I Should Have Queefed On His Face

They are born.

Big Brother has spread her milky white thighs and eeked out 13 unsuspecting HG's covered in viscera, goo, and what I suspect is matzo ball soup. How's that for a Dickensian opening? I thought I'd class up the joint a little this year. Now, back to the dick jokes!

The clock strikes 12 and like an old man coughing up phlegm, the Live Feeds spit and sputter and finally turn on. Woohoo! I say "Woohoo!" not for the joy of the Feeds, but for what the Feeds have generously put on my lap. Jewy JewBoy (I'm allowed to say that - my bff is Jewish) is crouched on the ground in front of Annie trying to lift up her blanket and get a quick pap smear in before anyone else is the wiser. Wait a tic... I thought he was a foot doctor. Apparently, Annie had the same thought too so she kicked him in the head and promptly threw a tantrum. Rachel, never one to ignore a camera pointing in her direction, feigns surprise, clutches her pearls, and says, "Thank god that wasn't me! I don't have any panties on!!!" So yeah, 2 seconds into the Live Feeds we have one pissed off bisexual, a seemingly pervy Jew, and a big breasted redhead running around Commando. Is this gonna be an awesome season or what?!

Usually it takes a while for feedsters to figure out who's on the block and what got them there. Lucky for us, these BB12 bitches are talkers who like to complain and rehash stuff... incessantly! This week's nominations are Pantiless Paula (Rachel) and Brendon. I could kind of understand why Commando Sally is on the block, but I wondered what Brendon did to piss of Hayden (HOH). If you ask Annie, who has an opinion on just about everything and isn't scared to share it, Brendon is creepy and, in addition to flirting a lot, he likes to slap the salami two times a day. My first thought? Yes! My mission this season is to get a screencap of Brendon playing with his one-eyed monster. *claps hands* Project! My second thought? It won't be long til Brendon hooks up. Remember how last season I was psychic and right about everything? Well, yeah, that's still the case. More on Brendon and his lusty adventures later.

(Forgive my ghetto Screencap. BBReloader is no more so I'm playing around with some new programs.)

So Jewy JewBoy thought it would be funny to flash the feedsters a vajayjay at the opening. Sure, it's funny and all and I appreciate the effort, but maybe humiliating a girl who seems to be wound super tight might not be the best of ideas. Annie's all pissed off and she needs to vent to someone who'll give her some attention. It turns out Kathy was badly injured in the Have/Have-Not competition (her arms look like Rihanna's face did) and she's confined to the bench to convalesce with a blanket, some smokes, and a permanent sneer on her face. I hate this bitch. I didn't like in her interviews and I like her a lot less now. That accent is gonna drive me insane I just know it. Anyhow, these two yentas begin to whisper all about Andrew. They talk about how annoying he is, how he might be the saboteur, and how he has a small penis. Now, I don't know if the small penis thing is true or if that was Annie's way of getting back at him. What I do know was that it was a dick joke so, of course, it made me laugh.

Annie, who was my pick for Early Favorite, is paying off in spades. She's hyper conscious of absolutely everything going on in the house. She almost got hit by a drive by pap smear and she's obsessed with the saboteur even though she insists he/she isn't affecting her game play at all. Right off the bat, she thinks Jewy JewBoy is the culprit. Perhaps she's right. Remember how last night Andrew became the Weeney Mascot who earned himself immunity for the week? Well, was that preplanned? Did BB instruct Andrew to do that? Hmmmm, I'm not sure. Maybe Annie's the saboteur and she's trying to deflect attention away from herself. Or maybe it's Kathy. Could it be her injuries are from the saboteur minefield? I have no bloody idea who it is. What I do know is that it's either Jewy JewBoy or he wants everyone to think it's him. That's what people on that show The Mole would do. They'd try to confuse the other competitors by purposely acting moley. You have to admit it is a little convenient that Andrew is safe this week.

Back inside the house a gang has formed. I've dubbed this gang The Baddabing Gang. Members of Baddabing are Enzo (duh), Matt, and Hayden. Britney floats on the perimeter of Baddabing right now, but I'm thinking Baddabing might be solely a men's club for the duration. Like all angry Italian "men's clubs", Baddabing has a target and his name is Brendon. We already know that Annie and Kathy think he's creepy and that his masturbatory habits are a little over the top, but I can't really tell why Baddabing has a problem with him. And then I hear it... coming from outside. It starts like a low mumbling and then amplifies to what sounds like a madman shouting. "Technotronics! Technotronics!" Oh hell to the no. Do NOT tell me BB has snuck in Jeffy Pooh for another summer of torture. I frantically switched my feeds to outdoors and sighed with relief. No, it wasn't Jeffy Pooh. It was just Brendon.... Jeff worshipping creepy jacking off Brendon. He's trying to flirt with the ladies and, for some reason, he thinks shouting "Technotronics!" repeatedly is the way into their hearts. Naturally, I issued a tweet that Brendon was a tool. Take a guess at what I saw in my BB12 search column on Twitter. Yep, cat ladies everywhere swooning over how cute and Jeff-like Brendon is. I promptly stuck a melon baller into my ocular cavity and poured myself another tumbler of gin. *sigh* It's gonna be a looooong season.

