Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Grody Stinky Balls

There have been a great many grand sweeping windy love stories throughout time. Romeo & Juliet, Rhett & Scarlett, Paris & Helen, Stanley & Stella, Phoebe & Cole, Tristan & Isolde, Lizzie & Darcy... the list goes on and on. They capture our hearts and give us hope that there's a meaning to all the madness and everyday crap we go through. They make the moon sparkle, our loins quiver, and have us wondering more often than not, "What the hell am I doing with this dolt lying next to me? I need a Cole or a Scarlett in my life." Yes, romance is powerful and beautiful and sprinkled in fairy dust and dipped in chocolate and all the rest of it. There is but one downfall to a great love affair... the scorned lover. *shivers* There is nothing quite as unpredicatable or as scary as a scorned lover. You could come home one day and find your clothes thrown willy nilly all over the front lawn or your bunny boiling in a pot. There is truly no telling just how far a scorned lover will go. They may tell your friends all your dirty bedroom secrets or post naked photos of you on the internet or maybe they just sit in a corner flicking a lamp on and off and quietly seethe. Those are the scariest in my opinion - the quiet cerebral ones who systematically search for ways to destroy you. Their approach is subtle and skilled. They may not skin your cat or cut the crotches out of all your underwear; instead, they'll start a rumor... a slow festering puss filled rumor that'll creep about slowly infecting everyone who comes into contact with it. Yup, it's definitely the liars you have to look out for. And right about now I'm thinking that the incorrectly self proclaimed diabolical super genius is one such person. Let's recap, shall we?

Before we get to the collapsed love affair of Ragan & Matt, let us address the big controversy that's taken over the internet: Enzo ate food. *gasps as thunder rumbles in the distance* Twitter fans and angry blog commenters alike have taken it upon themselves to grab their placards, charter buses, and organize marches on Washington (thanks Creme!) for the liberation of the justification of the beautifcation of the "We Love Matt" movement... or something like that. Matt fans everywhere furiously punched CBS phone numbers into their iPhone's and left lengthy angry voicemails. Sit-ins were organized, boycotts were planned, and innocent penguins were murdered - one on the hour every hour - until Enzo got his due. You see, the Penguin himself has taken to stuffing food into the belly of his costume and whipping it out to enjoy a tasty treat when he thinks he's going unnoticed. First off, Enzo is a fucking moron. He's been living in a house of cameras for the past 300 days (it feels that long so just go with it) and he truly thinks he can slip something past Big Brother. Look, you guys, Big Brother has a team of P.A.'s watching this shit around the clock and documenting every single thing that goes on. They know Enzo cheated. They know exactly what's going on and you know what? They really don't seem to care. Manipulation is one of Big Brother's most popular traits. Big Brother is supposed to play with the minds of the people he's controlling. Not to get too Orwellian, but "Big Brother" is, in fact, omniscient and always correct. If BB wants Enzo to get off without a penalty, then Enzo will get off without a penalty. I'm not sure that rioting in the streets and tweeting (what are most likely incorrect phone numbers) are really going to change anything. It's happened in past seasons where HG's have snuck food in the bathrooms and have gone unpunished. Jen got punished on BB8 because she made a big dramatic to-do about it and did it out in the open purposely flauting BB's laws. I don't know. I just think it's kind of funny that a flurry of fans who absolutely hate it when BB interferes are now, essentially, begging for BB to interfere. Get over yourselves. It's a game. Furthermore, Matt will not fall in love with you when he gets out of the house. Deal with it.

OK so back to the task at hand. Ragan is all pissed off because Matt, his in-house bestie and lover, actually suggested to Britney that Ragan go up on the block in his place. Knowing that his confidant and paramour was so willing to turn on him has basically destroyed Ragan's belief in good and evil, right and wrong, and hot and cold. It never even entered Ragan's mind that the one guy he's shared long lazy convos in the hammock with could be so heartless and uncaring. I feel bad for Ragan. I know what it's like to put your trust into someone only to have them turn into a total asshole and betray you. People like that are insecure, jealous, and probably rotting inside being eaten alive by their own hate. Matt strikes me as one such person. I say this because even in the wake of his nomination, he's still sprinkling mentions of his poor diseased wife into conversation... conversations with Ragan no less! If anything, I thought he'd apologize and fess up in an effort to avoid the post-BB hate that's bound to come. Or at least I thought he'd nix mentioning Stacey when he knows very well that the truth will destroy Ragan even more. Never in my wildest dreams did I think Matt would continue to pursue, and use, the diseased wife lie.

