Thursday, August 27, 2009

When Whales... I mean Jordan... Attacks!

Sometimes in life ye ask and ye shall receive. For example, yesterday I called a phone number and I asked for Chinese food. 30 minutes later it arrived right at my front door. Magic! I wished deep down in my nether regions that VH-1 would replay a show I had missed. An hour later, voila! They played it. A couple days ago I crossed my fingers hoping I'd get some homoerotica in the BB house. Well guess what, my dear readers? The BB gods delivered! Everything is going my way and I'm going to spend the day gloating and thinking I'm "all that". You're probably saying to yourself, "But Lala, you already spend everyday gloating and thinking you're all that." To that I say, Bite Me!

I was actually unable to catch Jordan shovelling food in her mouth and you'll understand why a little later so instead I got her trying to eat a deck of cards. I think it counts in my little screenshot game so one more point for me! OK LOTS to cover today. This is super long.

The Houseguests are lazy sons of bitches who stay up all night and sleep all day so yesterday they awoke fairly late and went about their morning routine. Jeff was, you know, alive so Michele had to immediately start flirting with him. She tried to make some sexy eyes at him while hiding her offensive body odor, but it just came out all wrong and she ended up looking like an asshole. Michele, at one point, turns to Jeff and asks him that if she and Jordan were on the block and Jeff had the POV, who would he take off? Holy Hannah! That's a loaded question. A) She's putting him on the spot. 2) She's testing his loyalties. C) She's secretly hoping he'll turn against Jordan and make sweet love to her. 4) She just pretty much, in a roundabout way, told him why she can't trust him. Jeff refuses to answer the question saying it's silly to think in hypotheticals.

Jeff goes outside to where Russell is working out piling on barbell after barbell. Russell immediately starts in on Jeff for apparently no good reason other than... hey, it's Wednesday, why not start a fight? He's on the elliptical and starts to tell Jeff that America voted for him because they felt sorry for him. He's relentless. He won't shut up. He keeps going and going and Jeff just sits calmly by the edge of the hot tub saying nothing. Jordan shouts, "Jeff, don't say anything!" Russell sees his chance to attack and tells Jeff that he has to have a girl fight his fights for him. I begin to picture Jeff's blood begin to boil much like the water in the hot tub and I think to myself, "Lala you're an artistic genius. Those pants make your butt look fabulous!"

Jordan, obviously jelaous of my tight ass, jumps up and screams, "You hate that you’re goin’ to the jury house! You’re goin’ home! You’re goin’ home! I swear to god if I wasn’t here I’d fucking hit you over the fucking head!”

What is this? An afternoon delight of a fight? Mr. O'Shaugnessy come here quick! Get under this desk and work your magic. Those of you at home should turn down the tv, turn off your cells, lock the children in the pantry, and get ready to have your no-no's tickled. This fight is a plain and simple gift from the BB gods. It comes out of nowhere but we shall embrace it and nurture it. It's long, it's tiring, it's fucking hysterical, and you'll definitely need a cigarette when we're all through. Is everybody ready? Good. Let's continue.

Jeff shouts, “Jordan! Go inside.” Because, you know, he's the boss of everyone.
Russ says, “Yeah go inside and get some cookie dough.” *bites fist* Music to my ears I tell you. Music to my fucking ears.
Jordan continues, “You’re just tryin' to get someone to do somethin’ so we get evicted before you cuz you know you’re leavin’ on Thursday!” Then she starts to do that annoying Jameeka clap that makes absolutely no sense to me.

Russ smiles and tells her to keep going. Well, that's all Jordan needed. She jumps up off the couch and begins to attack. Look at how angry she is. Do you love it? I know I do.

She marches over to Russell screaming, "I will fucking fight with you! You think I’m fucking scared of you! I’m not fucking scared of you!” *giggles*
Jeff shouts, “Jordan!”

This is where the clouds part, skittles fall from the sky, and the choir of angels begin to sing the loveliest song I've ever heard. I'm quite sure it's "They Don't Care About Us".
Jordan marches all the way up to Russell's face and she bumps him! The bitch actually chest bumps him with her fake tatas. Could you ask for anything more heavenly? I think not.

