Saturday, July 10, 2010

I Just Took A Big Beige Poo

The day started with a whimper... a whine if you will. Brendon, our nominee and Badda-bing's first target, isn't a happy camper. In fact, he's down right angry. That Helmet Headead Hayden put him on the block and after many hours of reflection, Brendon has decided that Helmet Head is simply jealous of Brendon's good looks. You see, Brendon fancies himself to be somewhat of a Jeff 2.0. He walks around with his shirt off a lot, he shouts moronic juvenile phrases, and his hair is brown. As far as Brendon is concerned, he might as well be Jeff's twin brother. I only wish I could smuggle a note to Brendon telling him that Jeff was a tool with the brain of a Today Sponge. Since I can't set Brendon straight myself, I guess I'll just have to make fun of him and one by one point out his every weakness. *sigh* It's a tough job, but someone's gotta do it.

OK so Brendon is all, "Why me? Hayden's so jealous that I'm super handsome. He's just young, dumb, and full of cum." Yes, Brendon actually said "young, dumb, and full of cum.". Right after I tattooed that phrase on my ass I came back to find Brendon still bitching about Helmet Head. He bitched to Annie. He bitched to Rachel. He bitched to the dying fish in the fish tank. He told everyone with ears (or gills) that Hayden wants Brendon gone because Brendon is such a hot piece of ass that all the girlies will want to hook up with. Annie nodded and listened to what Brendon had to say. On the inside, I'm sure she was thinking, "Is this guy for real?". It's not everyday you see a big strapping dude get catty over "who's cuter". Annie pretty much just levels with Brendon telling him he has no choice but to win POV or else he's going home. I think Brendon already knew that. I think what he really wanted was reassurance that he's hotter than Hayden. After some more fist clenching and foot stomping by Brendon, Ragan enters the room and says, with a deadly serious face, "I just took a big beige poo." And there you have it, welcome to Day 6 in the Big Brother house Bitches!

Jewy JewBoy, Rachel, and Brendon are hanging out talking about the impending POV. Jewy is telling them how Enzo keeps instructing Jewy to keep the nominations the same if he wins. Brendon turns away from the full length mirror he's gazing into and says, "Did you know that Hayden is intimidated by me? He's 24. He thinks with his dick. He's young, dumb, and full of cum." *sigh* It was funny the first time you said you rah-tard! Now it's just annoying. Rachel chimes in, "Speaking of cum, you really need to stop saying sexual things to the ladies Andrew." Andrew's head spins around like Ass Licker... errrr I mean the Exorcist chick... almost losing his yarmulke in the process. His face turns beet red and he asks Rachel to elaborate. Rachel tells him how Kathy thinks he's perverted and how his pap smears aren't exactly well received, yadda yadda yadda. You would have thought someone had just put a slice of cheese on a piece of pork or something. Jewy was speechless. He can't believe the women don't like him. With healthcare what it is these days, he thought he was just helping the ladies out by offering free pap smears. After an awkward stunned silence Jewy says, "Thank you. I can't believe the girls hate me. Wow."

This brings me to Annie. I've had a lot of people ask me how I feel about her now that she's playing all sides and playing a little too hard. Actually, I'm still ok with her. She's making as many alliances as she can which always gets out to the rest of the house, but after some seconds of thought, I've decided that once I see her in a position of power, I'll decide whether or not I hate her. She's a bit of an outsider right now and after watching the various sides of the house all day yesterday, I kind of can't blame her. She'll never fit into Badda-bing (Enzo, Matt, Hayden, Lane), Brendon and Rachel are busy being lovers, and Britney, Kathy, and Monet are simply repulsive and childish. That pretty much just leaves Jewy and Kristen. Jewy has his own issues to contend with and Kristen... well, I think Kristen shapeshifts into a butterfly or a plastic cup during the day because, seriously, that bitch is NEVER around. When you look at all the options, Annie skimming the surface really isn't all that bad.

