Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I Know Your Secret

Little Enzo Palumbo had a lot of secrets. Did you know he wet the bed until he was 14 yrs old? Yup, all of his phobias and the constant pizza diet he lived on didn't exactly do his bladder any favors and his parents struggled year after year to try to cure their son of the problem. Papa John thought garlic was the perfect cure-all. It was actually in his search for the anti-pee pee formula that he invented his heavenly garlic dipping sauce. Little known fact. Mama Celeste, on the other hand, wasn't so sure that diet was the way to help her son. She sought out some more crude tough love type of methods to break him of his bedwetting habits. As a lover of catalogs and quirky gifts, she one day stumbled upon a metallic bed pad that would inconspiculously go underneath Enzo's sheets. To the naked eye, no one knew the pad was there, but everytime Enzo went to bed and rolled over he'd be greeted with an annoying "crinkle crinkle" sound. It was very much like that scene in Big Daddy when Adam Sandler lays the newspaper down on Frankenstein's bed. Anyhow, whenever Enzo peed, the pad would buzz and deliver an electric shock to the boy thus startling him and waking him up. It was supposed to be a tool to help him get up in time, but all it really did was scar his backside and make him fear metal objects for years to come. Why do you think Enzo won't do the laundry in the BB house? It's those giant metal washing machines! They might as well be two Great White Sharks waiting to chop his arms off. After all the tricks and weird dietary measures, it turns out the problem with Enzo's bladder lied in his testicles. You see, they never dropped. They were trapped up inside the poor child like frightened little prunes pressing against his bladder. It was a ball retrieval operation back in '89 that did the trick. It was painful and he had to lie to his middle school saying he had his tonsils out, but, in the end, it was worth it. Mama Celeste didn't have to buy anymore new sheets and Papa John could stop tinkering with his pomegranate jalapeno wings sauce. The Palumbo family was relieved and they vowed to keep Enzo's troubled childhood a secret for the rest of his life. Let's recap, shall we?

The day started out boring enough. I'm afraid we've already entered into our Monday - Thursday slump. It came a lot earlier this year, but I get more sleep and my other tv commitments are no longer neglected so I'm not really too bothered by it. I mean, let's face it, this season sucks anyways and no matter who makes it to the Final 6, Final 5, or Final 4, the final weeks of this clusterfuck are going to be a fingernail yanking snorefest. Anyhow, the day began with lots of speculating. That's all Hayden and Enzo do anymore. They guess, they formulate, they speculate, they hypothesize, and, for the most part, they're almost always wrong. You know that phrase "2 heads are better than 1"? Well, when those 2 heads belong to lazy penisless girly boys, that phrase ceases to make any sense. These two rocket scientists are absolutely convinced that this week is a double eviction. They're going over various scenarios of who they'd vote out. Hayden thinks the only people he can win against are Kathy, Brendon, and Enzo which is why he has every intention of keeping Brendon and Kathy in this game for as long as possible. He has a point, but I don't have to like it. I HATE that the Bra-gade will have a ton of votes in the jury house. I'm thinking at this point I want Britney to win and the only way I can see that happening is if her opponent is absosmurfly not a Bra-gade member.

Elsewhere in the house Ragan is still complaining about being on slop. I don't understand what the problem is with eggplant. It's good! Are they allowed to make a lemon butter sauce for the snails? Escargot isn't awful at all. Why can't these whiny HG's get all gussied up, put a Gossip Girl headband on, and do it up like the society folk do? Preparing a fancy meal out of slop, eggplant, and escargot would easily kill at least an hour or two. Why not embrace the circumstance they're in and make something fun out of it? The sleeping all day in protest is aggravating and it's surprising that it doesn't dawn on them how boring they all really are. If I was in there I'd put on a pretty dress, some strappy high heeled shoes, curl my hair, make a nice place setting, and pretend I was Blair Waldorf. Sure, that's what I do every Saturday night with my Soho Dolls CD on the stereo and Madame Alexander dolls seated at my dining room table, but I know how to throw a party goddammit! All I need is a ball of twine and a roll of duct tape. I could build a magical medieval city in my basement and entertain the entire little people community in the Metro DC area if I so desired. All it takes is a little inner MacGyver and a lot of imagination.

