Monday, August 16, 2010

The Day The Merriment Died

I gotta be honest, I didn't watch the Feeds at all yesterday. You see, it rained... even after I told you bitches not to do any rain dances! I had to forego the water park with Boompie (my niece) and instead we went to a bookstore where she demanded I read her book after book after book. I read Dora, Cinderella, Snow White, Max & Ruby, The Little Mermaid, and Berenstein Bears. I was doing all the voices and your girl Lala drew herself quite a crowd. Some 2 yr old with jingly ankle bracelets on her bare feet kept running around me and distracting my flow though. I tried to ignore her, but it was at a crucial part in the story when Ruby lost her doll so I had to kick that annoying jingly child in the face. It was only a small kick I swear. Her hipster mom with the vegan footwear didn't even notice. I think she was busy snacking on the granola in her purse or something. So yeah, I have no idea what's going on in the house. Since I know how you bitches get when I don't post I'm gonna go ahead and give you a fictitious account of the house yesterday. There might be some truths sprinkled in it here and there or I might be completely lying out of my ass. Who knows?! I'll leave it up to you to decide. Let's recap, shall we?

Sunday morning. Studio City, California. A creature with red, maroon, and pink hair begins to stir. She scratches her chin and sighs. The stubble is growing back thicker and faster every day now. Ever since she left her desert oasis, her follicles have been rejecting the California air with thick coarse black hairs begging to reach the surface. She grimaces her face and begrudgingly greets the day. Her visit back to the BB house didn't really go exactly as planned. Sure, she wanted to fuck up Ragan and Britney's game, but she also thought she could grind her skin with her beefy bohunk boyfriend's skin and produce something, not only smelly, but *clears throat* beautiful. The home audience must be enraptured by their love so she'll go through the motions of a phony romance with that penniless eunuch long enough to get her on The Amazing Race. After that, it's good riddance Brendon Villegas and hello Criss Angel! She swung her legs over the edge of the HOH bed and said, "I'm cut out for more than this dump!" Then, she scratched her vaj and headed to the can to take another enormous shit. Klass with a capital K!

Downstairs, Ragan stretched languidly on his patio furniture bed. He doesn't remember ever having a better night's sleep. He had been a little unsure of the events the day before. I mean, what if America actually liked Rachel? That enormous fight would be akin to a death sentence if that were true. For some reason though, deep down in his gut he just knew that the opposite was true. You see, after the fight his hunger went away, he stopped having those wretched gas pains, and, somehow, he felt as if the universe had actually patted him on the back or something. He couldn't really explain it, but everything just felt right. Sometimes when our souls find the path they're meant to be on you just know it and that's exactly how Ragan felt. As he got out of bed he looked down to notice a giant red R on his chest. He didn't know why or how it got there, but he was wearing a bright yellow superhero's outfit complete with a red cape and everything! He stood up and the cape began to billow in the nonexistent breeze all by itself. The knee high soft leather boots not only made his calves look fabulous, but it gave him a sort of a strut he hadn't exhibited before. "This is going to be a good day", he thought to himself then he flew through the halls of the BB house one hand on his hip and one hand purposefully above his head.

Britney heard a strange whizzing going around the house so she, too, decided to awake. She crinkled her forehead as the previous day's events all came back to her. The night before that spawn of Satan had called her "Princess Britney" like that was supposed to be a bad thing. A name like "Princess Britney" isn't an insult - it's a compliment of the highest order! For crying out loud, as I read book after book to Boompie yesterday each story was about a princess living in a castle and having a life of cake and fabulosity. Ariel had a whole lagoon just for her sea creature friends, Cinderella had a giant marble staircase a chandelier that may or may not have been designed by Jonathan Adler, and even that Belle chick had some fancy Wedgewood china that was always talking to her. If Rachel thinks "princess" is an insult, then she's dumber than I had ever thought. As a matter of fact, in a show of solidarity for Britney, let's all refer to ourselves as Princesses today. I'll be Princess Lala and you guys can be Princess Sausage Fingers, Princess Alli, Princess Creme, Princess Eileen, Princess Cheap Robot, and Princess Deion. (Bitches who comment a lot get top priority mentions) Rachel can be the mean ugly stepsister Drizella or maybe Gargamel from the Smurfs - whichever one is ugliest that's who'll Rachel will be.

