Thursday, July 9, 2015

My Name Is Slim Julia

My name is... WHAT
My name is... WHO
My name is SLIM JULIA!

Under the cover of night. Under the polyester of Ikea. Under so much stress she just couldn't handle it anymore! Julia, bony and pointy, covered her face with her hands and said the magic words.

Julia: "So who started this rumor that I'm like switching places with my twin?"
Vanessa: "Day. Is it true?"
Julia: "Um."
Vanessa: "You can totally trust me. I just want to know if your sister will join our alliance."
Julia: "Vanessa? It's true."
Vanessa: "It's true?!"
Julia: "I'm gonna cry right now."
Vanessa: "No, no, no, no, shush."
Julia: "I know you won't tell anyone, but I've been dying!"
Vanessa: "I'm going to protect you. You have to tell me when you do your switch."
Julia: "K"
Vanessa: "People saw the birthmark on your back. They're going to be looking for it."
Julia: "No?!"
Vanessa: "You guys need to fucking figure that out. That shit never needs to show."
Julia: "I know. Oh my god."
Vanessa: "So that's how much I have your back. I just told you that."
Julia: "I know. I know."
Vanessa: "So give me your word you're going to be in with us."
Julia: "Of course. Of course!"
Vanessa: "So how long do you need to make it to?"
Julia: "Week 5."
Vanessa: "Shit."
Julia: "Let me just tell you. I'm not Liz. MY NAME IS FUCKING SLIM JULIA."

And boom! There it is. Vanessa listens to this and covers her mouth with her fist. The two start to giggle uncontrollably because, seriously, how weird is it to hear a bomb like that? The two then decide that Austin has no idea and that eventually they'll have to tell him. Vanessa advises her not to tell Day anything because "you can't fucking trust her." Vanessa then tells her not to sleep so much and to definitely wear more hats because her roots are different from Liz's. She asks when the next switch will be. Slim Julia tells her that Production controls it, but that she thinks a switch will take place tomorrow (i.e. TODAY).

With the magic of time and space, we fast forward about an hour. Slim Julia has given Vanessa permission to spill the beans to Shelli and Clay. And spill the beans she does! Shelli hears the confirmation and leaps into her bed with a creepy excitement. Clay, meanwhile, sits and smiles stupidly. Vanessa tells them that Slim Julia is only telling them and Austin. She goes on, "Dude, I was in that room for like an hour. She was almost crying and I was like laughing." Hmm, I don't like this side of Vanessa. This report-everything-to-the-King-and-Queen-of-the-castle-Vanessa. Here I am waiting this whole time for her to start playing the game and who does she finally hook up with? The Dollanganger chuckleheads up in the HOH.

Shelli is ecstatic not only with this revelation, but with the fact that Vanessa is dutifully bringing her the information she so desires. I gotta tell ya, it sets my teeth permanently on edge watching Shelli happy. You have no idea how much I can't stand that girl. Vanessa then goes on to tell them that if both Liz & Slim Julia join the game, it's another number for them. Shelli beams and high fives Vanessa, "I love you!" Vanessa reiterates that she's trusting them and that she has a plan for how to go forward.

Slim Julia knows she can't make it to Week 5 without other people's support in the house. Vanessa tells Shelli that she and Day are the most perceptive people in the house and they catch visual clues more than anyone else. Shelli interrupts, "I like it!" SHUT. UP. Shut up, shut up, shut up! Vanessa continues that the alliance is Shelli, Clay, herself, Austin and then Liz and Slim Julia. It's really just the first four, but Liz and Slim Julia are extra votes. Shelli comments again, "This is so amazing." The girl can't help but interrupt. She HAS to get her word heard. She can't just sit and listen. She needs to take that entitled ownership she has about everything and pollute the universe with her nonsense. Let's remember - she was one of the LAST people to find out about the Twin Thing yet she has taken control of it like it was her discovery.

