, Caleb does what Caleb does best. He makes the holiday all about HIM. With Caleb no longer in power and the object of his obsession paying him no never mind, Caleb marches himself up to the HOH room, sighs dramatically for effect and plops down on the couch. Diva (Devin) is already in the room getting ready for the day by picking out his panties and garters. Caleb sighs again and this time he adds some sniffles for effect. Diva, for some reason, starts talking about raisins and how he likes to snack on almonds which *sniffle sniffle* makes Caleb finally break his silence. He tells Diva how his DR sessions are *sniffle* getting to him.

Frankie then enters and is fussing around in the bathroom doing whatnot when Caleb again dries his eyes dramatically and casually mentions that he's ex-military. He tells Frankie that he should probably go downstairs and tell everyone how special Caleb is how special this day is and how none of them better not say anything stupid. OK so first, this day is about all Americans, not just you Creepy Caleb. Secondly, this is not a Veteran's holiday! Your tears are about a month late considering Memorial Day was in MAY. Lastly, what do you suppose any of your fellow HG's would say that could possibly set you off? Let's run through some possibilities shall we?

Donny: "Ah sher don' lahk it when my gurlfren' burns mah hawt dogs. Ah throw them burned ones over tha fence to them soldiers hangin' around. Meddlin' stragglers!"

or perhaps

Jocasta: "In Jesus name we pray. Thank you God for blessing this day with macaroni and please forgive all those evil godless soldiers for they know not what they do."

or maybe

Amber: "On the 4th of July, I always stop and think about how I'd never ever ever date a military man."


Caleb, you are ridiculous. And in so many ways! No one in the house will say anything derogatory about the military because the day ISN'T ABOUT THE MILITARY. Furthermore, you are probably the last thing on your fellow HG's minds right now. If anything, your buddies in the house are missing barbecues with their families and seeing the fireworks with friends. Remember how Amber said that you were too into yourself? And remember how it angered you because you insisted nothing could be further from the truth? Well, I point to you making Frankie go downstairs to warn everyone not to piss you off on this holiest of Caleb holidays as Exhibit A.

People ask me all the time why I don't go on Big Brother and this situation is exactly why. If I was in the house and someone told me to tiptoe around delicate flower Caleb because the 4th of July is his holiday, I'd roll my eyes and burst out laughing. I'm the worst at hiding my true feelings so I just don't do it. I mean what I say and I say what I mean and that's why I would make the absolute worst Houseguest. Trust me, I have no doubt I'd be that week 1 evictee.

Frankie, bless his heart, actually does what Caleb asks and he tells his fellow HG's to tiptoe around Caleb on this here Caleb of July holiday. Throughout the whole thing, Caleb sits up in the HOH watching it all go down on the TV screen. His tears are gone and now he leers. It is only when someone comes up to talk to him do his tears return. Bravo Caleb! What a stunning performance.

Alright so with that out of the way, let's move on to douche number 2 and what everyone is tut tut tutting about this morning. We knew it would happen. We knew it was only a matter of time. Someone - and we all thought it would be Caleb - was going to pop off Tanisha style and it was going to be awesome! We waited patiently (or in my case, impatiently) knowing it was bound to happen and here it is. Woohoo!

So what you need to know is that Diva is hellbent on getting Brittany out of the house and she knows it. Earlier in the evening she told Payola (Paola) that Diva doesn't like that Brittany thinks for herself and isn't content letting others play the game for her. She has opinions and calls Diva out on his bullshit and he hates it. It is a threat to his game so he wants her gone as soon as possible. The problem with all of this is that Diva is making decisions on behalf on the Bomb Squad based entirely on personal reasons. This rubs several of the Bomb Squad members the wrong way because Diva is the one who is always telling the rest of them not to play personally, but strategically. We find Caleb and Derrick at the pool table talking about this very thing. They are annoyed with Diva's flagrant hypocrisy.

With both Payola and Brittany on the block, Caleb and Derrick wonder how Amber will vote so they head over to Amber where she sitting with Christine on the hammock to ask her. Amber pauses before finally saying Brittany. The one she really wants out is Diva because she feels like he's messing with her game. It should be noted here that Amber is manipulating Caleb a bit. By telling him that Diva is ruining her time in the house, she knows very well that Caleb will run to her rescue. Don't fool yourselves thinking Amber is Miss Innocent. She's knows exactly what she's doing.

Hearing this, Caleb replies that he knows that he and Diva will end up butting heads at some point purely because of how he talks to Amber. Amber then tells Caleb that she'd like to take him far in the game (Take him? Como what? She couldn't take a ladybug to the end of the game.), but that Diva stands in her way (huh?) and she can't ever talk to him because he never lets her speak (true). Caleb says that Diva is indeed his friend, but that he won't let his friend stand in his way of protecting his queen. *eyeroll* Frankie and Hayden then roll up and they all talk about how Diva is the only one who wants Brittany out. (Side Note: Don't they know that there is a simple way to remedy this? Don't vote out Brittany. There you go. Problem solved. Dummies.)

So this brings us to the good stuff. Caleb is back at the pool table and this time Diva is now outside with them. Caleb turns to Diva and says, "Some people are saying that you want to get rid of Brittany for personal reasons." Diva replies, "It was a personal reason. I said it was a personal reason." Caleb says, "Well, I think more people are wantin' Pow gone than Brittany." Diva says, "I don't care." He says that "it is what it is", but at the end of the day, it's all about who is more of a threat to the Bomb Squad. *beep beep beep* I interrupt this paragraph for a station identification..

