My Nails Are Haw-Ribble!

When Big Brutha takes your sawks it's fuckin' haw-ribble. You don' feel like ya-self no mo'. Awl you wan' is your fuckin' capris so ya don' feel like a scrub. I mean, look at this fuckin' snawt comin' outta my nose. I'm disgustin'! Nobody knows me ta evah wear shawts in 10 yee-uhs. I don't feel cumftabull. I wanna go home! Let's recap, shall we?

Girls, girls, batshit crazy girls. The house is full of them. They float in the pool, they swing on the  hammock, they burn crosses on your front lawn... you can't escape them. But in a strange turn of events, it is actually the girls who are trying to escape the boys. You see, Eyebrows (Kaitlin) and Aryan (Aaryn) confided in one another yesterday that maybe they're not as enamored with their coiffed dandies as they once were. Eyebrows has had just about enough of Jeremy's in-house shenanigans. The other night when he stole all the wine and then gloated about it is not only hurting his game, but it's hurting hers too! And then we have little racist Aryan. The only reason she is sharing a bed with Bouffant (David) is because she doesn't like the idea of watching him share a bed with another girl. True love!

Listening to each other bitch and moan about their respective partners, the ladies begin to realize something. It turns out that Jeremy is exactly the kind of guy Aryan dates on the outside - arrogant, asshole-ish, douchey, loud, moronic, bigoted. Similarly, Eyebrows comes to the same conclusion - she usually dates the quiet and dim type of guy like Bouffant. The girls giggle to each other about how badly they screwed up in choosing their men. If only they could swap!

As the girls are chatting with one another, the boys decide to work out and lift all sort of heavy things. Jeremy heaves some patio furniture over his head while Bouffant does one-armed push ups like Demi Moore did in the G.I. Jane. Aryan sneers as she watches them, "I don't understand why they have to work out like that. Like, they're totally showing everyone how strong they are. I already have a target on my back and now they're showing everyone how we'll crush their skulls with our bare hands. Like, who does that?!" Here's one thing you should know about Aryan - nothing, and I mean NOTHING, makes her happy. Well, maybe Birth Of A Nation in 3D, but other than that everything is annoying and a personal attack on her well being.

Another girl who is having issues with her well being is VaGina (Ginamarie). Big Brother took away a large portion of VaGina's clothes and she no longer feels like herself in the house. She feels disgusting! Muttering racist epithets all day and sprinkling the air with f-bombs will do that to a gal. Furthermore, her nails are haw-ribble, they took her capris, she's wearing shawts an' she nevah wears shawts, her legs are too white, she can't sit down to shave her fuckin' twat and now she wants to go home. All of this is basically code for, "Nick doesn't want shit to do with me and now I'm a lonely spinster like Jessie."

Amanda, trying to be a good friend, assures VaGina that she can borrow anything from any of the girls in the house. She tells VaGina that she doesn't look like a scrub and then she mysteriously recites the AA prayer motto for VaGina - Gawd, grant me tha serenity to accept tha things I cannawt change an' tha couridge ta change tha things I can an' the wisdom ta know tha diff'rence. It was strange and peculiar, but it sort of worked.

After about 5 minutes and some more words of encouragement from Eyebrows, VaGina finally calms down and stops talking about wanting to go home. J-U-DD joins the gals and the conversation swiftly switches to game talk. Eyebrows bats her eyelashes at J-U-DD and asks, "If I flash you my titties, will you promise not to turn on us?" J-U-DD swallows through a dry mouth and says, "Mmmkay." Eyebrows, very pleased with herself, tells J-U-DD it's a win-win. Not only will they get rid of Elvira (Elissa), but he'll get to see some boobies. Truth be known, J-U-DD is lying. If all goes according to plan this week, he should be voting to evict Bouffant not Elvira.

After a relatively low key day with the Houseguests farting around the house trying to entertain themselves, Helen decides to stimulate her mind with a lively game of chess with Bouffant. During the game, Bouffant expresses his concern about going home this week. Helen tells him to make his case over the next 2 days and hope for the best. When their game is over, Helen grabs a bag of chips (Have-Nots are done!) and joins Spencer on the hammock to fill him in on Bouffant's concerns. Spencer tells her that his plan is to tell Bouffant that he wants to work him in the future and that they might be really good together in an alliance. The whole point is to confuse the other side of the house (Bieber Fever) so when Bouffant goes home, they'll have no concrete idea where the votes came from.

