Monday, August 23, 2010

Wishy Washy Suckfest

Yesterday someone, I won't say who (her name is STACKED), left a comment in the wee hours of the morn suggesting I sacrifice my prized leprechaun, Mr. O'Shaugnessy, in order to get Britney to nominate Hayden. It's not like Mr. O is worth his weight in gold or anything! Oh alright, so maybe he is, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna boil him up for the worst season of Big Brother ever! What you bitches don't seem to understand is that my leprechaun is a lot more than just someone I kick around now and again. He packs my opium, he stirs my gin, he holds my balls of yarn when I knit, and I'll have you know he's quite the lover. Mr. O can curl my toes like no other. You'd think he was an Argentinian polo player or a long haired romance novel cover model rather than a ornery tiny person with flaming red chest hair. I was actually considering bringing over some of Mr. O's brothers from Dublin to sell on eBay. I was gonna give you guys the opportunity to bid first before I opened up my auctions to the general public, but forget it now. I can just see the whole lot of you sadistic whores harming some of the beloved O'Shaugnessy clan for your own personal gain. Yes, leprechaun's are magical, but they can also be ruthless little monkeys if you don't treat them right.

I first found Mr. O while on a week long holiday in Ireland. I had just seen that movie Veronica Guerin and I wanted to go to Dublin to pretend I was Cate Blanchett sniffing out drug dealers. I had always loved Cate and thought I'd have no problem pretending to be a stubborn journalist while sporting a sassy new short haircut. I had practiced my brogue, packed my Michael Flatley DVD's and a couple bars of Irish Spring, and bought a giant cable knit sweater just for the occasion. I called everyone I met a "wee lassie" and I ate a lot meat packed stews. One day, while searching for Bono's house, I got lost and found myself in the middle of a giant field of peat. From my history lessons I knew that back in the olden timey days people were sacrificed in the magical bogs of peat. I'm not sure why, but I think it could have been for messing up in clogging class or something. So anyhow, there I was all alone with the wind in my hair when I started to weep. I just knew that some stray Gaelic speaking clansman was gonna see my cute self, claim me for his own, have his way with me, and then sacrifice me later in a weird ritualistic Druid ceremony I wouldn't understand one word of. I always knew I was gonna be a prized posession, but not to some hairy guy in a skirt who decorated with too many plaids.

Sad and hopeless I cried myself to sleep and awaited my fate. The next morning I awoke to find myself in a meticulous tree house that smelled like cookies and cabbage. I opened my eyes slowly to find a small red headed creature scurrying back and forth from the oven to the kitchen table. He was smoking a pipe and muttering to himself about his cookies not being chewy enough. I was at once scared yet fascinated. Who was this silly little man? Would he hurt me or just feed me well? Sensing me stirring in my bed made of hay he came over to me and smiled. He said, "'Ello wee lassie, ya fancy a smoke and a pint?" Why, it was the cutest thing I'd ever seen! I grabbed him by the neck, pulled him into bed with me, and we spent the next week doing unspeakable things with heads of cabbage. It was bliss. I brought him back to America with me and here we live happily ever after. So, no, no I will not sacrifice my leprechaun! It was fate that I found him in the first place. Let's recap, shall we?

Our pageant princess Britney seems to have herself a decision making problem. Should she put Matt or Hayden on the block? At first it seemed like there was no way in hell she'd put Matt up for eviciton. As soon as she'd won HOH she assured both Matt and Ragan that they were 100% safe. After Brendon won POV and ruined, well, everything, Britney became scared of making too many enemies. If she puts up Hayden, then Enzo, Lane, and Brendon will be mad at her. If she puts up Matt, Ragan will be mad at her. What's a girl to do?

First, you don't worry about who's gonna be mad at you. What the hell Britney?!? You're a tough chick. Make a decision and stick with it! Think it out logically. Do you really think the boys club on the other side of the house are going to keep you in this game for another week? Doesn't it strike you as odd that they never win anything? Also, wasn't Enzo talking shit about you just last week? Come on girl! Get it together.

