Do You Want To Punch Me Or Kiss Me?

What started out as a seemingly boring peaceful day spotted with the colorful and incessant cackles of a wild weaved woman turned out to be a day rife with anxiety, butthole pleasures, and clashing meatheads. How did we get here? Let's recap, shall we?

The day began simply enough. Chima held court in her HOH room, Jordan said many stupid things, Michele picked her nose and ate it, Russell floated in the pool, Natalie made Jessie some sandwiches, and all was well. Chima got her HOH camera and the HG's had a ball taking posed photos and leaving Russell out. They wanted to do prom type photos and Chima made no effort whatsoever to include Russell in the fun. I don't see why she couldn't just suck it up and say, "Hey Russ, you want to take pics with us?" Instead she made fun of him floating out in the pool and cackled her way into giving me a headache.

It was about this time on the live feeds when that nasty rumor got started on Twitter. Someone sent out a tweet saying that people with tickets to today's live show were told to arrive several hours earlier. Wha.. wha... what?!?! What could this possibly mean? Why, for the love of the god, why do they need to be there early? Well, it sounds like tonight's show will be taped. I know, I know hurl yourselves off your rooftops and impale your floundering bodies on a rusty spike. What a travesty! How dare CBS tape a Thursday night show! OK let me explain. The show will be taped, but it'll be run just like a live show. It's not like parts will be rehearsed over and over again.

Kevin and Chima were talking in the HOH and Kevin said to Chima, "They've been giving us a lot of warnings about the live show." Chima replies, "Well, I made a lot of threats to go off again." Then we got fish. A lot of uncontrollable factors are going down today: Wizard power, nominations changing up, and Chima's reaction are just a few. In addition to that, they need to recap, talk to Chima in HOH, give speeches, vote, have an exit interview, and run an HOH competition. There's so much to get done in a very small period of time that pretaping the show makes perfect sense. Some little bits here and there may need to be edited (For example, we usually see the HG's walking to the DR to vote. That's wasting precious time! Instead we'll probably just see votes and leave the boring walking to on the editing room floor). CBS needs to make sure to get it all in within an hour. Pretaping allows them to shorten interviews, speeches, goodbye messages, what have you. They've pretaped shows in the past. This is nothing new. I really don't think this is a reason for everyone to get their panties in a twist. Everyone is dying to see Chima's reaction. CBS knows this. That's why we're all so super psyched about tonight. Bitch is going to go off. CBS will also need to ample time to bleep out all her expletives. Tonight's show will be super drama filled and the earth will continue to spin. Calm down people.

By the way this rumor has been CONFIRMED to be true so all of you pessimistic hags in the chat saying that Twitter is a den of lies and evil can burn in hell.

I will say that it is very annoying that Chima is able to threaten Big Brother and get away with it. I'd really like to see the American Big Brother become more strict and not hesitate in handing out punishments - much like BBUK. Everytime Chima curses on TV they should take money out of her stipend. Everytime she refuses to do what Big Brother says, she should be given a day of slop. Instead Big Brother is giving her everything she wants (a bloated HOH basket) and tiptoeing gently around her. She's a tiny wild weaved cackling witch. Why is Big Brother so intimidated by her? They must have known what they were getting when they cast her. Why they chose to air her rape story WEEKS after she divulged it in the house is still a mystery to me. What is this magic power she has over Big Brother's balls? Is Big Brother rooting for her to win? Good god I hope not.

Ok so after the photos and Twitter drama, Russell and Jeff were sitting outside by the pool having a chat. Jessie was inside spying and getting paranoid. The above photo is Jessie watching them through the sliding glass door. Jessie later joins them and Russell tells him that Jeff is working on getting him votes. Well, Jeff said nothing of the sort and a dull roar of panic began to rumble through the chat rooms. Did Russell just piss Jeff off enough that he won't use the Wizard Power now? Jeff was indeed annoyed. He got up and walked away from the conversation. Here is where I need to announce again that IF JEFF DOES NOT USE THE WIZARD POWER, HE IS DEAD TO ME! If Jeff really lets a stupid comment from Russell stop him from advancing in this game, I will hate him forever. I don't care if he makes sweet love to Jordan and she gives birth to twins on the show. I don't care if he really proposes to her and they sail off into the sunset together. If Jeff does not use his power, he's a fucking idiot and I will have nothing but hate for him. I hope all of you lunatic Jeff/Jordan fans join me in this proclamation. This is the one opportunity for Jeff to impress us. He's been playing like shit and he alone has the ability to change this game for the rest of the season.

This entire season up until now has been played personally. Why does Chima want Russ out? Because he hurt her feelings. Why did Russ want Ronnie out? Because he lied to him. Why did Jessie want Braden out? Because he made racist remarks. Very very few decisions in this game this season have been strategic. Natalie is after Lydia because she's jealous. Michele doesn't like Russ because he called her crazy. Everyone's precious little feelings are getting hurt and they react immediately. That's really no way to play this game. Leave your feelings at the door. Even I've been getting sucked in to the whole "feelings" racket. I was mad Kevin didn't take down Lydia because they're supposedly friends. I should have been mad because Kevin risked pissing off his one and only true alliance in the house. Damn these bitches for turning me into someone who like actually cares about others.

Here's a conversation that took place in the HOH between Chima and Kevin:

Chima: I wonder why Jeff is so standoffish.

Kevin: I think he genuinely doesn't like us.

Chima: I think he just doesn't like people. In that game last night he said the one thing wrong with the world was people.

Kevin: I think something must have happened to him to make him so angry and unfriendly.

Chima: I think he thinks women are scumbags. He's definitely a bros before hos kinda guy.

OK so what's wrong with that conversation? It's all about sappy poopy feelings. That's what's wrong. These two have been sitting around with too much time on their hands overanalyzing everything to death. That's all well and good. I'd imagine I'd do the same in that house. The only thing is they're not focussing on what's important. If Chima really thinks that Jeff has the power, then why isn't she considering the fact that he might actually use it? Why hasn't she entertained the idea that things just might not go her way? Why the fuck isn't she wondering how she should play it if Russell ends up staying this week? Woudn't you guys be planning for every eventuality? She should assume the worst (Russ stays and become HOH) and construct a plan of attack. I do this all the time in my everyday life and I think I'd do it all night and day if I was in the BB house. If ever I'm questioning a decision, I always ask myself, "What's the worst that could happen and what should I do if it ends up happening?". It's just common sense to me. I'm utterly shocked and surprised that no one in Chima's crew has sat down and thought about what would happen if Russell stays. Stupid idiots.

Speaking of stupid idiots, this brings me to Michele. The HG's got a half way party yesterday to celebrate the fact that they've made it to the Jury House. The feeds went down and the HG's got music, food, and alcohol (the Have-Nots were able to eat and drink for 2 hours). When the feeds came back, guess who had a few too many sips of wine? You got it. The Ass Licker. We all know by now that when the Ass Licker drinks she gets loose lipped and skittles fall from the clouds. A giant scratch and sniff rainbow straddles the sky and Michele begins to talk about butthole pleasures. No surprises here - Michele gets off on it. She asks Jordan, "Have you ever had a finger up there?" Jordan says yes but it was weird. Michele, clad in a brown potato sack, licks her eyeball and says, "I'm only happy answering butt sex questions because lots of people already have butt sex." Yes Michele, but all of those people aren't on a live feed with thousands of others watching. Those butt sex people aren't touching themselves ferociously fidgeting for all the world to see. They're at home shoving things up their asses in private. Unlike you, Ass Licker.

Jordan then begins to tell a tale of a porno she once saw where people dressed up as pigs begin to lick each other's asses, "They were just going to town. They got a meal." Naturally, Michele got all hot and bothered. Ass Licking is her forte and anything ass licking related is right up her alley (so to speak). The conversation then turns to Michele's nocturnal moans. Bitch moans, screams, and talks in her sleep. It freaks out the HG's and it's apparently freaked out others in Michele's life as well. She'd talk shit about her college roommates in her sleep and then wake up to find them all pissed at her. It caused her a lot of problems in college (obviously before Debbie came to her rescue). Jordan chimes in and says she's had 2 sex dreams in the house. Jeff perks up and says, "Oh really?". She says they weren't about anyone in the house and then Jeff punched himself in the balls. Jordan goes on to tell a story about Casey waking up in his old man "whitey tighties" with a boner. Ewww. Just ewww.

When I was little I was a sleepwalker. I'd wander the neighborhood at night and then wake up with dirty feet wondering how they got that way. I'd also eat crazy things in my sleep too and then I'd wake up and vomit everything I had eaten. My mom would get so pissed off thinking I'd purposely eaten a whole box of chocolates she'd hidden away from all us kids when in fact I had no idea the chocolates were in the house in the first place. My magical powers would take over as I slept and I'd discover my mother's hidden chocolates and I'd eat every single one of them. I woke up sick to my stomach barfing and my mom made me go to school anyways. Bitch! Whenever I'd spend the night at friends houses I'd wake up repeatedly through the night and find myself in different peoples beds. I remember one night in Corona Del Mar. I woke up in my friends brothers bed, in her older sisters bed, in her parents bed, and then on the floor of a bathroom. What the hell was going on with me as a kid? So weird. I don't do that now of course. Now when I wake up in mysterious beds I usually have an inkling of an idea as to how I got there. ;)

Apparently, Big Brother told Michele before she entered the house that her talking in her sleep would equal good ratings. Oh, so is that why she was cast because I still can't for the life of me figure out why she's in that house? Apparently, Ass Licker also has a bad sense of smell. Ok that's way too easy. Insert stinking asshole joke here.

