A long long time ago in the olden timey days when thieves had their hands cut off for stealing loaves of bread and syphillis was as common as ADD, someone in a laboratory somewhere, possibly Siena or maybe Avignon, was hard at work coming up with a formula. He worked quietly and patiently in a dank cellar he had dug on the north end of his acreage. There were serfs, vassals, indentured servants, and all sorts of other people from my history classes puttering around doing chores of various importance, so Stuart, that's what we'll call this inventor, would work late at night by candlelight while everyone else was sleeping. He mixed all sorts of fragrant concoctions. Some had acacia, bayberry, and figwort while others had henbane, milk thistle, and vervain. Stuart wasn't casting a spell as yours truly is often wont to do. No, Stuart was searching for the origin of evil. *thunder clap* He thought if he found what made evil tick, then maybe he could banish it once and for all and not worry about his ladies in waiting whoring around or his footmen stealing an extra tomato here and there when he wasn't looking. After months of working through frigid winters and sweltering summers (his air conditioner was like totally broken), Stuart discovered that evil is much more complicated than he first thought. There wasn't simply one impetus that made evil so bad and not good. There were, in fact, seven. Yes, my dear readers, it's a little known fact that the Stuart in this tale is the Stuart who discovered the 7 Deadly Sins. *thunder clap* Now, why on earth would I be talking about the 7 Deadly Sins on a Big Brother Blog? Well, it's a simple as this: There are 7 houseguests left, not much went on yesterday, I thought 7 houseguests - 7 deadly sins... voila! My most ambitious blog post to date, my homage to Tyra Banks (name why this is an homage to Tyra in the comments and you're a big weiner!) Let's recap, shall we?
Stuart's first discovery was one he kinda already knew to be true himself. His wife was a lying slut who slept with the stable boy and his scullery maid was always flashing him her vaj, so yeah, the first deadly sin is Lust. *thunder clap* It was actually Aristotle who defined Lust as an "excessive love of others" so, naturally, the houseguest representing Lust is the one and only Brendon Villegas. The newly bald Brendon confessed early on to a two time a day masturbatory habit so it shouldn't really come as a surprise that he was quick to fall prey to the red headed harlot we've all come to hate. Brendon's primal urge to procreate is the deadly sin that I firmly believe ruined him for America. Sure, Brendon is a fierce competitor who doesn't know the meaning of "give up", but he's also an unfortunate tool who thinks with his loins. Had he played his own game, not been Rachel's little kumquat Bitch Boy, and made some solid friendships he could have easily been a favorite in the eyes of the public. Yes, Brendon still has a solid shot of actually winning this season from hell and I even tossed around the idea that it might not be such a bad thing after all. Then I came to my senses when I realized that Rachel would probably get a piece of that $500,000 pie, she'd monopolize every single one of his victory interviews, and these two chuckle heads would most definitely secure a spot on The Amazing Race (which I begrudgingly blog over at the Bitchy Amazing Race Blog). I don't know about you guys, but I can't live with that. I can't sleep soundly and continue to live my life happily knowing that Rachel would be out in the world somewhere buying herself some more tie dye tank tops and mismatched extensions with Brendon's money. Poor Brendon will be on welfare by December because his clown of a girlfriend would have bought the Patron distillery and drank the entire inventory. For my own sanity and for the future of tequila everywhere, I do not want Lust to win this game.
The next up on our list is Gluttony. *thunder clap* This is an easy one requiring no thinking on my part. Gluttony is represented by one Mr. Enzo Palumbo. *cue 'O Sole Mio'* Enzo not only cheats while as a Have-Not, but he eats like food is going out of style and his teeth are made of rubber. It's an open-mouthed sucking slurping dance for the ages. I literally hurl my head phones across the room when this idiot starts masticating. I've found it's faster and much easier for me to simply rip off an ear lobe rather than fumbling around trying to find the mute button. I don't know if he thinks he can extract more flavor from his food by sucking and smacking it death, but it's truly the most nauseating noise I've ever heard in my life. Being Italian and having famous pizza maker parents doesn't help Enzo's cause either. The crunchy crusts mixing with the melted gooey cheese squenching and blending around and around in his mouth is a feast for the eyes no one should ever have to witness. Being a gluttonous open mouthed pig, Enzo's primal urges draw him to all things caloric. Yes, he's stuffed things to eat into his penguin costume and just yesterday I thought people were getting way too bent out of shape over it, but last night... last night, the night before eviction, Enzo stood in the kitchen in front of Matt and Hayden, asked if he was allowed to drink chocolate milk, ignored the "no's" he got as an answer, and proceeded to make himself a giant glass of the cocoa goodness. He announced to the cameras that he didn't care if he was cheating - "Go ahead and send me to the fucking jury house yo.", he said. Hayden's eyes grew wide as he sensed his game could be in danger if Enzo left instead of Matt. Conversely, Matt just sat there and shifted uncomfortably. If I was Matt, I would have gotten straight up, marched into the DR, and said, "Hey assholes, Enzo just cheated in front of everyone. Penalty nom. Now!" The sneaking around thing with the food didn't bother me too much because other HG's have done it in the past without repercussion, but the flauting of BB laws right in front of everyone (just like Jen did in BB8) is a little over the top and, yes, he should be punished for it. I don't care anymore if he taps into that all too popular Jersey Shore demographic and makes all the non feedsters laugh 3 times a week. He should be held accountable for being a whiny gluttonous pig. Thankfully, I'm pretty confident that Enzo probably won't make it to the Final 2. If he does and he ends up winning BB12, I move that New Jersey's borders be closed and no one ever be allowed to leave that state again. Between Mr. Palumbo, that tubby drunken idiot with the bump-it in her hair, and that wretched Manzo clan, I am officially done with New Jersey!