Jeff says, “Why you gotta make me get up? Sit down over here.” LMAO. Seriously, Jeff?
Russell snaps back, “I can’t wait for them to send you home as a birthday present for me so I can beat your fucking face in!”
Jeff, “That’s good man. Keep talking. Keep talking.”
Russ, “You always say you’re going to do something and you don’t.” OK so clearly Russell wants Jeff to hit him and get evicted. It's the last chance he has so he's gonna take it. I didn't care for it when Chima tried this tactic, but Russ is a dude so of course I think it's funny and I really want someone to punch someone.
Jeff barks back, “Yeah cuz I have 500 thousand reasons not to”
Then we get fish. WTF!
Feeds come back to Russ saying how Jordan spends her time eating cookie dough and then wondering why she’s fat. AHAHAHAHA!!! Ok that's was good. That was Good dipped in 24 karat gold, sprinkled with diamonds, and draped around my neck.
Russ, of course, kills my bejeweled mood by immediately saying something moronic. He knocks Jeff for going to a Division 3 school and working telephone sales. He's desperate for that punch to send Jeff home so now he's gone personal.
Jeff replies, “What’s your career? You have seven of ‘em. Are you a fire fighter? Are you a banker? Are you in sales? Are you a navy seal? Which one are you? Which career are you? You don’t even know who you are!”

Russ ignores him and goes back to picking on Jordan. He tells her to keep twirling her hair cuz she’ll never do nothing. Jeff says, “Do you feel better about yourself yelling at a girl?”

Russell brings up the threat on his family again saying it’s a real funny joke. Jeff says the real joke is Russ threatening to mop the floor with him. Jeff tells him he’s carrying around, “anger bags”. (I'm immediately reminded of that movie PLAYING BY HEART. Angelina Jolie, Ryan Phillpe, Jon Stewart. All the women in Jolie's family call people "Anger Balls" when they get mad. Great fucking movie. See it if you haven't.) Russ then brings up “technotronics” and say Jeff should get a dictionary and think up some new words. Jeff tells him he has no friends in real life. Russ says he just wants to hug him. Huh? Where did that come from? Jeff says, “I just threw the knock out punch when you get evicted tomorrow.” Jeff goes on, “Make a move. Go into the fucking jury house and make a move and lose all your cash.”

They continue screaming at each other. A little to the left Mr. O'Shaugnessy. Jeff says that no one wants to be friends with Russell and that’s why he’s going to home. Jeff says whenever Russ mentioned that he wanted to go to Chicago and that Jeff should go to San Francisco, he'd always laugh because he never had any intention of being Russell's friend.

Russell says, “Chima was right… two peas in a pod... bunch of dumb asses… one thinks Gucci is a catch phrase, the other thinks Technotronics is a word. Life can only go up from here Jeff.”
Jeff replies, “Apparently. So I have things to look forward to.”

"I have things to look forward to" sounds like another song for the Big Brother Musical soundtrack, doesn't it? It's so positive and uplifting. I'm thinking it could be like 'So Much Better' from Legally Blonde The Musical. I'm sure if we asked Ronnie he'd agree with me. Laura Bell Bundy would do it so much justice.

Ok everyone, dim the lights, close your shades, make sure your boss isn’t looking, get one hand free cuz things are about to get homoerotic up in this bitch.

Jeff says, “Stop saying my stories… stop saying my words. Do you want to fuck me? Do you want to have sex with me? Is that your thing? What’s your thing? Do you have a hard on for me? “

*squeals and claps*

Russ, “That was the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”
Jeff, “Is it or is it real cuz all you ever do is fill your name into my stories. Do you have a crush on me? What’s your thing? Do you want to have sex with me? Seriously because I’ll show you a little ass on your way out the door if that’s what you want. Give you something to jerk off to in the jury house.”

Do it Jeff, do it! Drop your drawers!

Russ, “You look more manly now... 'You want to have sex with me!'”
Jeff, “For real man you must have a hard on. No one else is doing this.”
Russ, “Do you Jeff? Do you huh?”
Jeff, “Good one! I know you are but what am I?” AHAHAHA!!!
Russ mockingly, “Do you want to have sex with me? Do you want to have sex with me?”
Jeff, “Hey man I’m just trying to get to the bottom of your reasoning.”
Russ, “Glad they got that on camera. You look really uh… you look really good there buddy.”
Jeff, “Take a time out. Take 5 minutes to yourself. Think of a good one and I’ll be sitting right here when you want to deliver it."