Later Lydia, Chima, and Kevin are in the HOH chit chatting about stuff and Lydia says that Jordan looks a little "withered" lately. Well, tweak my nipples and slap my ass. All the crazy Jordan fans went into a frenzy. How dare Lydia say that?!? Well, I hate to break it to you, but Jordan has been looking very sloppy lately. She's such a pretty girl, but she walks around with her hair all yucky and in dumpy clothes. She sniffs her pits all the time and openly declares that she smells. I'm sorry, but this is horrifying to me! Nothing is quite as offensive as body odor. When Jordan dresses up and looks all put together she's quite lovely. It's just that she rarely bothers to look nice anymore. Lydia isn't as pretty as Jordan and her style is definitely unique and probably not a lot of people's cup of tea, but you have to admit that she spends a lot of time constructing her outfits, fixing her make-up, and styling her hair in unique ways. People rip on Lydia's style all the time, but she has fun with fashion and I don't think I can fault her for that. She takes risks and I kinda dig it. Would I wear Lydia's outfits? Probably not, but I try not to judge people for having fun with fashion. My favorite designer is Jean Paul Gaultier. I like things that are a little wild rather than something you'd find in a J. Crew catalogue.

Kevin and Chima chime in saying that whoever makes it to the final 2 and takes Jordan with them is a moron. I wholeheartedly agree. It would be very tough going up against her in the final even though she's essentially done nothing worthwhile in this game. Chima says she'll be livid if Jordan wins. I'm going to do something crazy and agree with Chima on this one. The one time Jordan had a teeny tiny bit of power (when she could assign the Have-Not's) she completely fucked up and turned it into a joke. Jordan lost me as a fan when she asked Jeff to carry her to the Jury House. She hasn't won anything, she hasn't made any important decicsions, she gossips when Jeff tells her specifically not to, and she's a fucking moron. Yes, she's cute, charming, and lovely, but she should NOT win this game. It would be an insult to the entire Big Brother franchise. If Jeff got evicted next week, Jordan would be completely lost. She'd probably team up with Russell or something and have him carry her along then. Sure, she's comedic relief, but that's about it.

This brings us to the weirdest fight yet this season. Russell and Michele are in the splish splash room and Russell is working her over for a vote. He's telling her that his main goal is to get Chima out and that Michele would be safe if he stayed. Michele is chewing her lips, nodding ferociously, and itching her butthole in agreement. THEN Jessie comes barging in. He leans over and talks to Russell like he's a child. Russell explodes saying he's just doing what he has to to stay in the game. He's not going to sit back and die, he's gonna fight to stay in the house. Jessie turns and yells to Michele, "Didn't you just tell me he called you crazy?" Michele bites her lip and farts. Then Jessie and Russell REALLY get into it coming frighteningly close to kissing each other in the process. Hot. Not. LOL

The fight gets really intense with lots of shouting, finger pointing, and posing. Yes, posing. Russell imitates Jessie doing his fey bodybuilder poses and Jessie's pin head looks like it's about to explode. When the fight finally ends IN A HUG, chatters and tweeters everywhere were totally confused. It turns out the 2 meatheads followed through with their plan (made a few days ago and outlined here) to pretend not to like each other. Remember when Russ told Jessie he could go after him if he wanted in order to keep up appearances? I think the fight was a little bit of that and a little bit of, "We are total morons fighting about nothing, let's just kiss and make up." A lot of what was said was legitimate and came from the heart, but in the end they gazed into each other's eyes and fell in love.

Please to enjoy:

Jessie confronts Russell in front of Michele
by whitebobcat

The whole time that weird sexual fight was going on, Natalie had run upstairs to report it all to Chima & The Gang (much like Kool & The Gang). She's foaming at the mouth scratching her scabies saying that Michele has them all played and that she's the mastermind loving all of this. Ragamuffin says, "Michele is a fucking snake dude." Jordan shortly thereafter runs up and starts telling every secret everyone has ever told her in her short trailer parked life. Does Jordan really think those people in the HOH are her friends? Doesn't she know they all see her as a threat? Is Jordan really that clueless to trust them? Yes, my dear readers, she is. Yes, she doesn't have a filter and yes, she'll ending up screwing Jeff in the end. I'm sure of it. She'll reveal something down the road - something she should keep secret and Jeff will get mad and explode. I can totally see it happening.





Ragamuffin, itching for more scandal, sneaks back downstairs and tries to spy on Russell and Jessie. She overhears their love fest and decides to join them. She tells Russell that his biggest mistake was putting Ronnie on the block and evicting him. That was what pushed everyone over the edge she claims. Yes, this was the instigating factor, but his fight with Chima is what permanently cemented the tiff.

Jessie later goes up to the HOH and informs them that Russell was just trying to do whatever he could to stay in the game. He says that Russell will be going home in 9th place but with 4th place money (since he won his cash prize). Russ said, "I don't care. I want to win first place." Michele starts licking her palms and stammers, "He never apologized to me for calling me crazy." Oh shut up you psychotic freak! You are crazy. Plain and simple. No apologies needed.

Chima, never one to leave a group unoffended, goes on to say how she sees Russell going to prison one day. He'll be locked up with all the sociopaths and end up killing his wife. OK Chima. A man rejects you and now he's a psychotic lady killer? She continues on saying he needs shrinks, meds, and electroshock therapy. As a fan of all institutionalized crazy people, you offend me Chima! The crazies are here for us to learn from. Give me a book about someone locked up in a state run hospital and I'm in heaven. Susanna Kaysen, Elizabeth Wurtzel, Sylvia Plath, Norah Vincent... the pantheon of crazy girl writers. I love each and every one of them. Could Chima Simone be next on that list? The only person in this house I see committed (other than Michele, she's a given) is Chima. Please Chima tell detailed stories about how the Haldol makes you drool and the plastic on the community couches sticks to your ass. I'll be first in line to buy your memoir. I promise.

So that's where we are. The fit will be hitting the shan tonight, even though it'll be a pretaped shan. Here's what I'd like to see happen: Jeff uses the Wizard Power, puts Natalie and Jessie on the block. Jessie goes home. Russell then wins HOH, resolidifies his alliance with Jeff and Jordan, nominates Natalie and Chima, and Chima goes home next week. I want Chima to have the most hellish week of her life. If another HOH can provide that, then that's fine, but I think there's a certain beauty to Russ getting it. It will infuriate Chima and whatever infuriates Chima delights me!

Who do you guys want to win HOH and why?

Shall We Play A Game?

(First person who can name the movie where my title quote comes from wins nothing, but gets my appreciation)


A whole lot of nothing. That's what's been happening. A big pile of shite. A big pile of stinking fly buzzing shite.





Oh a girl as dumb as a box of rocks shaved her legs... in the backyard... almost squiritng herself in the face... with a goddamn garden hose!




Oh and she didn't rinse the razor off once... not ONE time. She just kept shaving away without a care in the world. If this idiot wins this game, I swear to god... I'm gonna flip out.

It also appears as if BB has told Chima to stop calling Russell a terrorist. She tells Jessie in bed that she can't call him that anymore. It won't last. She'll call him a terrorist on Thursday when he's taken off the block by Jeff. I can't wait. Jeff will stand up and mumble something about being the Wizard then Chima will stand up and point at him and shriek, "If you take him off the block, that makes you a terrorist sympathizer!" Then she'll turn to Russell and scream, "Terrorist! Terrorist!" Yeah, that's totally how it's going down. Drinking game for Thursday will be to take a shot everytime Chima says "terrorist" or gets bleeped. Just go ahead and get a gallon of your favorite liquor for that night. You'll need it.



What else? What else? Oh Jeff got another day on slop because he took a sip of Gatorade. Chatters are all pissed because Lydia was the one who called him out. I don't think she did it on purpose. They were sitting in the backyard chilling and Jeff chugs some Gatorade. Lydia says, "Jeff, what are you doing? You can't drink that!" In all honesty, if it was me, I would have done the exact same thing. I'd absolutely call out someone for cheating ESPECIALLY if I was on slop too. If Lydia had been a HAVE, then I'd say she was a bitch for calling him out, but she's also a HAVE-NOT so she has every right. Natalie is more the slop police than anyone else. She's like a glorified hall monitor when it comes to all things Have/Have-Not.






Russell decided to catch a bug in a plastic baggie. A cricket or a grasshopper I think. I wonder what his plans are for it??? Maybe he'll put it in Chima's bed or sneak up behind her and stuff it in her weave. That bug could probably live out a happy peaceful on her head. I'm sure there's tons to snack on in there. There's probably already a mate for it there too. Yeah, that bug would have a dream life aboard the Chima Weave Of Love. I have no doubt there's already a thriving bug metropolis in there as we speak.

Later Jordan made a tomato sandwich, but she forgot one crucial ingredient. Care to guess which one? Yup, TOMATO! I swear to you people, I'm not making this up. I mean I'm good, but I'm not that good.




Later the HG's play a game where they answer questions on cards. The questions are supposed to be thought provoking I think. Didn't Alyssa Milano have a book of questions on an episode of CHARMED? I'm sure she did. If there's one thing I know, it's my CHARMED trivia.