OK so Baddabing wants Brendon to hit the high road and they're going over what could happen with the POV competition. This POV players are: Hayden, Rachel, Brendon, Monet, Andrew, and Enzo. Baddabing is concerned that if Andrew wins, he'll take Brendon off the block. Enzo plans on keeping the noms as is out of "respect" for the HOH. After a brief conversation about Reese Witherspoon movies, Baddabing gets back to POV plans. They decide that if Brendon comes off the block, Ragan should go up in his place. It's not that they necessarily want to get rid of Ragan or anything. It's just that they don't want to put anyone else who can help them further down the line in jeopardy just yet. Rachel isn't really their target, but if she has to go then so be it. No sweat off their hairy backs. What Baddabing knows for sure is that the plan for Week 2 is to crucify the Jew... if you catch my drift. It turns out Andrew and his yarmulke like to talk and speculate a lot especially about Enzo. Well, since Enzo is a "made man" and Andrew is a Christkiller.... sparks are bound to fly. Baddabing plans to evict Andrew as soon as is humanly possibly. That, or they'll take him to an abandoned warehouse and whack him. Who knows?

While Baddabing is busy cleaning their guns and making Scorcese shrines, Monet is now outside with Kathy. They're under the pap smear blanket bitching about Annie and Rachel. They don't like how Annie and Rachel think they can get famous from being on the show. In actuality, I think it's just good old fashioned jealousy. Annie and Rachel look cute, they've made friends, and they seem to be having a good time. Meanwhile, Kathy is miserable and Monet isn't getting the attention she feels she deserves. Another big gripe with these two is how Rachel reacted during the POV ceremony. Apparently, Rachel picked Monet's ball and immediately made an evil "Awwww no fucking way... why me?!?" face. Monet interpreted it that she is the new target to go on the block. Others interpreted it as Monet being worthless to compete with. I don't know what the impetus behind the "You've got to be shitting me?!" face was, but there is definitely no love between Rachel and Monet. Awaiting the imminent blow up between them is oddly delicious though. Don't you agree? Hair extensions could start flying, bikini tops will be torn off, they'll both be wrestling with only their good angles to camera... can't wait!

Back inside, Jewy JewBoy and Enzo are having a little chat about alliances. JewMeister knows about Enzo and his "gang" and assures Enzo that he'll be safe for a while. Enzo, on the other hand, merely hears the word "gang" and begins to throw a complete fit. "Gang? What gang? I ain't in no gang!" Gang, alliance, tomatoes, tomahtoes. You're in a gang Enzo and that's ok because I gave it the best name ever. People will be talking about Baddabing for years to come. Trust me. Lighten up.

It just so happens that Annie is also wise to the gang and bitch wants in. She approaches Enzo and says she wants to make an alliance with Hayden. She thinks she'll get along famously with Hayden. I think she sees strength in numbers. Baddabing could be a force to be reckoned with and Annie's no dummy. She's not making any friends with the women so she might as well try to hook up with the men. I can't say I blame her.

The night ends with Rachel and Brendon in the spa room. They're cuddling and canoodling and talking about who they should trust. These two nominees have vowed not to campaign against each other so instead they'll just flirt and completely misread the rest of the players. They're torn as to whether or not to trust Andrew. He might be Brendon's only ally, but Rachel is convinced that Andrew is just plain creepy. Another thing these two lovebirds have in common is that they're both Have Nots. Isn't that precious? Penniless and in poverty with a lover is always better than penniless and in poverty alone. It's like that Bon Jovi song 'Living On A Prayer'. Rachel cries in the night, Brendon whispers, "Baby it's ok... someday." Take my hand we'll make it I swear... oh ohhhh living on a prayerrrrr.

I won't end this tragic love story there. I'll end it here... with a kiss. It's a kiss filled with hope, yearning, the future... and tongue. Lots and lots of tongue. Thanks to my friends over at onlinebigbrother.com for the photo that I completely stole from them.

So, what did you bitches think of the first night? Any favorites so far? Who's really chapping your ass? Are you happy with the nominations? Who's creepier: Andrew or Brendon? Also, tell me who said the title of today's blog and you're a big weiner! Comment it out bitches and have a great day! LOTS more to come tomorrow. We've got our first full day and night ahead of us. Oy vey.