Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Sex Fort Mysteries

Here's all I have to say about the CBS show: Memo to Laura... you are NOT pretty! The end.

Did I say that this week would be boring until Thursday? What I meant to say was that this week would be anything but boring. Get one hand free dear blog readers because we've got our first BB love session.

Before I get preachy, and I most definitely will, because I HATE what was happening on Twitter and the live feed chats last night, I'll just list the straight facts of what went down. I'm going to approach this like an NCIS agent. Hey I watched an episode last night and another when I woke up this morning so I feel I'm 100% qualified.

Lydia and Jessie were in the HOH room preparing to take a nap. They then made a fort out of the comforter and some canoodling took place.

In the first clip you will see Jessie getting into bed without shorts on. He says something about wanting his shorts, but gets into bed without them anyways. Lydia says something along the lines of "We can make out in a tent" when they're fashioning their fort. Jessie then asks Lydia to remove her sweatshirt. She does and confesses to Jessie that he makes her blush. She tells him, "You're handsome, fun and rad."

In this next clip is where the magic happens. We hear some heavy breathing and what appear to be kissing noises. There is ZERO movement and we are shown a perfectly still foot (Lydia's) hanging out from beneath the covers. We are repeatedly shown the back of Lydia's head under the top of the covers. No blow job you ridiculous speculators out there! At one point I think she may have put her hand on Jessie's raisins. I can't be sure. Next we can surmise from the under the cover movement that Jessie's arm is wrapped around Lydia's waist. His hands do a little roaming maybe touching a boobie or two.

In this next clip Lydia comes out from under the covers and Jessie tells her to retrieve his shorts. Remember, he had wanted his shorts before he ever went into the fort. I speculated, in the chats, that maybe he needed (hint hint) a change of shorts. That was wrong on my part. I admit it. I had missed the pre-fort conversation and I'm woman enough to admit a mistake when I make one. Lydia looks frustrated and maybe a little mad. I interpret this as that she wanted to snuggle some more, but Jessie asking for his shorts put the kybosh on that.

In the final clip, they both come out from under the covers and attempt to take a nap.

That's it. That's all.

Yesterday I was in the Live Feed chats watching this as it happened. Everyone, including myself, was speculating as to what may have gone down. I heard everything from hand job to blow job to full out sex. I thought maybe there was a chance of a hand job since Jessie had asked Lydia to get him some shorts, but after reevaluating the clip I'm sure nothing of the sort happened.

For the next several hours Lydia had been labelled a slut, a whore, disgusting, ClamLydia (I'm looking at you Grimace! LOL), gross, desperate, etc. Someone said she'd surely given Jessie herpes. Why is it whenever 2 people hook up on Big Brother everyone rushes to call the girl involved a slut? Lydia has known Jessie for 9 days. She snuck under the covers and maybe fooled around a little bit with him. This hardly makes her a slut. To quote from J. Peterman on Seinfeld (and I'm paraphrasing a little), "Who hasn't snuck into the copy room to take a bite out of a love newton?" Lydia's behavior only illustrated one thing: She's a normal 22 year old with a healthy sexual appetite.

Some people have a bullshit radar. Others have gaydar. I have a finely honed Hypocradar. Acts or phrases of a hypocritical nature make me very angry. The vicious, and yes they were vicious, attacks on Lydia's character in the Live Feed chats last night were above and beyond hypocritical. People were screaming what a vile whore she was. Really? That's what you deduced from seeing NOTHING under the covers? And I suppose no one watching the live feeds has ever in their entire life canoodled with someone they've known for 9 days. I must be conversing with a bunch of nuns and monks online everyday. I had no idea!

BUT, "Lydia said she'll hook up to further her game" you say. Lydia is already off the block. She doesn't need Jessie to save her anymore. If she was using sex to further her game play, then why in the world would she make Jessie her first target? He can't be HOH next week you ninnies!

The only strategic value I can possibly see coming out of this hook up is if Lydia's intention is to pit Russell and Jessie against one another. If this is her master plan, then she's a fucking genius. I have mad respect for a move like that. Never has a woman used her feminine wiles in such a clever way to further her game. It doesn't make her a slut. A girl sucking a guy off in the back of a car for a couple rocks of crack is a slut. A girl wanting to make a man jealous is not.

Let me tell you a little story. Back when I was dating men, I was dating a guy and found out he had cheated on me. When said ex was out of town, I went out and slept with his best friend knowing that his best friend would eventually tell my ex. He did tell my ex. My ex was mortified. He tried to get me back. He was jealous of his best friend. It made his life a living hell and I just sat back and laughed and laughed. It was the sweetest revenge. Come to think of it, I've repeated similar scenarios like that more than a few times. It doesn't make me a slut. It makes me shrewd. It makes me feel better. You fuck with me. I fuck with you. It's as simple as that.

Russell and Jeff have definitely fucked with Lydia. They put her through hell this first week. Maybe have even cost her the game. I have no problem whatsoever with Lydia getting her revenge on them. I'm not even sure this is her plan. At this point it's too hard to tell.

