Friday, July 25, 2014

Meth Attack

(A Parisian night, 1892)

My great grandmother Nightingale Honeypot Lala was a fighter. A fighter! She fought against adversity in a tightly wound corseted world. When women sipped tea, she chugged gin. When men came calling, she tied them to her bed posts with an exquisite piece of old lace. She was a spitfire, that Nightie. My aunt Seraphima Biddy Lala was no slouch herself. She invented glitter. One night while she was shit faced with Toulouse-Lautrec in the 18th arrondissement, the sand she always held in her pockets (Virginia Woolf was a close friend) accidentally fell into her absinthe glass and created the most sparkling, the most shimmering, the most gleamingly brilliant chartreuse-colored tiny particles. Together, Toulouse and SerĂ¡ (for short) tossed her new invention off the top of the Eiffel Tower blanketing Paris in the most scintillating and majestic sparkle the city had ever seen. It is for these two women that I blog... and drink and throw glitter when I am joyful. Never forget where you come from, dear readers. Unless, of course, you're in the throes of a nationally televised game and ANY OUTSIDE INFORMATION AND ALLOWANCES ARE JUST PLAIN CHEATING!!! Let's recap, shall we?

OK so this is going to be short and sweet today for two reasons. Both of which are - Zach is insane! But I'm jumping ahead a bit. Here is what we know: Zach and Frankie have won HOH. Frankie won because he had an incredibly unfair sympathy advantage which has most likely already guaranteed him a final 3 position. Don't even get me started on this giant clusterfuck. But believe you me, I will have a shit load to say about it tomorrow night on the Big Brother Gossip Show. I have yet to do one of my epic rants and, I don't know, tomorrow just feels right. Don't miss it! Saturday at 10pm. Follow me on Twitter for links and iTunes info.

I'm going to try my best to summarize the labyrinth of crazy that took place last night so follow along if you can. When the feeds turned back on, Frankie was in full Frankie mode. He's oh so grateful for getting to receive yet another letter from home in addition to getting photos of his now deceased grandfather. Death is sad. Obviously. But we're also playing a game here, folks. A game where you're locked away from the outside world. A game where everyone should have the exact same chance as the next person to win. A game where production shouldn't bend to the ranting and raving of mentally incompetent fans on twitter. A game where one player shouldn't be allowed to give a 25 minute soliloquy to the viewing public.


So Frankie is sad and moved and grateful and once again giving an abridged version of that Oscar speech he practices in the mirror ever so often back at home. Obviously, I ignored every bit of this nightmare and decided to focus of Zach. Crazy - like Meth Crazy - Zach. You know how meth addicts like to take things like telephones and radios apart when they're high? Well, Zach likes to take apart the entire Big Brother game. He is the personification of a loose cannon. It is a wonder that he sleeps as much as he does because when he's awake, he's firing on all cylinders and giving everyone, viewers included, crazy anxiety.

Zach's grand master flash plan is to backdoor Caleb. Frankie seems to be on board with it, but who the hell knows. He's still thanking ole Jebediah Scrimples Grande for inventing air. In order for Zach to backdoor Caleb, he wants to nominate someone who will throw the BOB comp and keep Amber on the block. I know, I know, it's odd. Ideally, he wants to nominate Christine and Amber and have Christine throw the comp. That way Frankie gets to stay HOH, Amber stays on the block, possibly removes herself and Caleb goes up in her place. As any Big Brother fan can see, there are a lot of problems with this plan. What if Caleb gets picked to play in POV and wins? He'll take Amber off making them both safe which will undoubtedly make Zach a target next week. But that, my friends, is common sense. And we're talking about Zach here - where common sense doesn't exist.

Zach refuses to put up Victoria because he's finally gotten back into her good graces. He also refuses to put up Donny because Donny has been a pawn way too many times already. Then there's Christine. Zach is annoyed beyond belief that Christine has yet to do anything for the alliance - for any alliance! - Bomb Squad, Detonators, Douche Canoes, what have you. Zach firmly believes that Christine needs to prove her loyalty and agree to throw the BOB comp. The problem is that Christine says, "No way Jose!" She's seen the show too many times to throw a comp.

There were also some discussion about Zach putting up Hayden and maybe Nicole or maybe someone in Production. Maybe they'll agree to Zach's cockamamie plans. At one point Zach even had the balls to hint to Caleb that he should go on the block and throw the comp himself. Caleb simply batted his beastmode Covergirl eyelashes and said, "No siree bob." He's done with volunteering and he'll never do it again. Which brings us back to Christine. Zach hates her. All she does is giggle and flirt with Cody. She does nothing for the alliance and she needs to prove her loyalty.

Christine, the big mouth that she is, naturally goes to spill everything to her best good friend Nicole. Nicole kind of listens to it all and shrugs her shoulders. You see, Nicole has more important things on her mind - like keeping her own ass off the block.

So after hours of Zach flitting this way and that asking everyone to throw the BOB comp and then getting more heated and angry when everyone refuses, Zach decides he'll put up Christine and Amber. HOWEVER, there is one little problem with this. Princess Amber has told everyone that if she goes on the block again, she'll out the alliance and sing like a canary. Obviously, this scares the crap out of Pussy (Cody). He tells Zach, "You can't put her up! She'll out the alliance!" Zach replies, "To who, Victoria? Everyone already knows about the Bomb Squad." Pussy then popped a couple of Midols and placed a heating pad on his ovaries.

