A New Day, A New Rumor

Greetings Rumor Seekers! Gossip Girl here. Seriously, this Pandora's Box thing will never die. It only gains more strength as each day passes, but since I'm getting tips by email and twitter now I'm totally putting on my latest Diane Von Furstenberg, a fabulous ribboned headband, and some neon tights that don't match anything. OK now I'm ready to dish. This new incarnation of the rumor began for me Tuesday night. Via Twitter someone sent me, BB11_Unleashed, and Chima Simone (I know... totally weird) a tweet pointing out how Russell's opening credits were not of him leaving the house (like on Sunday), but were of him still in the house. Hmmm interesting. I chalked it up to CBS making a silly mistake and went about my day.

THEN I began to hear how the $10,000 in the Pandora's Box was the $10,000 that Russell won. He had essentially "bought his way back" into the game. Ridiculous. I'm not buying this for one second.

The newest rumor, the one all the chat hags are DYING to hear, is one that definitely caught my attention. Typically, I don't go around willy nilly posting the crap everyone is saying online and if I do, it's only to make fun of it and belittle all who believe it, but this one was different. This one sounded legit. I was told it came from someone who knows someone who knows someone in AG's little curly world. Well, that's good enough for me right? I mean, that's akin to gospel at this point. I read the new info, sat on it (literally, I sat on my laptop... hoping osmosis would trigger my bullshit radar so to speak) for a few hours, researched it, teased it, fluffed it up and made it pretty, and then decided it was all bullshit. I analyzed the shit out of this thing because I don't want to be made a fool of and I don't want to falsely give hope to my readers. Hope? Did you see what I did there? Ohhh I'm so naughty.

After much discussion, research, and going back and forth on this, I'll go ahead and post it. Although I'm sure at this point other sites are already posting their derivation of it. In fact, that's what pissed me off about this whole thing. I thought what I had received was privileged information when, in fact, it looks like it originated from a message forum comment. Did that comment come from someone "official"? I doubt it. I think, like all things BB this season, it's merely conjecture. I'll go on record saying that I don't believe it. If it turns out to be true... well, then you heard it here first and I'll demand you address me as BB Gossip Girl from here on out. If it's not true, I told you so and I knew it all along.

Here we go. Come to your own conclusions. I'd love to hear what you guys think about this in the comments.

As I described here in the story of Pandora's Box, opening Pandora's Box releases EVIL, but at the bottom of the box lies HOPE. Kevin chose to release the evil and he was subsequently handcuffed and prevented from taking part in the money grabbing merriment. The key represented hope. Jeff used the key to free Kevin and allow him to get some money for himself. The key is not done working it's magic yet. Jeff, who will be evicted tonight, will be instructed to hand the key off to a Juror allowing that Juror to reenter the house. Since the Russell titles were weird on Tuesday, the rumor is that Russell will be given that key to come back to the BB house and resume play. Apparently, when Chima was expelled the sponsors did not get the Double Eviction they were promised and they were not pleased. Those bitches want their Double Eviction and they will now get it Sunday, September 6.

OK that sounds kind of believable right? Well, not so fast sparky. Let's work through this together. Let's say that Natalie had found the key. She's safe this week. She's not going anywhere. She wouldn't be able to hand that key off to an evicted Juror. Did AG invent the whole "hand the key off to a Juror" thing after she realized Jeff would be leaving? Possibly, but I doubt it.

The other red flag standing out to me is the thing about the sponsors. When Chima left, the ratings soared. Although... that was on a Tuesday and the Double Eviction was supposed to happen on a Thursday. I never pay attention to who advertises on the show, but are the Tuesday and Thursday night people so different that one of them would cause a stink over not getting a Thursday Double Eviction? Possibly, but again I doubt it.

Allison Grodner said all along that Pandora's Box was a "responsibility" not a power. Does this mean it's up to Kevin to decide who will come back? Maybe he just decides whether or not someone will come back at all. Did his "responsibilty" end as soon as he chose to open Pandora's Box?

ALSO Russell has been out of the house for a week now. I don't think BB has ever had someone out of the game that long only to have them come back. When Krazy James came back it was only a matter of minutes, BUT what if the HG's had decided to bring Alex back instead during BB9? Where had he been hiding out? Did they keep locked up in a hotel room? Has Russell been locked up in a hotel room somewhere? Did he ever even make it to the Jury House? Sure, we'll find out in 7 hours, but like Veruca Salt I want to know NOOOOOOOOW!

OR is Allison Grodner simply scared that Russell will bash in Jeff's face so in an effort to save her Golden Boy she'll send Russell back into the game? HA! I invented this one myself. Spend enough time wallowing in Rumorville and they just sort of begin coming to you.

So while the new rumor sounds good in theory and the hinky opening credits on Tuesday definitely back it up, I'm thinking it's all wishful thinking on someone's part. Personally, I think Pandora's Box is over. Golden Boy is going home and no one is coming back. Fans are so fucking desperate for Natalie or Kevin not to win this thing that they'll invent anything to calm their minds.

That's it. That's all I got. What do you guys think? Do you buy any of this? Do you think Russell is coming back?

Today's recap will be up in a little bit. I wanted to post this rumor business first because I know some people were waiting on it.

"You know you love me. Ex Oh. Ex Oh." - Gossip Girl

When Whales... I mean Jordan... Attacks!

Sometimes in life ye ask and ye shall receive. For example, yesterday I called a phone number and I asked for Chinese food. 30 minutes later it arrived right at my front door. Magic! I wished deep down in my nether regions that VH-1 would replay a show I had missed. An hour later, voila! They played it. A couple days ago I crossed my fingers hoping I'd get some homoerotica in the BB house. Well guess what, my dear readers? The BB gods delivered! Everything is going my way and I'm going to spend the day gloating and thinking I'm "all that". You're probably saying to yourself, "But Lala, you already spend everyday gloating and thinking you're all that." To that I say, Bite Me!

I was actually unable to catch Jordan shovelling food in her mouth and you'll understand why a little later so instead I got her trying to eat a deck of cards. I think it counts in my little screenshot game so one more point for me! OK LOTS to cover today. This is super long.

The Houseguests are lazy sons of bitches who stay up all night and sleep all day so yesterday they awoke fairly late and went about their morning routine. Jeff was, you know, alive so Michele had to immediately start flirting with him. She tried to make some sexy eyes at him while hiding her offensive body odor, but it just came out all wrong and she ended up looking like an asshole. Michele, at one point, turns to Jeff and asks him that if she and Jordan were on the block and Jeff had the POV, who would he take off? Holy Hannah! That's a loaded question. A) She's putting him on the spot. 2) She's testing his loyalties. C) She's secretly hoping he'll turn against Jordan and make sweet love to her. 4) She just pretty much, in a roundabout way, told him why she can't trust him. Jeff refuses to answer the question saying it's silly to think in hypotheticals.

Jeff goes outside to where Russell is working out piling on barbell after barbell. Russell immediately starts in on Jeff for apparently no good reason other than... hey, it's Wednesday, why not start a fight? He's on the elliptical and starts to tell Jeff that America voted for him because they felt sorry for him. He's relentless. He won't shut up. He keeps going and going and Jeff just sits calmly by the edge of the hot tub saying nothing. Jordan shouts, "Jeff, don't say anything!" Russell sees his chance to attack and tells Jeff that he has to have a girl fight his fights for him. I begin to picture Jeff's blood begin to boil much like the water in the hot tub and I think to myself, "Lala you're an artistic genius. Those pants make your butt look fabulous!"

Jordan, obviously jelaous of my tight ass, jumps up and screams, "You hate that you’re goin’ to the jury house! You’re goin’ home! You’re goin’ home! I swear to god if I wasn’t here I’d fucking hit you over the fucking head!”

What is this? An afternoon delight of a fight? Mr. O'Shaugnessy come here quick! Get under this desk and work your magic. Those of you at home should turn down the tv, turn off your cells, lock the children in the pantry, and get ready to have your no-no's tickled. This fight is a plain and simple gift from the BB gods. It comes out of nowhere but we shall embrace it and nurture it. It's long, it's tiring, it's fucking hysterical, and you'll definitely need a cigarette when we're all through. Is everybody ready? Good. Let's continue.

Jeff shouts, “Jordan! Go inside.” Because, you know, he's the boss of everyone.
Russ says, “Yeah go inside and get some cookie dough.” *bites fist* Music to my ears I tell you. Music to my fucking ears.
Jordan continues, “You’re just tryin' to get someone to do somethin’ so we get evicted before you cuz you know you’re leavin’ on Thursday!” Then she starts to do that annoying Jameeka clap that makes absolutely no sense to me.

Russ smiles and tells her to keep going. Well, that's all Jordan needed. She jumps up off the couch and begins to attack. Look at how angry she is. Do you love it? I know I do.

She marches over to Russell screaming, "I will fucking fight with you! You think I’m fucking scared of you! I’m not fucking scared of you!” *giggles*
Jeff shouts, “Jordan!”

