Sunday, August 23, 2009

The Men Don't Know But The Little Girls Understand

Yesterday I dreamed about entering the Big Brother house myself. It turns out my dream was indeed somewhat prophetic. Someone new has entered the Big Brother house. He's arrogant, likes to yell a lot, bosses people around, says "Fuck" all the time, and thinks he's running the show. Do you know you I'm talking about yet? Why yes, it's Evil Jeff. The old Jeff has left the building and Evil Jeff is large and in charge. I kind of like Evil Jeff in a weird way. His pride is way out of control and it's causing him to make dumb decisions. Dumb decisions make my no-no tingle so bring it on Jeffy Pooh!

Yesterday before the POV competition, Jeff and Jordan were a little worried about Michele and Russell. Jeff and Jordan want to backdoor Russell and Michele has been doing nothing but stick up for him all day. If she were to win, it would be next to impossible to get her to use the veto. Jeff starts to yell at Jordan for always sitting in on important conversations yet never contributing anything. Apparently, Michele was in the HOH with them talking about Russell and Jordan just sat there with the headphones on pretending not to listen. Jeff ripped his shirt off, turned green, and berated Jordan for not calling out Michele and backing him up. He says she's always defending herself when, in fact, she really does nothing. Ouch. Love it. It was at this precise moment that I turned on the feeds. Jeff was yelling at Jordan and thinking about backdooring Michele. I immediately though to myself, "Is this Xanadu? Will Olivia Newton John come gliding through on roller skates? How exciting!"

Michele then walks in out of nowhere. She's giggling to herself and goes to give Jordan a hug. Jeff snaps at her asking her why she's laughing. Michele just gyrates and slop starts foaming out of her mouth. Jeff insists on knowing why Jordan got a hug and he didn't. Michele snorts, laughs, and says she's always gives Jordan a hug when she's enters the room. She opens her big stinky arms and says she'll give Jeff a hug too. I hit myself over the head with a sledgehammer while Mr. O'Shaugnessy rubbed my shoulders.

Jeff starts yelling at Michele for kissing Russell's ass and asks, "How long does Russell need his dick sucked until he cums?" *giggles* Oh Evil Jeff, you're so funny. Can you please never come to your senses and stay mad and paranoid all day long? Michele tells Jeff that even though Russ is her Final 2, they never discuss it. Well, Evil Jeff doesn't buy it for a second and yells at Michele for laughing at the end of every single one of her sentences. It was at about this point that I put a feather boa on and wore my headdress. I like to wear my Vegas Showgirl Headdress when I find something to be particularly delicious and Michele getting called out for her lame ass laughing is one of those instances.

(FYI, The Soup is starting and I just saw that they're going to do a BB story.)

Then the feeds go down for hours for the POV comp and when they finally return I realize how smart I was to have both my nipple clamps and my hot poker ready. Jordan was out first, but Jeff won the veto. What the fuck? Seriously? Don't you realize how much bigger his head is going to get now? While I enjoy Evil Jeff's antics I hate his smugness. He won't shut up about how much power he has. That I know for sure. At first as I was scared. I'll admit it. I was really scared. The Flip-Flop Twins have yet to stick to their "Backdoor Russell" plan and Mr. O'Shaugnessy proceeds to gently stick the hot poker up my nose. Jeff has shirt off, his chest puffed up, and he's bossing Jordan around like there's no tomorrow. The chat hags didn't like this side of Jeffy Pooh at all. That made me chuckle so I cheered Jeff on hoping he'd call Jordan fat or something.

Then it happened. Did you hear it? Tell me you heard it. The clouds parted, the angels started to sing "Give In To Me", Farrah waved, and Jeff told Jordan that he's taking Kevin off the block and putting up Russell. Mr. O'Shaughessy! Nipple clamps now! I kicked up my heels, poured myself a giant glass of Chardonnay (which I'd later regret because on an empty stomach a giant glass of the giggly juice isn't the best of ideas), and let Mr. O'Shaugnessy tickle my no-no. Oh the time we had! I gave Mr. O'Shaugnessy a hot pocket (wink wink) and he slept like a wee baby all night long.

