Return Of The Pimply Red Parrot

It was eerily quiet outside. The trees didn't sway, the leaves didn't rustle, the clouds hung still, and the sun, high and relentless, had nowhere to hide. Playful woodland creatures stopped their fruit and nut gathering seemingly frozen in time. The buzz of the insects suddenly fell silent as the air took on a heavy and damp quality that made breathing difficult and movement uncomfortable. It was the calm before the storm, an uncertain storm. The world had paused and the promise of what was to come hung limply in the air. After what seemed liked an eternity of the universe holding it's breath, time finally exhaled and the cosmos barrelled on. Clouds tumbled in, the squirrels and chipmunks scurried off to hide in a familiar tree trunk, a gentle breeze became a violent gust, and the sun was no more. It was like that scene in Flash Gordon when the sky turns red. It was Helen Hunt in Twister sniffing out a tornado. It was a warning, a sign, a message, a hint, a siren... It was Revelations. It was Judgment Day. It was the Day After Tomorrow, Terminator, The Matrix, and Amityville. Freddie, Jason, Michael, and Chuckie cowered under their covers. Something was amiss. Something horrible, oh god it's so horrible, was about to happen. Let's recap, shall we?

"Hey bitches, I'm baaaaaack!" 4 words. 4 awful piercing shrieking blood curdling words. My uterus shriveled up like a prune, my nipples dove inside my chest, and I knew, I just knew, I would never ever ever give birth and know the joys of motherhood. She, that thing, was back. I really don't know why God hates me so. Is it because I had the church giggles that one time in high school at the senior retreat and I snorted during the priest's homily? Or is it because I once toilet papered a convent and put a memorial bench on top of the church's van? I don't know what I've done that was so horrible, but some-one or some-thing is clearly out to make my life a living hell. Rachel is back in the house and she's out to destroy everyone in her path.

It appears as if Brendon opened Pandora's Box releasing an evil so vile and wretched that only Valtrex and holy water can keep it at bay. He must have been promised his harlot's return and, without pausing to consider the ramifications, he hastily opened Pandora's Box and then promptly disappeared down the rabbit hole. You see, Rachel did come back, but Brendon also disappeared. It reminded me of that episode of Charmed where the guy was an owl by day while his lover was a wolf by night. Their human forms were never to meet and their love was viciously denied. Awesome.

So, Hyena Fuckface is back and she's got a score to settle. She wastes no time and begins calling out every HG individually asking them why they voted her out. The houseguests were stunned and horrified that all they could do was stand awkwardly and look uncomfortable... all except one. Enzo, the hair-plugged idiot named after a pussy, leapt up inside Rachel's asshole and stayed nestled there all night long. Yup, the guy who's all talk and no action wasted no time kissing the Hyena's ass and getting on her good side. It was gross and phony and I'm officially done with him. No one in their right mind would fund an Enzo bar tour or buy lame ass Meow Meow t-shirts. I don't know what planet he's living on, but taking a year off to be a "celebrity" probably won't even keep his baby daughter in diapers. Worse still, I can absolutely see him getting to the Final 3 by doing nothing but eating like an open mouthed swine.

With Enzo safely tucked up next to her sphinctor, Hyena Fuckface begins to hurl insults at Ragan. She calls him a bitch, tells him he's not a man, and says she's going to make his next 24 hrs a nightmare. Ragan asks her why she's not using this time wisely and showing kindness to the people she treated so horribly. Rachel's head spins around and she shrieks "You're a bitch!" She then turns her ire to Britney and demands to know why she left such an evil goodbye message. Seriously? The queen of "you tried to get in between me and my man!" goodbye messages has the nerve to question someone else on their messages? Oh give me a fucking break.



Then someone, Matt maybe, mentions that Bitch Boy has pretty much disappeared. Rachel heads up to the HOH and begins to bang on Pandora's Box whining, "Brendoooooooonnnn can you hear me? Brennnndooooonnnn where are you?" Mr. O'Shaugnessy wisely packed my opium pipe and then scurried away to hide in his cubbyhole under the stairs. He knew it was only a matter of time before I started taking my growing wrath out on innocent living things. The HG's could really kind of care less that Brendon is gone. All they want to know about is what the Jury House is like. They bombard Rachel with questions about internet, phone calls, and TV. She tells them every room has a TV and they can order movies and tv shows, but there are no phones and no internet. She's not allowed to tell them where the house is, but she says it's amazing and tranquil.

Inexplicably, Rachel begins to hold meetings up in the HOH room. She has no power, she's been evicted from the game, she's one measly Jury vote who has no intention of voting strategic (she'll vote 100% personal, count on it) so I can't help but be completely flummoxed as to why HG after HG marches up to kiss her ass and defend themselves to her. It's not even like she's listening to them anyways. All she keeps saying is how she's the first person ever in BB history to be brought back. Wrong! She also says she's the most highly regarded playing ever and that the blogs love her. Double wrong! I waited for her to say she was going to be President of the United States and Space Mountain and that now she can grow wings and fly. Maybe she invented air and the steam engine. I mean, that's just about as true as the BB shit she's spewing. She sits there with her mismatched hair and her fake eyelashes and spouts lie after lie after lie. Meanwhile, I'm sitting at home wondering why, dear god why, no one calls her out on it.