This is where the clouds part, skittles fall from the sky, and the choir of angels begin to sing the loveliest song I've ever heard. I'm quite sure it's "They Don't Care About Us".
Jordan marches all the way up to Russell's face and she bumps him! The bitch actually chest bumps him with her fake tatas. Could you ask for anything more heavenly? I think not.

Jeff says, “Why you gotta make me get up? Sit down over here.” LMAO. Seriously, Jeff?
Russell snaps back, “I can’t wait for them to send you home as a birthday present for me so I can beat your fucking face in!”
Jeff, “That’s good man. Keep talking. Keep talking.”
Russ, “You always say you’re going to do something and you don’t.” OK so clearly Russell wants Jeff to hit him and get evicted. It's the last chance he has so he's gonna take it. I didn't care for it when Chima tried this tactic, but Russ is a dude so of course I think it's funny and I really want someone to punch someone.
Jeff barks back, “Yeah cuz I have 500 thousand reasons not to”
Then we get fish. WTF!
Feeds come back to Russ saying how Jordan spends her time eating cookie dough and then wondering why she’s fat. AHAHAHAHA!!! Ok that's was good. That was Good dipped in 24 karat gold, sprinkled with diamonds, and draped around my neck.
Russ, of course, kills my bejeweled mood by immediately saying something moronic. He knocks Jeff for going to a Division 3 school and working telephone sales. He's desperate for that punch to send Jeff home so now he's gone personal.
Jeff replies, “What’s your career? You have seven of ‘em. Are you a fire fighter? Are you a banker? Are you in sales? Are you a navy seal? Which one are you? Which career are you? You don’t even know who you are!”

Russ ignores him and goes back to picking on Jordan. He tells her to keep twirling her hair cuz she’ll never do nothing. Jeff says, “Do you feel better about yourself yelling at a girl?”

Russell brings up the threat on his family again saying it’s a real funny joke. Jeff says the real joke is Russ threatening to mop the floor with him. Jeff tells him he’s carrying around, “anger bags”. (I'm immediately reminded of that movie PLAYING BY HEART. Angelina Jolie, Ryan Phillpe, Jon Stewart. All the women in Jolie's family call people "Anger Balls" when they get mad. Great fucking movie. See it if you haven't.) Russ then brings up “technotronics” and say Jeff should get a dictionary and think up some new words. Jeff tells him he has no friends in real life. Russ says he just wants to hug him. Huh? Where did that come from? Jeff says, “I just threw the knock out punch when you get evicted tomorrow.” Jeff goes on, “Make a move. Go into the fucking jury house and make a move and lose all your cash.”

They continue screaming at each other. A little to the left Mr. O'Shaugnessy. Jeff says that no one wants to be friends with Russell and that’s why he’s going to home. Jeff says whenever Russ mentioned that he wanted to go to Chicago and that Jeff should go to San Francisco, he'd always laugh because he never had any intention of being Russell's friend.

Russell says, “Chima was right… two peas in a pod... bunch of dumb asses… one thinks Gucci is a catch phrase, the other thinks Technotronics is a word. Life can only go up from here Jeff.”
Jeff replies, “Apparently. So I have things to look forward to.”

"I have things to look forward to" sounds like another song for the Big Brother Musical soundtrack, doesn't it? It's so positive and uplifting. I'm thinking it could be like 'So Much Better' from Legally Blonde The Musical. I'm sure if we asked Ronnie he'd agree with me. Laura Bell Bundy would do it so much justice.

Ok everyone, dim the lights, close your shades, make sure your boss isn’t looking, get one hand free cuz things are about to get homoerotic up in this bitch.

Jeff says, “Stop saying my stories… stop saying my words. Do you want to fuck me? Do you want to have sex with me? Is that your thing? What’s your thing? Do you have a hard on for me? “

*squeals and claps*

Russ, “That was the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”
Jeff, “Is it or is it real cuz all you ever do is fill your name into my stories. Do you have a crush on me? What’s your thing? Do you want to have sex with me? Seriously because I’ll show you a little ass on your way out the door if that’s what you want. Give you something to jerk off to in the jury house.”

Do it Jeff, do it! Drop your drawers!

Russ, “You look more manly now... 'You want to have sex with me!'”
Jeff, “For real man you must have a hard on. No one else is doing this.”
Russ, “Do you Jeff? Do you huh?”
Jeff, “Good one! I know you are but what am I?” AHAHAHA!!!
Russ mockingly, “Do you want to have sex with me? Do you want to have sex with me?”
Jeff, “Hey man I’m just trying to get to the bottom of your reasoning.”
Russ, “Glad they got that on camera. You look really uh… you look really good there buddy.”
Jeff, “Take a time out. Take 5 minutes to yourself. Think of a good one and I’ll be sitting right here when you want to deliver it."

*sigh* Was it good for you? I'm spent. Mr. O'Shaugnessy go get me some Brandy and bring me my opium pipe. Chop chop... times a wastin'! Don't smoke your cigarettes quite yet. We get more of this stimulating dialogue.

They continue to fight over how Russell can’t make anyone laugh but Jeff can. Jeff says, "They are laughing AT you." Russ says, "The only one who’s making you laugh is the little fatty there next to you. That’s the only person you make laugh.” Oh no he di'int! Oh yes he did! Look I have no problem with girls calling other girls fat, but guys shouldn't do that. That's like part of an unspoken code. Only catty bitches can give each other eating disorders not stinky men.

Jeff replies, “That’s classy bro”
Russ, “Classy? Yeah she was real classy when she came up to me and bumped me. She’s really classy."
Jeff, “She’s a woman bro, she’s a woman.”
Jordan jumps in, “You look like the biggest asshole on tv”
Jeff snaps at Jordan, “Just be quiet. Be quiet. Be quiet”
Jordan, obviously obeying Jeff, shouts to Russ, “You are such a fucking douche bag! You’re a douche bag! I’m not fucking scared of you!”

I have to admit it. I kind of like Jordan when she gets mad. She's fucking hysterical. Girl's got some balls. I'll give her that much.

Jeff tells Russell how he went about "this" (AKA Big Brother) all the wrong way. “It’s a game”, he says. Russ has nothing to say so he goes back to the threat Jeff made to his family. Jeff gets annoyed he brought it up again and said he apologized for making that comment. Jeff asks, “What do you want from me?” Russ replies, “I’m still going to beat the shit out of you.”

Russell says, "America gave you that power cuz America felt sorry for you that I got you."

Jeff says, “Oh yeah that’s exactly why they gave it to me. “ Jeff says America gave it to him to use to get Russ out cuz he’s such a fucking douche bag. Jeff then puts on a girl voice and pretends he’s Russ making final 2 deals with everyone. "I'll go to Final 2 with you... and you... and you." LOL. So mature.

Russ brings Kevin up for some reason saying Jeff is using him or something like that. Jordan jumps in and says, “He already told Kevin he was goin’ up before the nominations cuz he was goin’ to backdoor you!” Oh shut up Jordan. Even in the middle of a fight she's ready to spill all her secrets. They continue to argue about which comes first. Final 4 or final 2?

Jordan, “Why don’t you tell Kevin what you said after the chicken competition? Jeff don’t want to say anythin’ and start somethin’, but I don’t give a shit. I’ll say somethin’!”
Jeff screams, “Don’t say anything! Shut up Jordan already! Shut up!” Ewww. Yucky. Stinky poo. I don't like it when Jeff screams at her like that and tells her what to do. She can obviously handle herself in a fight and besides she's entertaining me right now so shut the fuck up Jeff.
Russ, “Say it tough girl.”
Jeff to Jordan “Honestly enough’s enough. Be quiet. It’s not even your problem.”
Here's where I wonder why he said that. Did he make up the comment about Russ calling Kevin a "homo" during the chicken/egg competitiong? Did Russ really not say anything?

Russ says, “Final 2 comes before Final 4 dude.”
Jeff, “That’s semantics!” Whoever said the "semantics" line first this season needs to be shot. It's so overplayed at this point.
Russ, “2 comes before 4!” Uhhh not exactly Russ. In BB, 4 comes before 2.
Jeff, “I’m one second away from knocking you in the fucking mouth!”
Russ shouts to the peanut gallery gathered on the couch, “You have to live by Jeff’s rules in Jeff’s house. Enjoy! You all are a bunch of sheep. No matter what he says, he’s gonna put you up!”

Hmmm... well, Russell is pretty much speaking gospel at this point. It is Jeff's house and anyone who doesn't obey Jeff's rules gets the wrath of Jeff's bitching. I can't argue with you there Russ.

If you missed the fight or just want to relive the magic, here it is. Thanks to Shea and bird! Please to enjoy:

After all the dust settles, Jordan is inside kind of crying. She's mad that Russell called her fat. Jordan says how she almost punched Russell, but she didn't want to lose her money. Kevin tries to calm her down and tells her that Russell is purposely trying to get people to punch him. Jordan says, "Now I know how Chima felt." Ragamuffin joins in and Jordan tells her how she wanted to punch Russell. Now, I could be wrong, but I could swear I saw a light bulb turn on over top Ragamuffin's head.