Jordan tells Jeff, "I have a good feeling about it. I had a chance to do it last week and I didn't." That's right Jordan. You didn't use your power and that is why you are dead to me now tubby. Jeff tells Jordan how he's going to approach Kevin and offer to take him off the block if he promises not to nom Jeff next week. Then he wants to go to Michele and finalize their Final 3 deal. It's at this point that Jeff thinks he has this whole show wrapped up. I mean, BB might as well just hand him the check right now. Nothing can possibly go wrong at this point right? Jordan continues to talk in circles over and over about how she doesn't trust Russell and, to be quite honest with you, I muted her. This bitch has a gift for gab, but it's useless mindless gab I've heard a million times before. When she gets a new thought I'll unmute her.

Meanwhile Russell is in the Green Room pouting. AHAHAHA!!! It brought a tear to my eye and my blackened heart began to turn light gray. Russell knows something stinks in suburbia and he's not pleased. He's got that not so fresh feeling that perhaps his alliance is turning on him. Well, maybe it wasn't so smart to trash your alliance at every opportunity huh pumpkin? Did you really think you could talk shit about Jeff all day long and get away with it? Michele has proved to you over and over again how untrustworthy and psychotic she is yet you continue to tell her how much you want Jeff out of the house. You're an idiot Russell and idiots should be safely ensconced far away from the BB house. Jordan should have obviously left weeks ago, but don't worry Russ she'll be joining you shortly in the Jury House.

The rest of the HG's are in the kitchen making dinner and Jordan is basically shoveling everything she can into her mouth as fast as she can. She spends the rest of the night eating and being totally shocked that she was elimated first in the POV comp. Apparently, now that Jeff gave her the HOH and she basically copied every move Michele made in the last POV, she's some sort of Queen of Comps now and any type of failure completely mystifies her. Jordan precious, you're still a moron and couldn't win a comp of your own to save your life. Now go eat a tub of butter and leave me alone.

Dinner conversation last night was very interesting. First Natalie was talking about loving the original 90210 and knowing it was on Monday nights. Wait a tic... I was in high school/college when the original 90210 was on the air. I'm like 10 years older that Natalie. Was she 6 years old when she liked the show or is she talking about the late late seasons when Brenda and Dylan were already long gone? Feedsters immediately thought Natalie would get caught for lying about her age, but 90210 was on for 10 years so if Natalie is talking about the later years then that would make her a teenager and that's actually believable. For the record, my favorite 90210 moment is when Kelly and Dylan come clean to Brenda in the park about their affair and Brenda shouts, "Look I hate you both! Never talk to me again!" It's soooo scandalous. I could watch that shit over and over again. Hell, why don't we?

After Dylan and Kelly come clean Brenda turns into an Uber Bitch and goes on the warpath. Oh wait... I can't talk 90210 here, can I? Damn you bitches! That reminds me... remember when Kelly was at the Beach Club and she saw Dylan and that song, "Damn I wish I was your lover" played? Ok ok I'm done, but I'm warning you if Natalie mentions 90210 again I'm going off.

The dinner talk eventually turns to Lydia and I got to tell ya the feeds came alive, twitter kicked into high gear, and everyone suddenly had something to say. I was chatting with a fellow BB fan at the time and I said, "See! The most interesting thing in the house today is a conversation about Lydia!" My fellow BB fan promptly said, "I hate you." I was tickled pink. Lydia will never die in this house if I have anything to say about it. LOL

The HG's speculate that Lydia's evil plan all along was to get Chima to quit so Jessie would come back. I don't really know that I buy that. I think that's giving her way too much credit. If that was part of some big diabolical plan then I love her even more now. Not for wanting Jessie back but for getting Chima to leave. Ragamuffin chimes in and insists that she never liked Lydia. Even after Jessie left, Ragamuffin still hated her even though they were acting like besties. Jeff jumps in saying he coudn't believe Natalie and Lydia cleaned Jessie's underwear and made him food. Natalie gets super defensive saying she only made him a sandwich and, in fact, Jessie was the one who made her food. She's saying over and over again, "He was good to me" and it totally sounds like she's talking about her pimp. The whole table then launches into a Jessie bashing free for all and it got pretty funny at times.