The problem in why this decision is so damn hard for Britney is Lane. Look, I don't mind Lane. He's funny in his DR's and all that, but when you stop to think about it he really doesn't do much else. I rarely write about him in this very blog because he never does anything. He doesn't fight with people and he doesn't win shit. Basically, he is drama-less which means he's a big ole bore. I'm sure he's lovely in person and it must be fun to go shoot stuff with him, but in the game of Big Brother he's a ginormous beefy yawnfest. If he left tomorrow, I honestly can't say that the house wouldn't be any different. That's how insignificant he is. He floats in the pool, he lifts his weights, and he sleeps. That's about it. If he actually stood up to someone and made some power moves I might think differently, but for now he's inconsequential to my enjoyment of the game.

Actually, what the hell am I talking about? I hate this game. I hate it with every fiber of my being. It's work for me to watch the damn feeds anymore. I half ass it and go to instead to catch up on everything I missed. My house is clean, I sleep like 9 hours a night, I watch movies, I work, I paint exquisite flower pictures that may or may not look like vaginas... the point is, I'm getting an unusual amount of shit done for a Big Brother season. Usually, I'm up all night hunched over my laptop madly typing important notes I mustn't forget. I'd live off of canned goods and leftover crackers because I'd be too afraid to go to the grocery store and miss anything. I'd fight with idiots in the chat rooms because I'd be so passionate about who I was rooting for that I'd take it upon myself to defend them to the death. Now, instead, I lie in bed, watch Bravo shows, play 18 Words With Friends games at once, and check my Twitter for what's going on in the house. I search the dark cavernous recesses of my mind trying to find ways to make this blog interesting. Big Brother is so fucking boring that I choose to live in a fantasy world of ritual human sacrifice and fanciful mythical creatures rather than focus on game play. I'm gonna be honest with you guys, it is so hard for me to find any joy whatsoever in this season. The other day someone asked me, "So, what do you do, you watch the Feeds all day and write about them?" I replied, "No, I just make shit up." She said, "And people read that?" I said, "Yeah, you'd be surprised how many." She said, "Well, good for you." I sighed and shrugged my shoulders, "Yeah... good for me."

I HATE BIG BROTHER 12!!! Are you fucking listening to me Allison Grodner? Why the hell did you cast such boring idiots for me to write about? How you call yourself an Executive Producer of anything is beyond me. Your twists aren't going to save this damn season so enough already!Here's what I want you to do. I want you to hire an Israeli Commando and blow up the fucking house. Use some C4 or toilet paper dipped in gasoline. I don't care how you do it, just fucking do it. Put an end to this madness, fire Robyn Kass, fire yourself, and then hand the reins over to whomever is running the Bad Girls Club. If BB13 isn't All Stars 2, then I want a bunch of nutty broads who have no problem getting naked and punching each other in the face. If you can't manage to do that, then I want devices implanted into each of the HG's brains that make throwing competitions excruciatingly painful. Call NASA, the FBI, the CIA, the Vatican... someone somewhere must have the technology to make a small metal electronic genital zapper that can sense when an HG is about to throw a comp.

Better yet, why don't you just go ahead and visit a parole officer? Cast 13 ex-cons with violent pasts and let them all kill each other for the grand prize. Or you could do an Agatha Christie type thing where the HG's wake up to find another HG murdered in their bed. Houseguests would have to figure out who the killer is or else end up dying a tragic death. Maybe have a Gladiator season. With the overwhelming success of Spartacus: Blood and Sand, gladiators are very hot right now. Cast a bunch of big beefy guys and let them fight to the death. Maybe for POV they can wrestle with a lion or something. We'll call the show Big Brother Ludus and they'll wear nothing but loin cloths for 10 weeks. If that's impossible because PETA will throw a big tantrum over the whole lion thing, then might I suggest Big Brother: Drag Queen Version? You get 14 bitchy drag queens who have innovative ways of turning a phrase (shit like "throwing shade" or just randomly shouting "gorgonzola!") and let them have run of the house for the summer. You wouldn't even need to have big dramatic competitions. Just let them hurl "Yo Mama" insults to one another in the backyard and the last one left standing wins. Look AG (and CBS), I've given you some amazing suggestions for how to bring this show back to life. I want you to call me, hire me, and we'll make this happen.