Stop three on our whirlwind tour of sin is Greed. *thunder clap* I was looking forward to this one actually because I think we all know who the new poster boy for Greed is... Hayden. Hayden, the shaggy haired nonwinner who doesn't know the definition of "alliance" or "loyalty". The second he's on the block he turns against his in-house hook up (Kristen) in order to protect his precious self. Last night though... my god, that CBS show... Hayden went a step further in his douchebaggery and not only gathered up all the prizes for himself, but went ahead and let Matt take all the blame. I guarantee he stole money out of the church collection plate as a child. I'm pretty sure he refused to let his creepy overprotective mother give out candy to other kids on Halloween and, I'm not sure, but I wouldn't count out the possibility that Hayden has also stolen aluminum cans from the neighborhood homeless man. Hayden's greed is so overwhelming that friendships and love interests are clearly secondary in his life. I'm pretty sure he's never held a job (actually, he'd probably just steal from the till if he had) because last night he said he hasn't made more than $5000 in the past 2 years. He's 24! What the hell is he still doing in college is what I want to know?! Is he like one of those people who just shirks the idea of growing up that they stay in college for as long as possible because they know mommy and daddy will pay for it? I'll bet he takes 3 credits a semester and spends his days playing XBox and growing his hair. I don't know. I'm just really fired up over what went down last night. I hate how the Bra-gade completely manipulated Britney into doing their bidding and walked away with all the prizes in the process. The Bra-gade is the worst thing to happen to this season. They made game playing boring, winning not necessary, and acting like a scumbag par for the course. Worse still, Hayden could very easily win BB12. I think I'd rather listen to Rachel give nauseating interviews to Entertainment Weekly than know that Hayden won the money by being a scared paranoid little puppy dog who puts himself before all others. I'm organizing a midnight sex spell I've written to get Hayden out of this game once and for all. Reply in the comments if you want to join in. I'm gonna need a lot of particpants with zero inhibitions for this to work properly.
Now, we arrive at Wrath. *thunder clap* I'm going to give Wrath to one Mr. Ragan Fox. Ragan may seem spindly and weak on the outside, but he's the only person to ever put that beak-nosed parrot face in her place and I truly believe that it was his inner rage that instigated it all. You see, Ragan is a political sort of guy. He writes poems and does radio shows about a whole myriad of topics of injustice. In other words, things in the world make him angry and he reacts to them. Whether it's in limmerick form or marching in a Pride parade, Ragan is fueled by what unsettles him. He's trapped in a big stinky testicle house of heterosexual men yet he's the only person to take a stand against someone, rip her to shreds, and sound intelligent while doing it. You're a lying sack of doody if you say that the fights aren't what you live for while watching Big Brother. Without Ragan we wouldn't have had our most delicious fight of the season. It's been parodied, it's been recapped, it's been animated... that fight is all we have to cling onto in this otherwise doldrum house. As rabid fans we search and speculate for madness that might be festering. Over and over again we come up empty handed so instead we crawl into bed and think back on Lydia ripping Ass Licker a new one or Jeff telling Russell he "got got". Ahhh, the good ole days. Big outspoken personalities are what bring the drama and I'm sad to say the only people to step up to the plate this season are Ragan and Rachel. I think Kristen could have delivered had she stuck around. She's doesn't take any bullshit from anyone as we've witnessed only just yesterday when she outed the phonies bidding on her hippietard. I would have loved a Kristen, Ragan, Britney alliance. I could have been happy with them in the Final 3. Instead I'm stuck with a bunch of dummies who do nothing, say nothing, and inspire nothing. *sigh* It's depressing.