The diabolical super genius is in fact an insecure selfish guy desperate for fame. This isn't his first reality show and I have a feeling, if he has it his way, it won't be his last. Maybe his mother didn't hug him enough or he didn't get laid a lot in college. I'm not sure, but something somewhere went wonky in his upbringing and it's resulted in his testicles being a security blanket. Am I the only one who finds that habit of his to be really fucking disgusting? He touches things in the house all the time! The kitchen counters, door handles, weights, the HOH remote control, an innocent Sprite bottle... everything in that damn house is covered in Matt's penis! Imagine if a chick sat around with her hand down her pants all the time. She'd be labeled a perv and Francis Farmer'd into a lobotomy. Ok maybe not a lobotomy, but my view of mental institutions is very 1940's and filled with bizarre operations, unfeeling nurses, and all sorts of electrical probes. The point I'm making is that Matt's hand down the pants is not charming, it's not cute, and it's not funny. It's a nasty hotel comforter black light health hazard. If I was in that house I'd demand gloves and a giant tub of those Lysol disinfectant wipes. What's even more nauseating is that Matt's nasty little habit is actually contagious. Now, Enzo lies around with his hand on his junk and I'm pretty sure garlicky olive-oiled Jersey junk on the sliding glass door handle is enough to make anyone never want to go outside again. No wonder that house smells! It's akin to living nestled next to a fat man's balls in tight one size too small jockeys. Yuck!

So Ragan is devastated. He's burned all the love poems, scattered the ashes into the wind, and has decided there's no way in hell he's ever gonna vote for Matt to stay or win this game. Ragan is also pissed off that he ever bothered to campaign for that little douchebag when he was on the block. Worse still, Matt is now using Ragan's campaigning last week against him. He's telling the others that he never asked Ragan to do that and that Ragan is clearly someone who can't be trusted. As if Ragan's back doesn't have enough steel blades lodged into it, Matt has now taken to using Ragan as a sacrificial lamb in an effort to save himself. Matt tells Hayden that Ragan's real targets are Hayden and Enzo not Brendon. He promises that if he stays in the game, he'll deliver all of Ragan's info to the Bra-gade. He's BG for life. *smacks chest and flashes gang sign* Matt goes on to tell Lane that Ragan is no longer the soft and emotional gay puppy who could be manipulated. Now, he's a rabid dog lusting to infect innocent bystanders. Matt wants Lane or Atticus Finch to take him out. If they can't shoot him, then maybe they should start studying harder. Matt advises Lane that Ragan knows that house inside and out and that the Bra-gade need to get their shit together and start memorizing.

Lane listens to everything Matt says and just kind of nods. Matt senses that he's not be taken seriously so he clutches at more some straws and says that he thinks Ragan now has a side alliance with Enzo and Britney. LOL That's funny. Worst. Lie. Ever. Enzo can't stand Britney and Ragan. Matt, of all people, should know that Lane's not gonna buy a lie like that. It's sad and fascinating at the same time to witness the unraveling of one Mr. Matt Hoffman. To Ragan's face he's apologetic, sweet, and saying he wants to go gay clubbing with him (of course he does), then behind his back he's calling him crazy, unpredictable, and scary. If he had a brain cell in his head rather than in his pants, he'd just out the Bra-gade already, get Ragan and Brendon to vote for him to stay, and have Britney break the tie and keep him in the house. It's logical, smart, and actually possible to pull off. This alternative of slandering Ragan and inventing phony alliances isn't going to get Matt anywhere at all. He's too transparent to pull it off. He should just stick with the truth (the Bra-gade), the people who were his closest friends (Ragan and Britney), and work his ass off to stay another week.

Later on in the night we find a semi-paranoid Hayden. Look, Hayden's not a bad guy per se, I just have a huge problem with the way he's playing this game. He turns on his alliances faster than you can say "Kristen" and it strikes me as slightly creepy. I'm pretty sure there's a way to play this game without betraying your best friends and lovers in the house. Instead of winning and taking control of his own BB experience, Hayden is happy to let everyone else do the dirty work for him as long as he stays off the block. The only game he's playing consists of asking everyone who they'd vote to win in the Final 2. He takes that info and uses it to create side alliances. Lucky for him, it's working so far and, regretfully, I can see him winning the whole kit and caboodle. It's like another Jordan winning. Sure, she won the money, but she got to the end not by her own devices. She got to the end by being carried there and having a jury who voted emotionally rather than strategically. She's a half a mil richer, but I don't respect her for it and I never will. I won't respect Hayden for a BB12 win either. Actually, the only people I can respect winning this season right now are Britney and Ragan. They're not flawless, but they're the only ones, besides Kristen, who've stood up for what they believed in. I respect their balls. It's as simple as that.

