I Count Zero Penises

Little Enzo Palumbo had been a scaredy cat all his life. Dogs, ceiling fans, garbage disposals, doorbells... anything and everything that produced any sort of noise or movement could reduce the tiny boy to tears. His Mama, Celeste, even had to cancel their telephone service because the ringing of the phone would send baby Enzo into a tantrum where tears would last for hours and feces would be spread on the wall. It began to become a real problem for the Palumbo family. The only toy that didn't scare the small child was a yo-yo. He looooved to watch the disk roll back and forth along the string. He'd make his Papa, John, play with the yo-yo for hours every night delighting him with tricks like Walk The Dog, Rock The Baby, Ferris Wheel, Flying Saucer, and, his favorite, Skin The Cat. Papa John became quite the yo-yo master and even began to travel the country displaying his yo-yo feats of triumph much like Forrest Gump did playing ping pong. Enzo loved the yo-yo so much that he began to call random objects and people "Yo". He was still young and had a bit of a stuttering problem so the full "Yo-Yo" wasn't possible. For example he'd say, "Yo Mama, putta 'nother pizzapie yo in th-th-th-the oven yo." People thought it was charming so no one ever bothered to correct him. In addition to the "yo" affectation and the fear of, well, life, Enzo had a growing love for kittens. Cats were, for the most part, quiet, they did their own thing, and Enzo actually found the tiny "meow meows" comforting. In fact, Mama Celeste put a whole litter of kittens in Enzo's room to help him sleep at night. Lullabies and mobiles scared the child, but the gentle "meow meows" put him to sleep faster than a Nyquil laced bottle. Of course, sleeping with "meow meows" constantly seeping into your subconscious can have some unfortunate side effects. As Enzo entered adolescence he was convinced he was a cat and that everything else around him was a yo-yo. He started to say things like "Yo the Meow Meow has some homework to do tonight Mama yo." His mother worried how society would accept this cat-child, but Papa John assured her that being from Jersey, it's ok for a young man to talk like that. They decided together to let their boy talk like he liked. I mean, it's not like Mama Celeste and Papa J0hn were Oxford scholars or anything. Besides, this was Jersey! A new idiot is born in Jersey everyday - just look at Teresa Giudice! Let's recap, shall we?

It was the day of the big POV Ceremony. Ragan had won the veto and was definitely going to take himself off the block, but the big question was: Who would Bitch Boy put up in his place? Would it be Princess Britney with the biting wit and fierce competitive nature or would it be teeny tiny Matt with his hand down his pants? Drum roll please... Brendon has decided to put MATT on the block. Well, happy day! Matt has that Diamond Power Of Veto and, let's be honest, we all want it to be used. This brings me to this next little unbelievable nugget. Immediately after the POV Ceremony, Matt goes to the Bra-gade and tells them that it's not over until he's walking out that door. He thinks there might be a Mystery Power out there that could save him. In past seasons, Mystery Powers always happened around this time so it's likely that there could be another one this season. Wha... wha... what?!? Are you shitting me? The self proclaimed diabolical genius sure is a fucking idiot. Why, for crying out loud, WHY would you ever say such a thing? He should shut his trap, act pissed off, and begin to focus on who he's going to put on the block in his place. You do not, under any circumstances, hint to others that you have the Diamond Power Of Veto in your pants. Why would you ever risk losing it? You're a moron Matt... a moron!

Look, I'm still pissed at Matt for his Week 3 HOH debacle. I firmly believe had he done what he should have done and put up Brenchel, that this would be a VERY different house with people actually, you know, wanting to win competitions. Kristen, for one, would still be there and maybe even Andrew. Andrew is a crying little bitch I wouldn't let within 10 yards of my feet, but at least he wanted to win comps. I'm getting so sick of everyone playing this game like a pussy. I wish there was someway it could be illegal to throw comps. I was never a fan of Dr. Will so I have no problem blaming him for everything that's wrong with this season. I'm also gonna blame Tila Tequila... for no particular reason. I just hate her. This is my blog. So there!