Kevin says how Jessie told him that he likes to collect girls who will do things for him and that basically Lydia and Natalie were just 2 more to the bunch. Kevin says how angry he was to discover that everything he had told Lydia regarding game she had ran and told Jessie. Jeff interjects saying that he still can't believe the girls would do the guys laundry when he had zero personality and couldn't form a sentence. This is the Evil Jeff I like... when his arrogance is funny. They all laugh at how the girls were crying over Jessie leaving and writing his initials on their faces. You can tell that Ragamuffin is uncomfortable and she continues to defend Jessie saying that he was nice to her so why would she turn on him? Here's how comfortable she was with the whole conversation:

Russell wakes up after everyone loudly bashing Jessie and he joins the table. He just sits there though and doesn't say a thing. My first thought was Russ could totally use this whole conversation to turn Lydia and Jessie against Jeff if he makes it to the Final 2. If Jeff manages to get Russell out this week, then Russell will be furious. Don't think he won't march into that Jury House busting with all this juicy gossip he's acquired. I mean, that's what I'd do. No way in hell would the person responsible for getting me out of the house get my vote. I'm bitter and I hold a grudge, but I'm extremely lovable. I swear.

While I was thinking that Russell could use this conversation for some revenge later I was also thinking that Ragamuffin needs to shut her trap and stop defending Jessie. Jeff is one of those guys who likes to be told what he wants to hear and Natalie sticking up for Jessie is most definitely something he does not want to hear. At one point, Natalie says, "Well everyone hated Jeff in the beginning!" Out of nowhere you hear Michele scream, "Not everybody hated Jeff!" It was extremely awkward and made no sense. BB11_Unleashed claims Michele has tourette's, but I think Michele is madly in love with Jeff. Sure, she's married, but I think she'd do the nasty with Jeffy Pooh in a heartbeat!

The dinner conversation comes to a close and Jeff asks Jordan to make out. She says no and then she says maybe later. The chat hags whipped themselves into a hormonal frenzy and I very loudly rolled my eyes. Jordan retreats to rest her massively growing ass up in the HOH bed and Michele comes bursting through the door. She's all in a tizzy over Natalie, but I really think she just wants to try to catch Jeff naked or something. She asks Jordan if they can have a talk and Jordan says sure. Michele launches into a nonsensical tirade about how Natalie knows exactly how to push her buttons and how she's imagining Natalie sending her subliminal smiles or some shit like that. She's chewing her face, constantly giggling, and giving me anxiety. She thinks Natalie tried to make herself sound so innocent and now she wants to strangle her. This is how Michele would strangle Natalie. Looks more like an ass grab to me:

Jordan changes the subject to the Veto Comp and she starts in again about how she can't believe she was first one out. Then Jordan opens her vault yet again and starts telling Michele how Jeff doesn't trust Russell. Apparently, Russell was openly cheering for Michele to win the veto. If this is true, then Russ is an idiot and he deserves to leave. Jeff walks in and asks what's up and Michele starts telling him about her thong. I'm totally not kidding. She launches into how her thong was sticking out of her pants and her pants were falling down and how she remembered she's not wearing a thong anymore and I just sat here horrified wondering how long it'll take for Michele to stick one of her dildos in Jeff's ass.

Thankfully, Russell enters the room and Michele is forced to shut up. He sits down and the guy is so paranoid that he always looks like he's on the verge of tears whenever he speaks. They recap the Jessie convo downstairs and Russell said he didn't say anything becuase Natalie was making him so mad. It's so obvious what Michele and Russ are trying to do. They're trying to convince Jeff that Nat can't be trusted. Well, sure, she can't, but shut up already or you'll ruin my plans! Russell tells Jordan that Natalie used to always throw them under the bus. Jordan just looks at him with the worst poker face ever and Russell says, "What? You don't believe me?"