After lots of napping and even more bitching, we find Hayden and Matt in the cabana room shooting the shit. Hayden straight up asks Matt if he has a secret power. *bites fist* Matt says, "Why would I have it?" Hayden then wonders if maybe Brendon has it. Matt says that's a very good possibilty. His nominations were really strange this week and he could definitely have something up his sleeve. Hayden sighs, pushes his bangs against his forehead some more, and says he still thinks Rachel is Mr. Salvatore. After an uncomfortable silence, Hayden then says that he knows all 13 of the Mr. Salvatore's messages. Matt asks him what they are and Hayden runs down the entire list word for word. Matt's at once impressed yet slightly worried. "How many more people know this information", he wonders. Hayden tells him Enzo knows it and that he wouldn't be surprised if Britney knows it as well. He thinks Britney knows a hell of a lot more than she's letting on. They go over dates and trivia some more then Hayden asks Matt who he'd vote for in the final two. Matt says if he finds out that the Bra-gade was doing shady shit to it's members then there's no way in hell he's voting for a Bra-gade member to win. He'd rather vote for Brendon to win. Sure, he hates Brendon, but Brendon has at least fought to stay in the game. Hayden doesn't say anything in reply and I immediately began to wonder if Matt knows what his alliance is up to.

Hayden eventually leaves - I think he has to be the look out for another one of Lane's masturbatory sessions or something - and Ragan then joins Matt in the Cabana room. Ragan is dismayed that Matt is on the block. He thinks this might be the worst week ever in the house. With Rachel coming back, being on slop, and his best buddy being on the block, Ragan is officially depressed. He's not giving too many of his lengthy preachy speeches anymore and his entire mission for the week, besides weeping for Matt, is to sleep. I still like Ragan though. Sure, he's no fun when he's on slop, but ripping Rachel a new asshole will always and forever earn anyone a special place in my heart. Ragan begins to tell Matt that honesty and loyalty matter to him more than anything else. Keep in mind he's telling this to the guy who lied about his wife having a debilitating disease. A lot of you told me yesterday that you didn't have a problem with the lie and that's fine. I think it was Jo who said in the comments that after the lie becomes public knowledge to the HG's is when it's gonna be an uncomfortable moment of epic proportions. I wonder if Matt's wife is planning on going to the Vegas bash. How exactly does Matt see that all playing out in his head especially if he wins? I don't know, the more I think about it, the more I think it's a very poorly thought out strategy.

OK so let's just fast forward ahead to what I know everyone is waiting for. Ragan finally got a conrete mission that didn't take the form of a video message! He was instructed to leave a note under Enzo's pillow that said "I know your secret". Clearly, it wasn't a mission he was actually thrilled with because he hemmed and hawed about it and had to make several attempts before actually placing the note in it's proper place. He went into the room, put the note under the pillow, whipped it out again, said to himself, "I can't do this.", and walked into another room. Personally, I don't see what the big deal is. It's not like he's close to Enzo or anything. It doesn't make Matt look bad in any way. Embrace your mission! Wear a black outfit, put some pantyhose on your head, and tiptoe all melodramatic like into the Taj room like a burglar would in those olden timey silent films or at least dress up like the Hamburgler - something, anything! If you gave me that mission, I'd be giggling the whole time and probably leave a breadcrumb trail from the scene of the crime all the way up to the HOH room. I mean, why the hell not, right? Eventually, Ragan gets the damn note under the pillow. Feedsters then grabbed a diet coke and a sandwich, pulled their chairs closer to their laptops, and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited.

Your lazy ass blogger Lala passed out around midnight so I had no idea what was going on. I woke up at 4:30 to wrestle with a pillow that was giving me attitude and luckily I decided to check my twitter. It was all a buzz with the night owls waiting impatiently for Enzo to discover the note. I wasn't about to get up and turn on my computer so I followed the twitter drama for a little while and then promptly passed out again. Thanks to the nifty flashback option I was able to watch the drama unfold and take pictures of it all. Please to enjoy:

OK so Enzo finally goes to bed. He goes into the room and discovers the note under his pillow. He whips it out and says "What the fuck is this?" He reads it and then starts to look under everyone elses pillows. As soon as he discovers that he was the only one with a note he says, "Ohhh shit. Oh ok." He stares at the message a little longer and I can just imagine what's going on in his head... What the hell is this yo? Why they pin this shit on the Meow Meow? No way they know I wet the bed, right? I'm gonna bash Mama and Papa's skulls if they told anybody that shit. Yo... Meow Meow... yo.

Kathy, who'd been asleep in the bed across from Enzo, begins to stir and asks what's going on. Enzo waves his arms all dramatically, shoves the note in her face, and laughs. He tells her how he just found it under his pillow and then he leaves the room to go show it to Hayden.