The day began lazily enough and all the HG's quietly went about preparing their slop and eggplant. Rachel made herself a vat of olive oil and the house enjoyed their breakfasts in silence. One HG kept shifting uncomfortably in his chair though. It was the Plugged One himself, Enzo. He was getting antsy because he knew Rachel was gonna leave soon and he had to get in a few more hours of asskissing. As soon as the meal was over he skipped upstairs after Rachel and begin another long winded diatribe on something or other. "So yo, you and Brendon are like wicked mad competitors yo. I gotta start winning me some HOH's." Rachel replied, "Everyone out there loves me! I'm like seriously literally highly regarded." Enzo said, "Yeah man, that's cool yo. I wonder if they love the Meow Meow. I really gotta start winning me some HOH's yo." Rachel responds, "I only want real competitors to win. That Britney is such a bitch!" Enzo retorts, "Yeah man, I don't trust her worth nuthin'! I really gotta start winning some HOH's yo." This back and forth went on and on for hours. The more Rachel spoke, the more she looked like a pig and a giant hypocrite. Funny how it never dawned on her that Britney is one of the fiercest competitors in the game. Does Rachel not know that Britney was won MORE than she has? Very interesting how that little fact escapes the beak nosed wench.

Elsewhere in the house Matt sat silent with his hand down his pants. He's almost found gold! Just a little more digging and he'll get there. What no one knows is that centuries ago, the Hoffman family were early prospectors and mined for gold in the Old West. The innate urge to dig for things was born into every Hoffman man henceforth and, oddly enough, since he was an even tinier pipsqueak, little Matty Hoffman always knew his gold was hidden somewhere in his pants. He's not exactly sure what he's gonna do when he finds it though. Maybe he'll make himself a trophy that says "Diabolical Genius" on it. He figures if he says that phrase enough, maybe one day it'll become a reality.

The noon hour chimed and it was time... time for Parrot Girl to take her leave of the Big Brother house. She stood by herself in the middle of kitchen and shouted, "Later bitches! Try not to miss me too much!" to no one in particular. You see, at that precise moment, everyone suddenly had some urgent business to attend to. Hayden had to comb his bangs, Kathy needed a smoke, Ragan was shining his new superhero boots, and Lane was busy floating in the pool. Rachel was leaving and not one person gave a shit. She blew kisses to the walls, the appliances, and her own black & white photo. A few pony hairs from her weave fell out and she and her giant vagina walked out the door. Only an odd pungent odor lingered behind.

The house breathed a sigh of relief and Ragan delighted everyone in the BY with his new fantastic powers. Not only could now turn water into marshmallows, but every time he said "Die you vile disgusting pimply parrot!" the clouds above began to rain gumdrops and lollidrops. It was like Candyland in the backyard and all the HG's were thrilled. Britney and Lane took turns leaping into the marshmallow pool, Kathy started smoking candy cigarettes, and Hayden laughed his goofy laugh watching Ragan say "Die you vile disgusting pimply parrot!" over and over again. It was Willy Wonka, it was Babes In Toyland, it was Elf, and it was the heaven scene in Grease 2. Everyone was happy and there was peace in the Middle East.

Then... *sigh* he returned. Brendon knocked on the door and no one answered. They were too busy frolicking and laughing out in the backyard. BB actually had to come down off his throne and unlock the door for Brendon. It was soooo humiliating. Once inside the house Brendon went room to room looking for any sign of his harlot. All he saw weren't faint traces of ProActiv and dried up mascara tainted tears. Eventually, he made his way out back. You know how we now refer to the day that Buddy Holly and La Bamba went down in that plane as "The Day The Music Died"? Well, yesterday was "The Day The Merriment Died". As soon as Brendon opened the sliding glass door, the marshmallow pool disappeared, Britney and Lane sunk to the bottom, Matt found a lump a coal in his pants, Ragan found himself wearing a tattered tank top and gym shorts again, and Hayden and Enzo found the toffee they were chewing on turned into boogers... gross! Brendon is a fun sucker. His presence kills fairies, garden gnomes, and chia pets. Fairy tales turn into horror stories and wild ponies one by one hurl themselves off of rocky cliffs.

So yeah, that's what went on in the BB house yesterday. Who do you guys think Brendon will put on the block today? If it's not Matt, do you think the DPOV will get used? Will Enzo ever win HOH? How awesome is it that Kristen has read this blog? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


  1. And I'll be Princess Usually First To Comment and Still Ignored Quote Man...

  2. My cousin is only a casual watcher of BB.Last Tuesday she sent me an email saying,"WHO IS THIS ANNOYING RACHEL PERSON AND WHY IS SHE ALWAYS YELLING?"I honestly didn't have an answer for her. I'm glad Rachel gone.He face annoyed me,her voice annoyed me,her laugh annoyed me,and her hair annoyed me.Other friends argue that "at least she's good for tv." Dr Will was good for tv,Evel Dick was good for tv,Janelle and Kaysar were good for tv.Rachel is just,like,putrid.I predict that Brendon will go after Matt for evicting his "girlfriend",Enzo will win squat (as per usual), and the DPOV will come into play just to mess with Brendon. I think it's awesome that Kristen has read this blog-she's one of my favourites this season.
    Oh and Canada doesn't like Rachel either.