OK so Vanessa tells them that Slim Julia gets 30 minutes notice before the switch is going to happen. When that 30 minutes comes, the three of them are going to have to do some kind of distraction. AGAIN, Shelli interrupts by clapping her stupid hands, "This is so amazing!" Vanessa continues, "We're going to have to be strategic about this and help her. You (Shelli) have to talk details with her and help with, I don't know, her fucking back mole thing. She says she has a birthmark and her sister doesn't. You have to help her with that and also with the answers she's getting wrong. The discrepancies. She wants you to tell her so she can fix it and get the stories straight and come up with an excuse." Shelli moans, "I feel bad because I was trying to throw her under the bus." Vanessa says that Slim Julia is the skinnier one with more roots. Shelli adds, "You know what else? She's also breaking out and they're going to notice that. I don't want to be like, 'You have a pimple.'" Vanessa replies, "You're almost going to have to be brutally honest about stuff like that." And yet again, Shelli adds, "This is AMAZING!" I'll show you what's amazing. Your dismembered body in the Storage Room freezer. THAT'S amazing.

When Shelli started singing about her place in the game is when I had enough so I'll end this here for today. Kind of a crazy night in the house. I've got some more flashing back to do myself today. Apparently, Audrey tried to join forces with Day and flip all the votes. I mean, what?! The Evil Queen is up to her tricks again. Only, I've had a change of heart. I'm starting to like this Evil Queen and her instinctual need to lie and manipulate every second of the day. She's pathological. She's sociopathic. She's loca in the cabeza and it's pretty nuts to watch.

You gotta witness the magic (or evil) for yourself. Get of your keisters and get yourself some Live Feeds already! With new HOH's tonight - PLEASE let Audrey be one of them - it's going to be a drama filled evening. What are you waiting for?!

And if you need to do any shopping at Amazon for anything at all, I ask that you please get there via any of my links on the right hand side of the page. Thanks bitches!


  1. Shelli and clay make me sick. Clay talks like he has a penis in his mouth and Shelli thinks she is the queen of that house. The rest of the house isn't helping her ego. My only hope is Jason wind hoh and turns things around. I'm very sad mama day is going home tonight I really like her and Jason together as "the other side"

  2. "Dollanganger chuckleheads" <--- YESSSSSS!!!

  3. ShellShocked interrupts because she can't remember anything for longer than 30 seconds. Only 1 thought at a time can survive in her tiny brain. Clayfus on the other hand is never sure which hand people are talking about.

  4. I thought you meant "doppelgänger", but looked up Dollanganger and learned something! BTW, ever notice that Shelli looks just like Vanna White? Just sayin'...

  5. Dollanganger chuckleheads- perfect!

  6. Wait. I thought if the twins were discovered that was it. No? I'm confused LOL

    1. Evidently they must be evicted by or before the 5th week to be kept from the 2d being allowed to enter the game. That was the 5th season twist rule and people have found language saying that's the rule here too.

  7. Yes...I agree whole heartly, Clay is a Big D Bag, and I love your idea about the Storage Freezer !!! I was liking Van, y did she have to gang up with these freaks ! And Audrey is bat shit crzy, love the Blog !

    1. Audrey is crazy--but she's so refreshing compared with the egos of Shelli, Clay, Vanessa, Austin, Johnny Mac..... She has turned out to be the most fun thing we feedsters have going for us this year. If only she and Jason could get something going to takeover the house...

  8. LMFAO...."Her fucking black mole", leave it to Van to notice very inch of Liz/Julia's bare flesh.

  9. OMG what a great blog! I understand your feelings about Shelli--every time she yelled "I LOVE THIS GAME!" (The Bachelor or BB?), I flashed on how Italians felt about Mussolini's mistress. Mentally imagined a BB version of the same end for her. Can we at least hang her on an endurance comp all night that she loses to Jason? She is so awful and has no clue she and Clay are this year's re-invention of the Nerd Herd. The New Friendship Alliance. Gag me with a spoon.

