Yesterday someone, I won't say who (her name is STACKED), left a comment in the wee hours of the morn suggesting I sacrifice my prized leprechaun, Mr. O'Shaugnessy, in order to get Britney to nominate Hayden. It's not like Mr. O is worth his weight in gold or anything! Oh alright, so maybe he is, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna boil him up for the worst season of Big Brother ever! What you bitches don't seem to understand is that my leprechaun is a lot more than just someone I kick around now and again. He packs my opium, he stirs my gin, he holds my balls of yarn when I knit, and I'll have you know he's quite the lover. Mr. O can curl my toes like no other. You'd think he was an Argentinian polo player or a long haired romance novel cover model rather than a ornery tiny person with flaming red chest hair. I was actually considering bringing over some of Mr. O's brothers from Dublin to sell on eBay. I was gonna give you guys the opportunity to bid first before I opened up my auctions to the general public, but forget it now. I can just see the whole lot of you sadistic whores harming some of the beloved O'Shaugnessy clan for your own personal gain. Yes, leprechaun's are magical, but they can also be ruthless little monkeys if you don't treat them right.
I first found Mr. O while on a week long holiday in Ireland. I had just seen that movie Veronica Guerin and I wanted to go to Dublin to pretend I was Cate Blanchett sniffing out drug dealers. I had always loved Cate and thought I'd have no problem pretending to be a stubborn journalist while sporting a sassy new short haircut. I had practiced my brogue, packed my Michael Flatley DVD's and a couple bars of Irish Spring, and bought a giant cable knit sweater just for the occasion. I called everyone I met a "wee lassie" and I ate a lot meat packed stews. One day, while searching for Bono's house, I got lost and found myself in the middle of a giant field of peat. From my history lessons I knew that back in the olden timey days people were sacrificed in the magical bogs of peat. I'm not sure why, but I think it could have been for messing up in clogging class or something. So anyhow, there I was all alone with the wind in my hair when I started to weep. I just knew that some stray Gaelic speaking clansman was gonna see my cute self, claim me for his own, have his way with me, and then sacrifice me later in a weird ritualistic Druid ceremony I wouldn't understand one word of. I always knew I was gonna be a prized posession, but not to some hairy guy in a skirt who decorated with too many plaids.
Sad and hopeless I cried myself to sleep and awaited my fate. The next morning I awoke to find myself in a meticulous tree house that smelled like cookies and cabbage. I opened my eyes slowly to find a small red headed creature scurrying back and forth from the oven to the kitchen table. He was smoking a pipe and muttering to himself about his cookies not being chewy enough. I was at once scared yet fascinated. Who was this silly little man? Would he hurt me or just feed me well? Sensing me stirring in my bed made of hay he came over to me and smiled. He said, "'Ello wee lassie, ya fancy a smoke and a pint?" Why, it was the cutest thing I'd ever seen! I grabbed him by the neck, pulled him into bed with me, and we spent the next week doing unspeakable things with heads of cabbage. It was bliss. I brought him back to America with me and here we live happily ever after. So, no, no I will not sacrifice my leprechaun! It was fate that I found him in the first place. Let's recap, shall we?
Our pageant princess Britney seems to have herself a decision making problem. Should she put Matt or Hayden on the block? At first it seemed like there was no way in hell she'd put Matt up for eviciton. As soon as she'd won HOH she assured both Matt and Ragan that they were 100% safe. After Brendon won POV and ruined, well, everything, Britney became scared of making too many enemies. If she puts up Hayden, then Enzo, Lane, and Brendon will be mad at her. If she puts up Matt, Ragan will be mad at her. What's a girl to do?
First, you don't worry about who's gonna be mad at you. What the hell Britney?!? You're a tough chick. Make a decision and stick with it! Think it out logically. Do you really think the boys club on the other side of the house are going to keep you in this game for another week? Doesn't it strike you as odd that they never win anything? Also, wasn't Enzo talking shit about you just last week? Come on girl! Get it together.
The problem in why this decision is so damn hard for Britney is Lane. Look, I don't mind Lane. He's funny in his DR's and all that, but when you stop to think about it he really doesn't do much else. I rarely write about him in this very blog because he never does anything. He doesn't fight with people and he doesn't win shit. Basically, he is drama-less which means he's a big ole bore. I'm sure he's lovely in person and it must be fun to go shoot stuff with him, but in the game of Big Brother he's a ginormous beefy yawnfest. If he left tomorrow, I honestly can't say that the house wouldn't be any different. That's how insignificant he is. He floats in the pool, he lifts his weights, and he sleeps. That's about it. If he actually stood up to someone and made some power moves I might think differently, but for now he's inconsequential to my enjoyment of the game.