Lydia and Chima are discussing how they've been making Jessie food and Jeff says, "Who loves him more? That's one of the questions on the cards!" LOL Touche Jeffie Pooh. Touche. Natalie chimes in and says, "Jordan. She left you and went to Jessie." (stab yourselves in the hearts Jeff/Jordan fans)


Lydia asks: Is there a soul mate for each person?
Jeff: There's 2 soul mates for each person! (ba dum bum!)
Lydia: Oh come oooon!
Natalie: I have a soul mate at home and his name is Jason.
Then Jessie took the grilled cheese Chima made him and shoved it up his ass.



The HG's decide to play Table Topics in an organized fashion. Up until now Natalie keeps yelling at everyone and trying to take over. They make it mandatory and say it's going to be run like a POV meeting. Jessie says in a sing songy voice, "Hey everybody, it's time for the Table Topics Meeting..." Natalie tries to take over as emcee, but Lydia quickly snatches the cards out of her hands and gives her a wet willy (maybe?).


Typically, I'd need to embellish the dialogue, but trust me when I say this game verbatim is entertaining enough. No embellishments needed.


Lydia: What are the redeeming qualites of the person you most dislike?
Chima: Cackle cackle cackle, Yeah where's Russell?!?
Natalie: Noooooooo You need to do it this way.
Lydia: Shush!
Jeff: Russell?!?
Kevin: What would be his most redeeming quality?
Chima: Ummmm that he's not in the room.


Lydia: Would you prefer money for a housekeeper, a cook, a gardener, or a personal secretary?
Natalie: Would I prefer money for what?
Lydia: WOULD YOU PREFER money for a HOUSEKEEPER, a COOK, a GARDENER, or a PERSONAL SECRETARY?
Natalie: Ohhhh uhhhh a cook.
Kevin: Why?
Natalie: Because I can't cook.



Lydia: Jessie, if you had a boat what would you name it?
Jessie: Little shoutie!
Lydia: What he calls his car.
Kevin: You can't use the same name!

Jessie: In your opinion what are the 7 wonders of the world?
Jeff: Jessie doesn't count.
Lydia: Definitely ok sex, rock and roll, umm the pyramids in Egypt, Dalai Lama, make-up, candy, Disneyland.

(I totally agree with Disneyland. I freaking love it there. When I was little I was being a total bitch one day at Disneyland and my mom thought it would be funny to take me on Space Mountain. She thought it would scare me into being a little angel. It was dark and windy and loud with the space shuttles whizzing by in the blackness. I was petrified as we approached the roller coaster. Once aboard I screamed in delight telling my mom it was BEST RIDE IN THE WORLD! My mom was so pissed. I begged to go on it again. She just snatched my arm and dragged me off to Adventureland. I love everything about Disneyland - even the stupid Lincoln dummy who talks. You go see him when it's too hot and you need an air conditioned rest. Disneyland rocks.)


Lydia: What's the temptation you find hardest to resist?
Kevin: Tempation? Oooooh anything of the ass variety.
Jeff: Ass variety?
Kevin: That's the type of temptation.



Lydia: Which vice would you indulge in if it had no negative side effects?
Jordan stares ahead blankly. "Vice" is too big a word for her.
Lydia: So something naughty, if you could indulge in something naughty without any bad things happening, what would it be?
Jordan continues to stare wondering what "indulge" means.
Jessie: Like every single cookie in the world.
Jeff: Or drugs
Jordan: I don't knoooooooow.
Chima: What's your vice? Is it sweets or drugs?
Lydia: Or sex?
Natalie: Or gambling?
Jordan: Definitely not sex. Probably eatin' chocolate.




Lydia: Which piece of land would you wish to have preserved forever?
Jeff: Ummm, whew, probably like a city?
Lydia: Yeah, which piece of land would you wish to have preserved forever?
Jeff: Can I say like Rome? Yeah, that's cool Rome.
Jessie: Why don't you say the land around your house or something?



Lydia: OK Michele what has been the most spiritual experience of your life?
Michele: Oh ummm like a heavy duty thing?
Jessie: Seriously
Michele: Ummm hearing the Dalai Lama speak.
Lydia: Woooooooooow
Kevin: Shut the fuck up!
Michele: He spoke at a Society For Neuroscience convention a couple years back and I was like 2 rows in front of him chewing my face off and pointing to my no-no. Lama totally dug it.
(OK so maybe a teeny portion of that was fabricated)



Kevin: Lydia, which celebrity do people say you resemble?
Lydia: I don't know!
Jeff: You just looked at yourself. Who did you see?
Natalie: That girl who was married to Flavor Flav.
Lydia: Brigitte Nielson?
Natalie: There you go.
Jeff: Who do you feel? It's your question.
Lydia: When I have long hair it could be Hannah Montana.


Here we go....

Lydia: OK Jordo, what's your dream job?
Jordan: Dental Hygienist
Lydia: Your dream job?
Kevin: Your dream job?
Jeff: I already knew that!
Jordan: Yeah, I've always wanted to do it.
Chima: I thought you said you wanted to be a broadcaster.
Jordan: Well, that's like a backup.
Jeff: You should be friends with that guy on Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. He wanted to be a dentist. You ever see the claymation movie? That guy!
Jordan: And I also thought about ummm....
Jessie: A monster truck driver?
Jordan: A radiat... oh ummm what is it? Radiology? Like you know doing ummm uhhh mammograms.
Lydia: You just want to do something where you get to wear glasses and a coat.
Jordan: No, like you can wear scrubs everyday to work and can get like paid good and you don't have to depend on anyone.



Lydia: Michele, if you could work as an assistant for anyone in the world, who would you work for?
Michele: Gwen Stefani! I love her.



OK I'm sorry, but my head just exploded. There's brain matter being flung around the room from the ceiling fan above me. I can't listen to this anymore. Let's change gears.

Natalie, Lydia, Jessie, Kevin are convinced Michele is lying about where she works. Apparently, she lives in Pasadena and they think she walks to work. Lydia says there's a NASA center in Pasadena. They think Michele works on people's brains rather than rats. Seriously? You people think Ass Licker actually works amongst humans? Hell no! She's locked in a room with only her tiny rat friends to keep her company. She speaks her own special rat language to them and licks all their asses when no one is looking. Little does she know that her labratory is covered in closed circuit cameras and that all the security men pass around the Michele Ass Licking tapes at their weekend poker games. She's a legend in the rent-a-cop world.

Lydia tells the others how Russell calls Chima Chia pet and say she's a cackling witch who has Natalie and Jessie wrapped aroung her finger. He's 100% so far. He also said that Lydia was a cry baby and that Jeff and Jordan are the only nice ones. Natalie tells Lydia that Russell said to watch out for Lydia and that she'll do anything to stay in the game including using her body. He said that Lydia offered to get in the shower with him that first week so he'd use the veto. Lydia listens to all of this and says, "Oh really?" Russell isn't telling any lies there and I was excited to see someone use sex as a tool in the game. Little did I know that Lydia was a insecure time bomb who needs the approval of men to get herself through the day.

They discuss how Russell is planning to go off on Kevin. Upon hearing this, Kevin says, "Still?" Jessie tells him, "Don't worry. I got you." Anyone else think Natalie, Jessie, Kevin and Lydia make a really weird foursome? It's unsettling. I HATE that Kevin is siding with Chima and that he's dragged Lydia along for the ride. They go on to dicuss how Russell will probably wear his fedora on Thursday because he's breaking out everywhere, "He has craters. He has like Mars and Jupiter." Jessie says the stress is getting to Russell, "He's bugging out." Interesting choice of words.

Then the conversation actually gets interesting. They all talk about how they want Sushi. Jessie says a Sushi party would be the best. Lydia tells Natalie they'll have to lay her down naked and put Sushi all over her body in strategic places. Ok seriously, the blood vessels in my eyes just burst. Natalie says she'd do it. She'd do anything for Sushi right now. THEN Jessie brings up sex. He says thinking about sushi is like thinking about sex. Once you start doing it, you can't stop. Natalie says she's not like that with sex at all. Kevin says girls don't think about sex as much as guys do. Lydia says, "Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?" Jessie says, "It's been like a month and a half." Oh really Jessie? According to my calculations it's been a couple weeks. Who on the outside world, in their right mind, without $500,000 at stake, would sleep with Jessie? Oh that's right... Manchelle.

Ragamuffin finally puts 2 and 2 together and says, "You just said it's been a month and a half and you don't even have a girlfriend. So you say you just sleep around with random girls?" Her horns begin to emerge and she starts to drool. Jessie says it's called self preservation. Ragamuffin starts to grow hair on her knuckles and says, "So you sleep with people you're not even in a relationship with?" Jessie does the equivalent of sticking a stake in her heart and says, "Man I'd hate to be your husband then if you could go a month and a half without sex." Clear the decks! Hide your children! A rabid Ragamuffin will be grabbing her crotch up and down the formerly peaceful streets of your neighborhood. She's going to kill your kittens and leave long trails of drool all over your front porches.