Russ says, "Since when does Natalie want to be Jordan's friend?" Michele chimes in and they go to work making Natalie look like the devil. Jeff interrupts them and says that everyone at one point was on Team Jessie. He looks at Russell and says, "You were on Team Jessie." He turns to Michele and says, "You were on Team Jessie too!" Michele blurts out, "but he forced me!" AHAHAHAHA!!!! She kills me. Jeff says something along the lines of, "No one can force you to be in an alliance Michele"

Russell starts saying how he doesn't want to be anywhere near Kevin or Natalie but he'll just explode at them and that won't be a good thing. I object! I'm always up for a good fight. Russ says how Natalie and Jessie were using him the whole time and he starts to throw a big, "Woe is me" pity party. It's truly pathetic. He tries to convince Jeff that he's been tight with him since Week 4 and Jeff, for some reason, thinks their friendship is brand spanking new. Jeff just keeps throwing Russell's vote for Jessie to stay back in his face and Russell claims he was desperate for votes. It makes no sense and it was giving me a headache hearing them rehash everything they've already rehashed over and over again. Russell is bringing up teeny tiny shit from Week 1 and Jeff is having none of it. He's drunk on power so he just lies lazily in his big chair and refutes anything Russ says.

Here's the clip of the whole scene:

Russ and Michele eventually leave and Jordan tells Jeff about her convo with Michele before Jeff came in. She reenacts Michele saying Russ won’t put up Jeff and Jordan and Jeff immediately says, “That’s a lie! She’s lying when she does that!” I can’t help but giggle and make myself a whipped cream bikini.

Jeff says he thinks Russ knows it’s coming and Jeff admits to being cocky. They talk about how Russ was totally lying about Casey. Jordan knows he wasn’t tight with Casey at all. Jordan talks about how the Jessie/Russell fight was all set up. Jordan says, “He really does like Jessie”. Jeff says Michele is on team Russell and that when Russ is gone, Michele will be full force with J/J. They say if Natalie or Kevin win HOH next week, they’ll go after Michele. If Michele wins, they’ll go after Kevin. Hold up buttercups. If Nat or Kevin win HOH, your asses are history! Personally, I can't wait.

It's been 5 minutes so of course Michele comes barrelling through the HOH again. She's throwing a fit over how she was asleep in the Red Room and Kevin and Natalie walked in and stole all the blankets including the one that was covering her up. Jeff is suspicious. He tells her to sleep in the HOH and he'll go down and figure out what's going on. Jeff confronts Kevin and Natalie and they said the lights were off in the Red Room so they flipped them on to get some blankets. They had NO IDEA Michele was in there sleeping and when she popped up out of bed, they apologized, grabbed Jeff and Russell's blankets and left. Remember Jeff sleeps in the HOH and Russell is a Have-Not so it's no big deal that they took their blankets. Michele just totally made up that story about Nat and Kevin viciously stealing her blanket from her. If this is how Michele fights back, then I'm on the edge of my seat to see what mole hill she'll turn into a mountain next.

The night ended with Russell threatening to explode and unleash on everyone if he's put on the block. Really? You promise? Oh how wonderful! I love you Russell. Thank you thank you thank you! I canNOT wait for that POV ceremony. If my evil plan for the week works, Kevin will be safe, Russell will go up, and then he'll gun down the whole house in a massive rage. I'm stocking up on popcorn and beer as we speak!

"The men don't know, but the little girls understand" Tell me where this quote comes from and you're a winner!

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  1. The quote comes from the song Back door man by the doors.

    I love your insight on the show and I read religiously. lol

  2. .....cauz I'm a backdoor man.. ooh Russell's theme song right now I guess...OMG 90210 was soooo good those first few seasons, I never liked it as much after Brenda left. I could STAND Val, and Kelly as a constant victim would drive me NUTS. I never cared for Kelly and Dylan but I preferred Kelly and Brandon, which PISSED ME OFF how that was always a tease. Their "wedding" episode was the biggest load of crap I ever had to suffer through. Anyway, I'm 29 and I specifically remember being in like 6th grade when 90210 came out. How dumb are these people that they can't figure out Natalie isn't 18. If that could come out in the next 24 hours, then I bet Natalie would be SCREWED.

    Also, Here is a little analysis: Here is why Jeff is screwed. If he wants to survive til next week he should get rid of Michele. Kicking out Kev or Natalie would pissed the other off and cauz a vengence thing (which they already have and are already coming for him anyway) kicking out Michele wouldn't really piss off Russell that much and would force Russell to become MORE loyal to J/J. Kicking out Russell WILL piss Michele off and Nat, Kev, AND Michele will all be gunning for Jeff. On the flip side, If Jeff wants to actually WIN BB he needs to get rid of Natalie b/c she's holding the most votes in the jury house compared to Jeff. It reality, it does not matter a tick what Jeff does. He is screwed no matter what b/c even while getting rid of Michele would probably be the smartest move this week, she's probably the only he could beat in final 2. Oh well Jeff. i am putting ALL MY MONEY on natalie right now for the win.