OK I'm sorry about all that. I've been holding this shit in for weeks now and I just needed to let loose. I'm not stopping the blog or anything like that. I'd never do that to you guys. I'll continue to cover this travesty. I just wanted it in writing how much this season makes me want to hurl myself out of a window and land face first onto a rusty spike.

So yeah, Britney can't make a decision about Matt. Matt convinced her to keep him, then Lane convinced her to dump him, then Ragan convinced her to keep him again, then Hayden convinced her to dump him again. I don't know if Britney is really this wishy washy and easily swayed or if she's already made her decision and is just playing everyone. If you remember a few days ago she lied to Brendon telling him how hard it was for her to make a decision about who to nominate. I'm hoping she's doing something similar to that now. I'm hoping that she's already got it fixed in her mind that she's going to put up Hayden and stick tight with her pals Matt and Ragan. If she keeps Enzo in this game, then I fear her days are numbered. If I'm left having to recap this shit with only Bra-gade members in the house, I'm gonna get Ophelia on everyone's ass and fall into a brook and "accidentally" drown. Instead of handing out rue, the herb of regret, I'll eat it myself and shrivel up my insides while dying a slow and painful foaming at the mouth death while lying in a creek 12 inches deep. Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do.

So, how do you think Britney will nominate today? Do you think she's playing everyone and she already knows very well what's she's gonna do? How will you take your own life if we're stuck with all Bra-gade members for the final weeks? Comment it out bitches and have a great day! No blog tomorrow. Something suddenly came up.

One more thing: Please check out the hippetard up for auction over at eBay. It's the one cool item from this season. Kristen is even throwing in the wig! Pretty awesome. Bid HERE.


  1. I keep seeing these tweets where people talk about how Nick must be mad at the Britney/Lane thing. I assume something different. I assume Nick has the feeds. Nick is not worried about his girl and the oaf. Nick is pissed at how Lane pretends to like Britney, does the silly ass DR sessions to entertain the masses, then stabs her in the back everytime he talks to Hayden and Enzo. Nick is pissed. If Lane wants a fight, he might get it.

    (I'm trying not to think about Britney fucking off her own and Matt's game by listening to Lane, so I'm picturing the geeky looking fiance punching Lane in the face.)

  2. This season is truly and unarguably FUCKING AWFUL. Thank you so much for giving voice to the horror, and for offering up some suggestions for future seasons to the idiots running the show. If there are future seasons. Because if any future season looks anything like this one, then the show should be put out to pasture. I have kept watching because (1.) I hate to leave things once I've started and (2.) I keep expecting SOMETHING to happen. ANYTHING! I mean, seriously, it's Big Brother! Things have always happened before. I'm still expecting the unexpected, but apparently that idea was deleted from this season. If this cast is representative of the best applicants for the show, then I would rather just delete the show from my 'guilty pleasures' list. Thank God, Survivor returns soon.

  3. Thank you, Lala, for this blog because it is the ONLY thing enjoyable about Big Brother 12. If it weren't for your daily yarns and spins on the feeds, I would have thrown in the towel on week 3. This season fucking sucks.

  4. here's how I'm going to do it..I'm going to go out in the wilderness in rural Texas late at night wearing nothing but a deer skin suit. As soon as I'm spotted I'm going to just stand still until a "beastly" redneck hairier than me shoots me with a 12 gauge shotgun and then says he's going to buy my girlfriend a drink.

  5. Sorry, everyone...but this season doesn't suck! We already have experienced the ouster of Big Brothers most hated Houseguest of all time, the boldest lie told to garner sympathy, an intact (so far)alliance whose gameplay seems to be doing nothing, unfairly booted HG's that light up the blogosphere and the most creative blogs written to entertain us. What more could you want?