So, can the Ragan/Matt love affair ever be mended? How insane-o do you think Ragan will go when he finds out that Matt lied about his wife's disease? Do you think Matt should out the Bra-gade and tell Brendon the truth as to what's really going on? How many Hazmat teams will it take to clean that BB house from top to bottom? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Don't forget to check out the most exciting BB eBay auction ever! Kristen's hippietard is killing it! Check it out and bid HERE.


  1. Yeah, I want to punch Matt in the fucking face. He can't seem to do much of anything right except pull himself off the block, and laze around the BB house with his fucking hand on his junk. It's a shame really, I thought he'd be a better player.

    I want to hug Ragan, poor dude.

  2. Matt's gameplay makes no freaking sense. He KNEW last week the boys were going to vote him out. That's when he should have outed the Brigade, formed an alliance with Brit, Ragan and *gasp* Brendon.

    It's too little too late now. Even if he outs the Brigade today, no one will believe him. Too bad, so sad, don't let the door split ya where the Good Lord split ya.

    I could have overlooked the lie about Stacy as gameplay in the beginning, but now it's pathetic, much like Matt himself.

    I do hope that Ragan, Brit and Brendon catch on to the Brigade and out those ridiculous losers. It sucks that now I think even Bitch Boy would be a better alternative than Lane, Hayden and Enzo. But I'm a Brit fan to the end. Gotta love the mean girl.

    BTW, the only way to make sure that house is clean is to "nuke the site from orbit, it's the only way to be sure."

  3. You're in rare form today. You spelled it all out perfectly. Except Jordan...I do respect her for using her money to buy her family a house, and then going back to finish school, instead of trying to milk her 15 minutes. I think she's genuinely a nice person. I'm not arguing with you about her game, though.

    I think Matt's only chance is outing the Brigade, and I've been wondering why he hasn't yet...and I've come to the conclusion that he's waiting to do it at the last minute, so that they don't have time to scramble and get into Britney and Ragan's heads. It still might not work, because I'm not sure anyone believes anything he says anymore. But I think that's what he's got up his sleeve. If he doesn't, then I'm very disappointed in him.

    My favorite line of the blog today: "Knowing that his confidant and paramour was so willing to turn on him has basically destroyed Ragan's belief in good and evil, right and wrong, and hot and cold." and cold. Genius.

  4. Really? You could live with Ragan, the ultimate hypocrite, winning? He only "stood up for what he believed" because he is a BULLY, the thing he supposedly hates. He didnt do it because he believed in it.

    He said it a couple of nights ago... talking shit about Rachel is the only way he can feel good about himself. I cant respect someone like that.

    Whoever wins ths season, its gonna suck. NONE of these assholes have the balls to stand up for something, the only ones that did were voted out 1st, 3rd, and arguably 4th (K wasnt willing to stand up or be in her human form for anything until Andrew outed her. If that hadnt happened, she'd be floating along just like all the others).

    I personally cannot WAIT for Ragan to find out about the sick wife lie. As a parapledgic who takes care of her ather, who has cancer AND a REAL rare disease called ankylosing spondylitis, I or any other person with a family member would never guilt-trip someone like this. Especially if it was fruitless and only gonna get me in more hot water. People with real issues dont go around constantly trying to emotionally blackmail someone (at least, most of us dont), and people like Matt make life harder on those of us who suffer in silence. I really tried to keep my personal feelings separate, but this week its become impossible. FUCK. HIM.

    And fuck all the minions who will follow him and fawn all over him on twitter for years to come because this ittle bitch will never be able to move on from the game, like some former HGs who were hated in the house, but the second the deign to speak to soeone on twitter and the twit thinks they have a REAL showbiz friend and print out all the tweets from each other and post them on their wall like 17yr olds... OK. I will stop now.

    But yeah, the gist of this post was supposed to be essentially: none of them have balls, none of them deserve the prize, fuck Ragan, and seriously FUCK MATT.

