Friday, August 20, 2010

Looking For 9 Virgins

OK so I need to fess up about something. I was not babysitting for a friend yesterday. I was, in fact, out gathering virgins. You see, the new spell I've been working on was so multi faceted that it called for "7 nubile sacrificial virgins" in addition to the spotted owl feather I was gonna have to steal and the wooly mammoth tusk I was forced to dig for. My day began like a predator's might. I rented a windowless van, donned some Magnum P.I. glasses, and drove back and forth on the mean streets of Virginia. Spotting a virgin takes skill, practice, and a speculum. Back in the olden timey days of the Etruscans or the Ptolemites all you had to do was find an unmarried gal and you knew you had a virgin on your hands. Nowadays, in the black hole world of MTV and teen sexting, it takes a lot more than checking a ring finger to spot an untouched female. To facilitate my search for virgin blood, I put together a list of several questions I'd ask my prisoners. #1 Do you know who Alexander Skarsgard is and have you seen him naked? #2 Was Mickey Rourke a currency trader in the film 9 1/2 Weeks? #3 Do you or have you ever attended Catholic school? and #4 Are you or do you have any desire to be a neuroscientist? I figure if they answer yes to any of these questions, they're probably a ho bag slut face and not suitable for my spell. Fortunately, for BB fans everywhere I was able to find 7 virgins raring to go. Turns out all I needed to do was visit a cat store. That place is crawling with untouched spinsters!

With my gals all tied up to a long yellow rope I yanked and tugged and began the long hike up the highest mountain in Appalachia. Random moonshiners and grandmas rocking on their creaky porches looked at me quizically, but then decided to pay me no nevermind. It's always been the motto in the mountains of Virginey to mind one's own business and I've never been more thankful for that than I was yesterday. Once on my mountaintop perch I tied my virgins to a tree and went about gathering some wood for my cauldron. It was gonna take a whole mess of branches to get that pot boiling properly. I worked hard and fast always keeping one eye on my virgins. If one escaped, the plan would be shot to shit and I just couldn't risk that. Come hell or high water I was gonna get Britney to win that HOH dammit and nothing was going to stand in my way.

Using my Zippo with the Harley Davidson logo on it (a gift from Shambo), I lit my cauldron of doom and began my lengthy ritual. First, I disrobed and placed a crown of mountain wildflowers atop my head. The purple in the snapdragons totally brings out the green in my eyes. Just because you're in the woods, it's no reason to neglect proper color coordination. You never know what sort of bearded mountain man could be spying on you. Ok so I brought my pot to boil, chucked in the owl feather and the tusk I stole from the Smithsonian, and began to chant in Ancient Enochian. Translated it goes something like this: No more-a pizza pie, Enzo must-a go bye bye, a yo-yo here and a yo-yo there, Enzo can't seem to grow no hair. I think Whitman drew inspiration from those ancient words, but I'm not sure. With the tusk bobbing dangerously up and down I knew the giant scorching vat was ready. I went over to my squirming virgins and forcibly chucked them into the pot one by one. There were lots of angry "Quit your bitching!" and "I don't care if you are a nun!" quips flying out of my mouth, but eventually I got them all in and I was able to begin my sacred dance. I kicked one foot out, pointed my toe, snapped my elbows this way and that, and jutted my hips forward and backward. Yes, it's very similar to the dance Elaine Benes did at the office party. It may look spastic to some, but it's really like super powerful and whatnot.

After my herky jerky tarantella I collapsed, spent, into a thorny evergreen bush. I didn't really mind or even notice the tiny prickers piercing my skin. When you've reached a spiritual ecstasy like I had, pain has no meaning anymore. After several hours of quiet meditation (AKA a power nap), I slipped my clothes on over my blood spattered skin, emptied out the giant pot, and headed out to the nearest road to hitch for a ride back down the mountain. A donut seller named Mavis picked me up. She had a mean orange cat and a case of Lucky Strikes on her dash. I liked Mavis immediately. Her husky voice was soothing and her mullet made me giggle. I have a feeling Mavis and I will be friends for life. So yeah, that's where I was yesterday. Let's recap, shall we?