The one thing I do like about Annie is her obvious dislike of Monet. Monet has been fairly quiet and not very Chima-like (like everyone expected) so far. I've even seen some tweets where people actually like her. But then, I began to notice the things coming out of her mouth. Her and Britney would lie next to each other for HOURS and point and stare and nitpick everything that's wrong with Rachel, Annie, and Kristen... especially Rachel. Now, Rachel's on the block and I never understood why. I thought maybe people thought she was phony, but after further study, Rachel is actually pretty genuine. Sure, she has a goofy laugh and she says some boneheaded things, but I don't think she has a mean bone in her body. She's blissfully ignorant to all the game play going on and I truly think she's just there to hang out in the BB house until someone tells her to go home. She's not plotting evil schemes, she doesn't make fun of people... she's innocent. I know "innocence" doesn't fit her appearance, but it's true. In Rachel's world, charity is fun, helping people is compulsory, and laughing a lot is second nature. It's her attitude coupled with her big breasts that's throwing people off I think. It's like seeing the Montauk Monster for the first time. You're not sure whether you should be scared or think it's cute so you either make fun of it or think it's precious.

OK so this brings us to the big POV. Brendon needs to win this to save his ass and wouldn't you know it? Brendon wins it and saves his ass. Better yet, I think the competition was the "technotronics" word spelling one. Way to be original BB! You just know Brendon skipped up to his room to write in his journal... Dear Diary, I'm one step closer to being just like Jeff. Actually, I'm gonna be better than Jeff. I won the competition he lost last year. He's gonna be sooooo jealous of me. Kisses. Talk to you later! Love, Brendon... So yeah Brendon won POV and ain't that a bitch?

Yes, it is a bitch. It's a big pile of steaming bitchiness. And if you ask Enzo, it's pretty much the end of the world too. Our Italian Stallion had it all planned out. Brendon would go home, Andrew would leave the next week, he'd win HOH after that, on day 23 he'll win a prize, day 60 they'll have a party, and on day 2000 he'll win the 500K. Enzo has this thing all planned out minute by minute. Brendon winning makes Enzo have to go back to drawing board and start all over again. Some words on Enzo: he's hysterical, he has a divine gift for turning a phrase, I think he snuck meth into the house, he should always keep his hat on, and once he gets fixated on something he doesn't shut up about it. Somehow Enzo has now gotten it into his hair plugged head that Annie is not only the reason Brendon won, but she's also the strongest player in the world, she's smarter than everyone else, and I think she invented air too, but I can't be sure. Whatever is of monumental importance in the world, it's all Annie's fault.... according to Enzo.

This begins the Enzo V. Annie portion of the day. Actually, "portion" is too limiting. Let's just call the whole day Enzo V. Annie. OK so POV is over and Enzo is throwing a fit. He doesn't know where to turn or what to do. If there's one thing Enzo hates, it's losing. Although, I'm pretty sure everyone else on the planet hates losing too, but that's neither here nor there. Enzo is questioning everyone, running from room to room, he's breaking a sweat, his hair plugs are beginning to squeak, and then he approaches Annie. "Annie", he says, "So uh who you uh gunna put up for nomineration if you uh win head of household?" Annie replies, "Andrew". Enzo takes his new information runs back to Badda-bing and announces, "That Annie is the saba-tore. I just know it!".

(The Salvatores)

OK I need to pause here because I feel it's my duty to address how people in the house are pronouncing "saboteur". Enzo, Badda-bing, and Britney pronounce it like "Saba-Tore", but they say it really fast like they're saying "Salvatore" but with a 'B' in the middle. I'll be sitting here watching and someone will say, "I think she's the sabatore". Naturally, I react like any CW fan would. I look around the room and wonder if it's Damon or Stefan who's infiltrated the house. Seriously, I'm beginning to thing bloodsucking is the second twist. It's unnerving.

Since Enzo has now strangely identified Annie as a Salvatore, he's running around the house trying to convince everyone that Annie should go on the block in Brendon's place. The HOH, Helmet Head, is upstairs taking a shower and painstakingly matting down his hair so he has no bloody idea what Enzo is up to. Enzo approaches Britney and her vile minions with his plan. Britney shakes her head and advises everyone not to play stupid. They have to get rid of Rachel because she's in an alliance with Brendon. Breaking up that alliance should be number 1 on the list. Britney has a point... sure, it's a moronic point, but it's a point nonetheless. Rachel is a threat to no one. Let's get real. It would be very easy to blindside her and take her out somewhere around week 4. I don't advise they let her stay in too long or else we'll be stuck with an undeserving winner like we got last year, but she's not on a "need to go" list right now. Britney just doesn't like her for superficial reasons. For chrissake she spent half the day making fun of everything from Rachel's hair, to her voice, to her nail beds.

