Tuesday, August 17, 2010

I Count Zero Penises

Little Enzo Palumbo had been a scaredy cat all his life. Dogs, ceiling fans, garbage disposals, doorbells... anything and everything that produced any sort of noise or movement could reduce the tiny boy to tears. His Mama, Celeste, even had to cancel their telephone service because the ringing of the phone would send baby Enzo into a tantrum where tears would last for hours and feces would be spread on the wall. It began to become a real problem for the Palumbo family. The only toy that didn't scare the small child was a yo-yo. He looooved to watch the disk roll back and forth along the string. He'd make his Papa, John, play with the yo-yo for hours every night delighting him with tricks like Walk The Dog, Rock The Baby, Ferris Wheel, Flying Saucer, and, his favorite, Skin The Cat. Papa John became quite the yo-yo master and even began to travel the country displaying his yo-yo feats of triumph much like Forrest Gump did playing ping pong. Enzo loved the yo-yo so much that he began to call random objects and people "Yo". He was still young and had a bit of a stuttering problem so the full "Yo-Yo" wasn't possible. For example he'd say, "Yo Mama, putta 'nother pizzapie yo in th-th-th-the oven yo." People thought it was charming so no one ever bothered to correct him. In addition to the "yo" affectation and the fear of, well, life, Enzo had a growing love for kittens. Cats were, for the most part, quiet, they did their own thing, and Enzo actually found the tiny "meow meows" comforting. In fact, Mama Celeste put a whole litter of kittens in Enzo's room to help him sleep at night. Lullabies and mobiles scared the child, but the gentle "meow meows" put him to sleep faster than a Nyquil laced bottle. Of course, sleeping with "meow meows" constantly seeping into your subconscious can have some unfortunate side effects. As Enzo entered adolescence he was convinced he was a cat and that everything else around him was a yo-yo. He started to say things like "Yo the Meow Meow has some homework to do tonight Mama yo." His mother worried how society would accept this cat-child, but Papa John assured her that being from Jersey, it's ok for a young man to talk like that. They decided together to let their boy talk like he liked. I mean, it's not like Mama Celeste and Papa J0hn were Oxford scholars or anything. Besides, this was Jersey! A new idiot is born in Jersey everyday - just look at Teresa Giudice! Let's recap, shall we?

It was the day of the big POV Ceremony. Ragan had won the veto and was definitely going to take himself off the block, but the big question was: Who would Bitch Boy put up in his place? Would it be Princess Britney with the biting wit and fierce competitive nature or would it be teeny tiny Matt with his hand down his pants? Drum roll please... Brendon has decided to put MATT on the block. Well, happy day! Matt has that Diamond Power Of Veto and, let's be honest, we all want it to be used. This brings me to this next little unbelievable nugget. Immediately after the POV Ceremony, Matt goes to the Bra-gade and tells them that it's not over until he's walking out that door. He thinks there might be a Mystery Power out there that could save him. In past seasons, Mystery Powers always happened around this time so it's likely that there could be another one this season. Wha... wha... what?!? Are you shitting me? The self proclaimed diabolical genius sure is a fucking idiot. Why, for crying out loud, WHY would you ever say such a thing? He should shut his trap, act pissed off, and begin to focus on who he's going to put on the block in his place. You do not, under any circumstances, hint to others that you have the Diamond Power Of Veto in your pants. Why would you ever risk losing it? You're a moron Matt... a moron!

Look, I'm still pissed at Matt for his Week 3 HOH debacle. I firmly believe had he done what he should have done and put up Brenchel, that this would be a VERY different house with people actually, you know, wanting to win competitions. Kristen, for one, would still be there and maybe even Andrew. Andrew is a crying little bitch I wouldn't let within 10 yards of my feet, but at least he wanted to win comps. I'm getting so sick of everyone playing this game like a pussy. I wish there was someway it could be illegal to throw comps. I was never a fan of Dr. Will so I have no problem blaming him for everything that's wrong with this season. I'm also gonna blame Tila Tequila... for no particular reason. I just hate her. This is my blog. So there!

