Tuesday, July 2, 2013

My Nails Are Haw-Ribble!

When Big Brutha takes your sawks it's fuckin' haw-ribble. You don' feel like ya-self no mo'. Awl you wan' is your fuckin' capris so ya don' feel like a scrub. I mean, look at this fuckin' snawt comin' outta my nose. I'm disgustin'! Nobody knows me ta evah wear shawts in 10 yee-uhs. I don't feel cumftabull. I wanna go home! Let's recap, shall we?

Girls, girls, batshit crazy girls. The house is full of them. They float in the pool, they swing on the  hammock, they burn crosses on your front lawn... you can't escape them. But in a strange turn of events, it is actually the girls who are trying to escape the boys. You see, Eyebrows (Kaitlin) and Aryan (Aaryn) confided in one another yesterday that maybe they're not as enamored with their coiffed dandies as they once were. Eyebrows has had just about enough of Jeremy's in-house shenanigans. The other night when he stole all the wine and then gloated about it is not only hurting his game, but it's hurting hers too! And then we have little racist Aryan. The only reason she is sharing a bed with Bouffant (David) is because she doesn't like the idea of watching him share a bed with another girl. True love!

Listening to each other bitch and moan about their respective partners, the ladies begin to realize something. It turns out that Jeremy is exactly the kind of guy Aryan dates on the outside - arrogant, asshole-ish, douchey, loud, moronic, bigoted. Similarly, Eyebrows comes to the same conclusion - she usually dates the quiet and dim type of guy like Bouffant. The girls giggle to each other about how badly they screwed up in choosing their men. If only they could swap!

As the girls are chatting with one another, the boys decide to work out and lift all sort of heavy things. Jeremy heaves some patio furniture over his head while Bouffant does one-armed push ups like Demi Moore did in the G.I. Jane. Aryan sneers as she watches them, "I don't understand why they have to work out like that. Like, they're totally showing everyone how strong they are. I already have a target on my back and now they're showing everyone how we'll crush their skulls with our bare hands. Like, who does that?!" Here's one thing you should know about Aryan - nothing, and I mean NOTHING, makes her happy. Well, maybe Birth Of A Nation in 3D, but other than that everything is annoying and a personal attack on her well being.

Another girl who is having issues with her well being is VaGina (Ginamarie). Big Brother took away a large portion of VaGina's clothes and she no longer feels like herself in the house. She feels disgusting! Muttering racist epithets all day and sprinkling the air with f-bombs will do that to a gal. Furthermore, her nails are haw-ribble, they took her capris, she's wearing shawts an' she nevah wears shawts, her legs are too white, she can't sit down to shave her fuckin' twat and now she wants to go home. All of this is basically code for, "Nick doesn't want shit to do with me and now I'm a lonely spinster like Jessie."

Amanda, trying to be a good friend, assures VaGina that she can borrow anything from any of the girls in the house. She tells VaGina that she doesn't look like a scrub and then she mysteriously recites the AA prayer motto for VaGina - Gawd, grant me tha serenity to accept tha things I cannawt change an' tha couridge ta change tha things I can an' the wisdom ta know tha diff'rence. It was strange and peculiar, but it sort of worked.

After about 5 minutes and some more words of encouragement from Eyebrows, VaGina finally calms down and stops talking about wanting to go home. J-U-DD joins the gals and the conversation swiftly switches to game talk. Eyebrows bats her eyelashes at J-U-DD and asks, "If I flash you my titties, will you promise not to turn on us?" J-U-DD swallows through a dry mouth and says, "Mmmkay." Eyebrows, very pleased with herself, tells J-U-DD it's a win-win. Not only will they get rid of Elvira (Elissa), but he'll get to see some boobies. Truth be known, J-U-DD is lying. If all goes according to plan this week, he should be voting to evict Bouffant not Elvira.

After a relatively low key day with the Houseguests farting around the house trying to entertain themselves, Helen decides to stimulate her mind with a lively game of chess with Bouffant. During the game, Bouffant expresses his concern about going home this week. Helen tells him to make his case over the next 2 days and hope for the best. When their game is over, Helen grabs a bag of chips (Have-Nots are done!) and joins Spencer on the hammock to fill him in on Bouffant's concerns. Spencer tells her that his plan is to tell Bouffant that he wants to work him in the future and that they might be really good together in an alliance. The whole point is to confuse the other side of the house (Bieber Fever) so when Bouffant goes home, they'll have no concrete idea where the votes came from.

Jazz Hands Andy approaches the hammock next and now it's his turn to chat with Spencer. Both gentlemen discuss how they desperately want to cut Amanda loose. Andy finds her to be annoying and thinks that even MC (McRae) is getting tired of her. Spencer is bothered by the fact that she keeps referring to the HOH room as her room. He also doesn't understand how both Eyebrows and Aryan sleep with their men and automatically get targets on their back, but Amanda doesn't. I don't quite get his logic - perhaps because it makes no sense - but he thinks the fact that Amanda sleeps with MC but doesn't get penalized for it makes her a "shady lady". The last thing Spencer wants is to keep Amanda in the game longer than necessary and end up being taken out by her. Spencer tells Andy that their alliance is much stronger without her around. He also tells Andy how much he likes Helen and wants to coach her. He thinks she's incredibly smart, but not as savvy in the game as he'd like her to be.