  5. lala you have a way of putting things into perspective that no other BB fan has. in fact, i'm going to carry a bottle of sanitizer around for a week just because. ewww.

    i actually thought a plausible scenario for matt was to out himself to the whole house as a liar (about his wife) and play the "no one will vote for me because i am scum, take me to the end" card. and then use the ol' reverse logic during his final speech (just playing the game blah blah.) that way he goes out in a blaze of gunfire and saves the embarrassment of having to come clean later on. but what you suggested sounds better and more feasible. either way, he's not going to do it and i'm actually thankful he's going to be gone. if enzo followed hard and fast (hand on balls, perplexed enzo-look on his unshaven face) i would be ecstatic.

    i'm actually rooting for ragan from here on out. i can't stand any of these people but he seems the most sincere. not that he IS sincere, but compared to these assholes he's sincere.

    i knew the first two couples you listed but i was lost after that. fyi i would kick that tramp scarlett out of my bed faster than you could say "the yankees are coming." love you colette.

  6. Creme - I dont think he will ever out the Brigade. For once he is in with the Boyz Club, and he will stay with them to his doom out of his deluded belief that they hae accepted him as one of them.

  7. I think Matt could turn it around if he outs the Brigade today. The only reason I want him to do that is because it will be difficult for Britney and Ragan to stay without him. Not impossible but very difficult in a stars-must-align-perfectly kind of way.

    One good thing came out of the Matt/Ragan break up: Ragan has stopped crying! Thank the LORD! I couldn't take much more Matt inspiring weeping from Ragan - it was almost as bad as that one time on BB11 when Jessie died and they held a wake around the kitchen table.

    Ragan will lose all faith in humanity once he finds out the depths of Matt's deception. I feel bad for him. Hope he has a good therapist lined up.

    BB fans kill me with this tweeting/calling CBS thing. Someone also suggested calling the FCC Really? Involving the authority because Enzo had a snacky snack seems a bit much. Y'all, it's just a game. And yes they manipulate it. And thank God, too. Can you imagine how boring it would be if they didn't?

  8. Nicely done, as usual. I jumped off the Matt bandwagon when he turned on Ragan. His only hope was to out the brigade but I think you were exactly right when you said he still wants the cool kids to like him so he refuses to face reality. They TOLD him they were voting him out last week. If that didn't make him see the light, nothing will. I hope Ragan and Brittany make it to the end. I do think they will have the advantage in the comps because what is left of the mighty Brigade suck at everything. Useless whiney bastards. Thanks for the awesome blog!

  9. Just Ragan will be disillusioned at the end of this season? He'd best have that therapist's number ready for Enzo, Britney, and Brendon, too.

    I'm intrigued by Creme's theory that Matt wants to wait until the last minute to out the brigade. But I'm not seeing that he's on to them. I think he really thinks that they are weighing their options.

    When do applications for BB13 go out? I may not win, but damnit, I'd be entertaining. If I were Matt, tables would be tossed, comfortable moments ruined, and names called. they wouldn't come into the backyard when I was on the block. I'd be a fight waiting to happen. Oh, the expletives they'd have to cover up for the show.

    *Considers applying*

  10. Good work today...yesterday I kept refreshing the blog through the night hoping you'd surprise me and I'd see some clever new title...but no. It didn't happen. Where do you get off getting me addicted to this shit and then having life? You are a sucky ass dealer.
    I think by now everyone who knows me knows that I hate Ragan. Ok. BUT I am a human being. And I do feel bad for him. Matt has really used him and its kinda disturbing. But then I watch the feeds and see Ragan planning his famewhoreing strategies and being delusional about how far his fame will take him and I hate him again. But then I feel bad again because he's so naive and he wears it on his sleeve..and its ok for him to be a jackass, but its not as ok for Matt to use his jackass detector and exploit him. Ah whateves. this season sucks anyway.


  11. I feel terrible for Ragan. When he emerged from the DR after the Matt thing, Matt asked him if he was ok and he said "I guess I forgot this was a game. Thank you for reminding me." After I read that this morning (catching up) I felt just awful for him. The only reason I want Matt to stay now, is to be a number Ragan can count on to help him get further. Alas I think Matt is not as bright as people are speculating and to repeat an obnoxious phrase "It is what it is". Britany's has also jumped ship against Ragan. He has been betrayed and is completely alone. Poor guy.