Then Natalie says she's not going to lie and say she hasn't had sex with her boyfriend but that you should wait until to marriage. Kevin, bless his heart, says, "Do blow jobs count?" He then goes on to sneakily address the huge elephant in the room. He says, "When girls have sex with a man they get emotionally involved." Jessie replies, "No they get too controlling." *bites fist* Lydia just sits there quietly not saying a word and then later calls Natalie out for being a hypocrite. Natalie thinks that one should wait until marriage yet she herself hasn't waited. Lydia then says that some women use sex as a tool of negotiation. Hmmm ok, yes they do and it would have been nice had you been able to pull it off Lydia, but instead you got attached to a hairless Manbeast!

You can choose to cover your ears or eyes here if you want. Jessie talks about giving girls orgasms. He insists no one has ever faked it with him, "the screaming, the convulsions". I know, ewwww, just ewwww. He says, "When you can paint the walls with the squealing..." Jessie, honey, those girls are probably screaming for you to STOP touching them down there. It's like that Seinfeld episode where George tries to do Jerry's move and adds a knuckle. "It feels like aliens are invading my body." Sometimes girls squirm when they want you to stop. I'm quite positive that's what's going on with Jessie when it comes to bedroom activities. I refuse to believe Jessie has the first inkling on how to please a woman. Jessie just doesn't get that girls fake it to appease a man. He says he doesn't care if he gets off, he just wants the girl to enjoy herself. Let's all roll our eyes together. Yeah riiiiiiiiiiiight. The Two Pump Chump likes to please his ladies. (The phrase Two Pump Chump is copyrighted by Jediaces. Any use of the phrase must be obtained by specifc permission from the one and only Jediaces or else he'll beat you up.)

Lydia, the precious angel she is, says, "Do you know how many times I've faked it?" AHAHAHAHA!!!!! Thank you Lydia. Thank you. Jessie says, "Ok I'm not going entertain the thought that you guys think something I know to be true. Whatever." He starts to pout over the revelation that women may fake it. Lydia says, "Well then I'm glad you're confident in your abilities." The subtext is genius. You can't listen to this coversation without reading between the lines.

The conversation gets even better. Jessie insists he's made girls squirt. Still... I REFUSE to believe Jessie is good in the sack. It goes against everything that's good and holy in the world. Precious little ponies just collectively hurled themselves off of a cliff. I think he just must have seen that in a porno somewhere. The topic of discussion turns to spit or swallow. Natalie says, "Of course, spit." then she backtracks and says, "Who says I even do that?" I think what's going on with Natalie here is that she wants to join in the convo, but realizes that her dad is probably watching so she clams up and gets all shy. Jessie says if you eat pineapple it makes it taste better. Excuse me, I have to go vomit now. Another mission to save the muffin has failed. Pineapple? I knew Jessie drank his own junk. I can totally see him doing that. OK I apologize. This has totally gone to an ugly place. I'll end this here.

Oh wait... one more thing. Natalie tells Lydia that if she was into dating girls, she'd date Lydia. She says Lydia intrigues her and then Jessie's head explodes. Natalie says, "Everyday you're growing on me more." HA! Did I not say that in my pre pre BB11 predictions? I said I saw some hot love between Lydia and Natalie totally happening. Before the season started I said I wanted some Natalie/Lydia girl on girl action. It soon morphed into me wanting Lydia/Jordan girl on girl action and since then, I admit, I've totally given up, but that doesn't negate the fact that I'm a total genius with secret magical powers like John Edwards, James Van Praague or Lisa Williams.


OK let's play a little game amongst all of us. It'll be our own Table Topics. Here are your questions. Answer in the comments.

1) What would be your dream job?
2) If you could be an assistant to anyone in the world, who would it be?
3) What vice would you indulge in if it had no side effects?
4) What was your most spiritual experiece?
5) Who is the celebrity you most resemble?

I'll go first:

1) Travel Journalist a la Anthony Bourdain - intellectual, funny, hip, world traveled
2) Someone who travels a lot and lives an opulent lifestyle. Maybe Tony Robbins or Richard Branson. Someone who'd inspire me in the workplace.
3) Drugs. Who am I kidding?
4) Summer Solstice on top of the Glastonbury Tor
5) If Shakira and Jenna Jameson had a mutant child...

We Hear He Is A Wonderful Wizard

Trust. Honesty. Loyalty. Purity. Oooops. I forgot. I'm writing about Big Brother.

Self-inflicted pain. Lies. Duplicity. Traitors. Vengefulness. Backstabbing. Filth. That's more like it. Now I'm in the zone.

The Big Brother house is filled with all sorts of mythical fairytale creatures this year. We have a Wizard, a Manbeast, a Ragamuffin, a Cutter, a Queen, an Ass Licker, an Airhead, a Rat, a Love Muscle, a maniacal head of lips and hair with a body attached to it. The protagonists in this twisted tale struggle with reason and wrestle with their own sanity... much like the characters of an H.P. Lovecraft novel. This isn't horror fiction though. This is Big Brother.

So the big question is, Is Jeff the Wizard? Yes, I think so. Yesterday was the first day in this entire season where I saw a confident, shrewd, no bullshit talking Jeff. It was like he was a completely different player. Boy is the Wizard. No doubt about it. The Wizard was a bit of a point of contention yesterday. It's not due to the fact that Jeff got his power. It's due to the fact that others didn't. As the day progressed and the HG's (save Jeff) began to realize one by one that they were not the Wizard, everything slowly began to unravel and we experienced Mental Illness Day Part Deux (thanks HoodedWarrior!).

Russell began his day with a Michele confrontation. It's time to pull teeth. Apparently, last night Michele told Chima something about erectile dysfunction and it's relation to Russell. At least I think that's what was said. Who the hell can tell anymore when Ms. Mumbles gets going? All I know is erectile dysfunction was brought up, Russell got pissed, and Ass Licker began backpedalling. Russell tells Michele he doesn't appreciate her talking about sexual dysfunction in relation to his name. Michele says Chima was mad at her for talking to Russell and made her feel uncomfortable. A giant rainbow of goodness and truth then darted across the sky as Michele said, "I'm not a good on-the-spot repsonder". UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR! Michele mumbles a whole lot more, actually asks, "Do I mumble?", manages to squeak out that it was all a joke, and then she began to eat her face or something.

While Michele was left outside to contemplate her complete and utter uselessness to the world, Russell was inside making a big stink to Jessie and Natalie about just how useless Michele really is. How dare anyone criticize his Love Muscle! He has hard and fast proof now that the mythical conversation in the green room did happen (no it didn't) and that Jessie and Natalie have been telling him the truth all along (no they're not). Russell tells them they need to nominate Michele next week if they win HOH and then he goes out to pace back and forth in the kitchen. I wonder why Michele's erectile dysfunction comment made Russ so mad. Did she actually touch on something that may have some truth in it? Is the Love Muscle not all it's cracked up to be?

Meanwhile Kevin is realizing that if the Wizard Power is the Coup D'Etat then he could be in real trouble. If Ronnie wins it, Kevin is toast. He's done for. He spends the morning securing votes to keep himself in the house if it turns the Wizard ends up putting him on the block.

A half hour later Russell is still pacing, steam coming out of his ears now. He goes to Ronnie and tells him that Michele is really a PhD and that he's sorry he nominated Ronnie. He should have nominated Michele instead. Wha... Wha... What?!? Did that seriously just happen? You bet your ass (licker) it did.

Natalie, never one to miss a fight or an opportunity to start a fight, convinces Russ to have a house meeting. Groan. We all know how these Algonquin Round Table discussions end. Where's Dorothy Parker and Peter Benchley when you need them? Instead we get a dirty Ragamuffin and a mumbling Ass Licker. It hardly seems fair. So Russell has his little meeting and he's throwing Michele under the bus in front of everyone. He calls her out as a liar and publicly apologizes to Ronnie and Chima. Michele, clad only in a bathing suit, sits fidgeting struggling to form a sentence. She says Chima bullied her and made her comfortable. She says she never went into the green room with Jessie and Natalie. I'm going to be honest here. All I could think was, "Cry cry cry cry cry... come on Michele, cry!" The devil made me do it.

My favorite part is when Chima asks Michele what side she's on. Michele says, "I'm on yours." Chima replies, "And Russell's side too?". Ragamuffin, probably smacked in the face with the stench of her own filth, explodes on Michele screaming, "You're the rat! You're the rat! You're the rat!" Jessie is literally pulling her back by her grody unwashed yellow sweatshirt. Michele, desperate with insecurity and failure, turns to Jeff for a helping hand. Jeff screams, "Don't say my name!" (This was when I knew for certain Jeff was the Wizard by the way. He never would have reacted that way before.) Michele turns to Ronnie, "Congratulations Ronnie." Ronnie, smug with rattiness, says, "You're the most stupid and most ignorant person in this house!" *giggles* It's too delicious for words, isn't it?

Here's the whole debacle in it's entirety. Please to enjoy...

Jessie and Natalie pumped up with success (I still can't believe they managed to pull this all off), begin an attack on Kevin. They are trying to convince him that Lydia threw him under the bus. They saw their opening to turn the house upside down and they took it. Look, I hate Ragamuffin and Manbeast, but they are certainly playing this shit hardcore. They never give up and will resort to any form of manipulation to get their way. I kind of have to admire their acumen and tenacity. Two days ago I would have thought it a lost cause to fight for Ronnie to stay in the house, but yesterday it came frighteningly close to them pulling it off. Kevin, fabulous and gey, trying to defend himself to the Terrible Two pauses midfight to adjust his scarf. This makes me love him all over again. A girl has to look fabulous. 2 more snaps and a twist for you Kevin. You go girl.