He finds Hayden getting ready to go to bed and begins to do his big arm waving song and dance again. "Yo, look what I found yo. It says I have a seeeeecret yo. Ya think BB did this during the lockdown? What's my secret yo? Meow Meow don't have no secrets... tinkle. No secrets at all. I think it's Kathy yo!" Then Lane joins in and they begin to discuss what to do next. They toss around maybe putting the note in someone's key slot and trying to pin it on someone else. They wonder when it could have been done and if maybe it's BB fucking with them because they had an outdoor lockdown earlier that appeared to be for no reason at all. They analyze the handwriting and collectively decide that a woman must have written the note. I have no idea why the hell they decided that. It's not like there was a heart dotting the letter 'i' or big ole teenage bubbly letters. It's generic capital letters... nothing more. In the end they decide to back into Enzo's room and retrace the culprit's steps.

Inside the room Kathy is waiting for them and she begins to ask about the note. Enzo keeps saying, "What's my seeeecret? What's my seeeeecret yo?" He says he doesn't think it's someone in the house. Ok, well then, who is it Detective Palumbo? Is it an intruder, an alien, a fan? Kathy tells him of course it's someone in the house and then she says she wishes she had her fingerprinting kit. I wish she had it too! I'm dying to see Kathy with a badge on her chest and a gun strapped to her waist. She'd put on some old lady glasses, dust some powder on the paper (of course after Enzo, Lane, and Hayden have been manhandling it for the past 10 minutes) and then she'd put the paper in the fish tank with some crazy glue just like Eddie Murphy did in Beverly Hills Cop. They'd all chew gum and wait for the fingerprints to appear. Awesome!

Enzo then says that at least everyone knows he's not the Saboteur now. Kathy says, "That's what Annie said." Silence. Then Enzo says, "No, why would I sabotage myself yo?!" Lane suggests they check the Pool Tournament trophy bowl to compare handwriting. All the HG's wrote their names in the bowl with nail polish. The only problem is the bowl is in the HOH. They make a mental note to check it tomorrow and then they go out to tell everyone else what happened.

They wake up the people in the Have-Not room and share the note. They're all groggy, but they look at it and laugh. Enzo again says he's happy it happened because now everyone knows he's not the Sab. Matt tells him to eBay the note. Enzo says that it can't be Brendon because Brendon was never around yesterday. Matt, annoyed that Enzo always jump to defend Bitch Boy, says it could have been anyone. Brendon was the last one outside during the Lockdown which means he had time alone in the house. Enzo asks, "So then there's a Sab in the house? That was this means?" DUH!!! You fucking moron! Britney begins to suspect it's Brendon. Enzo says he thinks it's Kathy. Ragan says they should figure out who was in the house by themselves. The group begins to wonder if maybe BB wrote the note and simply gave it to the Saboteur in the DR. Then they begin to go over who was in the DR yesterday. Ragan quickly says they all were in the DR because they did goodbye messages yesterday. Someone, I forgot who, keeps saying that Kathy kept getting called to the DR. They all decide to move to the Cabana Room to discuss the matter further.

Brendon and Kathy are still sleeping and Enzo is hard at work pinning the note on Kathy. He says that the light in the room was on the whole time and that Kathy was sleeping in the light. Britney says that Kathy never seems to pay too much attention to the Sab messages. Enzo begins to wonder why she was dusting the house today. He also doesn't know why Kathy made his bed. Someone else says Kathy's made their bed before. Enzo ignores it and says he's being shunned yo... shunned. Enzo is convinced that America would vote to make Kathy the Sab because she's a doh-d0h. Matt disagrees and says she's the last person America would vote to give a power to. It seemed as if Matt wasn't falling for the Kathy blame game until someone brings up the pretzel story. Remember it was Kathy who told Hayden about Rachel writing the note to Brendon in pretzels. Everyone says, "Ohhhh" and boom bam done! Kathy is now the Saboteur. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck. If Matt puts Kathy on the block tomorrow, that's gonna suck so much ass.

Matt then asks the group how they should play this now. Enzo says they shouldn't say anything, they should just watch her. Someone remembers that Rachel gave Kathy the key to the HOH and that only further makes everyone believe she's the Sab. This fucks up everything in all sorts of ways. I'm not happy! So, what do you think Matt will do with the DPOV? Do you think someone will tip Kathy off? Will the Sab leave another message today? Would a pomegranate jalapeno chicken wing sauce have been successful? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

I just received a phone call from a friend wanting me to babysit her brats tomorrow morning. Since this could be my only chance at motherhood (since Rachel shriveled up my ovaries), I'm gonna do it which means no blog tomorrow. It's ok though, tomorrow night is the night that'll be a doozy and I'll definitely be here to document it all so count on a big blog Friday morning.