*sigh* Was it good for you? I'm spent. Mr. O'Shaugnessy go get me some Brandy and bring me my opium pipe. Chop chop... times a wastin'! Don't smoke your cigarettes quite yet. We get more of this stimulating dialogue.

They continue to fight over how Russell can’t make anyone laugh but Jeff can. Jeff says, "They are laughing AT you." Russ says, "The only one who’s making you laugh is the little fatty there next to you. That’s the only person you make laugh.” Oh no he di'int! Oh yes he did! Look I have no problem with girls calling other girls fat, but guys shouldn't do that. That's like part of an unspoken code. Only catty bitches can give each other eating disorders not stinky men.

Jeff replies, “That’s classy bro”
Russ, “Classy? Yeah she was real classy when she came up to me and bumped me. She’s really classy."
Jeff, “She’s a woman bro, she’s a woman.”
Jordan jumps in, “You look like the biggest asshole on tv”
Jeff snaps at Jordan, “Just be quiet. Be quiet. Be quiet”
Jordan, obviously obeying Jeff, shouts to Russ, “You are such a fucking douche bag! You’re a douche bag! I’m not fucking scared of you!”

I have to admit it. I kind of like Jordan when she gets mad. She's fucking hysterical. Girl's got some balls. I'll give her that much.

Jeff tells Russell how he went about "this" (AKA Big Brother) all the wrong way. “It’s a game”, he says. Russ has nothing to say so he goes back to the threat Jeff made to his family. Jeff gets annoyed he brought it up again and said he apologized for making that comment. Jeff asks, “What do you want from me?” Russ replies, “I’m still going to beat the shit out of you.”

Russell says, "America gave you that power cuz America felt sorry for you that I got you."

Jeff says, “Oh yeah that’s exactly why they gave it to me. “ Jeff says America gave it to him to use to get Russ out cuz he’s such a fucking douche bag. Jeff then puts on a girl voice and pretends he’s Russ making final 2 deals with everyone. "I'll go to Final 2 with you... and you... and you." LOL. So mature.

Russ brings Kevin up for some reason saying Jeff is using him or something like that. Jordan jumps in and says, “He already told Kevin he was goin’ up before the nominations cuz he was goin’ to backdoor you!” Oh shut up Jordan. Even in the middle of a fight she's ready to spill all her secrets. They continue to argue about which comes first. Final 4 or final 2?

Jordan, “Why don’t you tell Kevin what you said after the chicken competition? Jeff don’t want to say anythin’ and start somethin’, but I don’t give a shit. I’ll say somethin’!”
Jeff screams, “Don’t say anything! Shut up Jordan already! Shut up!” Ewww. Yucky. Stinky poo. I don't like it when Jeff screams at her like that and tells her what to do. She can obviously handle herself in a fight and besides she's entertaining me right now so shut the fuck up Jeff.
Russ, “Say it tough girl.”
Jeff to Jordan “Honestly enough’s enough. Be quiet. It’s not even your problem.”
Here's where I wonder why he said that. Did he make up the comment about Russ calling Kevin a "homo" during the chicken/egg competitiong? Did Russ really not say anything?

Russ says, “Final 2 comes before Final 4 dude.”
Jeff, “That’s semantics!” Whoever said the "semantics" line first this season needs to be shot. It's so overplayed at this point.
Russ, “2 comes before 4!” Uhhh not exactly Russ. In BB, 4 comes before 2.
Jeff, “I’m one second away from knocking you in the fucking mouth!”
Russ shouts to the peanut gallery gathered on the couch, “You have to live by Jeff’s rules in Jeff’s house. Enjoy! You all are a bunch of sheep. No matter what he says, he’s gonna put you up!”

Hmmm... well, Russell is pretty much speaking gospel at this point. It is Jeff's house and anyone who doesn't obey Jeff's rules gets the wrath of Jeff's bitching. I can't argue with you there Russ.