So, it was the big night of the DPOV and, for all intents and purposes, it was pretty anticlimactic. First, the dang thing crumbled into pieces and all the diamonds fell off of it. Next, Matt screwed up his carefully planned speech and C) We lost the sleepy Dragon Lady. Yes, it would have been frustraing had she sailed to the end, but deep down I, along with a shitload of other people, hoped that maybe, just maybe, Matt would put up Enzo. I guess Matt didn't have enough info to go on to warrant an Enzo eviction. Getting rid of Kathy is also an easy way not to ruffle too many feathers. Au revoir Kathy Faye, keep an eye out for a basket of Spam and Nicorette gum from yours truly. You were pretty boring in the house, but I drew great inspiration from your accent and I think The Tales Of Kathy Faye should become a Lifetime movie or something. Holly Hunter could play Kathy and Donald Sutherland could play her moonshining grandpappy. It'll be just as successful as those other great Lifetime movies: The Truth About Jane, Homeless to Harvard, and, my absolute favorite, Augusta Gone. Lifetime movies on a lazy rainy Sunday with a bottle of wine = heaven.

Kathy is gone, Matt is safe, and the house is absolutely floored. Ragan is flustered and caught in between wanting to jump for joy and weep in gratitude. He stares wide-eyed at his friend Matt and marvels at his tininess. Britney is our new HOH (hell yeah!) and Hayden is now confused, Enzo can't stop pacing, and Brendon is all sad and pouty. This dynamic will pretty much continue for the rest of the night. After the live show ended everyone was happy for Britney, but they couldn't really express exactly how happy they were until Bitch Boy was finally called to the DR. As soon as he leaves the kitchen area confetti dropped from the sky, a congo line started, and Ragan put on knee high gold glitter boots and a hot pink boa. It was celebration time! The HG's twirled and sang about how Bitch Boy is finally going home this week. At home I giggled in the merriment, but I also knew that the POV was probably going to be a tight jean wearing crotch sweating contest. The HG's can celebrate all they want, but I'm not planning my next party until I know for sure that the whiny Bitch Boy is going home. There's also a strict "No feeding the Leprechaun" rule that will be put into place at my next shindig. Whoever gave Mr. O'Shaugnessy those magic mushrooms last time is in deep shit. Do you have any idea how long it takes to convince a paranoid leprechaun he's not a glass of orange juice teetering on the edge of insanity? It takes like... a loooong time. Assholes.

While most of the house is shocked yet pleased that Matt has stayed, there is one frustrated Eye-talian who feels otherwise. This shit is mad crazy yo. That HOH was almost fucking his yo. If he ends up on the block this week, he's gonna unleash some mad Jersey anger yo. Oh Enzo, shut the fuck up. Seriously, you're useless in this game. You take the easy way out whenever possible, you turned on your alliance, and you will never, do you hear me, never win anything. There's been a lot of talk about "floaters" this season and I'm pretty sure not one person really knows the accurate definition. I think a floater is someone who bounces back and forth amongst both sides of the house and spends their week wherever the power is. Independent players like Kristen and Ragan (early on in the game) were never floaters. The king of all flotational devices is the one and only lip smacking open mouth chewing Enzo. He's either tight with the Brigade when it serves his purposes or he's planning a Final 3 deal with Brendon when he has nowhere else to turn. This chump is Floater Extraordinaire or, in Ancient Greek, Floatus Maximus.

All that floating and bitching about Britney has brought Enzo to this very moment in time. If, for some reason, Bitch Boy does not go home this week, then Enzo will packing up his fedora and hitting the high road. Britney's plan is to nominate Brendon and Enzo. If Brendon comes off the block, Enzo still has the votes to go home. There is a strong possibilty for a tie this week, and, fortunately for us, Britney will be the one to break that tie. She's sworn that neither Matt nor Ragan will be on the block so all that leaves are the big bohunky men. Thank god!

Eventually, Britney gets her HOH room and it's filled with some pretty hysterical pictures of her either drunk or angry in her pageant days. The note is from her mom and everyone one Twitter immediately wondered why it wasn't from Nick. Britney has said herself that Nick has no desire to be in the spotlight. It's clear she loves him and all the speculating that he's going to leave her is completely ridiculous. Fucking BB fans making mountains out of mole hills again. Grow up already and get your heads out of your asses. Did you ever stop to think that maybe her mom insisted on writing the letter? I know if I had a daughter in the BB24 house I'd want to be the one to write the letter. I'd be overbearing and have a giant beehive hairdo. I'd wear heels to vacuum the house and my apron would be organza with a big giant bow in the back. I have a very early 1960's view of what a mother should be like. So yeah, when I'm all growed up, that's gonna be me. I'm gonna change my name to Flo and take up clipping coupons. Awesome.