  1. Hopefully Matt is, or will become, wise to his alliance throwing him under the bus. I would love, love, love to see the looks on everyone's faces if Matt were to replace himself with Enzo. Regan getting HOH would be the icing on top of my vagazzles.
    Tomorrow is going to be a little emptier without your blog to look forward to.

  2. I officially hate ensign now. I can't stand him, cats or yo-yos or yodeling or any other 'yo' connotation anymore. His voice is now as repulsive to me as Rachel's cackle. I would rather listen to Brenda's blubbering than Jersey's yo-induced idiocy. I hate enzo. Its a relief to say it...cathartic even.

  3. Enzo obviously has no idea what the word "shun" means. He's not being shunned. He's the opposite of shunned, he's singled out, the center of attention. He was really kind of cute and endearing the first few weeks, but now pretty much everything he does annoys me.

    If these morons would stop and think for a minute, they'd realize that it makes no sense for Kathy (or Britney) to be the saboteur, because one of the last messages they got implicated one of the two women left in the house as part of the "lifelong friends". The saboteur would never give them a message that makes himself a target. These people disappoint me on a daily basis.

    And I hope someone does have the sense to save that note. It would be a nice little keepsake.

    I'm rooting for Britney to win too. Either her or Matt. I think it's a long shot, but if she's able to make it to the end, she definitely deserves it. Matt and Brit in the final 2, I'm satisfied.

    And about Matt's lie: I'm not saying I think it's a well thought out strategy. Just that it's not Matt's fault if the rest of the HGs are dumb enough to fall for it.

    Oh, and I'm totally OK with Kathy leaving this week. I'd prefer Enzo, but she's my second choice. The plan to keep her around as long as they can just because she sucks always disgusted me.

    Saying a silent prayer for the children tomorrow...

  4. I never really thought that Matt would yet throw his brigade under the bus on Thursday. I've been thinking that it would be Brit or Kathy and I thought Brit was the bad decision because she won't nominate Matt next week and she'd vote for him at the end if it was Matt v. Enzo in final 2. Kathy on the other hand is actually loyal to Hayden, likely to vote with the Azzletes Alliance and if she won HOH, would put up Brit and Ragan or Matt -- so eliminating Kathy does hurt Enzo and Hayden.

  5. Stephi, I've been on that bandwagon for quite awhile. Welcome aboard. Ever since Enzo spilled the beans to Rachel & Brendan, spoiling the surprise & drama last Thurs. I'm done with him!

  6. I was wondering yesterday when Ragan was talking to Matt how his lie would play out after this, especially if his wife shows up in vegas .
    I predict if matt wins he will need to use that money for his own medical expenses after lane pummels him ....
    I'm fairly certain Matt is onto Enzo hence the pressure Matt has put on the brogade about gettin brendon out and wanting to know how there voting and why ... Matt's been mind fucking them pretty good and Enzo is bound to snap .
    Great read as always !

  7. NO, this season doesn't suck!
    We've got you...

  8. omg i laughed for five minutes after that line about enzo's secret being he wets the bed. fucking high-larious! this is like watching inspector clouseau on 'The Case of the Saboteur.' (in fact i'd love to hear peter sellers say saboteur.) it figures the only cop in the house is the least interested in finding out who it is. (and subsequently the most obvious suspect in the minds of these fucking morons.) when enzo finally got it through his incredibly thick skull that BB isn't the saboteur like he had convinced his tiny brain, i think i heard something crack in his head. or maybe he wet himself. does enzo really not wash his clothes? because i swore i heard about him ripping on britney for that exact thing. what a doughnut.

    i think matt is starting to regret the decision to lie about his wife, but oh well dumbfuck, that ship has sailed.

    btw i actually watched farinelli last night just because you referenced it. who knew a castrado could get so much tail? but the unnatural singing was creeping me out. and doesn't that actor look like andy samberg when he smiles? that was creeping me out too. good movie though.