Kevin tells Jordan to promise him she will not interact with Russell anymore. Jordan can’t get her anger under control and Kevin tells her to go to the DR “and let it out”. She says, "I’ll do that later." Jordan asks Kevin if she looked crazy out there screaming at the top of her lungs. Kevin, always being a fab gay, lets Jordan vent her anger and says all the right supportive things. He tells her she’s not even close to being fat. She was cast on the show because she’s the cute adorable Southern Belle. Kevin tells her she’s the hottest girl in the house. He says, “You’re not hotter than me though.” LOL Kevin, I heart you.

Jordan and Kevin leave and Russell enters the kitchen. Natalie tells him everything Jordan was saying. Russell tells her to fill him in on everything since he’s leaving tomorrow. Russ explains to her how they (Russ, Jeff, Michele, Jordan) made the final 4 deal and how Jordan kept telling him not to talk to Natalie. Russ tells Natalie, “You need to fucking win this week.”

Ragamuffin immediately goes outside to tell Jeff and Kevin what Russell just said. Jeff starts ranting about being ousted for sticking up for Braden. He yells at Natalie for talking to Russ and says she should have said, “Get the fuck away from me.” Jeff insists on everyone hating Russ as much as he does. Since King Jeff doesn't care for Russell, then no one else should either. Jeff says, “The fact that any of you listen to him is bullshit. I mean, I’m not telling you what to do…” Uh yes Jeff, you are telling them what to do.

Natalie turns to Jordan and morphs into a sweet precious little pony. She tells Jordan not to let Russell make her cry. Jordan just lies back and stresses about how she'll have to be locked in the HOH tomorrrow with Russell.

Later Jeff yells at Jordan for talking too much outside with Russ. Jeff tells her to stop playing the dumb card because people are getting suspicious. Bwahaha! "Dumb card"? There's no dumb card here. She's just being herself!

Things die down for a few hours and the house gets boring again. A little later, Michele is talking to Jordan telling her how she cried for 2 hours in the DR because she thought Jeff and Jordan didn’t trust her. Jeff says Russell thinks he’s playing the villain role when he’s really playing the douche bag role. Jordan says how Russ will probably wear his stupid hat tomorrow cocked to one side trying to look all GQ. Jordan says she hopes when he gets out of the house that he walks down the street and people call him "faggot". Then she catches herself and says, "Well no, not that, but they can call him stupid or something." Michele jumps in and tries to tell stupid Russell stories to prove her loyalty. She says he got up in the middle of the night to punch the mattress. She laughs awkwardly and no one says anything.

Here's what I have in my notes at this point, "Boring boring boring. Jeff shaves his pits." LOL Yes, Jeff shaved his armpits.

Later in the HOH, Jeff offers Jordan a cookie and she refuses it. She claims she just brushed her teeth but I think Russ’s comments really got to her. Jeff goes on and on about how good the cookie is. He’s a dick. Natalie joins them and he offers her a cookie too. She takes it and they both talk about how soft and chewy it is. Jordan just looks depressed and dies a little bit inside.

Here is where the Ragamuffin begins to work her magic again. She's initiating LML (Last Minute Lie) Part Deux. Natalie tells Jeff and Jordan that she walked in on Michele talking to Kevin. Kevin told her she walked in at the worst fucking time because Michele was trying to feel him out as to how he wanted to vote. Later Michele went to Russell and told him that there was no way he would stay because Kevin was not onboard. Russ then decided to have that fight earlier because he had nothing to lose.

Jeff completely buys it. Natalie was just planting seeds to make Jeff suspicious of Michele, but Jeff doesn't question a word of it. He takes it for fact and hits the ground running.

Jeff tells a story about how Russ is lying to get votes. The last time Russell was on the block, he told Michele that he had Natalie’s vote 100%. He also told Jeff should that he should talk to Jessie about how Jessie would vote. Jeff didn’t want to talk to Jessie and Russ kept pushing it. Jeff thinks he’s doing the exact same thing now lying and making everyone talk to each other about voting to keep him. Remember how the other night he told Kevin to talk to Michele and Kevin told him to do it himself because he didn’t want to? In her mind, Natalie may have been lying about Michele talking to Kevin, but the lie isn't all that far fetched. It's so close to the truth that Jeff is immediately able to cite instances that back up the lie. For some reason whenever Natalie lies to Jeff, he adds to it giving it strength and legs to work it's magic. For example, Jeff says how Russell also told Michele to go to Kevin. Instead Michele just ran to Jeff and told him what Russell said.

Natalie tells Jeff and Jordan how Russ is planning his outfit for tomorrow and how he was talking about it to Kevin and asking Kevin if he knew the designer. Apparently, his suit was $1000 blah blah blah. Kevin had no idea who the designer was. Jeff proceeds to calls Russ a douchebag. They all discuss how Russ has a big speech planned for tomorrow and how he compared himself to Chima. Natalie says, “I wanted to say, you hated Chima!” Jeff concludes that Russell has no speaking skills whatsoever. And Jeff is a master debater... the same guy who used "yo-yo" in a fight?

Jeff says when Russ gets to the jury house he’ll go on a Jeff hating thing and talk about it for a few days. Jeff thinks Russ will talk about him so much that eventually even Jessie will get sick of it and tell him to shut up. Natalie jokes about saying, “I know I’m staying. Let’s get this show on the road.” in her speech. Jeff is super duper paranoid about Russ’s speech. He knows Russ will say something about Jeff threatening his family. Natalie tells them that Russell told Kevin his speech will be "classy". Jordan says, “Classy? You tell a girl to go eat more cookie dough fat ass.” I KNEW that was still bugging her. Jeff says, "How do you have sisters and talk that way to women?" Jordan thinks his dad must talk that way to his mom. She insists he must have heard it from somewhere so she comes to the conclusion that Russell's dad must verbally abuse Russell's mom. Oh Jordan, don't go there. Just don't.

Jordan worries about going to the jury house and having to deal with Russell. Natalie cleverly says, “If I win tomorrow, you won’t be in there.” Nicely done Natalie. You are so evil.

Jeff won’t shut up about Russell's speech. He says, "How is he [Russ] articulate and smart? When has he ever done anything smart. By taking my stories and repeating them that’s smart? If he says anything I’ve said tomorrow in his speech, I’m going to say we have to stop cuz I’m gonna sue him for plaigerism."

Natalie tells them how Russ said BB had brought in all the security guards and called in the swat team. Jeff laughs and says, “How does he live with himself?”

Kevin comes up to room and he brings up the LML2 as well. He tells Jeff how Russ told him Michele was going to talk to him because she’s onboard with keeping Russell. Kevin says, "Sure enough Michele comes up to me and starts to talk." Jeff says he has a feeling Michele will be going after him. Jordan asks Natalie if she ever said that she’d put Michele up against the strongest player (implying Jeff). Jordan tells her Michele told her Natalie said that. Natalie, not missing a beat, says Michele is strong. She says, “I’ll be honest with you. If I win HOH, I’m putting up you and Michele. You’ll be the pawn.” Jordan goes on to say how Michele said Natalie was going to put up Michele and the strongest player (meaning Jeff).

Jeff chimes in recapping what Michele asked him earlier. He tells the group how Michele asked him that if Jordan and Michele were on the block and Jeff won the veto, who would he take down? Jeff laughs thinking she’s an idiot if she’s doesn’t know the answer. Kevin says, "I can’t figure her out." Jordan jumps in, "Oh my god! Jeff says that every night." Kevin replies, "I call her the Question Mark." Jeff pops up and says “Oh my god dude, I say the exact same thing!” It's a bonding moment for them. Kevin says he can usually read women really well but with Michele his gay talents are useless because he can never read her mind.

Natalie then goes off about how much she can’t stand the bitch Michele. Michele got out Chima after she swore on her husband. Natalie compares Michele to Lydia and Kevin says, "She’s not a Lydia!" Jordan tells Natalie how Michele said that Natalie is some genius poker player. Jeff and Jordan throw it off as Michele was just falling for Russell’s poker lie.

They continue to bash Michele which just tickles me pink. Jeff does an imitation of Michele where he grunts and says, “Eh I don’t remember!”Natalie calls her the Bathroom Bandit because she’s always stalking the bathroom and not peeing. Jeff says he calls her Cuckoo Magoo. I popped some champagne, poured it down the front of my shirt, and squirmed in delight. I'm all about a Michele Hate Party.

Kevin and Natalie eventually leave and Jordan tells Jeff she kind of doesn’t trust Kevin and Natalie now and how she wants Michele to win HOH. Oh shit. Someone hand me a roll of cookie dough. We need to cram it in Jordan's mouth stat! Jordan says she thought that if one of them won HOH they’d put up Michele and whichever one of them (Kevin or Natalie) didn't win that week. Jeff tells her, "No, Kevin said that he’d put Natalie up. Natalie never said that." Any little teeny tiny thing about Jordan going up on the block freaks her out now. In the past she took it all in stride, but now I'm thinking that she's petrified of having to go to the jury house and spending time with people she never got to know or like.

