Saturday, August 28, 2010

The Celestine Curse

Trolls, gremlins, rodents, douchebags... these are things that mess up Happy Land. Happy Land is a big dewy meadow located west of Hidden Valley (you know, the place with the ranch dressing). It's filled with wildflowers, butterflies, poppies, and precious fawns leaping over strategically placed stones and tree trunks. It's a magical place where all the mythological creatures of lore hang out and party. On a typical day in Happy Land, it's completely normal to go down to the stream filled with vodka and maybe pass a unicorn nibbling on grass or Dionysis feeding himself grapes. At the crystal waterfall, mermaids help the valkyries bathe while a dragon heats up the night's meal. It truly is a "happily ever after". For the past 85 weeks (yes, it feels that long), Happy Land has had a giant black cloud over it. With that cloud came evil grotesque beings who stunk up the place and made the satyrs not want to play their pipe flutes. Normally, the satyrs would play, the nymphs would dance, and an orgiastic celebration of nature would ensue. Summer in Happy Land should be a fun time. It should be glitter and fairies and giggling and marshmallows. Instead it was balls and boasting and sweaty crotches and giant neander-talls. Thankfully though, the madness is over and the annoying are gone. Matt had squeezed all the power he could out of his teeny tiny testicles and Brendon had whined his last exhausting whine. The brook began to babble again and a rainbow started to leak Skittles. Happy Land is almost back to normal. Let's recap, shall we?

Sorry about yesterday. I just didn't have too much to say and the thought of trying to force something out was exhausting. Yes, I'm thrilled with how Thursday played out. Ragan stepped up to the plate and I clapped and giggled like a "special" child watching a ball bounce. Matt was douchetastic as he sat hunched over on that couch and threw fist pump after fist pump into the air. Dude, you're not DMX. You're not Eminem. You're a tiny little delusional man child who's not the least bit cool. If you look at the Coolness Chart you'll see Matt ranked somewhere near Jon Gosselin and that guy who played Potsie on Happy Days. Brendon wasn't much better. He started out nice and normal and then he'd say something completely ridiculous having to do with Rachel and all normalcy would fly out the window. So yeah, I'm glad they're both gone. I was about sick of them anyways.

Lane is now HOH and all I can think is "What took you so long?". I'm not impressed it took him 8 weeks to pull out a victory and come to life. It's all a bit "too little too late" for me at this point. What's worse is that Lane is also looking out for Hayden. If Lane was smart, he'd pack the jury with Bra-gade members and take someone like Ragan or Britney with him to the Final 2. You know Rachel and Brendon sure as hell aren't voting for Ragan or Britney to win. Lane could potentially have a clean sweep in the final 2 if he took someone not so likable with him. Instead he wants to take shaggy no lipped Hayden. I think out of all the people left in the house Hayden is the one I want to win the least. Yes, that means I'm putting Enzo one notch above him. There's something about Hayden that strikes me as very selfish and dismissive. The way he treated Kristen for one. The speed in which he abandons his alliance at the first sign of danger is another. I think most of all it's the contentment he has in letting everyone else do the dirty work for him. Hell, even Enzo at least tries to win comps. Sure, he sucks at life and all that, but he's at least trying. The only time Hayden tries is when he has to and that bugs me. Also, if you look back over the entire summer, what has Hayden done that's been entertaining? I don't know about you, but I'm coming up with a goose egg. His preoccupation with how the public views him has turned him into a paranoid and uninteresting houseguest. Rewarding boring with a half a million dollars is nauseating.