  6. I've thought about it and decided I will jump off a bridge if we are left with the brigade in the final weeks. Maybe take some cool drugs first. Then jump.

    Shouldn't Matt consider outing the brigade in order to save himself here? Twist the truth a little to make himself look good. Tell Brit and Ragan he left it a couple wks ago to join them ...blah, blah, would work, wouldn't it?

  7. The moment Britney breathes her final breath in the Big Brother house, will be the last moment I waste spending time watching this disappointing season. Alison effing Grodner will have noone left in the house entertaining enough to watch. I'm disgusted so many pathetic losers are left. The only ones who have tried at all are Matt, Britney, and Brendon. Rachel did too, but she was an annoying bitch who needed to go. Season 13 better rock the Casbah otherwise I'm washing my hands of the whole thing and sticking with BB UK.

  8. Your blog is the best part of Season 12 and I love your new idea's on revamping the show.
    There's a homeless man in my area I've always thought would make a fantastic BB contestant. He happily wanders the neighborhood and covers the street signs with his own feces. He says that way, the aliens won't be able to find our street or address. Hey, I don't knock him for it, I haven't seen one alien since I've moved here. Imagine if he could get on BB and maybe even win! He could get himself a cool blazer to wear and even a new paint brush and I guarentee he'd be more entertaining to watch then these tools and toolbags.

  9. When the season started i couldnt believe what a collection of snooze inducing people that were on this show, then as the weeks went by I realized that I'm hooked on this season more than any other and I can't explain it. I love that Brendon is hanging in and I cant wait to see the ass end of that bottom feeder Matt. It will be priceless when they all find out his wifes not dying. Ragan that whiney toothy frankenstein headed poor excuse for the token gay guy, is gonna shiz himself. Love it.

  10. Get Ophelia on everyone's asses?? LOL! You crack me up.

    The problem is that Matt isn't following his gut. Inside little dude knows the Brigade is turning on him but something is making him ignore that. Maybe Matt was always the nerdy kid the cool kids picked on and now he doesn't want to admit he's on the outs. Matt could turn this WHOLE thing around if he outed the Brigade. Then there'd be drama. But noooooo. Matt thinks he's still cool. If Britney puts Matt up, I think he'll out the Brigade then but it will be too late.

    And Britney. This chick here. Hasn't she noticed that with the exception of Andrew, every week a chick goes? There's OBVIOUSLY some sort of dude thing going on. And men stick together. WHY would Lane pick her over the bros? She's not giving it up - he hangs out with the boys more than her. Britney's being an idiot.

    Enzo's whining is seriously working my nerves. Why do they like him? He's just a surly do nothing bully. Ugh. Time for him to go.

    I don't think I'll have to do anything. I'll just watch and die of boredom.

    This season sucks.

  11. Lala, I agree. People love BB conspiracies, so here's mine: CBS doesn't want to do Big Brother anymore but knows it has hard core fans, so this season they decided to cast the most boring annoying people and do nothing with them, so that the fans would dwindle and there wouldn't be as big of an uproar when they cancel it. What do you think?
    Also I hate you because your blogs truly are the only thing that keeps this season interesting. When you don't write, I get unbearable :(

  12. never before has a cast been so sure of and consumed with their post-BB celebrity. the irony is that they may be the cast that finally completely kills this show with the american public. way to go enzo. maybe i'll hire you to check coats at my next party. thanks for all the hard work. we BB fans appreciate what you and your cast-mates have done with the program we once enjoyed. wtg!

    and we're not letting production off the hook either. you're completely responsible for every nanosecond of this shitfest. THANKS GALS!!!! IT'S SURE BEEN SWELL FELLAS!!!

  13. STACKED should be banned for suggesting the slaughter of Mr. O'Shaugnessy!! He has been quite enjoyable to read and get to over the seasons.....