  12. Thank you for saying what so many of us are thinking . I'm half afraid to say anything anti Matt for fear of his rabid fans freaking out on me (I'm a wuss who hates drama...I'd be the type of BB player you all hate which is why I prefer to stay home and watch other people's drama and keep it out of my own life). I have not cared for Matt since I found out he was on another reality show ... to me that equals famewhore automatically. He has a Napolean complex and needs to get off my tv NOW! I hope they all hate him when the season's over. He's clearly not thinking about All Stars either because everyone will know what a slimeball he is from the beginning. Is he going to come up with a new disease and expect people to believe it? Who will it be next time? His mom or unborn child? What a creep. If Britney, Ragan, and/or Brendan make final 2 they have my support because I think it'll take a miracle to pull that off at this point.

    -holds up rally sign-
    DEION FOR BB13!!

  13. I HATE Enzo. He eats food and he does NOT wear his costume as he's supposed to. Yes, BB does manipulate BUT it's not fair if they allow outright cheating -- not fair to the viewers and not fair to the contestants. . .and it just makes it into a completely fixed show. Enzo is 10 million x worse than Matt for all the smack-talking, do-nothing, paranoia-creating, rule-breaking crap he's been doing in the house for weeks. Enzo doesn't just have his hands down his pants -- he actively plays with his own personal pool balls...yuck. Plus, Enzo is a pretty ugly f*ck with delusions of grandeur -- please please squash that little bug.

  14. Is it wrong that I have the urge to put MY hands on Matt's junk? For some reason, I find him very cute.

    Hey, what can I say? I like the way his pecs show between his open hoodie. Just. Really. Hot.

    I know, I know. I hate myself for it, too. He is an ass.

  15. Lala! You are a joy! Thank you so much for putting a smile on my face every day. Hugs!

    Piper, I am with you about Matt. As a nurse, Matts lie about his wife literally makes me nauseous.

    I don't watch the feeds so I rely on Lala's interpretations. I still like Ragan at this point(his DRs are hilarious) but the next few shows may change my mind, depending on how CBS spins it. My vote is for Ragan and Brit final two.

    Froglady loves LALA!

  16. *picking myself up off the floor from hysterical laughter* You DO have a way with words. I just would love to be there when Enzo finds out that NO - They're NOT gonna make a movie about him and YES he's gonna have to get a job, cause no one is gonna follow him throwing $$$ at him when he 'goes on tour'

  17. ok bitches here is my take. First i am only following any of this crap season for love of CoLa, she is the only this good about BB....
    Second i hate Matt so much, he is worthless all the way back to week 2, everytime he could do the right thing he f's up. Even putting up worthless Smoke the Bear was dumb, he could have got her any week he wanted. God i want him gone. Third, i still like Brit, she is still a little bitch but she plays game and has at least 2 more balls than any of the guys in this game. Forth, god i miss Kristen. Would have bid 2K for the tard if they had promised it was unwashed, did i say that out loud, never mind i miss her thats all i have to say about that. Fifth, please make it triple elimination tomorrow night, please. This show has sucked the life out of me. Only CoLa has me on life support. Kisses my bitches.

  18. You're so right. I can't deal with watching Matt's hand down his pants any longer. I truly hope he's shunned, yes, shunned ;) when he leaves the house for this behavior.

    I saw the pics of Enzo eating. Yep, he ate & yep, you're right BB doesn't seem to care. Where is the outrage in him not wearing the penguin suit over his head? Last season, Casey had that banana up over his head. Just another instance of BB doing what they want and "F" the game.

    Yeah, I saw Enzo doing some 'under the penguin' rubbing when they were sitting outside talking. What, does he think no one notices b/c he's in costume?

    BTW, what's up with Hayden's hair? He's lost the Justin Bieber look and gone for the side part...

    I could also respect Brendan winning. He's really played hard in the comps. to stay in the game once the she-devil left the house.

    Creme's theory about Matt waiting till the last minute is intriguing. I hope by the last minute, it would be prior to the live show. By that time, people's votes are pretty locked in already. Remember, Andrew.

  19. I despise Matt, Enzo, Hayden, Brenden(is a competitor and cleans have to give him credit where credit is due) and Lame... not that I have much love for the others.. Brit and Regan make me laugh and that in my book allows them to live..
    These HG's are really pigs... Really want Matt to out the Bra-gade other wise will be a VERY boring and predictable rest of the season.. You are the only thing that makes it fun!! Cue conffeti,fairy dust and tiny dancers...
    love to Mr. O'S..

  20. Although, I hate what matt did to poor regan, I still think he should win over enzo. I hate enzo with everything in me. He has never won anything and his alliance are a bunch of losers. If someone in the losergade wins I will be really pissed.