Enzo is another story. He's under some misguided fantasy that Big Brother 12 is going to make him famous. I ask you, who out of all the past houseguests is what you can honestly call "famous"? None of them. Dr. Will isn't famous. My mother wouldn't know who the hell he was if he walked down the street. Evel Dick likes to think he's famous, but what the hell has he done that's worthwhile over the past 3 years? Ass Licker is a joke who has to take her clothes off and sleep around to get any attention whatsoever. Steven has sex for money and Chelsia hosts a show anyone can produce with a lightbulb and a camera. Big Brother will not make you a star. You'll be a name amongst feedsters, but that's really about it. Enzo's delusions about going on Howard Stern and thinking some random movie producer sitting at home is gonna cast him in his next big blockbuster are completely ludicrous. People hire professionals to act or sell their products not some douchebag on a summer reality show. Reality show fame is not the same as movie fame or musician fame. The only way someone can parlay Big Brother into something substantial is to have a prior talent/skill that can be honed and developed. The prior HG's making money all had backgrounds in their prospective fields. Will was a doctor and Boogie was a club/restaurant owner. Enzo is an insurance claims adjuster. Is he really going to up and move his family to L.A. to star in Goodfellas 2? Uh, no. Like all his "we gotta win this yo", Enzo is nothing more than talk. Annoying, delusional, fantastical talk.

The fact that Enzo thinks Scorcese is sitting at home watching Showtime and planning his next great opus around him is nothing short of lunacy. The fact that he thinks millions of people will buy Meow Meow t-shirts makes me want to get Nurse Ratched on the phone. What Enzo needs is a strong thorazine drip and some intensive daily therapy... preferably the kind with 2 electric pads on either side of his skull and an Austrian at the helm. When all this is said and done, he should go to Vegas, have fun, make a couple grand doing Real Player interviews, and then go back to Jersey and raise his kid. The bar tour and the t-shirt empire are not gonna happen and the sooner he realizes that, the happier he'll be.

The whole fame thing has always been one of my biggest problems with the Bra-gade. From the second they stepped into the house, they began planning their speeches for their Hollywood Walk Of Fame ceremony. Ragan and Britney have none of these delusions of grandeur and, as a result, will probably go on to lead very successful happy lives. Britney is smart, educated, and well-traveled. She'll get married, have some kids, and enjoy the occasional "Hey, weren't you on that tv show?" for the rest of her life. Ragan will go back to Academia, his podcasts will see a burst in listeners, and he'll continue to write thought provoking and interesting poetry. Big Brother will simply be an experience they'll look back on fondly.

OK so Lane has nominated Ragan and Enzo for eviction. The plan being to get Ragan out of the house. If Ragan wins POV, Lane will put Britney up citing that he can't go against his "boy" Hayden. The likelihood of Enzo going home is still a strong possibility though. For some reason, Hayden and Lane are convinced that Enzo can win the whole thing because he's so well-liked. If that means they'll vote him out, then great, go with that logic. What do I care? Enzo aurally raped me yesterday by eating beef jerky and I'm all traumatized and showering nonstop over it. The faster we get rid of him, the better. For 48 hours now all he's done is bitch and moan over how he hasn't won anything. He's not studying, he's not practicing, he's not going over the photos on the wall... he sits around eats with his mouth open and complains about how much he sucks. Look, Enzo, we already know you suck. You will never win anything. You're the only person to make both creative visualization and the law of attraction null and void. When you put something out into the universe it spontaneously combusts and comes back to Earth in the form of bird poop. You're the anti-Stephen Covey, the not Tony Robbins, the nuh uh Oprah moment. You're the 7 Habits Of Highly Moronic People, the Go Ahead And Sweat The Small Stuff, and the Celestine Curse. Enzo would bring a chill to sweat lodges and fart his way through a meditation retreat. He's everything self-help is not.

Ragan, on the other hand, is a studying fool! He knows he has to win this POV and he's going to prepare as much as he possibly can to do so. He's studied the faces on the wall backwards and forwards, he's memorized what happened on which day, and I'm pretty sure he's counted every single fiber of carpet in the house. He has spent hour after hour going over and over everything Big Brother. His studying paid off in the last POV comp and I'd be very surprised if it doesn't help him out again today. If Big Brother continues wanting the power to flip like it has all season long, then I'm predicting some sort of memory based game for the POV. BB always tries to twist things to whatever will create the most drama and Ragan staying in this house another week will do just that.