If you missed the fight or just want to relive the magic, here it is. Thanks to Shea and bird! Please to enjoy:

After all the dust settles, Jordan is inside kind of crying. She's mad that Russell called her fat. Jordan says how she almost punched Russell, but she didn't want to lose her money. Kevin tries to calm her down and tells her that Russell is purposely trying to get people to punch him. Jordan says, "Now I know how Chima felt." Ragamuffin joins in and Jordan tells her how she wanted to punch Russell. Now, I could be wrong, but I could swear I saw a light bulb turn on over top Ragamuffin's head.

Kevin tells Jordan to promise him she will not interact with Russell anymore. Jordan can’t get her anger under control and Kevin tells her to go to the DR “and let it out”. She says, "I’ll do that later." Jordan asks Kevin if she looked crazy out there screaming at the top of her lungs. Kevin, always being a fab gay, lets Jordan vent her anger and says all the right supportive things. He tells her she’s not even close to being fat. She was cast on the show because she’s the cute adorable Southern Belle. Kevin tells her she’s the hottest girl in the house. He says, “You’re not hotter than me though.” LOL Kevin, I heart you.

Jordan and Kevin leave and Russell enters the kitchen. Natalie tells him everything Jordan was saying. Russell tells her to fill him in on everything since he’s leaving tomorrow. Russ explains to her how they (Russ, Jeff, Michele, Jordan) made the final 4 deal and how Jordan kept telling him not to talk to Natalie. Russ tells Natalie, “You need to fucking win this week.”

Ragamuffin immediately goes outside to tell Jeff and Kevin what Russell just said. Jeff starts ranting about being ousted for sticking up for Braden. He yells at Natalie for talking to Russ and says she should have said, “Get the fuck away from me.” Jeff insists on everyone hating Russ as much as he does. Since King Jeff doesn't care for Russell, then no one else should either. Jeff says, “The fact that any of you listen to him is bullshit. I mean, I’m not telling you what to do…” Uh yes Jeff, you are telling them what to do.

Natalie turns to Jordan and morphs into a sweet precious little pony. She tells Jordan not to let Russell make her cry. Jordan just lies back and stresses about how she'll have to be locked in the HOH tomorrrow with Russell.

Later Jeff yells at Jordan for talking too much outside with Russ. Jeff tells her to stop playing the dumb card because people are getting suspicious. Bwahaha! "Dumb card"? There's no dumb card here. She's just being herself!

Things die down for a few hours and the house gets boring again. A little later, Michele is talking to Jordan telling her how she cried for 2 hours in the DR because she thought Jeff and Jordan didn’t trust her. Jeff says Russell thinks he’s playing the villain role when he’s really playing the douche bag role. Jordan says how Russ will probably wear his stupid hat tomorrow cocked to one side trying to look all GQ. Jordan says she hopes when he gets out of the house that he walks down the street and people call him "faggot". Then she catches herself and says, "Well no, not that, but they can call him stupid or something." Michele jumps in and tries to tell stupid Russell stories to prove her loyalty. She says he got up in the middle of the night to punch the mattress. She laughs awkwardly and no one says anything.

Here's what I have in my notes at this point, "Boring boring boring. Jeff shaves his pits." LOL Yes, Jeff shaved his armpits.

Later in the HOH, Jeff offers Jordan a cookie and she refuses it. She claims she just brushed her teeth but I think Russ’s comments really got to her. Jeff goes on and on about how good the cookie is. He’s a dick. Natalie joins them and he offers her a cookie too. She takes it and they both talk about how soft and chewy it is. Jordan just looks depressed and dies a little bit inside.

Here is where the Ragamuffin begins to work her magic again. She's initiating LML (Last Minute Lie) Part Deux. Natalie tells Jeff and Jordan that she walked in on Michele talking to Kevin. Kevin told her she walked in at the worst fucking time because Michele was trying to feel him out as to how he wanted to vote. Later Michele went to Russell and told him that there was no way he would stay because Kevin was not onboard. Russ then decided to have that fight earlier because he had nothing to lose.

Jeff completely buys it. Natalie was just planting seeds to make Jeff suspicious of Michele, but Jeff doesn't question a word of it. He takes it for fact and hits the ground running.