Later in the night, feedsters were treated to another episode of Just The Tip. Ragan is beyond excited and giggles like a schoolgirl throughout. Britney unleashes her venoumous tongue on Brendon and at home in our beds we all laughed and laughed. Some holier than thou tweeters think Just The Tip is just rude and awful. To them I say: get the fuck out of the kitchen if you can't take the heat. No one is making you watch. I have the good sense to walk away if Brendon talks or if Enzo eats. If you don't like something, simply turn it off.

So, were you happy with how last night played out? Will Enzo really wreak havoc on the house if he's nominated? Do you think I should try 9 virgins for next week's "Win Ragan Win" spell? Comment it out bitches and have a great day! Tomorrow's blog will probably be very late. The good news is that the coming 2 weeks should be relatively normal and uninterrrupted.

Super special shout out to one Miss Kristen Bitting - one of the nicest and classiest ladies I've chit chatted with. Thanks for everything. You rock my world. Let's all be sure to vote for Kristen for America's Favorite. Her time in the house may have been all too brief, but she has excellent taste in blogs and that should definitely be rewarded. :-)

Also, does this by any chance make you horny? Yeah, me neither.


  1. Never end a blog that way again, please...

  2. Thank you CoLa for the real deal spell. My Brit is the winner. Goodbye Brandong or maybe just Enzyme kitty kat. All is good in the world. So double eviction next week, fun fun fun. NP with Smoke the Bear leaving she was almost as usless as E. Thought Matt might have enough info to put up E or Prince Valiant but can not get that lucky. Saved all my mojo for my Brit, throws glitter into the air and thanks God for Ms. CoLa. I also want Rage-in to win next week but with the quick turnover would he have time to read his letter??? Oh well at least something happened in the house. Maybe the next few weeks will pick up a bit. Kisses CoLa and all you other bitches. Long live Queen Brit. xoxoxoxox

  3. Collette,
    I love reading your blog, and you've spewed your bitch venom all over. However, when are you going to talk shit about Britney? I guess only a true bitch can love her. How about some Britney bashing for once? I mean come on...she's the epitome of a bitch on the show...and the only reason she gets away with it is because she looks like an Angel. I'm not happy she won HOH..I can't wait till you backstab her(as all bitches do is backstab) and give her a nasty blog. She deserves it way more than anyone in the house (even Regan, since his descent to meangirlness is mostly due to Britney's influence).She whines just as much as anyone and she is...god..i just hate people like her.

  4. Is that Michelle Noonan from Big Brother 11? It looks like her only HOTTER.

  5. Who the hell convinced her that pose is sexy? Hey Ass Licker, how does it feel to take a dump in your panties while holding an apple?? Wait, nevermind... I really do not want to know!

    I second Quote Man's request...

  6. My eyes!!! Make it go away, Lala!! Make it go away!!!

    Not cute.

    I'm glad Britney won - close call there. If Enzo had won it would have been a week worth of foolishness.

    Something tells me this week will be boring. I sense the possibility for a Brendon/Ragan show down. But other than that I think it'll be a week of pool, laying around with hands down pants, and nothingness.


  7. Floatus Maximus....funniest thing I've read all week. lol!!!

  8. 1 - I'm never eating fruit again.
    2- I just want to point out that to have a daughter in "BB24" you'd have to have the kid right now, and even so you'd be sending her in at 12. I can actually see you doing this "Happy 12th birthday Lil Lala..time to be a woman now. You must enter the BB24 house. It will toughen you up and I will write shit about you all summer. Be a woman. Go now."

  9. What is she doing?? Nasty..
    Great blog.. would go nuts if I did not have your blog to read.. :)
    Blessed Be ;)

  10. Of course Meow Meow is a floater...every one knows cats don't swim YO!!

    Can't wait for Meow Meow to get out of the house so he can lay down some beats and raps....GAWD spare us!!

    Great blog LaLa
    Miss Juanita Diaz

  11. See, Michelle is not a bad looking chick. She's just awkward and painfully unsexy. What now with those wings? Do something else with yourself, dear. Please.

    Lala, I knew I felt a great surge in the bitchy force yesterday. A few of those virgins were pure of heart. It pleased the bitchy high ones greatly. Excellent work.