OK so Matt is now up on the block and Ragan is devastated. He calls Brendon a liar and a coward and he has no problem telling everyone in the house how Brendon tried to make deals with both him and Matt. Ragan thinks it's incredibly unfair that Matt is being punished for what the rest of the house wanted yet was essentially scared to do. Again, had Matt done it Week 3 we might not be in the situation we're now in. I think Matt is very well aware of his past mistakes. Yes, he has the DPOV, but unless he wins HOH next week, he could be in big trouble. This house doesn't care for twists and surprises and I think going after Matt will be their easiest "no blood on their hands" choice.

I think I've also had a change of heart about Matt's lie about his wife. There was a conversation yesterday between Ragan and Kathy that really struck a chord with me. Ragan was telling Kathy how he can't believe that Brendon would risk $500,000 for a vile disguting person he's only known for a month. He went on to say that Matt is playing this game for his sick wife while Brendon is playing it for a skeezy skank. It was here that I realized that people might really vote for Matt to win thinking his prize money will be used to help a very sick woman. They'll be voting for a lie. I'd be furious if I chose to give my money to a woman with a rare disease and then found out it really went to feed a tiny man's ago. That's like donating money to Children's Hospital and discovering it's going to some asshole in a computer lab in Nigeria. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. I know I said before that I didn't have a problem with it, but the more I think about it, the more I think it's all kind of gross. I was reading a story online a few weeks about this woman who faked cancer and ended up scamming people out of tens of thousands of dollars via Facebook and other online websites dedicated to her illness. I think musicians even threw a benefit concert to help her raise money. It's nauseating to think people like that really exist in the world and I now think that Matt is perhaps one of those people. I understand you have to lie and backstab to win Big Brother and, believe me, I'm a big fan of evil game playing. I just think this diseased wife thing is a little beyond the realm of what's acceptable.

Back in the house, Enzo and Hayden have planned that they'll get rid of Matt this week. It seems like they're pretty cozy in their new alliance with Brendon and taking him to the end might not be a bad idea after all. It's not like he'll win the $500,000 in a Final 2 vote or anything. They also don't want to get blood on their hands by having to evict him next week. They decide they'll just go ahead and throw next week's HOH... again! How do these guys exist in everyday life?! How do they make love to a woman? Clearly, they have no penises. Do they see their gas tanks nearing empty and decide it's a waste of time and effort to refill it? Do they neglect to put money in their bank accounts because they just can't be bothered? I'll bet their houses are disgusting too. There's probably food caked onto the stove and flies buzzing around the trash can because these two numbskulls don't have the brains or balls to take care of business themselves. I'm pretty sure Enzo gets around town being pushed in his daughter's stroller. His wife probably burps him after every meal and rubs Desitin on his ass. I just don't understand how people can behave like these two idiots are and get anything done. You know that attitude of "taking the easy the way out" isn't a new thing with these guys. I wouldn't be surprised if Hayden's mom puts a bowl on his head when she gives him haircuts. She's one of those creepy Pillars Of The Earth moms anyways. It's disgusting and I'm sick of it!

In other news Hayden told Matt that Kathy told him that Rachel left a message for Brendon in pretzels. Apparently, she spelled out "I heart you" and the name "Matt". I have no idea if this is true or not, but it wouldn't surprise me in the least if Brendon is still letting that harlot call the shots. Brendon's already mailed his balls to Rome and applied to be the world's next greatest eunuch singer. He'll be like Farinelli only crappy. Farinelli was kind of sexy for a eunuch. All the girls were mad about him. Having a lack of testosterone gave his skin a softness unlike other men. His arms were long and delicate and his chest was smooth and flat. Since Brendon wasn't castrated as a child like Farinelli was, I doubt he'll take Italia by storm. He'll probably just cry a lot and get pimples from the stress of having to perform all the time.

Alright, what the hell am I talking about? Even I don't know anymore. There's one more conversation I need to address before I finish this. After Matt told the boys he wouldn't campaign against Lane or say anything bad about him, Enzo and Hayden began to feel a little guilty. So much so that they decided to tell Matt on Thursday that they're voting to evict him. Now, will this be enough to sway Matt to put Enzo on the block or will Matt still be loyal to the Bra-gade? Will Matt discover in the next few days that his alliance has turned on him? Will Brendon cry and tinkle himself on Thursday? Are the pizzas in Enzo's household out of this world? Comment it out bitches and have a great day! Sorry so short, I've got to drive quite a ways and try to resolve this Ning catastrophe. Sucks ass.