Actually, what the hell am I talking about? I hate this game. I hate it with every fiber of my being. It's work for me to watch the damn feeds anymore. I half ass it and go to onlinebigbrother.com instead to catch up on everything I missed. My house is clean, I sleep like 9 hours a night, I watch movies, I work, I paint exquisite flower pictures that may or may not look like vaginas... the point is, I'm getting an unusual amount of shit done for a Big Brother season. Usually, I'm up all night hunched over my laptop madly typing important notes I mustn't forget. I'd live off of canned goods and leftover crackers because I'd be too afraid to go to the grocery store and miss anything. I'd fight with idiots in the chat rooms because I'd be so passionate about who I was rooting for that I'd take it upon myself to defend them to the death. Now, instead, I lie in bed, watch Bravo shows, play 18 Words With Friends games at once, and check my Twitter for what's going on in the house. I search the dark cavernous recesses of my mind trying to find ways to make this blog interesting. Big Brother is so fucking boring that I choose to live in a fantasy world of ritual human sacrifice and fanciful mythical creatures rather than focus on game play. I'm gonna be honest with you guys, it is so hard for me to find any joy whatsoever in this season. The other day someone asked me, "So, what do you do, you watch the Feeds all day and write about them?" I replied, "No, I just make shit up." She said, "And people read that?" I said, "Yeah, you'd be surprised how many." She said, "Well, good for you." I sighed and shrugged my shoulders, "Yeah... good for me."
I HATE BIG BROTHER 12!!! Are you fucking listening to me Allison Grodner? Why the hell did you cast such boring idiots for me to write about? How you call yourself an Executive Producer of anything is beyond me. Your twists aren't going to save this damn season so enough already!Here's what I want you to do. I want you to hire an Israeli Commando and blow up the fucking house. Use some C4 or toilet paper dipped in gasoline. I don't care how you do it, just fucking do it. Put an end to this madness, fire Robyn Kass, fire yourself, and then hand the reins over to whomever is running the Bad Girls Club. If BB13 isn't All Stars 2, then I want a bunch of nutty broads who have no problem getting naked and punching each other in the face. If you can't manage to do that, then I want devices implanted into each of the HG's brains that make throwing competitions excruciatingly painful. Call NASA, the FBI, the CIA, the Vatican... someone somewhere must have the technology to make a small metal electronic genital zapper that can sense when an HG is about to throw a comp.
Better yet, why don't you just go ahead and visit a parole officer? Cast 13 ex-cons with violent pasts and let them all kill each other for the grand prize. Or you could do an Agatha Christie type thing where the HG's wake up to find another HG murdered in their bed. Houseguests would have to figure out who the killer is or else end up dying a tragic death. Maybe have a Gladiator season. With the overwhelming success of Spartacus: Blood and Sand, gladiators are very hot right now. Cast a bunch of big beefy guys and let them fight to the death. Maybe for POV they can wrestle with a lion or something. We'll call the show Big Brother Ludus and they'll wear nothing but loin cloths for 10 weeks. If that's impossible because PETA will throw a big tantrum over the whole lion thing, then might I suggest Big Brother: Drag Queen Version? You get 14 bitchy drag queens who have innovative ways of turning a phrase (shit like "throwing shade" or just randomly shouting "gorgonzola!") and let them have run of the house for the summer. You wouldn't even need to have big dramatic competitions. Just let them hurl "Yo Mama" insults to one another in the backyard and the last one left standing wins. Look AG (and CBS), I've given you some amazing suggestions for how to bring this show back to life. I want you to call me, hire me, and we'll make this happen.
OK I'm sorry about all that. I've been holding this shit in for weeks now and I just needed to let loose. I'm not stopping the blog or anything like that. I'd never do that to you guys. I'll continue to cover this travesty. I just wanted it in writing how much this season makes me want to hurl myself out of a window and land face first onto a rusty spike.
So yeah, Britney can't make a decision about Matt. Matt convinced her to keep him, then Lane convinced her to dump him, then Ragan convinced her to keep him again, then Hayden convinced her to dump him again. I don't know if Britney is really this wishy washy and easily swayed or if she's already made her decision and is just playing everyone. If you remember a few days ago she lied to Brendon telling him how hard it was for her to make a decision about who to nominate. I'm hoping she's doing something similar to that now. I'm hoping that she's already got it fixed in her mind that she's going to put up Hayden and stick tight with her pals Matt and Ragan. If she keeps Enzo in this game, then I fear her days are numbered. If I'm left having to recap this shit with only Bra-gade members in the house, I'm gonna get Ophelia on everyone's ass and fall into a brook and "accidentally" drown. Instead of handing out rue, the herb of regret, I'll eat it myself and shrivel up my insides while dying a slow and painful foaming at the mouth death while lying in a creek 12 inches deep. Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do.
So, how do you think Britney will nominate today? Do you think she's playing everyone and she already knows very well what's she's gonna do? How will you take your own life if we're stuck with all Bra-gade members for the final weeks? Comment it out bitches and have a great day! No blog tomorrow. Something suddenly came up.
One more thing: Please check out the hippetard up for auction over at eBay. It's the one cool item from this season. Kristen is even throwing in the wig! Pretty awesome. Bid HERE.