    I want Britney to be everything people think she is during her HOH reign. Bratty, bitchy, and insufferable. She should make these bastards carry her down the stairs if she so chooses. She is the HBIC for the week. Lane should be her shirtless manservant, Enzo her footstool and Hayden her court jester. Brendon, should be strung up in the Have-Not room ready for a whipping at his mistresses whim. (Just because I'd love it, doesn't mean he would, Lala.)

    As a reward to Ragan for crying with her when she needed it, she should make Matt make out with him. As it is clear to me, and anyone else watching when the DPOV was used, that Ragan would die a happy man if he got to touch those lips with his own.

    And I want world peace, obvs.

    Seriously, though, how cool is it that Matt is secure enough in who he is to be as close to Ragan as he is? Props to him, despite his giving Enzo a reprieve this week. Enzo, who I look forward to trying to get in Team Tiny Terrors good graces while playing down how he was all up Brendon's ass last week. He and Matt's pool table conversation last night sent me in a mood to tickle no-nos with my mind. I hope you ladies felt me.

  12. I love when Lane thought Matt was pulling a bar of soap from his pocket. That explains the look he gave during Matt's speech. Enzo is so shiesty. He keeps saying "It is what it is." I hope when Britney nominates him she says it right back to him with a wink and I hope she throws glitter.

  13. Hey let's play house you can be the mom for BB24 and I can be the dad, we can sit around the tv while cheering on our little pipsqueek to HOH victory. There will be wine and a shitload of it.
    Anyway back to reality, last nights shot if Bitch boy's grill when matty mat pulled out the busted DPOV was freaking priceless. Then up in the HOH when the animal, the bitch and the fake gangsta were boy talking about "smashing" Brit if they were single, and bitch said no she's not my type. I almost spilled my expensive single malt whisky. You mean to tell me that given an open bang session with the choice of Brit or pimple face carrot this douce would pass up on the Brit coochie???
    Needledicked asshole.
    I apologize beforehand for my libido, but the picture makes me horny. Must get to Vegas I hear its filled with easy lassies.

  14. Vic, I believe my blogs early in the season were quite critical of Britney. I have no plans of turning on her now. She actually brought me over from hating her to liking her. Sorry.

  15. nice little Michele dig.. liked how u worked that one in there.

  16. Great post as usual.As for the picture at the end? least her nail polish is pretty.
    Also,why did she have to squat? Squatting is the most un-sexy of un-sexy poses.Gross!

  17. Great blog as usual. My thanks to the virgins for taking one for the team. Not at all sorry to see Kathy go, but wish it would have been Enzo. I predict some poor sportsmanship from Mr. E this week. He is not going to take being a have-not and being on the block well. Love it. I'm totally on team Brittany and hope she wins it all.

  18. Love-love-love your blog!!! How do you even know what organza is???

  19. I love your meow meow stories. They fill me full of glee and awesomeness.

    Michele from BBidon'tremember is a total slag now. You should go creep her facebook.

    I am in love with your blog and i'm glad I stumbled on it. It makes my life more meaningful!

    I would offer to be one of your virgins, but pretending would fuck up your spell.

  20. Thanks ever so much for exploding my eyeballs out of my head. I am now typing in braille while vitreous humor runs down my face. There are some things you can never un-see and that is one of them.

    All Britney has to do is keep winning POVs because every man in that house wants her gone because she's freaking awesome at this game. Good call on the sacrifice-keep it up.

  21. I hear that "someone" ate some candy in the HOH bathrm & left the wrappers. Guess Have/Not Enzo didn't have the Kathy bitch to clean up after him. It grates on my nerves that he is still eating, never got a penalty nom for all the cheese, etc. he ate as a have not before-and now he's pulling this chit aft. less than 2 days on slop! Brit said Enzo asked to use her bathrm & she then found the candy wrappers in there.

  22. Correction...!/2 day on slop.

  23. Lalaaaaaaa. Where arrrrrrreeeeee yoooooou??

    We miss you, bitch. Come back.

  24. Sorry Alli. I passed out again. I'm quite sure I have lupus or maybe spinal meningitis. I'll be back tomorrow. Promise.

  25. Oh awright. Can't wait to see your take on useless gremlins, ultimate floaters, and the king of the douches.

  26. I'm sure you will have a great, sad post on the defeat of the gremlin by a production-produced, manipulated contest. I can't believe I paid for live feeds for this crapohola of a fixed contest ... a hoax game show. Worse, I can't believe I became emotionally invested in what is a rigged contest. Because I prefer my game shows with unethical players (Russell!) but fair contests and the same rules for everyone, I've written to the FCC