  1. You suprise everyday with this Blog it just like you think it cant get any better and it still blows the blog before it out of the water. I love it keep writing them. And you make it so funny to boot. You funny as all get out.

  2. why would the "brigade" vote out Matt, he is the only one winning anything. They are the most pathetic alliance in BB history.

  3. Team fucking Matt. I was saying last night that Matt and Britney need to make a final two deal and just start cleaning house. Bring in Lane for the heavy lifting. I hope they tell him today or tomorrow to give him a chance to decide which them is going up. Down with these poor cocksuckers (Because there is nothing wrong with sucking cock, but there is a big problem with being bad at it.).

    I await Thursday with great interest.

  4. I hope they they tell him and I hope he puts Enzo up in his place. But Im not optimistic. As pointed out, Enzo/Hayden have no balls will probably decide to vote him out and then play shocked, and Matt isnt near the "evil genius" he thinks he is. I do look forward though to seeing the look on their faces when Matt whips out his DPOV though. Its the small things in life....

  5. I finally agree with Deion. Well, the first half of what he said.
    OK, the first three sentences...and the last.

  6. Here's the thing about Matt's lie:

    I agreed with you when you said you didn't have a problem with it. And I agree with what you're saying here...I mean I know they don't usually reveal big lies like this until after the final jury vote, and there are going to be some seriously pissed off people if they vote for him for that reason, and then find out it was a lie.

    BUT, everyone in the house has the option to tell a similar lie. Everyone in the house has the option not to believe it. Everyone in the house SHOULD know by now, that there's a good chance SOMEONE'S telling a lie, and they should be skeptical of any story like this that they hear. If they are fooled into voting for him, then I'm sure they'll be mad at him, but really they should be mad at themselves for falling for it. I mean, it is a pretty old trick.

  7. I can almost see Matt doing a dumb Survivor type move and NOT using the DPOV --thinking that he can escape elim without it --but luckily I think Production will press him so that it's used.

    After reading Matt's HOH blog, I don't really have that big of a problem with his story about the sick wife. Ok, I'd be pissed if I was in the house and bought it. I'm also annoyed whenever Ragan has grief about this fake story BUT I think that Matt is playing the best game out of a bunch of pretty sorry game players in the house. Brit isn't really playing that good a game -- everyone thinks/knows she's a back-stabber. Ragan doesn't really connect with the bros and worsens it by crying too much. Lane could be playing the perfect good guy under the radar BUT I'm not so sure it's not just semi-stupid guy under the radar. Brendon is an insecure idiot who's fallen for an immature wench. Enzo and Hayden are disgusting. Kathy is a nonentity and brown-noses whoever has the power to nominate.

  8. I hope they tell Matt on Thursday. Because then one of those suckers is going up. Matt will have nothing to lose at that point and he'll need to break up the Brigade voting block if he has any chance of staying in the game.

    Brendon's TOTALLY losing it either way. I can't wait for the meltdown. Popcorn will be popped.

    I disagree on the illness lie, though. Yes it's wrong to lie about a disease so you can collect money for charity. But BB isn't a charity. The players aren't giving away their own money. It's different than the situation you described. Besides I think it's completely DUMB to vote for whoever has the saddest story. It should be about the game. If those idiots are dumb enough to vote for the saddest story, they have no one to blame but themselves if they get scammed. Yes, Matt is low down for lying about a disease. Who does that? But I can't fault him if he wins half a million because of it. Just sayin'.

  9. I'm still ok with Matt's lie. I think within the confines of a game like this it's acceptable, actually I'm surprised more people don't do it. Doesn't compare (for me)in the slightest to people lying in the real world and duping people into helping them. Having said that, I do think I am biassed as I'm a big Matt fan. Totally agree with Deion about Matt and Brit teaming up - would be awesome. If Matt does find out about E & H planning to evict him I hope he puts up Enzo. I did find Enzo somewhat entertaining at one time but the fact that he is proving to be as useless as Kathy (competition wise) and seems to be full of shit 95% of the time has totally soured me on him.