Jeff tells a story about how Russ is lying to get votes. The last time Russell was on the block, he told Michele that he had Natalie’s vote 100%. He also told Jeff should that he should talk to Jessie about how Jessie would vote. Jeff didn’t want to talk to Jessie and Russ kept pushing it. Jeff thinks he’s doing the exact same thing now lying and making everyone talk to each other about voting to keep him. Remember how the other night he told Kevin to talk to Michele and Kevin told him to do it himself because he didn’t want to? In her mind, Natalie may have been lying about Michele talking to Kevin, but the lie isn't all that far fetched. It's so close to the truth that Jeff is immediately able to cite instances that back up the lie. For some reason whenever Natalie lies to Jeff, he adds to it giving it strength and legs to work it's magic. For example, Jeff says how Russell also told Michele to go to Kevin. Instead Michele just ran to Jeff and told him what Russell said.

Natalie tells Jeff and Jordan how Russ is planning his outfit for tomorrow and how he was talking about it to Kevin and asking Kevin if he knew the designer. Apparently, his suit was $1000 blah blah blah. Kevin had no idea who the designer was. Jeff proceeds to calls Russ a douchebag. They all discuss how Russ has a big speech planned for tomorrow and how he compared himself to Chima. Natalie says, “I wanted to say, you hated Chima!” Jeff concludes that Russell has no speaking skills whatsoever. And Jeff is a master debater... the same guy who used "yo-yo" in a fight?

Jeff says when Russ gets to the jury house he’ll go on a Jeff hating thing and talk about it for a few days. Jeff thinks Russ will talk about him so much that eventually even Jessie will get sick of it and tell him to shut up. Natalie jokes about saying, “I know I’m staying. Let’s get this show on the road.” in her speech. Jeff is super duper paranoid about Russ’s speech. He knows Russ will say something about Jeff threatening his family. Natalie tells them that Russell told Kevin his speech will be "classy". Jordan says, “Classy? You tell a girl to go eat more cookie dough fat ass.” I KNEW that was still bugging her. Jeff says, "How do you have sisters and talk that way to women?" Jordan thinks his dad must talk that way to his mom. She insists he must have heard it from somewhere so she comes to the conclusion that Russell's dad must verbally abuse Russell's mom. Oh Jordan, don't go there. Just don't.

Jordan worries about going to the jury house and having to deal with Russell. Natalie cleverly says, “If I win tomorrow, you won’t be in there.” Nicely done Natalie. You are so evil.

Jeff won’t shut up about Russell's speech. He says, "How is he [Russ] articulate and smart? When has he ever done anything smart. By taking my stories and repeating them that’s smart? If he says anything I’ve said tomorrow in his speech, I’m going to say we have to stop cuz I’m gonna sue him for plaigerism."

Natalie tells them how Russ said BB had brought in all the security guards and called in the swat team. Jeff laughs and says, “How does he live with himself?”

Kevin comes up to room and he brings up the LML2 as well. He tells Jeff how Russ told him Michele was going to talk to him because she’s onboard with keeping Russell. Kevin says, "Sure enough Michele comes up to me and starts to talk." Jeff says he has a feeling Michele will be going after him. Jordan asks Natalie if she ever said that she’d put Michele up against the strongest player (implying Jeff). Jordan tells her Michele told her Natalie said that. Natalie, not missing a beat, says Michele is strong. She says, “I’ll be honest with you. If I win HOH, I’m putting up you and Michele. You’ll be the pawn.” Jordan goes on to say how Michele said Natalie was going to put up Michele and the strongest player (meaning Jeff).

Jeff chimes in recapping what Michele asked him earlier. He tells the group how Michele asked him that if Jordan and Michele were on the block and Jeff won the veto, who would he take down? Jeff laughs thinking she’s an idiot if she’s doesn’t know the answer. Kevin says, "I can’t figure her out." Jordan jumps in, "Oh my god! Jeff says that every night." Kevin replies, "I call her the Question Mark." Jeff pops up and says “Oh my god dude, I say the exact same thing!” It's a bonding moment for them. Kevin says he can usually read women really well but with Michele his gay talents are useless because he can never read her mind.

Natalie then goes off about how much she can’t stand the bitch Michele. Michele got out Chima after she swore on her husband. Natalie compares Michele to Lydia and Kevin says, "She’s not a Lydia!" Jordan tells Natalie how Michele said that Natalie is some genius poker player. Jeff and Jordan throw it off as Michele was just falling for Russell’s poker lie.