Speaking of superficial, let's chat a bit about Kathy. I really can't stand this woman. First off, she's always supine. I don't think I've ever seen her stand or walk since this game started. Secondly, she's the ringleader in all the petty bitchiness going on. It's Kathy who gets the younger gals (Britney, Monet) going when it comes to making fun of Rachel and Annie. She's like a crone, lying on her back, stirring her pot, and blowing potions in people's faces. And that voice... my god, that voice. It's killing me. Seriously, I can't stand it. Ok so get this.... Enzo, Kathy, and Monet are lying on some bed talking about Annie. Enzo thinks everything out of Annie's mouth is a lie including the fact that she's been in a relationship for 2 years. He thinks there's no way she could have a boyfriend because she hangs out with Lane a lot. Well, geniuses, she doesn't have a boyfriend. She has a girlfriend and she said beforehand that she'll flirt with whoever she has to to get information. Anyhow, Enzo is calling her a liar and Kathy spits out "Maybe she's gay. Just kidding!". They all look around at each other and then burst into giggles because in their puny minds a girl who doesn't play softball and wears make-up can in no way, shape, or form be gay. As far as I know Annie has been pretty honest about her relationship. I just think she hasn't attached a pronoun to her significant other as yet. I could be wrong. Someone in the chats claims she heard Annie refer to a "he". Can anyone else verify this?

Enzo continues on his anti-Annie tirade. He's flitting back and forth from room to room telling everyone how Annie talks to too many people and pops up at the most inopportune times. Keep in mind, Enzo is the one frantically approaching every HG and Annie, for most of the afternoon, was completely MIA. As that skanky bitch Creme Tangerine said, "Enzo's doing exactly what he's accusing Annie of." Yes, Creme Tangerine, you are right. Still, don't get me wrong, I like Enzo. I like him a lot. I just happen to think he has a bag of crystal meth hiding in his no-no. No way he's that wired without a little sniff sniff.

Finally, Helmet Head has finished with his shower and finally Enzo can get a little face time and start making his pitch. Enzo outlines how Annie likes to walk around a lot, talk to people, breathe, and sometimes laugh. Clearly, she's the Sabatore. She rested her right elbow on the counter which must be secret sign to Big Brother. Also, she may have peed in the toilet at some point which is pretty much a billboard for Sabatore-ness. Hayden nods and listens and thinks Enzo is making some good points. Hayden's only problem is he's shaking in his booties over what's gonna happen next week. If he puts Annie on the block and she stays in the house, she'll undoubtedly turn into her evil flesh eating monster form and kill everyone she lays eyes on. That scares big whole scaredy cat Hayden. Maybe they could up Kathy instead... as a pawn.

Enzo does a little sniffy sniffy in the WC and heads back out for Annihalate Annie Part Two. I could literally write for days on all the insane conclusions Enzo jumps to, but this is getting too long and I've got shit to do so I'll sum it up. Enzo talks to the Petty Bitches some more about Annie. The idea of Kathy being a pawn doens't sit so well with them. They decide that if Annie goes on the block, they'll vote her out. They guess they can live with Rachel for one more week. Enzo runs to Hayden tells him Annie is a goner, Hayden agrees, and they all plan to keep it a SECRET from Brendon and Rachel until right before the POV ceremony.

Cut to a few hours later... Hayden is telling Rachel she's safe. He's vague on who he's nominating. Rachel thanks him and vows not to nominate him and offers to help him out in future weeks if he needs it.

Cut to a few more hours later.... Hayden begins to rethink his plan because he's petrified of Brendon coming after him. If Rachel stays, Brendon will be super scary and Hayden could be in trouble. *rolls eyes* Now, Hayden wants Annie to stay and Rachel to go. *smacks forehead really hard*

Cut to even later... Hayden and Annie talk and Hayden hints that Annie is up shit's creek. Annie doesn't understand why everyone suspects her of being up to something. She claims she's just trying to get to know everyone. Hayden, with tinkle running down his leg, admits to being scared about what'll happen to him next week. He advises Annie to work fast to change people's minds.