Ronnie is in the bathroom trying to work on Jeff and Jordan for their vote. They blow him off and Jeff goes in to listen to the Kevin/Lydia drama. He stops everyone from arguing and asks the room to once and for all clarify the green room rumor. Did Michele or did she not have a conversation in the green room with Jessie and Natalie? Michele says no. Natalie says yes. Jeff says, "Well one of you is lying". The Wizard was at work my friends... he was at work.

Lydia gets summoned to the DR and when she emerges something is definitely amiss. She's despondent, quiet, tunnel-visioned, and obviously trying to quiet the voices in her head. I think the DR may have been passing out their Xanax flavored lollipops again because she was positively weird. She asks Jeff for a cigarette and goes outside to smoke away her anxiety. Oh, Chima also mumbled something about Lydia being on meds and how that must mean she has AIDS. I think we can now add the terminally ill to Chima's long list of groups to hate.

Kevin follows Lydia outside and tells her that Jessie, Natalie and Chima were trying to convince him that Lydia was a traitor. Lydia wants to confront Chima immediately and get it all out in the open. Kevin begs her not to and says she's not in the right frame of mind to confront anyone. Lydia moans, "They're trying to split me from the one friend I have in this house." Kevin replies, "Let's let them think we're strained, but we're really stronger than ever." Lydia has Kevin write the word PERSPECTIVE on her arm in lipstick so she can remember where to keep her head in the game.

After that Lydia goes completely off the deep end. First she goes into her room to sleep. I figured the Xanies had kicked in and she needed to sleep it off. Shortly thereafter, Jessie enters the same room and tries to go to sleep as well. THEN it's the attack of the Ragamuffin. Natalie marches in all loud and obnoxious preventing anyone anywhere from falling asleep. She's so evil. She's rubbing salt in Lydia's wounds. Lydia gets up and goes to the splash room to pack. My first instinct was, "She's quitting. Natalie has finally pushed her over the edge." Jordan and Michele enter to see if she's alright and Lydia mumbles that she's leaving. She says Jessie's treatment of her last night made her want to hurt herself. It appears as if Lydia has cutting in her past.

For those of you not in the know, cutting is very serious. It has nothing to do with suicide, but it is very dangerous. A person will cut trying to relieve themselves from the pain that's going on inside their heads. It's not something to joke about and I was a bit appalled by the Twitter reaction to Lydia's confession. It sounds like Lydia had some very difficult years in her past. An egotistical Manbeast could definitely trigger her to revert to old ways. Yes, she probably was seeking attention, but that's part of being a cutter. Cutters will try to keep things private but secretly they want to get a reaction out of people. The cutting is basically a cry for help and I don't find it funny at all.

So Lydia mentions how Jessie's mistreatment of her (throwing her around and bruising her) triggered something in her to want to cut again and then we got fish. Everytime Lydia mentioned cutting again throughout the night we got fish. Jordan and Michele eventually leave Lydia and she continues to pack. Natalie, ruthless and evil and persistant, enters the splash room for no reason at all! She's just there fiddling with a blanket refusing to leave Lydia alone. That girl has some balls. She is truly relentless.

Lydia finishes packing and goes and gets something to eat. She had planned to eat in the spa room, but when she entered the room Jessie has infiltrated it lying lazily on all the pillows. Lydia is not deterred. She sits down and very loudly begins to chomp potato chips. She's determined not to let Jessie have a moments peace. She claps over and over again trying to disturb him and even smears peanut butter on his face.

What transpired was truly disturbing. Lydia tells Jessie he makes her want to hurt herself and he rolls his eyes and sighs, "I know". All she wants is for him to acknowledge that he's treated her like shit. Manbeast won't even give her that tiny bit of respect. He's self absorbed moaning about how Lydia has been nothing but a problem for him. Talk about kicking someone when she's down. It was ugly. Very ugly. Yes, Lydia was annoying. I'll admit that, but Jessie was just plain cruel. He really hasn't an ounce of sympathy in his grotesque muscle-y body. People who go out of their way to bring others down get no sypmathy from me. Malice is truly the ugliest thing in the world.





After all the drama and the hate, we actually manage to get a very funny conversation. Men, cover your ears. I'm about to talk all things period-related. Natalie doesn't know how to use a tampon. Yes, she's on the rag and yes, she's not showering. Jordan tries to explain to her how a tampon works. They get confused over the fact that your pee hole is indeed different from your fuck hole (Sorry, I couldn't think of a better way to describe it). Jordan was trying to explain to Natalie that you can pee when you have a tampon in. She says, "The pee just goes down the string." Natalie asks if you reuse tampons. Jessie chimes in and says, "No! Even I know that." Natalie says, "So when you take your tampon out, it's full of pee?" Jordan says, "No, it's full of blood." I know. I know. Too much information, but I can't even believe that conversation took place with someone over the age of 16. Jordan finishes the conversation telling Natalie she will teach her how to use a tampon.

Natalie, confused over fuck holes and pee holes, is really fuming inside. She's livid that Jessie has been in the spa room with Lydia for over an hour. She tells Chima she's done with him. She specifically told him not to talk to Lydia again and he disobeyed. Oh go take a shower you filthy cunt rag. Cunt rag is my new favorite phrase. And shower she did. Her Have-Not punishment ended and a week's worth of grime was washed off her tiny evil body.

The night ended with messages from viewers being played into the house. Ok quick question: Why did everyone who called in sound like they live in a remote mountain cabin with no running water and rampant tooth decay? Every single message they played was tinged with a back woods mountains of West Virginey accent. Now I love West Virgina. I visit it often so I don't want to hear any attacks, but the people who were calling in sounded like they haven't been to school since the age of 14 and the messages were all moronic.

The messages ranged from begging the HG's for a car (I'm looking at you Mark from Hartford, CT) to singing them annoying songs over and over again. I got excited when I first heard the messages being played in every 10-15 minutes. I thought this will be funny, but then the same messages were just repeated over and over again. It was so fey. Chima told everyone who watches the live feeds to get a life and Ronnie obsessed over someone calling him out over picking his belly button while reading the bible. Natalie was offended by them all taking them personally and Russ and Jeff think they were all so mean. Ronnie announced, "It's official. America hates us." You got that right ratface.

Please to enjoy...

Russell wrote his HOH blog yesterday and never has an HG been more off the mark. Read for yourself how Russ has completely misjudged everyone in the house: http://www.cbs.com/primetime/big_brother/interact/hoh_blog/

So tonight is big. I'm very much looking forward to seeing Jeff get his power. If he doesn't use it tonight, I can say with absolute certainty that Ronnie is going home. HOH is going to be a nail biter... no doubt about it. I'd like Kevin, Lydia, Jeff or Jordan to win. I hope this coming week is when we finally see Natalie and Jessie on the block. Those two are due for some retribution.

Finally, I'd like to thank you all again for coming back everyday to read my little rinky dink blog. I went from having 3 readers to having several thousand in the span of a week. Your kind words of support and your spreading the word has made this blog reach more people than I ever imagined. Thank you for the retweets and the compliments. I really really really appreciate it. It's been a ton of fun and I'm thinking of doing a weekly Bitchy Survivor Blog as a result. Is that something you guys would be into? Let me know in the comments.

That Not So Fresh Feeling

The big banana has split and America has been given power. *waves fist into the air and mutters "finally"* We all rolled our eyes at the dissolution of the cliques. Yawn. How prosaic of you CBS. But then... hark! The Chenbot gave us a faint glimmer of hope. She gave us pure unadulterated power. Megalomaniacs everywhere rejoiced and showed up en masse to vote and vote and vote for none other than the black boxer brief Abercrombie & Fitch sometimes eyeglass wearing resident stud. Jeffy Pooh needs your help America and you've responded. You've responded so loud and clear that if I see another "Vote Jeff" tweet someone will have to pay.

Clever of CBS to air the saccharine sweet cavity inducing Jeff and Jordan family clips immediately before announcing America can award a Coup D'etat. Don't think that wasn't planned to shut you all up. The constant bitching over the Athletes winning everything finally got to someone over there in Allison Grodner's funhouse and this Coup D'etat is most definitely her olive branch to you. So vote and vote often. Puppies and baby pandas everywhere will fall over dead unless you ensure that America will get to enjoy a few more weeks of Jeff and Jordan. Be advised though that if Jordan doesn't stop stuffing her face with absolutely everything she sees, their cutesy potentially beautiful baby making flirtation will come crashing to a complete halt. It's better for everyone involved (especially Jeffy Pooh) if Jordan doesn't get too tubby. This isn't More To Love people.

That brings us to the HOH. It was violent, messy, and uncomfortable - basically everything I love in a good endurance competition. It took forever for the Live Feeds to turn back on which ignited more cries of, "Why do I pay for this if they don't show us anything?" You all know how I feel about that. A swift kick to the face with a golf shoe is the only way to solve a problem like that. The feeds did flicker for a millisecond towards the beginning. Long enough for us to see that Kevin had fallen. Damn. I was rooting for him, but seriously how long could he have really lasted? The good news for Kevin is that he won the $5000 so way to go Kevin!