Jazz Hands Andy approaches the hammock next and now it's his turn to chat with Spencer. Both gentlemen discuss how they desperately want to cut Amanda loose. Andy finds her to be annoying and thinks that even MC (McRae) is getting tired of her. Spencer is bothered by the fact that she keeps referring to the HOH room as her room. He also doesn't understand how both Eyebrows and Aryan sleep with their men and automatically get targets on their back, but Amanda doesn't. I don't quite get his logic - perhaps because it makes no sense - but he thinks the fact that Amanda sleeps with MC but doesn't get penalized for it makes her a "shady lady". The last thing Spencer wants is to keep Amanda in the game longer than necessary and end up being taken out by her. Spencer tells Andy that their alliance is much stronger without her around. He also tells Andy how much he likes Helen and wants to coach her. He thinks she's incredibly smart, but not as savvy in the game as he'd like her to be.

It should also be noted that Mr. Savvy flashed his penis to the cameras for no apparent reason at all. Umm, thanks?

The rest of the evening was more of the same as far as VaGina is concerned. She had about 15 more meltdowns and threatened to go home. One minute she's crying and then the next minute she's laughing. It all depends on whether or not Nick is paying any attention to her.

Up in the HOH room, Amanda was dismayed to discover that MC has been talking about their relationship in the Diary Room. Apparently, she has a boyfriend on the outside and his mom watches the Live Feeds. Yikes! She and MC are the least couple-y in the house, but then again she's the only one to give her man a firm handshake in the middle of the night if you know what I mean. Amanda, I still love you, but I think it's safe to say that you no longer have a boyfriend. You should probably stop talking about it and get your head back in the game and out of the HOH room. My girl isn't doing herself any favors locking herself away like she is. She's needs to be socializing and getting close to some of the more neutral middle-of-the-road people like Howard, Helen, J-U-DD and Andy. Getting close to Jessie wouldn't hurt either. If the Older People Alliance really want to deliver a blow to Bieber Fever, they should have Nick or Howard play the sex game with Jessie. Ladies aren't the only ones who can use seduction as game play. Men can too!

So, there you have it. It was a slow day in the house as Mondays tend to be and I expect today to be more of the same. Wednesdays are my day off so I will see you back here Thursday morning when the shit will have definitely fit the shan. No matter who wins HOH this week, Wednesday night will be a shit storm and it'll be AWESOME! Make sure you get the Live Feeds (seriously, they are so cheap this season) so you don't miss a second of a it! Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Aryan Nation

There is a movement underfoot. Can you feel the rumbling? Can you feel the stampede of angry feed watchers marching on Washington, marching to Burbank? Enraged picketers with their placards shouting and stomping in frustration...
Boycott CBS!
Sign my petition!
Remove these Houseguests from the house IMMEDIATELY!!!
CBS supports White Power!
If you watch CBS, you're a White Supremacist!
Get your free CBS swag... a cloak and a hood!
Helter Skelter is alive and well and living in Studio City, my friends. The race war between the blacks and whites is imminent. It is too late for drones, too late for chemical warfare. The only solution is to remove these Houseguests forthwith, tar and feather Robyn Kass and start all over again. Let's recap, shall we?

My, my, my... what a weekend! But before we get to all that, allow me a teeny tiny moment to gloat. Check it out, bitches!

(Photo shamelessly stolen from @BBGossip)

If my co-hosts and I can pull this off when we're drunk, imagine what we could do if we were sober!

But let us get to the task at hand. Typically, we hear about The Aryan Brotherhood on MSNBC at 1am in the morning while watching reruns of Lockup and wondering to ourselves if Maricopa County Jail is the worst prison in the country. It turns out it isn't the worst in the U.S. and Sheriff Joe Arpaio is simply doing his best to run a crackerjack little facility. The worst of the worst is our very own Big Brother house and, I gotta tell ya, I love it!

I love when Ginamarie whispers to all the boys about her N-word insurance plan. My loins quiver when David calls Candice "Black Candice" (not to be confused with Black Patsy from Dance Moms) and then giggles to himself, "That was totally racist, dude." And when Candice lies on Spencer's spare tire and he asks, "Are you gonna git mah shirt all greezzy?", my nipples get hard and I start to touch myself.

This is the good stuff, folks. These people are the dregs of society and they are on display for the entire world to point and laugh at. Watching the ignorance unfold, gain traction, acquire new members and multiply is not only fascinating sociologically, but it makes me feel pretty damn awesome about myself. I look at the uneducated heathens on my screen and I feel 20 ft tall. When an adorable blonde named Aryan, who once set the boys tongues wagging with her shorty shorts and bikini shots, wishes Helen would just shut the hell up and go make her some rice, I am once again the prettiest girl in the room.