Zach then announces that he is adamant that he will not put up Nicole, Victoria or Donny. Until, that is, he talks to Nicole. He tells Nicole how he wants Christine to throw the comp, then have Amber win the POV so he can send Caleb home. Nicole listens and whines, "But I don't think you should put me up." Huh? Bitch, he wasn't talking about you! Nicole's M.O. in the game is to talk shit about everyone else in that godforsaken voice of hers and then whine whenever her name is mentioned. It's brutal.

After his talk with Nicole, Zach wonders if maybe he should just put up Nicole and Hayden and have Hayden throw the comp so they can backdoor Amber.  (I'm so fucking confused) I thought his target was Caleb, but now it might be Amber. Next it'll be Nona so she can join Grandpa. *throws hands in the air*


So while Zach is going ape shit insane pacing back and forth while wearing his HOH robe and hollering about getting Carrie-sized buckets of blood on his hands, the rest of his alliance is nervous. Frankie doesn't want to nominate Jocasta and Victoria. In all honesty, he'd rather not nominate anyone because he's a coward afraid to hurt anyone's feelings. Meanwhile, Pussy is scared that somehow all of this will backfire and make him a target (huh?) while Caleb, sweet Caleb, sits in the Hive busily carving a portrait of Amber into his arm with a plastic knife. It's madness, I tell you!

After more craziness with everyone and their dead grandfather being considered as options, Zach seems to have decided to nominate Christine and Nicole (Hey, what the hell happened to Amber?). His plan is to give an epic speech where he compares Christine to JennCity and says, "If you look up 'floater' in the dictionary, there will be a picture of you and JennCity holding hands." *giggles* He then plans on telling Nicole that she's a dingus froot loop of a super fan. I have no idea what that means. All I know is that I love the sound of it.

So where does that leave us? Hell if I know! One thing I can guarantee is lots of fireworks after Zach delivers his nominations today. No matter who he decides on, he'll deliver it in a way that only the Zach Attack can and people - probably everyone - are going to be pissed off. Bless his heart.

So, did you understand one word of what went on last night? Is Zach an evil genius putting on an act? Or does he simply need to up his Ritalin prescription? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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16 comments:

  1. From the beginning Zack seemed like the meth head of the house and I was not very fond of him but now I love him. He is the best thing going in the house for pure entertainment value.

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  2. You summed it up confusingly well. I watched wheels spinning in heads last night and I swear I heard some clanking of resentment about unfair advantages. One can only hope those resentments spill into actions

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  3. How about an all-nude season of BB?

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  4. Holy shit that was a mess last night. I watched the feeds this morning and you nailed the title on this piece. Meth = Zach's behavior. I didn't like Zach until now. Love the drama. Oh, and love the "Cody took 2 Midol and put heat on his ovaries". LOL Still laughing. Thanks Bitch for the recap. It was fun!

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  5. That was short. sweet and dead on. Very annoyed with the unfair advantage given Frankie. First getting on TA because of his sister and now Grandfather dying, sorry for their loss but it should not effect the game and it obviously has. 30 min. eulogy then bible verses for the rest of BBAD, FF through all of it since then whenever Frankie is talking FF. This should be a more exciting week hopefully Zach is the only thing worth watching at this point.

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  6. I found the Frankie's Grandpa's death segmenton the live show to be in pretty poor taste. I'm sorry for their loss, but this was production deciding to exploit a family's pain and pull some heart-strings on the live show.

    The letter mentioned that Grandpa's wishes was that he didn't interfere with Frankie's game, and (for what it's worth) TMZ said the same thing. ( http://www.tmz.com/2014/07/23/ariana-grande-grandfather-died-frankie-grande-big-brother-death/ )

    Way to respect Grandpa's Wishes CBS...

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  7. Id think you would want Amber to go up and go because Caleb would go batshit crazy. No matter how often or vehemently he says he's done with her or over her, we all know he isnt. And if Zach were the one to do it...boy howdy there'd be some fireworks in the BB homestead between those 2 crazies.

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    1. Believe me, I'd LOVE that. Crazy Caleb gives me life.

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  8. BB is Zach ' s version of summer camp. I don't think he cares if he wins or not. He us bored and gonna have some fun.

    I thought Christine was going to be cool...but she is boring as all crap. Won't notice or care when she is gone.

    But don't backdoor Caleb...I want to see him go all Rambo crazy when Amber us gkne. Please send Amber home first.

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    1. I want to see his head explode

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  9. Amen Sister, Zack gave us one brief shining moment of BB and now it's back to boring Fakie, Lunesta and Victoria's Tears! I think you're wrong about one thing, there's $500K at stake so they'll get rid of Fakie pretty soon.

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  10. Now they have announced that Derrick's grandfather passed away too

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  12. Joke asta brought a purple robe into the BB house. That is just... true. Discuss.

    She conducted a solemn ceremony full of religiosity in which none of the house guests removed their stupid sideways baseball hats. That is also... true! Oh please discuss!

    Joke asta and Frankie both wore large novelty bow ties to this memorial. When it was over, Frankie went looking for his "butt cream". Oh Colette Lala, please please discuss!!

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    1. I am intentionally boycotting it. I'm done with Frankie! BUT I did do an epic rant on the podcast about him. Whatever I'd write here would basically be the exact same thing.

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  13. Caleb will never ever get a date with a sane women in his lifetime. The only women he will attract are those who wish to be bound and tied and locked away in a basement until they learn who their master and lord is. What a case study in future spousal abuse is he. I fear for his sanity once he realizes how exposed he has become.

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