    And Vanessa joining S & C is horrible. I realized the first week she was not the person she thinks she is in her interviews. What conceit! This is the girl who NEVER NOTICED A SINGLE THING ABOUT THE TWIN TWIST! Yet she brags constantly that she is the most astute person in the house, nothing gets by her...but really, she just has more nerve to pretend the accomplishments of others are hers.

    She tried to pretend that she notices just big things and people's reactions, not stuff like the different features of the twins. BUT SHE NEVER NOTICED THE ENTIRE HOUSE ABSOLUTELY FREAKING OUT OVER THE TWINS! Everybody in the yard repeating the details to each new person, then running in to check the photo en masse. It went on for 2 days, for crying out loud. Literally Vanessa and Austin were the only ones NOT to know!

    Is she any good at poker? Maybe she just lies a lot well? Tell us again how brilliant you are, Maggie. Er, Ivette. April? Oh, Vanessa, that's it..... This girl needs lithium or something, she races so fast on her ego trips. It's awful to watch. They don't let them take 3 month supplies of diet pills in there, so it must be the real her to talk a million miles an hour, delusional about her own wonderfulness.....? It was cringe worthy, as they say on BBUK. Absolutely cringe worthy. The only HOH equally horrific with Shelli.

  10. I guess we now know what kind of meds Messa is getting from the DR. She might be a little neurotic aka Bat Shit Crazy

  11. Have you stopped entertaining us with your blog?
    Please return

    1. No I haven't stopped. I've been busy. I hope to return next week... if there's drama.

  12. In the podcast you discussed introducing Austin with lute music. I think it would be much more fitting if you adapted the song of Sir Robin's Minstrels from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

    "When danger reared its ugly head, Sir Austin turned his tail and fled..."

  13. Hi Colette! Last night's craziness had to have given you enough ammo for a Vanessa post. Or an Austin post? Or hell, even a Becky post, since apparently she's so unaware of the game that she slept while the house flipped...and flipped...and flipped...
    Pleeeeeeeease-uh! In the words of my favorite BB blogger, "ENTERTAIN US!"

  14. Miss your blog in this boring BB season so please come back!
    I'd like to state for the record that the double HOH and BOB are ruining this game!

  15. I don't blame you for blowing off this season. It's beyond boring. I was looking forward to this season with the BB Takeover twists every week. But it's very apparent those were put in play for their pet, Audrey. Once the powers that be saw that Audrey was heading straight for the iceberg and there was no way to steer clear, they let the takeover twists go down with the ship - in my opinion.

    I do check this blog everyday in hopes you might have some comic relief for us in an otherwise mundane show

  16. I agree with the whole understanding why you haven't graces us with you keyboard of wickedness but shiiiitt PUH-Peeze make up some concoction, toss it in the cauldron, stir well, hammer down some gin and at least tear into the all that is boRing in BB17. You have to have something to say about Judas and the twins, I mean now that we know "It has a name" and how there may be love blooming by JMac over a crowned #9. Chellie. Vanessa and her lengthy over planning, stage setting to avoid playing the game that REQUIRES and HOH to put someone one the Fing block, as well as, whoever she is talking to when she talks to the HOH camera. How many times a day Shellie has to change Clay diaper, put a new bib on him and hold him like a baby on the couch. Becky's role as housekeeper
    YOU Bitch are the ONLY one who can bring some excitement to this season. There HAS to be soMethinG you can find to write about. We don't care just make shiiiit up!!

    Maybe we should campaign for Evil Dick to be brought in Evel Dick and his pots and pans, Dan Geisling (sp) to have a funeral, hell even that wacky knee sock wearing "I am probably going to start a knee sock trend" barista from Salem. Hey what about a push Steve over the edge with a Janelle visit? We are desperately bored!! F-Ing Grodner!!!

    WE MISS YOU. And, yes, we all realize we will just have to pack up our glitter until next year.

    1. Um I just did.

      And stop bugging me about it or I won't again.