Russ spends the evening kissing some major ass. He cooks for everyone and is SUPER nice to Kevin. Kevin asks him why he's being so nice. Russell says he wants Kevin to win. He wants Kevin to take Michele out.

Up in the HOH Jordan is still dwelling on what Natalie told her. This is stunning to me. If Jordan won HOH, she'd most definitely never put up Jeff so why does she think it's ok for Natalie and Kevin to nominate each other. God, she's an idiot. Jordan tells Michele that Natalie said she’d put them both on the block. Why can’t this bitch shut her goddamn mouth? Michele tells Jordan that Natalie really wants Jordan out. Jordan immediately believes her and begins to worry. WTF? Why does Jordan believe her now? Michele is LYING right here folks. Natalie really wants Jeff out THEN she wants Michele out. She wants Jeff out because he's strong and she wants Michele out because she hates her.

Jordan lays beached in the HOH alone crying. Jeff comes in and asks her what’s wrong and she says she’s stressed out and doesn’t know who to trust. Michele fucked with her head. Jeff tells her to take a bath. She whines and says, "Noooooooooo." You'd think Jordan was 5 by the way she was acting. It's still dumbfounding to me that she assumed Natalie would never nominate her. She's a fucking idiot so let's laugh at her. Here's what she looked like being a spoiled brat:

Jordan sees Michele on the spy screen coming up the stairs again and she gets mad.. Michele walks right in and plops down. Now tell me this is not the most evil face you've ever seen.

I want to stab it with hot pokers and squish her brains in between my fingers. I hate this bitch!

Later Natalie is in the Red Room telling Russell that if she wins HOH she's putting up Jeff and Michele and getting Jeff out. Bad Ragamuffin! You've got Jordan disease now telling all your damn secrets. I knew she wouldn't be able to keep quiet. Russell better keep his mouth shut and keep their secret. Kevin and Natalie then make fun of Jeff for actually believing they'd put each other up before they'd put him up. Ha! It is kind of funny when you think about it. How arrogant does Jeff have to be to actually believe them?

The night ends with something all you Jeff and Jordan fans have been waiting for. It only took about 6 weeks but the Boring Twins finally make out. At this point, I don't give a shit. They should have done this 5 weeks ago, but I know all of you nice romantic fans are freaking out right now so I'll recap it for you.

Jeff and Jordan are in bed doing what Jeff and Jordan do. Jeff wants some ass and Jordan won't give it to him. She's puts on her cocktease act and begins to tell him how she likes to kiss when she drinks because it makes her more uninhibited. Jeff says, "You want to open that wine?" Jordan says, "Yeah." Jeff says, "Fuck yeah." He nuzzles her neck and she squeals and pushes him away saying he's tickling her. Jordan asks him if she's a bad kisser. How the hell would he know? They've only pecked each other! Jordan tells him that she doesn't like it when guys kiss like a lizard or when their mouths get so wet they almost start to drool. Jeff jokes that when he gets drunk he likes to get sloppy. Jordan says, "Ewwww Jeff!" in that little girl voice of hers and I die a little inside. Jeff says, "Let's get sloppy." Jordan says, "No, not sloppy."

At this point Jeff has placed a boulder on his hard on trying to keep it down. They talk about all things romantic like how Michele stunk up a blanket with her B.O.. Jordan brings it back to kissing and it's obvious now she's going to give him some. It's about fucking time! Jeff tells her he likes to be the dominant one in kissing. The girls usually follow his lead. He tells her he doesn't like, "machine gun tongue". Jordan says she was worried Jeff would be a bad kisser, but instead she told everyone how good he was. I'm totally confused. When did they actually make out before this? I'm pretty sure I didn't miss it. Jeff gets all shy and tells her to stop talking about how he kisses. He says, "If it's good that's all I need to know."

Jordan says, "You got me all hyper now." Jeff asks, "You're all worked up? Wanna fool around?" Jeff puts the blanket over their heads and that's when it happens... I poop out a rainbow and vomit up a pony. Garden gnomes come to life and birds in the trees hold hands and sing a lovely tune. Flowers keep popping up in my hair and I rip them out and smash them on the ground. Jeff removes the blanket and says, "That was nice." Jordan says, "OK goodnight." He says, "Goodnight Jordan. That was beautiful." Yeah it was real beautiful. Now Jeff's got crazy blue balls and will totally try to kill Russell tomorrow. Jeff says, "Are you in a better mood now? No more tears?" Jordan nods and says, "You put me in a better mood." Oh yes Jeff, your kisses are so magical they cure all the ills of the world. Women will never have PMS again and war will be a thing of the past. Fuck off and die.

So tonight will be very exciting. I'm anxious to hear Russell's speech and even more anxious for HOH. Personally, I want Kevin or Natalie to win. I want Jeff and Michele or Jeff and Jordan on the block FINALLY. If this happens I'm throwing a rave and you're all invited. If Michele or Jordan win HOH, you can all rot in hell for all I care. I will be one grumpy beyotch tomorrow. You can count on it.

I completely forgot yesterday to congratulate Jen for guessing that "good old fashioned boink fest" does indeed come from the movie CLUELESS. Good job Jen!

Everyone please remember to vote for the BBTop50 in the upper right hand corner of the blog. We need to keep the Bitchy Big Brother Blog at #1!

Special shout out to jacksma5901 and LuKiELoOoVe12. Thanks ladies! Rub your bellies and tell your little spawn that Lala is sending them love.

Look I'm going to end this post like all you baby makers do...

Colette Lala

Mr. O'Shaugnessy... precious bundle of joy... 6/6/66

Big Brother: The Musical

There is nothing quite as lovely as a naked leprechaun skipping through a dewy meadow. His little hairy chest glistening in the sunshine, tiny round buttocks clenching with every stride, and a smile on his face so peaceful... why, it brings a tear to one's eye. How did we get to this place? How did we arrive at a happy naked leprechaun? We got here through popped pustules, little boy fights, and lots of counting. Let's recap the magic, shall we?

The day in the BB house began simply enough. There was pre POV ceremony jitters with Natalie whispering to Kevin about how if Michele wins HOH next week, then one of them will surely go home. They briefly muse over the power that is the Great Lie (known in some circles as the Last Minute Lie or the LML). The LML was only meant to save one of them last week. It's turned out to be filled with pixie dust and if you know anything about pixies, they're the gift that keeps on giving. The LML saved them last week, it looks like it could save them this week, and it could very well go on to save these bitches next week too. Some of you say, "Well Lala it wasn't a lie at all, it was true!" Maybe my little munchkins, but Natalie and Kevin didn't know it was true when they fabricated it so they still get major lying/manipulation points with me.

Meanwhile back at the trailer park, Jordan is popping one of Jeff's zits. Ummm ewww. Now I've had many lovers in my life and I've never ever ever popped one of their zits. I want to falsely think my significant others have zero bodily functions (other than the ones that matter), never expel waste, and never in a million years need me to extract bacteria from their pores. I'm sorry, but that's a deal breaker.

After this horrifying pimple popping session, Jordan is outside telling Michele and Jordan a lovely tale about how once her ear was crusty and gross and she didn't know why. I'm warning you now, put down your muffins, your bagels, your egg mcmuffins... this story is going to make you hurl. So anyhow, Jordan had a crusty ear and she assumed it was a pimple that she couldn't reach. One day after shaving her legs in front of her trailer with a garden hose, Jordan decided to dig in with a Q-tip (probably one she's used over and over again). She pops said pimple and a giant pool of puss and blood begins to gather in her ear. Well, pretty precious pony Jordan was shocked by all the goo. She assumed her one little pimple had turned into a minefield of pimples and they all exploded at once. I'll pause for you to clean up your vomit.

Keep in mind she just told this magical bedtime story to Michele and Jeff. Michele crawls into a corner and shoves a swimming pool raft up her rectum and sucks her thumb while Jeff simply says, "I don't think I can be friends with you anymore." Jordan says, "Come on!" Jeff replies, "I don't get pimples." Jordan says, "Yes you do. I just popped one!" OK not only am I thoroughly disgusted at this point, but a lightbulb has turned on in this big powerful brain of mine. No girl in her right mind would ever tell a man she's interested in such a story. That's a story you shouldn't tell anyone, but if you did decide to tell it you'd share it with friends as something to laugh over. Never in a million years would a girl tell that story to a man she wants to get busy with. From this day forth Jordan will always be seen as puss ears to Jeff and this makes me think that maybe, just maybe, she's totally using Jeff after all. This theory has been pitched to me before and I never really put any thought into it, but now I'm convinced that Jordan views Jeff as nothing more than a friend. She's a complete and total cock tease leading him on with zero intention of sealing the deal.

Jordan's cock teasing is really beginning to get to Jeff. I've mentioned he's backed up before but after the events of today I'm convinced that if he doesn't give himself a little self love, he'll kill someone in the very near future.