    Great blog as always Colette!


  10. First, it must be said that you have become the daily, required entertainment in our household. All computers head straight here for the 'daily dose'.

    I was outraged at Matt's lie initially. But, as a person with an incurable disease (that goodness it's not life threatening) I had a truly emotional response.
    After watching these clueless houseguests, I can't help but believe that if they paid one lick of attention they would realize it's a lie. He isn't ringing his hands, constantly wondering if she's okay, who is taking her to the Doctor, picking up her meds, making sure she's eating rite, or generally behaving like one behaves when a loved one is ill.
    So, at this point, I believe that IF Matt makes it F2 and no one else plays the level of game Matt has played, we won't have to worry about them ever choosing a winner based on a sick wife. Unless, of course, HFF and BB remember their early promise of voting for Matt because of his wife. That would thrill me beyond all measure.

    Hail the Blog Queen.
    Respectfully, Miller Squared

  11. Some days I'm bothered by Matt's lie, other days I really don't even care. But I'm just confused as to why everyone loves him so much for it. They despised Jonny Fairplay when he did it. Jonny was 10 times more vile than Matt... but I still don't get it.

    And everyone is so mad at Brendon for offering to give up his game for Rachel. Well, I'm mad at Ragan for constantly crying over Matt, campaigning for Matt, and helping Matt... Honestly... I hope they do vote for Matt to win the whole thing... then Ragan's whole world will come tumbling down when he realizes that the love of his life was lying to him the entire time. How much integrity do you think Matt has now, Ragan? Yes, I am evil.

    But the one person really bugging the shit out of me this week is Kathy. She will sit for 3 hours and bash Brendon. Then she will run to Brendon and bash someone else for 2 hours. Sure, I guess you can call it gameplay, but it's the only gameplay she has and she's driving me to drink. AND... she looks like Bethenny with blond hair. GAG.

  12. Here are my thoughts (whoo-dee-doo, huh?) Anyway, I think Enzo is a big ole pussy....he needs to go. I am afraid that in the end it is going to be Enzo and Lane in the F2, and they are the biggest slackers EVER!
    I'm hoping that Matt gets a clue and realizes that Hayden and Enzo were going to vote him out and use the DPOV to put up Enzo.
    Regarding Matt's lie....I have no problem with it. You make a good point, but if these HG's aren't going to question ANYTHING and play nicey, nice with each other, then they deserve to be lied to and if they get upset in the end, it's their own damn fault.


  13. Enzo has delusions of grandeur - talks abt hiring an agent and going on tour - WHAT!!! Anyway because Enzo loves Enzo so much, can you imagine how he'll freak out if Matt puts him up. One can only hope!!!!

  14. I'm with Deion-Mean Girl and Gremlin FTW! I didn't like Matt at all in the the beginning, but I read his HOH blog-while it's probably bullshit, it made me like him a little better.

    With Brit-what you see is what you get. She's mean and bitchy and everyone knows it. She doesn't apologize for it, nor should she. She makes me laugh. I like her. And I hope she wins(even though, I think she has zero chance at F2) Everyone else in the house can suck it. They all blow.

  15. This is my favorite blog of the season so far. Lala my love, your talent for taking nothing and creating something out of it defys the laws of matter. That house is so fucking boring, yet I come here and get entertainment. It is awe inspiring. AND furthermore, I agree with everything you said! Yay! BB is so much better when I am on the same page as you!! I agree with everything you say about Matt's lie as well... the only interesting thing...will be seeing the reactions. I don't think its going to be pretty. In fact, I don't think its going to be comfortable or fun to watch. I'm scared. And if Matt wins, it will be even worse... sort of something to look forward to I guess. Keep up the good work :)

  16. I've been disgusted by Enzo for weeks..I want Matt to use the DPOV on Hayden though, yo. Hayden has been the "brains" and instigator of all kinds of drama and will be a huge blow to Brenda if he goes. Whiny Enzo will have nobody to do his heavy lifting, well maybe Kathy. Although, I would love to see Enzo sandwiched between the all that is evil duo!He's been so far up their asses that he's going to have them all up his in the JH. I like Matt..if he puts up Kathy Thursday, I will cry, not because I'll miss the most incredible of liars, but it will be such a waste of a great power. PS Matt, Stop talking about it!
    Yes LaLa, the pretzel thing did happen and Kathy was helping Rachel with the task and had the key to HOH while Brenda was away. That chick acts so pious...she tells Matt about it last night, not after HFF left, she is such a piece of....work.
    Thank you for all you do!!