They continue to bash Michele which just tickles me pink. Jeff does an imitation of Michele where he grunts and says, “Eh I don’t remember!”Natalie calls her the Bathroom Bandit because she’s always stalking the bathroom and not peeing. Jeff says he calls her Cuckoo Magoo. I popped some champagne, poured it down the front of my shirt, and squirmed in delight. I'm all about a Michele Hate Party.

Kevin and Natalie eventually leave and Jordan tells Jeff she kind of doesn’t trust Kevin and Natalie now and how she wants Michele to win HOH. Oh shit. Someone hand me a roll of cookie dough. We need to cram it in Jordan's mouth stat! Jordan says she thought that if one of them won HOH they’d put up Michele and whichever one of them (Kevin or Natalie) didn't win that week. Jeff tells her, "No, Kevin said that he’d put Natalie up. Natalie never said that." Any little teeny tiny thing about Jordan going up on the block freaks her out now. In the past she took it all in stride, but now I'm thinking that she's petrified of having to go to the jury house and spending time with people she never got to know or like.

Russ spends the evening kissing some major ass. He cooks for everyone and is SUPER nice to Kevin. Kevin asks him why he's being so nice. Russell says he wants Kevin to win. He wants Kevin to take Michele out.

Up in the HOH Jordan is still dwelling on what Natalie told her. This is stunning to me. If Jordan won HOH, she'd most definitely never put up Jeff so why does she think it's ok for Natalie and Kevin to nominate each other. God, she's an idiot. Jordan tells Michele that Natalie said she’d put them both on the block. Why can’t this bitch shut her goddamn mouth? Michele tells Jordan that Natalie really wants Jordan out. Jordan immediately believes her and begins to worry. WTF? Why does Jordan believe her now? Michele is LYING right here folks. Natalie really wants Jeff out THEN she wants Michele out. She wants Jeff out because he's strong and she wants Michele out because she hates her.

Jordan lays beached in the HOH alone crying. Jeff comes in and asks her what’s wrong and she says she’s stressed out and doesn’t know who to trust. Michele fucked with her head. Jeff tells her to take a bath. She whines and says, "Noooooooooo." You'd think Jordan was 5 by the way she was acting. It's still dumbfounding to me that she assumed Natalie would never nominate her. She's a fucking idiot so let's laugh at her. Here's what she looked like being a spoiled brat:

Jordan sees Michele on the spy screen coming up the stairs again and she gets mad.. Michele walks right in and plops down. Now tell me this is not the most evil face you've ever seen.

I want to stab it with hot pokers and squish her brains in between my fingers. I hate this bitch!

Later Natalie is in the Red Room telling Russell that if she wins HOH she's putting up Jeff and Michele and getting Jeff out. Bad Ragamuffin! You've got Jordan disease now telling all your damn secrets. I knew she wouldn't be able to keep quiet. Russell better keep his mouth shut and keep their secret. Kevin and Natalie then make fun of Jeff for actually believing they'd put each other up before they'd put him up. Ha! It is kind of funny when you think about it. How arrogant does Jeff have to be to actually believe them?

The night ends with something all you Jeff and Jordan fans have been waiting for. It only took about 6 weeks but the Boring Twins finally make out. At this point, I don't give a shit. They should have done this 5 weeks ago, but I know all of you nice romantic fans are freaking out right now so I'll recap it for you.

Jeff and Jordan are in bed doing what Jeff and Jordan do. Jeff wants some ass and Jordan won't give it to him. She's puts on her cocktease act and begins to tell him how she likes to kiss when she drinks because it makes her more uninhibited. Jeff says, "You want to open that wine?" Jordan says, "Yeah." Jeff says, "Fuck yeah." He nuzzles her neck and she squeals and pushes him away saying he's tickling her. Jordan asks him if she's a bad kisser. How the hell would he know? They've only pecked each other! Jordan tells him that she doesn't like it when guys kiss like a lizard or when their mouths get so wet they almost start to drool. Jeff jokes that when he gets drunk he likes to get sloppy. Jordan says, "Ewwww Jeff!" in that little girl voice of hers and I die a little inside. Jeff says, "Let's get sloppy." Jordan says, "No, not sloppy."