Michele has witnessed how Jordan has totally disgusted Jeff is and she sees it as her way in. Ass Licker conveniently changes the topic to Jeff's hot bod. She fondles her girly bits and tells him how tan he is. She actually calls him "bronzed". Jeff looks at her like she's a freak and says he's not wearing a shirt because he "doesn't want to pit it out". Excuse me... need to vomit. Ok so seriously, what the hell is the deal with these HG's and their pit issues? Michele's are stinky and stain her shirts, Jordan keeps sniffing hers, and Jeff fears for his wardrobe because of his. I realize I'm a lovely magical fairy of purity, but seriously I shave, put on deodorant, and go about my business. I never smell, I've NEVER stained a shirt, and I have no fear of my clothes. Are the HG's just really dirty or are they not using the right deodorant? I mean, seriously, what the hell is going on in that filthy house? Oh and how many times did I say "seriously" in that paragraph? I could write for Grey's Anatomy.

Michele continues her dance with awkwardness by telling a story about a dead praying mantis. Russell has now joined story hour and chimes in with his tale of putting a bug in a ziploc baggie to taunt Chima with. Apparently, BB pulled Russ into the DR and reprimanded him for torturing insects. They told him that PETA would be all over CBS' ass if he kept on catching bugs so they advised him to knock it off. Jordan says, "Wait, why don't they want you to catch bugs?" Jeff, sensing the hour long explanation of PETA that's likely to follow such a question, replies, "Don't worry about it Jordan. It's fine." Jordan smiles and crams a brick of cream cheese in her mouth.

This brings us to the big POV competition. Real life had the nerve to interfere with my day yesterday and I raced home as fast as I could knowing the post POV antics would be epic. It turns out everyone and their grandmother decided to be fuckwits out on the road and they prevented me from making it home on time. Fear not, dear readers, that Flashback thingie is a godsend and I was able to capture all the magic word for word.

Jeff, thought it was about time to tickle my no-no, and he has taken Kevin off the block and put Russell up in his place. A giant rainbow shot across the sky, Starbursts fell out, Mr. O'Shaugnessy crawled under my desk, and I put on my Vegas headdress. The Scarfed One is safe!

What ensued afterwards can best be described as a Clash Of The Tools. Jeff and Russ are sitting outside - Jeff perched on top of the mini fridge and Russ ensconced on the BY couch. It's eerily silent. Testosterone is brimming up to a boil under the surface and you can see steam start to leak out of both their ears. Jeff turns to Russ and asks him if he wants to talk about it. Russ tells him to go for it. Jeff says, "You gotta know it was a smart move on my play." That's verbatim. It doesn't make any sense, but that's what he said. Russell asks Jeff if he remembers swearing on his family that the Final 4 wouldn't turn on each other. Jeff tells him that yes, indeedy, he remembers, but Russell went behind his back and made a Final 2 with Michele which, in effect, makes the aforementioned Final 4 null and void. Jeffy Pooh, no it doesn't. Whatever Russ wants to do after your Final 4 deal is his perogative. He could have had a Final 2 with you, but that wouldn't change the fact that the Final 4 deal was set to be Jeff, Jordan, Russ, and Michele. Jeff is wrong in his logic but it ends up in a happy place so I'll let him run with it.

OK now here is where the magic happens. Russ says, "If you don’t fucking win this game you better hope you don’t come to the jury house cuz I will mop your face all up and down that ground and I fucking mean it.” Jeff replies, “Honestly, I will lose $500,000 and bust you in the fucking mouth if you ever talk to me like that again.” *giggles* So good, right? It's on bitches!

The dialogue is simply poetry and since I was able to pause this little gift from heaven I took the liberty of transcribing it...

Jeff continues, “I will come to your house and fucking stab you in the fucking neck so you better fucking bring the pain.”
Russ says, “That is a fucking threat right now. You better fucking win cuz I will feel sorry for you if you walk into that house. Right now, in front of everyone and that’s a fucking threat!”
Jeff, “You better get somebody out here before I cut this motherfucker’s throat just so you know.”
Russ, “I’d like to fucking see it. Don’t pull out a fucking gun unless you’re gonna use it”
Jeff, “Yeah I fucking use my gun! Make a fucking move. I’ll cut your motherfucking throat! Are you fucking crazy? You don’t fucking know me you fucking pussy!””
Jeff continues, “Go ahead big mouth. Go ahead big mouth. You don’t know me on the streets. You think you’re a fucking fighter? I will knock you the fuck out dude!”
Jeff, “You think I’m scared of you and your fake fucking fights. I’m not fucking scared of you!”
Russ, “You better fucking win when you make threats like that.”

I know. I know. We all need a cigarette and a snifter of Brandy after reading something so gorgeous. It's morning and I'm already lighting candles and turning on the Kenny G.. When 2 insecure meatheads (and yes, I'm counting Jeff as one at this point) tickle each others no-no's like they just did, I need to create atmosphere. I've draped myself in velvet, blacked out the sun, ordered Mr. O'Shaugnessy to paint my toes, and whipped out my opium pipe. I want my toes blood red Mr. O'Shaugnessy. The blood represents... well, it represents the blood Jeff wanted to spill by puncturing Russell's jugular. It's a pretty straightforward use of imagery.

For the record, no way Jeff would win in a fight against Russell. Russell would fight dirty. He'd yank balls and give wedgies and shit like that. Even though Jeff apparently has a lengthy fighting life on "the streets" (probably straight out of West Side Story), I just don't see him kicking Russell's ass. Sure, Russell hasn't won a pro fight, but he's got that out of control temper that is ALWAYS begging to get out. Jeff, on the other hand, needs to be completely sexually frustrated in order for his anger to show it's face. Russell has ferocity on his side. My money is on him.

Jordan, standing on the elliptical high on Mentos and cake batter, jumps in saying Russ is just mad because Jeff made a good move. Oh butt out chunky monkey. Russell apparently was feeling my vibe because he calls her a lapdog and Jordan says, “Don’t say stuff about when he comes to the jury house. You’re not gonna do shit!” Russ turns to Jeff and says, “Wow. She’s gotta fight your battles. Wow that’s cute.” Jordan continues, “You’re just pissed cuz you’re gone! You’re pissed cuz Jeff got you before you got him!” Russ asks Jeff, "Does Jordan wear the pants in the relationship?" Jeff says, "Yes, don’t insult my manhood. " LMAO. Don't insult my manhood? As much as I want Russ on the block and gone, Jeff is such a mega tool in this whole fight that it makes it hard to root for him. Is he really that insecure about his manhood? The best thing he can think of saying throughout this whole thing is that he's going to stab Russ in the neck? Really, Jeff? Really? Jeff Pooh, come here because I want to tell you something. You are no less of a meathead than Russell. You are not above him. You are not below him. You are just fucking like him and it kills you that America has now seen it for themselves. For a guy who made fun of Russ for making threats throughout his entire stay, you sure did manage to outdo him in a matter of minutes. You're a tool Jeff. You're nothing but a tool who had a few good one liners here and there.

You're not convinced yet that I'm right, are you? Well. allow me to continue.

Jeff, “Why are you so mad cuz you got got bro?”
Russ, “I’m not mad. I said it was a good move.”
Jeff, “Don’t fucking threaten me cuz I’m gonna never back down I’m telling you that right now.”
Russ says he’s not mad. It was a good move. Just don’t ever fucking threaten him or his family. He says again he'll wipe the floor with Jeff in the jury house.
Jeff, “I don’t believe you’re a fucking fighter. I think you get your fucking ass kicked.”
Jeff, “I’ll be in your fucking dojo next week you fucking dork!”

Jeff then says that all his threats to Russell's family were a joke. I realize they were a joke. By no means do I think Jeff is a potential serial killer (although the boy does have some serious issues lurking around inside of him). I don't think Jeff is that stupid to say something like that and actually mean it. My question is, why even say it in the first place? It's not like it was particularly funny. Someone in the chats said that it's his sense of humor, a "Chicago thing" where threatening violence is a joke. I know Chicago very well. Most of my family lives there. My dad has a house there. I'm not personally aware of this "Chicago thing", but Jeff should know better than to make threats like that on a live feed even if they're joke. I think if anyone but Jeff had made those remarks, that person would have been severely reprimanded by BB. That guy in Season 2 got kicked out for playing around with a knife. He wasn't going to really use it. He just took a joke too far. I don't see any difference in Jeff telling Russ he'll stab someone in his throat and kill his family. Don't get me wrong I LOVED every minute of the fight and wished someone threatened sodomy or something, but my Hypocradar was beeping and you guys know I can never ignore it.

Jordan. hungry for food when none is around, tries to jump in. Russ tells her, “I don’t need a sidekick." Jordan replies, “I’m not a sidekick” Uh yes you are precious. Now go lick a jar of mayonnaise and leave me alone.