  17. I think Hayden is smart enough to realize that they need to split the votes. Because he already has he sneaky suspicion that Matt has a Power. However, Enzo is currently digging his own grave thinking otherwise by wanting t vote him out. Since when can you have trust issues with someone in your alliance when they ave kept you safe. Hey enzo if anyone were to to turn it should be Matt. He has all the right to do so because you have been slacking homie.

  18. Blah blah blah blah freaking blah blah ba blah.
    There was a time in America when being a man stood for something, after all it was America that gave us the cowboy - the John Wayne, the Clint Eastwood, and now we have the Enzo and the Matt. One is a paper tiger draped in Jersey Shore-ish false bravado, and one spends most of his time with the little hands cupping his little balls - while donning the apparel of an infant.
    As a proud owner of a penis, I am ashamed at the lack of manly behavior of the BB HGS who also claim ownership of a dong. What we need asap is a good old dust up, a scrap if you will - blood must be spilled and the girls should stand behind the pool table and scream - oh my god....
    Imagine if we were back in colonial times and the British were Brenchel!!! and the other men of BB12 were the colonists, would freedom be attained? not the way they are acting. And by the way when bitch was talking to the Soprano wannabe and told him that he only fears Lane and Yo-Yo says yo, as a man I stand up and say yo bitch "Fear me motherfucker, 'casue I will rain terror on your ass, you. Rambling over, Sausage out.....

  19. I love reading the preludes to your recaps. Some of the things you come up with are too much!! Love, love, LOVE Mama Celeste and Papa John! That was funnier than Conchita and Pepe. ;)
    As for Matt, I do think it was low of him to lie about his wife having a disease. However, this is a game about being the last person standing and a big ol' cash payout. Lying has become part of the game. If the other HGs are too dumb to not question everything that comes out of the other HGs mouths, that's thier own damn problem.

  20. I hate 'the lie'. I've hated it since the beginning. And, I think the hg will hate Matt when they learn the truth.

    While she still nauseates me; I hope Rachel did leave a message for Brendon. It shows someone is thinking, at least.

    Lane, Enzo & Hayden are girlie-men. No guts. Just cruising along. They really are the definition of the term floater. They think they're the big power clique. Nope, just floaters.

  21. Enzo and Hayden are balless short bus riding mofo's .
    They don't believe matt only got a dollar but with all the hinting and cockiness from Matt their tiny lil brains can't figure out he has a "power" .


  23. I don't know if I'm actually team-anyone. This season has envoked a bit of the blahs. But seeing Matt use the DPOV will be interesting. I think Brendon has already cried about working for his HoH and how he'd be mad if it was for nothing. I can see a BB11 meltdown a la Chima. Now there was a meltdown! Enzo, should be Dead-Enzo. He goes nowhere. He is about nothing. And telling Matt before the DPOV, not sure it will matter to Matt's picks. He will likely do what will move him forward or what he thinks will move him forward. Which means, possibly stick with the Brigade. He has mentioned they are kinda a do-nothing group. So, maybe he will move on. One thing's for sure, might be time to feed that Gremlin after midnight and unleash something.


  24. YO COLA BABY!! What's shaken. Well another dull week winding down. I concur no one has balls this year other than the red headed tranny. If not for your blog I would probable have given up on this year after Kristen was bumped off. I have np with bb lie, in real life it would be lowest but this is a game so let the buyer beware. Looking forward to Matt using his DPOV just to get one of the ball-less ones out of the game. I like Brit for her mean girl back stabbing. I like Regan for standing up for his Man Matt. Just can not stand the rest of them. Show on very thin ice for me. Waiting for Survivor and some real man action. Kisses COLA. Glad you got the writing gig, best of luck with that.