  3. LOL @ Quote Man!

    For not watching the feeds, you sure pegged it pretty well. After Rachel left and before Bitch Boy came back: Glorious. The best half hour or so all season (except of course, Ragan humiliating Rachel yesterday).

  4. Awesome blog. I LOVE the reference to Grease II. Your blog is hands down the best part of this season of BB. Thanks!

  5. All I have to say is that my husband has the same shirt that Bitch Boy is wearing in that picture. I am going to go burn it now and I don't even care if my house goes down in flames with it. Lala thanks for the blog. The clip you posted yesterday made my day.

  6. Lala, as if I didn't love you enough, you had to go and reference Grease 2, one of my biggest, long-time guilty pleasures! When it comes to no-no's tingling, a young Michelle gyrating at the top of that ladder during "Cool Rider" (or really, just that entire song) is at the top of my list. "Reproduction" deserves honorable mention, as well.

    Pink Ginger, you are so right about HFF and good tv! Did you tell your cousin - That's Hyena Fuckface... she has no common sense, no self-respect, no real parts and no volume control. She *does* have a pussy boy "soul mate", though. (Okay, I couldn't even type that sentence without simultaneously giggling and gagging!)

  7. Yay!!! I'm a princess!!! Woo hoo! Where's my tiara?

    OMG. Matt's up. The DPOV is going to get used. This is going to be F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S!!! Brendon is gonna LOSE IT!! I love this week! Finally some damn drama!! Take it as a TIP and Learn from it. SPARKLES!

  8. Brenda is gonna destroy his panties and ballgag when Matt uses the DPOV Thursday night!

    I can easily see Matt putting up any of the brigade members(it seems he's on to Enzo & Hayden), or Kathy or Britney as well.

    Somehow I would love to see the pure agony of whoever goes and their suffering as they get to spend the next week ALONE with HFF, and then the following week being the third wheel when bitchboy arrives.

    Talk about sheer punishment!, do they ever show what goes on in the jury house?

  9. I tried to post a comment earlier, but my computer is being a bigger whore than Creme. So if this a double comment, I'm sorry.

    Anyway... I just wanna see the episode Wednesday. Because if all that happened from opening Pandora's box was Rachel returning for 24 hours... and Brendon leaving... then they really need to hire a new creative ideas team.


    Princess My Comments Usually Get Me Into Trouble (wonder why)

  10. Misty,

    Keep my name out ya mouth, bitch.

    Princess Noone Could Be A Bigger Whore Than Me

  11. wish i knew where you were doing a book reading, i would have come by...hell you reading a phone book would be hysterical...but i digress....i think you were spot on with your account of yesterday...maybe you truly are psychic, cool.
    ...i love ragan and am happy that his cape and powers came in, just when he needs them the most...i also love britt, and am very nervous about matt's sparkly necklace, this is not going to bode well for princess brittney, which i find sad and unfair
    ...i have to say, although i agree with everyone concerning brendon...i have a modicum of respect for the fact that he nominated lane and ragan, then matt...leaving kathy off the block (which wouldve made the house happy) which kind of adds some excitement to the i HATE his reasons for it: 1. rachel told him to
    2. i'm suspicious that DR told him to
    but i do like that someone (even if its made a move that created a stir....funny how rachel tells him to put up matt, but yet she never did, and had 2 watch what listening to rachel will get him...yikes...cant wait for thurs!!!
    the fireworks that will ensue will be "must-see" tv...just sad that britt's days are numbered and kathy and brendon will live to play another day... :(

  12. What has happened to VEGAS??? once a mecca for the real Enzo types(Not the fake BB plugger), a cash rich, whisky soaked, vag filled playhouse for the movers and shakers of the American underworld. People like Frank Sinatra and the rest of the rat pack, proper movie stars and the beautituful people of the world made Vegas the attraction it was. Now we have carrot face and carrot top!!! WTF happened? two ginger twats are the single most happening representation for this town. What a damn shame, I will put in my Casino dvd and watch when Vegas was Vegas. Now it is VEGAAAAAAASSSSS, puke, fart, shite, red everywhere.

  13. it's amazing. rachel has the power to turn normal gay men into superheros, lazy-eyed mean girls into princesses, and any bathtub into a petri dish. not to mention she can turn a "penniless eunuch" (awesome quote) into a pet. truly a talented girl.