When we finally did get a good chunk of feed time what we saw was horrifying, shocking, and made me laugh my silly little heart out. Lydia was down, but that's not why I laughed. Did you ever see that movie STAND BY ME? There's a very funny part in that film where Gordie is telling a story about a character named Lard Ass. Lard Ass decides to get revenge on the town by downing a whole bottle of quinine before entering a pie eating contest. I think you all know where I'm headed here. Someone in the HOH competition vomited and it started a chain reaction. Michele was hurling, Jordan started gagging, Lydia was puking on the sidelines, Jessie ran to a corner and dry heaved, Ronnie caught a whiff of it all just as he rammed into the diploma and the stench was so powerful he came crashing down. Ok so I seriously didn't make up any of that last sentence. That is the god's honest truth of what really happened. Great, huh?

The puke fest even started to affect people in the chats. LOL People had to step away from their laptops and fight back the vomit creeping up their throats. Well played CBS. Well played. I'd like to know who the sadistic, clearly insane, new competition inventor is on this seasons Big Brother. This delicious morsel from heaven also gave us the zit competition. Do you remember that episode of Seinfeld where Elaine promotes a slightly mad war vet to copy writer for her catalog? He writes graphic horrifying little stories to sell the J. Peterman wares. Well, that's what I'm picturing the new lunatic in the Big Brother family production team to look like.

The next casualty was the one that delighted viewers and infuriated Jessie. Natalie's sandwich making ass was down! Hooray! Oh she was so pissed. She kept muttering phrases like, "I could have been on there until tomorrow if there hadn't been any water". Yeah ok. Keep telling yourself that you tiny spawn of satan. Who's the bad ass now Natalie? No, no mirrors for you. You are ALL TALK and zero game with your head so far up Jessie's asshole. Now shut up and let me enjoy my vomiting. And enjoy I did... Michele started puking again and Jordan fell shortly thereafter.

Michele, holding on for dear life, and probably suffering multiple orgasms with that rope in between her legs accidentally kicked the diploma at one point. In turn, the diploma smashed right into Chima causing her to flip over the it and land completely upside down. I've got to hand it to the girl. Legs akimbo, weave a mass of tangles, Chima held on and managed to flip herself back upright.

Natalie, the patron saint of all things fair, the girl who wanted to wear a suit made of garbage bags, yells out in her raspy annoyingness for Michele to stop kicking. Oh bitch, shut up already! Ronnie then chimes in and becomes cheerleader extraordinaire. "Come on Chima! You can do it Chima! You're awesome Chima! Keep it up Chima!" Scared much, Ronnie? He is SO terrified this week it's not even funny. He clearly thinks Chima is on his side and his cheerleading was so over that top that you know everyone in the that house knew what he was doing... kissing ass.

The final four of Chima, Michele, Jeff, and Russell lasted for quite a long time. Michele kept moaning everytime she hit the diploma. I think we all know what that means. Her eyes were rolling back into her head, her legs were gripping that rope even tighter, and Michele was having a special private little joyous moment. You go girl. Whatever gets you through the day.

Very shortly after that, the yellow and nauseatingly sad Michele dropped. She did not look good at all. A woman can only take so many rope induced orgasms before plummeting to her demise.

This brings us to our Final 2 and to my first big "way out there" prediction of the game. It's down to Jeff and Russell. Live Feeders are screaming, as if Jeff can even hear their menopausal rants, for Jeff to hold on for dear life. I, on the other hand, know that Jeff has nothing to fear at all. Mark my words. Russell is going after Jessie this week. It's Week 4 and we all know what that means. It's the last eviction before the Jury House. It's the anniversary of Jessie's BB10 farewell. It's the week that he's been dreading ever since he walked back into that house. Don't think that Russell isn't very well aware of all this and don't think that he hasn't waited for this week to come. Russell wants Jessie out of the house this week.

It's the Final 2 and they're ready to start making some deals. Russell asks everyone to leave because he wants to talk to Jeff in private. Natalie bitches, "But I came out to give you support. Fine. Whatever." Oh just die already you wretched little beast. So everyone is inside and Russell and Jeff are having a man to man on the swings. Russell tells Jeff that he was the single vote for Casey. He gave Casey his word and he stuck to it. He doesn't want anyone else in the house to know - just Jeff (and maybe Jordan). He says Casey left him one of his shirts and he'll show it to Jeff after the game. Jeff is surprised, but not quite ready to drop yet. He doesn't feel 100% safe.

Jeff keeps saying, "Let's do rock, paper, scissors man." but Russell said he'd be mad if he lost doing Roshambo. Jeff agrees and says he'd be pissed too. Russell then tells Jeff that he doesn't really care about the HOH room. He just really wants a letter from his "pops" who just had neck surgery. Russell is extremely close to his father and he wants to know how he's doing. The boys don't quite come to an agreement and they endure another round of water and smashing into the diploma.

During the next lull in the competition, they talk again. Russell swears on his father's life that he will not put up Jeff or Jordan. That's good enough for Jeff and down he goes. We have ourselves a new HOH people. Russell be thy name. The competition ended up lasting just over 3 1/2 hours. Russ has an impossible time getting off the swings as his shorts are all tangled up and he can't really move his legs. Jessie, in full ass kissing mode, offers to carry Russell back into the house. Witness the final drama for yourselves:

Remember how the first 5 people who dropped got to pick a surprise envelope? Well, we already know Kevin won the $5K, but Jordan picked herself up a nifty little prize too. Jordan has the sole power to decide which three HG's will be the Have-Not's. In true Jordan fashion, she completely fumbles and somehow accidentally makes her way to a decision. She decided to put all the names in a hat and simply pick three. She picked Natalie, Kevin, and Jeff. Jeff? Whoopsy Daisy. How did Jeff's name get in there? Restart. She picks another name. This time is Jessie. Oh hell no. Jessie demands that he and Lydia do rock/paper/scissors to decide who goes on slop. Such a gentleman. Is a hand job worth nothing these days?

Lydia refuses to do rock/paper/scissors so they decided to guess whichever number Jordan is thinking of. Lydia says 13. Jessie says 12. Jordan was thinking 15 (probably not) and The Fall Of The Manbeast has been initiated. Jessie is PISSED. He immediately throws a tantrum. Lydia says, "If you're going to be a big baby about it, I'll take it." I started screaming, "No Lydia! Don't give him what he wants!" Well, she must have heard me (because I'm magical) and now Jessie remains on slop. Oh how delicious. Those of you not in the know will be dazzled this week by the various amounts of tantrums Jessie will throw. Jessie does not do well at all on slop. He loses 80 pounds and all his muscles disappear. It's a moment in time that truly brings a tear to my eye. Mini violins around the world all join together to weep out their tragic tunes.

Jessie sulks off to the Spa Room with Natalie hot on his heels. She declares that she's not taking a shower all week because she refuses to take a cold shower. Oh that's just way too easy. Enter your own "Natalie doesn't shower anyways" joke and have a blast. Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee and are in full bitch mode. Jessie is going on and on about how it's so unfair that he can't compete to win in the Have/Have-Nots. Big Brother is a fucking fucker who can't break down the HOH competition fast enough to set up a Have/Have-Not competition. He says, "I can't believe I'm on slop. Now I have to suffer. If I got out this week, I'm going to strangle one of the three that did it." Jessie shouldn't have to suffer because of Big Brother's incompetence. How dare they! I mean, he's the great and wonderful Jessie and whatever Jessie wants, Jessie should get.

Natalie, not to be out-bitched, starts complaining about having to sleep next to Kevin, a GAY man. She doesn't want to jeopardize her relationship and disappoint her father. Is this bitch for real? Honey, your relationship was jeopardized the first time you licked Jessie's taint. That finger you have constantly up his ass? That's pissing off your father NOT sleeping next to a gay man. You know what? Natalie and Jessie are PERFECT for each other. It's really a match made in heaven. They can sit for hours wallowing in their disappointment of how the world doesn't treat them right and live happily ever after. They'll have sad bitter little ungrateful children and their misery will live on for generations to come. I said this before and I'll say this again. This week is the beginning of the end for Jessie. It's going to be his worst week imaginable in Big Brother. I, for one, can't wait.

After what seemed liked forever, Russell finally got his HOH room. It was filled with sweets, pajamas, blankets, pillows, and, quite possibly, the coolest letter ever. His whole family sent him little notes and his sister mentioned how all of her single girlfriends are glued to the TV watching Russ. This made everyone laugh and Jessie die a little inside. Please to enjoy...

So that's where we are folks. Natalie and Jessie are in their own private hell. Russell definitely has something up his sleeve. He may nominate Ronnie and Lydia and then backdoor Jessie. I have no doubt that Jeff will win that Coup D'Etat and it may not even get used if Russell does what I think he'll do. There is one thing I know for absolutely sure: It's going to be a long ass weekend of Jessie incessantly complaining. Get ready for some fun boys and girls because you haven't lived until you've encountered Jessie on slop!

To see more clips from the Endurance Competition, please visit Shea's page over at Clipser: http://www.clipser.com/user_allvideos.php?mtab=&sr=all&p=1&t=4&uid=50092&ln=0

A Game Of Kings And Queefs

Once in a while a day comes along that changes EVERYTHING in the game. Yesterday, my lovely readers, was one of those days. No dilly dallying, lots to discuss.