  3. LaLa..MUST we really ALWAYS pick on Jordan for gaining a little weight? Geesh, she really isn't all that big! If THAT is fat, then I am as big as a yacht!! It's getting a little offensive to me. I would love to be Jordan's size, even with the little extra weight. I am sure you will come off with a little sarcastic blurb about this in your blog or in a reply, and that is your perogative; but I don't appreciate the judgements on someone gaining a little weight. Some people eat under stress, and some , don't eat under stress; everyone is different. I am sure once Jordan is out of the h ouse, she will lose the weight again. Enough already please!!

  4. Just an FYI..I am NOT a Jordan Fan, so my last post was not in defense of her for that particular reason. <3 your blog!!


  6. Aww, People beat me to the Doors reference. In any case, Lala, you are spot on about Michele's wanting of Jeff. He, in fact, encouraged this the first week before he attached himself to Jordan. I remember watching BBAD one night when Michele was wearing one of her cocktail monstosities and heels and Jeff told her something like "Oh, I'm sorry. I can't stop looking at your ass. Its such a great ass". Michele began to orgasm on the spot, her lady juices coating her lime green tights, or whatever the hell they were. I have been amazed that she hasn't turned on him since he's made it very clear that he wants Jordan. Something to look forward to I guess.

  7. Jaye Bird, I know that Jordan is by no means fat just like I know that Michele doesn't really stick automobile parts up her butt. I also know that Natalie doesn't have rabies and Chima (probably) doesn't have small woodland creatures living in her weave. You should know by now that I when I see something I can pick on, I snatch it up and run with it and beat it to death. :)

    I try and make the merely laughable into something ridiculous. It's all in good fun. I really don't mean to offend anyone. I just like to make people laugh. That's all.

  8. Ok. =) Keep on plugging away..... =)

  9. Jaye Bird, Puhleaze, get your politically correct ass off of this blog! What a nerve worker.

    And BEFORE you go off: yes, I am middle aged, upper middle class, caucasian, well educated, christian, & even embarassed to say here, I voted for "W" his first term. (But if anyone repeats it I will deny it and demand strictest proof.)

    Further, as a backstory I've been a card carrying republican & have voted republican since I was 18. And I would be delighted to fit my butt in Jordan's pants.

    But puh-leaze if you haven't noticed Lala uses a broad brush of sarcasm, irreverence & humor as tools to build her social commentary. Snap out of IT!

    Sounds to me like you may have fallen victim like us all of the conservative suits on Captial Hill that, collectively, we have voted in term after term along with their special interests. Those special interests and their advertising dollars have effectively indoctrinated generations of fifty percent of the US population that if we are not a size 0, 16 years of age & virginal we are worthless!

    Darlin' you are going off on the wrong person! Write the advertisers who proliferate this propaganda and undermine our girls self esteem! Write your Senators & Congressmen!

    The solution is not to stifle the 1st Amendment right of a satirist!

    Please use your well-meaning social intolerence constructively for our young women now and generations to come!

    Muzzling humor ISN't the solution. It is like putting perfume on a pig. I submit to you the problem is the subliminal and insidious assault our Nation's daughters suffer from birth until death that they are less than perfect if they do not meet or exceed a physical standard.

    Oh, by the way, if you need any numbers at the Southern Baptist Convention let me know I was born & reared in their ranks.

    God Bless sister!

  10. I wished I looked like Jordan. But I don't. So I ate her.She tasted like cookie dough.

  11. I hope that you dont mind, but I have to interrupt for just a second to applaud MissIrreverence for her comments. Wooohoooo...she nailed it! Better yet, she saved me the trouble of jumping up on my wouldnt have been pretty with a fx ankle...probably funny as hell, but not pretty!

    Major kudos to MissIrreverence!


  12. 90% of the badmouthing Russell did about Jeff and Jordan was made up by Michelle wholecloth.

  13. Is it just me, or is Jordan talking more? On BBAD she seems to be chattering non-stop.