At this point Jeff has placed a boulder on his hard on trying to keep it down. They talk about all things romantic like how Michele stunk up a blanket with her B.O.. Jordan brings it back to kissing and it's obvious now she's going to give him some. It's about fucking time! Jeff tells her he likes to be the dominant one in kissing. The girls usually follow his lead. He tells her he doesn't like, "machine gun tongue". Jordan says she was worried Jeff would be a bad kisser, but instead she told everyone how good he was. I'm totally confused. When did they actually make out before this? I'm pretty sure I didn't miss it. Jeff gets all shy and tells her to stop talking about how he kisses. He says, "If it's good that's all I need to know."

Jordan says, "You got me all hyper now." Jeff asks, "You're all worked up? Wanna fool around?" Jeff puts the blanket over their heads and that's when it happens... I poop out a rainbow and vomit up a pony. Garden gnomes come to life and birds in the trees hold hands and sing a lovely tune. Flowers keep popping up in my hair and I rip them out and smash them on the ground. Jeff removes the blanket and says, "That was nice." Jordan says, "OK goodnight." He says, "Goodnight Jordan. That was beautiful." Yeah it was real beautiful. Now Jeff's got crazy blue balls and will totally try to kill Russell tomorrow. Jeff says, "Are you in a better mood now? No more tears?" Jordan nods and says, "You put me in a better mood." Oh yes Jeff, your kisses are so magical they cure all the ills of the world. Women will never have PMS again and war will be a thing of the past. Fuck off and die.

So tonight will be very exciting. I'm anxious to hear Russell's speech and even more anxious for HOH. Personally, I want Kevin or Natalie to win. I want Jeff and Michele or Jeff and Jordan on the block FINALLY. If this happens I'm throwing a rave and you're all invited. If Michele or Jordan win HOH, you can all rot in hell for all I care. I will be one grumpy beyotch tomorrow. You can count on it.

I completely forgot yesterday to congratulate Jen for guessing that "good old fashioned boink fest" does indeed come from the movie CLUELESS. Good job Jen!

Everyone please remember to vote for the BBTop50 in the upper right hand corner of the blog. We need to keep the Bitchy Big Brother Blog at #1!

Special shout out to jacksma5901 and LuKiELoOoVe12. Thanks ladies! Rub your bellies and tell your little spawn that Lala is sending them love.

Look I'm going to end this post like all you baby makers do...

Colette Lala
Mr. O'Shaugnessy... precious bundle of joy... 6/6/66

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  1. Yep! I bid Ragamuffin to win if she don't screw it all up with the "Jordan-Talk-Too-Damn-Much" desease!

  2. I want Ragamuffin to win - that way she takes all the heat for anything bad going down, and kevin will continue to come out smelling like a rose!

    Hope Kevin or Natalie wins this whole thing.

  3. Dude, when Jordan chest bumped Russell, I literally dropped a deuce right in my pants. Greatest moment of my life, like a backwards orgasm.

    Michele gets more annoying by the effin second. I swear to all that is alcoholic, that she will jump on Jeff and just start jerking him off soon. Especially if she wins HoH. She'll make Jeff rub her nuts for his safety. (Yes, she HAS nuts, and she IS nuts.)

  4. Lala, you crack me up!

    Babymaker closed until further notice as of 4/7/07

  5. Thanks, Lala. Didn't even get to go to BB yesterday, am in withdrawal. Without your blog, would be totally lost.

  6. OMG! That fight was hilarious! Way to go Jordough! I never know what Russell is trying to accomplish with his fights. They're just annoying as hell. How many chat hags answered "YES!" when Jeff asked if Russell wanted to have sex with him?

  7. Heres hoping that youre in one hell of a foul mood tomorrow!


  8. Jeff shaved his pits?!!? Wow, they are bored.

    Didn't they make out in the red room weeks ago? I thought I remember seeing it on BBAD.

  9. Make out, schmake out...she's needs to give up the punany to Jeff now!

  10. Ok. Last night's HOH competition should dispel any conspiracy theorists that the producers want J/J to win. That comp was a friggin' birthday present to Jordough. I'm surprised she didn't plop her ass down, tilt back her head & start eating the chocolate that was magically raining from the sky!