Another way Big Brother is trying to up the drama is with Pandora's Box. Lane opened it yesterday and claims that 3 bad things will be unleashed on the house. He says he got ninety some dollars out of it and it's all really very sketchy. All I know is that BB has taken away all the glasses and untensils and HG's are now drinking coke out of bowls and milk out of the container. I'm sure it's an inconvenience and all that, but to smarty pants viewers like me it's simply a desperate measure to create more drama. These last 2 weeks will be relatively drama free. Count on that. It's always boring when BB winds down, but this cast makes it even extra boring. It's going to be a lot of laying around and general uninspiring chitchat. I honestly don't know how I'll blog about it. I'll try my best to do it daily and make something up, but don't get pissed if I miss a day or two here and there. You can't force inspiration and the muses just aren't molesting me like they used to. I'll draft a very angry letter to the Fates and see if I can get my mojo back. I'll come up with something creative. You know me, when in doubt - make shit up. To be quite honest, I can't wait for this all to be over with and for Survivor to start. Make sure you bookmark and follow my Bitchy Survivor Blog so you don't miss any of the drama. I'll start posting my cast first impressions in the beginning of September.

So, what do you think of the nominations? Do you think Ragan and Britney have a chance to both stay or has Britney completely crossed over to the douche side? Does Howard Stern have the foggiest idea who Enzo is? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


  1. If this blog were in a college textbook, I'd yellow highlight it and write "This is so true!!!" in the margins with little hearts dotting the "i"'s.

    Why these desperate model/actress/actor/VIP-Cocktail-Waitress wannabes think going on a reality TV show is a good way to further their soon-to-be abandoned show biz careers has always baffled me. BB has an audience of, what, 8 mil on a good night, made up mostly of fanatics like us and cat ladies drooling over the Jeffs and Brendons. Really, other than Elizabeth what's-her-face on the View, what reality star has gone on to even minimum fame and fortune (shaving commercials and porn don't count)? A couple of the hotter females may make a bit of cash posing for Playboy (Rachel's next naked ambition, no doubt), but other than that, the only notoriety these boneheads receive are newspaper headlines for the occasional drug bus, wife/girlfriend beating, or tax evasion.

  2. Ugh, thank you for making this season slightly bearable. I have only been watching since BB9 but this season is by far the worst. I almost want another bonus season of BB like they did 2 years ago. They owe us something for this craptastic season! I truly believe you have it pegged that Matt screwed everything up in week three, what a different season it would have been if things had played out differently. The only reason I am still watching at this point is to see firsthand what you talk about in your blog and laugh at the idiots that are left.

    -Missjavagirl aka one of those babymakers from BBC

  3. I don't know if Britney has completely crossed over to doucheland yet... but my magic 8 ball says Outlook Not Good when I ask if Britney wins POV will she take Ragan off the block. Damn!

    As far as Howard Stern knowing who Enzo (or any of those Yahoos) is, I severely doubt it. My local stations have no clue (I know quite a few radio personalities here since I was in radio for awhile). Most of my friends don't - and the ones that do went from loving Enzo to muting the tv when they see him... myself and boyfriend included.

    Did you catch 9pm BBT the Penguin "shunning" ceremony? Oh just gag me. They aren't funny when they try... just accidentally are they funny. One more peev... the house is continuously using the word SHUN wrong. My eyes roll every time. The only time they got close to using it correctly was when Enzo took off the Penguin suit and said they were going to shun it and never look at it again. I said they got CLOSE.

    Thanks again for the blog! I don't watch the feeds as often now and even delete BBAD without watching when I see not much happening in Jokers. I am so glad this season is almost over. I look forward to your Bitchy Survivor Blog.