Russ tells him he was never going after him until final 4, but now that he threatened his family he’s gonna be waiting for him in the jury house and BB will have to have people there waiting. Jeff is now getting pissed that Russ keeps bringing up the family thing. He wants him to drop it and move on. I know exactly why Jeff wants him to drop it. It's because Jeff realizes it was a bad joke that makes him looks stupid. It's finally hit him and now he really wishes it would all just go away and disappear.

This brings me to my favorite little bit of dialogue. I can liken it to William Blake, Lord Byron... no, Tennyson maybe. I don't know, but it rivals someone really good.

Jeff says, “You got to lay in bed and face facts that you got got.”
Russ responds, “You got me just don’t ever threaten my family again."
Jeff, “You better come through with your fucking promise or you’re going to look like a yo-yo… you’re going to look like a yo-yo when I knock you the fuck out.” Yo-yo? Who breaks out a word like "yo-yo" in a heated fight?
Jeff continues, “Get real with yourself. I’m not fucking scared of you.”
Jeff, “I will fucking stab you in the neck and not give a fuck.”
Russ, grabbing his balls, says, “Looking at you.. this is going to be fun.”
Jeff mocks him for grabbing his balls, calls him a huge nerd yet claims to refuse to attack his character.
Jeff, “You do you bro and I’ll do me cuz I’ll go a lot further in life than you.”
Jeff, “I know I’m going places!”

Ok Ok... stop! *bursts into a fit of giggles* "I know I'm going places" AHAHAHAHA! This is West Side Story! All this needs is some trumpets and a saucy Latin dance number. Someone get Andrew Lloyd Webber on the phone. He needs to pen a new song called, "I know I'm going places". As a Musical Theater brat (for my 12th birthday I partied with the cast of Les Miserables at the Kennedy Center) I know I'm right on the money about "I know I'm going places" being a hit song. It could be Susan Boyle's next hit. It was about time she dumped that Fontine song anyways. Where are my gays at? You guys know I'm totally right, don't you?

Ok. Resume fight...
Russ informs Jeff that he actually has a career.
Jeff then says the phrase that pays, “You got got, you got got, you got got, you got got.”

Ok so here I'm picturing something out of STOMP!. Maybe they use trash can lids and bang them together after someone sings, "You got got!". It'll go like this, "You got got!" Clang! Swanky Cuban backbeat. "You got got!" Clang! Pas de bourree, jazz hands, pirouette. "You got got!" Clang! Fade to black. Curtain drops.

From this point on in the fight, anytime Russ says anything Jeff just says “Fuck you”. It's all very mature and dignified.
Jeff, “Make another comment, fuck you."
Jeff, “You will never be better than me. Your character is shit. Your friends? You have none. You have no character…”

Yadda yadda, yadda. I thought Jeff said he wasn't going to attack Russell's character? So much for that huh?

It was very funny and very stupid and now you can watch it all for yourselves. Please to enjoy:

Afterwards, Jordan delights in retelling the fight to whoever will listen. She's telling Kevin and Natalie how Russ and Michele wanted them out all along. Jeff and Russ, meanwhile, just continue to sit outside not talking to each other. Jordan is now a psychologist and she begins to speculate that Russell is a pathological liar. Seriously, I don't even think she knows what "pathological" means.

After Jordan leaves to go lay out, Kevin and Natalie begin Celebration Time! Natalie turns to Kevin and says, “The LML is a success!” She continues, “I’m proud of myself. I finally did something in this game and it worked to my advantage.” That's right Ragamuffin. You pulled it off. You deserve to be proud. I won't begrudge you that at all. Kevin says, “I thought they were going to kill each other.” Natalie tell him she wanted to chime in and stand up for Jeff, but she stayed quiet cuz she knows Russ will end up on the jury so why piss him off unnecessarily. Good move Ragamuffin. Kevin muses, “Jeff’s hilarious when he fights.”

They go on to question whether or not Russ is a real fighter. Kevin says, “I think he fights for pussy” LOL. Leave it to Fabulicious to pull a killer one liner. The Ragamuffin replies, “He can’t be too good at it cuz he has another job. Like Michael Phelps doesn’t have another job. He’s a swimmer.” You can't argue with that logic. Ragamuffin gets sentimental and asks, “Aren’t you happy I’m here over Lydia?” She really wants Kevin's approval doesn't she?

Ragamuffin and Fabulicious say Jeff should have just let Kevin win HOH. They think he’s regretting winning right now. Jeff is quickly realizing he’s in trouble next week. Kevin says that in the short term, he and the Ragamuffin now actually have a chance. Before they had NO chance, but now they have a chance. That's right sweet cheeks. It's time to grab your most colorful pedal pushers, your longest fringed scarf, and start basking in your greatness. I knew it was a good idea to get onboard the Kevin Train Of Love. Seriously, how right have I been? I knew Michele was a freak long before anyone else and I knew the Ragamuffin had it in her to fight the good fight. I'm so Nostradamus. I just know.

Natalie's biggest challenge is going to be keeping her mouth shut from here on out. We'll talk more about this in a second, but at this point Natalie has gone outside to join Jeff in the backyard. They're talking about how Russ totally lied about Casey being his “dawg”. Natalie says Russ told Jessie to put Casey up! Jeff says Casey would come outside to smoke at 6 and Russ would come out to workout. There was no friendship there. They talk about how Russ said he liked Braden too and he was even telling Braden stories last night. Jeff says, “Those were my stories! He’s telling my stories!”. Then they start laughing about how Braden would brag about all the famous friends he had yet he bitched about being homeless when he left house. Natalie says she wanted to ask Braden, “Why don’t you call up one of your famous friends to hook you up?” They all laugh and a good time was had.

Natalie then finds herself alone in the kitchen with Russell. She tells Russ that people underestimate her in this game. Russ says that she’s really an amateur poker player and that’s her twist. She says she’s 18 and she plays in Indian Casinos. She tells Russ she heard he wants her out. Russ tells her everone is saying what they think she wants to hear. Russell said he wanted Kevin out because Kevin comes close to winning all the time. No offense but Kevin is way more of a threat than Natalie.

He tells Natalie that all along he wanted Kevin on the block. If he had it his way, Kevin and Lydia would have been on the block last week. He never wanted Natalie up. After Jordan won the veto during last week's live show, he told her to put up Kevin in Natalie's place. Russ says, “I was pushing for Kevin so fucking hard.” He tells her to think outside the box from here on out and to consider both sides of the story. Russ kind of wishes her well and tells her he wants her to win. He even embraces her a couple of times and tries to make ammends.

Russ goes on to give her more pearls of wisdom. “Do what Jeff is doing and don’t say anything bad about anyone. It’ll come back to you." Good advice if you ask me. Natalie says, “I can’t stand Michele. I can’t stand that bitch.” Russ tells her, “You have to leave her here. If you want to win you have to leave her here.” Russ reminds her again not to get personal in the game. Natalie can win against Michele. She has to keep her.

Does the Ragamuffin dwell on his advice and invoke the power of her sensai? No. She immediately runs to Kevin and says, “Oh my god he hates you!” Ragamuffin! Shhhhh. Just shhhh.

Then we see Russell, Natalie, and Kevin all sitting on the couches together. Ragamuffin tells Russell that she told Jeff she’s still gonna play cards and talk to Russ. Girl is working his jury vote like the rent is due tomorrow! This whole time she's LOUDLY munching chips and totally driving me fucking crazy. It's almost enough for me to hate her again, but not quite. Russell then tells Kevin that he wanted him on the block and gone, but that Kevin should think of it as a compliment because Rusell saw him as a threat.

Russell then goes on a weird kiss assy tangent. He tells Kevin he never called him a faggot. Jeff was the one who called Russ a faggot. Russ was never mean to Kevin. Jessie was the one who was mean to him and Jeff calling Russ a faggot is an insult to gay men everywhere. Russ tells Kevin he was a little upset Kevin didn’t stick up for him when Chima was throwing around the racial slurs. He thought if anyone could understand it would be Kevin because he’s a gay man and half black and has been bullied in his life. Kevin tells him he wish he knew all this earlier. He says he told Chima not to say the racist stuff. Russ continues to really push the faggot stuff saying it’s a sign of Jeff’s character. What Russ is really doing is buttering Kevin up. He's gonna make a pitch to him and he's just testing the waters. If his pitch doesn't work, then maybe he's succeeded in causing Kevin to go after Jeff now. Whether or not these plans of his work, I admire his resolve. You guys know how much I hate it when a player just gives up.

This whole time Michele is up in the HOH with Jeff trying to get into his pants. She's giggling and touching herself and Jeff is just grossed out and confused. She's giving Jeff exactly what he wants which is an ear. Jeff is gonna continue to recap that fight and bash Russ for as long as he possibly can.