  14. Hello CoLa baby, ubet"bitch"boy is back in town. Had great time in Yosemite camping next to the Merced River knowing that upon my return SHE would be gone. I read your blog and was soooooo happy and then I looked at the screen and there she was like the last minute of a horror flick when the dead one returns and grabs your are from under the grave. WTF how did she get there. After I cleaned the vomit off my shoes I listened and discovered what was up. Brendong had brought her back from the dead but had to sell himself for 24 hours to do it. Well at least we did not have to listen to their grunting and connudaling.
    CoLa you are so great at catching all the nuances of the house, feels like i saw every minute of BB last week. I have to go hide the razor blades in case my Brit gets kicked off. Only good thing would be live feed to Jury House with those two. That would be MUST WATCH TV. Maybe Kristen could sneak in too, omg now that would be great, the hair would be flying. Kisses

  15. I'm amazed at your accuracy in the blog since you didn't watch! Psychic or is this season just SOOOO predictable? I can't wait for Thursday when the DPOV is used. I have ZERO idea who Matt will put up because he is on to Enzo/Hayden and was talking to Lane about making a final four with Britney/Ragan/Lane. Interesting. My guess is he will put up Kathy if in pussyboy mode or Enzo if he isn't. Can't wait till the live show! Enzo/Hayden were talking to him in storage today and let it slip that Kathy/Brendon are an alliance and Matt asked them how they would know that info if he didn't... UH OH there is a Grenade heading to the core of the Brigade.

    I have to share a frustration... Ragan as the sab is only doing videos and the HG don't even believe there is a sab now so he is COASTING to his 20k. Boring! So I go to CBS to submit ideas and realized there are a bunch of people making LAME/STUPID/IMPOSSIBLE/BORING suggestions that aren't even relevant. Probably because they don't watch live feeds and don't realize the HG have rules. Things like... change Rachel's picture back to color (not possible and gaggable), hide Britney's engagement ring (like Ragan could sneak it off her finger without her knowning), tell the house about the Brigade or Matt's wife's illness (If Ragan doesn't know, he won't get fed info). I actually got angry in there due to the STUPIDITY! Did I mention how I despise stupid people?

    My request Lala... can you and some of your readers put in non-video sab ideas so there is something really happening? I put in a few (hide snails/fish under furniture, over cabinets, in Brendons pillow... put food coloring in the HAVE's shower head or shampoo/conditioner/soap.... hide the cue or 8 ball in someone's bag... hide or empty all the spices including the vanilla extract)... just something physical ... anything! Can you intelligent people please give CBS something other than what these lame people were suggesting.. oh.. yeah.. what to do BEFORE the VETO ceremony when it is already over and I told them it was over... "Oh no... it isn't till Weds"

    OK enough of my bitching. Lala... you should flashback to Saturday night right before midnight to see Britney and Rachel fight. Britney finally decided to AVOID confrontation. Not as glorious as Ragan's but still gave me a little tingle in a special place. I'm sure you would enjoy!

  16. Always like BB to add some Drama Stew to the pot. So, the plot thickens. Seems Hay-zo are crafting their own super genius plot and want to tell Matt on Thursday they plan to vote Matt out. Now how will that affect the DPOV? These rocket scientists can't seem to get this game right at all. Keep your yip-yap shut and maybe things woulda been back to status quo. BUT NOOOOOOO. We know that Hay-zo will screw it up. Probably right before the vote, they'll spill their drama stew all over Mr. DPOV.


  17. Just found your site via a link from onlinebigbrother. Great site!

    You missed one thing in your recap, fabu as it was, Brendon was constipated yesterday -- yes, he was unable to "smash" because Kathy, Enzo, and Hayden had all crawled up his ass and set up residency. In the only competition that he's capable of winning, Enzo won -- he was the brownest, bestest at asskissing -- and Kathy for once, she hadn't given up or came in last and felt really happy for how brown she was from her 2nd place finish in ass-crawling.

  18. Love the blog...has anyone mentioned that Pandora's Box was opened and the good thing for Brenda was a day at the spa and the bad thing was HHF coming back in and she didn't revise that for it to be a punishment to the house everyone would have to consider it a punishment not just Regan, Britney and Matt. I wonder if the light bulb will go off for Pussy Boy or HHF.

  19. Sorry for the spelling mistakes, that should have been realize and HFF. My only excuse is it has been a long day and Monday.

  20. There is a pic of Matt on the onlinebigbrother website, and it looks like he is wearing his DPOV. Has anyone else seen that and know WTF?

  21. ok so about the pic of Matt wearing his DPOV from the onlinebigbrother website. It was photoshopped onto the screen caps.

  22. I find this blog way better than the damn show. Can't wait for your next update about sunshine, rainbows and ho's.

  23. Last night during evening copulation with the wifey, I actually blurted out "This is bangin' yo!)
    I slept in the have not room aka the couch.

  24. Ragan, Ragan, Ragan!

    Matt, digging for gold. LMAO. He really is the Hobbit.

    Why, bitches? Why does everyone on every reality show call everyone else bitches? Is there no other word in the English vocabulary? How about...people?

    "faint traces of ProActiv..." LOL

    Wow, Kristen reads your blog?!? Neat.