We start our day with Chima and Jessie lying in the HOH. They're talking about how Lydia and Kevin could vote to keep in Casey. Jessie notes that Lydia "has no enemies. She's sitting pretty." First off, he totally stole my line. Secondly, he's almost correct. Sure, Lydia has no real enemies, but she's extremely vulnerable. Her position is definitely not one of power. More on that later.

So yesterday was Chima's birthday and I could really give a rat's ass to be honest with you. Big Brother gave the HG's decorations and cake so they could surprise Chima with a little party. Ronnie's mission was to keep Chima occupied in the HOH while the other HG's put streamers everywhere and got into the party spirit. Ronnie and Chima's conversation quickly turned to game and all things unsavory. Chima instantly begins dogging Casey for pretending to be black. She calls him an "ignorant buffoon" and says things about him being a role model for his students. Ronnie, a teacher himself, begins to say that Casey should lose his job for the way he's acted in the house. This instantly rubbed chatters the wrong way. Casey has a family and Ronnie hasn't exactly been the epitome of a moral compass either in the house. I think that when you're in the house, all bets are off. Be as wretched as you want as long as you don't bring race, personal backstories, and anything physically harmful into the game. Braden's Beaner Fight is a perfect example of something that does NOT belong in the house. Ronnie lying to everyone, on the other hand, is fine. If that is how he wants to play his game, I don't care just leave Casey's personal life out of it.

The BB house is decorated with streamers and it's all very festive. Big Brother has even given the Brains permission to eat party food for exactly one hour. The HG's are excited that Chima will get to eat cake. They're insistent she'll be thrilled. Not so fast buttercups. This is Chima we're talking about here.

Natalie goes to get Chima and Ronnie in the HOH, but Chima declares she has to poop. It's like pulling teeth trying to get her down the stairs. She sees the streamers and says, "What is this?" Uhhh, what do you think it is bitch? She takes a look around sees the cupcakes and instantly gets pissed. How DARE you throw her a birthday party when she's not cute, when's she's not told in advanced, when she's been sleeping all day, when she has to poop, when she hasn't given you the royal decree that a birthday party is ok in the first place! Oh. My. God. I wanted to slap her so hard. What an ungrateful cunt! Way to be a buzzkill Chima. Never has a surprise party gotten so ugly so fast. After that it was just depressing and sad. Chima read a letter from her grandmother, but you know deep inside she was thinking, "I can't believe they didn't let me fix my hair." Bitch.

This brings us to the best and most perceptive moment in this game so far. Anyone anywhere still saying that Kevin isn't playing this game is completely, without a shadow of doubt, 100% wrong. Lydia and Kevin are sitting outside on the couches and they begin to discuss their positions in the game. They feel like Jessie can turn on them at any moment and begin to discuss aligning with Jeff and Jordan. Kevin, smart as a whip, has it all figured out. He says that Big Brother is a human chess game and right now Natalie is the Queen and Jessie is the King. That's exactly how I feel! When friends of mine comment on my obsession with the game, I always say BB is a human chess game filled with complicated strategy and moves. That's why I watch. That's why for 10 weeks out of the year I become obsessed with it. It's all about completing complicated maneuvers and how one goes about achieving those goals.

In chess, each chess piece has it's own style of moving. Some pieces are more limited than others only able to move in a restricted fashion. The King and Queen have the most options available moving wherever they like and manipulating the rest of the pieces to their advantage. Kevin has realized that he and Lydia are very restricted at this moment in time. Lydia has the power of a Bishop or Rook while Kevin is more like a pawn. He's fine with that because a pawn in nonthreatening and no one goes out of their way to destroy a pawn.

The Athletes have basically cornered Lydia and Kevin. If Ronnie was to win HOH, he won't nominate an Athlete and he can't nominate anyone on his own team. Who does that leave? Right! Kevin and/or Lydia. Saving Ronnie this week makes them extremely vulnerable next week. Lydia wants to make a move to get Chima on her side. Kevin thinks it's futile. Chima is already too close to the Athletes. Lydia wants a fight to happen amongst the Athletes. It's all a numbers game and the Athletes numbers need to be broken up as soon as possible.

Kevin wants to create alliances with people who will look after him. Right now the people he's aligned with would stab him in the back the first chance they got. Kevin insists the Athletes are playing 3 moves ahead in this human chess game. Lydia and Kevin are playing only one move ahead. Chess strategy consists of setting and achieving long term goals while staying steady and focussed on the immediate game in front of you. Balancing the long term with the immediate is the key to success in Chess. It's also the key to success in Big Brother.

They come to the conclusion that they need Jeff and Jordan. Kevin thinks he can also get Michele onboard. He warns Lydia that Jessie will turn on her at any moment and put her on the block. He thinks it's fucked up and, unless the cliques change, Kevin and Lydia are in serious trouble. They also want to play on Russell's paranoia and try to turn him against Jessie. Jessie and Ronnie play like computers. They only have their eye on the prize. Lydia, Chima, Kevin have been playing emotionally. It's turned them into pawns and therefore easily expendable. It's a facinating conversation that cannot be missed. Thanks to Bloodydove and BB11_Unleashed for the tip and thanks to Shea at Clipser for the clip.






What happens next sets the ball rolling for the rest of the day. Lydia tells Jordan that Jessie is thinking of putting up Casey rather than Ronnie. In true Jordan fashion, she immediately runs and tells Jeffy Pooh. After a sadly pathetic Margarita Party, complete with sombreros and pinatas, Jeff tells Casey of the Athletes new plan. Casey is honestly stunned. I was honestly stunned. I thought Casey had an inkling that this could happen. He's been in such a wretched mood ever since Thursday... long before he got that banana suit. Was it really his lack of cigarettes that put him in such a funk? I really thought he knew something was up. Turns out, he didn't have the foggiest. Casey immediately goes up to the HOH to have a talk to Jessie.



This whole time Russell, Jordan and Lydia have been in the HOH delighting Showtime viewers with a very candid sex talk. It always gets back to sex, doesn't it? The discussion centers around favorite sexual positions and brings me to the quote of the night. Lydia says she likes doggie style and Jordan replies, "I don't like doggie style. Doesn't it make you queef a lot?". LOL Russell, in a fit of hysterics, falls over trying to contain his laughter. He then declares that he prefers Reverse Cowgirl. Now you know Jordan has no idea whatsoever what the hell that means so Lydia and Russell demonstrate it for her. Russell also likes to lift a girl up with her legs over his forearms. Be careful there Russelll. You keep talking like that and I might start seeing rainbows fly out your butt everytime you leave a room.



Casey finally gets his meeting with Jessie and, I'm sorry, but it's all just so ridiculous trying to have a man to man with a guy who looks like this:

The Banana Man has lost his a-peel so to speak. Jessie informs him that the "right man is going home" and that he heard Casey making a stink over the Athletes winning everything. Casey doesn't understand why in the world he would go on the block. He thought they still had their week 1 alliance. He actually believed that Algonquin Round Table bullshit that took place the other night. He insists he never meant to stir up any "anti-Athlete momentum". Michelle Talbott was hysterical on Twitter last night. She tweeted, "Don't fall for it Jessie!" LOL

Manbeast Jessie is cock sure and annoying revelling in the power he has over everyone. He sits and listens with a stupid look on his stupid face with his stupid fake chin in one of his stupid muscle shirts... ugh! He's infuriating. I'm not even mad at him for wanting Casey out per se. His attitude though has finally pushed me over the edge. I gave him a second chance this season. I thought he was playing smarter and even gave him credit for it, but his FACE just drives me crazy. I hate that smug bullshit on anyone - especially Jessie. Jessie, my dear, I am done with you. Prepare for my wrath over the next few days. All I have to say Jessie is you're lucky I have a lot of game to cover today.

Casey goes on to throw Lydia under the bus saying she hates Natalie. Pretty lame attempt there Casey. Jessie knows the 2 are fighting over his wedding tackle. He eats that shit up with a spoon. In the end, the Banana Man splits (did you see what I did there? ) and goes outside to violently smoke cigarette after endless cigarette. He keeps saying over and over again, "I'm a grown man. I'm not a kid." No Casey, you're a giant yellow banana who trusted the wrong bunch. Buck up cowboy, don't be so blue, banana. It's only a game.

Jessie, high on power and protein, turns his gloating towards Michele. He belittles her for wanting Ronnie out and, in general, acts like a condescending ass. Michele came across weak, easily manipulated and incredibly untrustworthy. Guarantee she's next on their radar. She should have just told Jessie what he wanted to hear and gone about her day. Spending too much with Jessie in any capacity only leads to your demise. It sucks that he's in the power position he's in, but players need to recognize it and act appropriately. We all know what happened to Laura. It might just happen to Michele next.

Possibly boosted by adrenalin and beef jerky, Jessie goes after his next victim. Lydia is in his bed waiting for him to finish stuffing his face when Jessie decides to have a little fun. He semi seriously suggests that Lydia could go on the block. It's Lydia's nightmare come true. I don't mind Lydia when she's not on the block, but you utter the word "nomimation" in her presence and she completely falls apart and morphs into some psychotic emotional bag of unwellness. She completely loses the plot. Sure, Jessie was totally fucking with her by abusing his power, but her reaction was a little over the top. She hid under a blanket and began to cry a little which made Jessie laugh and grow an even bigger ego.