Jeff will literally rehash the fight at any given opportunity. They do it in the HOH, in the kitchen, outside, in the Green Room. Wherever there is oxygen Jeff will recap the fight. Russell, on the other hand, has his mind on the game. He was going over dates of house events outside with Natalie. She gets up and runs inside informing everyone that Russ is wrong about all his information. Jordan says Ronnie probably gave him wrong days. Well, I went to the man himself for confirmation and here is what Ronnie had to say, @ColetteLala yeah I did !!! I even posted that immediately after my eviction !! He was dumb to believe me, glad I aided his eviction >8)

Kevin tells Natalie she needs to stop talking to Russell because he could take something she says and twist it around to make her look bad. Ragamuffin is saying that no matter what Jordan would never vote to keep Russell in the game after what happened today with Jeff. Kevin jokes with her that maybe he'll vote to keep Russell. Impeccable timing for that joke because here is where Russ makes his pitch to Kevin.

Russ and Kevin are playing pool and Russell makes a pitch for Kevin to keep him. Kevin says he'll consider it and he's actually really convincing. People in the chats were thinking he'd cross over, but I had a feeling Kevin was playing Russ all along. Russell tells Kevin he should talk to Michele and organize things with her. Kevin tells Russell to do it. Russell tells him that Michele was in the Splish Splash room crying after Russ was put on the block. I have no idea if this is true, but I would have loved to have seen it if it was. You know how much I'd love to see Michele cry.

Jeff and Jordan are now officially paranoid. They know Jordan MUST win HOH next week and the mere thought just makes me giggle. Although I wouldn't doubt for a second if BB changed the HOH comp to a cookie dough eating contest just to makes sure their precious Jeff was safe. So anyhow, the Boring Twins are scared so they decide to count everything they can in the Green Room. They literally spend hours and hours counting. They keep having to start over because they're fucking up all the time and there's only 1 brain cell left between them.

Jordan begins to slip tiny pieces of paper into the rolls she's counting. Unless they're numbered I don't see how this will help her. Bitch can't count higher than 20.

After that the whole house passed out and the first 40 minutes of BBAD was literally shots of the HG's sleeping. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why BB didn't just wake them all up. That was ridiculous what aired on Showtime last night. I started watching The Notorious Bettie Page instead and kept flipping back to see all the HG's still sleeping.

Late last night Kevin told Natalie what Russ pitched to him. If he told Natalie he's obviously not going to vote her out. They discuss how Jeff needs to go next week and my excitement grows. Where is Mr. O'Shaugnessy hiding now? I need him here to tickle my no-no. I gave him a party hat, a can of cheese whiz, and a mirror and I'm almost scared to see what he's up to right now.

Anyhow, Jordan spent lots of time stroking Jeff's ego telling him he's better than Russell. That's nice and all Jordan, but I have a feeling Jeff would rather you stroke something else. The boy is extremely stressed and frustrated and what he needs right now is a good old fashioned boink fest.

I'm going to end this here. This was super long today. More than made up for yesterday.

Here's a mini contest: Tell me which movie the line, "good old fashioned boink fest" comes from and you're a winner!

The Men Don't Know But The Little Girls Understand

Yesterday I dreamed about entering the Big Brother house myself. It turns out my dream was indeed somewhat prophetic. Someone new has entered the Big Brother house. He's arrogant, likes to yell a lot, bosses people around, says "Fuck" all the time, and thinks he's running the show. Do you know you I'm talking about yet? Why yes, it's Evil Jeff. The old Jeff has left the building and Evil Jeff is large and in charge. I kind of like Evil Jeff in a weird way. His pride is way out of control and it's causing him to make dumb decisions. Dumb decisions make my no-no tingle so bring it on Jeffy Pooh!

Yesterday before the POV competition, Jeff and Jordan were a little worried about Michele and Russell. Jeff and Jordan want to backdoor Russell and Michele has been doing nothing but stick up for him all day. If she were to win, it would be next to impossible to get her to use the veto. Jeff starts to yell at Jordan for always sitting in on important conversations yet never contributing anything. Apparently, Michele was in the HOH with them talking about Russell and Jordan just sat there with the headphones on pretending not to listen. Jeff ripped his shirt off, turned green, and berated Jordan for not calling out Michele and backing him up. He says she's always defending herself when, in fact, she really does nothing. Ouch. Love it. It was at this precise moment that I turned on the feeds. Jeff was yelling at Jordan and thinking about backdooring Michele. I immediately though to myself, "Is this Xanadu? Will Olivia Newton John come gliding through on roller skates? How exciting!"

Michele then walks in out of nowhere. She's giggling to herself and goes to give Jordan a hug. Jeff snaps at her asking her why she's laughing. Michele just gyrates and slop starts foaming out of her mouth. Jeff insists on knowing why Jordan got a hug and he didn't. Michele snorts, laughs, and says she's always gives Jordan a hug when she's enters the room. She opens her big stinky arms and says she'll give Jeff a hug too. I hit myself over the head with a sledgehammer while Mr. O'Shaugnessy rubbed my shoulders.

Jeff starts yelling at Michele for kissing Russell's ass and asks, "How long does Russell need his dick sucked until he cums?" *giggles* Oh Evil Jeff, you're so funny. Can you please never come to your senses and stay mad and paranoid all day long? Michele tells Jeff that even though Russ is her Final 2, they never discuss it. Well, Evil Jeff doesn't buy it for a second and yells at Michele for laughing at the end of every single one of her sentences. It was at about this point that I put a feather boa on and wore my headdress. I like to wear my Vegas Showgirl Headdress when I find something to be particularly delicious and Michele getting called out for her lame ass laughing is one of those instances.

(FYI, The Soup is starting and I just saw that they're going to do a BB story.)

Then the feeds go down for hours for the POV comp and when they finally return I realize how smart I was to have both my nipple clamps and my hot poker ready. Jordan was out first, but Jeff won the veto. What the fuck? Seriously? Don't you realize how much bigger his head is going to get now? While I enjoy Evil Jeff's antics I hate his smugness. He won't shut up about how much power he has. That I know for sure. At first as I was scared. I'll admit it. I was really scared. The Flip-Flop Twins have yet to stick to their "Backdoor Russell" plan and Mr. O'Shaugnessy proceeds to gently stick the hot poker up my nose. Jeff has shirt off, his chest puffed up, and he's bossing Jordan around like there's no tomorrow. The chat hags didn't like this side of Jeffy Pooh at all. That made me chuckle so I cheered Jeff on hoping he'd call Jordan fat or something.

Then it happened. Did you hear it? Tell me you heard it. The clouds parted, the angels started to sing "Give In To Me", Farrah waved, and Jeff told Jordan that he's taking Kevin off the block and putting up Russell. Mr. O'Shaughessy! Nipple clamps now! I kicked up my heels, poured myself a giant glass of Chardonnay (which I'd later regret because on an empty stomach a giant glass of the giggly juice isn't the best of ideas), and let Mr. O'Shaugnessy tickle my no-no. Oh the time we had! I gave Mr. O'Shaugnessy a hot pocket (wink wink) and he slept like a wee baby all night long.

Jordan tells Jeff, "I have a good feeling about it. I had a chance to do it last week and I didn't." That's right Jordan. You didn't use your power and that is why you are dead to me now tubby. Jeff tells Jordan how he's going to approach Kevin and offer to take him off the block if he promises not to nom Jeff next week. Then he wants to go to Michele and finalize their Final 3 deal. It's at this point that Jeff thinks he has this whole show wrapped up. I mean, BB might as well just hand him the check right now. Nothing can possibly go wrong at this point right? Jordan continues to talk in circles over and over about how she doesn't trust Russell and, to be quite honest with you, I muted her. This bitch has a gift for gab, but it's useless mindless gab I've heard a million times before. When she gets a new thought I'll unmute her.

Meanwhile Russell is in the Green Room pouting. AHAHAHA!!! It brought a tear to my eye and my blackened heart began to turn light gray. Russell knows something stinks in suburbia and he's not pleased. He's got that not so fresh feeling that perhaps his alliance is turning on him. Well, maybe it wasn't so smart to trash your alliance at every opportunity huh pumpkin? Did you really think you could talk shit about Jeff all day long and get away with it? Michele has proved to you over and over again how untrustworthy and psychotic she is yet you continue to tell her how much you want Jeff out of the house. You're an idiot Russell and idiots should be safely ensconced far away from the BB house. Jordan should have obviously left weeks ago, but don't worry Russ she'll be joining you shortly in the Jury House.

The rest of the HG's are in the kitchen making dinner and Jordan is basically shoveling everything she can into her mouth as fast as she can. She spends the rest of the night eating and being totally shocked that she was elimated first in the POV comp. Apparently, now that Jeff gave her the HOH and she basically copied every move Michele made in the last POV, she's some sort of Queen of Comps now and any type of failure completely mystifies her. Jordan precious, you're still a moron and couldn't win a comp of your own to save your life. Now go eat a tub of butter and leave me alone.

Dinner conversation last night was very interesting. First Natalie was talking about loving the original 90210 and knowing it was on Monday nights. Wait a tic... I was in high school/college when the original 90210 was on the air. I'm like 10 years older that Natalie. Was she 6 years old when she liked the show or is she talking about the late late seasons when Brenda and Dylan were already long gone? Feedsters immediately thought Natalie would get caught for lying about her age, but 90210 was on for 10 years so if Natalie is talking about the later years then that would make her a teenager and that's actually believable. For the record, my favorite 90210 moment is when Kelly and Dylan come clean to Brenda in the park about their affair and Brenda shouts, "Look I hate you both! Never talk to me again!" It's soooo scandalous. I could watch that shit over and over again. Hell, why don't we?