Another theory is that Lydia actually likes Jessie. I know it's gross and I don't get it either. I really wanted to see her hook up with Jordan, but to each her own. If she really likes Jessie, then, once again, there's nothing wrong with her wanting to hook up with him. I love the showmances. I think they make BB viewing fun. For some reason BBUS fans get all uppity and start pinning scarlet letters on any women involved in a showmance. In BBUK, the fans love their romances. They rush to make sure the man isn't using the woman instead of the other way around. As a matter of fact the last guy evicted on BBUK was evicted because they thought he was using the girl he was involved with. I'll never understand how Americans can't wait to call a lady a slut. Does it make you feel better to label someone a whore? Are you just not getting laid at home and you're secretly jealous? It's definitely a cultural thing to accuse the woman before all the facts are known.

I saw the same thing happen with April last season. I had no problem with April sleeping with Ollie. I had a problem with him never using a condom and rolling over as soon as he was satisfied. I was annoyed that April got no pleasure out of their sexual encounters at all. Ollie's horrible lovemaking is what offended me the most not the fact that April slept with him.

Here's a conversation that happened yesterday between Kevin and Lydia. In it you hear Lydia tell Kevin that she did not kiss Jessie on the mouth. She says he kissed her neck and grabbed her ass. She copped a little feel to "gauge" what Jessie what packing. Her description actually fits what I saw happen under the covers. I have no reason to think she's lying. She says something I can't understand about Jessie wanting his shorts. I think maybe Jessie could have been aroused. Lydia is giggly and girly. She says she likes Jessie. Could this all be just an innocent crush?

After all the drama of the sex fort it was difficult to focus on anything else, but I was able to catch a juicy game related tidbit. It looks as if Laura has crossed back over to the "good" side. She told, er I mean LIED, to Jeff and Jordan when she revealed that Jessie tried to recruit her. What a stupid sack of horsey shit. Laura offered herself to Jessie. We all saw it on the CBS show. Anyways, Casey joins in the conversation and they discuss how ridiculous Russell's intimidations are. And this is where I had my Oprah AHA moment. I've figured Russ out. He's pulling an Evel Dick. Dick won by being a bully and Russ thinks he can do the same exact thing. I hate it when new players come into the game and emulate past players' game play. We see it all the time with people trying to throw comps like Will. Get original morons! Being a copycat doesn't make you a winner. It makes you an even more pathetic loser.
Later the HG's got a little drunk and played some games. Here you see Michele trying to play Red Light Green Light but she keeps falling down and this is my whacky HG video of the day.

Note to readers: It is impossible for me to cover every single thing that happens in the house. My blogs are long enough as it is. If you want robotic reports of when the HG's eat or take a shit go to Jokers. I write about what I feel I need to comment on. I make up insane back stories about the HG's. That's my schtick. That's why I have almost 5000 hits here. I offer my unique take on what's going on in the house and hopefully it entertains my readers.

Thank you so much to all of you who come back each and every day. I appreciate your loyalty like you wouldn't believe. Thanks for spreading the word and making this my biggest season yet! Love you all bitches.

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  1. ...and once've illuminated, updated, and most of all made me laugh! thanks Col...keep it up! ...gina

  2. Thank you so much for being the first person to offer a reasonable but highly entertaining account of the whole Lydia and Jessie thing from yesterday. I 100% agree with you and was also horrified by all the things that were going around the 'net about it. I just found your blog this season and it is now the first thing I check each day. Keep it up please, you are doing an awesome job!!

  3. Thank you so much sam... that means a lot. Welcome aboard! We have a lot of fun here and I'm glad to hear you keep coming back for more.

    gina, my love, you are the one of my most loyal readers. Thanks for all your support babe!

  4. I could swear when she had the talk about it with Kevin she said something about talking dirty to him and him coming all over himself. But I'll have to see if I can find an archive on that, was hear say.

  5. I think this is one of your best blogs yet. I agree you are becoming more and more objective about the players. And I totally agree about how wrong it is that we are quick to call women sluts and whores for sleeping with a guy or any sexual encounter for whatever reason they are doing it. And the games last night were a great distraction from the drama of the house.

  6. Great, Lala!!! I never thought of Lydia as slut, just WHY Jessie??? Just my personal opinion, I can't stand the dude..I certainly don't blame her wanting sex, but don't seem like she got much out of it. Btw, have done same w/my hubby when he cheated, but took him back. he learned, together now 40+ yrs. Love your insights, you see soooo much more than most of us.. Been w/you since last season & BB wouldn't be same w/o you. MUAH! Charliesyaya

  7. o a whole 9 days she should be given saint hood lol but she is no nastalie according to her it was a handjob and she didnt kiss him lol haha everyone is using grims name for lydia now

  8. my dearest queen slut the only reason i read your blog is for your humor ilove your take on the feeds and you make me laugh and in the end that is all that matters :)

  9. what a slut. but i like your cut

  10. I am just catching up on your blogs this week, love them as usual. You are original, gutsy, creative, humorous, and awesome. Love the blog even more now than any of the past several years. Love ya LALA!