  25. can i set up a trip to the water park with you on a rainy day so we can go to the bookstore and you can read me the story about the time when the evil witch was destroyed by the lowly peasant, ragan? i think there's a princess in that one.

    if i was enzo i would be playing the hair plug sympathy card. he needs the money to fix his head. that trumps matt's wifey's fake illness. i would give him the half mill if he promised to spend it all on hair plugs and deodorant.

  26. Having been out of town and away from the internet for the past few days, I could go on and on about recent developments, but I'll satisfy myself (as I'm used to doing) with a few succinct points:

    1) Thank you, Ragan! You spoke for millions of viewers when you went off on Vegas Red. I know some people that think you were too mean, but the only reason Rachel wasn't as bad is because she's not intelligent enough to come up with any snappy comebacks. "Because I love gay people....and you SUCK at it." What does that even mean? The best TV this week is two minutes of Vegas staring at the door trying to think of something to say while Britney plays pool in the background. I'm filing that with Jordan on TAR saying oh, yeah, Joan of Arc, the one with the animals on the boat, and Eliza on Survivor trying to explain to Jason that the stick that Ozzy carved a face on is just a stick, not an immunity idol.

    2) "The woman I love" is already as annoying as "me and my man". I don't know who'll be more embarrassed when they rewatch the show, her or him. I do know that while Rachel's in the jury house, Las Vegas is packing up and sneaking away without leaving a forwarding address.

    3) Matt better shut the fuck up about the power before he loses it, although I don't really thing AG will strip him of it; too much drama involved. He needs to wise up and get Enzo on the block. I've done as much to win this game as Enzo has, but I'm not as gassy.

    4) I have no problem with Matt's lie, any more than I have with Kathy saying she's playing so her son doesn't have to worry about paying her medical bills, or whatever she said. If you're playing to give the money to someone else, you shouldn't be playing. Hear that, Boy Slave?

    5) I know nobody said anything about it, but I see a lot of dweebs obsessing about this: There are not two people in the house that know each other. Please stop trying to figure out who it is, as you'll only feel like an ass come Finale Night.

    I think that's it for today. Thank you, Lala, for your brilliant blogs. You make more sense lying down than most people do standing up. I have no idea what that means, either, but I defy anyone to disprove it.

  27. Lala,

    I have been gone and out of touch the last week or so while all kinds of delicious hell has broken out in the house. My conclusions:

    Brit: still love her, but in real jeopardy when Matt uses the DPOV

    Kathy: die snake

    Ragan: come home with me and I will appreciate you as can no other (dear god I really don't want to know what that says about me).

    Hayden; useless (probably wears his hair long as a comb-over and looks worse than Enzo)

    Enzo: somebody put a hit out on this guy

    Lane: playing dumb, but most of it isn't play

    Matt: will probably win

    Did I forget anyone? I don't care. Kristen, since you read this blog, you are the best, I wish you were still there. You should have won.

    In the worst possible scenario, does anyone else see a reality show featuring Brenda and HFF in the future? AAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!

  28. I only found this site a few weeks back and now can't stay away! Love it! The narratives, Lala, are outstanding and it seems that your thoughts are mine (separated at birth?). One thing we differ on - I get that you are gooned about Matt's lie but I am a "team Matt" person and compared to the other witless creatures, I can forgive him. ;-)
    Thanks for your thoughts!

  29. I must say, how you weaved a story of yo-yo's and tiny cats won me over.

    Brenda reminds me of an ex. One that should be sent overseas with out a return address. Though, I do have to say, he set me straight on how to say "Neandertal." I happened to a product of a public school system.

  30. As a recent watcher of BB- last season was my first- I am simply amazed by the amount of pussies on this edition. I seriously think the biggest penis on the show belonged to HFF- as much as I hate her. Here's hoping something "magical" happens in the next few weeks to bring this edition out of the toilet.

  31. There was this girl on Youtube who was semi-popular for a while and then she proclaimed she had cancer. She would tell her viewers it was her last wish to have different types of expensive makeup and designer bags. People actually sent her this crap and thought she had cancer. At one point she was trading stuff with different people but she would accept gifts and never send anything in return. Eventually people started to catch on and get pissed. Anyway, this is a true story and I have absolutely no idea if she ever had cancer but your blog today reminded me of her.