    As far as Matt, sorry...I can't stomach him. The lie w/ his wife made me really dislike him... I can't help it... somethings you just dont lie about... BUT, I never liked him. Too cocky and too much playing with himself to suit me... he's just a creepy butt munch!

    Now as far as BB.... This season BLOWS! Boring... big time... the only fun about it is reading your blogs and I have hardly watched any of the feeds and like you, I read about stuff because this house SUCKS!

    Maybe next season they should just have back every single person who got voted out in week 1 of all the other seasons... This way they dont have to think too much because obviously they cant cast and that Allison witch is and looks like a complete douche bag!

    Add in Evel Dick and we might have a season.

  14. Dear Creme Tangerine,


    Much love,

  15. I wouldn't blame you if you stopped the blog, CL. I'd miss it, but this non-stop pool game is dull as dishwater. Maybe if they'd kept any of the women it would've been more interesting, but that's water under the bridge.

    I'm saying 'bye' to BBAD and will keep up with the story online.

  16. Great! glad you are not stopping the blog. It truly is BB12.
    This is the first season that I have tried to watch BBAD and I fall asleep every night. I kept thinking why would people pay for this $#@( every season??

    I do enjoy your blog and have been a lurker for 3 years now. Best of the best ... you are truly talented.

  17. NOW don't you wish you had sacrificed Mr. O'Shaugnessy???? COME ON!!! You could have found another one! Now either Brit or Ragan will go and the sausage fest continues. SIGH.

    I cannot believe I spent money on live feeds this season.

    I planned on auditioning for season 13 but since I am 40 I think Kathy has killed it for me since they may think anyone 40 and older are going to be that boring.

    This season DOES blow and it is about to put me in a comatose state Thursday. Maybe we should have collected money and sent a banner over the house telling Matt/Regan/Brit FINAL 3 - FK the BG. Too little, too late.

    Love your blog, please don't ban me.

  18. One last thing CoLa.... why on earth have you not gone on this show?

  19. My heart almost stopped when I saw permission granted to stop the blog. Thankfully, you responded with a negative to that permission. If BB sucks, at least we have the blog. It makes it worth watching, if for no other reason than to read the better soap opera that exists in your BB blog. Believe me when I say, I am totally kissing your ass. Whatever it takes.

    Fuck Matt. Seriously. Fuck that cocky, miniature, douchebag, dick-smothering, twat-waffle. He needs to go back to the forest and make my Fudge Stripes cookies. I can't wait to see him walk out the door. I don't know why he coins himself a "diabolical super genius" when all he has done this season is keep his hands warm by keeping them safely tucked into his jock. If he had but Brendon and Rachel up during his first HOH, he wouldn't be in this position. I hope he enjoys his Hawaiian vacation or $5K, whichever prize he has, because it cost the little troll a half million.
    I can't wait to see the HGs faces if and when they tell them that his wife is in perfect health.

  20. My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius...

    Commander of the armies of the north...

    General of the Felix Legions...

    Loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius...

    Father to a murdered son...

    Husband to a murdered wife...

    And I will have my vengeance,in this life or the next.

    ohhh wait...wrong reign of drama

    A gladiator does not fear death. He embraces it, caresses it, fucks it!

    sigh.../slaps self from daydream of real drama

    Ok if you haven't figured it out yet, I'm all for cancelling the current BB and going for the gladiator BB whether they wear wool or leather skirts

    I have basically stopped watching the feeds, the tv and now only read this and another blog. I much prefer Lala's fanstasies than the crap happening currently on BB

    Personally I think they should all be thrown to the lions in the colleseum.

    Great blog Lala and if you do manage to kill yourself please realize there are those of us that do have power and will bring you back and place you in a cell, tied to a chair, with Rachel. Your favorite houseguest drunk so she can laugh and giggle at you continously, while flashing you various and sundry body parts, while twirling her hair in your face until you take up writing your blog again.