OK so Matt is now up on the block and Ragan is devastated. He calls Brendon a liar and a coward and he has no problem telling everyone in the house how Brendon tried to make deals with both him and Matt. Ragan thinks it's incredibly unfair that Matt is being punished for what the rest of the house wanted yet was essentially scared to do. Again, had Matt done it Week 3 we might not be in the situation we're now in. I think Matt is very well aware of his past mistakes. Yes, he has the DPOV, but unless he wins HOH next week, he could be in big trouble. This house doesn't care for twists and surprises and I think going after Matt will be their easiest "no blood on their hands" choice.

I think I've also had a change of heart about Matt's lie about his wife. There was a conversation yesterday between Ragan and Kathy that really struck a chord with me. Ragan was telling Kathy how he can't believe that Brendon would risk $500,000 for a vile disguting person he's only known for a month. He went on to say that Matt is playing this game for his sick wife while Brendon is playing it for a skeezy skank. It was here that I realized that people might really vote for Matt to win thinking his prize money will be used to help a very sick woman. They'll be voting for a lie. I'd be furious if I chose to give my money to a woman with a rare disease and then found out it really went to feed a tiny man's ago. That's like donating money to Children's Hospital and discovering it's going to some asshole in a computer lab in Nigeria. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. I know I said before that I didn't have a problem with it, but the more I think about it, the more I think it's all kind of gross. I was reading a story online a few weeks about this woman who faked cancer and ended up scamming people out of tens of thousands of dollars via Facebook and other online websites dedicated to her illness. I think musicians even threw a benefit concert to help her raise money. It's nauseating to think people like that really exist in the world and I now think that Matt is perhaps one of those people. I understand you have to lie and backstab to win Big Brother and, believe me, I'm a big fan of evil game playing. I just think this diseased wife thing is a little beyond the realm of what's acceptable.

Back in the house, Enzo and Hayden have planned that they'll get rid of Matt this week. It seems like they're pretty cozy in their new alliance with Brendon and taking him to the end might not be a bad idea after all. It's not like he'll win the $500,000 in a Final 2 vote or anything. They also don't want to get blood on their hands by having to evict him next week. They decide they'll just go ahead and throw next week's HOH... again! How do these guys exist in everyday life?! How do they make love to a woman? Clearly, they have no penises. Do they see their gas tanks nearing empty and decide it's a waste of time and effort to refill it? Do they neglect to put money in their bank accounts because they just can't be bothered? I'll bet their houses are disgusting too. There's probably food caked onto the stove and flies buzzing around the trash can because these two numbskulls don't have the brains or balls to take care of business themselves. I'm pretty sure Enzo gets around town being pushed in his daughter's stroller. His wife probably burps him after every meal and rubs Desitin on his ass. I just don't understand how people can behave like these two idiots are and get anything done. You know that attitude of "taking the easy the way out" isn't a new thing with these guys. I wouldn't be surprised if Hayden's mom puts a bowl on his head when she gives him haircuts. She's one of those creepy Pillars Of The Earth moms anyways. It's disgusting and I'm sick of it!

In other news Hayden told Matt that Kathy told him that Rachel left a message for Brendon in pretzels. Apparently, she spelled out "I heart you" and the name "Matt". I have no idea if this is true or not, but it wouldn't surprise me in the least if Brendon is still letting that harlot call the shots. Brendon's already mailed his balls to Rome and applied to be the world's next greatest eunuch singer. He'll be like Farinelli only crappy. Farinelli was kind of sexy for a eunuch. All the girls were mad about him. Having a lack of testosterone gave his skin a softness unlike other men. His arms were long and delicate and his chest was smooth and flat. Since Brendon wasn't castrated as a child like Farinelli was, I doubt he'll take Italia by storm. He'll probably just cry a lot and get pimples from the stress of having to perform all the time.

Alright, what the hell am I talking about? Even I don't know anymore. There's one more conversation I need to address before I finish this. After Matt told the boys he wouldn't campaign against Lane or say anything bad about him, Enzo and Hayden began to feel a little guilty. So much so that they decided to tell Matt on Thursday that they're voting to evict him. Now, will this be enough to sway Matt to put Enzo on the block or will Matt still be loyal to the Bra-gade? Will Matt discover in the next few days that his alliance has turned on him? Will Brendon cry and tinkle himself on Thursday? Are the pizzas in Enzo's household out of this world? Comment it out bitches and have a great day! Sorry so short, I've got to drive quite a ways and try to resolve this Ning catastrophe. Sucks ass.