  9. I am cool with Kathy going home b/c I don't think it would have ever been Enzo or Hayden. I base this on a convo that happened just before the note was found. Matt, Enzo, Hayden and Lane were talking and I am sure Matt would have used DPOV to put up Britney. The way I see it, Brit fans, like me, got a blessing last nite. Hopefully :)

  10. Does anyone else see a little flirty flirt with Brit and Lane? I said it before and I still believe that they are the old pals in the house. He might even be Nick!!! Must stop drinking now, this show is screwing with my life

  11. Now they think Kathy's the sab... really? I'm starting to think these people are the rejected contestants from The Mole. They couldn't find their own ass even if they were allowed to use both hands to look for it!
    You have to laugh at their stupidity because lets be honest, there's not much else to entertain us this year.

  12. I would love for Matt to put up another Brigade member just so we can have the pleasure of watching the house scramble next week. Sadly, I doubt it will happen. I think he'll replace himself with Kathy just to play it safe. She's useless so it doesn't matter if she stays or goes...she's like a slightly less irritating version of season 9's Sheila.
    I wanted to comment some more insight but I lost my train of thought when I read someone else was entrusting their child in your care. Try not to roundhouse kick any kids in the throat during story time. Oh, and the colorful liquids under the sink are not kool-aid...just FYI.

  13. I have officially stopped waiting for anything to happen in the BB house and just wait for Lala's blog. I can not wait to read your blog everyday and for that I thank you, Lala. This one was particularly good and I hope hope hope Matt puts up Enzo against Lane. Enzo is useless and needs to go. Let him and Rachel tell each other how awesome they are in the jury house.

  14. Why do these tools think anybody wants to buy their crap on EBay? Just sayin'

    Enzo is the epitome of a floater. He's incredibly lazy. These idiots are talking of throwing HOH AGAIN. Why do they think anyone would give them $500K if they don't try to win ANYTHING.

    I'm thinking Kathy going this week wouldn't be so bad. It would start to eliminate "others" and the Brigade would have to eat their young. While this week may have been boring as shit, next week should be interesting. Brendon's gonna be having regular hissy fits. The brigade will enter stage 2 of self destruction. It'll be moderately entertaining.

    This season sucks.

  15. Yo CoLa baby my diaper is chapping but it does save the sheets. Great blog and congrats on the Aunt Buck thing (r.i.p. John Candy), sure the angels will be just fine with you, be sure to throw glitter on their wounds. OK enough about child abuse now back on Enzyme. You have to give it to him, hard to stand out in this stellar collection of meatheads but he IS the big meat in this group.
    How about a quadruple eviction this week and get rid of them all. My god this is worse year ever. I am still pulling for Brit and maybe Matt and Regan because of the Red Devil. Still want my Kristen back, that was Matt's fault so I don't like him anymore either.
    So CoLA parden my ignorance and lack of cool but never heard of Gossip Girls, Blair Walborf, or Leighton Meester before but the picture of her was like the thunderbolt that got Michael Corleone in Godfather. Not since ubetboy was tiny and saw Ursula Andress's Honey Ryder walk up out of the sea in Dr. No has he felt such electricity in his diapered loins but maybe that was just the electric sheets mommy put on the bed, not sure but going to put my hands down there like my boy Matt and find out what it was.
    Well sad about tomorrow no blog but Friday's will be a double douse of your love i am sure. Have fun B A B Y. kisses

  16. Enzo plays the game very safely, which is certainly a strategy, but it's also boring as hell. And the whole "jersey shore" thing is already completely played out.

  17. I'm sorry! you did not receive permission to leave for the day! I have needs don't you know and my needs are your recaps!

  18. I don't want to hear another word about Kathy or Enzo being lazy if you beg off one more blog! Damn it, I have nothing else going for me without it! This BB is so lame-o-tastic and without your brand of smack, it just isn't worth my time to even care. Tweets are a nice appetizer but I want a gourmet meal, which is how I feel after reading your blog; satiated by the epic naughtiness of it all!

  19. It's Thursday CoLa i thought your threat of not being here was another Matty lie but i guess you really are not posting today. WTF do i do today. Already did the laundry (say ty enzyme). Prepared wonderful Veggie lunch for Mistress. What am i going to do till showtime tonight. (reaches into undies and scratches balls) Oh well have fun till tonight. kisses

  20. I keep checking here like a lost soul. I too was seeking some clarity.

  21. Awww thanks bitches. You make my tiny blackened heart just a pinch pinker.

  22. Colette, If you don't get your bitchy ass back to this blog ASAP, I am going to self-destruct! Stop babysitting and get back to your true calling!

  23. It'S Friday morning baby get off the stick CoLa.