I move that the phrases "it is what it is" and "at the end of the day" be stricken from the English language. All in favor say "Ay." *everyone screams 'Ay'* The Ays have it. We may now proceed...

And then Diva does something delicious. He says, "Pow over Brittany? That's stupid! That's stupid. It's because you're over there talking to Amber, bro." *bites fist* Oh no he di'in't! Oh yes he did! *claps hands* Surprisingly, Caleb doesn't really react and says, "Well, I mean..." Diva interrupts him and says, "No, it's because you're over there talking to Amber and that's where you're getting this from." Truth be told, Diva is kinda right. Caleb insists that Amber isn't a part of it and says, "I just remember the first Diva. He wouldn't put anybody up based on personal reasons."

The two then begin to bicker over who's the bigger threat. Caleb agrees that Brittany is the bigger threat, but some people may not think so. (I have no idea what point Caleb is trying to make. I hate to say it, but Diva is making way more sense here.) Derrick then interjects and says that Brittany will definitely nominate members of the Bomb Squad. Diva exclaims, "Exactly! Exactly!" Caleb mutters, "But..." Diva then tells him that this argument is stupid because everyone agrees that Brittany is the bigger threat and will come after them. Again, he's kinda right. Meanwhile, Caleb is busy "defending his queen."

Caleb keeps bringing up that Diva is making personal decisions while Diva keeps saying that this whole thing is stupid since they all agree. Caleb then says that maybe not everyone in the alliance agrees. Diva asks who. Caleb replies, "Who do you think? The two people you brought in." Diva says he just talked to Christine upstairs and she agrees with him. The only one who disagrees with it is Amber. Caleb replies, "Well, we should talk to Christine then." Diva says fine. He says that this is all Amber and that Caleb is lovestruck.

Diva watches Caleb play pool and says, "You're getting mad now." Caleb insists he isn't and says that whenever he brings something to Diva, Diva blows it out of proportion. He tells Diva that the girls are scared to death to talk to him because of how he talks to them. Diva has no idea what Caleb is talking about. Caleb says that Christine was scared and nervous to talk to him. The two bicker back and forth over Christine whether or not Christine was scared. (This conversation is SO stupid.) Caleb says, "At the end of the day Diva, it'll show in the votes." Does anyone anywhere have any idea what the hell Caleb is talking about?

Then Christine enters and Diva asks her point blank if she was scared of him. Christine says that she gets nervous any time anyone pulls her aside. Diva asks, "At any time we were in the room, were you afraid of me at all?" Christine chuckles and says no. Diva thanks her and then asks her how she feels about getting rid of Brittany. He says it wasn't a personal decision. It's just that he thinks Brittany would make the biggest moves. And this is where Caleb calls him out. Caleb says that earlier he said it was entirely personal and now he's saying it's not personal. (This is the lamest argument. The two of these meatheads are literally fighting over single words and how they agree on everything, but, hey, I'll take what I can get.) Diva then says, "Alright here, it's a little bit of both, bro. There you go! How about that? Are you happy? Are you satisfied?" Christine then hems and haws over how she's still undecided. Ugh, you're such a waste of an HG! Make a fucking decision. Play the damn game.

Diva then goes inside and Caleb and Derrick assure Christine that she did nothing wrong. Caleb then says that he should have just told Diva that everyone in his alliance wants him gone because of the way he treats people in the house. While that is a spectacular idea, you might not want to tell him that while he's HOH and can still nominate your ass. Derrick ends the discussion by telling Christine that the next time she talks to Diva, she should have another guy there. Why? Because we womenfolk can't be trusted on our own? Because we'll inevitably screw something up? Because you men are so much more level headed and smarter than us? Whatever.

Meanwhile, Frankie and Diva are now up in the HOH talking about the confrontation. Frankie begins, "What the fuck just happened?" Diva blames it on Caleb talking to Amber on the hammock. Frankie replies, "I know. I know." Diva paces and fidgets while talking with his mouth full (263 calories to be exact) about how he's the one who has always had Caleb's back when it came to Amber. Frankie laments about how it was unfair to drag Christine into it and Diva agrees. Diva insists that all he and Christine were talking about was Caleb and Amber. Frankie sighs loudly and comments how all of this makes him nervous. Diva chomps and says, "He's like a lovestruck puppy!" Frankie keeps repeating, "He'll be fine, he'll be fine. He'll come back around. He'll be fine."

Frankie moans about how everything was so perfect and they were sitting pretty until Amber. Frankie then says, "This has got to be all residual from that stuff that happened 3 days ago." It all finally makes sense to Diva and he immediately gets up and heads out the door. Frankie whines, "No stayyy. Stayyy."

Diva heads outside, pulls Caleb aside and says as plain as day, "There's no more alliance. We're done."

While it wasn't exactly Tanisha-like, it was at least something. At least we got a teeny tiny thump of something. It registered a -5 on the Richter Scale, but what can you do?

So, that's that. Will the boys kiss and make up today? Will Diva put a member of the Bomb Squad on the block if given the chance? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!