We now come to Sloth. *thunder clap* Sloth could very easily apply to several of the HG's, but I'm gonna go ahead and pin it on Lane. Lane is completely nonessential to this game. I'm sure he's nice and all that, but what the hell is he doing in Big Brother? I mean, come on! He doesn't care when he's nominated, he doesn't try win a damn thing, and I'm pretty sure he could give two shits if he went to the Jury House tonight. He's a giant athletic type of guy who simply refuses to put any of the skills he has to good use. Nothing ever phases Lane and that's doubly infuriating. He's the polar opposite of Ragan when it comes to social injustice. Ragan gets fired up, makes signs, and takes a stand. Lane shrugs his shoulders, pops a beer, and kicks back in his LazyBoy to watch the game. If it's not knocking on his door threatening hisself or his family, then Lane could really give a flying fuck. Any time he has to talk Britney into doing something stupid, he sighs and begrudgingly climbs the stairs to the HOH. Talking game interrupts his grueling floating in the pool schedule. He's boring, I wouldn't notice if he suddenly disappeared, and he's a member of that stupid Bra-gade. So yeah, Lane winning this season would be a complete clusterfuck. I can't imagine anyone wanting to read an interview with this guy. A journalist would ask, "Lane, what do you feel was your strongest move of the game?" Lane would reply, "Well, ummm, I'm not sure really. Do you have a floatie on you? I've got a hankering to hang out by the pool." The only thing of interest Lane has done this season was to get caught masturbating and even that was bloody boring! The most exciting part was when he rinsed his hand off. I rarely even talk about Lane in this here fancy blog because he doesn't inspire me in the least. At least Rachel gave me something to work with. She had personality (albeit a horrible and wretched one) and wouldn't shut up. Lane gives me nothing.
This brings us to Envy. *thunder clap* You're not gonna understand it at first, but let me explain it and eventually you'll hop onboard and get it. I am assigning Envy to Britney. She's not the petty jealous type that Rachel is. Rachel's envy stems from her own insecurity of being a vile hose beast. Britney's envy is a little more complicated than that. Britney is envious of brotherhood and comraderie. Brit is a gals gal who's done the sorority thing and dealt with catty bitches her entire life. She's southern and grew up in pageants so hairspray and make-up have been a part of her world from a very young age. Deep down inside Britney just wants to talk dirty, scratch herself, and hang out with the dudes. She's got a wicked sense of humor that's not always appropriate in southern circles so she stifles it and instead thinks evil thoughts to herself. In the Big Brother house, however, this underdeveloped tomboy side she has not only flourished, but delighted us all with merriment and glee. She was the comedy force behind Just The Tip, she can crack up a room full of dudes and not break a sweat, and she'll stay up all night getting chum chunks on her with nary a complaint. The only problem with all of this is that when it comes down to the wire, the penis people are going to cut Britney out and she'll find herself alone with the despicable failures in the Jury House. It's Britney's envy of the brotherhood that caused her colossal mistake this week. I think in her effort to infiltrate the guys, she lost sight of herself and her own game thus letting them manipulate her much more easily than it should have been. She's completely blind to the alliance before her and instead of running her own HOH, she got suckered into running it for the guys. It's a horrible horrible shame because I would have loved to have seen Britney get to the Final 2. Unfortunately, it's gonna take a whole lot of miracles and perhaps a ball of twine and duct tape for that to happen. I'll keep my fingers crossed for Britney, but I also won't be surprised if tonight is her last night in the house.
Finally, we arrive at Pride. *thunder clap* Pride is the most difficult of all the 7 Deadly Sins to conquer. I learned that by watching Charmed I'll have you know. This one, of course, is a no brainer. Pride falls upon the wee little non super genius himself, Matt. Matt's pride first emerged in Week 3. He was so overcome with self love and all the goofy labels and personalities he'd assigned to himself that he thought getting out the most powerful twosome in the house was no big deal. His monumental mistake not only affected the entire BB12 season, but it also planted the very first seed in the minds of the Bra-gade that Matt is someone who can't be trusted. Had he been all Bra-gade, all the time, he might not find himself in the perdicament he's in now. Instead, he thought he knew better than everyone else, he spent hours fondling his own balls, and smirking at his own reflection, that he failed to see the doubt and mistrust in the eyes of his closest friends. Matt was a promising player who had small stature on his side. How he managed to fuck it all up still astounds me. He had America (well, the weird short man lovers) rooting for him, he had some smarts, and then he said, "Hey, it's the diabolical super genius here..." and we all just kind of groaned and rolled our eyes. Worse still, you know he sat around and planned that moniker for weeks before entering the BB house. That wasn't something that was spontaneous in the DR. It was carefully planned and he probably thought it was gonna get him places in life. Instead, he finds himself with one foot out the door, no friends to call his own, and America ready to pounce for the diseased wife lie.... all because his pride got in the way of his game. Pathetic. Absolutely unequivocally pathetic. So sayonara Matty Boy... you truly deserve what you're getting tonight. You will never be a music star and you will never be a sex symbol. I suggest you go back home, make it up to your wife, and stop being such a monumental douchebag. Never do reality tv again. Just focus on your little web design profession and see a shrink to break you of your disgusting ball cradling habit. Thank you.
Sooooo, do Ragan and Britney have a chance in hell to stick around for another few weeks? Do you think Matt outing the Bra-gade would have helped him stay? Will BB address the chocolate milk incident? How long do you think Kathy's lifeless body has been at the bottom of the pool? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
Artwork in today's blog is by Marta Dahlig.