  4. I am done with the feeds & showtime. I dont thik any of these dicks deserve, ro should be rewarded with any more money than they already have gotten. There can be fun end-weeks, like BB10 with Dan & Memphis being kids and playing games and having fun and jokes, or there can be truly ugly end-weeks like BB9 (but at least BB9 had awesome & drama & fights before the knuckle-dragging drug pushers took over the end)

    Thing is, Lane's phone call from home proclaiming that the whole city is rooting for him & Brigade just made things worse. I am from Ft Worth. Lived here all my miserable life. Lane comes from a super, super rich family of oilmen, and he's playing up the hick card big time. His mom telling him there are signs everywhere? BULLSHIT. Ft worth is like the 7th biggest city in the US, and no one knows, nor cares, about BB. Especially not someone like Lane who makes us look like knuckle dragging neandrethals (no pun intended). But the BS Lane's mom served up only puffed up those guys' egos more... as if it needed doing. Maybe in the rich, fancy restraunts and fancy, gated-in communities where Lane has lived his privileged life they are rooting for him, but I sincerily doubt that. Those people are too busy counting their money, even in this economy.

    So, yeah, thanks Lane's mom for puffing up these assholes egos even more with your LIES.

  5. so sad that your muses have up and skedaddled (that word is actually in spell check. wow.) i hate this season.

  6. I almost bought the feeds and am sure glad I didn't. Between the sheer boredom of the delusional Brigade and the what seems like constant bubble screens from the fish tank, what's the point of buying them? At this point I'm much more entertained by reading this blog to see what's going on and checking in on twitter from time to time.

    Hopefully Regan wins POV this week and wins either POV or HOH the rest of the way or we get the pain of watching this bunch of spineless clowns(the Brigade)see who can throw the competitions the best. Poor Britt is in for a rude awakening if she thinks the Brigade is going to allow her to reach final 3. The only way Lane keeps her is if she puts out like a coke machine, otherwise she's gone.

    I hope Regan or Britt make the final 2 because at least they know and respect BB and have been trying to win, not back into the win.

    StoneColdDawg on twitter

  7. Thanks Piper for your insight on Lane's world. Interesting!!

    I am so sick of hearing about how they think this is the best BB ever, and how Enzo thinks their DR are so much better than any past seasons and blah..blah..blah!! Ugh! They have the money already assigned to the Brigade members. I pray for the day I see Enzo in the last minutes of the entire season as Julie announces who won the $25,000 for fan favorite and ANYONE else is called, the look on his face will be worth...well something joyful for me!
    this season sucks..
    Thank you, Lala, for keeping us going!

  8. I'm done with BBAD. Now they show 5 mins of fish and 5 mins of Enzo slurping his food in a constant loop. I can't.

    I don't blame you for skipping out. This season sucks. Personally this season is a good representative for 2010. Just sayin'

    Looking forward to whatever you make up in the next two weeks!

  9. OK CoLa baby here goes. Thank god those two idiots are gone from the house, could not stand another second of them. Can't wait for Matt to tell the red devil how Brandong picked Brit to be attached to for 24 hours.
    As to Enzyme please go home, soon. Best BB ever, lol. Enzyme eat my gym socks. Can't wait for your staring role in Raging Bullshit, part two, sure Scorcese is working on the script as we speak.
    Brit please wake up, your our only people along with Jedi Regan, grasshopper. Girl just watch out for the limp snakes all around you.
    I am also having trouble finding anything to say about these bitches. Thank God for you CoLa, only thing holding us together this summer.
    Well bring on Survivor and come on Jimmy Johnson, lets here it for the old guys.
    Kisses to you CoLa, ty for giving us as many days as you do, it really is hard to watch this season any more.

  10. Love the blog as usual but I am noticing a trend that is starting to concern me. You seem to be mentioning and/or showing pictures of a former HG aptly named Ass Licker. I am a little worried about your obsession and I am wonder if we your loyal readers need to stage an intervention or maybe just cast a spell or three. I know this season is boring but do you need to keep bringing in someone who has had her 15 mintues and now just has to get over it. If you keep this up she'll never go away.

  11. Let's start a campaign.
    All of BBAD $$ should be diverted to CoLa's website for this season. Much more entertaining than the season from the morgue.