Half of the Big Brother 15 cast are skidmarks on society and I couldn't be more ecstatic about it. What do I tell you guys season after season? What do I bitch and moan about year after year? What do I claw and pine for and write blog after blog about? Other than "gin and glitter", what is my second most often used catchphrase? ENTERTAIN ME!!! I cry it from the rooftops. I punch it angrily into my Twitter. And so now that these vile displays of hatred are actually entertaining me, you expect me to be mad about it? Hell no! Give me more! Lay it on me, Aryan. Hey David, what do you think of Jews? Spencer, aren't those Latinos stealing all of our jobs? Ginamarie, Muslims. Go!

And if you think people are sitting at home offended by this bullshit you're kidding yourselves. No African American is staring into his computer watching all of this and whimpering to himself. If anything, the Houseguests behavior is doing America a favor. By pulling this nonsensical hatred out from behind the curtains and putting it on display for everyone to see, we are no longer ignoring a problem that indeed exists. In my personal life, I rarely encounter these sort of attitudes on an everyday basis. I don't live in the south - where I think these opinions tend to be more prevalent. My friends aren't bigots. My family is educated and cultured. These displays of racism and homophobia are happily something I don't ever have to deal with... until now.

Until right this very moment am I jolted awake from my strange utopia and confronted with the horrifying reality that people really think some pretty horrible stuff. I mean, wow! As a viewer I watch this and think to myself, "These people are AWFUL!" But I don't want it to suddenly stop in week one. Good god, no! I want this to continue. I want us to write about it, document it, react to it. And then in September when these public enemies emerge from the house, I want them to see and read and know everything we've been saying about them all summer long. I want them to get online and be disgusted by their behavior and embarrassed by how they've humiliated themselves and their families. What better lesson is there than to smack all of their viciousness right back into their faces and say, "Look! Look what a horrible person you are! Look at how you've offended a nation! Look!" Sweeping it under the rug and handing out warnings accomplishes nothing. It lets these assholes off the hook unscathed (because, let's face it, by September it could all be forgotten) and fancy free.

So, no, I do not want these people removed from the house. I do not want Big Brother interfering. I enjoy the outrage. It is opening up a dialogue and making the show pretty goddamn entertaining. Let them continue to be awful. Let them continue to fester and rot. And come September, we'll be the true winners of Big Brother.

So, what do you guys think about all of this? Are you going to boycott CBS until something is done about all of this? Or are you going to join me and drag these wretches names through the mud? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

David: "Uh, My Personality."

This is David and he looks like an enormous douchebag. David Girton is a 25 year old Lifeguard and his favorite Houseguest is Jeff (see my previous comment about him being an enormous douchebag). When you look at that hair and know he's a Lifeguard, I'll bet you think he talks like Spicoli and rides through life on his own melt. Well, you would be absolutely correct. David is the apex of the stereotypical surfer. Look up surfer in the dictionary and that douchey picture above will be staring back at you. It is SO uncanny that it's almost funny. Almost.

In the off season of rubbing zinc oxide of his nose and checking out gnarly chicks in bikinis, David unapologetically sits around and collects unemployment. He goes with the flow and flies by the seat of his pants. Basically, he's super lazy.

David is going on Big Brother to let America get inside of who he is. He's the class clown we're all supposed to care about for some reason. Have I mentioned that throughout his entire interview he looked bored, bothered, sleepy and probably a little high? It is almost as if he is annoyed that he has to be there. Sorry we're bothering you, David. Want to take a nap?

When asked what David will miss while he's in the Big Brother house, he replied, "The beach, fer sure." And what he won't miss? "Reality." Remember, it's summer which means that David probably has to keep an eye on toddlers playing in the surf instead of sitting at home taking bong hits and collecting his checks from the government. That "reality" is a bitch indeed.

Let us switch gears and analyze David's cutthroat strategic plans, shall we? David, what do you think will carry you to the end of this game? After a long pause where his eyes glaze over, David finally replies, "Uh, my personality." And there you have it. Hey, he could be a freaking genius. I mean, look at Hayden. He had no personality, zero charisma and dandruff for brain cells and he won himself $500,000. It could happen to anyone.

Let's not mince words, David is a moron. I'm not sure if he's supposed to be the man candy this season or what, but he's definitely not. He's a carpet fiber is what he is.

So, what do you folks think of David? Will he stay awake long enough to compete in anything? Is his "I don't care" attitude a stroke of genius? Comment it out, bitches!

No more slacking, slackers. Click and get your Live Feeds!