Towards the end of her meetings where Hayden, Enzo, and Kathy kissed her ass shamelessly, Rachel decides she wants to make cookies and rub it in Ragan and Britney's faces. She descends the staircase and says, "Britney, do you want some cookies?" Britney replies, "I can't. I'm a Have-Not." Rachel says, "Awww really? That's too bad." Britney rolls her eyes and begins to walk away when Rachel announces, "I think I'm going to ask Ragan if he wants cookies." The big steaming cauldron of bullshit she's stirring begins to bubble over and we all knew... this was about to get awesome.

Rachel opens the sliding door and goes outside. She's clutching her packet of refrigerated cookie dough and begins to march over to Ragan. She says, "Ragan, I'm making some big soft chewy moist cookies. Do you want some?" Ragan sighs and tells her she repulses him. Rachel says, " Really? Really?" He replies, "Take your homophobic innuendo and get the fuck out of my face" *bites fist and pours myelf a daquiri* She stands there, cackles, and again offers Ragan a cookie. He tells her she to return her clothing to Forever 21 to try to get her money back and thus began the most beautiful 10 minutes of the entire BB12 season. Please to enjoy:







It was Xanadu, it was roller skates, it was lollipops and mint chocolate chip ice cream and ecstacy and soft fluffy pillows. The clouds parted, a rainbow shot across the sky, and the angels danced a funky tarantella. Ragan unleashed a giant can of whoop ass on one Miss Rachel Reilly calling her a red parrot with nastily dyed hair and mismatched pink extensions. He called her vile and disgusting and phony. The only real thing about her were the pimples on her chin. The hours of footage of her humilating herself with her wretched behavior would give him joy for years to come. He can't wait for her to get out of the Jury House and finally see what a truly despicable person she is. He was relentless, mean, and honest. Ragan Fox is a rock star, my friends. In the matter of ten tiny minutes he summed up, eloquently I might add, what the nation has thought of Rachel for the past 5 weeks. He kicked her pedestal out from under her and smashed it to bits with his rhetoric and wit. At home, I beamed. I rubbed glitter all over my face and cried, "Yes! Yes!" After all was said and done, I collapsed on my chaise lounge, smoked a cigarette, and wondered if we could do it all over again.

In response, the best Rachel could do was hurl homophobic remarks, say "Really? Really?", and bring up his dead father. She looked like an idiot and the world rejoiced. Hostages were returned, hurricanes decided to turn back, and Kim Jong Il got a violent case of diarrhea. Ragan was my spokesperson, our spokesperson. He delivered a message so powerful and true that even the Dalai Lama had to nod and give props. *flashes Lama gang sign* While the insults and name calling were delicious and chocolatey, it was Ragan's final monologue calling out Rachel's deplorable behavior and attitude that really sparkled like a 16 carat Tiffany diamond. He was concise, brutal, yet fair. When he ended and finally went inside, all Rachel could do was stand there... in silence. Her nostrils flared, the cookie dough between her fingers was squished beyond recognition, and her pink and red hair hung limp and humiliated. The HG's outside at the time shifted uncomfortably and waited for her to turn green and rip her dress off or something. In the end, there was no Bruce Banner and no Lou Ferrigno. Instead, Rachel stomped into the Diary Room and probably cried her eyes out.


After all was said and done, the HG's surrounded Ragan and praised him. They offered him support and told him he did nothing wrong at all. She'd started the whole thing with her immature cookie taunts and the house was generally pleased that he put her in her place. They hoped she'd be so upset that she'd simply leave and never return. I knew she'd be back though. Normal human behavior is not one of Rachel Reilly's traits so of course she'd be back. She'd be back and she'd apologize... probably because the Diary Room told her that the entire gay community would want her head on a spike. The last thing CBS needs is GLAAD on their ass. According to Miss Rachel Reilly, there are good gays and bad gays in the world. The bad gays suck at life and the good are absolutely fabulous: Philosophy 101 according to Rachel Reilly.

In the end, the homophobic pig apologized and I still hold fast to my theory that CBS had something to do with it. When I stop and think about it, I'm glad she came back into the house. There was some unfinished business that needed tending to and Ragan Fox was the man to take care of it. Ragan's bugged me in the past for wanting goodness and fairness and kumbaya, but yesterday he brought the house down. He's seen a million faces and he's rocked them all. So, way to go Ragan and thank you! A thousand million hundred times I thank you. If I could send you a fruit basket I would.

So, what did you guys think about the big fight? Are you Team Ragan or Team Rachel? How different would it have been if Brendon was there? Does Enzo serve any purpose whatsoever? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!