The conversation ended with Jessie assuring Lydia that she wouldn't go up on the block. He began to get a little tender and I was primed for a total hook up until... Until the cock block to end all cock blocks was initiated. That little brat Natalie comes charging in precisely at the point when a little loving was about to go down. This girl is unparalleled in the art of cock blocking. She must have an inner sonar radar not unlike something a dolphin would have. Any hint of any sexy time anywhere sends off a tiny impulse to her brain. The impulse directs her to the exact positioning of said sexy time and BAM! Cock block intiated and successful.

I really hope that Jessie goes on the block next week. Viewers and players alike would respect the divine providence that would be Jessie going home again in Week 4. Can you imagine if Lydia was actually the one to put him on the block? Would all of you Lydia haters finally come around and show her a little respect? I think I'd fashion a monument in her honor made out of beef jerky and protein bars. My monument would be a fountain, a baby Jessie, that spewed Muscle Milk from it's tiny pee pee. The possibilty brings tears to my eyes. I end this (neverending) post hopeful and steadfast...

BUT first, one more thing, do you guys remember my story about Jordan dreaming of going to Hollywood and all the ridiculous things she was going to do when she got there? BB11_Unleashed informed me that yesterday Jordan had a conversation where she talked about wanting to go see where Pretty Woman was filmed. HA! That was in my story! Is Jordan reading my blog or am I just the smartest person on the planet? I think it's the latter...

And We Have Fornication...

Image via bigbrotherleak


Yesterday day in the BB house was pretty much yawn worthy, but yesterday night... va va va voom! Bare asses, gay cuddling, finger licking, genital to genital contact. In other words, it was a night BB viewers sit and wait for.





Let's get through all the boring stuff quickly because I know all you perverts really want is the filthy dirty gossip.





They had the Have/Have-Not competition and the Brains lost. Apparently, it was up to Natalie to make the final decision and she claims she chose the Brains because Ronnie is on that team. Chima seemed ok until she'll realized that her birthday is coming up. She's going to bitch to high heaven to be able to eat and drink on her birthday. She also wants extra pillows like the populars got. I really hope BB doesn't give in to her demands because I really hate her. Oh and you, the idiotic viewing public, voted to give the HG's cabbage and wieners. WTF? Why didn't you people vote for the seaweed or the pickled eggs? Cabbage and weiners isn't a punishment!





The new plan in the house is to backdoor Casey and, as a result, Jessie has nominated Michele and Jordan. Oh how the Jeff and Jordan groupies wept! Leprechauns stopped delivering their pots of gold, puppies no longer looked cute, fairies around the world dropped dead, and glitter refused to sparkle. Mass suicides were planned in the BB chats for the fateful day when one of the dynamic duo, Jeff or Jordan, finally leaves the house. Jordan ate away her feelings and stared for hours at clocks. Jeff lied around lazily in a too tight t-shirt driving the menopausal women in the chats into a spontaneous hot flash. Vomit.





I like Jeff and Jordan. I do. I just HATE them in this game. They are the worst BB players I've seen in a long time. If all they wanted to do was lay around making puppy eyes at each other then they should have signed up for The Real World over at MTV. All the alcohol over at MTV might cause Jeff to grow some balls and seal the deal. Here in the BB house he can't even get up the nerve to kiss the poor girl. She'll kiss you back Jeff. I promise.





While Jeff and Jordan refused to do anything remotely interesting, Lydia and Kevin were in another part of the house talking dirty. Alright! Now we're getting somewhere. Lydia tells Kevin that she's given Jessie several hand jobs, but she's NEVER kissed him on the mouth. She's never had sex with him and she's never licked his winky. (Lala does her "I told you so" dance) Kevin eats it all up. Like a typical gay, he loves his gossip and keeps pressing Lydia for more details. She never comments on Little Jessie, but says that he has HUGE balls. LMAO She says the best hand job she gave him was in Natalie's bed in Natalie's clothes. That is so great. I love that. Lydia declares, "I'm all about using sex as a weapon." And with that statement, Lydia is officially back into my good graces. Sex doesn't make you a victim ladies, it gives you power... if you know how to use it right.





Another note about Kevin... I haven't commented too much on him because he's laid low (and smartly so) for the majority of the time. Yesterday I noticed he was talking and strategizing with the Jessie clan and then minutes later he was privy to a strategy conversation from Casey. Like a ton of bricks, it hit me. Kevin has situated himself PERFECTLY in this game. Both sides trust him enough to confide in him. He really has no enemies and no one is really scared of him. That's not easy to do in this game. Most people usually have at least one person who's out to get them. Kevin is sitting pretty for the time being. He contributes to strategy yet manages to to stay out of the line of fire. Not a bad way to play an early BB game. Eventually, he'll have to make some concrete choices, but for now he's definitely free and clear for a secure seat in the jury house.





Casey has no idea that he's the target this week. Sometimes I think he knows something is amiss, but I swear that ever since he shaved his face his personality went down the drain along with his stubble. He's quiet, somber, unfunny, and pretty damn boring. The Casey in the house yesterday isn't the Casey we know and love. I think he's having a really hard time dealing with the fact that Ronnie is back to matriculating in BB society. Casey would rather that Ronnie be locked away in a tiny room of his own to never again see daylight or nourishment. Just knowing Ronnie shares a word with anyone makes Casey uneasy. I genuinely think Casey is scared of Ronnie. He's scared that Ronnie will get back into everyone's head again. My only question is, why doesn't Casey do something about it then? He's trusting the house and their ridiculous Algonquin Round Table plan way too much. Wake up Casey!





That pretty much brings us to After Dark. Showtime viewers were delighted with a game of Truth or Dare. At first all the players (Chima, Russell, Natalie, Michele, Ronnie, Kevin) kept picking Truth and that got real boring real fast. Little Scrappy Doo (Natalie) upped the ante when she accepted a Dare to moon Lydia when she came out of the DR. It was hysterical. Natalie didn't want to show her face at the same time as her ass so she hid the top of her body under a blanket and let her ass hang out the back. Everyone waited in anticipation for Lydia to come out and when she did, Natalie dropped trou and let it all hang out. Lydia walked away unimpressed, but the Truth or Dare crew (and me) were doubled over laughing so hard. Lydia later came out proclaiming she saw Nat's "vag" in that full moon. LOL





Ronnie had to hug Casey for 10 seconds and it was just really really awkward. Casey was grumpy and called them all immature. Then someone dared Kevin to cuddle with Jessie while he was sleeping. They all sneak into the HOH where Jessie is passed out with headphones on. Kevin creeps around the bed and is trying really hard not to laugh while he figures out where to place his hands. Natalie finally has to come in, grab Kevin's hand, and wrap it around Jessie's massive chest. Jessie begins to stir as Natalie proclaims she was trying to stop Kevin from cuddling with him. Again, the house and myself were in hysterics, but Jessie was having none of it. He got really pissed and kicked them out. Party pooper.





Russell had to lick whipped cream off the back of Chima's neck which was kind of hot in a weird way. Russell was into it and gave it his all while Chima sat and giggled maniacally. Chima REALLY wants Russ, but later she said she wouldn't break her 2 year celibacy with someone in the BB house. Then Chima licked honey off of Russell's finger and that was just gross and yucky and made me feel dirty all over. Nothing about Chima is remotely sexy. Russell, on the other hand, is beginning to turn a few heads in the chats. There is a tiny lady contigent that finds him incredibly sexy. I can see how the angry bad boy thing could be a turn on. He's unpredictable and looks like he could flip you around any which way. I kind of get the attraction I guess. His face does nothing for me at all though.

Here's a little clip of the game:



More Truth or Dare clips coming shortly...

UPDATE: Chima licking Russell's finger...







And that brings us to where the magic happens. Lydia and Jessie are in the HOH in another Sex Fort. There is zero movement or noise for the longest time. Then we begin to hear Jessie moan. I know, ewwwwwwww, but moan he does. He asks Lydia if her hand is getting tired. He then says, "Oh right there... yeah..." We then hear some mouth to mouth kissing and Jessie moan some more, "Oh... ohhhh... ahhh" (I'm trying so hard not to laugh as I'm listening and typing this verbatim) We get a lot more, "ah ah yeahhh oh ahh" After what seems like forever Jessie gets up to retrieve a condom and, yes folks, you hear the snap of it being put on.

They switch positions and then you hear a loud moan out of Lydia. She keeps moaning and we hear her say "Fuck me". They kiss a lot and she whispers, "I'm getting wet". I couldn't tell what the hell kind of position they were in, but Simon over at onlinebigbrother.com claims Lydia was on top. Simon never misses a thing so we'll go with that. There are some more small movements and then nothing. Is that it? Jessie! Come on man! Lydia then says she's fine and then that's it. That's the whole sadly short encounter. After it's all done Lydia immediately talks game - which is really weird to me, but whatever.

The clips are coming very shortly. My clip man was sleeping on the job and I had to smack him around a little. He's down in his BB factory as we speak uploading the goodies.

UPDATE!!! A clip has arrived! Sorry for the delay...



HUGE thank you to Shea and Alexis for the clips. They have the best big brother vids over at Clipser so be sure to check them out. Thanks ladies!



Today is the POV competition and we'll see if the big plan to backdoor Casey will come to fruition. If Casey ends up playing and winning, then who knows what will happen? Is Michele on her way out or will Jordan be the ultimate sacrifice?

I'll tweet when the clips are ready.