After Dylan and Kelly come clean Brenda turns into an Uber Bitch and goes on the warpath. Oh wait... I can't talk 90210 here, can I? Damn you bitches! That reminds me... remember when Kelly was at the Beach Club and she saw Dylan and that song, "Damn I wish I was your lover" played? Ok ok I'm done, but I'm warning you if Natalie mentions 90210 again I'm going off.

The dinner talk eventually turns to Lydia and I got to tell ya the feeds came alive, twitter kicked into high gear, and everyone suddenly had something to say. I was chatting with a fellow BB fan at the time and I said, "See! The most interesting thing in the house today is a conversation about Lydia!" My fellow BB fan promptly said, "I hate you." I was tickled pink. Lydia will never die in this house if I have anything to say about it. LOL

The HG's speculate that Lydia's evil plan all along was to get Chima to quit so Jessie would come back. I don't really know that I buy that. I think that's giving her way too much credit. If that was part of some big diabolical plan then I love her even more now. Not for wanting Jessie back but for getting Chima to leave. Ragamuffin chimes in and insists that she never liked Lydia. Even after Jessie left, Ragamuffin still hated her even though they were acting like besties. Jeff jumps in saying he coudn't believe Natalie and Lydia cleaned Jessie's underwear and made him food. Natalie gets super defensive saying she only made him a sandwich and, in fact, Jessie was the one who made her food. She's saying over and over again, "He was good to me" and it totally sounds like she's talking about her pimp. The whole table then launches into a Jessie bashing free for all and it got pretty funny at times.

Kevin says how Jessie told him that he likes to collect girls who will do things for him and that basically Lydia and Natalie were just 2 more to the bunch. Kevin says how angry he was to discover that everything he had told Lydia regarding game she had ran and told Jessie. Jeff interjects saying that he still can't believe the girls would do the guys laundry when he had zero personality and couldn't form a sentence. This is the Evil Jeff I like... when his arrogance is funny. They all laugh at how the girls were crying over Jessie leaving and writing his initials on their faces. You can tell that Ragamuffin is uncomfortable and she continues to defend Jessie saying that he was nice to her so why would she turn on him? Here's how comfortable she was with the whole conversation:

Russell wakes up after everyone loudly bashing Jessie and he joins the table. He just sits there though and doesn't say a thing. My first thought was Russ could totally use this whole conversation to turn Lydia and Jessie against Jeff if he makes it to the Final 2. If Jeff manages to get Russell out this week, then Russell will be furious. Don't think he won't march into that Jury House busting with all this juicy gossip he's acquired. I mean, that's what I'd do. No way in hell would the person responsible for getting me out of the house get my vote. I'm bitter and I hold a grudge, but I'm extremely lovable. I swear.

While I was thinking that Russell could use this conversation for some revenge later I was also thinking that Ragamuffin needs to shut her trap and stop defending Jessie. Jeff is one of those guys who likes to be told what he wants to hear and Natalie sticking up for Jessie is most definitely something he does not want to hear. At one point, Natalie says, "Well everyone hated Jeff in the beginning!" Out of nowhere you hear Michele scream, "Not everybody hated Jeff!" It was extremely awkward and made no sense. BB11_Unleashed claims Michele has tourette's, but I think Michele is madly in love with Jeff. Sure, she's married, but I think she'd do the nasty with Jeffy Pooh in a heartbeat!

The dinner conversation comes to a close and Jeff asks Jordan to make out. She says no and then she says maybe later. The chat hags whipped themselves into a hormonal frenzy and I very loudly rolled my eyes. Jordan retreats to rest her massively growing ass up in the HOH bed and Michele comes bursting through the door. She's all in a tizzy over Natalie, but I really think she just wants to try to catch Jeff naked or something. She asks Jordan if they can have a talk and Jordan says sure. Michele launches into a nonsensical tirade about how Natalie knows exactly how to push her buttons and how she's imagining Natalie sending her subliminal smiles or some shit like that. She's chewing her face, constantly giggling, and giving me anxiety. She thinks Natalie tried to make herself sound so innocent and now she wants to strangle her. This is how Michele would strangle Natalie. Looks more like an ass grab to me:

Jordan changes the subject to the Veto Comp and she starts in again about how she can't believe she was first one out. Then Jordan opens her vault yet again and starts telling Michele how Jeff doesn't trust Russell. Apparently, Russell was openly cheering for Michele to win the veto. If this is true, then Russ is an idiot and he deserves to leave. Jeff walks in and asks what's up and Michele starts telling him about her thong. I'm totally not kidding. She launches into how her thong was sticking out of her pants and her pants were falling down and how she remembered she's not wearing a thong anymore and I just sat here horrified wondering how long it'll take for Michele to stick one of her dildos in Jeff's ass.

Thankfully, Russell enters the room and Michele is forced to shut up. He sits down and the guy is so paranoid that he always looks like he's on the verge of tears whenever he speaks. They recap the Jessie convo downstairs and Russell said he didn't say anything becuase Natalie was making him so mad. It's so obvious what Michele and Russ are trying to do. They're trying to convince Jeff that Nat can't be trusted. Well, sure, she can't, but shut up already or you'll ruin my plans! Russell tells Jordan that Natalie used to always throw them under the bus. Jordan just looks at him with the worst poker face ever and Russell says, "What? You don't believe me?"

Russ says, "Since when does Natalie want to be Jordan's friend?" Michele chimes in and they go to work making Natalie look like the devil. Jeff interrupts them and says that everyone at one point was on Team Jessie. He looks at Russell and says, "You were on Team Jessie." He turns to Michele and says, "You were on Team Jessie too!" Michele blurts out, "but he forced me!" AHAHAHAHA!!!! She kills me. Jeff says something along the lines of, "No one can force you to be in an alliance Michele"

Russell starts saying how he doesn't want to be anywhere near Kevin or Natalie but he'll just explode at them and that won't be a good thing. I object! I'm always up for a good fight. Russ says how Natalie and Jessie were using him the whole time and he starts to throw a big, "Woe is me" pity party. It's truly pathetic. He tries to convince Jeff that he's been tight with him since Week 4 and Jeff, for some reason, thinks their friendship is brand spanking new. Jeff just keeps throwing Russell's vote for Jessie to stay back in his face and Russell claims he was desperate for votes. It makes no sense and it was giving me a headache hearing them rehash everything they've already rehashed over and over again. Russell is bringing up teeny tiny shit from Week 1 and Jeff is having none of it. He's drunk on power so he just lies lazily in his big chair and refutes anything Russ says.

Here's the clip of the whole scene:

Russ and Michele eventually leave and Jordan tells Jeff about her convo with Michele before Jeff came in. She reenacts Michele saying Russ won’t put up Jeff and Jordan and Jeff immediately says, “That’s a lie! She’s lying when she does that!” I can’t help but giggle and make myself a whipped cream bikini.

Jeff says he thinks Russ knows it’s coming and Jeff admits to being cocky. They talk about how Russ was totally lying about Casey. Jordan knows he wasn’t tight with Casey at all. Jordan talks about how the Jessie/Russell fight was all set up. Jordan says, “He really does like Jessie”. Jeff says Michele is on team Russell and that when Russ is gone, Michele will be full force with J/J. They say if Natalie or Kevin win HOH next week, they’ll go after Michele. If Michele wins, they’ll go after Kevin. Hold up buttercups. If Nat or Kevin win HOH, your asses are history! Personally, I can't wait.

It's been 5 minutes so of course Michele comes barrelling through the HOH again. She's throwing a fit over how she was asleep in the Red Room and Kevin and Natalie walked in and stole all the blankets including the one that was covering her up. Jeff is suspicious. He tells her to sleep in the HOH and he'll go down and figure out what's going on. Jeff confronts Kevin and Natalie and they said the lights were off in the Red Room so they flipped them on to get some blankets. They had NO IDEA Michele was in there sleeping and when she popped up out of bed, they apologized, grabbed Jeff and Russell's blankets and left. Remember Jeff sleeps in the HOH and Russell is a Have-Not so it's no big deal that they took their blankets. Michele just totally made up that story about Nat and Kevin viciously stealing her blanket from her. If this is how Michele fights back, then I'm on the edge of my seat to see what mole hill she'll turn into a mountain next.

The night ended with Russell threatening to explode and unleash on everyone if he's put on the block. Really? You promise? Oh how wonderful! I love you Russell. Thank you thank you thank you! I canNOT wait for that POV ceremony. If my evil plan for the week works, Kevin will be safe, Russell will go up, and then he'll gun down the whole house in a massive rage. I'm stocking up on popcorn and beer as we speak!

"The men don't know, but the little girls understand" Tell me where this quote comes from and you're a winner!