It should also be noted that Mr. Savvy flashed his penis to the cameras for no apparent reason at all. Umm, thanks?

The rest of the evening was more of the same as far as VaGina is concerned. She had about 15 more meltdowns and threatened to go home. One minute she's crying and then the next minute she's laughing. It all depends on whether or not Nick is paying any attention to her.

Up in the HOH room, Amanda was dismayed to discover that MC has been talking about their relationship in the Diary Room. Apparently, she has a boyfriend on the outside and his mom watches the Live Feeds. Yikes! She and MC are the least couple-y in the house, but then again she's the only one to give her man a firm handshake in the middle of the night if you know what I mean. Amanda, I still love you, but I think it's safe to say that you no longer have a boyfriend. You should probably stop talking about it and get your head back in the game and out of the HOH room. My girl isn't doing herself any favors locking herself away like she is. She's needs to be socializing and getting close to some of the more neutral middle-of-the-road people like Howard, Helen, J-U-DD and Andy. Getting close to Jessie wouldn't hurt either. If the Older People Alliance really want to deliver a blow to Bieber Fever, they should have Nick or Howard play the sex game with Jessie. Ladies aren't the only ones who can use seduction as game play. Men can too!

So, there you have it. It was a slow day in the house as Mondays tend to be and I expect today to be more of the same. Wednesdays are my day off so I will see you back here Thursday morning when the shit will have definitely fit the shan. No matter who wins HOH this week, Wednesday night will be a shit storm and it'll be AWESOME! Make sure you get the Live Feeds (seriously, they are so cheap this season) so you don't miss a second of a it! Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

CBS Interactive Inc.


  1. I find this season is entertaining but I feel guilty that I'm entertained. These kids are so shallow, so full of themselves, just so unaware of anyone but themselves. There is no real game play ~ some talk but no one is actually playing the game. I suppose it is too early to expect that but they need to start thinking about some of the things they do and especially the things they say. With the exception of McCrae, Helen and Andy, I would be dying of embarrassment if I was a parent to any of them.
    I like Amanda too (for entertainment, not as a person) and I wonder how many times she will gravitate to the HOH room with each new HOH win. She's pretty transparent. And Aryan, well, she's even more transparent than Amanda. It is just written on her face what she is thinking, scheming, planning. She is a poor excuse for a human being and I don't see her going far. Eventually all the shit-stirring will have to catch up to her. Okay, I'm done ranting.

  2. "Well, maybe Birth of a Nation in 3D".
    F'n HIlarious LaLa! That may be the line of the season, and less than a week in.

    I think she (Aryan) is being warned by the DR. Last night she sat, in front of a camera of course (she looked directly into it a time or two to make sure it was being caught), and had a sweet talk with David about his lifes goals. She also mentioned she could be harsh but she has a very big heart. Too late babe, you already made your BB bed.

  3. Aryan's conversation with David was a classic castration scene. He is so clueless that he is still hanging with her.

  4. This season has been freaking AWESOME!! The cattiness and racist comments, the emotional breakdowns, the rampant narsicism.... I can't say enough! It's going to be so great to watch them booted out one-by-one and then have to go back to their real lives and face the ostracism that's surely going to come!

    I've been reading your blog for the past few seasons and you never fail to make me laugh my ass off! Keep up the awesomeness!

    btw, the CBS feeds are almost unbearable with the first time feeders and the Rachel freaks in the chats. Us glitterites should start a room for people watching that actually read the blogs and try to follow the inner workings of the house. Just a thought...

  5. Someone asked about the feeds, I stopped paying for the feeds and watched after dark last few years. But this year it moved to tvgn for 2 hours instead of 3. So far it's pretty hard to watch. This group is B O R I N G!
    Now if it gets way better then I would go for the feeds. But this is really hard to watch for even 2 hours.

    1. This group is many things, "boring" is not even close to being one of them. TVGN is stupid. You need the feeds. Just last night we had asshate-gate. Genius cast, genius feeds - and, trust me, I NEVER say that.

  6. Ms. Bitchy...

    I am having a difficult time determining who is most entertaining hamster since they are a pure Springer cast... with the exception of McCrea, Howard, Helen and Elissa (sorry girl). I want to know on DAY SIX of the feeds two things... 1. Who is the biggest train wreck 2. Who would you hang out with.

    Love your blog and I thank you for being a trooper!

    1. Biggest train wreck - VaGina with Aryan in a close second

      Who I would hang out with - Amanda

  7. Can't stand VaGina and Aryan, but they'll get their come-uppance when the leave the house (they both already lost jobs) But Jeremy is without a doubt the smarmiest, most obnoxious person I've ever seen. Lala.....his nickname here should be GERMY!! :)

  8. Why did they take VaGina's clothes away?

    1. They're told not to bring clothes with labels on them. She must have ignored the rules.

  9. Thanks Lala, After Dark is really bad. CBS feeds it is then. ;-)