The night ends with Annie having a complete mental breakdown in the bathroom. I didn't witness it, but I was reading some tweets last night and was dismayed to find people calling Annie the new Amber. Give me a fucking break. Amber cried just to cry. Amber was mentally unstable. The girl actually thought she could be a model. Enough said. Like I said earlier, Annie was GONE most of the day. I don't know where she was or what she was doing, but she wasn't around for hours while Enzo was doing all his scheming. All this shit went down behind her back so, no, I don't blame her for crying after finding out that evil cunts were plotting against her all day long. She thought she was making friends and getting to know everyone. Turns out the cuntwads were taking everything she's ever said and twisting it around. That deserves a tear or two.

So, as of right now I'm still on Team Annie. I'd like her to stay in the house. My preference would be for Kathy to leave so Rachel can stay too. I'm still ok with Badda-bing, but I really loathe Britney and Monet. As for Kristen... I figure she's like a comet. I'll see her again in about 8000 years.

Big super special shout out to Pip&SqueaksMom from BCC! Thanks bitch! I see you.

I'm still working out my sleeping schedule so bear with me until I nail down a sense of normalcy. These assholes are staying up much later than I had anticipated. I will adjust appropriately.

So, how do you guys feel about Annie? Do you think she's the Saboteur? Are you still liking Enzo? Would you like Britney and Monet to criticize each other to death? What about Hayden? He's a total pussy, right? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


  1. Did I say that? I can't remember. I was pretty drunk at the time...

    The first night the feeds were on, I heard them all standing around talking about Sabatore, and I thought they were trying to figure out how to pronounce Enzo's last name. But that wasn't as bad as the way Julie said it. Sabaterr. That bugged me.

    You're right about Rachel. She doesn't bother me as much as I thought she would. And Britney has been such a disappointment so far. I hope she stops talking shit about other people's boob jobs....hers didn't exactly look symmetrical last night by the hot tub. I swear one's bigger than the other.

  2. I believe either Monet, Matt or Kathy is the Saboteur. They were the only people not in the living room when the lights went out. When the infrared camera came on, there were different people seated in different places, probably to confuse the viewer.

  3. Well done.I don't really like this totally lame, flavorless group.zzzzz . I do believe (Lord knows you will rip me a new one) that Monet or Kathy is the saboteur

  4. I think most of these folks are brain-dead and have no clue of what to do next. Britney and Monet(the Mean Girls) are so shallow pointing out all the flaws of the others. I hope Rachel outlasts the Mean Girls and I am surprised I actually like Rachel.
    One the boys side, Enzo is the most entertaining so I hope he stays a lot longer than Casey did last year.

    I think Matt makes it to the end with Enzo, as for the rest who knows?

  5. First of all, Brendon is not all that good looking. Neither are my type but Id say Hayden is the cuter of the two, if apparently a little pussified.
    Dont have the feeds, didnt like Annie to start, probably still dont, there was just something about her I didnt like. Sorry queen bitch. Hated Rachel but you've given me reason to pause. Ill reserve judgment on her for now. Wasnt sure on Enzo but from your description he seems amusing. Ill reserve judgment on him too for now.

  6. Hayden is a pussy and he looks like he is related to Ronnie Talbott. I am in lust with Enzo. I am drunk and can;t think of anything else to say.

  7. I cannot stand Monet and Britney ...they're like an uglier version of The Plastics from Mean Girls. I don't get the feeds but every time I check Twitter, someone is saying that they're talking shit about Rachel again and sure enough, first thing I hear on BBAD is Britney telling the boys that something is messed up about Rachel's body. I love Enzo for saying there's nothing wrong with her body. Hopefully the boys will get sick of the cattiness and turn against her very soon.

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  9. Funny but the first thing I thought of when Hayden nominated Brendon for eviction was that he did it out of jealousy. Hayden thought he was going to be the big heart throb but he can't quite compete with Brendon. Even though looks are subjective, Brendon has a brain and poor Hayden only has a helmet head.

  10. I'm still wondering what Annie did to have them all turn on her.

    Kathy: you're so right. LOL. She's always lying down. And that voice...guess it's the cigs.