    There are other people out here that are probably a tad more evil than you. We just choose not to advertise. However, given watching this season without your blog, I will come out of retirement and fulfill your worst nightmare. I hope I have made myself clear and there will be no furtehr discussions regarding your untimely , if not dramatic demise.

  21. Its like these HGs have completely forgotten about how the 500k prize at the end of the game. They just dick around the house, play stupid pool tournaments, and whine about sleeping, having to do competitions, and alluding about how much Allison Grodner and the other producers in the DR are manipulating their opinions, nominations, and competition results.

    Enzo is all bark, no bite. This guy was probably cast for comedic value. He has no redeeming qualities and I think his most often used quote of the season during competitions is, "I just don't understand it!".

    Hayden is a stupid jock who can't keep his fingers out of his mouth. Every few minutes, he's sucking on his fingers, playing with his teeth, or talking about sports. His most often used statement in conversation is, "I don't know". I remember when he was in solitary confinement. He gave a remarkable soliloquy to the camera where he said, "I can talk about football all day. I can talk about baseball all day. MMA all day. I can talk about snowboarding all day. Give me a job".

    Matt poorly represents genuinely intelligent people. Matt probably fell into the .02% of people that accidentally guessed correctly on the tests required in order to get into MENSA. His upper lip is almost permanently fixed into the "I'm an asshole" position.

    Lane? I've nicknamed him, "Lame". Lame is a dick & booze type jock.

    Brendon is a pathetic co-dependent who, out of all the HGs, probably has the best chance of "winning". I put the word "winning" in quotation marks because that is code for "allowing production to fix the game so that Brendon wins".

    Britney had some real potential to be a game player this season, but her lazy eye took over and she is essentially the female version of Matt: Lying to everyone she talks to.

    Ragan was my hope for some level of excitement this season. Ah yes, the second failed saboteur. The darling of Allison Grodner's imagination. Unfortunately, Ragan failed at his task of committing 3 acts of sabotage per week, but was still given the 20k. How did he fail? During week 1 of his fake reign of terror, he said that he would accept the challenge of turning Brendon and Rachel against each other. Well as I tune in now, NeedleDick is still talking about how he misses and loves Rachel. So Ragan failed, but hey, who can turn down a melodramatic communications professor?

    Finally, we get to the member of the house that really won the season: Production. Production has done a terrific job this season letting all of the viewers know that she is the real winner. Production has influenced the outcome of competitions (i.e. Enzo, surfboard challenge, "it felt like someone pushed me legs off!") and broken nearly every rule in the BB rulebook (i.e. No writing is permitted in the BB house, unless you do it in pretzels, or AG gives you a written message to put under someone's pillow).

    The real winner of this season is Production. And I must conclude by mentioning the biggest liar of the entire season. This person lies to the viewing public almost every Thursday. Of course, I'm referring to Julie Chen. Julie always tells us that "you can follow the remainder of this competition at". I'm sorry Julie, but you are a liar. See, even if you subscribe to the feeds, you have trivia going for 37 minutes after the live show is over. When the feeds are turned back on, the competition is already over, fixed to its predetermined outcome (i.e. all of the HGs- "nobody was winning that PoV except Brendon).

  22. The funniest thing ever was when they were sitting around last night saying they were sure they would all be famous because theirs was the best season ever. I wish live feeds were interactive!

  23. I wish we could throw virtual tomatoes.

  24. How do you feel about the lack of enforcement on HaveNot violations, ala Enzo eating & not wearing penguin feet, etc. (Kristen got in trouble for not wearing her wig.) What's with Teflon Enzo?

  25. I really feel angry that Enzo has not been called out by BB for his obvious violations. I really can't stand him.. forget about his eating habits.. I have to fast forward anytime he is eating.. revolting.. any they think that they are going to be huge "celebreties" after this show.. really? I think NOT!
    Where's Lala? :(

  26. simon sent me but I can not stay this blog is too nasty, filthy and you are just TRYING too hard. You really are horrible

  27. what i want to know is.... are matt and enzo jacking off in front of all of us? as they spend 98% of the time touching their junk.